These blogs are a beautiful thing aren't they? And cyberspace is such an open, free, public, wonderful thing too, isn't it? When someone has to "approve" my comments, or save my two cents worth (that they kind of asked for in the first place by being so public) until they can read it and decide if it is appropriate or not, when this happens, I can just go to my own little space, can't I? My own litte chunck of cyberspace where no one has to "approve" of what I have to say. It is a beautiful thing.
I've been thinking. This whole atheistic, pagan, anti-christian, loss of belief system/loss of God transformation that I have been going through - lots of things have got me here. Some things had more pull than others. I'm actually writing this today for someone specific, someone who I know is reading this right now, who I know reads every one of my posts.
Alot of people have been trying to "save" me. Some kindly, others just annoyingly. People, friends, send me emails. Don't lose faith. Don't look to others. Look to Jesus, he is the truth.
I guess I'm kind of angry. Awhile back, I did something. This something wasn't right. In my mind at the time, it was ok though. I justified it. Since then, I have felt remorse for it and apologized to the person I wronged. Well - one of them. If I apologized to the other one, well, that would cause more wrong than I caused the first time. Because that other person doesn't know anything about it. I figured I had done enough wrong. So I honestly apologized from the heart to my friend and left it at that.
But you know, this is someone who claims to be a Christian. Whenever we speak, Jesus is the center of all conversation coming from him. I'm being prayed for. Jesus is still there. God still loves me. Jesus is the only one who can bring peace. Salvation is worth more than anything on this earth. We can't even have a conversation or a friendship without him completely obsessing about Jesus.
How can you keep talking about the love of Jesus when he apparently isn't important enough to you for you to make things right? For you to come clean and apologize? How do you sleep at night?
You know, to read about your close, loving, honest, Christ-centered relationship online kinda makes me sick. I read and read her blog and just shake my head. And smile. Its really hard to stay quiet in the comments section while she publicly spews about her god and faithful husband.
Yeah, I guess this is one of those things that got me here.
Blatant dishonesty vs. "Thou shalt not bear false witness."
You telling me you can't be my friend anymore because of my "lifestyle." Because of my sin. Then you do what you did. And are too chicken to even come clean. Thats how important Jesus is to you.
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Royce asked me what I am trying to accomplish. And so I think. What am I trying to accomplish?
I guess for one I'm explaining to all y'all Bible beaters why I don't believe it anymore and what got me here.
I'm trying to let someone know its not right to judge me and take away your friendship when you aren't even honest.
And most of all, I'm asking you to never EVER mention Jesus again to me if you haven't made things right. If you haven't done what you judged me about.
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If Jesus were here right now he wouldn't tell me he couldn't talk to me anymore. He wouldn't leave me. He would hug me and tell me to go and sin no more.
And as for you, he would be writing your name in the sand.
(It sucks when the pagan girl knows her bible as well as you, doesn't it?)
I know you think it will go away Karl, if you just ignore it. I'm not going away. If you want to talk, you know where to find me.
Is Jesus bringing you peace now?
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5 Comments:
We have had our disagreements about anger and how to resolve it, about taking the path that enlightens your spirit ( the TRUE meaning of spirituality by the way, not the bastardized christian version ) instead of taking the path that satisfies your need for vengance.
I KNOW this is a hard path, and to quote one of my favorite books ( wich is a true story by the way ) the path an enlightened man walks is narrower than a razors edge.
I know how hard it is for you to focus on yourself and the kids when your friends have openly disgraced you, treated your children like bastards because you left your abusive, degrading, control freak of a husband, tried to make you ashamed of your feelings toward me because of my beliefs ( or lack there of ).
Let me just say this, you amaze me daily. All you ever wanted was a family and a church and to be a mommy, and by the unpredictable, unstable characteristics life displays you were tossed into this situation.
Provider, spiritual advisor, healer of broken hearts, healer of broken family, confidant, mommy and daddy, and healer of all things that should never be broken.
Your path to spirituality is definately harder than mine, much steeper with bigger boulders, but I will be there tho help you rest or climb, whatever you need.
And by the way, this is your Blog, your space, an extension of what you feel and think. People can come here to be hear your deepest rants or the recipe for your favorite cookies, its all good.
AND as to the subject of wronging a certain someone who you can't appologize to, that all depends on motive. If anywhere in your heart you want to appologize to get back at a certain person you should be remain silent, vengance is only followed by revenge. If you ONLY feel remorse toward the individual then it must be expressed, but your motives must be clear, you must be honest with yourself ( really hard to actually do ).
Either way you choose to go I will support you, after all I haven't been a saint all my life. My search for philosophy came out of some fairly violent situations that I helped create, or at least participated in, and I found out how much more satisfying peace is through its absence.
I love you honey. Thank you for supporting me and for your words. But I am angry. I'm hurt and angry and need some time to just be hurt and angry. The more I think the angrier I get. The more I just want to go away. I want you to be the soft place that I fall. I know I need to work tomorrow, but I think I need to fall tonight. I know the last few days have been stressful. I just need to be with you tonight. And tomorrow. We need a day tomorrow.
Thank you for understanding about Karl. I love Karl. I really do. I would do anything for him. I think I'm just hurt.
I just don't understand everything that has happened. I don't understand anything anymore.
Barb, A true friend will accept you the way you are. This "friend" does not sound like a friend at all. It seems as though he just wants to try to change you to fit his mold. Don't fall for it, you are a great, unique person. You really should distance yourself from people who make you doubt yourself. I feel sorry for him. How sad. I think you should focus on you and your family. Fuck what anyone else thinks or says. Be true to you and the rest will all fall in place. Just stay on the trolley, those of us that are along for the ride are happy. Trust your destiny!! At first it is scary, but when you get down and things are bad, just picture a trolley strap and hold onto it, it will lead you down your chosen path. forgive this person, for yourself, and let him go. The grief and grudge will eat you alive and prevent you from being happy. Meditate and focus on getting rid of all the anger. All these people who have let you down trough your life go on living their life. It is the anger you hold that will keep you from being happy. If you do this, you will become very peaceful internally, it is a wonderful feeling. Trust me, I have been there. You cannot change the past, but you can change your future, let go. I can sense your anger and hurt ,as an unbiased person. Change your energy. Everything in this universe is made up of energy. You are a truley wonderful person, don't bury yourself in guilt and anger. Words mean nothing, energy is everything. Get some crystals and some plants in your house. Your friend, Heather.
I hear your heart... and feel your hurt...
You want me gone? Fine. You're almost there.
Ed
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