So I finally got my ass into the gym yesterday. Its been months since I went. I went after working all night. I did 30 minutes on the eliptical machine and then did 20 squats. Then went home and slept. It actually felt really good to get in there.

I finally, after 35 years of living, have a no frills plan. I always have these grandiose plans of losing weight and getting in shape. These unattainable unrealistic goals. Not this time. I'm going to do it the old-fashioned, gut-wrenching, sweat breaking way. Maybe its different this time because I have more than one reason for doing it. Something more than being vain.

I'm going to work out everyday. No complicated plan - cardio everyday (the eliptical), 30 min. to start, and work up to an hour a day. And strength train one of 4 body parts every day - day 1 squats, day 2 biceps, day 3 calves, and day 4 triceps. And then start the whole thing over. I don't care if a professional trainer says thats not a good way to do it, like I should do one body part a week, or I should be doing more body parts, or whatever. Those are the parts I want, and thats how I'm doing it. Nothing fancy. Just hard, simple, steady work.

I'm going to keep eating healthy, mostly organic, but overall just healthy.

I will not count calories - either eaten or worked off.

I will not deprive myself of food. If I'm hungry, I'm eating. And I'm enjoying the food.

No grandiose loss plans. I want to lose 1 pound a week until Christmas. That should be right around 30 pounds. No more, no less. I'm 170 pounds today. That will make me 140 by Christmas. I'll take it.

I'm not going to expect ANY changes for at least a month (not a few days like every other time), and no drastic changes until Christmas. And then start over for another 6 months and lose another 30 pounds. 110. I'll take that too.

I am doing this for several reasons. Ever since I had my tubes tied and had my 5th child I've been having some female difficulties, and they are continuing to get worse. They are affecting my quality of life and those around me. Not minor things either. Starting to be major. And they aren't every so often, they are becoming daily. I have pain almost everyday. And when I'm either ovulating or on my period its really, really bad. Thats twice a month, at least. I've been in bed for a few days. Sometimes taken the whole week off. Lots of times I sleep with a hot water bottle and live on Motrin. The rare occasions that I've had some percocet have been wonderful. My best guess is that it is uterine. Some of it is comparable to early labor. It totally affects my activities, my relationships, and my working. I honestly just want it taken out sometimes. I don't need it anymore. I don't know if it is fibroids, endometriosis, scar tissue damage, or just from having too many babies.

Physical things are just one side of it. Actually the lesser. I'm having a really hard time with my moods. Not just normal PMS, but really bad. My bad week, the week before my period I'm horrible to live with. My sex drive has almost completely died. And there are days, more and more often, where it feels like I am just going crazy. Literally. I can find no outside reason to be upset, or down, there is no logical reason, and yet I can't seem to pull myself out of feeling so bad no matter what I do. I honestly feel at these times that I am losing it, that I'm having a nervous breakdown, that I'm going crazy. I have to redirect myself and tell myself if won't last long. I can look around and see that nothing is wrong, and so even though I feel psychotic, I know it will pass in a short time. As soon as I start to bleed, its all good. Royce says I'm a happy bleeder. Then the physical stuff starts. Yeah, lots of fun for two weeks out of the month. And it gets worse every month.

When I talked to an ob/gyn that I know he told me it could be perimenopause, or a few other things. Basically my hormone levels are off. And the treatments are basically antidepressants, diet, exercise, and hormone replacement in the form of the pill. I'm not real thrilled with the antidepressants or the pill. I don't want to be a zombie, which I was when I took them before. I don't want to be on hormones, thats the whole reason I had my tubes tied, to avoid being on them the rest of my life. I think both of these are used way to often, handed out like candy, the way we treat all overactive children with ridalyn and call it a quick fix.

I think I have a better solution.

Eating healthy. Low sweets. Its funny, when I'm not deprived I actually don't crave sweets. When I actually eat, I don't want them. Funny how that works. Cut way back on alcohol. Lots of evercize, regularly - every day. Meditation - I'm learning how to do it. Everyday - starting out with 5 minutes a day. Yoga - I need to commit to this more. Enough sleep. And herbal things, mainly Vitex. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks. I feel a little better I think. They say it takes a couple cycles to notice. But apparently it is very effective.

I'm going to heal the internal things with something other than a pill.

As far as pain goes, I think these things will help it too, at least I hope they will. And if not, I learn to live with pain. Lots of people do. Things could be worse.

I also don't want high blood pressure, heart problems, and diabetes, which I've started to have early symptoms of all of these. And I'm totally genetically predisposed.

I have total control over whether they happen or not. They aren't going to happen.

I'm going to make all of these "treatments" a priority everyday. I'm going to exercise whether I hurt or not.

Yesterday, when I was on the eliptical, a few machines down was a female at least 60 years old. She was going twice as fast for twice as long. She was toned and fit and beautiful. I want to be her when I grow up. Its a choice. Not a predestination.

Just do it, right? It felt so good yesterday.

5 or 6 hours before I'm in the gym again. Actually looking forward to it.

Peace.