Sorry

When I decided last March to not drink for a year, I really thought that year was going to be about alcohol. And not drinking it. And I'm finding that there is much more to it.

The year seems to be breaking itself in 3 separate segments. The first 4 months of this have really been about the physical aspects. The craving, the doing without, the good days, the bad days, the withdrawal. And I seem to be through it. But I am realizing that if I don't figure out why and fix that, then I will just go back to what I was.

Now I'm at a point where I am wanting to figure out why. I know my dad was a big part of it. But there are other issues too. I decided that I won't be able to do it without a clean slate, and in order to go on and start with a clean slate, that I actually need to "clean" it. That I need to go to those I have hurt and make amends. To apologize. And it is the apology that is healing, not the acceptance, although its nice if that happens too. I have 5 people that I need to apologize to.

Karl, Mr. Klaus, Loida, my neighbor Teresa, and my mom.

I realized that for all unrelated reasons, everyone of the issues I had with every one of them was because of something related to religion/christianity or that was how I percieved it. Thats what it was to me. They all have been wrong to me, but I in turn was very ugly to them. And this is what I need to apologize for.

-Karl was to me how christians can be so pious and so inconsistant at the same time. And that it was my friend/brother who could do it to me, and then preach in the next sentence.

-Mr. Claus was rejection. We were always taught that God would accept anyone. Well, Mr. Claus told Tyler that he had to leave. Basically that he (and I) were not good enough even for God.

-Loida never did anything to me. It was her mother. To me she represented the mean-spiritedness that goes on all too often in christianity. Just plain meanness.

-My crazy neighbor Teresa who I was probably the meanest to. She represented the Waco, Jim Jones insanity that happens. Carrie's mother. And I'm not kidding.

-And my mom. People who preach and preach, and then can be so ugly, who are so judgemental.

All of these reasons - I basically said Fuck It. Pour me another one.

And I realize now that all of these were Manic Mondays for me. This doesn't make me feel any better. Just helps me understand it a little more.
(Maybe I'll start calling them Cyndi Lauper moments)

All of those people had something to do with religion. Chrisitianity.
And now I need to say sorry for what I did wrong.
I am scared though.(They do look good though, don't they?)