It is so good to be back at work. And not the patient anymore. I have the world's greatest boss. God, what a refreshing break. He is the best. He makes me want to do a good job all the time. I feel like I owe him. Tom is great.
I have decided I am going to the basktetball game on Saturday night. I am going to take Royce and Sydney and Lyndsey. No class pictures, no photos. And hopefully I will see some people I would like to see. Steph and Lona, are you guys going??????
Fat or not, I think I will regret it if I don't go at all.
I have had so many people tell me I look so much better. "Healthier" was even used. God, I wonder how bad I looked.
Maybe I'll buy some shoes for Sat.
19 days.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
The Mouths of Babes
Vanessa, a little girl who lives down the street is Cheyenne's best friend. They are both 4. And play together almost every day. The other day we were listening to them, and they didn't know it. Of all my kids, I don't think my Cheyenne will suffer from self-esteem issues.
First occurance.
Vanessa: "Julie doesn't think I'm cool."
Cheyenne: "You're cool." (With a look on her face and a tone of voice of disgusted disbelief)
A little while later:
Vanessa: "Then I can be cool like you".
Cheyenne: (Very matter of factly) "You're not THAT cool."
2nd occurance.
(Cheyenne was sitting on Royce's lap and they were talking)
Cheyenne: "When I grow up Dad, I'm going to be a woman,
and I'm going to be a BAD woman, and I'm going to do whatever I want."
Royce: "So what are you going to do thats bad?"
(Now try picturing Daddy with only daughter on his lap).
Cheyenne looks out the window and thinks.
"I'm going to go in that field over there."
That was the worst thing she could think of.
I love kids.
First occurance.
Vanessa: "Julie doesn't think I'm cool."
Cheyenne: "You're cool." (With a look on her face and a tone of voice of disgusted disbelief)
A little while later:
Vanessa: "Then I can be cool like you".
Cheyenne: (Very matter of factly) "You're not THAT cool."
2nd occurance.
(Cheyenne was sitting on Royce's lap and they were talking)
Cheyenne: "When I grow up Dad, I'm going to be a woman,
and I'm going to be a BAD woman, and I'm going to do whatever I want."
Royce: "So what are you going to do thats bad?"
(Now try picturing Daddy with only daughter on his lap).
Cheyenne looks out the window and thinks.
"I'm going to go in that field over there."
That was the worst thing she could think of.
I love kids.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Deliver Us From Evil
I started back to work last night. Its good to be back. I don't like being the patient.
I want to welcome someone here, her name is Sarah, and I met her in outpatient. And once again kindred spirits find each other. She is a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person, with a wicked sense of humor. Sarah, I am going to keep in touch with you so don't even worry (even though I know its hard not to). She is a writer. So, welcome Sarah - I miss you already. I'm looking forward to your writing here.
Its hard to deny a diagnosis when the meds "fix" you like overnight. So I know it is right. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with having something that is just manageable, not curable. I will be on these meds for the rest of my life. And since I quit drinking my blood pressure is normal, and my stomach doesn't hurt any more - I have quit taking the medications for both of those. Its a little bizarre how when I do talk to someone who knows me they aren't surprised. Its like they knew all along. Everyone but me. And I know Mr. Leukert would SO NOT be surprised. Hell, he probably diagnosed me in high school. I just feel like I should apologize to everyone.
I went to another AA meeting. Not so bad. In fact, kind of cool. Everyone is very nice. I almost broke down and had a drink, so I knew it was time for a meeting. And it helped. My least favorite part of the meetings though, next to the times when the "speaker" just whines and moans about their life for about 20 minutes, is the end of every meeting when everyone holds hands (reminiscent of Bible camp and Kum By Ya - all we need are some pine trees and a guitar) and everyone closes their eyes and recites the Lord's Prayer. NOT that I don't know the words, they were permanently etched on my frontal lobe like a bad tattoo. I just stand there. Quietly. I've come to the conclusion that I can ignore the very small parts that I don't agree with, and take something with me from it that is positive and usable. I got my 24 hour chip.
Went to the gym 3 times last week, and did cardio 3 times last week. I am 17 days sober. I'm going to do this for a year. And walk back into Pat Murphy's on St. Patrick's Day 2010 and be in much better shape, sober for a year, and maybe have a green beer and maybe not. I can't think that far into the future when in comes to being sober.
People are telling me I look so much better. And I feel so much better.
I asked Cathy to be my sponsor. She is here, and understands alot of the dynamics. Unfortunately. Thanks Cath. Love you.
I'm playing with the idea of going to the Basketball game Saturday night.
I want to welcome someone here, her name is Sarah, and I met her in outpatient. And once again kindred spirits find each other. She is a wonderful, intelligent, beautiful person, with a wicked sense of humor. Sarah, I am going to keep in touch with you so don't even worry (even though I know its hard not to). She is a writer. So, welcome Sarah - I miss you already. I'm looking forward to your writing here.
Its hard to deny a diagnosis when the meds "fix" you like overnight. So I know it is right. I'm having a little bit of a hard time with having something that is just manageable, not curable. I will be on these meds for the rest of my life. And since I quit drinking my blood pressure is normal, and my stomach doesn't hurt any more - I have quit taking the medications for both of those. Its a little bizarre how when I do talk to someone who knows me they aren't surprised. Its like they knew all along. Everyone but me. And I know Mr. Leukert would SO NOT be surprised. Hell, he probably diagnosed me in high school. I just feel like I should apologize to everyone.
I went to another AA meeting. Not so bad. In fact, kind of cool. Everyone is very nice. I almost broke down and had a drink, so I knew it was time for a meeting. And it helped. My least favorite part of the meetings though, next to the times when the "speaker" just whines and moans about their life for about 20 minutes, is the end of every meeting when everyone holds hands (reminiscent of Bible camp and Kum By Ya - all we need are some pine trees and a guitar) and everyone closes their eyes and recites the Lord's Prayer. NOT that I don't know the words, they were permanently etched on my frontal lobe like a bad tattoo. I just stand there. Quietly. I've come to the conclusion that I can ignore the very small parts that I don't agree with, and take something with me from it that is positive and usable. I got my 24 hour chip.
Went to the gym 3 times last week, and did cardio 3 times last week. I am 17 days sober. I'm going to do this for a year. And walk back into Pat Murphy's on St. Patrick's Day 2010 and be in much better shape, sober for a year, and maybe have a green beer and maybe not. I can't think that far into the future when in comes to being sober.
People are telling me I look so much better. And I feel so much better.
I asked Cathy to be my sponsor. She is here, and understands alot of the dynamics. Unfortunately. Thanks Cath. Love you.
I'm playing with the idea of going to the Basketball game Saturday night.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Girl Interrupted.........Again
So, Iv'e been away for a little while now.
Last week finished my second chemical detox, at my request.
Was locked up on Valium again for 6 days.
Again.
Was in the hospital for something else, something I really don't want to talk about here, (I really need to talk to you Nikki), and you know, as long as I was there we might as well clear my blood alcohol level safely. I participated this time a lot more. I think I got more out of it. Realized again just how annoying AA can be. But also removed the "GOD" factor from the 12 steps, and came aways with things I think I can use. Still can't get pass the first step though, don't think I ever will. I am not powerless - over anything I choose to pick up and put in my body. Its a bad choice, not a powerless disease. Thats how I feel about it. And I didn't dare mention I'm Wiccan. They probably would have burned me at the stake. But I did get alot more this time mentally. Like I said, I was there for other reasons primarily, but asked to do another detox. Royce said he always knew I was crazy, I guess not its not just his opinion. He was joking by the way. But my psychiatrist wasn't. I just can't talk about it yet. I can barely even speak the word.
Anyhow, back to alcohol. So what did I do the day I got released? Yep, went to a bar and had a double of Jager. So much for success. I imediately started IOP, which is the Intense Outpatient Program. It is not for alcohol, for other things, but alcohol comes up a lot. It seems to be very helpful. And I will get one on one sessions with an honest to goodness psychiatrist (Crazy from the Wall is going through my head, you know, when he is losing his mind with the OD in the animation). I keep thinking of Bob Newhart. And the crazies he had. And all the crazies I've taken care of. Bobo comes to mind. Heather, you will remember her.
I'm also on very strong drugs (that have nothing to do with alcohol). Tegretal, Abilify, and Cogentin. There HOUSE wanna-be's, figure that puppy out.
I was very taken back, yet so releaved in so many ways.
I will be attending AA meetings. I found one by my house. Everyone was really nice. I'm going to read the Big Book. I have this pet peeve about people who bash things they know nothing about. Thats what I've been doing. So I will read. Doesn't mean I have to agree. But I can take the good with me.
I joined the gym. I will be going tonight. I went yesterday. I have never weighed this much in my life. Its time.
For a lot of things.
Last week finished my second chemical detox, at my request.
Was locked up on Valium again for 6 days.
Again.
Was in the hospital for something else, something I really don't want to talk about here, (I really need to talk to you Nikki), and you know, as long as I was there we might as well clear my blood alcohol level safely. I participated this time a lot more. I think I got more out of it. Realized again just how annoying AA can be. But also removed the "GOD" factor from the 12 steps, and came aways with things I think I can use. Still can't get pass the first step though, don't think I ever will. I am not powerless - over anything I choose to pick up and put in my body. Its a bad choice, not a powerless disease. Thats how I feel about it. And I didn't dare mention I'm Wiccan. They probably would have burned me at the stake. But I did get alot more this time mentally. Like I said, I was there for other reasons primarily, but asked to do another detox. Royce said he always knew I was crazy, I guess not its not just his opinion. He was joking by the way. But my psychiatrist wasn't. I just can't talk about it yet. I can barely even speak the word.
Anyhow, back to alcohol. So what did I do the day I got released? Yep, went to a bar and had a double of Jager. So much for success. I imediately started IOP, which is the Intense Outpatient Program. It is not for alcohol, for other things, but alcohol comes up a lot. It seems to be very helpful. And I will get one on one sessions with an honest to goodness psychiatrist (Crazy from the Wall is going through my head, you know, when he is losing his mind with the OD in the animation). I keep thinking of Bob Newhart. And the crazies he had. And all the crazies I've taken care of. Bobo comes to mind. Heather, you will remember her.
I'm also on very strong drugs (that have nothing to do with alcohol). Tegretal, Abilify, and Cogentin. There HOUSE wanna-be's, figure that puppy out.
I was very taken back, yet so releaved in so many ways.
I will be attending AA meetings. I found one by my house. Everyone was really nice. I'm going to read the Big Book. I have this pet peeve about people who bash things they know nothing about. Thats what I've been doing. So I will read. Doesn't mean I have to agree. But I can take the good with me.
I joined the gym. I will be going tonight. I went yesterday. I have never weighed this much in my life. Its time.
For a lot of things.
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