I don't care about Thanksgiving. Is there something wrong with me?
I'm not cooking, I'm not going to my mom's, and at the most will maybe go out to some restaurant to eat. And I'm not sad. I'm ok with it. Is there something wrong with me? I used to love Thanksgiving. Watching the parade, starving until dinner at about 2, gorging myself on Mom's cooking, and sitting around all day with family. I loved it, it was almost my favorite holiday.
And now, I don't even really miss it. I'm not sad. I keep feeling like I should have this huge sense of loss that I won't be having Thanksgiving, but I don't really care. It seems so wrong to eat Thanksgiving at a restaurant, without my kids or family (they will be at my mom's). But I'm ok with it.
Last year too. Royce and I went to Hometown Buffet by ourselves. It was weird.
I just don't feel like sitting around with a whole bunch of family, who talk shit about you every other day of the year, playing nice nice with everyone who really doesn't like me anyhow, because its THANKSGIVING. I would rather not do anything than participate in bullshit.
And I can't go be "thankful" where my husband is not welcome.
And I'm ok with this. I feel nothing actually. Just Blah.
I missed my dad's last Thanksgiving last year because of this. Do I regret that? Some.
For the last 3 years I've started the day out at the cemetary. The year before that I spent the whole day in shock that Anne was gone. Everyone thought I didn't come because I was mad at my mom, but in reality I just didn't have an appetite and didn't feel like being around people. She died that morning at about 5 I think. I promised her I would come and visit her and her baby every Thanksgiving. That I would not forget her. I think people have forgotten her. I didn't cry very much last year. Its always really cold in the morning out there. I usually update her on my life. And I take something for her baby. I don't know what I will take this year.
It really is the ultimate reminder of thanks. I'm here. She's not. I still don't understand it. I don't try to. Not sure I ever did try to understand it. I'm not one of those people who need a reason. Bad things just happen. Justification doesn't make me feel better.
I still can't write about Anne. I can talk about it. But can't write. I never said goodbye that day. Gina did. I didn't. I feel like I failed her. I feel guilty for being here.
I lost alot of my faith that day. In that moment.
Maybe that is why I don't care.
I have two cemetarys to go to from now on.
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May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy.
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Live well, laugh often, love with all your heart!!!
Life it short.
2 Comments:
i dunno about this one Barb....
i just can't see leaving my kids with a mom who doesn't welcome my husband into her home even for the holidays.
If that were the situation I was in I would make Thanksgiving a special day for my immediate family and not split us up for the holidays.
When push come to shove the holidays are a time for family bonding. My immediate family is who I celebrate with. If my extended family has issues with me or my husband then I guess they miss out on the opportunity to bond with me and mine.
Clearly your mom hasn't realized yet that some of those adorable little grandchildren she loves so dearly are part Royce!
It's sad family issues get in the way of fun and make us feel so badly. However I would encourage you Barb to grab yourself by the bootstraps and make Turkey day a memorable day for your little ones...even if it's minus Grandma.
Just my two cents
I hear you loud and clear in this post, Barb. I was nodding my head saying, "Been there, felt like that before".
You are grieving. It is totally NORMAL to have mood swings and stuff. Your life has been stressful. Your body has been through childbirth many times. I hear you saying you are tired. Your body and your soul need rest. I'm there too!
I'm sorry you are feeling so bummed during the holidays, but give yourself time... This has been a major loss. Death isn't easy to handle. Breathe, cry, laugh, pray or yell to God, dance your butt off, lay in Royce's arms and watch a movie- whatever it takes to cope.
This is going to pass. You are strong- I know you don't feel like it right now, but you are going to be okay. Breathe and just get through one day at a time. Now is the time to MANAGE- don't try to excel at anything, just do enough to get by. My two cents- for what it's worth and I care about you.
PS. I'd like to know what Christian person is saying all those bad things about you? DON'T listen and don't allow anyone to speak that kind of negativity into your life. You have to draw your boundaries and stand up to that crap. I know it's easy to believe what they say because deep inside maybe you are like me and you doubt yourself? I was accused of child neglect last year. It hurt like Hell! There is nothing worse that could ever be said about me! I've been accused of trying to commit adultery, but for anyone to say that I don't care about my kids- that's a LOW blow. I cried for a week, then I went and confronted the lady who started the whole gossip mill about me. I took my kids out of that school and we left that church. I'll never look back either. I am not a perfect Mom, but I would NEVER neglect my kids. During one of the lowest times of our live- just declared bankruptcy, I was emotionally wiped out from caring for my Bi-polar mother and the SDA school-teacher pulls that kind of CRAP on me?! That's NOT love, Barb. Shame on them!
What kind of person says that kind of stuff when someone is down and out? In my mind I see you tossing your head like a wild horse and running away as fast as you can from people like that...
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