Sweet Child of Mine

So, I had a particularly challenging day - I desperately wanted a drink, the cravings have completely set in. I had plans to meet a couple of friends tonight, knew I would be in a bar, and had even decided this morning, that fine, I'm just going to decide to have a few drinks. And let that be that. After talking to Royce, who wasn't judgemental or condescending or harsh, just loving and truthful, I remembered why I had decided to stop for a year. And made the decision to not have a drink today. No matter where I was. Or with who.

Got to tell the ending of the story first today, however.

The good thing is I have found a cure for my alcohol cravings. Yeah, nips it right in the ass.

Its called Really Bad, Drunk, White-Trash Karaoke. Yep, a sure fire cure.

At the end of my day, after deciding not to drink, I thought "what better way to motivate me not to drink than a little visualization of what really drunk obnoxious people look like". Turns out, I'm a pretty smart little girl. And I went where I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. Throw in really off-key mutilation of some of my favorite songs in a trailer-park dive bar - and Wah Lah!!! - Not wanting to drink so much. Being the 80's child that I am, and my love of all things Guns and Roses, I think the 350 plusser that waddled up to the mike, god bless all her 350 big ones, that belted out "Sweet Child of Mine", really kind of cleared up the whole picture for me. Almost, and I say almost, as memorable as the 400 plusser, who had a beer in one hand, a mike in the other, and was too drunk to be able to stand up, and who to my horror chose one of my most beloved songs to sing - Closer - who inbetween the phrases "I wanna fuck you like an animal" hurridly turned from the mike and gulped down as much beer as she could before it was time for "I wanna feel you from the inside." By the time she got to "You can have my absence of faith" and "You get me closer to God", ------ I had to go. This was New Year's Eve 2 years ago - I had to walk out before I even touched my drink. I just said to Royce, I gotta go - Now. And left my long island sitting there. Tonight in many ways was just as memorable. My deep love of all American, honky-tonk, redneck, deliverance style country music couldn't be any stronger than it was tonight - I really really needed a drink to get through it- but no no no (insert Amy Winehouse's voice here) - I forced my sober little self to listen to it. Hell, I sang along. A little Hank Williams Jr, a little Garth Brooks, even a little Paula Abdul, circa 1986. Remember the little Chinese guy on American Idol?

I think Sweet Child of Mine was my fave though.

Yes, quite an epiphany tonight.

My friends couldn't make it, so that left me alone in a couple of bars, one being my home away from home bar, with money, making it really hard to say no. I decided to go anyhow, just to get out, and even wore my hot stripper shoes. Just to do it.

Tonight was a little experiment for me. I had a few questions for myself.
1) Can I sit in a bar and not drink?
2) Can I walk in 8 inch platform fuck-me pumps?
And what would reactions be to the shoes?
3) Can I still enjoy music sober?
4) Can I still play pool sober?
5) Can I have a good time and not drink?

I sat in two bars. Didn't have one drink.
I walked quite well in my fuck-me pumps. Impressed myself. (Maybe I can be a stripper after all). And everyone loved them - except the fat girls. Of course.
I enjoyed alot of music tonight - even if it wasn't all sung well. Got to dancing a few times. It felt good.
Won a game of pool fair and square, sober, and in 8 inch pumps.
And had a really good time.
Despite.

Royce and I were talking today. There are alot of things I love about alcohol. Lots. I don't want to live without these. But I need to slow down. Take a break for awhile. Get healthy. Stop being destuctive. I need to be stronger than it for awhile. Find out who I am without it. Then, when I've done that, and gotten away from the addiction, maybe I can learn to simply enjoy it for what it is. Not let it control me and destroy me.

But that glass of Cabernet, or Merlot, or Pinot, or that shot of Cabo Wabo is going to taste and feel PHENOMENAL come next February.

Being at the bar tonight made me not want to drink, made me never want to eat another carb, and made me crave the gym. I don't want to be like those people.

And I can feel the changes happening.

Started out feeling really bad, withdrawal setting in. My body wanted a drink, my mind wanted a drink, and my soul wanted a drink. Demanded a drink.

Then opened my eyes.

Went to the gym instead today. Did upper body weights, squats, and an hour of cardio. I need a high. I just do. This is what alcohol does for me. I'm replacing it with the high after cardio. The doctor told me I need an antidepressant to balance my mood. I just need to move. I find that I can't keep my mood up if I don't do cardio at least 3 times a week.

Fuck Prozac. Fuck Paxil. Fuck Zoloft. Fuck all those things that make me a zombie. I don't want some chemical analgesia, some emotional Tylenol, some emotional antipyretic, emotional Aspirin, something that takes the fever away, like the fever is the problem when the fever is actually the thing that is killing the toxins and is there for a reason, something that makes it seem like things are better simply cause you don't feel - don't feel anything in my case. Fuck that. I want to be able to cry, and laugh, and have a mind blowing orgasm, sexual climax, and life climax, and if something hurts its cause there is a problem - the pain doesn't need cured, the problem causing the pain needs cured. Then the pain goes away. Pain is a warning sign, a red flag. I don't want to be so weak that I just have to numb the symptoms and ignore the problem. Fuck all of that.

I feel good today.

Can't wait for my Yoga class tomorrow. I've been looking forward to it all week.

And I'm starting to laugh more. Real, genuine laughing.

And speaking of Karaoke, and laughing, which I think is so healing, I always have to pass on what heals me. This one still gets me. I think I almost peed the first time I saw it.

Go ahead, click:

"KARAOKE FOR THE DEAF"



It makes me giggle like a little school girl, hee hee!!