My dad has quit taking his medication. One of the nurses told my mom that maybe its more important to worry about his quality of life than forcing medication down him that he doesn't want. Are you capable of not wanting something when your brain is gone? Just a question. I do agree with her in alot of ways. My dad can no longer walk, is basically bedridden/chair-ridden. It completely incontinent. Can barely speak. Occasionally its meaningful. And is barely eating and drinking.

There are those wonderful rare moments when he comes through. He is still in there somewhere. Encapsulated within a protective layer of Parkinson's. Sometimes he will look up, and laugh, and look at me like, what the fuck is wrong with me.

Stem cells. Let's see. What do I think? Babies. My dad. Too much thinking. What I think doesn't matter, nor will it ever matter. So, like everything else, Comfortably Numb is once again the easier and yet more appropriate way to go.

Is it wrong for part of me, deep inside to wish..................... wait, I can't say it.

Can't say it.

Peggy is working on getting him a wheelchair. Her sister in law works for a company.

My mom has informed me that Peggy has a "way with my dad". She got him to let her shave him, and clip his fingernails. Apparently he won't let my mom do this. Whatever gets the job done. But after my mom said that, I knew, that up until the end with my dad, anything I have to say or my opinion will never be considered. Mom told me, "No matter how much you hate Peggy, she has a way with your Dad". WHAT THE FUCK does that mean? What do I do for a living? Let's see. Thanks mom. Thanks for the confidence in me. I know she's just doing what she needs to do to get through each day at this point. But that hurt so bad. Peggy has a way with him. Ok. I resign.

I find myself resigning alot. About alot of things.

I miss my dad. I miss the person, my hero, that is in there somewhere. That I will never see again.

Disappear. Drop off the face of the earth. This is what I want to do. I've pretty much done it. But I think after my dad is gone, I will do it completely. Only Nikki, Cathy, Loida, and my family at the Copa.

At the funeral everyone will expect Peggy and I to "come to terms". My dad dying will not make her a nice person. So sorry to disappoint ya'll.

Comfortably Numb. Couldn't have been said better. I remember Cathy liking this song in highschool. I remember watching the wall with her.

Comfortably Numb. About to become my home address.

I want my place. Far, far away. Where no one can find me. Where I only let in what I want in. And never, NEVER see anyone else again.

I have a really hard time believing in god when this is happening to his most faithful servant. The most pure of all hearts. A god, especially ya'll's god of love and almighty power, would never abandon someone who dedicated and replicated him so perfectly. If god is real, he wouldn't let that happen. I can't believe in that.

Its kinda ironic that my Dad's christlike, true christlike character, is what is making me an athiest. I'm glad he is incoherant.

Comfortably Numb.

I miss my dad.