Paralyze

par·a·lyze

Definition:
To affect with paralysis; cause to be paralytic.
To make unable to move or act: paralyzed by fear.
To impair the progress or functioning of; make inoperative or powerless

Do you ever have things that paralyze you? There is something that has this effect on me. Or rather someone. I usually find if I can break things down, organize things, figure out what I am afraid of and why, then a way to overcome it can be found. This usually works. Not this time. I've been around and around this one, from every angle, with every rationalization, with every logical intelligent approach, everthing short of therapy. Still I find myself unable to move or act.

I find myself paralyzed in every possible way. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, and even physically, literally. Its disgusting. I hate it.
You can not know how much I hate this.

Every strong piece of advice I have ever given somehow does not work on ME in this situation. The trigger happens and then I can't move, I am not free to think, to speak, to love, to even more literally even physically move, like from my bedroom to my living room, until it is safe. Until its gone.

"To impair the progress of functioning". This is a very good description. It is impairing the progress of the functioning of my life. "Me" stops functioning when this happens.

It has often reminded me of a kitten, when you pick it up by the neck. It goes completely limp until you let go.

I'm holding back even in my writing. In my space. In my personal free space. Therefore it really isn't free anymore now is it?

Those of you who know me well may very well know exactly what/who this trigger is.

The sick part is, the more it affects my functioning, the more power I give up. And he is the last person or thing I ever want to give anything more to, most of all my power.

I'm so upset right now.

I've recently come to the realization that there is a good chance a specific someone is reading my blog. My fear, every aspect from physical to emotional, is very conditioned. And very warranted. Its like trying to teach Pavlov's dog not to drool when he hears the can opener. I'm not sure I can relearn. I feel so powerless.

I have a choice. The choice to be free. To continue and be myself here, to write, to explore, to celebrate, to question, to love. Or the choice to be afraid of that someone seeing me. I was never seen. I was never allowed to be seen on his part, and in return never let myself be seen. I am naked in here. I like being naked. I need a place to be naked. I can physically feel myself shudder if I even consider the thought of him seeing me in here.

I'm actually sickened because of my first response. When I realized he is possibly here I immediatly thought "I'll just have to alter my content, alter my openness, have a more mainstream "blog". I don't even totally understand why I'm scared. I think I'm scared of being laughed at, at inopportune moments, in front of my family, my kids, whoever. Afraid of my thoughts being thrown in my face and used against me. Even afraid of him silently learning who I am, what is inside me, whether he ever says anything to me or not.

My second response is I need to attack before I am attacked. I need to start out in the red. I need to make naked in here everthing bad that happened. Everything he did that made me this way. To validate my fears before I have to. Does that make sense?

I will not give in. I will stay me. I will be free. Bring it on.

I'm going to go to bed now. Have to work tonight. Hopefully won't have bad dreams.

I think I need therapy. Still paralyzed.