Weird Bug

Here is a picture of the weird bug we found in our backyard a few nights ago.

It had 10 legs.

Got smashed.

Weird though.

Things that make you go.........hmmmmmmm..................

Working

I'm actually working tonight, through registry. Yeah!!!
We need it so bad.
And I have to call about an interview tomorrow.
Thanks for all the good energy sent my way.
Still need to do my spell.
I thought the Full Moon would be the best,
but its actually the New Moon I need.
So I will wait.

Sharon, its good to hear from you. I'm glad that you and your family are all ok.

Imagine.............

I just have to mention how interesting and ironic I find it that 3 years ago when we went down to Lousiana to help out with Katrina, how when we crossed the Texas border people started treating us really bad, when they found out we were on our way to help "those black people", "the niggers", how they quit serving us in restaurants, how they whispered around us and laughed - LAUGHED in disgust that we were helping black people. I remember some comments I encountered. How Katrina was an effect of god removing his protection from a city of blatant sin, comparing it to Sodom and Gomorrah. How the city of New Orleans somehow deserved it and brought it on itself for being so "godless." And how the people somehow were unworthy of our time and effort because they were poor black "niggers".

All of this attitude right after we cross into Texas.

And now a hurricane hits Texas.

The white, Repulican, bible belt state that it is.

What was god thinking this time?

If you left ME on my roof for 7 days, flew by in a helicopter "just to look" and take some pictures, I'd try to shoot your ass down too.

My thoughts do go out to Sharon and her family. I've been thinking about you all and hope you all are ok and that your house is ok. Your blog is quiet, since July. I hope you are all ok. I did get your email, but it was before Ike hit.

I've been reading "The Dark Side of Christian History" by Helen Ellerbe. I've gone through the history of Orthodox Christianity/Catholicism from 100 - 400, 200 -500 when Christianity was introduced to the Romans, 300 - 500 when force started being used, 500 - 1000 The Dark Ages,
1000 - 1500 The Middle Ages, 1280 - 1800 The Inquisition, 1500 to 1700 The Reformation, and right now I'm at 1450 to 1750 The Witch Hunts. It may seen common knowledge to most people - these dates and names of times in history - but not to me. I never learned any of it.

As I was reading,

about all the massacres and torture and mind control and the destruction of so much art and literature and philosophy, and more brutal slayings and raping and horror, all of the money and lands stolen and acquired by the church, all in the name of god. All "justified" and allowed, not even hidden but bragged about and rewarded, In the name of God, for so long, realizing that this history is the foundation of the Catholic and Christians belief system today,
this history is the basis of all christian belief today, all denominations, but particularly Catholic,

I started to realize why maybe we weren't ever taught World History at Thunderbird Academy.

Are the actions of the fathers of Christianity any different than those of Hitler? Murder and torture because one is different? For material gain? Because someone's looks and beliefs are threatening to you? And they killed way more people than Hitler. There is no difference. The neo-Nazis of today are considered freakish and evil for following in his footsteps. How is the Church any different? Any church?

How can one base their belief system of something that came out of something so very very evil? This is a question that would have been asked. That couldn't be asked because we didn't know about it. (Sounds alot like the tactics used in history).

How can one base their belief system on text that was openly rewritten, proudly rewritten to say what they wanted it to say? How can you believe in a text or book that was admittedly altered and rewritten?

And I can hear the Adventists, or any other denomination, reply.

That the sacred scriptures were protected by divine intervention throughout history.

Well then, where was that divine intervention and protection when people were being slaughtered? Which takes me back to my quote a few days ago. If god is ominpotent, why doesn't he prevent evil?

The whole idea, the more I learn, just does not make any sense to me.

Think I found out why they didn't teach it at Academy though.

I respect everyone's RIGHT to believe any religion they choose, however I am completely disgusted with anyone who claims to be or identifies with being Catholic. I am disgusted. That you either don't care enough to research your foundation of beliefs, or you just don't care what they did. Either way, to me you are disgusting. Utterly. And its MY RIGHT to feel that way.

No Wiccan every killed anyone who didn't believe in the moon or the goddess or magick. We don't even worship Jesus and we act more like him.

Did you know that the Catholic Church didn't revoke its condemnation of Galileo until 1965?Thats 5 years before I was born, they still were condemning one of our greatest scientists.
And that torture remained a legal option for the Church until 1917? 1917 !!!!!!!

Fascinating stuff.

After this book I'm reading the "Malleus Maleficarum". I've had it for awhile.

In the words of John Lennon...................................

This unemployed thing is getting really old really fast.
I put in some applications in person, and I've put some in online this morning.
So we shall see.
Wish me luck.
I hate being broke.
This has to change. Fast.

I even put one in at County. Wouldn't that be funny.
It could happen.

Darcy is there now. I would love to see her again.

I still want to go and live here, where ever it is, and never come back. I go to this blog just to get away in my mind. What I would do to live there. I think its in New York. She is very quiet though. Never writes personally, or responds. Just pictures. But I so enjoy it. Love it.

http://ancramgarden.blogspot.com/

HOLY SHIT

Oh My God,
Nikki you are going to die.

I just found out that Tyler's geometry teacher is.........................

Mr. Albertsen.

Spell Work

"Is God willing to prevent evil,

but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?"

- Epicurus, Greek philosopher, 341 - 270 BCE

Its amazing to me that someone thousands of years ago could ask the same questions I do today, and come to the same conslusion.

Feeling very lost lately. Sometimes I really miss the beliefs I grew up with. There was comfort in them, even if they were fiction. Its something that is hard to replace. Royce and I both got sad the other day. We were watching "Evan Almighty". I remember that feeling of safety and comfort, the feeling that something almighty and powerful was standing right behind you, backing you up. The feeling of faith. Watching the movie we both got sad at the same time. He said to me, "It would be nice to believe in something, like that again, something that could fix anything." I think we both got teary during the movie. Its a great movie. I still love the story of Noah.

Faith is a big thing to lose. And I've lost mine. At least faith in god.

There is more out there. I hope. I feel that there is.

Feeling lost lately. Job, finances, family, fitness, house. Lost.

Feeling lost. I've got to snap out of this. Been cooking lately. I actually can cook, just don't do it very often. And cooking magick is so wonderful. So healing. Made spaghetti sauce today. Yum. It helps to cook. Doing a spell tonight. Been planning it for a few days. It must be a very powerful one too, cause as soon as I had decided firmly to do it, not even done it yet, just decided to - thing after thing after thing started happening. Things that have never happened before concerning this particular matter. Little things. But weird. Just at the suggestion of the spell. And every time I question the power of spells I am pleasantly surprised and humbled.

Its a spell for work. I really hate nursing. Don't want to do it anymore. I know I have to if there is nothing else that I can support my family with. Its a spell to open up something for me, somehow, that is more in the "entertainment field", like I mentioned earlier. I'm just comfortable there, and would be very good at it. Money is the thing though. Either bartending, or waitressing at a "club", or dancing (trying not to limit my energy potential here, so don't laugh), or whatever. Just open to it all. There is money to be made.

We were at our favorite club right after I had decided to do the spell. I was going over the instrustions and my grocery list of things to get in the club. A song came on, I wanted to know who it was, asked the DJ. Now usually, they tell you who it is, you say thank you and that is that. I went up to the little booth, asked the DJ, who we've seen many times, he tells me who it is, then says "you know, I can put the song on CD for you. In fact, why don't you make a list of songs you want, a whole bunch, and I'll make you a CD." Wow, that has never happened before. So I took him up on it. I instantly felt energy sweeping me in that direction. And the feeling that people were going to be extremely receptive to me. Just like the DJ. It was a little weird.

Next thing. About 45 minutes later, still in the club, dancers all around, hot half naked women all around, Royce had to go somewhere then come back, so I go to the bar and sit down. This really hot guy (and trust me they don't happen in there a whole lot) was next to me at the bar. He starts talking to me. So much so that one of the dancers, one of my best friends there, comes over and acts really jealous and defensive, like I'm taking business away from her. Imagine that, Barb taking business away from a hot stripper. I was taken back. She left, walked around, came back, all jealous. I wasn't even flirting. And this next part, wow. So he's talking to me, and asks me if I'd like a shot of Jack. Well, yeah, sure. Just have never had a guy buy ME a drink in a strip club before. They always reserve that action for the dancers. But me. He bought me a drink. In there. Amazing. Kept feeling amazing energy from the suggestion of this spell.

Then lastly, after we left there we went to Murphy's for a little while. I'm talking to Lance, the owner, our friend, and he offers me the Monday day shift if the new bartender doesn't work out, cause he may have taken a job somewhere else. Totally offered me a shift bartending. At my favorite place.

I need to do this spell. Its a very powerful one. I think I have everything and think I am going to do it tonight. Before I apply anywhere.

Got to snap out of this funk. No one is going to hire me or want me if I'm this depressed soul that I am. Gotta exercise or something. Gotta get my fitness going or I'm going to ruin any posibilities the spell will provide.

Blessed Be.

178

Just got done listening to Sarah Palin's speech. I like her. Alot. But I'm still voting Obama, so far. I kinda wish she was running.

Yes Steph, that was one of the issues. I didn't know other people knew, but then again I am totally out of the Tempe loop. (I didn't even know the school closed till today). I just want her to be ok.

They say when it rains, it pours. I've got a fucking Monsoon going in my life. Life has been very stressful lately, and now some icing on the cake. I resigned from my "perfect" job today, for various reasons that I don't want to talk about. Once again, looking for a job. If I weighed alot less I would have alot of other options right now.

However the stress is killing my appetite, which is good.

I did good yesterday with food, soup 320 cals and a salad 500 cals. 820 total.

But not so great with alcohol, but I was expecting that for yesterday.

Small pitcher of bud, 2 doubles of tequila, and a shot of Jager. I think, don't really remember. Lets say about about 1000 cals. I know wasted calories.

I haven't had any alcohol today. I don't really want any. I just needed some yesterday.

Today I did good with food, about maybe 600 calories.

And I've lost 6 pounds since Sunday. I am 178.

Hovering

Worked 14 hours today.
Ate twice. Spaghetti both times. Probably about 500 - 600 calories.
Had a diet Full Throttle to get through the day.
Today is the 6th Anniversary of our first date.
In some ways more important than our wedding anniversary.
It was such a perfect date.
Sat with Royce at Murph's for a little.
Went somewhere else had a double
(really a triple, blessed heavy-pouring local bartenders)
of Jager.
Stopped there - Wow, thats a first.

Tomorrow is the day my Dad died 2 years ago.
I know I will drink tomorrow.

I can see, like I'm floating above the room in Hospice 2 years ago. Hovering.
This was the night I spent with him.
Where I read to him.
And told him everything I needed to say. And watched his uneaven breathing.
And held his hand.
And fed him chocolate.
And he looked at me. Alot.
And we listened to his music.
And watched his movies.
He was "there" that night.
That was the last time.
Then the next night. Tomorrow.
Living corpse.Shell.
And left Peggy there, unknowingly, by herself to watch him take his last breath.
But god I was so thankful for that last breath.
He starved and dehydrated for 9 days.
Enough.
But I was lucky to have that night 2 years ago.
Not many people do.

Ociferswife - I have two words.
Kindred Spirit.
I can feel the connection already.

Nikki, I need you.
Especially now.
Thanks for being there.

I am so tired tonight, that I can't write anymore, or to anyone else.
But I will write to you both.

My oldest friend,
and my newest.

I did good with food today.
And alcohol.
Must lose this weight.
I am determined to this time.
It will save me from certain torture.
It will let me be who I really am.

I love you Dad.
My only consolation is that you finally have peace.
I would visit you tomorrow, but I know that you aren't really there.
But I may visit your body.
Its still who you were,
and I miss you very much.
Its the only way I can visit "you".

I love you Royce.
And I love you Dad.

Namaste and Peace.
I wish I had either one.