I think we just might go to Jerome today. We haven't been there since we moved. Just got home. Need to sleep. Last night was the first time I felt like I was really functioning effectively at work. It was ok last night. Is that normal? Don't women have babies the same way no matter where you are? Oh well, just glad it is better. My thoughts are on my parents alot. I don't think I will ever know how to deal with my mother. She always says something to hurt my feelings, to make be feel like shit, she is often rude to anyone who calls for me ( too many times I've got feedback from people that don't even know her that called for me). Tyler told Royce that he doesn't even like going over to her house when Peggy is there because all they do is say bad things about me. How pathetic is that. He doesn't even want to be around it. I used to think that ending all contact would solve the problem, for me and for her. But I'm having a hard time with that, despite the move, because of my dad. She left me a message yesterday morning to tell me that the copa wanted me to work. Her voice sounded so bad. Like she was on the verge of tears, like it had already been such a bad day and it was only 5 am, like she could barely speak. I listened to the message a couple of times. Then just erased it. But kept thinking about it all day. Wondered if I should call her and see if everything is ok. I understand that she is under a lot of pressure, but she has always been like this. What do I do? What will I regret later? I want to make myself non-existant. But I'm worried about my dad. I can never get away from that fact that god exists. In some form. Don't know if its just years of brainwashing damage, or if its the power of a higher power that won't let me decide it doesn't exist. I am in such spiritual turmoil. I still pray - to who I'm never really sure. But why? Whenever I think about my mom, or Peggy, or church, or anything that has to do with anything christian or adventist, my stomach turns. I want so far away from it, and to reject anything that has anything to do with it. But it almost seems like a diamond buried beneath a dirty, static, septic pool of mud. Like the mud will never change it, but makes it so hard to see. But the mud and disease do not change the fact that it exists. Peggy actually makes me want to wretch, so its best that I stay completely away from her. Just ranting today. Senseless, disorganized ranting. Somehow makes me feel better. If I treated my kids the way I've been treated I would never expect them to talk to me as adults. Yet I feel guilty if they might need me now. The darkness that was sustained by anger is now being fed by loss and heaviness, and just simple sadness. Desire to withdraw. One time Heather told me she just wanted to curl up in a box and listen to music. Kinda like that.

My kids got to visit Susie, my biological mother yesterday. They had never met her. They also got to see my sister Tara and her two little kids, their cousins. I'm really glad they all got to get together.

Royce you already do so much for me just by being here. I'm sorry I don't recognize it enough. I would be lost without you. I have a feeling you will be my anchor in the near future. The only thing that keeps me afloat and breathing.

Please everyone pray that my kids will get home safely tomorrow. They are flying back home tomorrow night. I'm scared now because of what happened yesterday. Apparently they are still looking for 5 people. I'm trying not to think about it.

Nikki, I bought a shirt yesterday too. It says " Weapons of Mass Destruction" then has a picture of "The Holy Bible" and "The Holy Koran". How profound. Its great. I should get you one.

Now for a little tequila a little Type O Negative and a little surfing.

My new address:
Fallen Angel
420 Whiskey Row
Comfortably Numb