I'm making the choice to do low carb. At least for now. Its the fastest.
New spot I will go to everyday.
http://tracyrif.blogspot.com
She is on my side bar now.
Its been a long time since I visited Tracy.
I am 184.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Barbie Page
Have had a hard time writing lately. Part of it is because there are two things going on that I can't write about in a public way. For respect for 2 other people. Nikki and Heather I can tell you both. Later.
A big part of my life right now is my job. I thought it was so perfect, but at this point am really really not wanting to work in healthcare at all, ever again. Its just not worth it. For 12 bucks an hour, for 40 bucks an hour, or for 100 bucks an hour. Just not worth it.
I think I will just get in shape, and waitress and dance. I've had a lot of people lately tell me I could do it. That I don't look my age, that I'm very cute, and that I have the right personality. I need to get in shape for my reunion anyhow. I promised Royce I would start working out when the weather cooled down, in late September. But I think I'm gonna start now, the beginning of September. I have about 60 pounds to lose. Not that much really, when you look at some people that have lost so much. And I know with even 30 pounds lost I will look so different.
I have felt this way for a long time, but never quite got to the ending point. After whats happened lately, the straw has broke the camels back. Done. Just can't jump without looking, or making sure everyone around me is ok and doesn't suffer because of it. But in my mind, I am done. And I will leave nursing as soon as I can. I just can't do it stupidly, like I've done in the past. Nothing spur of the moment or emotional. It has to be planned and well thought out. And that planning starts now.
I'm tired of helping people, and being hurt in return. I would much rather be in an industry where you cater to people's basic hedonistic natures. Where you cater to their "sins". Where you aren't trying to make them better, you are just trying to make them feel good, and making a living off of it. I'm tired of my paycheck and career being based on caring.
I don't anymore, and am not good at it anymore. Don't want to do it.
I will be 38 in about a month. I've had it in my head that I am too old. Lately people have told me though that I could totally do it. People have always told me that. I just never really took it seriously, and thought I was trapped in my job. I'm switching gears in my mind. I am the only thing holding me back. They have told me I look good enough, and definatly have the right personality to be very good at it. Without even mentioning my weight. I know I have to lose weight. So it begins today.
I will either dance, waitress, bartend, and/or eventually own a bar or a strip club. We've talked about this many times. And I've just made the decision. I will do this.
Between whats going on with the two people I can't write about, my view on food intake and looks and on helping people and sex, all of those things, my view is pushing me to enter that world and leave this one behind.
I don't expect anyone to hire me fat. So it begins today. I will go weigh myself and post that. And go from there.
I'm so angry. So angry.
That will be my fuel.
The only people I take care of now is me and my inner circle.
Sydney has a camera. I will start taking and posting pictures.
Barbie Page. I like that.
A big part of my life right now is my job. I thought it was so perfect, but at this point am really really not wanting to work in healthcare at all, ever again. Its just not worth it. For 12 bucks an hour, for 40 bucks an hour, or for 100 bucks an hour. Just not worth it.
I think I will just get in shape, and waitress and dance. I've had a lot of people lately tell me I could do it. That I don't look my age, that I'm very cute, and that I have the right personality. I need to get in shape for my reunion anyhow. I promised Royce I would start working out when the weather cooled down, in late September. But I think I'm gonna start now, the beginning of September. I have about 60 pounds to lose. Not that much really, when you look at some people that have lost so much. And I know with even 30 pounds lost I will look so different.
I have felt this way for a long time, but never quite got to the ending point. After whats happened lately, the straw has broke the camels back. Done. Just can't jump without looking, or making sure everyone around me is ok and doesn't suffer because of it. But in my mind, I am done. And I will leave nursing as soon as I can. I just can't do it stupidly, like I've done in the past. Nothing spur of the moment or emotional. It has to be planned and well thought out. And that planning starts now.
I'm tired of helping people, and being hurt in return. I would much rather be in an industry where you cater to people's basic hedonistic natures. Where you cater to their "sins". Where you aren't trying to make them better, you are just trying to make them feel good, and making a living off of it. I'm tired of my paycheck and career being based on caring.
I don't anymore, and am not good at it anymore. Don't want to do it.
I will be 38 in about a month. I've had it in my head that I am too old. Lately people have told me though that I could totally do it. People have always told me that. I just never really took it seriously, and thought I was trapped in my job. I'm switching gears in my mind. I am the only thing holding me back. They have told me I look good enough, and definatly have the right personality to be very good at it. Without even mentioning my weight. I know I have to lose weight. So it begins today.
I will either dance, waitress, bartend, and/or eventually own a bar or a strip club. We've talked about this many times. And I've just made the decision. I will do this.
Between whats going on with the two people I can't write about, my view on food intake and looks and on helping people and sex, all of those things, my view is pushing me to enter that world and leave this one behind.
I don't expect anyone to hire me fat. So it begins today. I will go weigh myself and post that. And go from there.
I'm so angry. So angry.
That will be my fuel.
The only people I take care of now is me and my inner circle.
Sydney has a camera. I will start taking and posting pictures.
Barbie Page. I like that.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Chopin
I passed my test.
The final consisted of this like 100 question written test and then about 45 minutes of a practical. They really have a pretty rigorous training program. I'm glad its over. Its weird being an RN for 10 years and then being a student again for like 12 weeks. But it is so worth it. I love my job.
Happy Birthday Heather!!!! Sorry I missed it. We should go out or something. I need to see you. Hope you had a good day.
Nikki, I'm back having coffee. See ya there.
Its payday. Gotta get these damn fake nails off. They are beautiful, but so in the way.
I'm going to start playing Chopin again. Tyler is begging me too. I'll have to write about him sometime. He loves chopin too. What are the odds? Mr. Self-centered materialistic oportunist Golden Child went to the music store on his own, purchased a book of all of the Chopin Etudes, Opus 10 and Opus 25, with his own money, just for me.
I heard him the other day slowly fingering out the top line of Opus 10 number 4. Now I know that that sounds really complicated to those that aren't familiar with it, but anyone who knew me at all in high school would know it. I spent 6 years learning that song. I'm sure I drove everyone nets. And it still amazes me.
I flipped through the Etudes. Lots of memories. So much forgotten. Got on YouTube. Listened to the Ballades.
Its like I teleported back in time.
I'm a different kind of mom. I've never restricted anything from my kids. I've let Tyler listen to any music, I've always thought it was a personal choice no matter how offensive to other people. Like the hard core rap and stuff, with "Fuck" and horrible racial terms, and expicit sexual lyrics. The word "clit" flys around like sparrows. But I never restricted it. Never got upset about porn or sex. It simply doesn't bother me. Christian values aren't emphasized in our home (obviously) and so don't get in the way. I'm sure he is having sex with Taylor. I'm glad its not in some backseat or public restroom. I've educated him about diseases and birth control, made it available, and have been very open. Its his decision, and I have educated him. Sex is fun. Enjoy it. Be responsible. Never restricted porn, either on the computer or otherwise. It just doesn't bother me. They are bodies, beautiful ones, and are having sex. I am much more concerned about violence and pain. There are things I don't want my children to see. But its not sex. I've never restricted video games. He plays Grand Theft Auto, 5 now I think, Halo, Oblivion, whatever. All my kids do. The "Parental Advisory" warning label simply doesn't apply to our house.
I never restricted anything. Left everything open to his choice. And he explored everything.
And he is literally begging me for piano lessons, found a teacher and pressing me to sign up. Says he will even ride the bus there and has the bus route laid out.
And he told his teacher at school that he will have an Etude perfected by the end of the school year.
This is someone who taught himself to play. No real formal lessons. And he picks Chopin.
But then again - It is my DNA.
I have forgotten how therapeutic Chopin and the piano are.
The phrase "Doctor heal thyself" is slapping me in the face.
I need to start playing again. For me and for Tyler.
Here it is on YouTube.
Ahh..........the memories.
The final consisted of this like 100 question written test and then about 45 minutes of a practical. They really have a pretty rigorous training program. I'm glad its over. Its weird being an RN for 10 years and then being a student again for like 12 weeks. But it is so worth it. I love my job.
Happy Birthday Heather!!!! Sorry I missed it. We should go out or something. I need to see you. Hope you had a good day.
Nikki, I'm back having coffee. See ya there.
Its payday. Gotta get these damn fake nails off. They are beautiful, but so in the way.
I'm going to start playing Chopin again. Tyler is begging me too. I'll have to write about him sometime. He loves chopin too. What are the odds? Mr. Self-centered materialistic oportunist Golden Child went to the music store on his own, purchased a book of all of the Chopin Etudes, Opus 10 and Opus 25, with his own money, just for me.
I heard him the other day slowly fingering out the top line of Opus 10 number 4. Now I know that that sounds really complicated to those that aren't familiar with it, but anyone who knew me at all in high school would know it. I spent 6 years learning that song. I'm sure I drove everyone nets. And it still amazes me.
I flipped through the Etudes. Lots of memories. So much forgotten. Got on YouTube. Listened to the Ballades.
Its like I teleported back in time.
I'm a different kind of mom. I've never restricted anything from my kids. I've let Tyler listen to any music, I've always thought it was a personal choice no matter how offensive to other people. Like the hard core rap and stuff, with "Fuck" and horrible racial terms, and expicit sexual lyrics. The word "clit" flys around like sparrows. But I never restricted it. Never got upset about porn or sex. It simply doesn't bother me. Christian values aren't emphasized in our home (obviously) and so don't get in the way. I'm sure he is having sex with Taylor. I'm glad its not in some backseat or public restroom. I've educated him about diseases and birth control, made it available, and have been very open. Its his decision, and I have educated him. Sex is fun. Enjoy it. Be responsible. Never restricted porn, either on the computer or otherwise. It just doesn't bother me. They are bodies, beautiful ones, and are having sex. I am much more concerned about violence and pain. There are things I don't want my children to see. But its not sex. I've never restricted video games. He plays Grand Theft Auto, 5 now I think, Halo, Oblivion, whatever. All my kids do. The "Parental Advisory" warning label simply doesn't apply to our house.
I never restricted anything. Left everything open to his choice. And he explored everything.
And he is literally begging me for piano lessons, found a teacher and pressing me to sign up. Says he will even ride the bus there and has the bus route laid out.
And he told his teacher at school that he will have an Etude perfected by the end of the school year.
This is someone who taught himself to play. No real formal lessons. And he picks Chopin.
But then again - It is my DNA.
I have forgotten how therapeutic Chopin and the piano are.
The phrase "Doctor heal thyself" is slapping me in the face.
I need to start playing again. For me and for Tyler.
Here it is on YouTube.
Ahh..........the memories.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
My Very Drunk Wolf
I've been thinking a lot lately about that story of the two wolves.
The two wolves that each of us has in us.
One made up of everything bad - hate, darkness, evil, sadness.
The other of everything good - love, giving, light, happiness.
Fighting inside of each of us all the time.
And which one "wins"?
The one we feed, --- of course.
The last time I worked I had two patients. I'm going to call them "Miss Fay" and "Miss Spring".
They both are older women, Miss Fay probably 20 years younger than Miss Spring, Miss Spring being 93 years old.
I ran both of their treatments.
They sat next to each other.
They are so much the same in so many ways. Both older females. Both in kidney failure. Both on dialysis.
But they are on completely opposite sides of the happiness scale.
Watching them just makes it so obvious that it is a choice.
Everyone loves Spring. She is 93, witty, quick, never complains, and keeps us in stitches for 3 hours 3 times a week. Everyone wants to take care of her. The first time I saw her she was talking about how she drinks her bourbon every night. Well, at 93, you go for it Girlfriend!!!
Fay is hateful, mean, spews horrible racial comments to the other patients and staff who aren't white, complains, bitches and moans the whole time. And looks like death. Really, honestly, like she should be in her coffin. No one wants to take care of her, and some refuse because she has been so hateful.
Maybe she should have a little of that Bourbon.
The two of them just make me think, thats all.
********************************************************************
On a different note, but not really,
I haven't been successful with my sobriety.
Am doing better though.
Had a couple of really bad lapses.
Doing better now though.
************************************************************
I've been feeding my bad wolf alcohol. I have a very alcoholic, intoxicated, drunk wolf.
***********************************************************
I am learning the reasons I drink.
The things that I want to be numb from.
There are alot of them.
To list them would just sound like bitching.
About a week ago, one of the really bad days, it started out ok, with the intention of having a beer or two. I drank all day. Several different places. By the time night had fallen, I decided I wanted to see my dad. I drove, yes drove, to the cemetary. Complete nightfall. The cemetary was closed, so I parked the van, got out, and walked all the way back to where he is. Found him in the pitch black. And sat there on top of him and sobbed. I used to think they were scary places at night. Just lonely. It kills me that he is there all the time. Everyday, everynight, winter, summer. Just there. Well, his body is.
I sobbed. And cleaned off his stone. Looked around. Death all around me. Ran my fingers over "MEGALE". Picked a little handful of grass that was growing over him, and walked through the very dark dark cemetary, over other gravestones, back to the van. Came home, patch of grass in hand. Had a major cry fest. I haven't cried like that since he died. I've just been numb. Clutched my grass. NUMB.
Royce said that night that I have never grieved since he died. Just numbed. Its been two years almost.
I'm going to feel sad now. I'm going to let myself miss him. I'm going to cry. No more numb.
I will never have another drink because of my Dad again. Ever.
And after two days ago, it felt good to write all that. But its been enough time. But I'm choosing to be Miss Fay and not Miss Spring.
I will never have another drink because of Kirk again either. Ever.
*********************************************************************************
I hadn't had anything to drink for 3 days. Didn't really want anything. Saw the kids a lot. It was nice.
I had one beer this afternoon. An Amber Bock. Yummy. And the nice bartenter who thinks I'm hot gave me a shot on the house.
I drank today because I was thirsty, it was 110 outside, and it tasted really good.
And any free shot earned by cleavage ALWAYS tastes good.
But I didn't drink to get away from anything.
Maybe this isn't the perfect way to do it, but its working for me right now.
***************************************************************
I take my Dialysis exam tomorrow at 1 pm. It will seal my job. I have to pass.
Wish me luck.
The two wolves that each of us has in us.
One made up of everything bad - hate, darkness, evil, sadness.
The other of everything good - love, giving, light, happiness.
Fighting inside of each of us all the time.
And which one "wins"?
The one we feed, --- of course.
The last time I worked I had two patients. I'm going to call them "Miss Fay" and "Miss Spring".
They both are older women, Miss Fay probably 20 years younger than Miss Spring, Miss Spring being 93 years old.
I ran both of their treatments.
They sat next to each other.
They are so much the same in so many ways. Both older females. Both in kidney failure. Both on dialysis.
But they are on completely opposite sides of the happiness scale.
Watching them just makes it so obvious that it is a choice.
Everyone loves Spring. She is 93, witty, quick, never complains, and keeps us in stitches for 3 hours 3 times a week. Everyone wants to take care of her. The first time I saw her she was talking about how she drinks her bourbon every night. Well, at 93, you go for it Girlfriend!!!
Fay is hateful, mean, spews horrible racial comments to the other patients and staff who aren't white, complains, bitches and moans the whole time. And looks like death. Really, honestly, like she should be in her coffin. No one wants to take care of her, and some refuse because she has been so hateful.
Maybe she should have a little of that Bourbon.
The two of them just make me think, thats all.
********************************************************************
On a different note, but not really,
I haven't been successful with my sobriety.
Am doing better though.
Had a couple of really bad lapses.
Doing better now though.
************************************************************
I've been feeding my bad wolf alcohol. I have a very alcoholic, intoxicated, drunk wolf.
***********************************************************
I am learning the reasons I drink.
The things that I want to be numb from.
There are alot of them.
To list them would just sound like bitching.
About a week ago, one of the really bad days, it started out ok, with the intention of having a beer or two. I drank all day. Several different places. By the time night had fallen, I decided I wanted to see my dad. I drove, yes drove, to the cemetary. Complete nightfall. The cemetary was closed, so I parked the van, got out, and walked all the way back to where he is. Found him in the pitch black. And sat there on top of him and sobbed. I used to think they were scary places at night. Just lonely. It kills me that he is there all the time. Everyday, everynight, winter, summer. Just there. Well, his body is.
I sobbed. And cleaned off his stone. Looked around. Death all around me. Ran my fingers over "MEGALE". Picked a little handful of grass that was growing over him, and walked through the very dark dark cemetary, over other gravestones, back to the van. Came home, patch of grass in hand. Had a major cry fest. I haven't cried like that since he died. I've just been numb. Clutched my grass. NUMB.
Royce said that night that I have never grieved since he died. Just numbed. Its been two years almost.
I'm going to feel sad now. I'm going to let myself miss him. I'm going to cry. No more numb.
I will never have another drink because of my Dad again. Ever.
And after two days ago, it felt good to write all that. But its been enough time. But I'm choosing to be Miss Fay and not Miss Spring.
I will never have another drink because of Kirk again either. Ever.
*********************************************************************************
I hadn't had anything to drink for 3 days. Didn't really want anything. Saw the kids a lot. It was nice.
I had one beer this afternoon. An Amber Bock. Yummy. And the nice bartenter who thinks I'm hot gave me a shot on the house.
I drank today because I was thirsty, it was 110 outside, and it tasted really good.
And any free shot earned by cleavage ALWAYS tastes good.
But I didn't drink to get away from anything.
Maybe this isn't the perfect way to do it, but its working for me right now.
***************************************************************
I take my Dialysis exam tomorrow at 1 pm. It will seal my job. I have to pass.
Wish me luck.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Happy Anniversary
Seventeen years ago today I got married. August 18, 1991.
Seventeen years ago today was the first day of 10 years of hell.
So..........................
In honor of you Kirk,
Of the time you raped me in your dad's house,
Every time you hit me,
Every time you called me a fucking fat pig,
A fucking fat whore,
For the 10 years of daily hearing those words,
For the time you fucked around with my best friend and cost me her and her family,
For the times you strangled me when I was pregnant,
For the time you spit in my face,
For saying how cool it was to watch the doctor slice me open to get Tyler, and telling me how they should have done some lipo while they were in there,
For rolling over and going back to sleep when I told you I was in labor with Sydney - 3 times, and then being disgusted cause you had to get up cause you "knew they were just going to send me home anyhow" (not),
For when I was a week and 2 days overdue with Lyndsey, and I was visiting my mom in the hospital battling cancer and chemo, started contracting, calling you and telling you the hospital was admitting ME for labor - and you letting me know how "it better be real cause you and your brother had plans to go to the junkyard that day",
For when I was 7 months pregnant with Ryan, pulling me out of the house in a rage and throwing me up against the front of my house and holding me there by my neck - cause they finally started garnishing your wages after a whole fucking year for child support,
For every time you told me no one would ever want me because I was fat and had kids,
And for every time you grabbed my hair,
held my head,
and forced me to suck your dick -
In honor of you Kirk, just for being you........................
Tonight I'm giving Royce the Blow Job Of His Life. The one thing you begged me for. Head.
You know, it wasn't that I hated giving head, I hated giving it to you.
Its just SOOOO much hotter with a real man.
And I'm really,
really,
REALLY good at it now.
Really.
Seventeen years ago today was the first day of 10 years of hell.
So..........................
In honor of you Kirk,
Of the time you raped me in your dad's house,
Every time you hit me,
Every time you called me a fucking fat pig,
A fucking fat whore,
For the 10 years of daily hearing those words,
For the time you fucked around with my best friend and cost me her and her family,
For the times you strangled me when I was pregnant,
For the time you spit in my face,
For saying how cool it was to watch the doctor slice me open to get Tyler, and telling me how they should have done some lipo while they were in there,
For rolling over and going back to sleep when I told you I was in labor with Sydney - 3 times, and then being disgusted cause you had to get up cause you "knew they were just going to send me home anyhow" (not),
For when I was a week and 2 days overdue with Lyndsey, and I was visiting my mom in the hospital battling cancer and chemo, started contracting, calling you and telling you the hospital was admitting ME for labor - and you letting me know how "it better be real cause you and your brother had plans to go to the junkyard that day",
For when I was 7 months pregnant with Ryan, pulling me out of the house in a rage and throwing me up against the front of my house and holding me there by my neck - cause they finally started garnishing your wages after a whole fucking year for child support,
For every time you told me no one would ever want me because I was fat and had kids,
And for every time you grabbed my hair,
held my head,
and forced me to suck your dick -
In honor of you Kirk, just for being you........................
Tonight I'm giving Royce the Blow Job Of His Life. The one thing you begged me for. Head.
You know, it wasn't that I hated giving head, I hated giving it to you.
Its just SOOOO much hotter with a real man.
And I'm really,
really,
REALLY good at it now.
Really.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Friends, New Books, Kids, and Day 17
First of all, thank you Stephanie for your comment. There is always a little stab of paranoia when I realize what you know about me. Especially the whole detox thing. But thank you so much for your words and support and non-judging. It means a lot. I guess I haven't burnt my last Adventist bridge after all. We go way back. And I remember everything. Thanks for still being my friend. It means a lot.
And Stacey and Nic and Heather - You know I love you all so much. Thanks you so much for being there.
I've been so sleepy from some of my meds that on my days off like today and yesterday I just spend a lot of the day crashed. Unfortunately. Today I crashed but now I've had a Monster and am going to tackle my room. Still haven't finished it. I did however do my hair and it looks spectacular. The color is "Crushed Garnet", which I found ironically hilarious (Garnet is my mom's name) and knew it was the color for me.
Got two books from my friend Hairy. Hairy is my wonderful, intelligent, generous, pure heart, been through ALOT of shit, hippie friend. We've had many conversations. We've talked a lot about death. I have this fascination with it. I think its been since my dad died. But I have this twisted fascination with it. Its like a car accident. I don't wish it on anyone, but if its going to happen I want to see all the gory details.
Hairy has loaned me "STIFF - The Curious Life Of Human Cadavers." Looks fascinating. Not enough pictures though.
We've also had a lot of "religious" discussions. Hairy has studied a lot. Asked a lot. Questioned a lot. And I think has had more resources than me, or at least known how to access them.
He also loaned me "The Dark Side of Christian History." Which goes from 100 BC through the Dark Ages, and so forth. All the stuff I was never taught. Just heard bits and pieces of from normal people who were actually taught history. Fuck, when I watched "300" I didn't even know it was a true story and how it molded who we are today. I need this book. And it has so many foot notes and resources. I am so excited about it. I chose to read it first. Even over the rigor mortis, rotting and decapitation. You know I must love it if I chose it over those three. (And "Wicked" has got placed on the back burner. Priorities you know.)
The kids start school on Monday. Of course I'm not ready. Kirk is actually buying them a lot of school clothes this year. All 3 of them. So if you are reading this Kirk, thank you. It really helps. I'm not drinking any more, but the financial effects of the last two years are not going to be fixed overnight. So thank you.
I've been spending more time with the kids. This was one of the major problems of my drinking. I was either out somewhere or at home blacked out or fighting. So it has been nice. Just sitting watching TV or watching them play their game. They play "Oblivion". I just think it fucking rocks that my girls love this game. And they kick ass at it. Ryan loves it too. We have the X-Box hooked up to the living room TV with our big flat screen TV and the 7 point surround sound. Its fucking awesome. Its a great game. Kind of like being able to pop yourself into "The Princess Bride" and "Dungeons and Dragons" all at the same time. Tyler hibernates in his room with Halo once in awhile.
I know a lot of parents and people would disagree with me, but whats new? I think summer break is all about staying up all night, sleeping all day, playing video games and hanging with friends.
I think I am going to try and make Tuesdays my day. I am going to try to go to yoga again every Tuesday, and also Tuesdays are Karaoke at Pat Murphy's, which I love - strangely. When I don't work on Wednesday mornings I will do these.
17 days sober.
And Stacey and Nic and Heather - You know I love you all so much. Thanks you so much for being there.
I've been so sleepy from some of my meds that on my days off like today and yesterday I just spend a lot of the day crashed. Unfortunately. Today I crashed but now I've had a Monster and am going to tackle my room. Still haven't finished it. I did however do my hair and it looks spectacular. The color is "Crushed Garnet", which I found ironically hilarious (Garnet is my mom's name) and knew it was the color for me.
Got two books from my friend Hairy. Hairy is my wonderful, intelligent, generous, pure heart, been through ALOT of shit, hippie friend. We've had many conversations. We've talked a lot about death. I have this fascination with it. I think its been since my dad died. But I have this twisted fascination with it. Its like a car accident. I don't wish it on anyone, but if its going to happen I want to see all the gory details.
Hairy has loaned me "STIFF - The Curious Life Of Human Cadavers." Looks fascinating. Not enough pictures though.
We've also had a lot of "religious" discussions. Hairy has studied a lot. Asked a lot. Questioned a lot. And I think has had more resources than me, or at least known how to access them.
He also loaned me "The Dark Side of Christian History." Which goes from 100 BC through the Dark Ages, and so forth. All the stuff I was never taught. Just heard bits and pieces of from normal people who were actually taught history. Fuck, when I watched "300" I didn't even know it was a true story and how it molded who we are today. I need this book. And it has so many foot notes and resources. I am so excited about it. I chose to read it first. Even over the rigor mortis, rotting and decapitation. You know I must love it if I chose it over those three. (And "Wicked" has got placed on the back burner. Priorities you know.)
The kids start school on Monday. Of course I'm not ready. Kirk is actually buying them a lot of school clothes this year. All 3 of them. So if you are reading this Kirk, thank you. It really helps. I'm not drinking any more, but the financial effects of the last two years are not going to be fixed overnight. So thank you.
I've been spending more time with the kids. This was one of the major problems of my drinking. I was either out somewhere or at home blacked out or fighting. So it has been nice. Just sitting watching TV or watching them play their game. They play "Oblivion". I just think it fucking rocks that my girls love this game. And they kick ass at it. Ryan loves it too. We have the X-Box hooked up to the living room TV with our big flat screen TV and the 7 point surround sound. Its fucking awesome. Its a great game. Kind of like being able to pop yourself into "The Princess Bride" and "Dungeons and Dragons" all at the same time. Tyler hibernates in his room with Halo once in awhile.
I know a lot of parents and people would disagree with me, but whats new? I think summer break is all about staying up all night, sleeping all day, playing video games and hanging with friends.
I think I am going to try and make Tuesdays my day. I am going to try to go to yoga again every Tuesday, and also Tuesdays are Karaoke at Pat Murphy's, which I love - strangely. When I don't work on Wednesday mornings I will do these.
17 days sober.
Sunday, August 03, 2008
Fog
Day off.
So much to do today.
Feel like I'm in a fog.
Maybe its the meds.
My bedroom and bathroom are literally a biohazard area.
Another product of spending time and money other places.
Been putting it off, but going to do it today.
Have to color my hair today.
Have to read today.
Have to read more. Lots more.
"WICKED - Life and Time of the Wicked Witch of the West."
I hear its a good book. Going to start it today.
Having bad dreams again.
Death.
Body parts.
Maybe I've just seen too much to not have them.
My bedroon will be done by the end of the day.
And my hair will be beautiful also.
Just really foggy today.
Today is 14 days. Two weeks.
So much to do today.
Feel like I'm in a fog.
Maybe its the meds.
My bedroom and bathroom are literally a biohazard area.
Another product of spending time and money other places.
Been putting it off, but going to do it today.
Have to color my hair today.
Have to read today.
Have to read more. Lots more.
"WICKED - Life and Time of the Wicked Witch of the West."
I hear its a good book. Going to start it today.
Having bad dreams again.
Death.
Body parts.
Maybe I've just seen too much to not have them.
My bedroon will be done by the end of the day.
And my hair will be beautiful also.
Just really foggy today.
Today is 14 days. Two weeks.
Friday, August 01, 2008
"By Any Other Name............"
I have received a dozen red roses from 3 different guys.
Valentine's Day, the most expensive day of the year to buy roses much less send them anywhere, Valentine's 1990 they were delivered to my house from Karl - half way across the country in college in Texas. They are still remembered and still cherished.
Somewhere around 1993 Kirk and I had a violent horrible fight in our shitty little ghetto apartment. I got in his face, snidely retorted back. He looked right at me, and spit a huge loogie in my eyes that oozed down my face. I grabbed Tyler, who was about a year old, and walked out the door to a pay phone and called my Dad. I was gone for 5 days. On day five Kirk shows up with a dozen red roses. And we all know how the rest of that story turned out. This was the only time I ever got flowers from him. But it was my second time for a dozen red roses.
Today I was back at work. I'm still in training and missed a very important week and a half of clinicals. I was very behind and very rusty. Fucked up all day long. I was having a bad day. Mid morning they tell me there is someone in the lobby to see me. I got out there and there is Royce with a beautiful vase with 12 red roses, babies breath and greenery. Just because. Those are the best kind of flowers. The Just Because kind. And I can't even count how many times Royce has done this. At work in front of all my jealous co-workers, at home, so so many times. Just because.
I love you Royce and am very very lucky to have you. To have us.
Went to Murph's today for awhile. Got to sit and chill with Alexis and Lance and Packey and Hairy and Wendy. Had my ice tea and an amber O-Douls. Not bad actually.
12 days sober.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
--Shakespeare--
Thank you for the flowers Honey.
And you are my Romeo.
Valentine's Day, the most expensive day of the year to buy roses much less send them anywhere, Valentine's 1990 they were delivered to my house from Karl - half way across the country in college in Texas. They are still remembered and still cherished.
Somewhere around 1993 Kirk and I had a violent horrible fight in our shitty little ghetto apartment. I got in his face, snidely retorted back. He looked right at me, and spit a huge loogie in my eyes that oozed down my face. I grabbed Tyler, who was about a year old, and walked out the door to a pay phone and called my Dad. I was gone for 5 days. On day five Kirk shows up with a dozen red roses. And we all know how the rest of that story turned out. This was the only time I ever got flowers from him. But it was my second time for a dozen red roses.
Today I was back at work. I'm still in training and missed a very important week and a half of clinicals. I was very behind and very rusty. Fucked up all day long. I was having a bad day. Mid morning they tell me there is someone in the lobby to see me. I got out there and there is Royce with a beautiful vase with 12 red roses, babies breath and greenery. Just because. Those are the best kind of flowers. The Just Because kind. And I can't even count how many times Royce has done this. At work in front of all my jealous co-workers, at home, so so many times. Just because.
I love you Royce and am very very lucky to have you. To have us.
Went to Murph's today for awhile. Got to sit and chill with Alexis and Lance and Packey and Hairy and Wendy. Had my ice tea and an amber O-Douls. Not bad actually.
12 days sober.
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."
Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)
--Shakespeare--
Thank you for the flowers Honey.
And you are my Romeo.
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