I'm frustrated because I can't get my profile to move back where it was before, now it is at the bottom of my first post. I have been playing and playing with everything, I even changed the template and all the fonts, but nothing seems to work, if anyone has any suggestions or answers I would very much appreciate it.

PappasAngel, I wasn't even sure who you were until I read your message that said you were going to stop by my house. I thought, who could that be? Then I saw your profile and blog. Yes, it is kinda weird that you were thinking and I was calling - especially after everything that has happened with us. You know though, at one time, for a very long time, we were very close, very intimate so to speak, not intimate the way most people use the word, but very in-tune to each other. That was a long time ago, but maybe we are getting back there. I'm so sorry that it took something very sad to get us back talking. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that sometimes bad things happen so other good things can happen. But maybe this is one good thing that can happen because of your dad passing away. I think about your dad alot.

As far as being lost, I don't feel lost. As far as being in the dark, I'm happy there. Its my comfort zone. I'm lost not because I don't know my way, or where I belong. I've finally found that. I'm "lost" because everything I was ever taught or believed is a farce, an untruth. Bullshit. So now, I'm trying to find out what life is all about. Its kind like someone who has being blind their whole life. Reality is there, trees and birds, sounds, people, all of life is there. But they have never seen it. Everyone around them has described things to them, told them how things were. So they naturally created pictures, images, conclusions to make sense in their own reality of what things are, what they look like. Then they get their sight one day. And everything that they ever thought or believed is different. Nothing looks the way they thought, nothing is what they were told. That is where I am. I guess the only thing I'm looking for is truth. I've found my place, and like my place, despite what anyone thinks. You of all people should be able to relate to that.

As far as "those places", the strip clubs. I'm very sure that the reasons you went there, and the reasons I go there are VERY different reasons. I do not go there for sexual gratification, I do not leave with my pockets empty and horny as hell. I do not go there because I get turned on by watching naked women. I don't go there like the men do to gawk at naked women dancing for me and get off on it. The ones I go to are not, how did you put it, dark smelly dank places. For one thing, I like to take my husband there. Beautiful naked women are not intimidating to my relationship, and we both have a really good time there. I like them because there is an air of freedom there. No one is judging me there. We are constantly surrounded by sexual hang-ups, taboos, in this country. I personally am sick of all the taboo. There are no hang ups, or taboos there. I'm a very sexual person and it is a very sexual atmosphere. I like it. I will not apolgize for that or try to change it. Thats me. I like the music and the drinks, and the whole dark, sexual, sensual, hard-core atmosphere. It is a sactuary for me. I'm sorry if that sounds weird. Actually I'm not sorry. My husband at this point is wondering what he did right in a past life to have a wife that loves strip clubs. I love the atmosphere, it takes me away. And thats the only way I can explain it right now. And there are different qualities of strip clubs. Sure you can always find the neighborhood dive. And thats ok too. But there are also some very nice, high class places that are not like that. Its my vice, deal with it. You have yours. Everyone does. Everybody has their thing.

Just because I do not hang out at Barnes and Noble or have a vast library of English literature, don't judge my intellect. You should know me better than that. I think books that are "classics" have stood the test of time because they have something very important to say, something that transcends all time and space. The lessons in them could have been applied a hundred years ago, and in a hundred years will still be applicable. East of Eden is one of my very favorite books. An incredible book. And Tennessee Williams I think is my very favorite author. I think people do what works for them, and find reasons to put a belief system around it. If the Bible works for you, thats good. Doesn't work for me so much. All of your suggestions have been explored by me, have been shoved down my throat, you know how we were raised, you were there. I've honestly and sincerely gone to them looking for answers, and my questions were not answered. Apparently we are at very different places. You of all people, who have been judged and told you were wrong and sinful, that your life choices that are so much a part of who you are, are wrong and evil and that you are going to hell, should be empathetic to being judged, and told to look somewhere else for what is "right". Don't judge my choices, my enjoyments, my beliefs, my alternative lifestyle. It works for me and I'm happy. Take me or leave me.

I'm done with religion or any one elses opinion of God. And thats that.

I was calling you yesterday because I stopped by your mom's house to leave something for her. One of the things I left was a chocolate pie. I left them on your dad's old truck. I hope someone found the pie, although its kinda cold outside at night I'm sure it would be ok. I just wanted your mom to have them, and I wanted to check on her. I took Sydney and Lyndsey and Ryan with me. They were going to tell her Merry Christmas. I figured you all were at your Grandma's or somewhere. And then I remembered it was your birthday. Happy Birthday. I haven't told you that for a long time. Let me know if she got the stuff. I'm still very willing and happy to check on her, I probably will stop by sometime today.

Just wanted to say one thing more. Its hard sometimes to look at yourself and see fault. I'm not above that though. Its the only way we can really change. Its really funny how things turn out. How they all come full circle. Karma I guess. When everthing happened with us, I was very angry. I was determined to ruin your reputation at church. It was evil, and wrong, but thats where I was 13 years ago. I was set on making sure anytime you walked in there that you would feel weird, that people were talking about you, whether their talk was true or not. I wanted to make you feel self-conscious and weird there. Now, because of my sister and recent events, anytime, like 2 days ago, when I go there, people look at me weird. I can tell things have been said, some true, some not. I feel judged and not welcome there, like I have a disease of sin that someone there can catch, no one gets too close. Close enough to "be like Jesus" and say hello, not close enough that something my rub off onto them, not long enough that those watching might think that they and I were actually friends. People see me and think, oh my, her poor mother.

I'm sorry I ever did that to you. It was wrong and evil. And unchangeable. I can't take back what I did. I'm very sorry. I love you, and I've missed you all these years.
Maybe we both would have been a little different people, a little better people if we would have been friends all these years since then. I'm sorry. I want to say that here in front of the whole world. I'm reminded of the words of "The Road Not Taken" in high school. The path less traveled, the easier path. I took it.

To anyone else reading, yes Cathy and I are talking again.

The weirdest thing happened last night. I called you, as you know. I called, left that message, called again, no answer. So I thought I would call your mom's house, just in case anyone were there. The phone picked up and I heard your dad talking to me. His voice. Chills went up my spine.

I love you. I'm going to stop by your mom's today. Maybe I'll see ya.

I was all gung-ho about cleaning my house this morning. It is so bad right now. And here I've spent all this time at the computer. But sometimes things like this are more important aren't they? The housework will always be there.