This is my last post.
There is freedom that comes with writing.
But there can also be freedom with silence.
It has been brought to my attention that there are quite a few people regularly reading this that I would rather not know so much about my personal life.
My children have told me that Kirk told them he reads this for entertainment.
And Ive been told there are alot of people at Tempe Church that read and then question Peggy about me. For some reason the word "alot" surprised me. I didn't know I was that interesting. Pat Long was the only name given to me.
Kirk - I could have provided you with ALOT more than entertainment, if you would have just been nice to me.
And Pat and fellow Sheeple at Tempe Church - please stop bothering my sister. She is not my keeper, nor my spokesperson.
For the last 3 years this has been my place to write. To vent, to express, to mourn, to laugh, and to celebrate. Alot has happened to me in the last 3 years. I have enjoyed writing and it has been very therapeutic for me. And I have made some friends that I never would have made otherwise. And I have grown alot.
That said.................
My loss of Faith, my struggles, my health problems, my grief over my Dad - they were never intended to serve as my ex-husband's source of entertainment, or the subjects of unwanted prayers from a Church that abandoned me.
And to my friends, this is not my link to you. Nothing will change between us.
I can't say I won't ever have another post, but it will not be personal. Barb's blog will not be here anymore when someone needs a good laugh, or someone to pray for. My life will not be here anymore, like an episode of Jerry Springer, so you can watch it and feel better about yours.
And I'm getting to a place where I really don't need to protest anymore, I don't need to defend my position, or to vent. I'm finally confident and comfortable with myself inside. I don't need to defend it anymore. I just need to be still.
My email is still the same: Barbiedoll800@hotmail.com
So for those of you "out there beyond the Wall"........ my last update:
I'm just great.
Have a great new awesome paying job that I'm good at.
My finances are better.
I've beat alcoholism.
I get along with all of my family.
I have a wonderful husband who loves me.
My kids are happy, healthy, and well adjusted.
My life is uneventful and completely fulfilled.
And I've achieved enlightenment.
Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
***POOF****
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Happy Thanksgiving everyone!!!!!
Just got done working a 12, so amd tired and going home to sleep and eat.
This will be the first Thanksgiving in a few years that I am having at my Mom's.
Too tired to write, but wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving.
I am Thankful for:
My husband and kids
My good job
The colder weather
That Peggy and I are friends again
That Peggy is better
That I am getting better
That I have family to spend the day with
Sleep
The rainbow we saw yesterday
The storm that is going to hit today
Rain
That we have a new President
That I'm an employee and not a patient this morning
Christmas
Christmas songs
That I'm getting along with my mom
Nikki
Heather
Stacey
Cathy
Good books
Time to read
and Nyquil
Thinking of all those that are hungry and alone today.
Namaste
Just got done working a 12, so amd tired and going home to sleep and eat.
This will be the first Thanksgiving in a few years that I am having at my Mom's.
Too tired to write, but wanted to say Happy Thanksgiving.
I am Thankful for:
My husband and kids
My good job
The colder weather
That Peggy and I are friends again
That Peggy is better
That I am getting better
That I have family to spend the day with
Sleep
The rainbow we saw yesterday
The storm that is going to hit today
Rain
That we have a new President
That I'm an employee and not a patient this morning
Christmas
Christmas songs
That I'm getting along with my mom
Nikki
Heather
Stacey
Cathy
Good books
Time to read
and Nyquil
Thinking of all those that are hungry and alone today.
Namaste
Friday, November 21, 2008
Day Four - and 5 pounds later.....
Passed the 3 day mark for low carb. Starting day 4. Lost 5 pounds so far. Its always fast like this at the beginning. I love it. I'm sure it will fluctuate though. Have to love it though.
Started taking St. John's Wort again, and noticing a difference.
Reading "Wicked - The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West", and really liking it so far. Its the Wizard of Oz, but from the witch's point of view.
Next going to read Twilight. Hopefully I will read fast and the movie will still be out.
PA - I can't believe you just realized our reunion is this coming April. Its been on my mind alot lately. I am going to be so pissed if I don't lose weight by then. PISSED. I'm looking forward to it. Had lots of weird dreams - quite frequently actually - about old friends. I know its cause its on my mind. I just know how I could look, and I know that it may be another 10 or 20 years before I see some of these people again, if ever. I don't want to be remembered the way I am now. Everyone has aged I know, but I know how I could be.
Saw picture from the class of 88's reunion this year. And wow. It was quite motivating. Then there are those people, like Steve Gerard who are still beautiful (ahhh). I really wanted to go last April, but - not looking like this. I have to do it this time.
And PA, Nikki, Steph, and whoever else,
YOU KNOW WE ARE GOING OUT THAT NIGHT.
We have to.
Drove past the cemetary on Hayden today where Jimmy is buried. I can't remember the exact year he died, I think Tyler was like 2, so must have been about 1993. Wow, 15 years ago. I started thinking about all the things I've done, seen, experienced, felt, accomplished, lived - in that 15 years, that he didn't get to do.
I hope alot of our class shows. I talked to Kevin a little while ago, and he said our class could all go to his parent's house again.
Started taking St. John's Wort again, and noticing a difference.
Reading "Wicked - The Life and Times of the Wicked Witch of the West", and really liking it so far. Its the Wizard of Oz, but from the witch's point of view.
Next going to read Twilight. Hopefully I will read fast and the movie will still be out.
PA - I can't believe you just realized our reunion is this coming April. Its been on my mind alot lately. I am going to be so pissed if I don't lose weight by then. PISSED. I'm looking forward to it. Had lots of weird dreams - quite frequently actually - about old friends. I know its cause its on my mind. I just know how I could look, and I know that it may be another 10 or 20 years before I see some of these people again, if ever. I don't want to be remembered the way I am now. Everyone has aged I know, but I know how I could be.
Saw picture from the class of 88's reunion this year. And wow. It was quite motivating. Then there are those people, like Steve Gerard who are still beautiful (ahhh). I really wanted to go last April, but - not looking like this. I have to do it this time.
And PA, Nikki, Steph, and whoever else,
YOU KNOW WE ARE GOING OUT THAT NIGHT.
We have to.
Drove past the cemetary on Hayden today where Jimmy is buried. I can't remember the exact year he died, I think Tyler was like 2, so must have been about 1993. Wow, 15 years ago. I started thinking about all the things I've done, seen, experienced, felt, accomplished, lived - in that 15 years, that he didn't get to do.
I hope alot of our class shows. I talked to Kevin a little while ago, and he said our class could all go to his parent's house again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Tis What It Tis
First of all I'd like to thank Stephen, who left a comment here http://somethinglikelifeblog.blogspot.com/2008/09/imagine.html
for stopping by. And for being so decent. Obviously we have different beliefs, and obviously what I posted struck a nerve, but you were very nice with your words. Thank you - not everyone is this way to me. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and to comment.
All I can say is that a belief in the Bible is necessary for any of your responses to be meaningful to me. And I no longer believe the Bible. For so many reasons. I appreciate your feelings, and respect your right to have them, but I do not believe that way any longer and it is no longer right for me. I have found a beautiful new belief system and "religion" where I have found my place and have found peace and where I belong. I will never, ever, go back to anything remotely Christian. Yes, there are good people out there who are christian, I have many friends who are, but I will never be part of anything Christian again. Hopefully you are one of those people I can befriend, even if it is only over the web, even though we have different beliefs. Thank you again for stopping by.
Oh, and to answer you question as to when I left: I left when my son was asked to leave. He was formally asked to leave his Christian environment, the only environment he ever knew, was no longer allowed to be part of it. That was my Hallmark moment. I went to my SDA church on Christmas Eve after it happened (a few years ago) and made the pastor officially revoke my membership in front of the congregation. I sat there till he was finished, and the congregation was finished "voting" on it. I went directly, on that bright Sabbath morning, and got a tattoo on my left forearm. "Truth". So I will never forget, and so I will forever be reminded how important truth is. It is right under "Love" on my arm. I see it everyday. There were many, many other moments that either led up to or confirmed my decision, but that was the actual moment I left. And I will never go back. Ever.
I'm trying to get away from the negative, and the recurring theme I have of my distaste for Christians. It is what it is, and I'm in a better place. I did not intend today's post to be about that negativity, but I did think that Stephen's comments deserved a reply.
Had a great birthday with Syd. I can't believe she is 14, or that it was 14 years ago that I had her. A very different time and place ( A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away......). We got donuts for her class, we went out to dinner, just her and me, and we ended up getting some new fish and an actual bullfrog. We got him at the Chinese market, he was actually supposed to be someone's dinner, you can buy them live, and we decided to take him home and keep him.
I'm doing low-carb/no-carb again. It seems that it is the only thing that I am consistent with. Tummy feels bad, but this too shall pass (no pun intended). I can actually eat on it, and feel full. And drop weight. We will see. Doing good with ETOH - haven't "stopped", but it is very minimal. Had a shot of vodka with breakfast yesterday. I'm feeling much better with all of that. I guess its just a choice.
Fighting a UTI. I think I just have one big chronic one that never really leaves. The last 3 days have kicked my ass. Back ache, front ache, tired, just that UTI feeling of crappiness. And had to work last night on top of it. And have to work the next 2. You do what you have to do. I know, I know........ I need an antibiotic from a doctor. But I haven't medicated with Jager like I usually do.
Watched "8 Mile" last night. Love Eminem.
Watched hours of that stupid show "Real Atlantic Housewives" or whatever the name is. Stupid ass show, against everything I believe in and is everything that annoys me, but for some unknown fucked up reason I'm sucked into it. Weird.
for stopping by. And for being so decent. Obviously we have different beliefs, and obviously what I posted struck a nerve, but you were very nice with your words. Thank you - not everyone is this way to me. I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and to comment.
All I can say is that a belief in the Bible is necessary for any of your responses to be meaningful to me. And I no longer believe the Bible. For so many reasons. I appreciate your feelings, and respect your right to have them, but I do not believe that way any longer and it is no longer right for me. I have found a beautiful new belief system and "religion" where I have found my place and have found peace and where I belong. I will never, ever, go back to anything remotely Christian. Yes, there are good people out there who are christian, I have many friends who are, but I will never be part of anything Christian again. Hopefully you are one of those people I can befriend, even if it is only over the web, even though we have different beliefs. Thank you again for stopping by.
Oh, and to answer you question as to when I left: I left when my son was asked to leave. He was formally asked to leave his Christian environment, the only environment he ever knew, was no longer allowed to be part of it. That was my Hallmark moment. I went to my SDA church on Christmas Eve after it happened (a few years ago) and made the pastor officially revoke my membership in front of the congregation. I sat there till he was finished, and the congregation was finished "voting" on it. I went directly, on that bright Sabbath morning, and got a tattoo on my left forearm. "Truth". So I will never forget, and so I will forever be reminded how important truth is. It is right under "Love" on my arm. I see it everyday. There were many, many other moments that either led up to or confirmed my decision, but that was the actual moment I left. And I will never go back. Ever.
I'm trying to get away from the negative, and the recurring theme I have of my distaste for Christians. It is what it is, and I'm in a better place. I did not intend today's post to be about that negativity, but I did think that Stephen's comments deserved a reply.
Had a great birthday with Syd. I can't believe she is 14, or that it was 14 years ago that I had her. A very different time and place ( A Long Time Ago, In A Galaxy Far, Far Away......). We got donuts for her class, we went out to dinner, just her and me, and we ended up getting some new fish and an actual bullfrog. We got him at the Chinese market, he was actually supposed to be someone's dinner, you can buy them live, and we decided to take him home and keep him.
I'm doing low-carb/no-carb again. It seems that it is the only thing that I am consistent with. Tummy feels bad, but this too shall pass (no pun intended). I can actually eat on it, and feel full. And drop weight. We will see. Doing good with ETOH - haven't "stopped", but it is very minimal. Had a shot of vodka with breakfast yesterday. I'm feeling much better with all of that. I guess its just a choice.
Fighting a UTI. I think I just have one big chronic one that never really leaves. The last 3 days have kicked my ass. Back ache, front ache, tired, just that UTI feeling of crappiness. And had to work last night on top of it. And have to work the next 2. You do what you have to do. I know, I know........ I need an antibiotic from a doctor. But I haven't medicated with Jager like I usually do.
Watched "8 Mile" last night. Love Eminem.
Watched hours of that stupid show "Real Atlantic Housewives" or whatever the name is. Stupid ass show, against everything I believe in and is everything that annoys me, but for some unknown fucked up reason I'm sucked into it. Weird.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Entertained
I never fail to be sufficiently entertained when I go here http://imfreenow.blogspot.com/.
It always cracks me up how personal problems, financial crisis, or tragic world events are the product of God's presence being removed from this sinful earth.
And how anything good that happens is God showering his blessings or taking care of his people. Or a miracle.
These are the only two explanations.
Is it not possible that there is NO explanation? Or possibly a more intelligent one?
I think this quote explains alot about the logic used though:
"I love President George W. Bush. He is my favorite president of all those during my lifetime. I hope to write a letter to him while still in the White House. I hope that he will be vindicated someday. He may not be perfect, but he has kept us safe since 9/11. I don't believe the problem with the economy is his fault. He has integrity, and does not retaliate against the tirade of criticism against him. Posted by Gabrielle Eden "
WOW.
Amazing. Kept us safe? Economy not his fault? And Integrity? Soon to be former President Bush is the biggest idiot the world has possibly ever seen, and has only been an embarrasment and a danger to us as a nation. I guess the quote above sheds some light on the level of intelligence we are dealing with.
And here: http://www.dutchsheets.org/index.cfm/pageid/263
As a Christian collective whole to see Obama as a sign of a more sinful America, to be saddened about him being our next president, to see it as a sign of Judgement - Wow.
It always cracks me up how personal problems, financial crisis, or tragic world events are the product of God's presence being removed from this sinful earth.
And how anything good that happens is God showering his blessings or taking care of his people. Or a miracle.
These are the only two explanations.
Is it not possible that there is NO explanation? Or possibly a more intelligent one?
I think this quote explains alot about the logic used though:
"I love President George W. Bush. He is my favorite president of all those during my lifetime. I hope to write a letter to him while still in the White House. I hope that he will be vindicated someday. He may not be perfect, but he has kept us safe since 9/11. I don't believe the problem with the economy is his fault. He has integrity, and does not retaliate against the tirade of criticism against him. Posted by Gabrielle Eden "
WOW.
Amazing. Kept us safe? Economy not his fault? And Integrity? Soon to be former President Bush is the biggest idiot the world has possibly ever seen, and has only been an embarrasment and a danger to us as a nation. I guess the quote above sheds some light on the level of intelligence we are dealing with.
And here: http://www.dutchsheets.org/index.cfm/pageid/263
As a Christian collective whole to see Obama as a sign of a more sinful America, to be saddened about him being our next president, to see it as a sign of Judgement - Wow.
I've read quite a bit of Miss Gabrielles blog, http://imfreenow.blogspot.com/. She seems to have quite a lot of issues with abortion and gays. Many of her comments seem to stem from her own guilt - like she can't deal with an abortion that she had, and that she struggles with her own sexuality. If I constantly talk about God it will make me straight, and make the abortion go away. Who knows, and who cares. However, she is always entertaining - in a point and laugh kind of way. Thanks Gabby, for the entertainment.
In the midst of a huge blow up with my mother the other day, while referring to my current financial status and my overdue bills, she told me "I don't know why you do that. You weren't raised like that!!!" My response was "I'm glad I don't live how I was raised."
Every Sabbath, she sits out in the back yard and reads either her Bible of The Desire of Ages. Saturday night through Friday Sunset she yells, and screams, and critisizes, and complains.
I will never live how I was raised.
Didn't have a drink for 6 days. Had a few on Friday with lunch, and they made me totally sick, and really sick right before work that night. It was miserable. Have a feeling it will be longer than six days this time.
Paid my $900 electric bill. Now they are telling me they need another $500 deposit before they can turn it on. Great. A little longer before Tyler is back home with me, and before we are in our own house again. Made a car payment. Car payment is back on track. Still have to get the water and gas and cable back on. In time with hard work.
Every day I work I feel better and realize what a really good job this is. The pay, the benefits, the work conditions on the floor. Its great. It is my first step toward a better life. And I'm enjoying it. I'm doing well and everyone is great there. Finally.
It is my goal to get all of my immediate bills, utilities and such, by the first of the year or shortly after. Then Royce and I are going to go to a credit couselor to have it cleaned up. I think we are finally making a turn for the better. It feels good.
Worked last night, so slept today. The kids had their Fall Festival today so Royce did that with them all day while I slept. I woke up after some really good sleep, hadn't had any alcohol, and woke up feeling really good. The kids were quiet and happy, and there was this weird sense of peace in the house - even with my mom there. Even she was happy and nice. Just a sense of peace in the house and in me. It made going to work ok, and the world ok in general. It was very nice. Just had to write about it. Its kind of a foreign feeling.
On Monday I am going with my mom for her procedure. She will have some sedation and needs someone to be with her. I am driving her, and staying till she is done, and driving her home. All differences and words spoken aside, she is my mom, and I don't mind at all. I like doing it. Thinking about her cancer makes me forget our differences. Makes the anger go away.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
A Million Little Pieces
It is a beautiful Full Moon. If by chance I don't work tonight, and maybe even if I do, I will do something to celebrate it.
Cathy, I got your call, I was in the tub. But I did call back tonight while I was at work and left you a message. Can you get together Sunday night? I will have money, and I am not working for sure. I would like to see you.
I caught up on your blog tonight. You sound so way ahead of me when it comes to personal progress. You sound so responsible and accountable to yourself. And so disciplined. I have to ask myself, and you, --- what sentinel event caused you to do such a 180? What was your life like a month ago? You sound great. I would love to talk. I'm sorry your relationship is hard right now. All I've got to say if I'm glad I don't date women. We are so complicated. If I WERE a lesbian, it would probably turn me straight. I can only handle one of me - Wait, I don't even do that very well. Can't imagine my partner being anything like me. One of us needs to be logical. You are a brave soul. It sounds like you are making alot of progress with yourself and J. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for being so open and honest. Royce and me are one area that I tend to keep private.
And you are doing so much better than me with weight loss. I'm still not making progress. Feeling really fat. Now that the weather is cool I have started exercizing more though. I can't believe you have lost 32 pounds. That is so great.
Every once in a while it will dawn on me how amazing our friendship is. Our past - all of it. And now. I feel very fortunate. Very. That kind of thing just doesn't happen. And it did with us. Let me know about Sunday. My treat. Can we go to the same place we did the night you almost killed me? I love that place.
Over the last 4 years I have lived a very destructive life. Between my loss of faith and losing my dad, I have been very destructive to me and everyone around me. When I think about some of the low points, I am so ashamed that all I can do is self hate. I think of my children, and hate who I was. I think of Royce, and hate who I was. I think of the moments I missed, that I will never get back. And the moments I royally fucked up that I can't change. That my children will remember. And all the moments that they never saw directly, but felt on the perimeter. And what all of that did to them. Will I even know exactly what it did to them? The decisions they may make later because of me. And the last 4 years. The near misses that I know about. And the near misses that I don't. Russian Roulette - seriously. And the consequenses if any of those misses would have hit.
And I can barely look at myself.
But I am looking. Its hard not to look when you aren't faded.
I'm coming into the early morning hours of a 4 year night of being faded, the early morning when the daylight starts coming and you start to emerge from the night of drinking before, the party of the night before, and just want to go back to sleep because of the regret of the night before. Its hard to look.
But I am as capable of making good decisions as I am of making bad ones. Its a matter of choice.
I am alive today and am able to choose. This is my power.
I have not had any alcohol for going on 6 days now. I haven't really had a goal, just been turned off with the feelings and lifestyle for the last week. Yesterday was hard, I really wanted a drink, and if I would have had the money - any money at all, or way of getting any, I would have bought some. Any. Just some. My body wanted it badly. But by choice and by financial situation I didn't. I wanted it and I didn't. The feeling passed, but was bad for awhile. I haven't been to Murphy's for almost 7 weeks. A couple of times during the day, but not at night, which was my weakness. My home. I don't have any desire to go right now.
I've been struggling with depression, and I hate to say it, panic. I've never been this way before. I am attributing it to hormonal changes, my cycle is definately changing, menopause will come early. And also to withdrawal symptoms. The combination is a doozie let me tell you. One alone makes me feel crazy. It seems if I drink the night before I wake up in complete panic and very depressed and scared. I shake, and am very anxious, and cry, and am terrified. I hate this feeling. This has kept me from drinking this week. I hate that feeling. And we have pinpointed it to right after I drink. I know, classic withdrawal. This week I have been irritable, depressed, scared, pannicky. At just random times. Withdrawal sucks. I don't have a goal. I know I will drink soon. But I am doing much better.
I just finished "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey. Thats what I have felt like for a very long time. Like I've been in a million little pieces. Broken. The book was a wake up call and a trip home at the same time. It often felt as if someone crawled in my head and began to type. Especially after my week in detox. The book has helped me alot. It will stay with me. Heather, I'm going to give it to you. You need to read this book.
Heather, thanks for your words about Tyler. He told me he saw you and Jeff at the Metallica concert. That you were right behind him. I couldn't believe it, in that whole stadium. Since we have been staying with my mom, Tyler hasn't been staying with us. He will come home when all the power is back on. I don't blame him. But I miss him so much. I've never been away from him this long. I miss him.
The new job is going well. Not used to the new place yet, but I can't complain. I need this job and my family needs this job, and so I do it. Working on the same floor that my mom had cancer on and that my dad was dying on often hits home. Makes me think. And there is something about taking care of dying people that makes you look at life differently.
Everyone has been very nice. So it is going well.
I'm probably going to have to start working again like I used to - working my ass off, to get me out of this mess. But I guess I take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and just hold on till the moment passes. The bad always passes, and I am ok. Even when I was scared and not ok. If I just wait, and take it moment by moment, I am always eventually ok. I learned that from that book. And it makes alot of sense.
Can't wait to be in my own house again.
Cathy, I got your call, I was in the tub. But I did call back tonight while I was at work and left you a message. Can you get together Sunday night? I will have money, and I am not working for sure. I would like to see you.
I caught up on your blog tonight. You sound so way ahead of me when it comes to personal progress. You sound so responsible and accountable to yourself. And so disciplined. I have to ask myself, and you, --- what sentinel event caused you to do such a 180? What was your life like a month ago? You sound great. I would love to talk. I'm sorry your relationship is hard right now. All I've got to say if I'm glad I don't date women. We are so complicated. If I WERE a lesbian, it would probably turn me straight. I can only handle one of me - Wait, I don't even do that very well. Can't imagine my partner being anything like me. One of us needs to be logical. You are a brave soul. It sounds like you are making alot of progress with yourself and J. I really enjoy reading your blog. Thank you for being so open and honest. Royce and me are one area that I tend to keep private.
And you are doing so much better than me with weight loss. I'm still not making progress. Feeling really fat. Now that the weather is cool I have started exercizing more though. I can't believe you have lost 32 pounds. That is so great.
Every once in a while it will dawn on me how amazing our friendship is. Our past - all of it. And now. I feel very fortunate. Very. That kind of thing just doesn't happen. And it did with us. Let me know about Sunday. My treat. Can we go to the same place we did the night you almost killed me? I love that place.
Over the last 4 years I have lived a very destructive life. Between my loss of faith and losing my dad, I have been very destructive to me and everyone around me. When I think about some of the low points, I am so ashamed that all I can do is self hate. I think of my children, and hate who I was. I think of Royce, and hate who I was. I think of the moments I missed, that I will never get back. And the moments I royally fucked up that I can't change. That my children will remember. And all the moments that they never saw directly, but felt on the perimeter. And what all of that did to them. Will I even know exactly what it did to them? The decisions they may make later because of me. And the last 4 years. The near misses that I know about. And the near misses that I don't. Russian Roulette - seriously. And the consequenses if any of those misses would have hit.
And I can barely look at myself.
But I am looking. Its hard not to look when you aren't faded.
I'm coming into the early morning hours of a 4 year night of being faded, the early morning when the daylight starts coming and you start to emerge from the night of drinking before, the party of the night before, and just want to go back to sleep because of the regret of the night before. Its hard to look.
But I am as capable of making good decisions as I am of making bad ones. Its a matter of choice.
I am alive today and am able to choose. This is my power.
I have not had any alcohol for going on 6 days now. I haven't really had a goal, just been turned off with the feelings and lifestyle for the last week. Yesterday was hard, I really wanted a drink, and if I would have had the money - any money at all, or way of getting any, I would have bought some. Any. Just some. My body wanted it badly. But by choice and by financial situation I didn't. I wanted it and I didn't. The feeling passed, but was bad for awhile. I haven't been to Murphy's for almost 7 weeks. A couple of times during the day, but not at night, which was my weakness. My home. I don't have any desire to go right now.
I've been struggling with depression, and I hate to say it, panic. I've never been this way before. I am attributing it to hormonal changes, my cycle is definately changing, menopause will come early. And also to withdrawal symptoms. The combination is a doozie let me tell you. One alone makes me feel crazy. It seems if I drink the night before I wake up in complete panic and very depressed and scared. I shake, and am very anxious, and cry, and am terrified. I hate this feeling. This has kept me from drinking this week. I hate that feeling. And we have pinpointed it to right after I drink. I know, classic withdrawal. This week I have been irritable, depressed, scared, pannicky. At just random times. Withdrawal sucks. I don't have a goal. I know I will drink soon. But I am doing much better.
I just finished "A Million Little Pieces", by James Frey. Thats what I have felt like for a very long time. Like I've been in a million little pieces. Broken. The book was a wake up call and a trip home at the same time. It often felt as if someone crawled in my head and began to type. Especially after my week in detox. The book has helped me alot. It will stay with me. Heather, I'm going to give it to you. You need to read this book.
Heather, thanks for your words about Tyler. He told me he saw you and Jeff at the Metallica concert. That you were right behind him. I couldn't believe it, in that whole stadium. Since we have been staying with my mom, Tyler hasn't been staying with us. He will come home when all the power is back on. I don't blame him. But I miss him so much. I've never been away from him this long. I miss him.
The new job is going well. Not used to the new place yet, but I can't complain. I need this job and my family needs this job, and so I do it. Working on the same floor that my mom had cancer on and that my dad was dying on often hits home. Makes me think. And there is something about taking care of dying people that makes you look at life differently.
Everyone has been very nice. So it is going well.
I'm probably going to have to start working again like I used to - working my ass off, to get me out of this mess. But I guess I take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, and just hold on till the moment passes. The bad always passes, and I am ok. Even when I was scared and not ok. If I just wait, and take it moment by moment, I am always eventually ok. I learned that from that book. And it makes alot of sense.
Can't wait to be in my own house again.
Thursday, November 06, 2008
Speaking Clearly
"America has spoken, and spoken clearly."
And I quote Mr. McCain.
I voted this year, for the first time ever in my life.
I guess I have never felt that my vote mattered.
But this year was different. For lots of reasons.
So I voted.
And I had a very unnexpected emotional reaction to it.
I walked in, was given my ballot and went to my booth.
I voted for president and for most of the local propositions.
I even did my homework and researched the propositions.
I placed my ballot in the ballot reader machine.
And I walked out.
Walked out feeling like I was a part of something important.
Thought about all the people in the world who are not allowed to make a choice.
Thought about the high price of blood that was paid so I could do what I just did.
And I got choked up on the way to the car.
It felt very good, and I was proud of myself.
There wasn't a long wait, but I had decided that I would wait in line if I had to. And I had been up all night at work. But it was important to me.
And I sat with my children last night and watched history being made.
I voted for Obama.
I did not vote for him because he is black.
And I did not vote for him carelessly.
I examined many things, listened carefully, and made my decision carefully over months time.
I voted for Obama because, number 1, I wanted to actively NOT support anything that was anything similar to the last 8 years.
I'm sick of right-wing, bible-beating, rich white America.
Oh yeah, and the economy.
And secondly because I am pretty much Democratic.
I do not agree with everything he agrees with. Gun control for one.
But for me, he is the best candidate.
Awhile back he had a interview at a church, I believe it was Saddleback Church in California, but I'm not sure. I was very impressed with all of his answers. And on the topics I didn't totally agree with him on, I was satisfied with his answers. I was very impressed at how he held his ground on the issues in front of a large church full of conservative, right wing, white Christians. How he didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get their vote. I have never seen a politician do this. Abortion, same sex issues, the war, our soldiers. I liked what he had to say. And so I made my decision.
I have been outright shocked at some of the reactions to him. I know that politics can always be a heated topic. But the outright hatred I have seen in people when his name comes up. And I know it is because he is black. If he were a 50 year old, good looking, less experienced, well spoken white man there would not be hatred involved. They might not agree or support, but they wouldn't hate. But there are so many that are so utterly disgusted that a black man is in office (or was running). Its almost humorous to watch. You can almost see the mercury rise on the blood pressure readings.
I'm laughing at all those people right now.
Pretty hard.
So I say GOBAMA!!!!
Arizona Propositions:
Voted no on the same-sex marriage one (which was in favor of same-sex marriages - which still boggles my mind that something like that is even on the ballot, OMG).
Voted no on the illegal immigrant one. Making it harder for businesses to hire them.
Voted no on the payday loan one.
Blogs like this one, http://imfreenow.blogspot.com/.
I'm laughing at them and feel sorry for them at the same time.
You don't seem very free to me.
Its hard for me to believe there are people like that.
I guess thats why our country is great - she and I can both vote.
And I vote Democratic because I grew up too.
Had a nice Halloween with the kids.
I'm with you on that one Heather. Love it.
Cathy, been reading your blog. Thinking about you alot.
Alot. Every day.
And I quote Mr. McCain.
I voted this year, for the first time ever in my life.
I guess I have never felt that my vote mattered.
But this year was different. For lots of reasons.
So I voted.
And I had a very unnexpected emotional reaction to it.
I walked in, was given my ballot and went to my booth.
I voted for president and for most of the local propositions.
I even did my homework and researched the propositions.
I placed my ballot in the ballot reader machine.
And I walked out.
Walked out feeling like I was a part of something important.
Thought about all the people in the world who are not allowed to make a choice.
Thought about the high price of blood that was paid so I could do what I just did.
And I got choked up on the way to the car.
It felt very good, and I was proud of myself.
There wasn't a long wait, but I had decided that I would wait in line if I had to. And I had been up all night at work. But it was important to me.
And I sat with my children last night and watched history being made.
I voted for Obama.
I did not vote for him because he is black.
And I did not vote for him carelessly.
I examined many things, listened carefully, and made my decision carefully over months time.
I voted for Obama because, number 1, I wanted to actively NOT support anything that was anything similar to the last 8 years.
I'm sick of right-wing, bible-beating, rich white America.
Oh yeah, and the economy.
And secondly because I am pretty much Democratic.
I do not agree with everything he agrees with. Gun control for one.
But for me, he is the best candidate.
Awhile back he had a interview at a church, I believe it was Saddleback Church in California, but I'm not sure. I was very impressed with all of his answers. And on the topics I didn't totally agree with him on, I was satisfied with his answers. I was very impressed at how he held his ground on the issues in front of a large church full of conservative, right wing, white Christians. How he didn't just say what they wanted to hear to get their vote. I have never seen a politician do this. Abortion, same sex issues, the war, our soldiers. I liked what he had to say. And so I made my decision.
I have been outright shocked at some of the reactions to him. I know that politics can always be a heated topic. But the outright hatred I have seen in people when his name comes up. And I know it is because he is black. If he were a 50 year old, good looking, less experienced, well spoken white man there would not be hatred involved. They might not agree or support, but they wouldn't hate. But there are so many that are so utterly disgusted that a black man is in office (or was running). Its almost humorous to watch. You can almost see the mercury rise on the blood pressure readings.
I'm laughing at all those people right now.
Pretty hard.
So I say GOBAMA!!!!
Arizona Propositions:
Voted no on the same-sex marriage one (which was in favor of same-sex marriages - which still boggles my mind that something like that is even on the ballot, OMG).
Voted no on the illegal immigrant one. Making it harder for businesses to hire them.
Voted no on the payday loan one.
Blogs like this one, http://imfreenow.blogspot.com/.
I'm laughing at them and feel sorry for them at the same time.
You don't seem very free to me.
Its hard for me to believe there are people like that.
I guess thats why our country is great - she and I can both vote.
And I vote Democratic because I grew up too.
Had a nice Halloween with the kids.
I'm with you on that one Heather. Love it.
Cathy, been reading your blog. Thinking about you alot.
Alot. Every day.
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