Just wanted to let you all know that we got moved in. We have been here for a week, things are wonderful here. I have done 3 shifts at my new job, still adjusting to that, but it seems like a very nice place to work, and everyone there has been really nice. The apartment is beautiful. The views and landscapes here are amazing. It is so pretty. The highest it gets is in the 90s, and its so nice at night. The hill that we live on overlooks all of Prescott Valley (not Prescott, but Prescott Valley, just east of Prescott). Adjustment is hard, but it is a lot easier in a place this nice. So things are good everyone, very very good. There is just a sense of peace here, in all the surroundings, in the people, in the apartment complex, and in our hearts. It is so quiet here too. You go outside and hear nothing.

I feel a sense of satisfaction that I could and DID do this for my children. Can and will are two very different things when it comes to me. It is a much better place for them to grow up. They are in a safe, clean, wonderful place. I feel good that I actually made the decision to do this, and even more so that I actually followed through with it. Its so easy to get stuck in the comfort zone that you are in, and to find reasons that you can't leave. I was in that for so long. I don't do change well. It is hard for me. I wake up in the morning and ask myself sometimes, what have I done? Nothing here is familiar, what was I thinking? And there is a strong sense of lonliness and fear. But I know in my heart that it is the right thing. My children are better here. I feel that I am giving them so much. It feels good. So good to give them this.

In one of those panicky moments, I think it was the day I went to work and my new job, I woke up and felt totally out of place and lonely and scared and totally out of my comfort zone. I kinda just wanted to go home. And realized I WAS home. I felt very bad. I had this overwhelming feeling that I had lost part of my soul, and couldn't figure out what it was. I felt like I had lost important things, in the busy-ness of moving and being busy, - my meditation, my sense of spirituality, my interest in energies, - it seemed my PASSION was gone. I couldn't put my finger on it. Something was gone, but it really wasn't these things. Something that had been part of me for so long didn't come with me when I moved. These things were still important to me, so what was it that I had lost? What was gone?

And I realized it was my anger. I didn't feel angry. I have been angry about so many things for so long that it had just become a normal part of everyday me. And it was gone. The overwhelming peace up here did not let me keep it. Its my anger and animosity that is gone. And after I realized that I felt so free, so relieved. I hadn't lost me. I had just lost the negativity. Its sad and scary that anger felt so normal to me that I felt lost without it. Very very sad. All those things are still important to me, but they do not have to feed off of anger like they were. They will be sustained by peace from now on.

What you focus on becomes your reality. In all the positive energy and decisions that I've made lately, the huge step to make my life and reality different than it was because it was no longer acceptable , the huge step to change my life - brought about more than I expected or was looking for. The positive energy to change other things, things that are tangible, actually changed my inside in the process. My anger is gone. A nice side effect.

I miss my mom - believe it or not. I miss my dad. I miss my house. I miss the Chinese place. I miss looking out my front window. I miss my other job. I miss Mill Avenue. I miss Loida. I miss my 7-11. I miss the buildings around my house.

The list of things I don't miss is too long to write.

We are going down to Phoenix today (that sounds so weird). Tyler is staying at Christian's house and going to visit Lee (both great kids, I'm glad he is still seeing them). Sydney and Lyndsey and Ryan are going to stay the night at my mom's and visit her, and Royce and Shi Shi are staying at his mom's to visit her, and I am going to work at County tonight - hopefully if they need me. I need to work alot if I am going to keep up this new life. Its all on Royce and me now. No more help with anything. We are finally adults, took long enough. I have to do this for my kids though. And I couldn't and wouldn't have done it without Royce. Him being here has really made it a possibility. We all owe him alot.

Think we might visit the dog park and do that Senator Highway drive before we drive down there.