On day 2 of my most likely 6 day stretch of work. Technically its nights, but you know what I mean. Nikki, I'm very proud of you for joining the gym, its not an easy step to take. Can be very intimidating and overwhelming. But did you have fun? You are absolutely right, you can not make people do something they don't want to do, or feel a way that they don't. But you can have complete control over your decisions and reactions, especially one like exercising. I haven't been exercising much lately, and you are inspiring me to get out there and do it. I'm working alot this week, but when I am done, I'm going to the gym and run again. My knee feels better. I started to find that I needed the exersize for my mental well being more than anything else, and losing weight and looking better have turned into pleasant side effects - not the driving force. I need to start Yoga again too. Even if its just the easy stuff. Its so good for my inside. I would love to make New Year's Plans. This New Year's will be our 3rd anniversary.

I've been really preoccupied with financial stuff lately. Not in an unspiritual, materialistic way, but in a "I finally need to get control of this shithole I've dug myself into" way. Can anyone relate? I'm a nurse, make good money, you would think I'm doing ok. But no, I am really irresponsible with money. We have been making steps. Baby steps. Thats all I can do. Baby steps are good. We got the brakes on the van fixed. Big Baby step. We were driving without insurance. It is now insured and we are now legal. Its feels good. Next is the air conditioning, the shocks, and the oil leak. It really is a great van. Just needs some work. I love it. I would rather lovingly fix it up than to buy a new vehicle, have ungodly payments, and extreme full coverage insurance payments. Its just not worth it to me. And besides, I really love the van. We also got the title in our name ( Doug still had not cleaned the title and signed it over, it was paid for in February and he just kept putting it off ). So all that is done now. Its ours fully, legal, and is safe. Now we need to get it comfortable, with the air.
Baby steps. We got a lot done this weekend. I also started a saving account, got overdraft protection, and my checking account is not negative right now. This is good. Every month $25 will be automatically deposited into savings. This is good. Royce got his trading account back today - put like $800 in and is going to start trading again. This is good. And it makes him so happy. And he really is good at it. I also am putting more money into my 401 K at work - $200 every paycheck just comes out, I never even see it. And it is pretaxed. This is good. But my housepayment is still behind. Getting kind of serious too. I'm working all this week. I'm very stressed about this, don't want to lose my house ( I think I would just die if I did), but there is nothing I can do except work right now. My credit score is so bad, something like 525 last time I checked, and I have wrecked Royces credit some. I have to change this. I will change this.

So I've been taking the herb, Vitex Agnus-Castus (Vitex), that Dr. Baker told me might help. It is amazing. I honestly feel like I'm on an antidepressant, without all the nasty side effects, except a little nausea when I wake up in the mornings sometimes. I can deal with that. No zombie like feeling. No apathy. Just a much more balanced and positive outlook. And its an herb, can you even believe that? And its a fraction of the cost of what I would pay for an antidepressant. The fact that it is working so well lets me know that it was very much female hormonally related. Apparently its been used for hundreds of years to treat female symptoms. I feel great. Its been a month and a half, and Royce and I can already see such a big difference. I feel so much better overall, and I feel really good about fixing myself by myself.

I keep thinking about what Robin wrote to me. Not limiting my thinking. How you can do anything if you don't limit yourself. I really like what she wrote. I really do keep going back to it in my head. Keep thinking about the bar. Someday.

We went to the Brass Rail this morning after work. It was a lot of fun. They have great food, good drinks, and great prices. Robin, Valerie, Kerry and her husband, and me. Going there after work is becoming a habit.

Heather, I got your email. My heart is with you. You really are a kindred spirit to me. I respect you for doing what you need to do. For following your heart. For being open and true to yourself. For taking the road less traveled, the not-so-easy path cause its the right thing to do. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. I know you will be ok. I know the right thing will make itself clear. I respect you for even looking for the right thing. More people should do this. I will be working Wednesday through Saturday. I will find you if you don't find me first. Love you. You will find your way.

Not going to get to do the race on Saturday up in Flagstaff. Need to work. The Saturday night shift, if I work all the rest of this week, will be an on-call overtime shift. Extremely high dollar. Gotta do it. There will be more races. Tyler was disappointed though. But I'm sure its better for him to be disappointed in his HOUSE cause I made the payment, than to be happy doing the race and coming home to the street cause its his new home.

Decisions, decisions. I hate being an adult. Sometimes I flat out refuse to be one. Maybe that is my problem with money. I hate adult life and problems and decisions. When none of the choices is the good one, simply the lesser of the two evils. Especially when it is about money. I hate money. I hate how it rules my life.

Got to work on postpartum last night and tonight. Nice and easy, very relaxed, nicest floor to work on. Got spoiled the last two nights. Who knows where I will be tomorrow night. Maybe 61. God forbid. But maybe Heather will be there with me.



What robin wrote to me on June 8:
Anonymous said...
Robin says ....Oh I can totally relate to your feelings of being "stuck" the hot weather,the pollution etc. I dream of getting away, going to california, starting all over again, trying to play on the pro beach circut, finishing what I started years ago. I miss the east coast, cape cod, Brookline , the beautiful seasons changing of the leaves, the ocean, Nantucket, martha's vineyard. etc. the smell of fresh cut grass and the fresh air smell when the wind blows by you. All I can say to you is what my heart screams..... hang in there love. There are better things to come in this life. It is what you make of it. Try to find the positive. You can control your emotions and your destiny. BRAINSTORM with your hubby. when you do, it is like you can both accomplish anything. Even if the idea is silly. You will even laugh with the crazy ideas you can come up with. I already know that you guys have brainstormed and told your desires. The "bar " you want to own. Maybe you will become millionaires when the time is right for the property that you own now. You are in the "mainstream area when it comes to downtown px. Val and I are going out after work in the am for a nitecap at the brass rail. wish you could be there. missing you. rockin R.

Cathy, I keep hearing in my head something you wrote to me that same day.
You said:
"I think about going somewhere cooler too, then I turn up the ac in the car and go to work. Working on getting out of the rat race.. each and every dollar counts."

Its weird - but that statement, "each and every dollar counts" has been stuck in my head, and has actually been helping me get to work and get through the day.

Peace