Sing It With Me

Contact High ................. Free
Hot Dog ....................... $5.00
Concert T-Shirt .............. $25.00
Tickets ........................ $60.00

Closing your eyes, 500 feet away, and singing "Dream On" WITH Stephen Tyler......

P R I C E L E S S

Dream On

MLAH, it IS a great album, isn't it. It seems that I've been there for a long time too. I can always relate to that album. I wish I knew who you were. Do I know you?

Going to dinner with Sara and Lisa on Sunday.

Going to Aerosmith on Monday.

Can you even believe?

I'm so excited.

Flashbacks

A few nights ago, surrounded by basically my whole immediate family, while discussing some bad blood that had gone down years earlier when I was a little girl about a certain family member who I don't like because of malicious things she did even to my dad, while getting ready to voice my opinion, this happens:

Me - "Well, its only my opinion and I know it happened a long time ago....................................................(pause while I gather my thoughts)

Then all of a sudden, without missing a beat to his coloring, and who I didn't think was listening:

Ryan - "Mom, don't have a flashback. Nobody likes those."

We all just about died, especially me.

**************************************************
Maybe I've been going about it all wrong, maybe listening to my 7 year old is all I need to do.

Sorry

When I decided last March to not drink for a year, I really thought that year was going to be about alcohol. And not drinking it. And I'm finding that there is much more to it.

The year seems to be breaking itself in 3 separate segments. The first 4 months of this have really been about the physical aspects. The craving, the doing without, the good days, the bad days, the withdrawal. And I seem to be through it. But I am realizing that if I don't figure out why and fix that, then I will just go back to what I was.

Now I'm at a point where I am wanting to figure out why. I know my dad was a big part of it. But there are other issues too. I decided that I won't be able to do it without a clean slate, and in order to go on and start with a clean slate, that I actually need to "clean" it. That I need to go to those I have hurt and make amends. To apologize. And it is the apology that is healing, not the acceptance, although its nice if that happens too. I have 5 people that I need to apologize to.

Karl, Mr. Klaus, Loida, my neighbor Teresa, and my mom.

I realized that for all unrelated reasons, everyone of the issues I had with every one of them was because of something related to religion/christianity or that was how I percieved it. Thats what it was to me. They all have been wrong to me, but I in turn was very ugly to them. And this is what I need to apologize for.

-Karl was to me how christians can be so pious and so inconsistant at the same time. And that it was my friend/brother who could do it to me, and then preach in the next sentence.

-Mr. Claus was rejection. We were always taught that God would accept anyone. Well, Mr. Claus told Tyler that he had to leave. Basically that he (and I) were not good enough even for God.

-Loida never did anything to me. It was her mother. To me she represented the mean-spiritedness that goes on all too often in christianity. Just plain meanness.

-My crazy neighbor Teresa who I was probably the meanest to. She represented the Waco, Jim Jones insanity that happens. Carrie's mother. And I'm not kidding.

-And my mom. People who preach and preach, and then can be so ugly, who are so judgemental.

All of these reasons - I basically said Fuck It. Pour me another one.

And I realize now that all of these were Manic Mondays for me. This doesn't make me feel any better. Just helps me understand it a little more.
(Maybe I'll start calling them Cyndi Lauper moments)

All of those people had something to do with religion. Chrisitianity.
And now I need to say sorry for what I did wrong.
I am scared though.(They do look good though, don't they?)

Expectus Patronum ! ! !

Today we see "Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince".
I will finish work, go home, sleep a little, then leviosa, and then go.
I found out who it is, ahead of time, but I'm sure it won't ruin anything for me.
I'm so excited.
Every movie gets a little bit darker, and Harry gets a little more angrier and a little more tortured. Good gets a little bit gooder, and bad a little bit badder.
Gotta love it.
You can feel it building up to the end, the last book.
And I hear that they are going to make 2 movies out of the last book.

Indulging myself in Harry Potter is one of those way of skidding in sideways screaming "WOO HOO - What A Ride" !

It is one of the good things in life.

Hey You, Out There In The Cold

I remember the summer of 1990 sitting in Brubaker's living room with Cathy watching a little movie called "The Wall." I had an epiphany while watching this movie, and surprisingly it wasn't chemically induced. I remember watching it, and listening to Floyd, and completely taken back with the thought that someone else had actually felt the same way I was feeling. This was magic to me. I didn't feel alone anymore. Looking back now, this was one of my Manic Moments.

Little did I know in 1990 that the hurt that had caused my wall was microscopic compared to what was to come. But thats a world away.

Alot of times this movie is watched under the influence of mind altering drugs or has to be explained. And I understood it perfectly, with neither. I understood the scene where he shaves off his eyebrows, and destroys his room, and the animation and feeling behind "The Trial" at the end. And "Comfortably Numb", well - we all know that that is where I prefer to exist. But am changing.

I recently bought the CD of The Wall. I use it to chill now. Sydney wanted to know what some of the songs meant. I tried to explain. But I guess she's just a little too little.

Been listening to The Dark Side of the Moon too. Chilaxing.

Hey you,
out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old
Can you feel me?
Hey you,
standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles
Can you feel me?
Hey you,
dont help them to bury the light
Dont give in without a fight.

These are some of the lyrics I relate to the most now. 20 years later.

Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy

I actually got tickets to Aerosmith. I'm so excited. Its July 27th, and it will be on the lawn at Cricket, but its better than nothing. We'll bring chairs. I've heard its a small place, and that there isn't a bad seat. I'm so excited.

I was reading on the Aerosmith website, and was reading about Steven Tyler. It was like an interview about things he likes, has done, yadda yadda yadda. They asked him his favorite book, and he stated " The Melancholy Death of Oyster Boy, and Various Other Unrelated Stories" by Tim Burton. I was very curious at this point, loving anything by Tim Burton myself.

Its a strange but delightful little book. You should check it out. I bought it tonight on Amazon. For a buck.

I Want To Live at Hogwarts

Dog Days

You know, just when you start to get caught up --- Well, you know. This paycheck we finally were seeming to catch up a little. And last night I saw one of our little dogs, Sparky. His eye looked like he had injured it, like in a fight or something, but I didn't get a good look. So I told Syd to go look at him.

His ENTIRE eye was out of the eye socket. Yeah............... pretty disturbing. And you know what was even worse than the disturbing part? The price to "fix" it. I HAD to do something for the little thing, I couldn't shove it back in myself. So today, $790 later (and that was the cheaper of the 2 prices, the other was $2000), Sparky's eyeball, which he will never use again, is back inside his little cranium. Along with antibiotics and pain meds.

Damn dog. And we don't even like him. He is a little shit dog. Always starting shit (obviously) and the worse case of short term memory I've ever seen. He always wants to take on the big dogs in his little body. He thinks he's a Rottie.

He'll probably get hit by a car now - that would be my luck.
Little shit dog.
But I still felt sorry for him.
He's just lucky it was my payday. Or nothing would have happened.
Poor Sparky.

I'm getting rid of the two dogs who are guilty of hurting him. Yep - the pound. The vet said it was for sure another dog that hurt him. Its time. (Don't worry, not Syd's little dog she just got back). I've given them a hundred thousand chances with other things, and always let them get by. They are badly behaved dogs that we tried to give a chance to. So they are going. Unless Tyler finds a home for "his" dog that he never takes care of. This was what is called "The last straw."

It is supposed to be 116 to 118 today. Its like an inferno here.
Dog Days for sure.

Here is a picture of Sparky.

Hogwarts

So I'm down 30 pounds - it fluctuates, but basically 30. Working on the next 5 for 35. Trying hard to stay on no carbs, screwing up some, but its working. And I got my ass back to the gym last night. It feels good. I just get very impatient with the speed, knowing its fast as it is, but I want immediate results. This has been my biggest enemy. So I will try to be more patient. I'm going to try and go to the gym everyday. Its so hot here I can't even go for a walk outside. Its ridiculous.

I bought an air conditioner for the living room. This was a good choice. And one step closer to having the house what it should be. Thanks to all of you for the nice comments. Its great to hear from you Steph. And Heather. I would love to have a little Housewarming party. I can't even imagine that right now, I am so far away from that. Stressing at even the thought. But moving forward. Remember my little Goddess Party Heather? Good times.

A few years ago when the very last released (but actually the 3rd in the series) Star Wars movie came out, we watched all the previous five movies the night before, then went to the theater the next day to see the last one, our little Star Wars Party. And in a couple of weeks we are going to do this again - and have a Harry Potter Party. On July 14th we will stay up and watch all the previous movies (on our awesome 7.5 surround sound) and then go to the theater the next day, the 15th, and see The Half Blood Prince. I am so excited. I love Harry Potter so much. We will have to start early.

I still go to Murphy's. Haven't been drinking, but will go there for lunch or to play pool. Old habits are hard to break. On the wall it has a count-down until next St. Patrick's Day. The celebration of my Year. I have 259 days left. 113 days sober. Its getting easier.

A few people have asked if I have lost any weight. I need a little more for it to be really obvious I guess. When I think about how heavy I was - I totally gross myself out. It should never have gotten that way. Poor Royce.

I can still hear Karl doing his perfect impression of Michael Jackson. He used to sound EXACTLY like him, believe it or not. I've had "Hey Baby Baby with the high heels on........" in my head for the last few days. Great song.

Steph, Nikki and Heather, I wish you all could be with me on St. Patrick's 2010.