Still alive. Doing better. Feeling bad cause I don't have money to buy stuff for Halloween. But my first paycheck if on Halloween so it will have to be last minute. Doing better with basically all the other things. Will pay power on the 31st. Hopefully get back into the house soon after. Can't write alot, at work. Job going well. Weather is great. Withdrawal has come to a head. Will be seeing a doctor soon.
Doing good though.
Its a New Moon today.
A patient told me that he got a definate healing/reiki aura from me. That was nice to hear.
Blessed Be everyone.
Life is good.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Sweet Karma
Its been a week. I started my new job, finished orientation, and actually did one shift on the floor. I feel a little better about it, I know I can do it now. Everyone was really nice. And it doesn't seem overwhelming. So this is good.
And you know, I always say life is strange. I guess with the way I believe now, strange isn't the right word. "Karmic" is a better word. I didn't delve into the reasons behind losing my Dialysis job. It was really painful, and I had a hard time writing about it. But I basically lost it because of my boss there. She didn't like me and got rid of me. I have never been fired from a job, and it was really painful. Did alot of bad things inside of me. She said very bad things to me, how I wasn't right for the job, and lots of things, that hurt alot, that I knew in my heart were not true, everything logically told me that it was a personal thing with her, but you know how it is, you start questioning yourself, even though you weren't in the wrong. I always have been a good nurse, even when I didn't feel like it, even when overwhelmed, in all circumstances - I have always prided myself in my work, I am a good nurse. And she really hurt me. And it came totally out of the blue. Complete slap in my face.
Well, guess who was at orientation at my new job? Jennifer. My previous boss who got rid of me. Jennifer, who told me I wasn't right for the job. Apparently when she decided she didn't want me, UPPER MANAGEMENT decided they didn't want HER. Its a beautiful thing. The first day of orientation we saw each other. The look on her face reminded me of those commercials - "WANNA GET AWAY???" I smuggly sat in orientation, in front of her, knowing that she got fired after she let me go, and now she knew I KNEW, and now we were hired for the exact same position, we were equals now. And she totally took a pay cut and a position cut. She went from managing a clinic to being a floor nurse. And she's on a med/surg floor. She went from signing payroll checks and playing queen bitch, to cleaning up shit and taking vitals. Just like me. Actually on her floor, probably more shit. And I had nothing to do with it. Again.
Yeah. Feels good.
I still wanna stab her in the eye though. She is the reason we are staying with my mom right now.
Ahh...............Karma.
Other than that, I'm doing better. Had very little to drink this last week. An amazingly huge decrease. I feel better. I spent alot more time with the kids this week. Started exercizing. Fighting alot less, even though we are really stressed right now. Picked up an extra shift tonight. I'm going to keep Registry for extra money. Its easy, and its good money.
Tyler got a job. So I'm excited for him. Its the same place that Taylor works. He has been staying with her while we are at my mom's. Its just easier, and he has a place to sleep better than a couch. I miss him terribly. I can't wait to get him home.
Its still hard to look at myself. The effect of alcohol are finally harder for me than having to look at myself, and so I've been forced to look at me alot more lately. It is still really hard. I don't like me and what I've done. I feel like I'm a grown woman, I should not have the financial or family problems that I do. All from bad decisions.
Doing better entails looking at yourself. Its kinda like when I decide to get in shape. I may be on the right track, say even lost 20 pounds, but instead of ignoring what I look like and stuffing my face, I am now looking in the mirror. And even though I've made good progress, I'm transparent now, and its hard to look at. When I'm out of shape and not caring, thats when I feel the best about myself, cause I'm not looking. Then when you are forced to look in order to change, it is completely horrific.
I am ashamed of alot. But I am not going to waste my time or energy on it. Remember "Mr. Brownstone"? Axel Rose? "I'm not gonna worry about nothin, . . . . No, cause worryin' is a waste of my time."
I see a very faded picture of who I know I can be. Physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally. This is what I have to keep looking at. I just keep seeing the NOW me. I feel so lost and ashamed alot of the time.
And physically fighting withdrawal makes nothing easier.
One day at a ...............................
Oh wait, I hate those.
But, the weather is cooler. Its nicer outside. There is a feel in the air. And life is good if I choose it.
I have to nuture my good wolf.
Blessed Be
And you know, I always say life is strange. I guess with the way I believe now, strange isn't the right word. "Karmic" is a better word. I didn't delve into the reasons behind losing my Dialysis job. It was really painful, and I had a hard time writing about it. But I basically lost it because of my boss there. She didn't like me and got rid of me. I have never been fired from a job, and it was really painful. Did alot of bad things inside of me. She said very bad things to me, how I wasn't right for the job, and lots of things, that hurt alot, that I knew in my heart were not true, everything logically told me that it was a personal thing with her, but you know how it is, you start questioning yourself, even though you weren't in the wrong. I always have been a good nurse, even when I didn't feel like it, even when overwhelmed, in all circumstances - I have always prided myself in my work, I am a good nurse. And she really hurt me. And it came totally out of the blue. Complete slap in my face.
Well, guess who was at orientation at my new job? Jennifer. My previous boss who got rid of me. Jennifer, who told me I wasn't right for the job. Apparently when she decided she didn't want me, UPPER MANAGEMENT decided they didn't want HER. Its a beautiful thing. The first day of orientation we saw each other. The look on her face reminded me of those commercials - "WANNA GET AWAY???" I smuggly sat in orientation, in front of her, knowing that she got fired after she let me go, and now she knew I KNEW, and now we were hired for the exact same position, we were equals now. And she totally took a pay cut and a position cut. She went from managing a clinic to being a floor nurse. And she's on a med/surg floor. She went from signing payroll checks and playing queen bitch, to cleaning up shit and taking vitals. Just like me. Actually on her floor, probably more shit. And I had nothing to do with it. Again.
Yeah. Feels good.
I still wanna stab her in the eye though. She is the reason we are staying with my mom right now.
Ahh...............Karma.
Other than that, I'm doing better. Had very little to drink this last week. An amazingly huge decrease. I feel better. I spent alot more time with the kids this week. Started exercizing. Fighting alot less, even though we are really stressed right now. Picked up an extra shift tonight. I'm going to keep Registry for extra money. Its easy, and its good money.
Tyler got a job. So I'm excited for him. Its the same place that Taylor works. He has been staying with her while we are at my mom's. Its just easier, and he has a place to sleep better than a couch. I miss him terribly. I can't wait to get him home.
Its still hard to look at myself. The effect of alcohol are finally harder for me than having to look at myself, and so I've been forced to look at me alot more lately. It is still really hard. I don't like me and what I've done. I feel like I'm a grown woman, I should not have the financial or family problems that I do. All from bad decisions.
Doing better entails looking at yourself. Its kinda like when I decide to get in shape. I may be on the right track, say even lost 20 pounds, but instead of ignoring what I look like and stuffing my face, I am now looking in the mirror. And even though I've made good progress, I'm transparent now, and its hard to look at. When I'm out of shape and not caring, thats when I feel the best about myself, cause I'm not looking. Then when you are forced to look in order to change, it is completely horrific.
I am ashamed of alot. But I am not going to waste my time or energy on it. Remember "Mr. Brownstone"? Axel Rose? "I'm not gonna worry about nothin, . . . . No, cause worryin' is a waste of my time."
I see a very faded picture of who I know I can be. Physically, spiritually, financially, emotionally. This is what I have to keep looking at. I just keep seeing the NOW me. I feel so lost and ashamed alot of the time.
And physically fighting withdrawal makes nothing easier.
One day at a ...............................
Oh wait, I hate those.
But, the weather is cooler. Its nicer outside. There is a feel in the air. And life is good if I choose it.
I have to nuture my good wolf.
Blessed Be
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Craig's Travel Blog
Found a very cool new blog.
www.craigaio.blogspot.com
Great pictures.
Its on my favorites list.
It will be SOOOOOOOOO long before I ever get to go to any of those places.
I love this blog.
www.craigaio.blogspot.com
Great pictures.
Its on my favorites list.
It will be SOOOOOOOOO long before I ever get to go to any of those places.
I love this blog.
One Day At A Time
Thank you so much Stacey for the Birthday card. It was so great to get it. I didn't even get one from my mom. It was really unexpected and very appreciated. Thanks. It made me feel so good.
And Heather - I love you too. Alot.
Lyndsey just had her 10th birthday on the 10th. It was a very fun day. I was able to get her almost everything she asked for. Feels good. She is so beautiful.
But I start my new job on Monday. So things will get better. It will be the best paying job I've had that includes bennies. And its close to home. So I am excited. It will be on an oncology floor, actually the same floor that my mom and dad were both on. Which brings back some memories. It will be a new area of nursing for me. I am excited and scared both. But I have to make it work. I need this job. So I guess losing the dialysis job was a blessing in disguise. Who woulda thought. I am making this job my top priority. I am dedicating myself to giving all that I am to it. In every way.
I started thinking about me, from my mom's point of view. I always say I will never treat my children the way my mom has treated me. But I'm not sure how I would feel about my children if they did the things to me that I have done to her. I want to be a good daughter. And know I haven't. I owe her so much money. One of my main goals after I start this job is to start paying her back. I really want to. Its hard to think about. I am willing to look at it though, if it will help me change who I am. I haven't liked who I am recently. The lack of alcohol makes it impossible for me to avoid looking at myself. And its hard. It feels alot better to be numb. Its been slapping me in the face lately, all of the things I have done in the last few years. The lies. The lies have been bothering me lately.
If I were her, I wouldn't trust me either.
The beauty and peace that I have found in Wicca has really been my only grounding point lately. When I feel completely off, it is always there. The spells, and celebrations, the history, the goddess, all of it. It has been the only thing I have been holding on to inside. And I haven't been true to it either. But it is still there for me to hold on to. A reason for me to be a better person, along with my family.
I haven't been to Murphy's in 2 weeks. This is amazing for me.
I don't like looking at myself.
Peggy is back. She looks great, and looks well, and looks happy.
The weather has finally cooled down here. It was like 65 on my birthday, and tonight it was supposed to get down to 49. I love it.
And Heather - I love you too. Alot.
Lyndsey just had her 10th birthday on the 10th. It was a very fun day. I was able to get her almost everything she asked for. Feels good. She is so beautiful.
But I start my new job on Monday. So things will get better. It will be the best paying job I've had that includes bennies. And its close to home. So I am excited. It will be on an oncology floor, actually the same floor that my mom and dad were both on. Which brings back some memories. It will be a new area of nursing for me. I am excited and scared both. But I have to make it work. I need this job. So I guess losing the dialysis job was a blessing in disguise. Who woulda thought. I am making this job my top priority. I am dedicating myself to giving all that I am to it. In every way.
I started thinking about me, from my mom's point of view. I always say I will never treat my children the way my mom has treated me. But I'm not sure how I would feel about my children if they did the things to me that I have done to her. I want to be a good daughter. And know I haven't. I owe her so much money. One of my main goals after I start this job is to start paying her back. I really want to. Its hard to think about. I am willing to look at it though, if it will help me change who I am. I haven't liked who I am recently. The lack of alcohol makes it impossible for me to avoid looking at myself. And its hard. It feels alot better to be numb. Its been slapping me in the face lately, all of the things I have done in the last few years. The lies. The lies have been bothering me lately.
If I were her, I wouldn't trust me either.
The beauty and peace that I have found in Wicca has really been my only grounding point lately. When I feel completely off, it is always there. The spells, and celebrations, the history, the goddess, all of it. It has been the only thing I have been holding on to inside. And I haven't been true to it either. But it is still there for me to hold on to. A reason for me to be a better person, along with my family.
I haven't been to Murphy's in 2 weeks. This is amazing for me.
I don't like looking at myself.
Peggy is back. She looks great, and looks well, and looks happy.
The weather has finally cooled down here. It was like 65 on my birthday, and tonight it was supposed to get down to 49. I love it.
So I'm going to start exercizing. And being more true to myself and my beliefs.
I know I have the strength to do both. I have done much harder things.
Blessed Be
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
