Last night it was me. The patient was a 19 year old, 7 months pregnant, who had suffered a gun shot wound to the back. She had been pulseless and not breathing for about 30 minutes. No electrical cardiac activity to even shock. DOA. We were prepared to cut and to do a c-section, but the attending OB doctor looked and looked with ultrasound and there was no fetal heart rate either. I stood next to him, and looked and looked, desperately trying to find a baby's heart beat. I thought I saw one, I think I wanted it so badly. But nothing. I saw her up close. Saw her face, her eyes. Saw the gun shot wound when they rolled her over. So they covered her and the trauma room of about 30 medical staff slowly left. It was apparently a home invasion.
She had a two year old too.
Her name was Amanda. And this is her picture:
You can see the news report at: http://www.azcentral.com/community/mesa/articles/0124MesaShooting24-ON.html
Its one of those things that will stay with me. In the place that remembers the evil I have seen. The place that keeps the mental photographs of "the Bad". She didn't look like she does in the picture, and I will see her face for a long time. The things in that place are always hard to look at, to see whether I want to remember or not. Those things always make me "tired". But they always make me stop too - stop and look at the good that I have.
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I think I partially ate out of stress last night. It is good to learn why I eat.
And that was yesterday and today is today.
Food Diary for today:
Turkey Sandwich ................................. 360 calories
2 V-8 juices ....................................... 140 calories
Lowfat cottage cheese
(1 cup)and peaches(3 slices in syrup) .......... 265 calories
Diet Coke .......................................... O calories
Baked chicken (thighs) 1 1/2 cups .............. 405 calories
White rice, approx. 1 1/2 cup................... 360 calories
Teriyaki sauce 3/4 cup............................ 180 calories
Vegies (tiny tomatoes, peas, cauliflower,
salad peppers, no dsg............................. 100 calories
2 yougrts........................................... 340 calories
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Total ...............................................2150 calories
I was a little surprised at the total, didn't expect it to be that low. I got all my caloric information from www.calorie-count.com and tried to be as accurate as possible. If I'm not sure of the amount I always try to go higher rather than lower. I never felt deprived today. I ate when I was hungry. But I made better decisions when I chose food. On the way to work I was hungry. I stopped at 7-11 instead of jack-in-the-box, and got the sandwich and v-8s. ate when I got to work at 7. By 10 I was hungry. So went down to the vending machine and instead of getting a candy bar, which is what I wanted, I got a cup of cottage cheese. When I got back to the floor I found a side of peaches from a tray that wasn't used. I put these on my cottage cheese. I took my lunch at 1 am, and went to the cafeteria and got the teriyaki chicken with rice and vegies. I passed up the fried rice, fried chimis, pot stickers, frozen yogurt, cake and whatever else is down there. I tried to pick the healthiest thing. And I didn't drink any soda today or yesterday. I really wanted one though before work. But like I said I never felt deprived and in fact I feel stuffed right now after all that rice. I shouldn't need to eat anything else, at least until I get off and go home. The mistake I made yesterday (one of them) was getting home after work, being tired and hungry and not planning what I would eat ahead of time - just asking Royce to make me the easiest thing that sounded good. Tamales. If I eat when I get home in the morning it will be a yogurt and maybe an apple. I will try and do a bike ride before I go to sleep for the day. Working again tomorrow night.
Namaste
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