I went to Camp Yavapines yesterday. Can you even believe it? I swear, its been like 15 years since I have been up there. I think it was the summer of 1990. That was the last time. (Me and Mike Reagan, and that bottle of Champayne, and - yeah, I remember some of it at least, lol! I know Nikki remembers.) I remember I listened to Appetite for Destruction and Dr. Feelgood the whole way up there. And wore my little black mini-skirt in my 110 pound 18 year old body. Yeah, good times. I saw the old Youth chapel, where god knows how many times I've been in there, Music Camp, Bible Camp, just hanging out playing the piano with friends - or by myself. Some of those memories are so vivid. And they are such good ones. The last time I was up there I remember hanging out with Karl and Kevin. And Mike Reagan of course. And the girl's cabins. It just cracks me up. Its different now. Lots more cabins, but its basically the same. The big pavillion, where all the meetings are. I remember I played "Let There Be Peace On Earth" there when I was in 6th grade, in front of everyone at a meeting. I was so nervous. But I did really well, my teacher Mrs. Francis had showed me how to make hymns sound really fancy - Dino Style (remember him?) - with all kinds of chords and arpeggios and stuff. Actually not very technical, but sounds like it. So I all fancied it up and everyone was so impressed, and my parents were so proud. One of the few times in my life my mother has ever been proud of me. I think it was after that song that people started asking me to accompany them. People I never even knew. And that went on for years. I remember so much about Camp Yavapines. I remember being there with Jerry, staying in the girls cabins ( I remember you - yes you Nikki - getting upset at the rest of us girls because we were playing the radio on Sabbath, OMG I'm cracking myself up remembering that. If we could have pushed fast forward on that very day and gone to today I think we both would have had an aneurism. I swear to god I am laughing right now. I remember hanging out with Denis and Jerry, and playing for Karl and Nikki and Cindy Mack in that little chapel when we had down time. Just hanging. I remember when Cathy's cabin got broken into. I remember Peggy and Cathy hiding in the forest at night and trying to scare us. I remember playing and singing Joy in the Morning. Wasn't that just the greatest song? I loved that song. I remember Mr. Leukert and Mr. Kravig and all the long practices. Would we go back if we could? Life is such a different place now.

It is still so beautiful there. We went to go find Loida, she was at Spanish Campmeeting, emailed me the day before to let me know she was coming up. I thought since I live so close now that I should try to go and find her there. It was weird, this time my KIDS were running around the place. We went down to the stable looking for the horses (there weren't any). It was just weird.

Loida's mom looked like she could barely tolerate the fact that I had come to visit her. But it would be unchristian to ask me to leave Campmeeting now wouldn't it? You have to at least fake it on a Friday night on the holy campground. Have to grit your teeth and muster up a half smile. I think I've paid enough tithe and washed enough feet and paid enough tuition to be allowed to come on the property at Campmeeting time. Its so funny how a mother can be so hurtful and mean to her daughter, say such horrible things to her and about her, about her children, be so unsupportive of her, and hate her friend so much that she is visibly disgusted that her friend came to a christian gathering - and call herself a christian and act like church and the religion are so important to her. How can the two coexist? For a "christian" to have so much hate in them that they are so angry that someone they hate came to a christian meeting. Is that not ludacris? Do you think Jesus would have been angry that I showed up at the sermon on the mount? I have been nothing but a friend to Loida. I care very much for her and her kids, consider her one of my very best friends, and would do anything for her. Yet I am the evil one.

I hate christians. More and more everyday. I realized today that I will never set foot in a church again, except for maybe the occasional funeral or wedding. If I need to meet with god - whoever or whatever he is - it will be in the trees, in the mountains, at the lake, at the ocean. Or on the street corner with a homeless person, or at the bedside of a sick patient.

I keep coming back to that poem. The Paradoxical Commandments. I am going to make it my philosophy to live by. I am going to take each sentence, and meditate on it. I want to live the words of it. I want them to be in my soul. I want them to become second nature. I want them to become me. I'm obviously not there yet, but this is my goal.

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is all between you and God;
It was never between you and them, anyway.