A platform. Yes, that's what this is. This is my platform too. Like I said in my first post this is my space to be honest, to bitch, to contemplate, to question, to be dark, and to celebrate. And I quote myself, "honesty may not always be polite....and no ideas or expressions are wrong." I have welcomed all thoughts. Thank you for your honesty. That is the WHOLE reason I am here. I was also honest in response to your thoughts. This is good. This is the whole reason for this space. It is my platform and I invite the world, especially my sisters, to this platform. You are absolutely right - the truth is not soft. It often times is raw, and harsh, and hard to listen to. I very sincerely appreciate your honesty my friend. And I appreciate your last post. I still know you well enough to know you. I know you were not trying to hurt me. But I appreciate you coming back to make me feel better. You are still my sister. Truth is important to me. It is probably the object of my "journey" right now.

It always helps me to question. When I was young, I wasn't able to sit back and assess the situation. I simply reacted in response to what I was seeing, usually from a very self-centered place. Now, I realize it is helpful to just sit back, and look at things from maybe a different view. From the view of the other person. When someone reacts, just as I did, it is always for a reason. A nerve has been hit. A soft spot. Something was triggered in that person. And it often says more about the person reacting, than what they are reacting to. When I get angry at work when I see a domestic violence patient, or an asshole husband treating his wife bad in labor, or any guy being a dick, it is not because of what is going on there. It is because of things that have happened to me. And in turn, when I am touched at the gentleness and concern of a man for his wife having his baby, I also react. I could write a whole post, maybe even book, on this. Your words about truth are true. Sometimes it is wonderful, and that is when we embrace it and celebrate it. But often it is harsh and we don't want to hear it. Truth is on my arm now. Where I see it every day. I need to know what it is, or more importantly that I need to be aware of it. I'm sorry I didn't take the time to realize where you are coming from. I think you are coming from a perspective where you are thinking about your dad's life, and the relationship your mom and dad had, how much your dad gave to her, the solid rock that he was to all of those around him, and the absence of your dad now. All of that definately puts the term "soulmate" in a different light. I know you will play and laugh again. And right now its very ok to be in a bad place, and to be angry. To want to know why. To not be ok. Its ok to yell and to scream and to cry, and to do it on your platform, and on mine. Maybe the rest of us need to be quiet for you, and to just listen. To be your soft place to land when you fall.

I don't know if I have found my "soulmate." I don't think I believe in a true soulmate. I know that I have found something very special, that many people never find. I have never been this intimate or in love with anyone before, and I have never had anyone show such love to me. If that is a soulmate I have found him, if not, it is as close as it gets. I can still look at him and feel like I did on that first perfect date. Don't get me wrong, things are not always perfect, we have had hard times, and have hurt each other, but we have this amazing connection. We had such an amazing connection at the beginning, complete fascination with each other. We are both human, and we both brought alot of our pasts in to the relationship, you know - that whole reacting to past events thing, but our amazing connection is always there, and is very nice to fall back on. It is the glue, the strength. When you combine that with a promise, it is very powerful.

Loida, I am so happy for you. I feel for and relate to you on so many levels. I've been where you are. You are in a situation that I would find intolerable, and you exist there peacefully, patiently and gracefully, with much more grace and patience than I would have. You smile and laugh when I would not be able to. You make the best of a situation. You are still kind and positive when people are not kind to you. In some ways you are a much stronger person than I. Chris Rock once said, " A man is only as faithful as his options." I think maybe this is true also for being tolerant. We are only are as tolerant and accepting as our options, or the options that we perceive. Your options will blossom. You are a beautiful person. You deserve so much more, and someday things will be very different for you. You are a good mommy, and have a beautiful soul. I am very glad that you are my friend, and you and your children are always welcome in my home, with or without an invitation. If I could I would have you move in with us.

I want to say hi to Suzie. Thank you for visiting me here, hope you are not too surprised by anything here. I was so glad to see your response on my very first post, when I found it I actually woke Royce up and asked him to come to the computer to read it. Not sure I agree with the "old woman" name, I do not see you that way. In fact I'm very sure you have no idea how I see you. I hope that we can get to know each other here. If you read you will definately get to know me. I hope you come here often. Last week I worked a shift in the nursery. There was a baby in there that was up for adoption. The baby had just been born. The brother and sister-in-law of the mother came in to see the baby. After that the adoptive parents came in and spent some time with the baby. Apparently they had been on a waiting list for a long time, got a call that morning that a woman would be delivering a baby in about 3 weeks and wanted to know if they were interested, and of course they were. They began to prepare for a baby in about 3 weeks, then got a call in the early evening that mommy was in labor, come to the hospital now. Their other children didn't even know yet. After all the unwanted and neglected babies I've seen at work, it was beautiful to watch these people, and the biological family, with this baby. After all the births I've been a part of, helped deliver, deliver myself on occasion, mothers I've taken care of, the "medical terminations" I've seen along with friends that have chosen to terminate, babies I've seen die and held in my arms that had no chance to begin with, babies I've seen die that didn't have to, the little dead footprints I have had to inprint for mommy's Memory book, when I think of my own children, especially Ryan, my own deliveries - how different Ryan's was from Cheyenne's, it was amazing to watch this family and this baby. It made me think of you. My work and my own babies have given me a wonderful and vast perspective on my own adoption. I don't think you have any idea how I feel about you. I know I am where I am supposed to be, no matter the circumstances that got me here. I have a need, always have, to know you and Tara. Tara and I share alot of the same stuff. Maybe through here we can start to know each other.
Thank you for my life. I understand more than you know the choices you had. Thank you for my life.

They are repaving the street in front of my house. If I work tonight, not too sure I will get alot of sleep tomorrow. And Miami Ink is on tonight. Hmmmmmmmm...............to work or not to work?

I'm always caught in that trap between nuturing my home and my relationship and my children and my soul, OR nuturing my paycheck, which allows these other things to exist.

While I'm deciding I need to nuture the laundry and the dishes.

Peace