A few eclectic thoughts.
Candace, another nurse I work with, and me were discussing my theory about big trucks. I don't mean a large pickup - I me these ridiculous, pumped up, I- can't- step- into monster trucks that guys drive. Whenever I see one I think - well, compensation - in other "areas" of life. Basically the bigger the truck, the smaller the pee pee. I just don't think they should advertise like that.
And we both came to the conclusion that we like the guy with the Smart Car.
*************************************************************
Hotel California. Great song. I was always warned about this song. Was taught by some David Koresh/Jim Jones wanna-be that it was a song about the Satanic church. They somehow had an explanation behind every line that was Satanic. And it never made any sense. I have been told another meaning behind the song. Its about addiction and rehab. Listen to it. It totally makes sense.
"You can check out anytime you want.........................."
"Some dance to remember.........................."
I have always been strangely hauntingly drawn to the song.
Great song.
***********************************************************
Theres nothing like the feeling of cleaning up your patient, your little confused helpless patient in restraints who has blood all over herself from fighting with the restraints for hours, cleaning her up, new gown, new sheets, up to the potty, back in bed, new sheet and blanket - at the end of a long horrendous 12 hour shift - when you were already behind and knew you were going to leave late, and this was just going to make you later - taking the time and cleaning her up anyhow and making her look nice in her bed even though she wouldn't even know to thank you or what was going on and it could have been overlooked ..................
And at shift change you see her little old husband of 62 years visiting her, and getting to see her respectable.
Priceless.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Cerebral Morphine
(Well, Tequila is more like Dilaudid, methinks maybe)
I have always dreaded work. When it was bad, outright hated it. And when it was good, considered it one of those necessary evils. Always thought of it as something that kept me away from my kids, away from my life.
Tonight I had a very weird sensation. Not minding being at work - and almost, if I dare say it - prefer being here right now? Is that wrong?
I feel so out of control at home, especially when I think about everything. And I can only clean up my mess at a certain speed. Every paycheck things are getting better. But I can not speed things up. I guess if I'm at work I feel I am doing something productive. And its also a way of not having to look at the things I need, or to look at why it happened = Me. I guess its a way of escape.
Peggy was over at my mom's house. She still has a way of making me feel like shit. It was right after I woke up, and right before I left for work. Maybe I just feel like shit because I know what she thinks and says are true. I can only focus on fixing things. But I don't of course. And I can only go so fast. But she made me feel really bad. Like she has this perfect life, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect credit. Everything. And lets me know how bad I am.
I'm doing alot better, and have to remember the changes I've made.
I know I have lots of improvements to make, but I also know our definitions of "perfect" are two very different things.
And to top things off, my meds will run out before I see my doctor, where I would be without them for like 5 days, so I was trying to avoid a 5 day mental mess, and so decided to take only one today, saving it for before I went to work. When it happened with Peggy, I just got all angry, and sad, very very sad, and overwhelmed, then went to work. Sad about my kids, and life, and my "mess" ( I think that is how I will refer to it from now on). I just went straight down. Its so weird, I'm so sensitive to these meds (must mean they are what I need) that I can totally notice it when I miss even one dose. Its halfway through my night and I'm feeling better, but can still notice it.
I have a goal for each of my next 4 payshecks.
May 1st = Fix the brakes on my van (then I can use my car, and quit using my mom's car)
May 15th = Buy and install a water heater (we don't have hot water right now)
May 29th = Pay Cable, and get cable back on and home phone service (yep, no phone yet)
June 12th= Buy a stove ( don't have an actual stove, it broke awhile ago)
These are some of the things wrong. I no longer have a liquid anesthetic to make me not notice them. Now I have to deal with them.
I guess I just need to breathe.
Twilight is good so far.
6 weeks, 2 days with no anesthetic.
I don't like this.
Don't like feeling.
I have always dreaded work. When it was bad, outright hated it. And when it was good, considered it one of those necessary evils. Always thought of it as something that kept me away from my kids, away from my life.
Tonight I had a very weird sensation. Not minding being at work - and almost, if I dare say it - prefer being here right now? Is that wrong?
I feel so out of control at home, especially when I think about everything. And I can only clean up my mess at a certain speed. Every paycheck things are getting better. But I can not speed things up. I guess if I'm at work I feel I am doing something productive. And its also a way of not having to look at the things I need, or to look at why it happened = Me. I guess its a way of escape.
Peggy was over at my mom's house. She still has a way of making me feel like shit. It was right after I woke up, and right before I left for work. Maybe I just feel like shit because I know what she thinks and says are true. I can only focus on fixing things. But I don't of course. And I can only go so fast. But she made me feel really bad. Like she has this perfect life, perfect husband, perfect kids, perfect house, perfect credit. Everything. And lets me know how bad I am.
I'm doing alot better, and have to remember the changes I've made.
I know I have lots of improvements to make, but I also know our definitions of "perfect" are two very different things.
And to top things off, my meds will run out before I see my doctor, where I would be without them for like 5 days, so I was trying to avoid a 5 day mental mess, and so decided to take only one today, saving it for before I went to work. When it happened with Peggy, I just got all angry, and sad, very very sad, and overwhelmed, then went to work. Sad about my kids, and life, and my "mess" ( I think that is how I will refer to it from now on). I just went straight down. Its so weird, I'm so sensitive to these meds (must mean they are what I need) that I can totally notice it when I miss even one dose. Its halfway through my night and I'm feeling better, but can still notice it.
I have a goal for each of my next 4 payshecks.
May 1st = Fix the brakes on my van (then I can use my car, and quit using my mom's car)
May 15th = Buy and install a water heater (we don't have hot water right now)
May 29th = Pay Cable, and get cable back on and home phone service (yep, no phone yet)
June 12th= Buy a stove ( don't have an actual stove, it broke awhile ago)
These are some of the things wrong. I no longer have a liquid anesthetic to make me not notice them. Now I have to deal with them.
I guess I just need to breathe.
Twilight is good so far.
6 weeks, 2 days with no anesthetic.
I don't like this.
Don't like feeling.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Dear Dad
Happy Earth Day Everyone!!!!
Sydney planted a tree today at school, and Lyndsey planted a flower.
Here in Phoenix there was a scheduled hour black out at I think 8 pm.
I heard today that a million plastic bags are handed out, was it every minute?
Amazing.
Phoenix did not comply with the whole "Beautiful Earth" thing today.
It was I believe 105. Way to hot for April.
Someday...............
Someday we will live where it rains. And is cool. Even cold.
************************************************************************************************
Got to meet with Sarah and Lisa for dinner on Sunday.
Went to a really nice fish place.
We have plans to go out again in 2 weeks, this time to Casey Moore's.
************************************************************************************************
Just finished "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs.
(He wrote Running With Scissors too)
I bought "Twilight" today.
Get to start it after work in the morning.
*********************************************************************************************
Finally found a doctor - however my meds run out before my appt.
Nice.
Have seen my therapist 3 times now.
I think I'll keep him.
My assignment last week was to write a letter to my Dad,
if I could really give it to him. And to read it out loud.
It was painful - I cried the whole way through it.
Now this week its to write one to my mom.
Yeah, lots of fun stuff - why didn't I do therapy sooner?????
(Sense the Dark Sarcasm in the Classroom???)
Letter to my Dad:
Dear Dad,
I'm so glad I get one more chance to talk to you. It has been 2 and a half years since I saw you last. I miss you very much. I always knew that it would be hard, I just didn't know how hard. Its been over 2 years and I still tear up when I think or talk about you. I think we all do. You left a very big hole when you left. The house still does not seem right without you in it. Your pictures are all over the house. Mom misses you so much. We all miss you so much. For 2 years I didn't let myself feel sad about you. I have spent most of the time you've been gone being numb. But I'm letting myself feel now. The kids still talk about you, but I think Ryan misses you the most. I know he does. He talks about you a lot. He sleeps by mom a lot in your bed. If there is a heaven I know you are there, and if there is not I know you are in a beautiful place. You deserve to be in the best place, wherever it is. I know you left us with a peaceful mind, no unfinished business or any regrets, because you lived every day peaceful. I'm so glad I got that night I spent with you. Not many people get that chance and I was lucky. I would give anything to be able to see you or talk to you one more time. If there is any way to communicate with me please try. I'm sorry that I wasn't there the moment you left. Peggy was there though. I have some of your things, your lunchbox, your belt, and one of your hats, among other things, in my room in a special place. One thing I still have and will always have is knowing what the right thing to do every time is, if I just ask myself "What would Dad do?" I'm not sure what else to say to you. I wish I could talk to you face to face. I just want you to know how much we all miss you and that we all think about you every day. I hope somehow I can see you again someday. When someone good like you is gone, the world is just not the same place. Thank you for being my Dad and for being such a good dad. You will always be my Superman.
I love you Dad.
I'm pretty sure I won't publish my mom's letter here.
Happy Earth Day everyone.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Shelby
To everything there is a season.
It is my season.
I've decided to do this a year. In 11 months I will walk into Murphy's on St. Patty's Day, and look and be fabulous. And after a year of not drinking, that green beer is going to be orgasmic. I will do this for a year.
This year is the season when I learn how to live the rest of my life.
I'm taking care of me. Eating good, exercizing regularly, fixing my finances. I'm spending time with my kids. I'm becoming a better daughter and sister. And wife. And employee. And nurse. I'm taking better care of my pets. The cloudy haze that my life was, after a month, is finally fading. I feel clearer. Not that I don't have downs still, despite the medicine, they are functioning downs now.
I'm realizing that I'm not quite the addict I thought I was. I was self medicating with alcohol. After I got the right medication - I don't really miss it. There are times, out of habit, that I want one of course. But the reason I was drinking is gone. I turned it into an addiction. But now, its so different. I'm medication with the right drugs.
I got my 30 day chip at a meeting on Easter. It is red. I carry them around with me. Some sort of material grounding I think. Something I can physically hold on to. I still have problems with the inner philosophy of AA, but it is helping me on some level, so I still go. I will continue for this year.
When I think about it, it seems impossible and horrible to go a year without a drink. How am I going to do this? But I am determined to. We are already planning that night. And planning it responsibly for once. Money, taxis, time. The outfit will be awesome. I look so good in green too.
I want my year chip. I will reach my goal when I get that.
Going to buy another snake. Soon I think. Don't know which kind yet. Lucy is so cool. We all love her. I want another one.
We recently had kittens at our house. 4 of them. Calico, black and white, orange and pure black. I'm keeping the all black one. Her name is Shelby and she is 9 days old. She kinda represents for me my new self.
Besides, every witch needs a black cat.
It is my season.
I've decided to do this a year. In 11 months I will walk into Murphy's on St. Patty's Day, and look and be fabulous. And after a year of not drinking, that green beer is going to be orgasmic. I will do this for a year.
This year is the season when I learn how to live the rest of my life.
I'm taking care of me. Eating good, exercizing regularly, fixing my finances. I'm spending time with my kids. I'm becoming a better daughter and sister. And wife. And employee. And nurse. I'm taking better care of my pets. The cloudy haze that my life was, after a month, is finally fading. I feel clearer. Not that I don't have downs still, despite the medicine, they are functioning downs now.
I'm realizing that I'm not quite the addict I thought I was. I was self medicating with alcohol. After I got the right medication - I don't really miss it. There are times, out of habit, that I want one of course. But the reason I was drinking is gone. I turned it into an addiction. But now, its so different. I'm medication with the right drugs.
I got my 30 day chip at a meeting on Easter. It is red. I carry them around with me. Some sort of material grounding I think. Something I can physically hold on to. I still have problems with the inner philosophy of AA, but it is helping me on some level, so I still go. I will continue for this year.
When I think about it, it seems impossible and horrible to go a year without a drink. How am I going to do this? But I am determined to. We are already planning that night. And planning it responsibly for once. Money, taxis, time. The outfit will be awesome. I look so good in green too.
I want my year chip. I will reach my goal when I get that.
Going to buy another snake. Soon I think. Don't know which kind yet. Lucy is so cool. We all love her. I want another one.
We recently had kittens at our house. 4 of them. Calico, black and white, orange and pure black. I'm keeping the all black one. Her name is Shelby and she is 9 days old. She kinda represents for me my new self.
Besides, every witch needs a black cat.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Imagine There's No Heaven...............
Interesting little article in Newsweek.
http://www.newsweek.com/id/192583?GT1=43002
(And I quote)
"Christians are now making up a declining percentage of the American population."
"the number of Americans who claim no religious affiliation has nearly doubled since 1990, rising from 8 to 15 percent."
"while the unaffiliated have historically been concentrated in the Pacific Northwest, the report said, "this pattern has now changed, and the Northeast emerged in 2008 as the new stronghold of the religiously unidentified."
"the number of people willing to describe themselves as atheist or agnostic has increased about fourfold from 1990 to 2009, from 1 million to about 3.6 million. (That is about double the number of, say, Episcopalians in the United States.)"
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
http://www.newsweek.com/id/192583?GT1=43002
(And I quote)
"Christians are now making up a declining percentage of the American population."
"the number of Americans who claim no religious affiliation has nearly doubled since 1990, rising from 8 to 15 percent."
"while the unaffiliated have historically been concentrated in the Pacific Northwest, the report said, "this pattern has now changed, and the Northeast emerged in 2008 as the new stronghold of the religiously unidentified."
"the number of people willing to describe themselves as atheist or agnostic has increased about fourfold from 1990 to 2009, from 1 million to about 3.6 million. (That is about double the number of, say, Episcopalians in the United States.)"
Imagine there's no Heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
89
So, who was there.
Not too many.
Kevin, his wife Sharon, Channie and her sister Kim, Colleen, Heidi, Jill, Cathy, Peggy, Me and Royce. It was so good seeing Kevin. He looks great. And his wife is so nice. Love her.
Jill OMG looked so good. High school was so hard for her. She has done a complete 180. And I think she is doing better than everyone else. I'm so happy for her. If only she could have seen herself 20 years in the future back then.
First we went to this snooty expensive North Scottsdale restaurant. Not my kinda place. But it was nice, cause we were all visiting. Entrees were $30 for god's sake. Definately Colleens kinda of place. And she works at Starbucks - I mean come on, nothing to be snotty about. I know how much you make girlfriend. Everyone wanted to meet for brunch the next day so Royce suggested Sugar Daddies, a nice little place on Scottsdale road. Everyone agreed. Then karma kind of happened.
This last weekend was Bike week. And apparently every Harley in town was having breakfast at Sugar Daddies. OMG it was loud. And bikers everywhere. Colleen almost couldn't contain the disgust. She was visibly nauseated. I on the other hand was in heaven. Everyone thought I did it on purpose, but honestly I didn't know they would be there. Wasn't complaing though.
I said to them I will have one of my own by our 25 in 5 years. Collen looked at me in disgust. I will have one. And a boob job. And I'll ride into the Compound with my heels on. I think I'll make them 7 in platforms.
Not too many.
Kevin, his wife Sharon, Channie and her sister Kim, Colleen, Heidi, Jill, Cathy, Peggy, Me and Royce. It was so good seeing Kevin. He looks great. And his wife is so nice. Love her.
Jill OMG looked so good. High school was so hard for her. She has done a complete 180. And I think she is doing better than everyone else. I'm so happy for her. If only she could have seen herself 20 years in the future back then.
First we went to this snooty expensive North Scottsdale restaurant. Not my kinda place. But it was nice, cause we were all visiting. Entrees were $30 for god's sake. Definately Colleens kinda of place. And she works at Starbucks - I mean come on, nothing to be snotty about. I know how much you make girlfriend. Everyone wanted to meet for brunch the next day so Royce suggested Sugar Daddies, a nice little place on Scottsdale road. Everyone agreed. Then karma kind of happened.
This last weekend was Bike week. And apparently every Harley in town was having breakfast at Sugar Daddies. OMG it was loud. And bikers everywhere. Colleen almost couldn't contain the disgust. She was visibly nauseated. I on the other hand was in heaven. Everyone thought I did it on purpose, but honestly I didn't know they would be there. Wasn't complaing though.
I said to them I will have one of my own by our 25 in 5 years. Collen looked at me in disgust. I will have one. And a boob job. And I'll ride into the Compound with my heels on. I think I'll make them 7 in platforms.
*************************************************************
I'v lost 20 pounds and haven't had a drink for 4 weeks. The longest I've been sober without the motivation of a fetus.
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Steph,
I'm curious. What are the reasons you don't want to go out to Thunderbird? I was just hoping you would and Lona would be at the game, so at least there were a couple of people that were pleasant. Selfish of me though. I would like to see you though. But trust me, I DO understand. Really.
Lost about 14 pounds.
22 days sober.
I'm curious. What are the reasons you don't want to go out to Thunderbird? I was just hoping you would and Lona would be at the game, so at least there were a couple of people that were pleasant. Selfish of me though. I would like to see you though. But trust me, I DO understand. Really.
Lost about 14 pounds.
22 days sober.
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