I have this recurring dream theme. My dad is back. Its not that he didn't die, he did, but he came back, kinda like in Pet Semetary. He's back, but its not really him, its not right. He's like the undead. He's like sitting on the couch and kinda half alive. Its really horrible, very disturbing. Like last night I dreamed he was there, I had to go to work, then at the last minute, like 20 minutes till 7 (I work at 7), he starts getting worse, like he's gonna die, and my mom gets nervous and is really uncomfortable with being alone with him while I am at work. So I call off of work. Diana W. answers the phone and tells me how she is a stronger person because she is doing all the same things I am doing, working, taking care of her mom, and NEVER calling off because she doesn't like being poor. (Lots of issues came out in this dream I guess.) So I call off, and there's my dad. Half dead, half alive on the couch. And my mom and I don't know what to do with him. Other people in the dream keep asking, "I thought he died last month?" And I don't know what to say to them.

There Sigmund Freud fans - go to work on that one. Cathy and Nikki, I expect to hear from you.

My children are challenging me. Lyndsey's birthday was yesterday. Lyndsey is my easy-going, fun loving, sensual now eight year old. Ryan is just a beautiful energetic, sweet child. High energy, but so sweet. And Cheyenne is my sweet baby.

These aren't the concerns.

Sydney is yelling, and screaming, over the smallest things, drama queen and very disrespectful to me and Royce and my mom. Sometimes just out of control. And its really weird how her moods coincide with my cycle. I am still enjoying her, but she is so hard to handle. (Is this karma at is best or what, Barb blessed with an overemotional child?)

Tyler is becoming something I don't like. I have not taught him to be this way, he has not observed it at home, and it is not in my personality. He is mean, really mean sometimes, very disrepectful, very detatched. He stays up all hours of the night, will not sleep, and I feel like he is intentionally trying to get kicked out of school. He is angry and resenting me because I don't have alot of money. He doesn't want to work for anything, but is so angry because he doesn't have "stuff". I understand being angry as a teenager, I remember how bad it sucked to be 14. I try to make up for the suckage a little, by being a cool mom, by being understanding. I take him wherever he wants to go, I don't restrict who his friends are, and I will never tell him what music to listen to or restrict music or reading or any of the arts, I feel very strongly that that is such a personal thing. I feel that the bad things in life should not be dealt with by being quiet about them, but by educating about them. And this is what I try to do everyday. But he is turning into a mean, souless, disrespectful, materialistic person. And he is only 14. I think I'm going to have to just set more rules, and be very disciplined about enforcing them. The rules will be clear and easy. It he makes my life easy, I will make his life easy.

Sometimes we play. He play hits and wrestles with me. He started doing this last night. I said "You know I can still take you down." Tyler, who is now 6 feet tall, just kind of looks at me and smiles, and says "I know", but you can tell doesn't really believe it. So I do it. And I take him all the way to the ground and sit on him. And that was that. The look on his face was worth it.

Tyler and my mom aren't talking. Haven't for a week. Something happened between them. And its not getting better. I think I'm going to get Tyler and Royce moved back in first. They need it. Badly. Right now Royce is staying at our house at night, sleeping on the girl's bed, with no electricity.

Everything should be turned back on after Friday. And we are going to get our beds and other things from the apartment on Friday or Saturday.

I'm just tired. Tired of all of everything. And my periods are so bad. It just kicked my ass yesterday. I swear I get anemic every month, and so much pain. Just kicks my ass. I had to take Dayquil and 800mg of Motrin yesterday, and it only lasted like 4 hours. Then had to take it again just to spend some time with Lynds on her birthday.

I'm just tired. The whole feeling around me is just sad, and tired.

We did go to the zoo yesterday. That was fun.