My dad died last night at about 10:45.

Peggy was there with him. My mom and I had left. I was there at about 10, 45 minutes earlier. My mom said she was staying the night, so I decided to go. I put my hand on his chest, I said I love you dad, and I took his hand in mine. Then I left. Apparently after I left, she decided to go home and get some rest. I think because Peggy assured her she would be there till about 3, and my mom had been there for 17 hours. Before I left I told both of them that I would stay all night the next night. But my mom and I both left.

When I first got there last night, I had planned on staying all night. The kids and Royce dropped me off at Hospice. I said good bye and they drove off. My girls have pink eye and fevers. After I watched them all drive away, I had this overwhelming feeling that I should be with them. So about 20 minutes later, I called Tyler's cell phone and told them to turn around and come get me. My dad seemed stable, breathing wasn't eratic, he actually looked better than yesterday, when I did stay all night because he looked so bad. So they came back, and I left to go back to Prescott for 1 night. On the way up the hill to Sunset Point Peggy called me.

After my mom and I left, the nurses turned him. He apparently didn't tolerate this very well, and soon after he took his last breath. Peggy was there when he took his last breath. And Kristi, his nurse. I feel bad that I wasn't there, that I had been there 45 minutes before, but I know that it doesn't really make a difference, and maybe there is a reason that it was good that I wasn't there. Either way, I guess it doesn't really matter.

Yesterday morning, when I stayed all night, my mom got there about 5 am. We hadn't talked for a week. The last thing she had said to me was to leave. She told me to go away. Now she started crying and told me she needed help. That she couldn't do all this stuff afterward by herself. She said she knew I was mad. I told her I wasn't mad. That is all I said. All I wanted at that point was to sit by my dad. I have no excess energy at this point. Not any for anger, not any for grudges, not any for issues. Only for sadness. I'm not angry with her. But she kept crying, and told me she needed help.

I'm just glad its over. Enough was enough. He looked so bad.

I'm a little angry, because people can't respect our wishes. Apparently yesterday they announced my dad's condition in church. Yesterday afternoon, when I was planning on visiting, Liz showed up at Hospice, even though we had asked for no visitors, repeatedly. Liz was very unkind to me in the past. She was the reason I originally quit going to church, she was very mean to me when I was pregnant with Ryan. She let me know, at church one week, how sinful I was for getting pregnant, and how I had disappointed my parents so much. So I forfeited going until she had left. I didn't want any drama at my dad's bedside, any bad feelings, any words spoken, and frankly my dad's deathbed is a very private place and experience for me, I didn't want to share any of it with her. So I waited a long to to get there. I got there at 10. And left shortly after.

Then he died.

Why can't people just do the right thing and respect our wishes? We asked for no visitors because my dad was a very private person and wouldn't have wanted people staring at him in that condition. But people can't seem to do the right thing. I don't care if you are offended that we want no visitors, it's not about you, its about my dad and his dignity.

You know, when someone is in that condition, and you go to visit them, you aren't doing it for them, it isn't going to affect them at all. They don't know you are there, nor do they care. You are doing it for you. To make you feel better. So YOU can see them one last time. And so maybe you can go back to church and let everyone know that you paid him a visit, that you went out of your way for our family. So you can report back to the church folk on my dad's condition. Well FUCK YOU.

WHAT THE FUCK is that all about? People need to fucking respect your wishes. And because she didn't, I didn't get to see him very much yesterday.

I'm going back down to Phoenix today. Get to help pick out a casket and make arrangements. Lots of fun.

The service should be sometime towards the end of the week I am thinking.

I told Ryan last night that Bob had died. The kids always called him Bob mostly, only sometimes Grampa. He was their friend. Ryan loved him. The look on his face broke my heart. Ryan is 4. He was very sad. His friend is gone. He was in my mom's house yesterday. He went in and started calling for Bob. Expecting to see him. He was his friend.

I love all of you in blogland, those that I know in person, and those that I know through the world wide web.

Thank you Trailady. Thank you for your words. They touch me alot. I feel like we are friends from a long way back, like me and Nikki and Cathy. Thank you.

Nikki, I wish you were here, so we could go drink.

Cathy, since you are, maybe we will.

The world is a much, much darker place,

...... without my dad in it.