The light at the end of the tunnel. Ok, maybe the light that has been on the whole time. My life is so out of control right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, mentally, as a parent, as a wife, as me. All of these areas are just not what they should be.
The volatile volcano that is my life came to a head and exploded yesterday. All of the underlying tension, (we all know tension too has its limits), all of my pissed off worlds collided yesterday. Me and my mom, me and tyler, tyler and my mom, me and royce. It all just reached the boiling point.
I don't like that fact that daily things led up to an ugly scene. Daily life, if cared for, does not ever have to get to that point. It is when I am careless, and don't take care of life, don't do the "maintenance" so to speak. I hate this. I hate that I don't do this. I hate that I am undisciplined.
Two thing happened with Royce yesterday that are staying with me. First, before any ugliness, we were waiting in line to pay for something. I got irritated because an guy ordering a coffee got in front of us. I am NOT a coffee drinker, and aside from my friend Nikki and Royce, foo-foo coffee drinkers irritate me. I don't generally like the people who hang out in coffee shops, people who all they do is talk, think they are intellectually superior to the rest of us because they hang out in a book store, granted I may be mispeaking here, but this has been my general opinion. And it bugs the hell out of me that it takes 10 minutes to make one fucking cup of coffee and that you spend upwards of $7 or $8 for it, and then they want a fucking tip on top of that. Slow service and overpriced java, and they want a tip for their hard work. Try my job sometime Einstein, and nobody tips me.
And I have never understood how something that smells so good can taste so bad.
ANYHOW - (can you tell I'm on my period?), anyhow - Royce, and rightly so, lets me know how petty it is to let this irritate me. And he was right. Who cares that this guy stepped in front of me. We have all day, and why let it affect me.
He is right.
This is what stayed with me: He told me this little story. Throughout the day you go furniture shopping. You see a chair that is ugly, that you hate, that is nasty, and you buy it. You see a rug that you hate, and you buy it. You see a picture that you hate, and you buy it. This goes on. And you put all of your new things in your house. By the end of the day, you look around your house and you hate your house. You hate the way it looks and feels. And somehow you don't know how it got that way.
My house needs some cleaning. My house needs new stuff.
The second thing that occured to me, after all the ugliness, is that I will never be able to take care of my life - my children, Royce, my finances, my physical body, my spiritual soul - if I don't fix myself. Clear myself of issues and anger, live responsibly, live healthy - mental and physical, get enough sleep, exercise, etc. I currently do none of these things.
So today is the day. The day I really start. I can not work with a broken or non-maintenanced machine. I must take this seriously. It is not selfish to take care of my life, like I feel sometimes it is. It is necessary. Live it at every moment. Start when I wake up, and end with it when I go to sleep.
I think yoga is the light at the end, the light that has always been on, just ignored. Something has been urging me to read my yoga book. After yesterday, I am committing to this. I felt so lost after I gave up all my religious values last year. Yoga is everything I need for my spiritual beliefs. And I need it badly.
I am going to start studying. I am going to become a student.
I read a blog yesterday that addressed drinking more water. This is one thing I am going to do.
With Tyler I am taking a quiet yet discliplined approach. I already started this morning. And it went beautifully.
Quiet. That is another thing. No yelling, no out of control anything. Everything can be handled peacefully. But I must teach myself and my family this. It has not been this way, and it will not happen overnight.
Quiet and water. My first two changes.
My book says that we already have everything we need. Like Dorothy. She tried and tried to get home, but was already there - was there the whole time. I have what I need - everything. I just need to realize it.
Today is a Barb day. Going to do my hair, my nails, exercize, eat right, sleep, read, play with my kids, spend some quiet time with Royce. And I need to apologize for my words and behavior yesterday. I need to do it for my mom, and for me.
My finances. Tomorrow is pay day. A good place to start being good. No more bad money things. Pay the people I owe, work enough to pay what I need, and no more bad decisions.
The electricity should be turned on today. My house, my literal house, is empty now. Still in the process of being cleaned. Lights and cleaning. Its weird how that metaphor is so literal right now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
4 Comments:
and dont forget to breathe. i constantly have to remind myself to breathe.
i do yoga. not lately because im not as tense, but when i needed to clear my head, i would do yoga. there is something so meditative about getting into a pose, holding it, and breathing while youre holding it that clears my mind.
im proud of you. taking care of yourself is not selfish. its healthy.
I will say a couple of things, because you expected it. And one that you don't expect. First, Freud. I have dreams still that my friend Shannon that was killed over 10 yrs ago now shows up and I'm the one that sees her and needs to get her to her parents so they know she's not dead. It's part of our psyche dealing with it. And sometimes it' our memories mixed with the pizza we had for dinner. Second, I am sorry about all the conflict. It's expected when you're all in a small space but it's bad nonetheless. The only thing you can do about kids is just continue to be there for them and love them. Believe it or not even when they're angry and turning into the teenaged monster that kids turn into (yes, they do, I don't know why and I don't remember us being that way, but nowadays they nearly always do). Hang in there. And third, I wrecked my car yesterday. No tickets, no accidents for my entire driving experience. One warning about 15 years ago, that's all. Then yesterday I was singing and getting to work for what was going to already be a crappy long ass day and driving into the sun I hit the back of a kid's car. Didn't see him stop or signal on at ALL. My car is now somewhere getting fixed. My rates are somewhere going up. And the little soreness I felt yesterday is compounded today. And there is an overwhelming sense that it really is just that quick, it could have been SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much worse. He could have been hurt. More than his stupid little red bumper could have been hurt, my car could have flipped, I could be dead. That last little bit hit me last night when K took me out for dinner. I'm thinking about it still. I think that life or something sends us signals and we're supposed to pay attention to them. 2 nights ago I was very nearly pulled over by a cop, I was only going 4 over the limit and I know that he ran my record and that's why he didn't pull me over, but I was supposed to pay attention to that and pay closer attention to driving. I think had I been yesterday I would not have had to have my car towed. Would've just been a bump. Anyway, listen to your intuition. Be happy for the little things. Be quiet, yes, the things you're saying, you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. And especially when the "others" are teens, you have to know that a large majority of their insane behavior is all about them and not about you.
Well, anyway, you know they sell Chai Tea at those foo foo coffee places...you would like the Chai Tea. :)
I love you. I'm thinking about you. We both deserve a better year next year, I for one am holding on till this one can be flushed completely down the toilet and I can start over with a new one.
oh, I didn't finish that "believe it or not" sentence about teenagers. What the end of it was supposed to say was that they look for you to push them away like they're doing and when/if you don't they eventually realize how impressive and important that is. I saw it over and over and over and over again at the hospital.
Hey girl, Sounds like you are making some good sense here. There is NO shame in nurturing yourself. In fact, if you don't, you can't truly nurture anyone else. Good for you. Breathe....
Post a Comment