Nikki, you have no idea how the flowers made me feel. It was a total surprise. I went and cried. They are beautiful. And what you said on the card. I'm keeping the card with me - forever. You have no idea what you did for me yesterday. I am writing this at work - probably shouldn't cause I don't like crying at work. But you have no idea. I wanted to take them to work with me so I could have them close to me and see them all night. Thank you. Sometimes you know me better than I know myself. And then the book came. Once again, totally surprised. I'm going to read it. I did take it to work with me tonight. I have a feeling its going to be wonderful and at the same time so hard to read. Thank you. So much. I still can't believe you actually thought that much about me and what was going on to do all of that. Thank you.

Traillady, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for visiting me here. I thought maybe for awhile you left, but you came back. Thanks.

Papas angel, I'm glad you are feeling better. Glad you got the job, congratulations.

Heather, thanks for calling me tonight. You always brighten my day. You always make me feel better. We should talk more.

And Royce. The flowers made me think of all the many times you've brought me flowers. I'm sorry I've forgotten. Thank you for being wonderful.

I don't know how many times during the day I just start crying. I'm crying alot. I feel like I'm sinking. I can't even explain how it feels. I've felt like this before, for short fleeting moments. But it never hung on. It never embraced me like this. Its not that something hurts, its that huge shift that Nikki was talking about. A huge shift that affects how I see the world. I don't feel dead, I feel sad and unstable.

I'm on the edge. I don't want to feel - anything. Good or bad. I just want to sleep, or drink. Nothing in between. I'm shutting down.

5 days till Aerosmith. Maybe that will help. I am very excited about it.