Been working alot. I did 4 night shifts in a row, thats why I haven't posted much, and then last night I got a little break, had to take a class, Neonatal Rescisitation (NRP) cause my certification expired and I need it to work, so that lasted 2 hours, and so I kinda got a night off. Was exhausted though, so didn't do much. And I think I'm going to work the next 4 nights, then take a little break. I hate working like this. I hardly ever see the kids or Royce. But I am really tired of having financial problems. Something is always due, or about to be turned off, or overdrawn. I hate it. And the house needs so much. I can never do anything to fix the house if I haven't even paid the bills. So thats it. I'm working. My mom always makes me feel bad, says the kids miss me, they want me home at night. Royce wants me home at night too. There's that voice, my mom's voice, that always tries to make me feel bad. Then I start getting negative. Why is it that she could never have supported me? In anything? Even now, she could at least not try to make me feel guilty about working, playing the bad mommy card. Its not like I'd rather be at work. It makes it really hard to go to work when I think my kids need me at home. Especially an extra shift. But I'm just going to do it for a little while. I have too. I'm tired of this. Always living on the edge. This is how I need to look at it. My kids miss me, and if I could do it differently I would, but I have someone to watch the kids, someone I trust home with the kids who isn't my mother, I can work whenever I want because of that, which is so liberating - you should see how some of the other mom's at work do it, its hell. I have job that pays a good wage and that will let me do as much overtime as I possibly want. I also make my own schedule. And the overtime is REALLY good. I really have a very empowering job. I pretty much am my own boss, make my own schedule, and work as much or as little as I want. I have the opportunity, if I work really hard for a little while, not forever, to really do some nice stuff for my family. I really need to fix so much in the house. I want our home to be a place where the kids enjoy being, thats comfortable and THEIRS, their space, and a place that they aren't embarrased about. I want to give that to them. Right now the floors are concrete. And its horrible. We took the carpet up a while ago, because it was so bad. I tried to paint the concrete. Didn't work. Now it looks horrible. The area rugs need to go too. I don't even like people coming in the house. I'm going to put plastic/wood looking stuff down, from Ikea. Its beautiful. I've wanted to do this for so long, talked to the kids about it for so long. They would love it. They would feel good about it. And so much other stuff too. If you could see my house, you would understand.

My mom basically tries to make me feel like this:

" Ok Barb, you've already screwed up enough, lived with a guy without being married, then married the asshole - had three kids with him, divorced him, "divorce does bad things to kids", got pregnant again, didn't stay with that loser, now that baby doesn't have a dad, then started sleeping with another loser, married that loser, had another baby, boy Barb - really good life choices here. I didn't raise you to sleep around, and I didn't raise you to keep a dirty house, and to not take care of your kids. You've already screwed them up enough, now you aren't even home for them when they need you. "

If I'm on speaking terms with her she is constantly making comments about how dirty the kids are, they need to wash their faces, they need a bath, the house is dirty, Royce is lazy, your carpet is terrible, your kitchen is a mess, I don't know how you have so much laundry, I wouldn't worry about painting when it is so dirty, you need to do this, you need to do that, the kids don't eat healthy enough, they eat too much junk, its not right to have alcohol in the house, its not right to do that to your kids, its not right to drink, you should be spending your money on other things that you need, not alcohol, thats not putting the kids first. I didn't raise you to drink, or eat bacon, or to live the way you do. When I was heavier, she used to let me know when I was gaining weight, and laugh. Make little comments. Every time I got pregnant she got pissed, told me it was disgusting. Hates Royce. Can not be happy for me that I found a wonderful man who loves me. Hates the way he lives, hates the way I live. She even accused Royce of being rough with Cheyenne, when he wasn't - I was sitting right there, and to my face threateded to call Child Protective Services. Thinks my tattoos are disgusting. Says Royce will never make it through school. Told me I would make a bad nurse, when I first told her I wanted to go to nursing school. That was the smartest thing I ever did. And I'm good at it. Constantly tells me we need to get rid of all of our pets, they make life too complicated and are dirty.

About a year ago I finally told her to never come in my house again. And to this day, she doesn't. Maybe on a rare occasion when I ask her in. The house is alot messier, but alot more peaceful. She doesn't do anything to help me anymore, she still would, but I don't need her anymore. For a long time I had no one else to help me watch the kids when I went to work. Now I have Royce. We don't need her to babysit, I don't need to use her car, and she doesn't do any of my housework anymore. For a while, she just pushed herself in, and did laundry and stuff even if I told her not too. Thats eneded. I would rather live in a mess, than to deal with her.

Between my mother and Peggy, I am a bad mother, don't take care of my kids, don't keep them clean, live in a dirty house, don't teach my kids right, don't discipline them, don't live healthy, don't make my kids eat right, completely knock my lifestlye, don't like Royce, look down on me because I have tattoos, because I drink, think I don't know anything about being a nurse. And they have both proceeded to tell the other moms and people at church things about me. Make me look bad. The both look down on me alot. And they both say things to my kids to make me look bad.

So, this is how I look at things:

- I didn't make a good choice with Kirk. But I have three beautiful children because of him, and I wouldn't change it at all. Never. He was what I had to go through to get them. My marriage didn't work because he was mean to me, not because I did anything wrong.

- I got myself and my children out of an abusive relationship. And I've been able to support them, keep them in a house, and supply all their needs without their dad. Its a major thing that I left, so many women don't, and its major that I can provide, so many women can't.

-I put myself though nursing school with no financial help from anyone. Had a baby in nursing school, I finished, got a job on my own, picked an occupation where I will always have a job, flexibility, and good pay. And I'm good at it.

-I have provided a house for my children. And all their other needs. All by myself.

-I had Ryan. Didn't do what alot of women do in that circumstance, and abort. I could never have done that, even when it was stressful, but am critisized more for having the baby. I did the hard thing at the time, the right thing, but am labeled for it. If I would have had an abortion no one would have said bad things about me. I had the baby, didn't kill my child, did the right thing, and people still to this day say hurtful things. Ryan is my love, my joy, I am so lucky to have him.

-After a divorce, domestic violence, rape, extreme verbal abuse, after losing myself, after being left and abandonded while I was pregnant, having an unexpeceted baby all by myself, I found a wonderful kind sexy man who I fell in total love with, who loves me, who loves my children, who married me with 4 kids that aren't his own, who considers them his own, and who takes care of them now, who I am still madly in love with. Who is not the typical guy. Who is unselfish, and sensitive, and totally demonstrative in showing how he feels, who is intelligent, who I am totally sexually compatible with, who treats me like a princess, yet also who could and would fucking kill someone who hurt me. Big and strong, all guy, who fell in love with me and my kids. How often does that happen? How lucky am I?

I think after all those things, I am a pretty incredible person. I am strong. I have wonderful children. I will raise them how I want. I have very different beliefs and priorities than most of America. And I'm ok with that. I have a wonderful man. The house is never going to be clean with 5 kids. And I would rather have a peaceful mess than an unfeeling, cold but clean museum for a home. And I love my tattoos. They are very personal to me. I think they are beautiful. They all mean something to me. I love them. And I'll get more. And I like alcohol. I'm a functioning alcoholic and I'm ok with that. I like it and I'm drinking it. I will have all the things I want and I will work hard for them. And when that happens I will sit back, with my margarita in hand, look at all I have been through and accomplished, look at my non-traditional home with our non-traditional lifestyle, look at the open and honest and great relationship I have with my kids, even though I wasn't always the "perfect and appropriate mom", and will be very satisfied and revel in it all. That will be the best moment.

I do not regret any decision I have made. Some decisions made my life harder, but I am where I am now and have the things I have now because of them. I really have no regrets.

Sometimes you just need to remove people from your life. And I've done that. Don't regret that either. You have to eliminate negative people, and surround yourself with only the people that matter. Everyone else needs to go. And I have done that too. Life is too short to irritate yourself with the stupid people.

Fuck them all.

Gotta go pay the water bill and the gas bill.

Might work tonight, not sure yet, not scheduled to be there yet. We'll see.

Maybe I'll just stay home tonight, lubricate my brain with some Jack Daniels and fuck the shit out of Royce in ways that would make Angelina Jolie blush. Maybe take a night off , jog, play with the kids, play the piano, and sing, and listen to music, and watch a movie, enjoy a few coctails, and have a sex fest. You know, its sounding better all the time. Think I need a night off.