Suzie, thank you for your comment. I'm glad that you read my blog. And catch up on "me". I really am glad that you come here. I was glad to see your comment. The kids do know who you are. They know you as "Grandma Susie". They love all the things you have sent them. They know who Izzy and Zoe are and that they are their cousins, I have their pictures saved on the computer. And Tyler and Sydney remember Tara a little.

Life is funny. Sometimes when I think about you and me, and the card that life has dealt us, it seems unfair. I don't think about it like I used to. Now its just a normal part of my life, but when you really think about it, it seems unfair, on so many levels. I guess its just one of those things where you take what life has given you and you do the best you can do. Not that I would change anything, I wouldn't be who I am or have what and who I have now. I guess its the path not taken. And I'm very lucky, luckier than most people, to be able to actually see the path not taken. What would have been. Peggy will never have that option.

So, Heather, I went to dayshift. I also am cross training to the Emergency Department and am also going to float to Med/Surg. The emergency room at county is definately a challenge. A little scary. Like a fucking war zone sometimes. I'm totally out of my element. But its good for me and I'm ready for a change. The 2nd floor at work, my floor - labor and delivery, postpartum, and nursery - is not a good place to be right now. The feeling and energy on the floor is so negative. A few of us in float pool actually made a bet yesterday about how long it would be until Dumb and Dumber leave. I'm sure Me and Mini-me will go down together. It will be awhile though, so its a good time for me to not be in the same vicinity as them. Breathing the same toxic air as them will cause one of two things: I will either catch some strain of Idiot flu, or I will open my big opinionated mouth too many times and I will find myself fired. She has already fired or caused to leave at least 11 nurses. And some for such bullshit. They are both pure evil, straight from hell. Yeah, and I hope you are reading this Corrine and Janna. People with that much bad energy don't usually last that long though. My bet was for under a year. Karma is a five letter word, you wanna know why? Because it is much stronger than all the 4 letter ones. Karma can really suck if you have been an ugly person.

Hopefully I will get to work with you Heather lots more often now.

Tyler is at Jessie's house. His birthday party. I keep seeing changes in Tyler since he left the school. It breaks my heart. Tyler had some great friends at the school. Lee, Christian, and Jessie. They were my buds too. Good kids. I even miss Tylers's friends. So any opportunity for him to hang with them is good. Jessie invited Tyler to his birthday party. Lee is white, Christian is hispanic, and Jessie is black. I loved it that Tyler had friends of different races, and went to their houses, and grew up not seeing them as something different, but as just the guys. There was no racial tension or prejudice. Last year Tyler went to Jessie's party. Stayed the night. Its actually kinda funny, we are the poor white folk compared to Jessie, and he and his family are the rich black family. His dad is ex-military who worked under Colin Powell, and his mom is I think the vice president of Casa Grande Hospital. Way way up management. They have an absolutely beautiful home out in Chandler. They are wonderful people. We kind of got to know them when Katrina happened. They found out that Royce and I went down there and they have family there. One time they came to pick Jessie up at our house, our tiny, half-broken fixer upper in the bad part of town. They were wonderful, and gracious, and never acted as if there were any difference between us financially, came in and talked to us, unlike alot of some of the white parents with a little more money than us have when picking up their kids. The gringos just usually try to get the hell out of our neighborhood as fast as they can, locking their car doors as they are flooring it. Jessies parents are wonderful. And Jessie too. Maybe they don't judge becuase they have been judged. Last year Tyler stayed the night. When we went to go pick him up, we found him and Jessie down the street, in the very beautiful neighborhood, playing basketball with a bunch of guys from the neighborhood. Tyler was the only white guy. It was great.

Two days ago Tyler was getting ready to go to Jessie's house. All they guys, his old friends, wanted him to bring his 360. Yes, Tyler, probably the poorest kid there, is the only one with an X-BOX 360, you know, that thing that no one could find 2 months ago at Chrismastime, that costs $500? (What's wrong with this picture? He did use mostly his own money though - mostly - yes I'm a sucker).

Tyler makes the comment, " I'm not sure I want to take my 360", when asked why, he kind of sheepishly said, "Cause most of the guys that will be there are black."
I think the nausea and urge to vomit were the only things that kept my heart from sinking any lower. Royce was sitting on the couch. We just looked at each other in disbelief. I think about Katrina. I think about traveling through Texas and the disgust on peoples faces when we told them we were going to help the hurricane victims. I think about the people standing on their roofs begging for help. I think about the people I "helped" in the Astrodome. The black woman in the make-shift OB clinic in the Astrodome, who was being treated for an infection because her lower half had waded in contaminated flood water for 5 days. How she was so apologetic for smelling bad and for not being able to keep herself clean. I was the one that should have been apologizing. How she started crying when she told me she had lost her mother-in-law in the astrodome, an elderly confused woman, when she went earlier in the day to get medical help. She had been looking for her all day. And her husband had stayed behind in New Orleans, to try to find other family members. She didn't know where he was either. They had been air-lifted'rescued out of New Orleans, then dumped out on the highway and left there for 5 days, no food, no water. Her and her little mother-in-law. And now she was lost. And then she apologized again for her smell. I got to leave the Astrodome after a few hours of work and go stay in a motel. I got to drive back to Phoenix, in a car, to my home. Where I knew my kids were safe. I was mortified, and humbled, and embarrased to be white. Disgusted with MY people. If Katrina had hit Bel Air or Beverly Hills or Palm Springs or a military base, people would never have been left there to starve and wallow in toxic waste. Never. For the first time I was ashamed of the color of my shin. But not of the content of my heart. My heart was changed in many ways on that trip. Some good, some bad. Many, many ways.

Tyler would never have felt like that, or made that comment when he was at the little christian school. He has only become that way since his short stay at public school. In our neighborhood and this new school, there are many mexican and non-white kids, but his attitude has changed for some reason. I see so many differences.

Thank you Mr. Claus. Thank you Seventh-Day Adventist School system for making my child leave. Thank you for forcing me to put him in this new atmosphere.
Fuck you all. Appreciate it. Fuck you all. See you in Hell.


There's something wrong with the world today
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes
We're seeing things in a different way
And God knows it ain't His
If you can judge a wise man
By the color of his skin
Then mister you're a better man than I

Something right with the world today
And everybody knows it's wrong

Livin' on the edge


Thats where I've been living. Thats my home address. The edge.

Listening to Aerosmith. I know its weird, they are hard-core rockers, but sometimes their songs really get to me. I find my self in tears, hoping no one sees me listening to my favorite band. Them and NIN to that to me. Some of the lyrics, how can I say it, just so describe where I am sometimes. Theres something about realizing that someones else can describe how I'm feeling, and that they've been there, that brings on tears. Not sure why. Alot of times their words are the mortar that enforces that beautiful wall of mine. Sometimes I am just at home. My head is at home with the music. Does that make sense? Guess you had to be there.

Watched Armegedon last night. For the first time. Yeah, I know, where have I been. Liv Tyler. Love her. Love her daddy. I was actually crying at the end. Stupid movie. Made me cry. In front of everyone too.

Got me thinking. Of a new question. Haven't had a question in a while.
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Question: Do you have any favorite actors/actresses, that are not mainstream? Overlooked, underestimated actors? Actors that are very talented, in alot of movies, but not very recognized? There are a few I have, I don't even know their names. I will have to look them up. But they are so good. I can think of 4 of them. (Going to look them up right now.)

Ok, found them.
#1 - Kathleen Wilhoite
#2 - Michael Jeter
#3 - Kathryn Hahn
#4 - Steve Buscemi

#1 - Kathleen Wilhoite, played Chloe the sister of the female ER doctor on "ER". She had a baby, was irresponsible, and left the baby with her sister for awhile. She didn't have a big part, but I really loved watching her. She also does the voice for "Pepper Ann", a cartoon, I think Disney. I'm not sure its even still on. Think it was on Saturday mornings. Here is here picture:

#2 - Michael Jeter. I really like him. I've liked him for a long time. He played Edward Delacroix in "The Green Mile", the little frenchman with the mouse "Mr. Whiskers" who got executed (awesome execution I might add), he also played the psych patient at the beginning of "Patch Adams", his roomate in the psych ward who was afraid of squirrels who helped him turn around his whole life, which by the way is a true story, and last but not least he is Mr. Noodle, on Sesame Street, for those of you who have kids. He died in 2003 of AIDS.

#3 - Kathryn Hahn, she plays the grief counselor on Crossing Jordon.

And #4 - Steve Buscemi, probably the most well-known of the 4, he has been in many things, Armagedon for one, which is what caused me to think of the question. He has been in lots of Adam Sandler movies (You Can DO it - Happy Gilmore) (the shooter in Billy Madison), "The Big Labowski", and was in "Spy Kids" 2, as the eccentric scientist that made all the animal combinations on the island. He has been in SO many things, and in one of the most incredible actors out there.

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Gotta go work on my tiny fixer-upper. When we get the digital camera working I will put pictures of the house and kids on here. Gonna do some tile today.

Peace