Life or Something Like It

I Hope You Dance

2012-01-26T05:07:00.001-07:00

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean"

These are lyrics in the song I Hope You Dance by Lee Ann Womack. This song has always made me think of my kids. Usually makes me cry.

On Monday, if everything goes to plan, Tyler will be leaving - officially (kind of) leaving the nest. He will go to California to start his internship. He finished his music recording program last week. He is leaving me. But not too far. And he will be by the ocean.

"I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance"

When Tyler started last year at the Conservatory his dad let him know how stupid it was. How it was a horrible educational decision. How it was bad. But Tyler knew what he wanted and he made it happen. Throughout this whole year at the school negative comments have been made. But Tyler just ignored them. I'm sure they hurt and pissed him off. But he quietly just kept going. That's my boy. Just last month Kirk said to me "if Tyler goes over to California he will do nothing but fail miserably." I think he's just jealous. Royce and Syd and Lynds and Ryan and Cheyenne and me have all encouraged him the whole time. We think its wonderful and all have faith in him. Alot.

"Never settle for the path of least resistance"

When Tyler was barely in high school, I showed him the Conservatory. He blossomed mentally, physically, introspectively, and musically in high school, and when it was over he decided he was going to the Conservatory no matter what. And he did.

"Livin' might mean takin' chances, but they're worth takin'"

I have to work every night this week if I'm going to get him there. I hope to not have to work Sunday night so I can spend that last night home with him. I'm the only one helping him. My mom cosigned the school loan, and has been helping with it. But no one is helping him get to his internship but me. I just hope I don't get cancelled.

"Lovin' might be a mistake, but it's worth makin'"

He has a few shirts, a few pants, nothing really nice, a couple pair of shoes, some personal things, his girlfriend, and her car.

I'm sure I will be working extra shifts and will get very well acquainted with Western Union.

"Don't let some Hellbent heart leave you bitter"

I recently asked his grandfather in Iowa, Kirk's dad for help. Kirk has done nothing to help the kids ever,except the occasional trip to the store, and the forced child support that stopped when he quit working last year. He especially hasn't helped Tyler with school. His father, who has always had money, very politely put me in my place and declined. What can you expect from a Human Resources manager? And what else can you expect from someone who never helped HIS own children? What was I thinking?
Its ok Tom. We can do it without you. I carry his letter in my purse with me at all times. I'll probably frame it someday.

And I still remember Mr. Claus's words. All of them.

I guess he was right. Tyler did very well in public school.

"Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance"

I've been so busy trying to find a way to get Tyler there and focusing and stressing about it, that when I stop and think - I realize my baby is leaving. That in a few days he will be gone. It will be phone calls when I am lucky. And lots of worry. It hasn't hit me yet. I'm so sad and excited at the same time.

I think of Crush the Sea Turtle in Finding Nemo.
Marlin: How do you know if they're ready?
Crush: Well, you never really know, but when they know, you know, y'know?

I love you Tyler. I have so much faith in you. If anyone can do it its you. And if things don't all go to plan - I'm deliriously proud of you for trying. And I will always, always be here for you. Cheering you on. Out of all the things I've done wrong, I must have done something right, right???

(Tell me who wants to look back on their years and wonder, where those years have gone?)

Go ahead Tyler. Do what I didn't. I know you can.

"And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance"

From Dusk Till Dawn

2012-01-16T05:56:00.001-07:00

Work is so weird.

You have those nights you do the job of 10 people, the work of 24 hours crammed into 12 - ok 13 or 14 when you actually clock out.

And then there are those nights - those other nights.

Lots of time to think.

And the thinking done between 3 and 5 am is a whole different kind of thinking.

Only nightshifters know this.

Photograph

2011-10-12T01:05:00.003-07:00

Been thinking alot lately - especially since my birthday, and Sept. 27th.

I'm a little shocked at how much I've changed in two weeks.

Starting to get a little angry. I wish I could just get to that phase and be done with it.

Royce has been very kind through all of this. It helps alot. It's weird how it has made me look at him, and he look at me. If that's the good I get out of it - I'll take it.

The weight is getting lighter. A little everyday.

It's funny, I was on Facebook - went to Michael S's page. My sister P sent a whole bunch of pictures from highschool that he posted. And you know - I wasn't in one of them. It's like I never went to school there. Lots of pictures of the "it" people. Some of my closest friends like Nikki and Cathy. Not one of me. I know P is barely my sister anymore, which I probably deserve. So I shouldn't expect any different. But not one. It just made me feel invisible. Kinda sad.

We have both said mean hateful things to each other. A few months ago I apologized to her for what happened that day. I told her I was wrong and I was sorry. And I meant it. I know I've been known to hold a grudge before - just a few times ;) - but isn't forgiveness a vital part of her belief system? Don't they believe that if Jesus didn't forgive them they would have nothing? I will never understand why you would choose to be part of a group of people, choose a belief system and then not practice what you supposedly believe. For that much - even KNOW what you believe. It's amazing to me. I will never get it. And never want to be part of it again. I will never ever go back.

I was looking at those pictures. Took me right back to high school. It's not much different though than when the pictures were taken - I always just "looked" at those people from afar. Was never part of the group. I forget how bad it made me feel.

Are things different today? I know I'm different. Are they different? Would David or Tricia or Nora or Sara or Steve or any of them talk to me today? Be nice? Act like I was even there?

Well, I am here. And I like me for the most part. They only affect my life as much as I allow them. And I forget about them soon after I started my day and went about. But it made me think.

And Susan - you were the Queen of them all. But you were always nice to me. And now we are friends. Maybe they would talk to me. You do :). I always wanted to be you - but now I know why they all loved you.

I will be ok.

I'm making it an opportunity to change my perspective.

But still crying. And waking up to horrible feelings. When do those end? Do they end?

And the whole high school thing - makes me so thankful for the people who do love me. I honestly don't feel worthy of them.

Susan and Cathy - you two made my birthday. I laughed so hard - and cried so hard.

And Nikki - you are still and will always be my rock.

2011-10-01T17:32:00.000-07:00

Numb without chemicals.
New experience.

Adam

2011-09-30T22:40:00.003-07:00

Adam Rumsey.
My senior year he was a sophomore.
He was beautiful.
So beautiful.
I tried so hard to date him, but he just wasn't interested.
I knew he was cousins with Susan.
I also knew he was adopted like me.
I remember at Bible Camp he and I walked down to the horse corral all by ourselves, and had a long conversation about being adopted. I remember him talking about really wanting a daughter, when he grew up. I think he even had a name picked out.
I remember sitting under the pines.
In the barn.
He was beautiful.

I recently asked Susan about him.

He died in a car accident a few years ago.

Carpe Diem.

2 nights ago very hard. Numb. But I'm sure it ugly head will surface.

R.I.P. Beautiful Adam.

2011-09-23T13:19:00.003-07:00

I'll never be the good girl - don't know why anyone expects it. It should be clear by now. More educated, more controlled, more ok - but never good. It's me - what do they want? A fucking brain transplant?
Starting to love me - for the first time.
Floating - flying a little.
:)

Floating

2011-09-20T01:42:00.002-07:00

Hi everyone.
If there's anyone out there.
I said I was back.
It's a slower process than I thought.
I think things are changing.
If I can just stay on track.
Have strayed a little.
Straying less and less.
I think I finally have found an answer to my own tiger's blood and Adonis DNA.
Lamictal is changing my life.
Tried lithium.
The old standby.
Spent 2 nights in the cukkoo house for it.
Worked, but made me so sick.
I was so frustrated.
Thought nothing could help me.
Cried alot.
I guess that's why you get a real honest to goodness shrink.
12 years of studying crazy people and a lisence to prescribe I guess sometimes actually create answers for other people. For us Rockstars from Mars.
I'm laughing alot.
But can still cry.
I'm not a zombie.
But I'm not a fucking psychotic bitch either.
I still feel.
But how shall I say it ...........
Float intead of drowning or flying.
I've racked up alot of frequent flyer miles on GodIveMadeAnotherMess airlines.
Had alot of luck.
Had an angel, or goddess, or something forcefielding me like Violet did in The Incredibles.
Lots of repercussions that never saw morning.
Very lucky.
Floating.
Finally floating.
Not perfect yet.
But do I want to be????
Somewhere between Eminen and Glinda the good Witch of the North.
The 30s were rough.
I think the 40s will be different.
Missouri was the last hurrah.
The last rock bottom.
I hope.
Still picking up pieces of undiagnosed chaos - years to pick up pieces from choices I didn't even understand.
I lost and killed so much at my own hands.
Either with an empty bottle of Jager, or my forked tongue.
So many things. Lost. Eliminated.
It's hard to put warped pieces back together and make something recognizable, much less pretty.
But as Charlie Sheen said tonight - I'm so lucky - after all the stuff that I did, I still have a family that loves me.
Well, at least the ones that count.
Don't get me wrong - I have not turned into anything close to sweet.
Stewie and Brian are still my heroes, the Kardashians still make me wanna puke, Tosh makes me laugh so hard I cry, and I still like dogs more than most people I know.
I still see the world through fucked up, sarcastic, cynical glasses.
Lots of faith lost forever.
But am getting glimpses of .......
Of........
Of........
Hope? Faith? Humanity worth reaching to, worth watching?
Could it be?
Me?
And the nightmares have released me - for a little while.
Probably my least favorite symptom of being bipopular.
The dreams.
I dreaded going to sleep.
And now - peace during sleep.
So far, the Lamictal is saving me.
I should have listened to you Sarah. 2 years ago.
I miss you.
I think I'm not just back.
But finally floating.

2011-08-12T16:38:00.002-07:00

I'm back.
It's been a rough summer.
I'm determined to change things.
Even if this is just a diary for me,
I think it will be good for me.
Went to Dr. P today.
Going to start lamictal -
but can't afford it yet.
Just been busy taking kids to school,
getting to work.
Allendance an issue again.
That will go away.
Very hard to stay up.
So many reasons.
But I'm strong.

Graduation

2011-05-27T15:23:00.002-07:00

Tyler is graduating from high school tonight.

I'm very proud. And sad. And hopeful.

I'm stuck on watching that trial.

Just want to hug all my kids.

Congratulations Tyler. I'm very proud ou you.

I love you :))))))))))

2011-04-25T12:34:00.002-07:00

Yeah, want to write more, but writing from my phone. Dealing with domestic issues and stuipid military Bush issues. I know, hard to stop talking. Promise to write more. Ambien and Klonopin beckon though.

Coming to take me Away - Haa Haa

2011-03-18T09:21:00.003-07:00

Going to to doctor, well actually nurse practitioner, in like an hour. Trying meds again.

Don't want to, but I'm not ok. I'm anticipating lithium. My work has been gracious enough to give me a few vacations days to see how I do when I first start.

I'm crying alot. Getting to work is hell - but when I get there I'm ok. And it never seems to affect my jugdement or work mindset, just allbthe other times. Crying. Stressing. Irritable. Not able to take care of myself - and therefore no one else. And I'm a nurse. I need to take care of me at least as well as I would take care of a patient.

Royce said the other day, "Pick a mood and stay in it." and it hit me, I may not be capable of doing that. On my own.

I'm a nurse, and a bad patient, but I know I need help right now. I think I will be a better wife and mom and self with lithium. I hate the truth, but am accepting it. The challenge will be to find a good psychiatrist to regulate everything. I HATED my last one. That's probably why I've been flying solo for a year and a half.

If I don't fix things, I'm going to lose my marriage, and my job, and hurt my kids.

I hate being the patient.

2011-03-16T09:40:00.003-07:00

I've just been glued to the tv watching the events in Japan. I just can't quit watching. It's very frustrating to me when I don't understand all of the talk and implications regarding the nuclear reactors. I just know it's bad. Royce tried to basically explain it to me, but I was under the impression that it wad going to explode like when we dropped the bombs in Nagasaki and Heroshima. But I'm understanding that the threat is of radioactive exposure. So I'm learning. It's so hard and yet fascinating to just watch that tsunami literally swallow everything in it's path. And thar whirlpool a few days ago was just wild - with that ship in it.

I love Charlie Sheen and all - but all that's a little boring since the 11th.

And I want to know why the U.N. isn't helping the Libyans? Not enough financial motivation? Or am I simplifying it too much? I really wish I was smarter sometimes. I don't understand alot.

Meanwhile, back on the ranch - it's spring break for the older kids, so lots of lounging. I have lost a few pounds lately, down to 185. Am going to start walking today. Ryan had his special ed meeting/update Monday. Overall he is doing better, and will be getting 45 min a day one on one. This is good. Taxes are done - yay.

Going to try and post more often.

Little Red Shoes

2011-03-03T09:54:00.004-07:00

What I would give for a pair of those right now.

When Dorothy was in Oz, all she wanted was to go home - not realizing it was a dream and that she was already there. Clicking over and over, those pretty red shoes, hoping they would transport her back to where she belonged - all the while asleep in her very own bed.

There's no place like home.

Our house supposedly goes up for auction today. For some ridiculously low, foreclosed, fixerupper price. Who knows, it's not like I can bid on it.

Yesterday we went in there to get some stuff. I can't believe the stuff I left behind. I must have just high-tailed it out of there a year ago like a convenience store robber.

Syd and I had a very bad day yesterday. Lots of crying. Lots of regret and guilt. It's so weird to go into your old place, your old space, and see that someone blatantly and recklessly went through all your stuff. And knowing that it will be someone elses place. Maybe someone will buy it and rent it out. To us.

Regardless I have to move on. Have to stop crying. Have to go to work - have to keep on keepin on. For everyone.

***Update***. Ryan and Cheyenne got into the school I wanted. :)
They are loving it. They get free breakfast and lunch, there are swings, Ryan is doing better slowly, and next week we have a meeting about his goals and a plan for him. Change is good sometimes.

Maybe I just need to wake up and realize I really do have all I need, that I've just been sleeping, and haven't seen "home" even though i'm "asleep in my own bed." I have my beautiful hilarious wonderful family, my great husband, and I still have me. Maybe I just need to realize that home stays even when scenery changes.

In that case I'm home.

But good-bye and good-luck to our little 420.
And good luck to all the little ghosts trapped inside. Maybe someday they will be free.

Time to take a nappy nap in Cheynesta's bed before work tonight. And snuggle with my kitties.

It will be easier after today.

Spanish 101

2011-02-02T09:20:00.002-07:00

When your basic belief start bending, it's weird. That's where I am right now. Feeling a little guilty for some of the thoughts going through my head, but at the same time getting more pissed and therfore justifying those thoughts.

I've had to withdraw Ryan from his little charter school because he needs services that a charter school can't provide. Cheyenne wants to go wherever he goes. Fair enough. 1st and 2nd graders. The two public schools closest to me suck. Trust me on this one. We are allowed to go out of district, so I found a beautiful little school in Tempe. Too full. So I bit the bullet and found a school in my district, not the closest one, but just down the street. I like it alot better. So I fill out all the paperwork - and there's STILL a question of there not being enough room. My only choice may be the ghetto one.

Why is this? Why are the schools overcrowded? Not room for my kids? I'll tell you why. Because they are jam packed full and infested with illegal Mexican kids. So basically, even though every paycheck I see taxes taken out, which is what funds the school system, pays the teachers, pays the bills - my kids can't go to a nice school cause all the little Juans and Marias are sitting in those classrooms and mommy and daddy pay nothing to contribute. I'm starting to get pissed. People who have no legal right here, who don't contribute to any taxes, who are breaking the law by even being here, and even though they get free education still won't bother to speak English - yeah, those peoples kids are overcrowding the classrooms, and my kids can't go.

And check this out - in the enrollment paperwork there was a whole paper just to reassure any illegal filling it out not to worry - their immigration status would not be checked if they provided any information.

HORSESHIT.

Fucking Blockbuster and Red Box will hunt you down if you don't return a video. The IRS sure found me when I owed money. What the fuck?

I've never believed in hating anyone for the color of their skin. But their actions - now that's a different ball game. Their actions are preventing my kids from being in a nice place.

I'm starting to hate them.

Things I Learned Today

2011-01-27T10:07:00.003-07:00

-That bisquits only taste really good with 2 pats of butter on each half

-That god made pigs just so I could have bacon

-That I love my old bartender at my new bar

-That opiate withdrawal camoflauges well as my 18 year old with Valley Fever and a real fracture - hence a whole new set of glasses

-That I hate that electric voice thing artists do to sound good - but hate fucking hate myself more for dancing to it :)

-That you don't have to care to be professional or "compassionate"

-That I miss Fred - Chopin that is

-That I can't sleep when I'm worried about a patient - even when I don't "care"

-That I know I will off myself before I become a burden

-That I'm going to Salem in a year with my bestest friend

Steven's judging again tonight.

-That Reilly really needs be be discharged

-That a cold white Russian still warms my heart

-That MY 6 year old can play by ear - who woulda thought?

-That a bad night and a bottle of Tylenol can do what it takes a good alcoholic to do in 25 years

-And that life is precious and miraculous - and forgiving

Waiting to watch my Baby

Nurse Ratchett

2011-01-03T11:53:00.004-07:00

Posting from the bathtub. I love days off.

I came to a conclusion the other night at work. Now for all you "normal" people out there who have never taken care of more than a goldfish or for you "nurses" out there who work part-time in some doctor's office, who give a flu-shot, take a blood pressure and call it a day, and think we do the same job - this doesn't apply to you. I came to the conclusion that taking care of people, really taking care of them, makes you mean. And all of my co-worker's agreed with me. The monotony of every time you come to work you know you are going to have to deal with listening to some crazy ass patient scream all night (and I kid you not, 10 out of the twelve hours, cause their family who dumped them off at the hospital cause THEY don't want to listen to it anymore, won't "allow" you to medicate them at all - even when it's in their best interest ( I mean people, hell AMIMALS don't make noises like that unless they are in distress. I already told my kids that if I ever get like that to kiss Mommy goodbye and gently put a pillow over my face. And listening to that patient scream non-stop for 3 weeks. Every god damned shift. Or the bat shit crazy pain med addict who is on the call light every 2 hours for her 4 mg of that "D" drug - what is it? Demerdildo? Diloodid? - yeah, Dilaudid (aka synthetic heroin, yes we give it out like candy) - to treat her chronic pain and fibromyalgia. Being yelled at her every two hours cause you weren't in her room with a syringe in hand the minute she is allowed to have more. Or the constant cleaning up of shit - the wiping ass. Constant. Changing diapers and claning up poo from anyone over 12 pounds that hasn't pushed themselves through your vagina gets old - it drains you - it makes you mean and think very bad thoughts. Especially when they do it every two hours. My favorites are the ones who mysteriously were wiping their butts at home and suddenly forgot how in the hospital, or just "can't reach". Omg, what do you people do at home? Wait - maybe I don't want to know.

And one more conclusion.

I don't like old people. There, I said it. Shoot me, curse me, sue me - I said it I don't like them. The way they smell, the way they walk, the way they eat, their opnions, and especially when the hit me and bite me when i'm just trying to help them.

My next tatoo will be a big DNR on my chest so when I'm fucking brain dead and no one has balls enough to do the right thing - they won't have too. Badda Boom, Badda Bing - Advanced Directives right there in permanent ink.

Now I've done this for 12 years now. I can write, and vent, and drink a nice shot of tequila. But I'm seeing alot of loser nasty people ruin alot of really good young nurses. It's sad.

Don't judge me till you've cleaned more than the kitty litter.

And I'm in a good mood today :)

Get to be in my house, pick everyone up from school, play on the Internet, watch tv, clean up, go fir a walk, enjoy the daytime. With none of THEM.

2010-12-26T02:39:00.002-07:00

Well, I survived Christmas.

For some reason this year was particularly unrewarding, and I came to the conclusion that I hate Christmas. The kids however informed me that they thought it was a great Christmas, and I guess thats all that matters. At least to me. I really felt like it was a slim Christmas this year, but they all seemed to love their presents and seemed satisfied with everything.

I still hate Christmas.

Didn't blog a whole lot this last year I see. It was a bad health year for me. Looking forward to a new healthier year.

Just want to say hi to Susan. It has been very nice getting in touch with you. I'm flattered that you've been here - this has always been a place open to everyone - no one is ever intruding. Don't know how much you've read - its basically been my place to express. Very therapeutic at times. Occasionally gotten me in trouble. I've been quiet over the last year, just cause I've been sick, but I'm still here. I somehow think this next year is going to be a very different year for me. To be honest, I never thought I'd be talking to you. I always just kind of admired you from afar. Especially back then. You are one of those people that I always thought was a really good person. Who deserved good things. I'm hoping life has treated you well and am very happy for you if it has. I still think you are beautiful. We have all changed since then, and I know you think you have - but I think who you were in my head back then will forever be etched in my brain. I don't think how I saw you is very different from how anyone saw you. To me, you were the most popular, prettiest girl in school. And so much of me wanted to be you for just one day. And there were so many times I saw you be kind to people that no one else was kind to - at least no one in the group you were in, the group everyone wanted to be in - and when you didn't know anyone was looking. But I saw it. And thats why I liked you.

Wow - such a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away............

And I can't believe you see me the way you do.

Just wanted to say hi. And really glad we talked. Hope we will keep talking.

The eclipse was very frustrating - we had clouds everywhere. Couldn't see anything. Can't believe it fell on Winter Solstice.

Merry Festivis

2010-12-19T05:11:00.003-07:00

So its been awhile. Been busy. At the end of October I fell and hurt myself. Didn't realize it at the time - and I'm not going to describe the fall - it was pretty bad and humiliating. I turn 40 and fall apart. Its horrible. So I fell. On my left side. Started having migraines - serious ones, and back pain. I almost couldn't work it was so bad. Especially at 4 am after 9 hours of work. So I finally went to the doctor. And started physical therapy. I am doing much better. PT is wonderful - I feel like it fixed me. I absolutely have to get in shape and change things - cause a simple little fall like that totally set me back. I had no reserve. It kind of opened my eyes.

On November 12th my mom fell outside on the sidewalk and cracked her knee-cap in half. She was completely immobile for about a week - and if you know my mom you know how ridiculous that statement is. So the kids and I have been staying with her since then. Its been very rough on her. I got my lisence back - had to after that, so I have been the only one driving. Very good to have it back though.

About a week after that Tyler had to go the the ED - couldn't breathe and in agonizing pain. They diagnosed pneumonia, a golf ball sized spot that was so low it would only show up on CT and not on an x-ray. And it was pressing up against his spine. He did a course of antibiotic at home, was still sick, went back to ER, and it was still there on CT and had migrated some. So he is still sick. But I am seeing him alot more - he has been home alot (well, my mom's with us), and it is very nice to be around him more. I missed him alot.

On December 1st, got a call from the school that Ryan fell and got hurt. Got to the school, his best friend Chris had knocked him off a chair at recess. He was in pain and didn't have full range of motion with his left arm. Went to Urgent Care, and because of how he was acting they declined to even do any X-ray and sent him straight to Phoenix Children's Hospital. He broke his little collar bone. He is doing much better now.

So, yeah. Lots of injuries and sickness. Been a rough few months. Hell, its been a bad year. But I think it over. Hope.

Needless to say, work was missed, and Christmas will be slim. I'm just hoping at this point that everyone makes it to Chrismas alive.

Its been hard to take care of me lately. But I know I need to. Things are changing. Inside. Slowly losing the desire to have an opinion. Not caring like I used to - except about my inner circle. Not caring about people in general. I've trained myself to be a not very nice person. Maybe its just a protective shell. When you don't care you can't get hurt. And when you are on the defensive, no one sneaks up on you. Not going out anymore - spending way more time with the kids. Having alot of mommy-guilt though. Life has a way of catching up to you. The things you neglected don't just go away.

Its weird being "back home". We will probably only be at my mom's for about another week - when she can start driving again. In the last few months gotten really close with the kids. And like I said, Tyler is back home.

Been missing my dad alot lately. Alot of the Christmas songs remind me of him.

Been so distracted with everyone's health, that personal things are suffering. I think I can finally breathe though now.

The weather has been eutopic. Beautiful, clouds, rain, fog, cool air - wonderful. Enough to lift my spirit and heart.

Been in touch with two of my sisters, Amber and Tara. Which is really nice.

But I'm with Angelina. Hate the holidays. Ok, I don't hate them. But they are way overrated and over stressful, and I can't wait for them to be over. Is that hate? The only good part is watching the kids love it.

So, Merry Festivis everyone. Whatever you celebrate, I really hope it good for you this year.

Merry, Merry Festivis.

2010-10-31T05:50:00.001-07:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN !!!!!!

2010-10-16T03:02:00.001-07:00

So, I haven't been here for awhile. Had my 40th birthday. Guess I don't have a whole lot to say. Trying to get back on a fitness thing now that the weather is nicer.

2010-09-07T10:08:00.001-07:00

Is Tim Burton really married to Helena Bonham Carter?

How perfectly awesome is that?

There are a few things right in the world, I guess.

Weight, School, and Homer

2010-08-30T11:52:00.004-07:00

Nikki, your new blog is inspiring me. I've been so busy lately, with kids and everything, just haven't been careful with trying to lose weight. But I don't feel good, or like how I look, so I'm going to start. I believe in the honesty thing too. Since my highest weight, and since being sick this last summer, I've managed to keep off 18 pounds. I am right at 185 (yes, I got up to 203 - there, it's out). And I know keeping the 18 off is good, and it's also good that I'm better and can finally eat again - I know that I need to start working at it again. I'm just not who I want to be or who I know I can be. Robin is still staying with me. Which is nice for me. And we go and do things sometimes, money and time permitting ( we have 9 kids between us). So I took her to Bombshells the other day - I hadn't been for a long time, but everyone still knows me in there. Then we went to another one just to compare the two. Just being in there makes me want to get in shape and look different. Why not? I'm not 18 anymore, but you know what, neither are some of those girls. So. I've decided things must change.

I'm not going to do anything fancy. Just food in and energy out - you know, the only thing that really works anyhow. So going to keep track of calories, and move more.

Had California roles today - live them so much with soy and wasabe - first time I ate today, 480 calories. And had a coke. Ever since I was so sick, started drinking alot of soda, started when it was the only thing I could keep down all day. Then became habit. It's a hard one. So, another 240 cals. So far today = 720 calories.
And I will walk today. I'm going to go for a pound a week. Simple like that.

Just have to mention the girl's school. The little kids are going to the same charter school they went to last year. But this year Syd and Lynds wanted to go to Tyler's school, and I wanted them to go there. It's a performing arts school. I'm so thrilled with it. We don't have a car right now, so it entails getting to the lightrail and riding it to and from everyday - and I don't want them doing that alone so I go with them in the mornings, ride it back home, then ride it back in the afternoons and ride it back with them. But it is so worth it. I love it. Lyndsey is in a basic music theory class and a visual arts class along with all the academic classes (6th grade) and Syd (9th) is taking ceramics, drama, guitar, and photography, along with geometry and English and all the rest. And she's starting American Lit with Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath. I just know their high school experience is going to be so different than mine. So good. And Tyler's senior english classes are transferring as college credits fir ENG 101 and ENG 102. Batta Boom - a whole year of college English out of the way. I'm so glad I could help them have this high school experience. I'm just very stoked about it.

I've been divorced from Kirk for almost 10 years now. I never asked him for anything, no child support - the court made me set that up in order to get divorced. So for the last 9 years I've been getting $100 a week for 3 kids. I know, can you even believe that ridiculous amount? But I never complained or asked for more. I think one time I asked fir groceries over and above the child support. Let's all remember that Kirk supports one person, himself, has NEVER fulfilled the time requirements of the judges degree, which was to puck the kids up from school every Wednesday, spend the evening with them until like 8 pm, the have them every other weekend from
Friday until Sunday - yes, overnight. And to pay for their medical insurance, and half of all transportation and medical expenses. Yeah, none of this ever happened. He covered their insurance for awhile until he said it was too expensive, informed me they weren't covered, and never once in 10 years has had them stay overnight - he never had a place with a bedroom for them. His typical visitation has been about everyother week like on a sat or sun, pick them up, go to like mcdonald or dairy queen or target, or sit at his house, never for more than like 4 hours. And for the last few years Tyler won't even do that. I never pushed it cause they never wanted to stay or sleep at his house. I never wanted them to feel like I was trying to get rid of them. So I let him come and go as he pleased. Liking it that they would rather be with me. But since April, when he lost his job and started another one - the messily $400 a month quit coming. Now that I have 2 in high school and lynds in 6th, it is so expensive. I've been communicating this lately. He is such a fucking loser. And now he's gone and bought a one bedroom house in the ghetto. It is kinda funny now, that since he list his "good job" cause he pissed someone off ( big surprise there), that all the things he used to put me down for and make fun of me for are happening to him. My house in a bad neighborhood? He is officially in the ghetto now. Ha!!! Hated my Mexican infested neighborhood? I doubt any of his neighbors speak English now. And if they do they are crackheads. Made fun of my car - now he's driving like an 88 cutlass - got his pretty sportscar and tyler's reposessed. Yeah, keep laughing at me buddy.

And the next time you tell me you can't help with lunch money or food, look in the mirror. Obviously you're eating - Jaba.

Just sayin. That felt good :)

Back In Black

2010-08-01T04:37:00.002-07:00

Since I got sick, (May 7) I haven't really posted here. I was in the hospital 5 or 6 times, and when I was at home from the hospital, I usually spent my time sick too. But I think I'm back. Last night at work I didn't get sick. And tonight at work I haven't gotten sick. This, believe it or not is something major. Evertime I ate, I would get sick. Everytime, no matter what it was. One day last week, I ate 3 Starbursts, after starving all day cause I was scared to eat. I was sick, stomach hurting, nausea, intense back pain.and diarrhea for 6 hours. These las 48 hours have been something out of the ordinary since May 6th. Basically, everyday I would feel ok until I ate, then about an hour after I ate I could kiss the rest of the day goodbye - and spent it on the couch or bed with a heating pad to my back or stomach, or ended up in a hot bath. In and out of the bathtub, on and off the couch. Sometimes hurting the whole night. Trying to be wife and mommy, with continual pain, It was really getting old.

So basically if I would have posted in the last 3 months, it would probably just have been about gastrointestinal hell.

Since I've been feeling better, I've been really struggling with my mood. In the last two weeks its been a real challenge. I still don't feel very educated or familiar with bipolar, but I think lately I've been very manic (at least what is manic for me) and very mixed. I can't sleep - insonmia ensues. And when I'm laying down trying to sleep, my thoughts just race. I can't calm my mind down. And there is a gloomy feeling about everything. The future, the past, right now. I stress and stress about things, the thought of many many stressors racing continually through my mind. I'm recognizing it as a chemical reaction. I'm recognizing the symptoms. But am on no meds, and its very hard to control the mood without those meds. But the meds turn me into a zombie with a heartbeat. I made the decision long ago not to take those meds. But last week I actually took some tegretol, remembering how sleepy I was on it, hoping it would help me sleep that day. It didn't. But oh how much better I felt mentally that day. Enough about the bipopular.

Oh and the nightmares. On a regular basis. I know thats a symptom of bipolar. But it sucks and doesn't make it feel any better. REM sleep cures it, but haven't been getting much of that.

I think my mind is slowing down a little. I've been at work the last 3 nights. I've never felt the effects of it at work, and I did these last few nights. Not really tonight though. Tonight has been a beautiful night of quiet patients. I have to say, I very much like being the nurse again and not the patient.

I've been thinking about my dad lately. Don't know why. Maybe cause I am back at work, on the floor he was on right before he went to Hospice. Maybe cause I've spent alot of time at my mom's house lately - alot of time laying in his old bed, with pictures, beautiful pictures, of him - staring at me. I haven't missed his this much in a long time.

I've had to deal with the house alot this last week too. The old house, which is still in my name. Had to get it cleaned up cause the city cited me, and had to go to court last week about it. My mom, got her 79 year old butt out there and did yardwork for me. I was so sick, and she helped me so much. But court was stressful.
I should say the time leading up to court was stressful. The people were actually very nice. I think just being in and seeing the house, what used to be my home, really gets to me. Losing my house really hurt. The apartment is beautiful, but losing the house is overwhelmingly sad sometimes. And I of course had to have my court date on July 29, the same day that that stupid immigration law, SB 1070, went into effect here - ok at least some of it. I was at that exact innersection that they were showing on CNN last week, where everyone was protesting and getting arrested, Washington and 1st Avenue. It was crazy there.

There are brief moments of peace. Brief moments of clear sky, when the clouds move out of the way for a little bit. And in all of this I haven't been drinking. And haven't really wanted to. I've had a drink here and there, but overall alcohol would have killed my stomach, and I didn't even want it. Cathy, if you read this I had a couple shots after we came to see you and Jenn. I needed it. I apologize for not getting back to your recently, I've just been busy and been sick. I love you too.

Along with the SB 1070 bill about the illegals, our blessed governor Brewer also passed a law that alcohol can be served on Sunday mornings. Up until now alcohol could not be sold anywhere in Arizona on Sunday mornings until 10 am. And I work every Saturday night. It kinda sucked. Cause there is no way I am waiting at the Rail while I'm having breakfast after work, until 10. But now I don't have to. Lauren and me are contemplating going after work this morning and celebrating the first Sunday of the new law, throwing a few back.

The kids are settling in well to the apartment. Actually liking it. Swimming lots. I'm back to work, so finances will get better. Spending lots more time with the kids. So I know life is ok. Its like looking through sunglasses. I know its sunny and bright, I just can't see it. And speaking of sunny, I think the weather affects me. The heat here just drains the life out of you. I find myself more depressed during the summer, cause its so fucking hot outside.

And Robin has been staying with us, so that has been nice. I like having her there. I missed her alot since I left County.

I've been going here -

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Last_words

It fascintates me.

I think I should get a new book. Read more.

The Monsoon has finally hit. We've had rain and storms the last few days. Its been WOONDERFUL. So wonderful. Someday I will live where it is coudy and rainy. By the ocean.

Glorious

2010-07-17T05:27:00.002-07:00

The view of the sunrise, especially during the Monsoon with all the clouds in the east hanging around, truly is a glorious site. Especially from the 5th floor of a hospital at your 10th hour of work.

First day back at work after 2 months.

2010-05-22T10:15:00.001-07:00

Back in the hospital again. Hopefully just for a night. Just not really getting better. But starting to feel better.

2010-05-17T15:40:00.002-07:00

Can someone help me figure out how to put pictures on here with my iPhone? I have a camera on the phone, and I post with the phone. When I go to the little picture icon on the posting page, there is no option of where to upload a picture from. It is not a full site, but there has to be a way to do it. I mean come on, it's Steve Job's little masterpiece in the palm of my hand.

And I promise the blog will be more interesting with pictures. Isn't everything?

2010-05-13T17:03:00.002-07:00

Getting out of the hospital today. Get to go home. Going home on levaquin, rifaximin, flagyl, and vancomycin, along with florastor and lactobacillus. Will be off for a little while. Thank goodness for short term disability. I love having a good job. Got to watch a lot of tv and movies. Haven't seen the kids since Sunday - I miss them. And I miss Cat and my Tebbies.

Going to go vegetarian for awhile - they found salmonella too. Yuck and ouch. And absolutely DONE drinking. For a long time. I just want to feel and look good.

It's amazing what it takes to get me to take care of myself.

2010-05-09T16:50:00.003-07:00

Spending Mother's Day in the hospital. They think I have C-diff, a really bad bacterial infection in my intestines. Had a CT scan of my belly in the ER and ny entire colon is inflamed. On IV antibiotics and having a sigmoidoscopy and intestinal biopsy tomorrow am. In between bouts of belly pain been resting on morphine and watching movies. Sarah came to see me last night, the kids and Royce just left, and Royce is coming back to watch game 4 with me. We better sweep them. Lots of clear liquids too. So not the greatest mom's day, but did get to see my kids, got cards, and called my mom. And I'm on my floor, so between the humiliation of moments of bodily function that my co-workers have to deal with - know I am surrounded by and taken care of by friends. And Royce is totally taking care of the kids along with my mom. Been sick, but have alot of blessings around me. And starting to feel better.

Okay - maybe not feeling so great, the cream of chicken soup and mousse starting to migrate through the system.

Games about to start. Go Suns!!!!!

Jose, Can You See???

2010-04-30T03:12:00.007-07:00

I want to post my thoughts on whats going on here in Arizona.

I'm a big believer in your opinion is worth shit if you have no knowledge of or experience with what you are talking about. This is something I actually know about. So here goes.

First of all, as you know, I actually live here in Arizona, and have my whole life. So I actually see the issues. They are literally in my backyard.

Janet Napolitano was my govenor. And Arpaio is my dumb-ass sheriff.

Second, I've worked in healthcare for 12 years, and in a hospital, specifically the labor and delivery unit at Maricopa County Hospital here, of which 90% or more of the patients there are illegal from Mexico. They are why I had a job. It's where I learned my Spanish - cause I had to.

Thirdly, many people often joke that I am Mexican on the inside. I have 5 kids, a chihuahua, a minivan, and my front door used to be blue. You might only understand that if you live here. I grew up in a Hispanic neighborhood, still live there, and would much rather live in a Hispanic or black neighborhood, than a snotty Scottsdale white neighborhood. The bar I go to, which is home, is very non-white. Sometimes we are the only white people in there. Lots of Hispanics, Blacks, Somalis, and Natives. And this is the bar I prefer to be in. I actually feel safer there. I respect them. They respect me. No issues. The Cantina is a half a mile down the road, the drinks are cheap, but it is a white, Republican, right-wing, military, "god, country, and my pick-up" bar. Yeah - no thanks. They actually shun me in there - even quit serving me, ignoring me. Because I open my mouth. Especially when I'm drinking. I would much rather sit and visit and socialize with non-whites. Its just me. Blacks are so much fun, and Hispanics are so colorful and vibrant. And besides, white people just shouldn't do karaoke. Just shouldn't.

Ok. To the issue.

I have mixed feelings about the 1070 bill. I do agree that there is a huge problem here with illegals. It has gotten out of control, for various reasons, and needs to be dealt with. I have issues with both side of it.

Argument 1: "They are taking our jobs." They do have alot of the jobs here. However, these are jobs that most Americans would refuse to do because it is beneath them. Is some Scottsdale bitch who is looking for a job really going to be a housekeeper at the local Hilton? Don't think so. Is Johnny Unemployed who used to work in an office and got downsized really going to go work as a landscaper? Yeah, would love to see that. They are working, but at jobs we don't want. And trust me, if our state is rid of all the mexicans, there will be alot of white people bitching and moaning about the jobs they now have to do. Just sayin.

Argument 2: "They cause the crime rate to go up." Okay, yeah, but thats just a statistical thing because there are so many of them. What about all the fucking child molesters that are "undocumented" and not kept track of, who break probation cause no one cares, and then go and murder some little girl? Why aren't we keeping track of them too? I will agree that there is more crime because they are here. Just like there is more crime whenever there is poverty.

Argument 3: "Why are we concerned about them unless they are committing a crime". Okay, they are already committing a crime by being here.

Argument 4: "It will break up families." Those parents chose to put their families in a position of potential breakup when they decided to live here illegally. Its like saying that the justice system is breaking up the family of some mommy who shoplifts and goes to jail - away from her child. SHE is the one who broke up the family by making the decision to do something illegal. Just like them.

Argument 5: "We have rights!!!!", Ummmmmmmmm, no ya don't, if you aren't legal. Rights go with belonging to a country. You have rights in Mexico.

Argument 6: "We will not tolerate racial profiling." Seriously???? Like they are really going to look at me, and Miss Paris Hilton wanna-be and ask us to show our papers. They will not look at me, and have the be the sole reason for pulling me over, or stopping me, or throwing me to the ground. And trust me, those white Nazi Mesa Mormon cops WILL do this. And they will love it. Fuck, they do it now.

Argument 7: "Requiring someone to 'show their papers' is fascist and Nazi-like." But why? Everyone else from any other country, Somalia, Guana, South Africa, China, they all have to have documentation to prove they can be here. And they aren't bitching.

Argument 8: "This is like how the blacks were treated back during abolition and during the civil rights movement of the 60's". Bullshit, don't even insult any black person that way. The blacks were taken from their country against their will, tortured, enslaved, raped, beaten, and belittled. In the 60s they were citizens that were born here, treated like second class citizens. They were fighting for rights that were technically already theirs that were already paid for in human American blood. The illegals are not citizens, don't have rights, and are being asked to not commit a crime or deal with the consequences.

Argument 9: "Our economy would collapse with out them." Yeah, this is probably true. It would. And its our own fault here in Arizona. Check out the movie "A Day Without A Mexican."

Basically this is how I feel. Simply put, if you aren't doing anything wrong, you have nothing to be worried about. Just like in any other scenario in life. If I'm driving sober with a valid liscence, I don't have to worry when I get pulled over. If I'm legal, and can prove it, there is nothing to worry about. If grandma and Tia and Uncle Jose aren't, maybe they need to get legal or get the fuck out.

On the upside of the bill: Up till now, they have been able to cross the border and get everything for free. Not only are they doing something against the law, but we reward them for it. The illegals at County got "Federal Emergency Serice". AKA = your entire bill, for popping out yet another child you can't afford even formula and diapers for, is completely paid for just because you are illegal. I've seen legit patients with insurance go without an epidural because they couldn't afford it. Solution - cross the border. Its paid for. They run up million dollar bills, that tax payers (you and me) pay for, and my dad who was a citizen, born here, served in the military, never committed a crime, worked honestly his whole life, adopted two children, one from another country, had to pay $800 a month on a very small monthly budget and do without other things because he could barely afford his medicine for a disease that he did not bring on himself (unlike 80% of patients who have abused their bodies their whole lives and then are upset and angry that their bodies mysteriously shut down when they are old). And if Abdul who has been here for 2 years can speak perfect English, then the Medozas who have been here for 20 years can too.
Wow that was a mouthful. Taking a breath.

Still on the upside: Not only do we pay their medical bills, we put every god-damned bill board and ATM in Spanish, we give them free education and food stamps, they get all the benefits of our taxes, drive on our well maintained roads, use our resourses without paying any taxes, I have to pay taxes, alot of them. I think its ridiculous that I can't order fast food, and open up the bag when I get home and have a correct order, because I don't speak Spanish. I don't know how many times I've gotten Sprite when I ordered fries, and someone goes without their food. But has lots of Sprite. It is not a crime for them to steal someones social security number and use it here - they are not prosecuted. If I did that it would be called fraud and I would go to jail. I heard that something like 40 billion dollars were Western Unioned to Mexico last year. Can you imagine the taxes on that shit? We might actually be able to pay our teachers here with that money.

On the downside of the bill: I think it is impossible to enforce it without profiling, with out being unconstitutional. Profiling is when you detain someone simply because of how they look. And that is what is going to happen. It already does. Now they are required to do it. And don't we have more important things to worry about? Like getting the hell out of the middle east, like child molestors and rapists? Like the fucking oil spill? And earthquakes? I think everyone is going to boycott us, good luck ever getting a decent concert or sporting event after the bill becomes law. Do you know how many athletes and musicians are black and mexican? How soon we forget the boycott in 1990 after we failed to pass the Martin Luther King holiday. Already kids have left the school where my girls go. Their friends went back to Mexico. And this will just keep happening. I don't like that for my kids. There are good people, who have lived here and worked here for twenty plus years. That just want to be here because it is a better and safe place to be. There is not just principle involved, there are faces and families. And if in order to enforce the law, we fail the Constitution, we are going against everything this country has ever stood for. The Constitution is of the utmost importance. It is who we are. It has been paid for in lives. And will be defended with lives. It is who we are. To thine own self be true. If we do not uphold the constitution, everything we ever fought for and believe in as Americans is gone. This is why it is so important. Its not just about illegals, its about the integrity of our actions. Our founding fathers believed that all men are created equal, that we all have human rights, that we all have the right to pursue happiness. That we all have the right to leave a homeland where we don't have rights and to come here to the Land of the Free. Not just Americans. But everyone. We used to be the beacon of hope for the whole world. They came and were met by our Statue of Liberty.

What ever happened to:
"Give me your tired, your poor
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free;
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me-
I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Are we just complacent now? Now that we are comfortable? Do we even know what the Constitution says? Is this bill actually unconstitutional? Or are we just trying to keep the law?

Its just a very complicated issue.

I would love to hear what Carlos Mencia has to say about it.

Like I said, I don't know how I feel about it. Very mixed feelings. The whole country is coming down on our state for being fascist. Well, you live here and deal with the problems. You are all safe and happy in your white neighborhoods in New England and Minnesota. Would you move to South Phoenix? Walk the streets at night? And those of you who are illegal and oppose it, do you have any idea how another country would deal with this? Hell, if I try to cross into Mexico they are allowed to shoot me.

There you go. That's how I feel.

No one ever accused me of not having an opinion.

And lastly, I am just thankful they are not targeting me.

2010-04-21T09:55:00.002-07:00

The final episode of LOST is on May 23. That is 4 weeks, 5 weeks until a Tuesday night free. I decided awhile ago I was going to join a yoga class on Tuesday evenings after LOST was over. I have one month. I've been trying to lose weight since march 27, 3 1/2 weeks, and have lost 9 pounds. I hope to have lost a total of 25 pounds by the time I start that class. That means I have to start my yoga video at home, and do it at home until that class starts. I've been so intimidated by actually doing yoga, that I've had the home video for probably 6 months, and haven't taken the plastic off of it. Haven't opened it. Out of sheer intimidation and fear. Well, today I open it.

2010-04-19T13:36:00.003-07:00

Nikki - you have got to check this out. God it takes me back. And I know it will take you back - especially during the reign of Sir Roland.

You gotta read it.

www.ginandtonic4thesoul.com

2010-04-13T10:52:00.002-07:00

666.

This is my 666th post. I guess I think that's significant because of the "evil" connotation of that number. Not that I'm evil, but I guess it's important because it's so connected to everything I don't believe in anymore, and this blog has been my place for that transformation. And I guess in a satyrical, dark sense of humor way I relate to that number. Want to be associated with it - In a humorous joking way if course. I saw something the other day - how we need a "sarcasm" font, to identify when we want what we write to be taken with sarcasm. Guess I need that font here.

Anyone who is into numerology knows that the number 3 is very significant, even people who are unaware of it. Like how deaths and plane crashes happens in 3s. People know this. And therfore 666 definately has it's mumerologic importance. So I am going to write about 3 things today.

1. Fixing the world.
2. Roadblocks
3. My Path

Since we moved, I've been doing alot more self-study. Wicca, naturopathic things, and my meditation devotional. The change in my lifestyle has allowed more time and opportunity to read. Much of what I read is geared toward other people. Service. Fixing the world. Therapuetic lifestyles, not harming the environement and of coarse "harm ye none". Bringing and making peace. Helping others. And I'm in a profession where I am committed to helping and healing others. I see UNICEF, and environemental organizations, and relief agencies, and being part of them and contributing to "the greater good" is so much of what I believe and want to be a part of, and I start seeking ways to be a part of it all and "change the world". After alot of thinking and self-inspection, I realize I can't change the world before I change my own world. I have 5 beautiful, wonderful children I am personally responsible for bringing into this world. Before I should try to contribute to anything else, I need to make them my ultimate priority. Making not "the world" a better peaceful loving responsible place, but to first make sure my children live in a peaceful, healthy, environmentaly resposible, place where they are instilled with love for each other, and an awareness of the world around them. Now they may choose other values than mine, but I must equip them with security, education, tolerance, and peace. I recently realized that this is my contribution. To peace, to the environment, to the cosmos, to the world and society. My children and home are my contribution. I need to focus. Moving was a huge step in that direction. And I already see results. We went from confusion, congestion, and chaos to simplicity and clean and routine. Everyone is happier. But there are still alot of behaviors from divorce, from having an alcholic mommy, and from my bipolar. Alot of the negative. From now on my first priority is to counteract any of the negativity from these things. I have a big job. But my children are wonderful human beings, they deserve it and the world needs them. So I have simplified my response to my beliefs. The homefront is my concern. And hopefully someday when they are grown and contributing and peaceful themselves I can do something on a broader level. But for now......

2. Roadblocks. The path of Wicca and Yoga is one of acceptance. Anger has been a constant in my life. That path is accepting of all beliefs and paths. I am not. I have a hatred for Christianity. My own issues. They are hurting me, not helping me and it is time to let them go and look at things differently. I will be 40 this year. It is time to not be angry. As Faraday (for all of us Losties out there) would say - " Whatever happened, happened." Tempe church, Liz Clark, Karl, Mr. Klaus, all if it. It happened. Time to move on.

On March 31 here in Scottsdale, a man -distraught over his pending divorce- woke up in the morning, and put a bullet into his 15 month old and one into his 5 year old. Point blank. Called the cops, reported it, then turned the gun on himself - but, like any coward, hesitated at the last minute. Shot a hole through the roof of his mouth and through his nose. But missed everything important, unlike with his two young sons. He was taken to my hospital. And put on my floor. I saw the news story when it happened. And then there he was at work. I knew I couldn't be his nurse. At least not compassionately. Part of me wanted to. So I would be able to inflict some kind of pain on him, change his dressing with Lysol, insert a rectal tube, start an IV in his eye. All I really needed was a simple kitchen fork. A rusty one. Actually, my biggest weapon would probably be my mouth, like always? " do you have kids? Want to see mine? I just love those ages, a year and a half and 5, want to know what we did for Easter? Do you think this fork in your eye hurts as much as that bullet in your 5 year old's chest? Let's see if you bleed as much as they did. And morhine, I'm sorry, were out". Yeah something like that. It honestly made me suck that I was that physically close to him. I let the charge nurse know not to assign him to me. But everything I believe in, all if it has no room for hate or harm. To anyone. ANYONE. There is no room for these negative feelings, if I am to be whole and peaceful, but I hated him so much. I really struggle with people like that. And I guess all hate comes from fear. It is something I really struggle with. I also still struggle with alcohol. It is something my body needs, that I don't deny it. I have moderated it alot, but I still struggle. One thing I read recently is that renouncing bad beghaviors and concentrating on getting rid of them is not the way to do it. Instead, so find positive behaviors, to concentrate and nuture them, and they will eventually eliminate the bad ones, cause there won't be time or energy for both. The two wolves once again. So this is my new strategy for the negative.

3. My Path. I am realizing, as I turn 40, that I have been drawn to Wicca, and it is more than a passing, rebellious reaction to a negative Christian upbringing. It is home. It is my path and where I belong. But Wicca is not all. Yoga is my home too. I've been "doing yoga" regularly, not the physical, but mentally. I have alo of mental blocks when it comes to the physical yoga. My weight, body image, the poses. But I need it, and realize even at the weight and physical condition right now that it is home, it is who I am. So goodbye to mental blocks. I will go at my own pace, but will overcome. I want to do more than nursing for a career. I know it is what I have to do right now, and is my way of supporting my family. It is where I am at this point in life. But I want more. I have decided I want to be a Yoga instructor in the future. I have a long way to go with a lot if work, but I want it. In the next 10 years, by the time I am 50, I want this to happen. It will take a huge transformation both physically and mentally, but why not? I can do that or just continue to stay stagnant. So this is my goal. And it feels, after realizing Yoga with Wicca, that I am finally home. Imperfect, but Home.

Lions, and TIGERS, and bears ....... OH MY!?!?!?!!

2010-04-08T13:19:00.012-07:00

I hope Tiger Woods wins.

Wins the whole Goddamned Masters.

I realize I probably have a very unpopular opinion. Especially with women. And I love women. I am one. But give me a break. If the issue is sex and morality, it's just sex - get over it. OMG. I think think the issue is more than trust or "morality" though. I think the issue is committment to a marriage vow. Which is understandable. But please. She had to know. She knew before they got married that he fucked around with beautiful women. He picked her to marry, to be in photos with, to be seen with because she is beautiful and not a stripper, or a nightclub owner, or god forbid a porn queen or single mom. She has a great wholesome image and is a great "investment". If you don't want to be married to someone who needs the image, don't marry Tiger Woods, the same way I shouldn't have married Kirk after he hit and raped me - she knew. She had to. You marry a rich, famous, high paid sports star you deal with the other women. She married him for the money- and that makes her a high paid whore - not that there's anything wrong with a high paid whore - but you can't expect Prince Charming. Maybe Charlie Sheen, but not Prince Charming. Deal with it sister. Hope you have a prenup. Enough about Elin. I feel bad for her, but not that bad. I feel the worst for the kids. As far as Tiger goes, paaaa-leeeeeeeeese........ Like he is the only one. They all do it. All of them. All powerful,rich men cheat. ALL OF THEM. If it were some old rich white guy would anyone care? Would it make the news? Every politicician, every minister (trust me, I know this one first hand), every CEO - they all cheat. Deal with it or don't marry them. Or at least make some righteous money from it. Which kinda makes you a ......... Well, anyhow. It's insulting for anyone to think women are that stupid. Please. Give me a fucking break. Now his sponsers have a financial investment. But what the fuck does cheating have to do with shoes? Don't get me wrong, I don't really like him, I certainly wouldn't admit to fucking him ( now Jesse James - I would admit to THAT). But come on. I might buy a pair of Nikes if they could help me run faster away from men like Tiger. Now that's an ad campaign. "Nike - when there's a Tiger behind you and you need to run - really fast!!!". But the commercial they came out with today? His dad's voice? Post mortem? Are you serious? What are they selling? Guilt? That will only apply to the Catholics out there - except apparently the priests.

He did it. Okay - he did it over and over. They ALL do. At least his wife wasn't dying of breast cancer at the time. Leave it between him and his wifey.

All those old rich fucks running the elite golf country club that made some ridiculous public statement this morning about how Tiger has disappointed them all - they are just jealous of all the fine pussy he got. They are just mad it wasn't them. Where is Jesus to write in the sand when all the johns have stones in their hands, ready to throw?

Those old rich white men are just jealous. They call it "embarrased"?
They would be hi-fiving if it was one of them.

Leave him alone. The story is boring. And examine your own damn life. If those 19 or so ( okay the more the better) came on to you, would you resist? Yeah.

And I think maybe Elin should advertise for golf clubs.
"When you need to hit them with your best shot!!!"
(Pat Benetar in the background of course)

2010-03-31T17:15:00.004-07:00

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

Goin to the Black Eyed Peas tonight!!!
Ludacris is opening for them.
Its a girl's night out - Sydney and Lyndsey and me are going - just us. And I know, Heather, that you'll be there with Jessie. (Aren't we kick-ass moms?). Maybe we will see you. Starts at 7:30. Fun fun fun !!

Can't wait to see and hear Fergie!!!!!

Time to Pump It !!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-29T12:38:00.002-07:00

This next week is one of the perks of having a kick-ass job ----- paid time off. I'm not scheduled until Friday the 9th.

Just finished in the gym.
It's my goal to get in the gym everyday this week and to do at least an hour of cardio and some lifting every day.

Today did:
20 minutes on the elyptical
40 minutes on the treadmill
Curls - 15#, 2 sets of 10
Squats - 30# of wt
Leg extensions - 45#, 3 sets of 10

Just have to comment on a couple of stories on the news here:

That guy they caught for murdering little Somer last fall - I hope he gets gang raped with a broomstick in prison. And then when that has almost killed him , hope he fries like the Frenchman in The Green Mile. They just announced cause of death as suffocation.

And the have a whole set of classes you can take for childbirth with hypnosis instead of drugs. You gotta love first time, prima Donna, naive little moms. Actually you don't have to love them, they're pretty annoying. And Nucking Futs.

Nurture and Nature

2010-03-27T04:48:00.005-07:00

Arlene - thanks for stopping by! Good luck with your move. I hate moving, but once you get in its worth it. Hope it all goes well for you, and hope you keep coming by. My blog has mellowed alot over the last 5 years. I was very angry for awhile. I'm sure I was much more entertaining in years past. Things have kind of mellowed for me. This is a good thing.

Heather - yes I finally have a permanent phone. I'll email it to you. I miss you so much. I would love to have you over. If not before, I do plan on having a 40th birthday party this October. So keep it in mine. You too Nikki. Hell, everyone keep it it mind.

Nikki - I spent Spring Equinox moving. Next holiday, is it Beltane? I will do more. Hopefully I have the night off. Maybe I will even find something in the community. I did that one year and it was so great.

The couch and the table are orgasmic. Love them. This next week Royce and I both took off time, cause we thought that would be the week we were moving. We are going to finish the whole moving thing, and clean up the old house. I even like doing dishes and laundry in the new place. Its just so clean and pretty. Can't wait for a little extra money to add some finishing touches. Gotta get all my witchy stuff there. I feel a little naked and lost without all my stuff.

Started doing yoga again. Very basic, but its a start. And meditating. And I'm back in the gym. We have a fitness center there and I'm starting to go. Went twice this week. Want to work up to almost every day. I need it so bad.

The mood has started on a downward spiral. Very hard to regulate without meds. And since we started moving haven't been taking my natural stuff. I'm starting to really notice. Hopefully the exercise and yoga will help. I just couldn't get my mood up yesterday, no matter what I did. The important thing is I didn't let it keep me from anything. I worked out. I cleaned. I went to work. I guess thats what I really need to train myself to do: not to eliminate the mood, but to work through it and function in spite of it.

Right before we moved I had the talk with Ryan. He is 8 now, and I never lied to him about Mike, the subject just never came up. I knew it would someday, and always knew I would be honest with him when I felt the time was right. Well, he started asking all kinds of questions, about babies, and being pregnant, and siblings, and just normal questions. Very curious. Then he said to me, "Mom, if Dad (Royce) wouldn't have married you, me and Cheyenne wouldn't be here, would we?" It took me off guard, and I just kind of agreed with him at first. Knowing that that would be true for Cheyenne, but that Ryan would be here regardless. Knowing its not fair that the older kids know the truth while he doesn't. I felt guilty telling him what I did. It felt wrong. So I decided it was time. I asked Royce first, to make sure it was ok that I talk to him without Royce there. He said it was fine. So I sat down with Ryan and told him he had another dad. He was very curious, and very happy about it. Wanted to know all about Mike, what he looks like, where he lives, what he is like, his cousins, and aunts and uncles, and what they look like, and where they live. I told him about Alison's farm, and he wants to go there and see all the animals. I answered all his questions the best I could. Remembering what it was like growing up being adopted, wondering the same things myself, but unable to know them till I was 18. Ryan is so innocent and loving and good. He wants to know when he can visit them. When he can see his other grandparents. When he can see his cousin and aunts. When he can go to Mike's house. He talks about it alot now. He even got out a picture of me and Mike and put it up in his new room. He also was very concerned about hurting Royce's feelings. He said," Royce is still my dad and I love him." It breaks my heart to know that that family wants nothing to do with Ryan and will not even acknowledge him even though they all know about him. And there would be no DNA test needed, he looks exactly like all of them. OMG. If you put him and Danny (his 9 year old cousin) next to everyone, he is the one that would belong if it were based on looks. Its like a carbon copy. They would never be able to deny him. But they do. I made sure they all knew. So when the time came Ryan could never say to me that I kept it from anyone. Its on them if they choose to acknowledge him or not. It hurts me that he may be hurt by it someday though. I feel like its something bad I have done to him. That its my fault. But being adopted myself, I also know that blood may be thick, but family are the people that you grow up with. And that can never be changed, no matter how much you look like someone, or how "related" you are. Peggy and me are sisters, in every sense of the word, but I look like Tara. My mom is my mom, for better or for worse, but I look and act like Suzie and came out of her body. And as far as my dad goes, well, dad will always be my hero. My Knight in Shining Armor. My Superman. Dad was Dad. So Royce has nothing to worry about. Its complicated. But its something that only me and Ryan have in common. I can relate and understand. And I know that will help both me and Ryan in any situation that comes up. I found a letter that Mike wrote to Ryan as I was in labor. I will give it to him someday. I wish I would have had a letter like that growing up.

Mike, if you are reading this, take heed. Remember how it felt to be left by your mom. Don't do this to Ryan. For your sake.

We will get through it. Ryan will always be Royce's little boy. But there is a blood component to it also. Just like there was with me. Time will tell. It always does. And Ryan will be loved immensely regardless.
Always and Forever.

The Move - One Week In

2010-03-25T05:06:00.004-07:00

So we have been in our new place for a week now. It is starting to feel really good. It is so nice. Nice and clean and new, and everything works. Not totally moved in, but getting there - taking our time. Getting into a daily routine - and it is working well. Just from one week ago, it is such a different life. There were some bumps along the way - alot of tension at first. The move seemed to bring everyone's issues to the surface, and there were some tense moments at first. But it has mellowed and is so peaceful now. It just feels so different from the "house". The house was so heavy and broken. This is light, and new, and peaceful. We are all relearning how to live with a routine. And I'm actually doing it, and it feels great. The kids have been swimming alot. The pools are beautiful. We have an alarm system. A dishwasher. Washer/dryer in the house. Everything works. Our new neighbor actually knocked on the door, introduced himself, and gave us a plant (his name is Richard - as in Alpert). The dogs, Twiggy and Tebs are the only ones that came with us and they are learning a routine to0. Going out to the dog park, learning to go outside. Its all new for all of us. We haven't had a couch or a dining table yet. They are being delivered today. I'm so excited, we have been on the floor to watch tv and stuff. The not eating on the carpet is hard for everyone. On the patio or in the kitchen. It will be better after today when we get the table and chairs. The first night there, Peggy came to help us move, and so did Tayler. Then they both decided to stay, Peggy's kids too, and we all camped out on the living room floor, all of us but Royce, who slept back at the house cause he needed a bed cause he had to get sleep for work in the morning. We had a blast, stayed up till like 3, we laughed so hard, you know Peggy. Oh my god, I haven't laughed that hard in a long time, and Tayler just fits in with us perfect. All the same wave length if you know what I mean.

Overall, it is very obvious that it was a good thing, is a good thing, and that it was long overdue. It just feels so much better. I'm enjoying the nighttime routine with the kids. We still need to move the fish tank (which will be a bitch). I'm so excited about the furniture.

Lovin my life right now.
Love it.

A Year Ago........

2010-03-15T01:30:00.003-07:00

A year ago I had just gotten out of the hospital, and had just started outpatient. I remember that St. Patrick's Day 2010 was going to be my year mark for sobriety. That didn't happen. (Have had some very drunk moments since then). And I had just been diagnosed. Its been a year with my new diagnosis. Its been an interesting year. I've put on about 20 pounds since then, and I had weight to lose at THAT point. So I really need to get my ass in gear. I've never weighed this much. I plan on starting after we move. Overall, going to the hospital last year was helpful cause I finally found out what was wrong. This year has been better because of that. Reading back I realize I haven't seen Heather in over a year. Makes me sad. However, its been a year that I've known Sarah - our Anniversary so to speak - and I am really thankful to have her in my life.

I've managed to keep my job. Was having a problem with attendence because of everything that was going on, and that has resolved. Still have my great job, and people like me and trust me here. This is good. Have developed work relationships/friendships. Become good friends with Candace and Lauren. And enjoy everyone (except V) on nightshift. The money situation, despite losing the house, is better, Royce is working now, and there is a plan in progress. So all of that is better.

Was reading the post where I talked about the other nurses I work with. How for the most part they live really good lives because of the money they make, have nice things and are happy, and how my life was so different than theirs, despite having the same paycheck. I feel like with this new move, and the new structure, I will finally live that kind of life. I will finally be like them.

I hope in a year I can look back and see that I've done all that I want to do.

2010-03-14T02:43:00.000-07:00

http://delsolfurniture.com/delsolonline/popup_image.php?pID=86

Go here to see my new couch.
I'm so excited.

The Move - Part One, Getting Ready

2010-03-14T01:35:00.002-07:00

The older I get the more I like learning. Even if its just different opinions, different viewpoints, from different people. I love reading and finding new blogs. I've found a few new ones recently that I want to follow, they are on the sidebar. I also started reading Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time." Fascinating.

Yesterday we paid all the move-in costs for the apartment and signed the lease. We get the keys on Wednesday. It is all very bittersweet for me. I'm excited about the new place, but its hard to leave the old one. I know it will be a good thing, but it is still hard. So many rules, I am so used to my own space, doing my own thing. No rules. I guess thats the root of my problems, no rules. So I am going to embrace the rules.

This move is the start of a whole different way of life for Royce and me and the kids. We have lived so differently for so long. We will have to live with rules, and deadlines, organization and structure that I have never implemented. I hope I can do it. I have to do it. I've been trying to prepare myself for the structure that is about to happen. I have relied on my mom for so many basic things, and have just let the other things deteriorate. The condition of my home, and life, is so bad right now. Broken. Thats the only way to describe it. The details are so embarrasing I won't even write them down. But I am determined to change it all. It will entail bedtimes, homework times, cooking dinner, regular daily housekeeping, making school lunches, getting everyone ready in the mornings. It will involve a routine. This is what I let my mom do for so long, and it is way past time for me to grow up and do it. I am looking forward to it, but scared I will fail. Also living on a budget. I have NEVER done this. Just spent when I felt like it and put things off. And now this is where I am. I am having more anxiety about this, true anxiety, than I can express. Writing helps. Thats why I am writing about it.

We will start moving things into the apartment this weekend, and also other things to the storage unit. So far it has been a very well planned out move. Unlike when we up and left for Prescott. Little bipolarish there. I know that what is wrong with me has alot to do with the decisions I have made over the past say 5 years (lets face it my whole life - they just have been very destructive over the last 5 years). Destructive decisions. But now I know what is wrong, and I refuse to be the typical whiney, drama-filled, blame it on someone else, psycho, borderline manipulative victim that I associate "bipolar" with - like the patients at work. I refuse. I realize now that I have a huge problem with impulse control and mood control. Knowing what is wrong is half the battle for me. But let me say, being bipolar sure has taken its toll on me. I refuse to let it destroy me anymore.

The waiting to move in is agonizing.

It helps me cope to visualize what I want. How I would want things to be if I could have them that way. I want evenings cooking in the kitchen, listening to jazz, with some nice wine. Movie nights with the kids, on a great couch. Story time at night. Friends over with great food and great conversation. Shopping at Sprouts and Whole Foods. Great colors in the house, great dishes and silverware. Peace. Fluffy comforters and down pillows for the kids. Waking up in the morning feeling good. Really good. Day bicycle trips with Royce. Jogging in the evening. A regular Yoga routine and class. Quiet yoga in my own living room. Quiet days where I cuddle up in my nice living room, and just read for hours. Reading lots and lots of books. New ones. Old ones.

We make more than enough money to live this way. Simply, but good. Quality. Its just a matter of structure. My biggest 4 letter word.

I know I am putting my dirty laundry out there by writing all of this. But I have to remind myself that this blog was always and still is for ME. Writing always helps me. And it may be the one thing that gets me through this move.

This move is the biggest mirror I have had - the biggest thing that makes me really look at myself and what I have done. Its all right there in my face with consequenses. I can't run from it or ignore it anymore.

I can do this.

2010-03-07T02:59:00.002-07:00

Stacey - I got your book in the mail yesterday. I love it. Thank you so much. I had worked the night before and when I woke up yesterday to get ready for work, Royce brought it in to me. It was a nice way to wake up. When he saw that it was from you, he said "it must be something Witchy". I laughed. I love it. And I will definately use it.

Found a new blog that I will follow - here www.mattlogelin.com (its on the sidebar too). Its about a dad and his little girl. Incredibly sad and courageous story. And will be fun to watch her grow up on the blog.

2010-03-04T02:36:00.002-07:00

Stacey - I'm watchin the mailbox.

And 2 weeks without any sign of Sawyer is just about enough already, right?????

And it took only 2 days of Tegretol to decide that wasn't for me - again.
Gee, a little wishy washy I am.

Trying to make other lifestyle changes.

Started keeping a daily chart too of all kinds of factors. So we will see.

b i p o p u l a r

2010-02-28T02:28:00.009-07:00

A girl named Tina in my outpatient class last year used that term. Bipopular. I thought it was hilarious.

I miss you too Heather. Lots and lots. I wish we could just sit somewhere and just talk - on a regular basis. I so just need to talk, and I always feel better when I talk to you. I'm glad things are better with Jess. Hopefully once they find out what works it will be the magic formula for her. You've been in my thoughts alot lately. Miss you.

Oh and to answer your question - we are just moving down the street. To an apartment.

They moved up our move in date to March 18, something about their books and records, it made it easier for them. So I said sure, why not.

My house is so out of control right now. So disorganized. Overwhelming. So much that its hard to find a place to start, so I don't ever start at all. I can't let this overwhelm me, but it is. I need to just start, and just do it. I think if I take the approach that "everything has its place" it will help me alot. (Was reading about this here: http://www.solitaryinsanity.com/, see the post on Feb. 23, and it inspired me.) I never used to keep the house the way it is now. I've just completely let it go. The more I learn about bipolar the more I realize that my dad dying was my sentinal event. The thing that pushed my mind over to the crazy side. Apparently, although most people that are bipolar have been that way their whole life and not known it, there is usually and event that happens that makes it very obvious, and therefore they get diganosed. My dad was mine. He died Sept. of 2006, and the 3 years since he died have been a bipolar hell - for me and everyone around me. And it all hit the fan January of 2009 (I should go back and read those posts). All kinds of insanity and bad decision making. Just craziness, stuff I'm ashamed to even write down. But if you read other peoples stories, it is very much identical in many ways. It explains all the financial problems, trouble with relationships, losing my house, all the alcoholic behaviour. The owning 5 dogs that I can't care for - yeah another symptom. Losing my driver's lisence - yeah another one.

I'm realizing that when situations are presented to me, things that will affect my quality of life, such as spending money, going out, staying out, having too many animals, the fights, the alcohol, speeding, ignoring traffic tickets, ignoring creditors, just basic Barb behaviour - my reaction is always the same. "Everything will be okay". Thats my reaction. And as positive as it is and all, I give it a very unrealistic quality. I literally, for that moment, or moments, think that what I do really won't affect my life. So I go ahead and do it. Staying out all night and not being with the kids - it will be ok. Excessive alcohol - it will be ok. Sure we can have another dog - poor doggie, needs some love and a home. It will all be ok. The blow out between me and Maria - that cost me my job. All the broken relationships at my own hand. I don't need them anyhow, it will be ok. I could go on.

But it never is. Its not ok. I am losing my house, don't have a driver's license, am in financial hell, my credit score is probably -25, had a car reposessed, caused alot of damage between Royce and me, ignored my children, my house is a disaster. Boy when I write it all down, it seems so obvious that that is what has been wrong with me the whole time. For years. My whole life. The only thing I haven't managed to lose is my nursing license. Thank god.

I think moving to the new place is a new start for us. It will be clean, and working, and just a new place. I am going to make an appointment with Sarah's nurse practitioner. I can't do this by myself. I thought I could, but I can't. The alcohol has to go, I need meds, and alot of lifestyle changes. I just can't manage my life. I need help. So for my kids and my marriage, I am going to get help. Everyone is suffering because of me, and I don't want to do this anymore.

I started Tegretol again. I have enough to get me through till I see the nurse. It was a hard decision to make. I don't want "me" to go away, but right now "me" is a mess.

I forgot the hell that the first few days on Tegretol is like. I was so sleepy at work, couldn't concentrate - literally. It was horrible. Last night was horrible. But I made it through and didn't kill anyone. I should have just called off, but once again I've taken so many day off (another symptom) that I will be in trouble if I call in again. And I desperatly need this job. So I just went and worked. It was hell though. It was like I was dreaming while awake. Literally. It was obnoxious. From now on I will take it right before I sleep, whether that be morning or night.

I need to just accept the fact that I have it. Quit fucking around trying to play doctor. I'm a very non-compliant patient. Very bad patient.

I'm educating myself on diet and bipolar. Apparently this is very important. And I will try hard to eat that way. There also are some supplements I can take that can reduce symptoms by around 55%. I think natural meds are way way under-rated and totally believe in them. But like someone who has cancer, you can do all the non-traditional stuff, but don't refuse the chemo. Those people die. And the amount of alcohol has to drasitally decrease. It is the worst trigger for me. I have such bad episodes after I drink, like the next day. So that has to change.

I've always been really hesitant to write about this on here. But I actually feel better after writing this post. I want to get well.

I want to be a good person for Royce to be with. Life is hard with 5 kids and a crazy wife, and he gave up alot to be with me. I want to make it worth it for him. This will entale losing weight. I've put so much weight on I don't know how he hasn't left already.

Sometimes I feel like I need to go to everyone who ever knew me, and something bad happened between us, or I was just frustrating to them, and introduce them to this little skeleton in my closet. Who finally fell out of the closet and broke into a million little pieces, no longer to be ignored or pushed back. The shit, the bones, are all over the floor now, and need to be cleaned up. But might explain some things to those people. Lets see - Karl, Sharon, Loida, Jerry, and god knows Mr. Leukert should know, William, Gina, just everyone. But I'm not that brave yet. And I'm sure there are so many more.

Getting excited about the apartment. I need a fresh new start.

Its nice to know I have something in common with Robin Williams too.

The length of this post probably means I'm a little manic.

There - I wrote about it. I feel better.

Happy Full Moon everyone. Will do something tonight.

2010-02-23T18:17:00.002-07:00

Looooooo
Oooooooo
Sssssssss
Ttttttttttttttt

Tonight.

40 minutes.

Why wasn't Kates name on the cave wall?

What are the numbers?

Is Jacob really good? (I think so)

What secret will be revealed tonite?

When will Sun and Jin meet?

Time to get LOST.....................

Magick

2010-02-18T06:34:00.001-07:00

Just gotta say ----- did a little Magick before work last night - to help me have a good night at work - and had a marvelous night with no snafus.

Gotta love it.

Valentine's

2010-02-18T04:28:00.004-07:00

So I had a really nice Valentine's. I got used to Valentine's sucking when I was married the first time. It never was anything. It always sucked. So I think I have just been conditioned to not expect anything. Except with the kids. I always like to get things from them and get them things. But not from a lover. Just my conditioning thats all. For a long time it was self-protection, you can't be disappointed if you don't expect anything. Then it just became the norm.

This year I guess I still didn't expect anything, even though Royce has always tried to make it special. Especially our first when I got my diamond heart necklace when we weren't even "going out" anymore. I love that thing more than my wedding ring.

I worked the night of the 13th till the morning of the 14th, so got off on Valentines morning. Royce picked me up - had two really good beers waiting for me in the car (cause you know you can't buy alcohol here until 10 on Sunday mornings cause your are supposed to get your ass into church). I had totally forgot that he was going to do that, and it really hit the spot after working 12 hours. He also had a Victoria's Secret bag with a little box that had chocolate covered strawberries in it, and another cool little box from Victoria's Secret with a gift certificate for $50 in it. He got me a gift certificate because he knows that since I've put on some weight in the last year I don't have a bra that fits, and he wanted to make sure I get one. Very nice. He also had a stuffed animal waiting for me and told me there were chocolates and roses waiting at home. I know, I know, all the mushy sickeningly sweet total cliche things for Valentine's - but I loved it. It feels nice to be spoiled. So we went to Rail. Had breakfast. I came home, saw the kids for a little bit, then went to sleep. He kept the house totally quiet so I could sleep. Woke up about 3, and he took me to a movie, I wanted to see Wolfman and so thats what we saw. It was my choice. It was really good too. Love Benecio. Love love love him. ( But he will always be Jackie Boy to me ). Before the movie we went to game works and had a few drinks while we were waiting for the movie to start. Played pool with a cute little couple. Saw the movie. Went to the Breakroom for a bit afterward. It was just a nice day all over. Simply so, but it had such a nice feeling to it. And he paid for everything. Up till now, I had predominantly been the one working by choice, and so we kinda just shared all the expenses. Not this year. It was very nice. I had a great Valentine's.

I in turn got Royce something he really wanted. An IPhone. Now we both have one. And we LOVE our phones. I don't know how I got along without it. And yesterday, Tyler just upgraded to one. I guess the whole fam is finally in the 21st century. Its about time.

Just had to brag a little about my great guy.

Love you Roycie.

Valentine's

2010-02-14T03:44:00.004-07:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!!!

I will go home and sleep for awhile, then Royce and I are going to go to dinner somewhere, don't know where yet, and then he is taking me to see Avatar. He has already seen it, but I haven't. So today should be fun.

I got all the kids some candy, and some little craft things to make while I am sleeping today. They all had their Valentine parties at school on Friday.

At work right now. Almost 4 am. Only 3 hours left.

Helping a little old man die tonight. Comfort measures only. Pushing the Ativan and the Morphine. For some reason its very satisfying to me to have patients like that. I really feel like I am doing something to help someone. Helping them die comfortably. Nice family. He is in the same room my dad was in before he went to Hospice. Kinda weird. I remember being the family. Maybe thats why I like doing it now. Taking care of them.

I miss buying my dad something for Valentines. He always liked the chocolates.

2010-02-10T13:09:00.001-07:00

It's a rainy day in Phoenix. And the worst day of my period. Spent all morning under the comforter in bed with my doggie, listening to the rain, and the wind, and the cars driving on the wet street. Being anemic. Have to work tonight, so just chillin the day away.

2010-02-09T12:35:00.007-07:00

So about a month or two ago, Sydney was walking through the neighborhood and witnessed a little dog being dumped on the side of the road. The people dumping it were in a truck and looked like they were in the process of moving - pickup truck full of house things. They simply slowed down (at least they did that) and dropped her onto the side of the road, then went on their way. Throw away doggie. She ran into the alley and hid inside a broken down couch. Syd found her, and brought her home. Of course. We threatened to take her to the pound, cause we already had 4 dogs. But she behaved, and we never got around to it. So Twiggy is still here. She is the ugliest dog we have ever had. But it turns out she is very young and very smart. So she is coming when we move.

About a month ago got a Facebook friend request from Larisa D. She was 2 years older than me in high school, worked alongside me in the music dept., although I don't know why, she had no talent whatsoever. She basically was adopted by a wealthy "I am Somebody in the Adventist Church" family, a doctor and his wife, had a learning disability but was given preferencial treatment by all the teachers because of who her dad was, so "passed" every class. She also was popular because of her dad and money status. She was a bitch to me. Not a smart one, but non-the-less a bitch, in private and around all the popular kids. Whatever. So she tries to friend me. Do you even remember high school or is your memory affected by your disability too? You wouldn't give me the time of day in high school, why are you friending me 20 years later. So I ignored the first request. Then she kept being persistent and asked again today. So I wrote her a message saying basically,
" Hope life is good for you and all, but no offense - we weren't friends in high school, you barely tolerated me, and were kinda mean. Why would we be friends now?
She wrote back and said I was immature. No other response from me. I just want her to leave me the fuck alone.

I'm not as nice as Jill Lewis.

Have a great life Larisa. But we will never be friends.
Peace out.

2010-02-07T19:51:00.002-07:00

Saints won!!! Yea!!!!!!!

Took some photos in the strip club -major no no.
Kinda cool pics.

Yea Saints!!!!!!!

2010-02-07T19:14:00.000-07:00

22 to 17 , Saints.
6 min to go.

2010-02-07T18:48:00.004-07:00

Got bored, and after the Who halftime show, decided to watch the other half at Bombshells. Kinda dead here tonight though. I guess it is a Sunday night. Music is still loud and great though.

On my second Adios Mutherfucker.

Go Saints

2010-02-07T17:34:00.003-07:00

Watchin the Super Bowl, sitting at the bar at The Breakroom. Not a football fan, but gonna half to root for the Saints. Mainly because of Katrina. They need a win. And the stupid guy who tattoos every signiture from the Colts team is a fucking loser. Can you imagine?Realy??So GO SAINTS!!! Waiting to watch The Who. Was gonna play some pool and kick Royces ass again, but don't want to lose my bar seats.

Never was a big football fan, but the guys are pretty hot.

Love the commercials. Watchin Betty White get tackled was pretty fucking awesome.

2010-02-05T10:05:00.002-07:00

Having a hard time with losing my house. I just get very sad about it. Waiting to move till April is excruciating. It feels like limbo. Like purgatory. We have to give up two of our dogs. It never was a great house. But it was mine. I enjoyed fixing it up and making a place for my kids. I can't let them see me cry about it. It will make it worse for them. So I cry when I am alone here. Alot of memories here. Good and bad. I just keep telling myself that we will be somewhere better, where everything works, be within our budget, and so can have nice things, and that as long as we are together we are ok, and that we will make this new place our home. But sometimes it just hits me - I won't be living here anymore. I'm losing my house. And it hits very hard.

I feel like such a failure and a bad parent. My mistakes have finally caught up with me and the direct result of th is losing the house. If it were just me and Royce it would be no big deal. But my kids. I know once we get moved in it should be better. I'm making sure we will have cable and Internet hooked up throughout. I am buying all the kids new beds. Right now Tyler has an air mattress, Sydney and Lyndsey sleep on the couch. Cheyenne sleeps with us or at Grandmas, and Ryan sleeps at grandmas. I'm buying new couches, our sectional is old and stained. Buying a dining set, we don't have one now. The new place should look really nice with all the new stuff. I just want a nice place for my family.

My demons have caught up with me.

2010-02-02T15:24:00.003-07:00

I photocopied DHARMA signs last time I worked, and put them up around the living room this afternoon. The huge air mattress is blown up and in front of the tv with my favorite comforter and 4 body pillows. Candles are burning. Cooking chicken and peppers right now, the smell infiltrating the house. Front door open. The candy, chips and dip, and snacks are waiting.

We are ready to get LOST.

4 and a half hours.

2010-02-02T09:31:00.004-07:00

I'm never clear whether Imbolc is the 1st or the 2nd. So I'm celebrating both days as a whole. Sometimes I frustrate myself with all or nothing, without even knowing I'm doing it. I've had this sage around the house for like over 6 months now, waiting for myself to thoroughly clean the house prior. Well today I'm going to sage the house. Clean up and do it. Perfect or not. I know we only have 2 months left in the house, but I want to establish some cleansing before I move. So I sage it today.

I borrowed money from my mom today. Once again, I fucked up the checking account. And it's Royces acct. I'm not allowed to have one. Yet. So I borrowed some money to get through till Friday. She made me feel like complete shit. No matter how much money I make I never seem to make it through the week. Money I have realized is my biggest challenge. I just can't seem to manage it. I never want to play victim, but I know that is a classic fallback/symptom of being bipolar. Fuck anyone who is reading this and critical of me. This is me, these are my mistakes. I've been bipolar for so long but just found out last year. But the mistakes I made because of it are still haunting me. Hence our move in April.

Doing this on my own, with no meds, no doctor, is hard. If I were my nurse I would consider myself a very bad noncompliant patient. Visiting with Sarah was good last night. Sometimes I feel like she is the only one who gets it. Which is kinda true.

Not been feeling bad lately. The manic kicks my butt but it passes.

Gonna have a little LOST party tonight. Snacks, food, pillows. Can't wait till 8.

2010-02-01T15:01:00.002-07:00

So, had to go to court today for my ticket. Stopped at the DMV first to get an ID cause the cop took mine at the accident. DMV wasn't that bad, about 45 minute wait. But I had to take the bus everywhere so it kind sucked. Was in court for about an hour and a half before the judge called my name. Actually, right before the asshole judge called my name he took lunch, and the judge taking over was cool. So, if I get my tickets paid and my lisence reinstated within 3 months the fine is only $112. Not bad, considering it is a Class one misdimeanor. This is like the most legal trouble I have ever been in. At 40. Kinda pathetic. I will totally value my lisence when I get it back. Definately a priveledge and not a right.

We had a police officer killed here last week. As much as a hate cops, I never want to see one die. As much as I think they are assholes for the most part, they are still protecting me. The officer made a routine traffic stop, and the passenger shot him in the face. DOA. Then a high speed, gun battle for 60 miles up to Superior. A nurse I work with new the officer, so I got all the details. And the best part is, the shooter and driver were taken to my hospital. Great. So why do the cops have to go to County, and the bad guys go somewhere nice? Makes no sense to me. If I were that guys nurse I'd put like a 14 gauge IV in the guys eyeball. Ok, maybe his penis. Lots of good veins there.

Got off the bus by my house, stopped by my favorite neighborhood ghetto bar. Had a double of Jager, a cheeseburger in front of me, and an Adios Mutherfucker in front of me to wash it down.

Am having dinner with Sarah at 6. God, I haven't seen her since November. It will be nice. Tyler will be my shofur (I know that's spelled wrong). He can make up a little for the 9 inch scar on my uterus I have from him. Okay, not his fault, but I still get a ride.

Happy Imbolc everyone. My 2nd anniversary of my initiation with Nikki.

New beginnings.

Namaste

(I love it that the cool old oriental guy from the Dharma Initiative always says "Namaste")

Solitary Confinement

2010-01-31T05:20:00.007-07:00

Slow night at work. Literally sat on the computer for hours last night. Quiet patients. At least I didn't fall asleep like I did the night before. God I was sleepy.

At that point, after my third nightshift where helping the little old lady off the bedpan is fucking annoying, and if I hear one more call light go off I feel like my head is going to explode. Shut the fuck up and sleep people!!! OMG

Thats 12 years of nursing for you, and the end of the third nightshift.

Did have a patient with a really funky weird diagnosis that I got to educate myself on. Foramen of Winslow hernia. Fascinating. Ever heard of it Heather?

Its nice to be challenged at work occasionally. I was challenged in OB alot more than in oncology.

Found a blog that I will be reading from now on, its new on the sidebar.
Solitary in Sanity. Stacey and Heather and Nikki, I'm sure you will all love reading it too.

Going to the Rail after work. I know I will stay there until after 10, so I can have a drink. Only going to have a few though, if that. Oh come on, you know it will be a few. Lying to myself isn't cool.

2 days till LOST. Can't wait. OMG. I've been trying to see spoilers on the internet. Not very successful. I wish I could have seen that first 4 minutes that got leaked out. I do hear that we find out what the smoke monster is in the first episode. I've missed my Sawyer so much.

Namaste everyone

Full Moon

2010-01-30T06:44:00.002-07:00

About 3 am I left my floor and went outside the hospital to just sit under the full moon. It was very big and bright. It is comforting to know that all around the world I have sisters that are doing the same thing.

I hate it when I have to work on the full moon. I feel disconnected. Actually going outside for a few mintues last night helped ground me a little. Working a nightshift thats a Friday AND a full moon isn't exactly the ideal shift for any hospital worker anyhow. Surprisingly, our floor was pretty quiet. There were some bad things that came into the ER though. Things I don't want to know I am sure.

I am finding that my beliefs and the Craft help me with my moods. I am going to dedicate myself on a much more serious level this year. I don't make new year's resolutions anymore. I never keep them. But my goal for this year is to simplify my life, and to bring peace in my home and life. Concentrating on the Craft I feel will help this.

Happy Full Moon everyone.

There is beauty in everything, and Magick abounds.

Blessed Be.

2010-01-28T03:28:00.003-07:00

I took the girls to see the apartment yesterday. I think they liked it. They are very upset about moving. I know it will be better for everyone, but this house is the only home either one of them have ever known. And bad or good, it is their comfort zone. And Syd is all about her comfort zone. Lyndsey is alot harder to read. Very protective of her feelings. Never shows anything. But I can tell. She is less upset than Syd though, and Lyndsey will adapt. Thats just how she is. They went into a 3 bedroom and saw what theirs is going to look like. I think they are a little excited too. I hope. I know it will take time. And Tyler saw the outside of them. He wants to move somewhere more upscale. This is it buddy. I'm not going to make him share a room, and he is happy about that. And we will have cable and internet and everything. He said he will set my sound system up for me. Set everything up. I think Tyler actually wants to move to a place where everything works and is clean. He said he wants to. The two little ones know we are moving, but are both pretty easy to please. They say they want to move. Some moments I am excited, and others I am sad. But I am going.

Last week I was driving my mom's car and someone ran into us. Syd and Lynds were in the back seat and the guy plowed into Lyndsey's side. Just lost control of his car I guess. Everyone was fine, including Lyndsey. Not one scratch. But the car was pretty much totalled. And I was driving on a suspended lisence (hadn't paid speeding tickets). So now I have to go to court and get a whopping fine. Which I deserve. And worse, my mom has no car now. She is in the middle of dealing with the insurance. It was the other guy's fault. So I hope they help her get one. I'm sure she will be glad when I am not right behind her. When there is some distance. I feel like she hates me. Kirk helped her with the car. And he is helping her get another one I think. So that is nice of him. God knows all I do is cause her misery. I won't touch the next car.

I am in love with my I Phone. It has my music which I can take anywhere, a great phone with all the bells and whistles, internet at the touch of my finger. And tons of apps. Love it. Love love love it.

One week till LOST. Can't wait.

Happy early birthday Nikki. Did you know its a full moon the 29th? Very cool.

Heather - been thinking about you and Jessie. You are in my thoughts.

Peace out.

2010-01-21T09:41:00.002-07:00

There ain't no rest for the wicked
money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
nothin in this world for free

I can't slow down
I can't hold back
although you know I wish I could

there ain't no rest for the wicked
till we close our eyes for good

To Know How To Win

2010-01-21T04:53:00.003-07:00

It looks like we will be moving.

This is all very bitter sweet for me.

It will be close to home.

(I guess "home" is now a relative term.)

Many good things.

Many sad things.

I have to focus on the positive and whats best for the family.
And this is it.

Very nice place.
***************************

I've been so stressed lately, with my "world" of problems. Wallowing a little.

Then I get to work and my patient has just been told he has HIV.

And I watched as they pulled that little boy in Haiti from the rubble. Orphaned now, and dehydrated, (after how many days???) - but alive.

And all the heart breaking scenes from the hell-hole that Haiti is now.

I have a roof.
I have choices.
I have food.
I am disease free.
I don't have to bury anyone.
And if I did I would have a place to do it.
I have clean water.

Perspective is always a good thing.
***************************************

Nonetheless, I have become a statistic.
Thats how I feel.

And..... a little part of me will die when I move.

I keep hearing Steven Tyler in "Dream On".

Sometimes you gotta lose ..... to know how to win.

Rushin' in to Pat your back

2010-01-16T02:36:00.002-07:00

Rush Limbaugh or Pat Robertson?
Which do I like less?
Shining examples of why I hate Christians AND Republicans.

I'm probably gonna have to go with Pat.
Pat is a COMPLETE idiot, and feels the need to prove it.
Whereas Rush is just an asshole.
I can tolerate asshole better than stupid.

You can't cure stupid.

Just a couple of questions.

1. Who were all those Evangalists making "pacts" with when they paid those Escort services? With God's money?

Hmmmmmmm.............could it be ........ S A T A N ?!?!?!?!?!

2. And how much Percocet did Rush buy with Politically donated dollars or tax money?

Just sayin'.

Those sure are pretty glass houses that Pat and Rush are living in.
Oh wait ................
Its just the Crystal Cathedral.

2010-01-12T16:53:00.002-07:00

The downside of up.

Is there one?

Ga ga ooh la la

Christmastime is Here

2009-12-25T22:57:00.006-07:00

That is my all-time favorite Christmas song. The Charlie Brown one.

Merry Christmas everyone.

The kids are all happy with their presents, so its a good Christmas. Went to my mom's for dinner, but she is so unpleasant to be around, I just ate and left. Its hard to describe, her behaviour, but its really hard to be around. As long as everyone has food in front of them she thinks things are as they should be. And thats just not enough. She just acts so miserable. I would rather eat at McDonald's on Christmas than to have a meal prepared by someone so unhappy and just stressed out. So I ate and left. Tried to lay down a little, but I hurt so bad today I could't sleep. Its midcycle when I ovulate and it always hurts bad, but actually interrupted sleep today. Watch me have some cantalope sized tumor growing in there and end up with like a colostomy or better yet 6 months to live. There is just so much pressure. They told me my uterus is completely inverted, upside down, and the top of it, my fundus, is sitting right on top of my rectum. Nice. So I couldn't sleep. It feels better now though. And I did something to my back the last time I worked. I helped Ralph move his patient up in bed - this useless, dead weight, helpless pt - and I felt it when it happened. And it has hurt ever since. So between my cramps and my back, it was just a shitty afternoon. Better now though.

Like I said, the kids are all happy with their presents, so I had a successful Christmas. I've been looking forward to it being over. I tried very hard to not let the kids know I was upset today. They played forever with all their new toys, got a Wii, and they played that a long time, I heard Cheyenne singing Rudolph the red nosed reindeer throughout the day. Then she played with her kitchen in her new princess dress for a long time. Ryan played his Indiana Jones Wii game foreved, and he got Optimus Prime and Bumblebee too. They seemed to all be in their own little wonderful Christmas world. Which is how I wanted it. Had a very hard time today though. My mood, it was just one of those bad days. Just so sad this afternoon. Just sat in the bathtub and cried and cried. And sat there. Then got into bed. It actually felt like I needed to come back to the hospital for awhile today. That bad. But I knew it would pass, and it did. But it got better, I'm learning how to cope through the moods, and then to get out of them. I guess I will have to do this the rest of my life. So I better learn. It got better before I came to work tonight. Actually I'm better at work most times.

Syd always knows when I'm not ok though. She always makes me feel better. And I got out of the bathtub and snuggled up with the dog under the covers naked. I love my Tebs. He always makes me feel better too.

I got 3 Christmas cards this year. One from my Uncle Paul and Aunt JoAnn, one from Sarah and Lisa, and one from William and Talese.

I think I sent out 22. All with a picture of the kids in them.

We watched Marley and Me last night. Cried my eyes out. I hate that. Good movie though. I know the days will come when I will have to be there for Tebs and make that decision. Until then, he's the best dog ever. Can't think about that time.

I gave my mom some presents, and Peggy and her kids. Actually Peggy was just about the only bright moment of the day. She always is so silly. Always makes me laugh. Especially when we haven't seen each other for awhile. She got me a snowglobe, but I haven't even seen it yet, like I said, I ate and left. My mom gave me money, that I don't even want. When I buy her presents, its cause I really want to. When she gives gifts its out of obligation pretty much. I don't want anyone obligated to give me anything, especially my mom. Sometimes I feel like she really doesn't like me. Really disappointed in how I turned out. What kind of mom I am. On Christmas Eve she told me how stupid it was to be watching a movie with the kids. Like it was a waste of time. I should be doing better things with them. I walked over to my house after that conversation, whipstering "Well, fuck you" under my breath. I had worked the night before, was excited about sitting down as a family and watching a movie on Christmas Eve, got Panda Express for everyone. I was looking forward to it. And then she just says shit that is like a huge drenched overcoat that someone threw over you. Wet, heavy, and hard to get out under from. My dad used to call them "Money wrenches". "Garnet always has to throw a monkey wrench in and ruin things." Somehow I honestly don't know how he lived that long with her. And hopefully he has some peace now. But its still Mom. This last year has been much more peaceful for us. A lot less fighting. I haven't done anything to upset her, of course except not believe in god. And she just acts like she can't stand me. I hope me and Syd and Lyndsey are never never like that. But me and my teenagers are way different than Mom and I were at that age. So I think we will always be close. I hope so. I need them.

We liked the movie.

I missed my Dad today.

Tyler was here last night, Christmas Eve, and opened up all of his presents and I gave him his money. I spent about $250 on each kid, and only $90 on him for presents - got him socks and underwear and shirts and stuff - so I gave him $150. He left afterward with Tayler and they drove to San Diego to be with her family. I thought I would be nice and let him go. She asked me a while ago and I said ok if he would be here on Christmas Eve. I would have liked to have seen him today, but I did call him, and I have to realize that he is getting older and wanting to do his own thing. I would have loved to go to San Diego over Christmas with my boyfriend when I was that age. And we all know how that wouldn't have happened with my parents. He has been listening and obeying the rules alot better lately, so I thought I would give him a little slack.

Kirk didn't see the kids at all today. I think they wanted to stay with me today, and that made him mad (which we all know is a pretty much a baseline for his personality - always mad about something (( you know why divorce is expensive? Because its worth it)) ). Well Kirk, have fun with your big boat, with your nice car and house, all your gadgets, ------ cause I got the best present today - I got the KIDS. They know who they want to be with. My priceless present.

He's probably going to withhold Chrismas presents from them now. Knock yourself out honey, whatever it takes to make you feel like a man. To feel in control.

I was so sad about Brittany Murphy. I can't believe she is dead. I just loved her. Everything I ever saw her in - especially Girl Interrupted, and Sin City. And Don't Say A Word. I feel so bad for her and her family. I loved her. Alot of us did. Her funeral was on Chrismas Eve. And I read that among the many prescription meds she was on, she was on carbamazepine (Tegretol) the same thing I was on. For the same thing. She was Bipolar too. Makes you think. I will miss her.

And here in Phoenix an Amber Alert was issued today. Some psycho creep was at an apartment complex this afternoon, Chrismas day, taking pictures of kids as they played with their new Christmas toys ourside. He tried to assault one of the older girls, tried to pull her pants down, then apparently grabbed the 5 year old and forced her into his car. This happened at like 2:15 in the afternoon. Makes me sick. I can't even imagine. She is so beautiful too. You know we will never see her alive again. What a fucking bastard. God I wish I made the rules. Breaks my heart and terrifies me to think of my precious 5 year old Cheyenne. Playing with her Christmas presents today.

Go here to see her picture and read about it:
http://www.kansascity.com/news/nation/story/1650713.html

Isn't she beautiful?????????
Bastard.

I keep thinking about what is going on with her, to her - right now. Christmas night.

Kind of a melancholy Christmas for me. I'm glad my family had a good day though.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas.

Cathy - what happened to your mom? Can I do anything to help?
Hope she is ok.

****************************************
December 26 at 1213 am - No details yet, but little Natalie has been found, alive I think.
Just found out.

****************************************
December 26 at 1257 am - UPDATE

Natalie Flores, 5, was found alive tonight at about 9 pm after being abducted by a stranger in front of her apartment complex by a stranger.

And Amber Alert went out, and at about 9 pm a police officer spotted the truck in question. She was still in the truck with the guy who took her and the policeman rescued her safely. AND caught the guy.

Alot can happen in 7 hours with a child molestor.

But she is ALIVE and back with her family.
Glad I was wrong.

Christmas just got a lot better.

Goodwill Toward Men - without God

2009-12-20T10:45:00.002-07:00

Very interesting article.

If you're intelligent enough to grasp it.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/belief/2009/dec/08/religion-society-gregory-paul

LOST Quiz

2009-12-19T07:22:00.001-07:00

Can you pass this?

http://lost.about.com/library/quiz/bl_100hours_quiz.htm

2009-12-19T00:39:00.003-07:00

Mr Lucero died a couple of days ago. Apparently the day the paramedics were at his house they took him to the hospital where he was diagnosed with pneumonia. A few days after that he went to Hospice. So the feeling I got wasn't one of immediate death, but it was on its way. I will miss him. He was a really nice man. And one of those people/things that have always been in my life - a constant - that is no longer here. I'm sure there will be alot more constants that disappear.

I tried to work everynight this week. I have to make 2 house payments by January 2nd. So this was the only paycheck to do it in. I worked one extra shift last week, as soon as I found out what I needed to do, was cancelled on Sunday, worked an extra 8 hour shift on Monday, was cancelled Tues night, and now have worked my regular shifts of Wed, Thurs, and Fri this week. Tonight, Saturday night they have a hole in the schedule and I signed up for it. Hopefully they will need me at 7pm and I will get to work on my floor with all my same patients. That would be ideal. But I will offer to float. I just really need this shift. I've been lighting candles all week and meditating on it all week. I really need this shift. I will be in trouble with the house if I don't.

I feel like I haven't seen my family all week. I hate that. But I've got to make this payment.

Still have some Christmas shopping to do. For the kids mostly. And we won't be able to go to our hotel this year. I guess that really is a luxury, but the kids love it so much. I will have to plan better next year. I do hope to go to ZooLights though.

Tyler and Taylor have been in the midst of a break up for the last month. Off and on again. I think they finally patched things up and are back on. I'm glad for that. I really like Taylor, and I know she really loves Tyler.

WARNING: LOST update (in case you haven't seen it yet Stacey)

We watched all of Season 5 of Lost except the two last episodes. We will probably watch these on Sunday night. It is so good. I can't wait until February. I hope Season 6 explains alot of things. Like the smoke monster. And who Jacob is. The show just sucks me in. Can't wait. And I know Juliet dies. Good. I'm tired of her. And I'm loving the storyline about Miles. The time travel is a little exhausting, but I think I'm keeping up ok. I was a little sad to see Faraday go. He kind of grew on me. Charlotte I didn't like, but would have kept her around for Faraday. And I'm getting really curious about the storyline with Widmore and Eloise Hawking. And can't wait till Jin and Sun see each other again. Hmmmmmmmmmm. Anyhow - yeah, sucked in.

Stacey, right now I only have internet at work, and it won't let me access your blog anymore. You must have put some hot pictures on there or something, cause it denies my access. Didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I was reading like everyday, but then all of a sudden it won't let me anymore.

Anyhow, hope everyone is having a nice Christmas.

13 Laws of Magick

2009-12-11T02:20:00.005-07:00

1: Magic, like all areas of life, is subject to karma.
2: What you believe you can achieve.
3: Attitude is everything.
4: Do everything you can to achieve your goal on a mundane level.
5: The props of a spell are effective only because of how they support
your mind; it is your mind that does the real work of magic.
6: True magic stands the test of time.
7: If you can't meditate, you can't do magic.
8: The best spell is one you write yourself.
9: The closer you are to the Goddess, the more powerful your magic will be.
10: Magic is aided by joy & delight and impeded by manipulation &
negative feelings.
11: There are no exceptions to the Wiccan Rede and The Three-fold Law.
12: Questionable motives produce questionable results.
13: Magic works within, not against, the laws of nature.

Found this at Magical Moon's website. Thought it was worth writing, if for nothing else so I can refer back to it whenever I need to. I like it. Need to heed it.

Have had a hard time getting in the holiday spirit lately. But am trying. It is getting better. The kids really help.

Finally got to watch us some LOST. Season 5 - the best $37 I have spent in a long time. I'm gonna miss Locke.

I think something happened to my neighbor, Mr. Lucero. I have lived next to him my entire life (he actually lives next to my mom). He is about 90, but in really good health. Walks everywhere for hours at a time. Lately been having some heart problems though. This morning there was a fire truck and an ambulance at his house. They took him out on a gurney. No one seemed to be moving very fast, and they didn't leave fast. But the thing that got me wondering was that none of his family went with him. His wife and two daughters who live there were in the house, and never walked him out to the ambulance, or went with him. Soon after he left his other daughter showed up at the house, and her truck was there all day. A few hours later one daughter left. I feel like he passed away. I'm sure I will find out soon enough. Its weird, this morning upon waking, Cheyenne was sleeping next to me. Upon waking I had this immediate, very morbid thought about what it would be like if I woke up one morning and I found her dead in her sleep. I chalked it up to being a paranoid parent. When maybe it was in the process of happening around me, and I picked up on it, and when I woke up she was the closest person to me, so I thought of her. I hope he is ok. But if he did pass away - to pass away in your sleep at 90 - very lucky soul.

Working an extra shift tonight. I offered to float, and they floated me to the surgery center. I was a little apprehensive, but this is the nicest place I have ever worked I think - its like a spa. Such a nice nice night. Its lovely here. And if there is ever an opening - I am on it. Believe it.

I guess there are things about Scottsdale that are just lovely. This is one of them.

Helped Syd make Lost Dog signs for Pepe. She lost another one of her little dogs.

New pictures from Craig !!!

2009-12-03T04:51:00.001-07:00

Craig has new pictures !!!

http://craigaio.blogspot.com/
(or click on the link on my sidebar)

2009-12-03T03:47:00.002-07:00

`Interrupting LOST for the Olympics…………

Jack would try to fix it.

Kate would run to somewhere they were broadcasting it.

Locke would say it was the will of the island.

Saywer would con someone at ABC to air it anyhow.

Hurley would go with the flow – not wanting to fight about it.

Sayid would hold someone at knife point until they aired it.

Ben would consult Jacob about it.

And Jacob would speak and it would be aired.

****************************************

I found out that they are NOT going to interrupt the season for the Olympics.
Yay!!!

I've been cheating a little - reading things online before I watch Season 5.

Next Tuesday. 4 more days.

So we are going to have to interrupt our first night of watching in like 2 months to watch the end of The Biggest Loser. What to do, what to do. Lost, Loser, then Lost I guess. Lots of TV watching that night. You know we will be up late that night.

********************

And Heather - I've been totally thinking about you lately. I had two dreams about you recently, one was last night. Only good things.

I miss you so much.

Lost Cause

2009-11-28T05:03:00.003-07:00

The biggest controversy of all time........

Will season 6 of LOST be interrupted by the Winter Olympics?

http://screenrant.com/lost-final-season-6-interrupted-winter-olympics-ross-32182/comment-page-1/#comment-156788

Personally, I wouldn't watch the Olympics if LOST was on, hell I wouldn't watch the Second Coming if LOST was on, but I've been waiting so long just for season 5 ( I can get it on December 8, yay !!!!) that its not that big of a deal to miss a few weeks in the middle. Its not like its going to ruin anything.

Sure that's what I say now.

I had to leave a comment though.

December 8th is a Tuesday. You know we will be staying up all night watching.

10 days.

2009-11-27T03:51:00.001-07:00

Black Friday is officially the beginning of Christmastime.

Thanksgiving was good. A small crowd this year, just me and Royce and the kids, my mom't cousin and my mom. Mom did all the cooking as usual.

Watched the parade, the dog show, and Home Alone. Love that movie.

I miss my dad.

2009-11-24T05:11:00.001-07:00

Worked tonight for Michelle, cause it was her boyfriends birthday.
And she is working my Wednesday, so I get Thanksgiving Eve off.
Yay !!!

Tonight was one of those nights that make me ask myself why I became a nurse.
What was I thinking?
Haven't had one of those in a long time.

But in 2 hours I get to go home....
And sleep.

So its all good.

Finally saw Twilight.
Edward is so beautiful.

2009-11-21T06:25:00.001-07:00

I took myself off of my extra shift tonight. Not feeling well, got a cold methinks.

My Prince Charming

2009-11-20T05:53:00.002-07:00

We haven't had a bank account for some time. Owed the bank money, yadda yadda yadda. So yesterday, Royce went to clear some things up with the bank, and got another one started. So we are feeling good about that. This time we are going to be much more careful and appreciative of it. So that is on the right track. Last week he installed our new hot water heater and a few days ago fixed the pipe that attaches to the roof so it would pass the inspection, and yesterday the gas company came out and turned our gas back on. So now we have hot water again. You don't know whatcha got till its gone, trust me. We were showering over at my mom's. I'm sure she is happy about it too. And last night I signed up for 2 extra shifts on the pay period that will finance Christmas. So, things are getting better and better.

The kids teeth are finally getting done, its a long process, with lots of dental procedures. Its funny how I have 3 dads for my kids, but only one of them - Royce - actually contributes to any of their medical/dental expenses. ALL of the kids medical expenses have been left up to me and Royce. Mike and Kirk have NEVER helped with those. But we are finally getting it done. At the beginning of next year, 2010, we will both have flexible spending accounts with the maximum allowed, so we will have $10,000 of pretaxed money to spend on everyone. The plan is to get all the cavities and fillings fixed in 2010, then to get the braces started.

After I went to work last night, Royce came home, cleaned the kitchen, did all the dishes. Next weekend we are taking a day and mega-house cleaning. Every room, thoroughly. So those are my plans for next weekend. Exciting, huh?

Royce and Tyler haven't gotten along for a long time. Probably from the start. There was always that tension - at first Royce "taking" Mom away, then as the years went on, disagreeing with him, Tyler not liking things Royce did - and alot of it rightfully so - as far as the house went and drinking etc. Well, Royce had a talk with Tyler last night. Apologized for things, and let Tyler know that he is committed to the house and our family. Its one of those things I wanted Royce to do, but don't want him to do it unless he means it, so kinda has to do it on his own, not because I'm asking him to. Well, last night he did. I am so happy about this. I know trust takes a long time, but I think things are going to go smoother from now on.

I'm so lucky to have Royce. He has never been or will be a domestic person. He just isn't. It was alot to have him want to be part of my life enough to get married and to take on my 4 kids and my house, and my life. It feels so good to have him help me with the bills and the house and the kids. And to mean it and want it. I have never had this with a guy. Kirk never helped me, and was always so mean. I would never have left him if he hadn't been so mean. But I could only take so much. When I left, and realized that Mike wasn't going to help me either, I kinda accepted the fact that it was me and the kids on our own. But then Royce came along. We have had our share of problems, but he really really loves me and I love him to pieces. It was instant from our first date - and we knew it. I don't write about him very often. Maybe I should. Just wanted to today.

Love you Roycie.

Chinese Water Dragon

2009-11-19T03:38:00.007-07:00

Got to spend a little time with Dad tonight. My patient Mr. H has alot of the same mannerisms, says the same things, just acts the same way as Dad did. And I would bet he has undiagnosed Parkinson's. He has that shuffle, the slow speech. And he laughs the same way as Dad, and at the same things. Kinda felt like I was hanging out with Dad for a little while. It was nice.

And you know I was at his beck and call all night. Without a complaint.

Tuesday was Syd's birthday. She is 15 now. Boy does time fly. I kept trying to remember what I was doing that day at different times, 15 years ago. When I woke up with contractions, when I went to the hospital, when they admitted me, when I got my epidural, when I delivered. When I saw her for the first time. What she looked like. Just all of it. I don't think I have ever been in that much gut-wrenching god awful pain in my entire life - all other deliveries put together. She was OP which is sunny-side up, which now I know, made it a lot worse. Nurse Bitch turned my epidural off at the end (I've done that so many times myself). I think I begged for death like 100 times.

But you know, I'd do it all over a hundred times now - for my Syd.

I got her a Chinese Water Dragon. Its a little lizard. Actually pretty cute. I had never even heard of one, but she asked for one, so I thought I would try it. We named it Mu Shu, after the little Chinese Dragon in Mulan. Got her some music CDs and video games that she asked for. Got almost everything on her list. She even asked for a balloon. Got her a musical birthday card that has dogs barking on it. A pair of socks with chihuahuas on it. A chihuahua charm bracelet. The movie "Beverley Hills Chihuahua." (Notice the theme here?) She wanted to go to the Chinese Cultural Center for dinner, so we all went there. She had her favorite - fried rice with veggies. Tyler had to work, but Taylor came with us. Seems like lately she is Tyler's stand in when he can't or won't be here.

Over all it was a very nice day. I"m very close with Syd. Even at 15. I think this is a major mother-daughter accomplishment that I am very ok with. I know I certainly didn't feel about my mom at 15 the way she feels about me.

Love me my Syd.

*********************************

Sidenote:
Is is wrong that I wash my hands more after touching a morbidly obese patient? You know, the 500 plussers?

Just sayin.

Half Life

2009-11-16T11:40:00.009-07:00

Well, I've discovered the half life of Tegretol.
Ok, the WHOLE life, cause right now is when I have come back to myself.
Just in time for the holidays, I guess.
Whole life must be 6 weeks. It was the last week of September that I ingested my last dose.

Is it so unlike me to go against what the doctors say?
Not really. And once again, I am SO ok with it.

Dropped the kids off to school. Needed some me time. Went to the Rail. Had french toast and sausage. With syrup= yum. And long islands. Fed some money into the juke box, listened to all the great voices.

Its weird, cause when you think of drugs, and being altered, you think of alcohol, and meth, and pot, and cocaine, and all those street friendly drugs.

But thats not the jist of it.
There is blank......
the dead.......
the white.......
the blah.......
the even......
the bland.....
the white noise........
and all of this under a doctor's care.
This is the intended effect of the meds.

I learned about bipolar in school.
How people are very non-compliant because the drugs take the "high" away.
Well, the drugs took ME away.
And I would rather have a bad day.
OK, a hundred, thousand bad days,
than to be NOT me.
Than to never feel again.

I put on Amy Winehouse - and felt her.
And Comfortably Numb. And I was.
And Korn. And felt I was Coming Undone.

There is this thing, I can't really explain it, its probably one of those things only kindred spirits can know. Its a physical surge, a physical climax, during certain music. It will hit me unexpectedly, but is is all too genuine. Maybe I'm speaking in bipolar, or in musician language, I don't really care. I can only describe it. It kinda starts in my lower back, and goes all the way up to my head, or jaw, or somewhere, a tingling. It when music really gets me. Its never the "right" music, the right group, it never listens to the appropriate. It just is. It only happens when I feel it. And it happened today. Its been so long. I used to feel it all the time. During Mozarts requiem, during the cantata at Tempe church for christmas, during Butterfly kisses, during Manson. It is a nondiscriminatory feeling. It is blind to the "right kind" of music. It happens when it happens. And it is happening again.

I WILL NEVER TAKE TEGRETOL AGAIN.

My half life is over.
My whole life is back.
Bad or good.

I am too great of a person, to not be me.

To not be me.

The 5 stages of Loss.
Kubler Ross.
I recognize a little denial lately. That this isn't really me. That I was misdiagnosed. That its over, It isn't happening anymore.

That THEY were wrong.

BUT.....
I just need to accept it, and deal with it, and embrace it, and recognize it.

Me is someone I need to get to know and accept, but someone I've known all along.

I can smell the winter grass again.
I can feel Manson again.
And Diana Krall.
And Sinatra.
And Chopin.
I can taste a raindrop again.
And cheesecake.
And the cool breeze.
And the orgasms of life.
The plain and simple that are just glorious.
Me.

Me.

Me.

I never knew how brave I needed to be.

Prejean the Karma Queen

2009-11-15T04:11:00.006-07:00

"And you know what, in my country, in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody out there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you very much.”

-Carrie Prejean

Were you raised to make a video of yourself masterbating too?

jesus fucking christ

When you go public as a saint,
karma has a way of writing your name in the sand,
in the form of a video that surfaces.
Christians should be quiet, until they are perfect.
Or at least keep the camcorder off.

And who says there isn't such a thing as Karma.

What It Takes to Let You Go

2009-11-09T08:39:00.007-07:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2009/nov/09/aerosmith-guitarist-steven-tyler

Can all this craziness be true?
Can it be possible?
My Baby quitting after 40 years?
My world is crumbling.
Life as I know it is over.

Steven can't be gone.

(If it is true, its kinda cool that I got to see one of the last concerts.)

But seriously, this can't be happening.

Maybe I will wake up and the world will just be the way it should be.

What am I going to do?

Pictures of the House

2009-11-03T17:05:00.010-07:00

My Living Room

This is where we do all of our LOST watching

My Sweet Tebs

Check out the tongue

No more pictures!!!

The picture I drew on the wall in the dining area

Ryan - Isn't he getting big?

My House

Yes, this REALLY is my address. Cool eh?

My backyard - I just planted the bouganvilla and grasses against the fence

Looking at my mom's house from my yard, the house I grew up in.

The view from my front porch - the spooky old house is over in that lot

Lyndsey laughing at Charlie the Unicorn

The newest additions to our family - Suicune and Mew

Pics of the Kids

2009-11-03T12:02:00.003-07:00

Tyler kickin back

Princess Lyndsey

Best Buds

Chynesta loving the camera

Sydney and her sweet self

Happy November

2009-11-03T10:54:00.002-07:00

So my mom and Mrs. P have been friends for like 40 years. Best friends. The P's and my parents were best friends for ever. Went to the same church, my mom and her taught Cradle Roll together forever. A year or so ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer, got treated, and hoped that it was gone. Of course, lots of praying in the mean time. But the doctors wouldn't totally say it was gone. So now, they found it again, and it has spread. My mom was talking to me yesterday about it, said that Jean was worried because her chemo was going to cost like $6000 a month and there was no way she could afford that. So she was going to pray that if doing the chemo was the right thing, that god would provide. So later that day she got a call from the insurance company telling her her co-pay was going to be only $5 a month. This of course was recieved with much thanking of god and praising the good Lord for working a miracle.

My question is, you know, if god was really in charge of the miracles, why wouldn't he just spare you of the cancer in the first place?

Just a question.

Anyhow, I'm glad she will have her meds paid for. I hope she will get better. And if believing in Santa Claus helps her get through this, well, then more power to her. Who am I to tell a cancer victim that their prayers just hit the ceiling?

Went to lunch with Jill yesterday. It was really nice. Caught up with her on facebook. She is doing so well. We talked about alumni. It just cracks me up how people treated her back in April at alumni. People that made every waking moment of her high school experience, all 4 years, a living hell - are like "Hey Jill! Oh my god, so glad to see you", want to sit by her, all interested in her life now, all playing nice nice. Now that she has money, and success, a hot car - everything in life that the world considers success - she has. So different from what was her reality in high school. A living hell, with not one friend, and everyday people torturing her. She works for Richmond American Homes, who control 35% of the housing market here, is Vice President of the division in Scottsdale, sells land to huge huge sub-divisions. Is her own boss, and just got an award yesterday for not only being the youngest vice president at 39 years old, but also the first female. She drive a hot little sports car. She is attractive, still has a nice hot little body. And she is happy. Has a wonderful husband and life is good. I am SO happy for her. I remember high school. I saw it happening, couldn't stop it, but I also chose not to take part in it. She said I was one of the very few people in high school that she considered a friend. I am so happy for her. At alumni Colleen, who wouldn't give Jill the time of day in high school, much less be seen with her, was all up in her business, so interested, so "into" Jill now. She kept quizzing her about her life. Wouldn't let me talk to Jill at all. Its like "Jill's life can't possibly be better than mine, I have to find something wrong with it." Colleen was so pretentious too. She could barely stand sitting at the same table as me. Its like, you know, 20 years after high school your big career move is to work for Starbuck's selling cups of coffee making 8 bucks an hour. And you are looking down at anyone? She just hasn't progressed very much from high school. I almost expected to see a Karmex container at her side at all times. And Colleen wasn't the only one. All of these people, that were so mean to her, looked down on her, treated her so badly - she is doing so much better than all of them.

The best revenge is living well I guess.

Halloween went well. Trick or treating was great, as always. The kids were so cute. Loida actually came over to see me that day. I wasn't home, the kids had her come inside and visited for awhile. It was Jazmin's birthday, and apparently all she wanted to do for her birthday was to come to our house. Ahhhh............
I haven't talked to Loida for a year and a half. I miss her. Maybe things will finally get better between us.

We got a hot water heater. Royce is in the process of hooking it up. We haven't have hot water for god knows how long. Finally, little by little, things are getting better for us. We are going to fix the front and back doors in a week or so.
Baby steps.

Watched TROY last night. I had never seen it. My god, is that boy fine. Love my Brad Pitt. A little violent, but the hotness surpassed any negativity from the bloodshed. Great story too. Yeah, one of those stories I was never taught during my great adventist education. The whole Helena of Troy, yeah, didn't know she was the face that launched a thousand ships. Didn't realize it was the same story with the big Trojan horse. Didn't know it was Greek mythology, probably didn't actually happen. Yeah, didn't know any of that.

But I know that Ellen White and the Kelloggs cereal guy were some how related.
Yeah, that kinda information is really gonna get me far in the real world.
Thanks Thunderbird. Money well spent.

I totally found Hal Stephens on Facebook. Found him from your page Steph. I wrote to him, he wrote back, its so weird. Its been 20 years since I have talked to him. he is doing a lot of music. Actually is really really good. Here is the link to the songs on his MySpace.
http://www.myspace.com/stillroadmusic

I love reconnecting. With good people.

Syd's camera is working, and now we have internet, and so I am going to attempt to take some pictures today and post them. Pics of the house, the kids, etc.

I got Syd a little "emergency bag" for her locker at school. She will be 15 on the 17th of this month. She hasn't started yet. She is going to any minute. I don't want her to be at school, totally unprepared. It can be devastating enough when it first happens even if you are prepared. I just want her to be ok. So I bought a little make-up bag and put in it 6 little pads, some little wipes, a new pair of undies, and a bottle of Motrin. I also got a pair of pants to keep in her locker. She is totally uncomfortable with the whole thing, just wants to forget it and act like it will never happen. My precious little Syd. Its almost time.

Well, I best be getting the house cleaned. Am cleaning my bedroom today. It is a biohazard zone at this point. Bought new sheets, a new comforter, am going to put curtains up in front of the closet, the doors came off. Am going to rearrange and make it look nice in there. Everything will be matching too. The walls are purple and red, and everything I got is maroon. Got to make our love nest a pretty place.

Namaste and Happy November

Happy Halloween !!!!!

2009-10-31T09:00:00.005-07:00

Happy Halloween!!!!
Happy Samhain!!!

Hope everyone is having a happy Halloween. We will be going trick-or-treating tonight. Sydney is a cat, Lyndsey a fairy, Ryan a phantom, and Cheyenne a diva-cat. They all got to wear their costumes to school yesterday. I will probably put my witch hat on, but that will probably be about it for me. We may go to the Tempe Halloween party at Kiwanis Park too, maybe. If we aren't too tired.

Across from our house is a huge lot. I may have mentioned this before. It looks like a huge empty lot, but if you look close there is actually a house there. Its this creepy old house. It used to belong to this old man who lived there forever, but he died and left it to his grandkids. Now there are a whole bunch of college kids living there. I always thought it would be a great place for a Haunted House. Well, last night they had this huge costume party. I swear there had to be a couple hundred college kids there. I am directly across from the house. The music woke me up at about 10 pm, and it just got louder from there. It was pretty cool though, I'm not gonna complain. They had this huge bonfire, and a DJ and everything. Well, someone didn't think it was too cool and at about 1 am it got busted. I don't know what the complaint was or what they were doing in there, but there were at least 15 cop cars, all with their lights on, and they even sent the police helicopter out (AKA the ghetto bird). It was pretty exciting. It went on for hours. I woke Syd up and we sat on the porch in a blanket and watched the action for a long time. Hoards of kids in costumes kept vacating the property. There wasn't ever an ambulance, so I don't think anyone got hurt, but there might have been a fire truck for the bonfire. We went to bed at about 3, and the cops were still there. Somebody went to jail. It was cool. It was probably drugs and underage drinking for that many cops to be there.

Think about all the real crime the cops evaded dealing with some crazy college kids.

I hate cops.

But it was entertaining.

Royce and me and the kids are all about to go to breakfast at the Rail.

Happy Halloween.

2009-10-27T13:58:00.002-07:00

And of course, I didn't work that night. Of course. But I will still have 8 extra hours on this check. I tried. Have been cooking some at home, chicken, roasts. It feels good to cook again. I couldn't for awhile cause we didn't have a stove. Sydney has been sick yesterday and today, and Lyndsey today, so they have been home with me, going to the store, resting, chilling. Its been nice. Cooking a beef roast tonight that I marinated for a few hours, and we got a fire log too, so we will have a fire outside tonight. Hopefully Tyler and Taylor will be over too. My back and stomach have been killing me lately. The doctor thought I might have an ulcer, and that would make alot of sense with the way I am feeling. No matter what I eat I am sick. Had diarrhea for days, and everytime I eat my back hurts. Tylenol and Motrin aren't really helping. I've taken some lifesaving Protonix, but it doesn't seem to be doing much either. Maybe the answer is to just stop eating for awhile. I'm sure I would survive. I've got so much to do and to clean in the house. Getting it done slowly. It is an urban myth that mom's like it when all of their kids are in school. At least in my case. I will never be one of those go to the salon and shopping while your kids are in daycare kind of mom's. I never looked forward to it, but I kinda thought when they were all in school, like this year, that it would mean a little time for me. But I hate it. I absolutely hate being home alone. I get very depressed. Especially between the hours of 12 noon and 3 pm. Its weird, but its always those hours. Today isn't bad, cause Syd and Lynds are sitting her by me playing pokemon cards. But when no one is here but me, and I'm not sleeping, its really bad. I feel so much better in the late afternoon and early evening. Love that time. Its cool, kids are about, it just feels good.

Yeah, the up didn't last too long. Really upset too because we were wrong about the release date of Season 5 of lost. It is December 8. I really don't know if I can wait that long.

Up, Up and Away

2009-10-24T06:03:00.004-07:00

This work week has been fantabulous, if work can be so. I have had awesome patients, had the time to take care of them, had fun with co-workers, and had some down time, which is nice when you have done 4 nightshifts, and are hoping to do another. If I work tonight I will probably have my same patients back which will make it easier, and it will all be over time. Now watch, I won't get called in - because I want to work. Thats the way it always happens.

I think its just the timing in my cycle, but everything feels good right now. Oh, wait...... I think it might be referred to as................ lets see, a manic phase. Hate that word. But it is what it is. Everything feels good, and so IS good. Life just feels great right now. The air is chilled outside. We seem to have enough money lately. Kids are happy. Tyler has been around more. Life just feels good.

Its really weird, but this is probably the first "up" I have recognized for what it is. I have been off my medicine for just about a month now. Its nice to have ME back. I was reading this old post from March of last year:

http://somethinglikelifeblog.blogspot.com/2008/05/im-learning-that-i-should-just-embrace.html

I was reading where I said:
"I'm learning that I should just embrace everything - the good and the bad, because there is always a yin and a yang, it always equals out. Right before my period, like right before it starts, I have a day where I have almost a euphoria. Everything is deeper, more beautiful, sadder, sweeter. I cry more, everything taste better, I love deeper, I laugh harder. Everything is enhanced. Thats where I am today."

I just didn't know what it was. Its so classically manic. But I didn't even know. Thats where I am today again.

Updated Facebook. Arranged two friend dates: Going to dinner with Sarah and Lisa on November 1st, and actually going to lunch with Jill Lewis this Tuesday the 27th. Saw her at Alumni, it was really nice. So I'm looking forward to that.

Am I rambling? I think maybe so. Combination of sleep-deprivation and mania.

Ahhhhh ...... the joys.

To Believe

2009-10-23T06:49:00.003-07:00

To be able to believe in god, one must:
Either accept that God is NOT all powerful and can not stop evil,
Or that he IS all powerful and chooses not to stop evil.

"Florida police have tentatively identified a child's body found in a landfill as that of a 7-year-old girl who vanished while walking home from school on Monday."

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,568982,00.html

I can't believe.

I keep seeing my Cheyenne.
Laying in that landfill.

Somer

2009-10-22T05:24:00.004-07:00

Am doing some overtime this week. I hate doing it, but if the opportunity presents itself, I kinda have to do it, especially with Christmas coming up. I will hopefully have 16 hours of overtime on this next check on the 30th. Cha-ching.

Found Josh Holloway's Facebook. Thanks to Stacey.
He is so beautiful.

We haven't seen any of season 5 yet.
Sawyer and Juliet? Yuk yuk yuk
It can't be so.
I still don't trust her.

Was watching the news yesterday - mistake number one I guess - and saw that they probably found the body of that little girl missing in Florida. Somer Thompson - 7 years old, walking home from school with her brother and sister and friends, they started teasing her, she ran ahead, 15 minutes later when they arrived home she wasn't there. In 15 short minutes. It is almost too much for me to watch stories like this. It makes me so scared. And actually sick to my stomach for the family. I actually have a physical reaction. I can't even imagine. And now they found a body in a landfill. No positive identification yet, but the body of a child, only limbs were exposed in the landfill.

I tell you. If I ran the world there would be a lot more castration.
And torture.
A lot more.
It just makes me very very sad to look at her little face.
I think I should stick to watching LOST and Josh Holloway.
And start locking my kids in the house.

Rest in peace little Somer.

Birthdays, Sunsets, and The Dharma Initiative

2009-10-15T02:31:00.005-07:00

Found a new fascinating blog. Thanks to Stacey's blog.
http://www.jen-johnson.com/jen_vs_the_bible/
Step by step reading through the Bible, starting at Genesis - by an atheist.
Interesting. And funny.

Had a nice birthday. Was so nice to see Nikki, and Steph and Lona. All the kids made me cards, even Tyler, I almost had a stroke. Short and sweet, but still a card. The other kids cards were so cute. Went shopping. Was just a very nice day. Now I am 39. Only one year left in my 30s.

Lyndsey had her birthday on the 10th. She is 11. Was also a very fun day. She liked all her presents, we all went to the zoo - hand fed the giraffes, rode a camel. Lots of fun. Then went to The Rain Forest Cafe. Seems we always go there on birthdays. Her dad got her an I-Touch. She loves listening to music, and gadgets. It was a great present for her. She had a fun day.

We finally finished the 4th season of Lost. The 5th season doesn't come out on DVD until Oct.27, and let me tell you - we are LOST. Absolutely lost not able to watch it. Can't wait. Then in February season 6. We left off with the Oceanic 6 getting off the island, and glimpses of the future - not good ones. And lots of questions. Like is Claire really dead? Why the hell did she stay with the good Doctor? How do they all convince each other to go back? How did Locke die? Why did no one come to the funeral? How are Sawyer and Juliet on the island? Did Jin really die? And what the fuck is up with Michael? How does Hurley get out of the funny farm? Is Charlie really dead (hope not). And where is Ben?

Got the first 2 seasons of Dead Like Me to watch in the mean time. Like the show, but it just isn't as good. We are in withdrawal. Gotta love the grim reapers clocking in at the beginning of the show though.

Sawyer is so hot.

Haven't really been ready to talk about it till now, but its time. I broke my sobriety at the beginning of September. It was a conscious and sober decision. I just felt ready. It was on an anniversary. And it is much easier than I anticipated. Its so nice to just sit and have a few beers, to take a break, to relax, and to really enjoy what I am drinking, rather than completely fading and escaping. And I haven't done that once. I actually think I have worked out my issues. The other day got to cook at home, made soup, and had some wine while cooking. That is so much fun. Especially when it is cool outside, and cooking warm yummy stuff inside.

The kids have been off this week, and have been spending lots of time with them. It has been fun, just lounging around, sleeping in, having them home all day. Went to Hole-In-The-Rock a few times. At sunset. It was spectacular. For those of you not from Phoenix, it is a desert park smack dab in the middle of town with these huge rocks called the Papago Buttes, and one of them has this huge non-man-made hole right at the top of it. It must have been a bubble in some volcanic explosion a long time ago that popped and left this huge hole. You climb up to it, and you can see like the whole phoenix area. Its beautiful, especially at sunset. Amazing actually.

Been really enjoying the kids lately. And the Homefront.

Went off my medicine. It was just causing too many problems for me. I would rather just deal with "me". Up, or down. I am actually doing very well. Am feeling good. I just need to keep myself in check. I know I'm playing doctor and god, and going against everything everyone has told me to do. But I have to live in my skin, and wake up in my head. And this is what I choose.

I got a pin for being at my job here in Scottsdale for a year. And I got a raise. My anniversary was on the 13th. I always feel so grateful that I have such a great job, and have kept it, and will continue to have it. It really is a great place to work. And the pay is good. Good all the way around. I am so fortunate, especially nowadays.

I was in danger of losing my house for a long time. And it is finally out of danger. Big relief. My house also has been a big stressor for me, so much needs done. Bought some stuff recently and cleaned a lot of stuff, and am feeling much better about it. Its feeling like my space. One I want to be in. The kids are happy with this too. They notice.

And its Halloween Time. What else can I say. Now that I am getting back to being "me" I am getting back in the Witchy frame of mind. And its so nice here now. A chill in the air.

Life is good.
Namaste.

Surprise !!!!

2009-10-01T01:35:00.005-07:00

So my birthday is Monday the 5th, and Nikki is coming to see me!!! Actually, she got in tonight but I'm at work, and is staying with some friends. We are going to go out, just us, tomorrow night. She has been planning this for a couple of months, and tried to keep it a secret, but it didn't work out so well that way. And then we are going out on Sunday night the 4th for dinner, and apparently Steph and Lona are coming too. Cathy was going to come, but is unable, which - especially after that loving comment she left me - I am really disappointed about. I would love to see you too girl. And Peggy said she probably won't be able to come. I am so excited, and actually flattered that anyone would do this for me. I am really excited, and I'm at a point where I really need to see some friends. I told her I wanted to go to Casey Moore's, so I guess that is where we will go. I haven't seen Steph or Lona since that time we went out like 2 years ago either. I'm going to bring all the kids too, Tyler even said he would come (Its hard to get Tyler to commit to being anywhere at any time). And I told Taylor she could come too. She's practically my kid too. Hopefully we will find someway to get pictures on here.

I feel so weird being here at work and Nikki is virtually a few miles from me and in town. Just isn't right.

She hasn't seen my kids since 2002, Cheyenne wasn't even born, Ryan was 8 months old, Lyndsey was 4, Sydney was 8, and Tyler was 10. Yeah. Now they are 5,7,10,14, and 17. Come to think of it, Steph and Lona haven't seen the kids for a long time either.

So, I guess I still have people that love me. Good to know.

Oh, and its a Full Moon.

Perfect.

PS - Little sidenote: I gave Peggy the first season of LOST. Now, if you don't know it, Peggy is not much of a TV or a computer person. Doesn't get too caught up. So I give her the first season, I tell her to watch the first episode, and if she doesn't like it to just give it back. She was like, Ok whatever. So she calls me up in a few days and tells me she stayed up till 4 am and watched the whole first season.

The Movies

2009-09-20T03:45:00.001-07:00

After work and I go home and sleep for awhile, we are taking the kids to see "Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs". It looks really cute. We try to go to the movies on Sundays if there is a kids movie out. It costs about $100 a pop between tickets and food, but the kids love it. I love it too. Love the movies. Its in 3D too.

Can't wait for Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D.
Maybe we will go for my birthday, they open on Oct. 2nd.
Love Toy Story.

2009-09-10T04:21:00.001-07:00

Christine,
Nikki,
and Cathy
thanks for your comments.
They mean alot.

4 8 15 16 23 42

2009-09-05T01:55:00.002-07:00

We have become Lostaholics.
Seriously.
We are still watching the first season.
Going to buy them.
Love it.

The Evil

2009-08-30T13:06:00.005-07:00

The overdue dead baby, that weighed 12 pounds, that got stuck with the head out, for like 10 minutes. Her skin would peel off just from holding her. She was purple and mushy. I had to bathe her, dress her and get little footprints.

The 18 week twins who delivered alive, we put them on the warmer, and when we looked back they were hand in hand. They died that way.

The baby that was too early to resuscitate, that was just "dumped" in the dirty utility room until the morgue guy came. It continued to "breathe" for hours. I just watched it.

The baby I had to go retrieve from the morgue 2 days after it delivered because mom wanted to see it because she had been too out of it with anesthesia for 2 days.

The haunting scream of a mom, post car accident, when no one was laboring that night, that scream in the middle of the night when she woke up and remembered that her 6 year old had been killed in the accident.

The baby that had already been chopped up in the autopsy, but family hadn't seen it yet so we had to go get it from the morgue for them.

The anencephalic babies - born with no brain, look totally normal until you turn them over and their skull is just jello.

The baby that came in dead because the boyfriend had hit mom in the stomach.

The beautiful little 16 year old whose boyfriend was upset that she was pregnant and shot her point blank in the stomach to try and kill the baby. It missed the baby but hit her spine. She was a paraplegic, had another 2 year old, and delivered a healthy baby.

The trauma I had to go down to the ER for, 22 year old shot in the back, 7 months pregnant. She was dead on arrival but we had to go down to see if the baby could be delivered by c-section. We never found a heartbeat. I looked and looked though. We had to cover her up and walk out.

The pregnant mom who had been air-evaced to us after a car accident. Her 2 year old and boyfriend were killed on site. The baby started to crash on the strip so they did an emergency c-section. The baby died, they coded it for a half hour. And mom was fighting for her life at this point. When all was said and done the family came up to the triage window where I was working that night and wanted to know what happened. They hadn't been told anything, about the 2 year old, or the boyfriend or the baby. The doctor and I had to take them aside and tell them. Then I found out that labor hadn't taken the baby, and the NICU hadn't taken the baby, everyone just left it in the OR. It was time for me to go home, but I stayed until the morgue came for the baby. I couldn't just leave it there. That was the same night we had a code and a twin demise. I went straight to the bar that morning.

Beautiful Anne - my co-worker and friend, 21 weeks pregnant. They called me in that day to be her nurse in ICU. I knew when I walked in she was dying. She didn't know. I never said goodbye to her. And most of all, I didn't save her or her baby girl. I still can't talk about it. It was Thanksgiving morning when she died.

Right after Anne's funeral Gina and I went straight to the bar. I had been carrying a little card in my purse that said "Expect Miracles" up until that day. I left the card at the bar. After the bar we went back to the gravesite and drank some more. I drank myself into oblivion that day. That was back in 2002.

Being raped myself, and some of the domestic violence that happened.

All the other dead babies, or unwanted babies, or fucked up situations.

The tiny little footprints.

The 13 and 14 year old deliveries.

The AIDS patient screaming at us to please just let her die and to quit poking and prodding her everyday.

My dad's body in the casket.

What it looks like now.
*********************************************************
These are all things in my head. And more. Things I see.
I drank many times because I just didn't want to see them anymore.

I need to release them. All of them and all of the others.
Here and now.

I guess I needed a break from County.
Only now I'm on a Cancer floor.

Happy Anniversary

2009-08-30T12:34:00.003-07:00

Today is my mom and dad's anniversary.
They would have been married 59 years. Were married in 1950.
We went to Sprouts today.
On the overhead music system they played "A Summer Place."
My dad loved that song, every time it came on the radio, and every time I played it on the piano. I think that's why I played it so often.
I still like that song.
I got all teared up in the produce aisle.
He died 3 years ago on Sept. 2, 3 days from now.
I will probably go to the cemetary.

2009-08-28T22:29:00.001-07:00

Nikki,
I went to coffee.
Talk to me now.

2009-08-28T01:00:00.005-07:00

To be able to believe in god, one must:
Either accept that God is NOT all powerful and can not stop evil,
Or that he IS all powerful and chooses not to stop evil.

I believed in god until I worked in labor and delivery.

People used to say to me, "how can you hold a newborn baby in your arms and NOT believe in God?" For me, after I held the dead ones, it was hard TO believe.

I don't want to dwell long on the bad, the evil. But I need to get it out, and be done with it.

The Evil I Have Seen

2009-08-27T02:00:00.003-07:00

So I got my letter to Karl done and sent it. Feels good to say I am sorry. I still have my mom's to do. That should be easy. I will probably give her a plant or something too. This apology phase of this year is a huge step for me. It feels good. Makes me think too.

I have been having a hard time resisting lately. Haven't had anything to drink though. Just really don't want to wait the whole year. But I think I really need to. I know I am the only judge and jury of this. And I think I need my year. It would be great to say I am better at 6 months and end my year short. That would be great. But I know I need my year.

I'm a big believer in diversion tactics. They have worked for me alot. One night, in a matter of a few hours, I drank a whole bottle of Crown Royal with coke. Needless to say, I didn't keep the whole bottle down. I'm not sure anyone can do that. I have not been able to look at a bottle of, much lest ingest any Crown since then. It has been a huge diversion. In fact, when I am having a hard time, if I even smell it, it makes me want to wretch (that cat with a hairball thing) and the craving goes away - fast. So, when I need it, Royce will get a double of Crown, and I will dip my finger in for a taste, or better yet will smell the glass afterward. Not sure AA would approve of this tactic, but its still working for me. And that is what counts. (Brian at Murphy's even gave me an empty bottle for home to help me).

I am realizing what the 3rd component of this year is. What I need to do. There were other things that made me want to drink besides my dad. My dad was a category all to himself. The other things were bad things, many at work, that happened that I just didn't want to "see" anymore. Just didn't want to think about them. Lots of bad things. I think I need some closure on those things. I need to list them, all that I can remember, and then be done with them. I am going to list them here. The publicity of it somehow gives me some closure. Somehow validates them and lets them go. I know I will not be able to remember them all, but I will try to. When the list is done I will post it here.

I have to figure all of this out, because if I drink for any other reason than to have a drink recreationally, if I ever drink to get away from something, I will be out of control again. This is the most important thing for me to figure out. This is it. This is what I need to do in this year.

STEP 1: Closure on my Dad, and physical drying out.
STEP 2: Letting go of wrongs done to me, and making amends to people.
STEP 3: Closure on the evil I have seen.

These are the reasons I drank. I have completed two.
It is time to regurgitate the evil.
Prepare yourself.

Walk This Way

2009-08-23T01:22:00.003-07:00

My poor baby Steven was hurt - while dancing at a concert in South Dakota, fell off the stage, broke his shoulder.

I could have been his nurse.

Spongebath, Mr. Tyler?

Seriously, he cancelled all the other concerts. Glad I got to go.

Hope he gets better soon.

Box

2009-08-22T03:00:00.004-07:00

There's something about watching a monsoon go through Phoenix from the 5th floor of a hospital at night.

****************************************

I believe in better living through pharmacology,

And I am doing that,

But sometimes I still want to crawl into a little ball in the corner of the cardboard box that is my life. It has little scissor-cut windows in it, like you made when you were a kid and all. But lately I just want to curl up in the corner.

I didn't drag my ass out of bed until noon today.

And I didn't even work last night.