Get to work with Darcy tonight......Yay!!!
(And most of the 14)
Friday, November 30, 2007
The 14 Nights of Christmas
Tonight I am starting a 14 night stretch of work. 2 weeks straight. Will make for a nice Christmas paycheck on the 21st. And I went exempt. Cha Ching.
Got some sleep.
It rained all day today.
I love that.
Got some sleep.
It rained all day today.
I love that.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Black
Hair is black.
Again.
Black on the inside too.
Again.
I hate my body.
Hate my hormones.
Hate my period.
Hate who I am becoming.
I know it is chemical. I know it has a name. I know it happens to alot of women. None of these things make it any better. I've been doing things to fix it, medications, recommendations, but apparently not enough. I can almost feel the dip in chemical in my body. This is supposed to happen 20 years from now. Not now. I'm supposed to be in my prime.
Having really bad dreams. Vivid. Graphic. (Thats the word I was trying to think of Royce - graphic). About death. And bodies. And dead flesh. And dead people. I've had two in the last few days. Very disturbing. This can't be normal. I almost don't want to sleep.
The first one was disturbing on so many levels. I was at my old church, the Baptist one. Pastor Larry was there. And he was doing some kind of presentation - for my benefit. I don't believe anyone else was in the church. And it seemed he was in the balcony. There were huge dead body parts of animals hanging from the ceiling, like in a meat freezer. Huge pieces. Lots of them. And he was acting out a scene - where he wanted to embrace, or save, or somehow help these dead pieces of meat, but was being pulled away from them by some force. He was laying on the ground in front of them, desperately reaching for them, clawing the ground, but slowly being pulled away from them. And this display was for me to see. I knew the pieces of dead meat represented me. He was trying to get to me. I immediately felt that panic, of not being "saved" anymore. Of turning my back. Of going to the "Dark Side." And I felt this huge conflict. Like being torn apart. Not wanting to go back. But sheer fear and panic. I think it even woke me up. That was a few days ago.
The second one was last night. In the dream me and Sydney and Lyndsey were hiking in a forest. We came upon a higher place in the forest, and an opening. We saw vehicles and a lot of chaos and noise. There was a huge bus/truck that was tipped on its side. Rescue people were already there. We went to see if we could help. We walked to a part of the bus where passengers were, and they were hanging from their seatbelts. The one closest to us was a young girl, maybe 16. Blond hair. Motionless. And two friends next to her, a male and a female. They were suspended in their seats above us. The rescue workers were moving very calmly. I said, "There's one" and pointed to the girl. The worker said, "Oh, she's already dead." I looked at her, and so did my girls. Her face was puffy, and bloody, and she started drooling, and her mouth started moving silently. I thought she was alive. The worker said again, "No, she's dead. They're all dead." And she just hung there. Dead. Then the workers started to rip part of the seat apart, and I thought it was because they were trying to rescue the other two, but there was a little white dog under the seat, and it was alive, and they were trying to get it out. And then they got it and it was fine. We walked away, me holding the little dog, all of us just looking at everything. There were others that were alive. A man with a huge laceration on his head, but he was ok. We helped out. And we adopted the dog, and another one whose owner had died. We found out that the other two people hanging there were Josh and Tina, friends of Royce's. And now we had their little doggie. And then it morphed into another cloudy dream.
I don't like these dreams. And I don't know why I am having them.
I just need some peaceful sleep. Maybe in the morning.
Again.
Black on the inside too.
Again.
I hate my body.
Hate my hormones.
Hate my period.
Hate who I am becoming.
I know it is chemical. I know it has a name. I know it happens to alot of women. None of these things make it any better. I've been doing things to fix it, medications, recommendations, but apparently not enough. I can almost feel the dip in chemical in my body. This is supposed to happen 20 years from now. Not now. I'm supposed to be in my prime.
Having really bad dreams. Vivid. Graphic. (Thats the word I was trying to think of Royce - graphic). About death. And bodies. And dead flesh. And dead people. I've had two in the last few days. Very disturbing. This can't be normal. I almost don't want to sleep.
The first one was disturbing on so many levels. I was at my old church, the Baptist one. Pastor Larry was there. And he was doing some kind of presentation - for my benefit. I don't believe anyone else was in the church. And it seemed he was in the balcony. There were huge dead body parts of animals hanging from the ceiling, like in a meat freezer. Huge pieces. Lots of them. And he was acting out a scene - where he wanted to embrace, or save, or somehow help these dead pieces of meat, but was being pulled away from them by some force. He was laying on the ground in front of them, desperately reaching for them, clawing the ground, but slowly being pulled away from them. And this display was for me to see. I knew the pieces of dead meat represented me. He was trying to get to me. I immediately felt that panic, of not being "saved" anymore. Of turning my back. Of going to the "Dark Side." And I felt this huge conflict. Like being torn apart. Not wanting to go back. But sheer fear and panic. I think it even woke me up. That was a few days ago.
The second one was last night. In the dream me and Sydney and Lyndsey were hiking in a forest. We came upon a higher place in the forest, and an opening. We saw vehicles and a lot of chaos and noise. There was a huge bus/truck that was tipped on its side. Rescue people were already there. We went to see if we could help. We walked to a part of the bus where passengers were, and they were hanging from their seatbelts. The one closest to us was a young girl, maybe 16. Blond hair. Motionless. And two friends next to her, a male and a female. They were suspended in their seats above us. The rescue workers were moving very calmly. I said, "There's one" and pointed to the girl. The worker said, "Oh, she's already dead." I looked at her, and so did my girls. Her face was puffy, and bloody, and she started drooling, and her mouth started moving silently. I thought she was alive. The worker said again, "No, she's dead. They're all dead." And she just hung there. Dead. Then the workers started to rip part of the seat apart, and I thought it was because they were trying to rescue the other two, but there was a little white dog under the seat, and it was alive, and they were trying to get it out. And then they got it and it was fine. We walked away, me holding the little dog, all of us just looking at everything. There were others that were alive. A man with a huge laceration on his head, but he was ok. We helped out. And we adopted the dog, and another one whose owner had died. We found out that the other two people hanging there were Josh and Tina, friends of Royce's. And now we had their little doggie. And then it morphed into another cloudy dream.
I don't like these dreams. And I don't know why I am having them.
I just need some peaceful sleep. Maybe in the morning.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Thanks
Happy Thanksgiving !!!
What I Am Thankful For:
Rain
A car that works
The way my dog sleeps under the covers with me
Being married to someone I really love
A good job
The ocean
Being divorced from someone I really don't love
My bed after a 12 hour nightshift
Old Friends
That I got to say goodbye to my Dad
My house
Royce's arms and Royce's eyes
New friends
For 3 beautiful children from a bad marriage
That I got pregnant and stayed pregnant
That I have a child with my soulmate
Spa pedicures
That my tubes are tied
Being forgiven
That I got to take care of Anne 5 Thanksgivings ago
Cloudy days
NyQuil
That I went to nursing school
Second chances
That I was adopted
That I found my other family
A properly made long island ice tea
A new belief system
The freedom to have a new belief system
Strip clubs
Pool halls
Tantric sex and mind blowing orgasms
Phoenix sunsets
A working washer and dryer
Comfortable shoes
Insurance
That I get to sleep through Thanksgiving
Yesterday I took my mom to the grocery store. Everyone around me is overflowing their carts with pies and turkeys and food. I'm thinking about how I don't like being around my family at Thanksgiving, how I'm glad I don't have to eat with them, how I hate Thanksgiving in general, how tired I am from staying up at work all night, how my feet hurt, how I can't wait to get to my bed, how I really don't feel like grocery shopping for my kids right now and dread making lunches when I get home in a few.
And then I see her.
She is about 50. Dirty hair under a dirty hat. She is walking through the store in socks. Her clothes are dirty too. Her hands are old. Her face is tired. She is clutching a few items in her arms. When I get behind her at the register I see that her few items are a 3 pack of women's underwear, toothpaste, and a little bottle of hand sanitizer. She pays with change.
And I'm thankful I have a job to be tired from.
That I have kids to shop for.
That I have family, even though we don't see eye to eye.
That I'm invited to dinner.
That I have shoes.
That I have a bed.
That I need to make little lunches.
That I'm not alone.
And that I saw her .............And then saw what I really have.
I gave her $30.
She said "Thank You."
I should have thanked her.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Ancram Garden
I found a wonderful little blog and I'm going to post it in My Favorite Spots so you all can go there. Its called Ancram Garden. I was just browsing and found it. Its a blog of pictures of someone's garden. It looks like its on the east coast maybe. It is beautiful. One of those places I can think about when I need peace. Just wanted to share.
Here is the site:
www.ancramgarden.blogspot.com
Here is the site:
www.ancramgarden.blogspot.com
My Sleepy Thanksgiving
So apparently it looks like the unit I am working on may not stay open. I hate this. I found a place, after County, that I am really happy at, and I may have to leave - again. It is a beautiful little unit, it just isn't busy enough. No patients. I don't know if its because of poor marketing, or what, but it just is not thriving. So we are all starting to talk about our options and where we may go. My immediate manager called tonight and is looking at taking a manager position at another Valley hospital let us know that she mentioned our names as possible hires. So its good to know I may have an offer before I even leave. But I don't want to leave. I am considering working a different unit in this hospital. Not OB. So we will see. Hopefully it will stay open through the holidays.
Sydney had her birthday on the 17th. I still need to post pictures. I'm working 5 in a row so I probably won't until I am off. But she had a really nice birthday. Happy Birthday Syd !!!
Last night Royce and Sydney and Cheyenne were in a car accident, and I am very thankful that they are all ok. Syd had to go to the ER to make sure she was ok, she twisted her neck a little, and she got to stay home from school today. Royce was on his way to visit me with the kids at work, was going through the intersection of Mill and Washington, and some guy was going the opposite direction, was making a U turn, and U turned right into him in the middle of the intersection. And it was in my mom's car. It was the other guy's fault, he got cited, and everyone has insurance, but now my mom doesn't have a car. So now we are dealing with the stress of getting through this. Royce feels responsible cause he was driving, I feel responsible because he is my husband, and the whole situation is pretty much fucked up. If they pay her for the car it will never be enough to buy a new one. She is really upset. I feel really bad about the whole thing. And not sure what to do.
So, more than ever this year, I am so glad I am working Thanksgiving. I will be working Thanksgiving Eve night, and Thanksgiving night. Even before the accident I did not want to sit around the table with people I would normally avoid and play the Holiday nice-nice bullshit game. I'd rather go out to eat with Royce where someone I don't know makes the food and cleans it up. So this year I don't need an excuse. I'll be sleeping. And I'm going to make sure I take enough NyQuil so NOTHING wakes me up. Now with the accident, that I'm sure everyone in the family is mad at us for, that we feel bad enough about, there is no way I want to have dinner with these people. Don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna deal with it.
What I am thankful for this year: That I will be sleeping in a NyQuil coma through Thanksgiving dinner.
Sydney had her birthday on the 17th. I still need to post pictures. I'm working 5 in a row so I probably won't until I am off. But she had a really nice birthday. Happy Birthday Syd !!!
Last night Royce and Sydney and Cheyenne were in a car accident, and I am very thankful that they are all ok. Syd had to go to the ER to make sure she was ok, she twisted her neck a little, and she got to stay home from school today. Royce was on his way to visit me with the kids at work, was going through the intersection of Mill and Washington, and some guy was going the opposite direction, was making a U turn, and U turned right into him in the middle of the intersection. And it was in my mom's car. It was the other guy's fault, he got cited, and everyone has insurance, but now my mom doesn't have a car. So now we are dealing with the stress of getting through this. Royce feels responsible cause he was driving, I feel responsible because he is my husband, and the whole situation is pretty much fucked up. If they pay her for the car it will never be enough to buy a new one. She is really upset. I feel really bad about the whole thing. And not sure what to do.
So, more than ever this year, I am so glad I am working Thanksgiving. I will be working Thanksgiving Eve night, and Thanksgiving night. Even before the accident I did not want to sit around the table with people I would normally avoid and play the Holiday nice-nice bullshit game. I'd rather go out to eat with Royce where someone I don't know makes the food and cleans it up. So this year I don't need an excuse. I'll be sleeping. And I'm going to make sure I take enough NyQuil so NOTHING wakes me up. Now with the accident, that I'm sure everyone in the family is mad at us for, that we feel bad enough about, there is no way I want to have dinner with these people. Don't wanna talk about it, don't wanna deal with it.
What I am thankful for this year: That I will be sleeping in a NyQuil coma through Thanksgiving dinner.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
P.F. Chang's
175 this morning. So I am down 9 pounds from the first of November. I want to be at least 170 by the last day of November.
I told my friend Portia that I would run the P.F. Chang's half marathon with her in Tempe on January 11. I have 2 months to train. I started running 2 days ago. Did a mile the first day, and almost a mile the next day, only cause I was hung over. Today I am going to try and do a mile and a half. Doing this marathon means I will have to run alot and drink alot less. But I want to do it. We found a nice place to run, and Royce goes with me.
I got a new ticker. A little woman running on the beach. Like it?
Feeling a little less fat.
Off to run my mile and a half.
I told my friend Portia that I would run the P.F. Chang's half marathon with her in Tempe on January 11. I have 2 months to train. I started running 2 days ago. Did a mile the first day, and almost a mile the next day, only cause I was hung over. Today I am going to try and do a mile and a half. Doing this marathon means I will have to run alot and drink alot less. But I want to do it. We found a nice place to run, and Royce goes with me.
I got a new ticker. A little woman running on the beach. Like it?
Feeling a little less fat.
Off to run my mile and a half.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
FAT
Like I said, I keep bouncing with my weight, and also with my weight loss plan. But I know I've got to do something. I was going to do no-carb. And I did for a few days. For some reason this time I am just having a hard time sticking with it. No self control I guess. I think I'm just really undisciplined. So I think I'm just going to take a really hard ass approach. Until I lose about 20 pounds, I'm just really going to crack down, crash dieting/starving, and working my ass off. I know, I know, I don't want any flack for this. I know the ramifications, but I have to do something. I just have to get in the right mind set. Then I'll reevaluate how I want to do it. After 20 pounds. When I hit 160. I'm going to go for a bike ride right now. It is cloudy and beautiful and wonderful here today, and I plan on spending most of my daylight outdoors. I just really have to do this. I hope it rains.
On a different note, I just bought 2 books. "The Story of O", and "The Claiming of Sleeping Beauty." Both at the recommendation of my good friend Jenn. At one time I had started "Sleeping Beauty", and I couldn't get through it. I got through like a chapter and a half. I liked it very much when I was reading it, but afterward it did weird things in my head, I know because of past experiences, being raped (God, I don't think I've ever publicly stated that, wow), and some physical abuse issues. But I think I'm at a point where I can and want to read it. I guess that means progress, huh? They are very intense erotica. "Sleeping Beauty" is written by Anne Rice, and her sexuality is as dark as her evil. Very intense. And the other one is a classic from the 1950's. Kind of a cult classic. I am excited (no pun intended) about reading them.
And I have a new one on my list. You know, "The" List. Everyone has one. Just had to make mention. And a picture. And in the process of finding him I found one for Royce too. They are both on the show "Numb3rs", how convenient is that, both on the same show. Now I don't watch very much television, I barely even know what shows are on. But at work the other night Darcy brought in a whole season of Numb3rs on DVD. She said I would love it. And you know what, she was right. I do. It makes me feel really stupid though, all that math and statistics and theories, I don't even know what they are talking about. Its like Jeopardy with beautiful people and a plot. I feel like I should have learned these things, like the normal person at least has heard of them. And I am totally lost in the "scientific" part of the show. So I sit, and enjoy the eye candy. and I like the plots, as much of them as I can understand.
Presenting.............Mr. DYLAN BRUNO
He is so beautiful.
I just want to squeeze his biceps.
Among other things.
And the lovely .............. NAVI RAWAT
I saw her for about 5 seconds and new she was one of Royce's girls.She is very very pretty. Quite lovely. (And the little bitch doesn't even wear makeup). She's a very good little actress.
Off to ride my bike. Off to burn nasty fat. When I hit 160 I am going to reward myself by piercing my tongue again. This time I'm leaving it it. (And I lost 8 pounds last time, I couldn't eat for like 4 days). Darcy's daughter, Kelsey, owns HALO piercing here in Phoenix. Darcy said she would even go with me. (I'll have to write about Darcy sometime.) So I am going to have Kelsey do it for me. I want one on the back of my neck too. And one of the new subdermal ones on my arm.
Off to burn my ass off.
Friday, November 09, 2007
Vacation Pictures
I finally got our pictures uploaded of when we went to California.
The vacation started off with Lyndsey's birthday at Rain Forest Cafe. She is 9.
Happy birthday Lynds!!!!!
The vacation started off with Lyndsey's birthday at Rain Forest Cafe. She is 9.
Happy birthday Lynds!!!!!
Royce and his best friend Pat.
Sweet Ry Ry.
Birthday Cake.
Royce and Pat again. 
After her birthday dinner we hit the road. Tyler went to dinner with us, but didn't want to go to Cali. So he stayed with a friend.
Here is a cat we saw at a gas station on the way.
Chilling in the hotel in La Mesa. Early early am.
Ryan and Dad.
Lyndsey and Cheyenne being silly at like 4 am. 
At Sea World the next day.
Shamu, my favorite thing at Sea World.
The kids had to sit in the Soak Zone. I chose to stay dry.
Best Friends.
Lunch at the Shipwreck Cafe. 
Touching Sea Stars. 
Seymour and Clyde.
On the SkyRide.
I was very scared on this one. It looks like Ryan was too.
The bay from the SkyRide. 
The girls are just growing up too fast. 
Tebs had to stay in "jail" while we were having fun.
This is how we smuggled Tebs into the "No Dogs Allowed" hotel rooms. 
At Sea World the next day.
Shamu, my favorite thing at Sea World.
The kids had to sit in the Soak Zone. I chose to stay dry.
Best Friends.
Lunch at the Shipwreck Cafe. 
Touching Sea Stars. Cheyenne's favorite part.
Seymour and Clyde.
On the SkyRide.
I was very scared on this one. It looks like Ryan was too.
The bay from the SkyRide. 
The girls are just growing up too fast. Don't they look old here?
And so pretty.
They weren't scared at all of the ride, and were laughing at me.
Tebs had to stay in "jail" while we were having fun.
This is how we smuggled Tebs into the "No Dogs Allowed" hotel rooms. Very sneaky.
Cane Vanderhoof's winery in Temecula.
Syd took this picture.
Driving around in Carpinteria.
Driving around in Santa Barbara.
A dog eating shark.
An awesome tree in the park in Santa Barbara.
The Santa Barbara Brewery.
Mommy and Shi Shi.
Then we went to the ocean. 
Shi Shi and Daddy. 
I love this beach. 
In the car.
Royce wanted to show me Solvang. A very cool little Danish town. 
Downtown Solvang.
Ryan and Cheyenne waiting while Mommy is shopping. 
Back to my new favorite place, Carpinteria.
"Hold me Dad!"
Outside the brewery in Carpinteria.
The view of the patio from the restaurant in the hotel.
Dinner at the restaurant in the hotel.
Pictures the kids drew during dinner.
Our hotel in Carpinteria.
The fountain outside our patio door.
Getting ready in the morning to leave and go back to Sea World.
Our hotel room from the patio.
The courtyard outside our patio at the hotel.
Cool apartment building on Pacific Coast Hwy in Malibu.
Syd and her doggie.
Sweet Ryan.
We went back to Sea World with our 2 day pass.
The kids by the Anheuser Busch clydesdales. .
"Pets Rule" Stage
Syd took this picture.
Driving around in Carpinteria.
Driving around in Santa Barbara.
A dog eating shark.
An awesome tree in the park in Santa Barbara.
The Santa Barbara Brewery.
Mommy and Shi Shi.
Then we went to the ocean. Cheyenne was very scared of the waves.
This was when she finally was brave enough to touch them.
Shi Shi and Daddy. 
I love this beach. 
In the car.
Royce wanted to show me Solvang. A very cool little Danish town. Here is a windmill.
Downtown Solvang.
Ryan and Cheyenne waiting while Mommy is shopping. Still in Solvang.
Back to my new favorite place, Carpinteria.
"Hold me Dad!"
Outside the brewery in Carpinteria.
The view of the patio from the restaurant in the hotel. 
Dinner at the restaurant in the hotel.
Pictures the kids drew during dinner.
Our hotel in Carpinteria.
The fountain outside our patio door.
Getting ready in the morning to leave and go back to Sea World.
Our hotel room from the patio.
The courtyard outside our patio at the hotel.
Cool apartment building on Pacific Coast Hwy in Malibu.
Syd and her doggie.
Sweet Ryan.
We went back to Sea World with our 2 day pass.The kids by the Anheuser Busch clydesdales. .
"Pets Rule" Stage
Cheyenne and the walrus.
Lyndsey and Sydney with a walrus.
Lyndsey and Sydney with a walrus. 
We spent about 5 days there. We all had alot of fun. I know in my heart that someday we will live there, I just don't know how soon. Just wanted to share the pictures with all of you out there. Now I have to get my Halloween pictures on.
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