I'm not even sure how to write today. For the last week, I've been telling myself I need, yes need, to sit down at the computer, and just write. About the things that have been going on, and I guess more importantly what they are doing to me. What they are doing inside me, to my soul, my heart. Not to minimize the importance of the events of the last week, but the writing is solely for my soul. The last few days, I've been really withdrawn, and in being intropsective, I've discovered that they are affecting me on more than one level. I'm finding it really hard to write, I don't know if its because inside i really don't want to or what. I think maybe I'm so hurt, and reacting to past hurts, that i'm just having a hard time expressing myself. But i'm going to try.

Listening to music. Maybe that will help. Aerosmith, eagles, pink floyd, korn, nin, marilyn manson.

Last thursday I got to the school to pick up my girls. The school was on lockdown, because a guy had been "hanging" around the school that afternoon. I saw him, he was sitting on the fence of the house next to the school. I found out that before I came, he had been on the school grounds sitting in the picnic benches outside the front office. The principal, Mr. Claus, eventually asked him to leave. He apparently left, and proceeded to go in the alley that surrounds the back of the school. He stood in the alley, spoke to some of the older boys, and followed the little kids, my girl's class, from one side of the playground to the other. By the time I got there, he was still hanging around, I don't know if the police had been called or not at this point. A little while after I got there, someone told me the police had been called. I decided to take my girl's home, Tyler was in the car with me too. On the way out, he was on the sidewalk, continually looking back at the school. As I drove by him, I wanted him to know I knew he was there, to make eye contact with him. I drove past really slow, really close to him, and he didn't look at me at all, but with really big intense eyes, looked straight at my girls as I slowly passed him. Stared them down. Just the look he had in his eye gave me shivers and made me want to puke. I drove down the street about 50 feet, then turned around. By this time he was in the park next to the school, and the police were talking to him. I drove back to the school to let the teachers know that the police were talking to him. Then I left again, I wanted to see where he was, I had a very bad gut feeling about him. He had walked back down the alley and was standing behind the school, looking through the fence where no one could see him. Its like he just couln't make himself leave. I went back to the school for the 3rd time. I got out of the car, walked out to the fence where he was hiding, and said "Can I help you?" He said, I'm just checking out the park. I said You need to get the FUCK out of here. He said I'm not doing anything wrong. I said why are you hanging around watching the school? You need to leave. He rolled his eyes, turned his back to me, and sat down on a park bench. This is like 50 feet from the school gate. I said to him, I will call the police on you again. Do I NEED to call the police again? You need to LEAVE. You need to get the FUCK away from here. He continued to sit there. Mr. Claus came up to me at this point, and said he was going to call the police again. I sat there for a few minutes. Mr. Claus never told the other teachers that he had come back. But I did. I decided to leave, and had decided I was going to ask Royce to come back to the school with me. I dropped the kids off at home, they went over to my mom's house, and Royce returned to the school with me. He was still sitting in the park right behind the school, this is like a half hour later, watching the school. I know he was just waiting for a child, a child to walk through the park, a child who wasn't paying attention. Its like he was so drawn to the school he couldn't make himself leave. Even after the cops had warned him twice. And now he was in a public park. Public property, not breaking any rules. Royce approached him, basically told him to leave, the guy just ate there, his responces were so weird. Not normal. He didn't seem high either. Just weird. He tole Royce he wasn't doing anything wrong. Royce told him, I'm not a cop - I'm a parent and I'll fucking shoot you if I need to to feel safe. Royce threatened to kill him if he did anything to any of our kids. So by this time, the school had told him to leave, I had cussed him out, the police had talked to him twice, formally warned him once, my husband had threatend his life, threatedned to shoot him, and the guy still sat there. His appetite for a child was so great that he ignored everything else around him. I said I can sit there as long as he can. So Royce and I sat there. For an hour. As he sat there and continued to look at the school. Royce and me 50 feet from him, obviously watching him. We eventually got in the car and waited. He sat there for an hour. Then he left. We followed him. He went directly to another gradeschool, and sat out in front of it, trying to watch the kids, pretending to wait for the bus, but waving the bus on when it came. We told the staff at that school, and they called the police. Who never came. He finally left, and we followed him again. This time he went directly to Tempe High School, and sat behind the school, at the railroad tracks, its dark at this point, no one can see him, and watched the girls running track. We saw a little later that he had a whole set up there. A little place, hidden by a tree and bushes, with a little cot, and a place to sit. He wasn't homeless, he was clean, clean clothes, clean shaven. He was about 25 to 30 years old, and about 240 #, and caucasion. He obviously had a route planned out, knew exactly where every school was, and even had a place to sit set up for him, where he couldn't be seen. Now this guy did not wake up that morning, and for the first time, and go, you know I think I will stalk a child and try to molest someone today. Who knows how many children he has hurt. And how many he will hurt. He was evil. And very dangerous. And his behaviour was weird and predatory. He should have been taken very seriously, and not underestimated. He was very bad. We told some of the neighbors, and one of them came out, and he and Royce approached him. This was the first time he got angry and defensive. When they were forcing him out of his territory. The other guy called the police and demanded that they come, now. And mind you, up till this point, for 3 hours, we had been following him, at about 50 feet behind him the whole time, and he kept looking at us, probably 100 times, and never tried to run, never tried to hide, never walked fast, was so driven by his need for a child that he didn't even care that he was being followed or watched. I was sick to my stomach at one point. And to think what he would have done if he would have got his hands on one of my girls. He finally walked down the railroad tracks, we followed him until we couldn't drive where he went. It was fully dark at this point. We left he alley, found an outlet to the neighborhood, and on the way out saw a police car. We followed it, trying to get his attention, and followed him right down the tracks to where we had just been, he obviously was responding to that other guy's complaint. He finally stopped and we talked to him. Told him everything. It was actually the same cop that had come to the school a few hours before when the principal called. So he knew what had happened earlier. After that we left. It was all we could do. We couldn't do anything else. I hoped that I had been so annoying to him, such a pain in the ass, that when he went out again to a school, cause you know he will, he would skip ours, thinking those parents are crazy, they follow me.

This man was extremely dangerous. He was going to hurt someone. Again. And he wouldn't be satisfied until he did. He had an appetite. He is a predator and was hunting.

If he could have somehow got one of my girls. He would have sexually assaulted her, this I am sure of, probably raped her, probably hurt her, maybe even killed her. And dumped her little body somewhere, maybe in some alley, some dumpster, maybe a shallow grave out in the dessert. Maybe in pieces. And he's done this before. I know he has. To think of my Sydney, or Lyndsey, being strangled by him, suffocated by him, hit by him, his huge body, huge penis, raping her tiny fragile body. The look in her eye as he had her, the complete terror she would experience. And then death. And him disposing of her little body, as easy to him as it is for us to take out the trash, only a recepticle for his appetite, only a means to satisfy his drive. This is what I saw when he looked at them. This is what I saw when I followed him to 3 different schools. He was hunting.

I asked Lyndsey later that night if she saw him at school that day. She said "Yes, he was weird". I asked her why she thought he was weird, what in her little 7 year old mind warned her that he was not okay. She said, "because he followed us". I had chills up my spine.

The girls did not want to go to school by themselves the next day, Friday. The didn't want me to leave them, and frankly I didn't want to leave them either. So I told them I would stay there at the school that whole day, which was only till noon, cause they are dismissed at noon on Fridays. There was not one adult male at the school that day. Not one. Mr Claus was in California apparently getting certified to teach in public schools, cause as you recall, he isn't coming back. No one made any arrangements to have any adult male at the school. There were only 4 women teachers, not including me. Christian, Tyler's friend, who is 13 and in 8th grade was the closest thing to a guy there, and the strongest person there. No note was sent home with the kids about what had happened the day before. No nothing. When I told Mrs. B, the girls teacher, she actully laughed at me when I told her we followed him. She thought it was funny. There wasn't one funny thing about that story. The kindergarten teacher was the only one that kind of took me seriously. She told me her husband was there the day before and thought he should stick around because he was the only one with a knife. At least he was thinking on the right track. But the next day, no one there to protect them.
They could have asked the pastor, Van, to hang out till noon, because of what had happend the day before. Its not like he has another job. He's the pastor. The leader of the flock, right? They could have asked him to be there. No one did anything, or thought anything of it. And when I said anything they all looked at me like I was crazy.

Over the weekend I thought alot. By sunday night, syd told me she was very frightened and didn't want to be at school without me there. She was scared to go out for recess, she didn't trust Mr. Claus, and she was scared that guy was going to come back. She was terrified. And there was this nagging thing inside me that was not ok with leaving my girls at the school. I kept thinking, I feel like he is going to come back, and that I will leave my girls at the school one day, and never see them again. It would be too late then. I just was not comfortable leaving them there, and syd didn't want to be left there. And I couldn't very well sit at the school everyday. I could be totally wrong, maybe he would never come back, but if there is even a fraction of a chance, and I feel that there is, and Syd begged me not to leave her, and then something happened to her, I could never live with myself. I don't think any one at the school handled it right, or safely, and totally blew the whole thing off.

I can't leave my kids in a place where they are unsafe, or even feel unsafe, and the people in charge of the either don't recognize the behaviour of a child predator, or don't care.

A couple of weeks ago, some of the older boys told me that the whole class was in trouble, except for the perfect Zirkle boys, because the word "hell" was written in the boys bathroom. This apparently was a huge deal, and was a major thing. Mr. Claus was very upset, and did everything in his power to find out who did it. I can't leave my children in the care of someone who is more concerned with the word "hell" being written by some kid in the bathroon than he is with a child predator preying on the kids in the alley.

Is it me? Or is that fucking ridiculous? Is it me? Did I over react? I am just in total shock about how they reacted. I don't feel safe there. I can't keep my children there. And Sydney told me she would feel better if Tyler were there with her. That broke my heart. They forced me to take Tyler out of her world. The forced me to take her big brother away from her.

I withdrew Sydney and Lyndsey on Monday morning.

Mrs. B got defensive and said that the school did everything they were supposed to. I don't feel they did. I'm not even upset about stupid rules, or conflicts in beliefs, or for some stupid difference in religious philosophy. Its basic safety I'm concerned about. I really wanted to let the girls finish their year there. I like it there. They were happy there. Its all they've ever known. I didn't want to disrupt their little lives because of what happened with Tyler. But I can't leave them there.

I have to go with my gut instinct.

A couple questions. Why didn't the school send a note home the next day? Why was there no adult male there the next day? With as much money as I pay in tuition (it was $1000 a month for 3 kids times how many students do they have?) why isn't there some sort of security there? Why are the kids left alone at recess sometimes? Why did he have enough time to follow the little girls across the playground without any adult noticing it? Why were they left out there long enough for him to talk to the older kids? Why weren't the police called right away instead of the last minute? Why didn't anyone go out to the gate or alley and confront him like I did? Why? Why? Why?

I feel totally let down my the school, by the religion that I grew up with, by religion in general, by any one that claims to have anything to do with god. After everthing that happened with Tyler, and now with the girls and safety issues, I feel completely let down the belief system I was raised with. I'm hurt because of how I was treated, and angry at how my children have been treated. That was the last tie I have to anything Adventist or religious, and it will be the last.

I'm feeling a huge sense of loss, of hurt, of disbelief - like in the Matrix, when they find out everything they ever thought they believed in is false, is a charade. My complete sense of god, of beliefs, of morality, of right and wrong, its all gone. I don't feel helpless, I feel disillusioned. Kind of surreal. A huge sense of loss. Disbelief. Everything that has happened this last year has contributed to this. And this is the last thing with the church I guess. It hurt so bad to take my girls out of the school, to clean out their desks. To drive over there for the last time. That was my school. I went there. And they asked me to take Tyler away, and would not protect my girls. My heart is very heavy. And to think of the cloud of lies that I now know I was surrounded with. The picture that was painted over reality. Not protecting me. Decieving me. I feel totally deceived.

I have no belief system. I have to figure out a whole new one. One that makes sense to me.

I broke apart my insides
I’ve got no soul to sell
The only thing that works for me
My whole existence is flawed
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything
Help me
Tear down my reason

I don't know what I believe. I think I still believe in god. But it is not the god I was taught about. It was not the god I was raised with. It is not the god everyone around wants to either shove down my throat or judge me by. I don't know what I believe. I don't believe anything. I don't ever want to be told again to not judge the beliefs by some of the actions of some of the people, I don't ever want to be told you know whats right, you know in your heart ( I can hear my mother's voice). I don't know what's right. And I have nothing to look to for guidance. It is all flawed. I don't want one more person to tell me that god is there and that he loves me. I don't want one more stupid email about some touching story about god or something he has supposedly done. I don't ever want someone to show me "the way". I Don't ever want someone to tell me that god is all knowing and that he knows best, and that he knows why things happen. I don't ever want anyone to talk to me about god again. EVER. So consider this a warning, all of you well-meaning, ignorant, self-righteous pilgrims, prepare to be told to shut the fuck up. If god is there, or whatever higher power I decide I believe in, and he is any part of my life, it will be between me and him - or her or whatever the fuck IT is. Until then, I just want to not think about anything. I will be comfortably numb. I will concentrate on my little world. My place. I will make it good. My kids, my marriage, my home, my immediate surroundings, my souI, my sex life, my sexuality, my reading, my heart, my journey. It is all I need right now. I have no soul to sell.

Awhile ago, I found a blog. Eris is the writer of this blog. She is a very intelligent, interesting person, at least to me, and everyday I check her blog to see what she has to say. Her little take on life. On reality. She never fails to make me smile, to brighten my day in a twisted kind of way. Today there was a link on her blog. It is titled There is No God. I read it. It makes alot of sense to me. Still not sure what I believe, but I know that this particular essay makes sense to me and where I am at right now. Its the first thing that has made sense in a long time. It is written by Penn, of Penn and Teller, the magical emtertainment act.
Here is the link: There Is No God

Here is one part that particularly made sense to me.
Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do." So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Click on that link to read the whole thing.

Thank you Eris.