I'm just not sure what to write. I'm not going to be here for awhile. Please don't anyone feel like I'm ignoring you. I just need to go away for awhile. From everyone and everything. Life is really sucking right now, and I know alot of it is my own fault. Don't want to bitch. Just don't feel like being here until things are better.

I hate my life.

So, I just sat down with my bills (something quite foreign to me), and decided that I need to work every night this week. I will sign up for every night, and it should get me caught up except for the house. If I'm willing to work med/surg I should work most of the week, the rest I will juggle. Now thats something I'm REALLY good at. So, looks like I will be at work all week. Thats ok, it will feel good to get caught up. And it will give me money for Cheyenne's birthday which is next Tuesday. I can't believe she will be four.

Royce and I will both start work on the 31st. I will finally be on a day schedule. It looks like we will both be in orientation for at least 3 days together. Maybe we can text nasty messages to each other all day. I am looking forward to being back at the Copa. People are much happier to see Royce though. He was so well liked there, everyone is thrilled he is back. Plus he's a damn good phlebotomist.

Tyler and Sydney cleaned the living room for me today. Ahhhh........ it looks so nice. I went and got their Easter basket stuff today. Ryan keeps running around going "HAPPY EASTER TOMORROW !!! And Lyndsey keep trying to sneak and look at her basket.

Didn't work in the garden last night, just stayed in and watched Across The Universe one more time before I returned it. Worked in the garden for an hour this morning. The mornings are so great here, it will be nice to be on a day schedule.

Returned Across The Universe, Supersize Me, and Finding Neverland today.

By Tuesday I Am Legend, Being John Malkovich, and A Bug's Life should arrive in the mail.
I love NetFlix.

A few more points for Tayler. When she was 12 (yes 12 years old) she had a 45 minute interview that was on the radio, addressing how Bush is not a good president and why, and how the war we are in is ridiculous. Can she get any better?
(She just walked in the door to see Tyler.)

Happy Spring!!!

Happy Ostara!!!!

Happy Spring Equinox!!!

Happy Good Friday!!!

Happy Easter!!!

Whatever it is you celebrate.

Its the first day of Spring and a very beautiful one here in Phoenix. I got to work at County last night (God, would I ever thought I would have spoken those words?). I agreed to work med/surg, and I worked on Station 42, which has always intimidated me before, but I did it and it was fine. I feel like a real nurse again. So now I have money to get the kids Easter stuff - Easter sneaks up on me when I don't pay attention to it. But I had a good night, then after work went up to see Martha and had my interview for the 6th floor. And its a done deal. I will start the 31st. Cool part is - Royce is starting that day too and we will get to be in Orientation together - that should make it a little more tolerable. It feels good to be back. I kept forgetting I was Registry - felt like I was back home. I am.

Just woke up - going to Pat Murphy's for a little while, eat a quesadilla, have a few drinks, come home, and celebrate the Equinox and the Full Moon, simply - just by being outside in the yard and with the kids. Maybe garden a little.

Happy Ostara!!!!

(The more I learn, the more entertaining it is to watch all the Christians celebrate my pagan holidays. And like sheep, they don't even know they are doing it. Put your bible down and pick up a history book Einstein. Believe whatever you want, but don't act like you aren't celebrating paganism, like "He's the reason for the season". The position of the moon and the tilt of the earth are the reason for the season, Silly Rabbit. But you go ahead, pat yourself on the back, and keep believing that your whole value system wasn't fabricated by the Catholic Church. When Jesus compared you people to sheep - He wasn't kidding!!!)

Heather!!!!!!!!

Heather - I am your family. I miss you so much, you don't even know. I'm so glad you are here now. I gotta tell you that everything you are feeling is normal. In that period right after you get divorced, especially from someone like Mark (and Kirk) - all those feelings are normal. Especially the ones about the kids. But it does get better. I so remember being there. It will get better. And you did the right thing. I still remember sitting with you that morning at the Rail when you told me everything. It will get better. And I am always here. I would do anything for you. I honestly would do anything for you. I think you will find that writing here helps though.

I'm finding Yoga so helpful for me. It is something that I utilize throughout the week, after I've done it. That is the true practice of yoga. I think you would love it. If you want to come to my class its on Tuesdays at 5:45 to 7:00pm, close to my house, and its a beginner's class. And its only $8 bucks a class. I would love for you to come. You are in way better shape than me, it would not be difficult for you at all. And it feels so good. I can't believe you did a half marathon, OMG. You already are so fucking hot - not you gotta go and get hotter. I'm really impressed. I need to start running again. I started going to the gym. The adrenaline and seratonin it gives me has started to replace what I get from alcohol. But I still struggle with it. And I still drink. But I love the gym. I think I will start running again - I want to do a half-marathon with you. When is the next one? Maybe this is something we can do together - that would be so much fun. To train together for one.

We are so much alike girlie. I know our paths have to have crossed many, many times. We have a very old friendship. It was instant and familiar from the beginning. I have so much to say to you I'm having a hard time writing right now - I just need to see you. I'll be calling you shortly. And emailing you. I am so sorry for not being a better friend and keeping better contact. And I am so sorry that you are hurting, and I wasn't there for you. I just didn't know. But no more. I am coming back to the Copa, station 61. I have an interview with Martha tomorrow, which is really just a formality, she said she had a position for me. It will be on days - maybe you could switch to days again. I know what working nights does to us. Come work with me on days. You know you will be up on 61 alot. I won't be doing any maternal/child until Maria is gone. I will be staff on 61.

Ryan still wants to play with Jake.

Now all I need if for you and Nikki to meet.

I love you. I'll be talking to you soon.

Okay - I like her even more.

On her MySpace, under "Who I'd Like to Meet" she has George Carlin and this quote"
(One of my personal favorites)

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.-George Carlin-

Can I date her or make the wedding plans now?

Tayler

Stacey - first of all I NEVER saw one picture of you like that. You did make me laugh though. You look fab girl - really.

Sybil - I'm so glad you like Amy - she rocks. I'm glad you got the album.

Camron - Well, she was standing their half naked - which her and I should both be real familiar with - but I'm not sure she saw me. If she did, she looked away. Still kinda weird though. I guess it was a matter of time though - when you "play", live, work and work out in the same 5 mile radius. I'm really glad you stopped by - hope you come back. I love your blog. Love it.

So, been having alot of mom-of-a-teenage-boy type experiences lately, which are very new for me. Tyler will be 16 in June. Tyler, although I'm not sure how it happened, has been blessed with a beautiful face and a charming personality - women love him. His latest little girlfriend is Tayler. This ones seems more serious than the others. She is 16 and will be 17 soon. And she saved his life last week. Yeah, she's in. I love her now. She passes. He was out with her and her friend Justin - who both have cars. Justin is 19 with a red Mazda Miata. Tyler was riding with Justin, was in the passenger seat. At some point Tayler tells Tyler she wants him to get out of Justin's car and into hers, she wasn't comfortable with Tyler riding with him. So, Tyler did as she asked. So they are riding behind him now, Justin is like 200 feet ahead, takes a corner like a stupid 19 year old with a Miata, flips the car, he isn't ejected and it lands on top of him, and the passanger seat gets the brunt of it and is crushed. And they watch the whole thing happen. Yeah - I just about had a stroke. I'm not sure I wanna be a mommy anymore. Its so scary. Justin has spent the last week in intensive care at the County. First 2 days on a vent. Apparently he is going to be okay. Tyler would not have been. Last week, before this happened Tyler tried to take his driver's test for his permit. That freaked me out too. He failed two times. I'm thinking he might take it a little more serious this next time.

Back to Tayler. Let's see - she plays the piano at a restaurant in Scottsdale 3 or 4 nights a week after school - this is her job, she can play Fantasie Impromtu - the first Chopin song I ever learned (in 8th grade) the one that got me hooked, she seems to be very non-materialistic despite living in a posh neighborhood in North Scottsdale, she's a curvy little thing, and we could probably share the same bra. Remind you of anyone???????

(I can hear Fantasie Impromptu playing in Tyler's room right now with the door closed - he's obsessed with the song now. I know the feeling.)

Oh, and I learned today that she is on birth control. PRAISE JESUS !!!!!!

Here's little Ryan tryin to be like big brother:

Okay - its a little weird when you run into a stripper that you recognize from your favorite strip club - in the girl's locker room at the gym.

My New Drug

So one of the reasons I started going to the gym (I started the end of January) aside from the fact that I wanted to get in shape, was to help the problems I've been having with my mood which I know are related to my female stuff - I know I'm in perimenopause. Everything I read and learned told me that exercise and weight loss would help me feel better. So I opted for the gym instead of a hysterectomy and antidepressants like my doctor recommended. And I really want to get in kick-ass shape. My hormones were really off and it was getting to the point where I was having really bad dreams and I would wake up very depressed with an impending sense of doom. For no reason. Now I knew it was completely chemical/hormone related, but understanding it didn't make it any less of a hell. And when I drank the night before it was 100 times worse - I would wake up almost in a panic. It was horrible.

So I started working out and I noticed that if I did at least a half hour of cardio, specifically the epiptical machine, about 3 times a week, that this feeling went away. I didn't feel depressed when I woke up or panicky. Even if I drank the night before.

Well, yesterday I went to the gym. I did a half hour of lifting weights (lower body - squats and stuff, squats are my favorite), and then I did an hour of cardio. A whole hour. Half on the eliptical and half on the bike. So this morning I wake up, and in that twilight time when you are just on the brink of waking (this is the time it always happens) I felt like something good was going to happen today, like there was something I was looking forward to, and I kept trying to figure out what it was.

So not only did I get rid of the bad feeling, I completely changed it to the opposite. And yesterday was a bad day for me. I haven't been working like I need to, and money is tight, and all the stress that goes with that - and nothing in my circumstance had changed overnight - yet I felt a sense of euphoria and well being. And I even had a shot of tequila last night. So I guess an hour of cario is my magical number. Now I know I will have to regulate it and back off at times so my body doesn't get used to it. But for now..............its magic.

So, I've found a new drug - Seratonin. Who woulda thought??????

And I'm down 12 pounds. Three more to go by the end of March to make my goal of 15 pounds in 2 months. In 8 months I will have lost the 60 that I need to. I'm still doing no/low carb which is helping too. And replacing the majority of alcohol consumption with Rockstars and Red Bulls. And working out smart - on an empty stomach, lifting for the first half hour so the rest is fat burning. Its all helping. And its coming off slow, but thats how I put it on. By October I should be at my goal. Then I will concentrate on definition. Can wait to wear different clothes, and go to the strip club looking as hot as the dancers. And just plain feeling good all the time.

Oh, and one more thing this has done - it has basically taken away all of my uterine pain. Just working out, who woulda thought??? I was hurting every day, went to the hospital a few times as you know, and it was completely affecting my quality of life. Hurting every day. And it is gone. Except for when I ovulate and my period, but I can deal with that. I already feel so much better and I've only lost 12 pounds. Think of what I'll feel like at 60 down.

And watching "Super Size Me" - well, enough said. Between the corporate corruption, the nutritional toxicity, and the effect on mood that shit causes, and looking at all the Fat Nasties on there - I don't think I will ever eat at McDonald's again. When the song "Fat Bottomed Girls" came on, I just about peed my pants, I was so grossed out and laughing at the same time.



One good question it raised - why is it acceptable now to harass smokers, tell them how bad it is to smoke, how dangerous it is, and do it in public to them, tax the shit out of THEIR toxic substance - but we can't say anything to the overweight people? That would be "rude" right? When being overweight is just as dangerous and deadly as smoking. Complete double standard.

We are leaving for the gym here in a few.

Yoga and the gym - my seratonin suppliers.

(This picture is for my own motivation- I can hear Freddy Mercury right now)

I don't think I'm ever eating another Chicken Nugget.

Across The Universe

Finally saw "Across The Universe". Tyler kept talking about it. Apparently they have the soundtrack playing non-stop in the background at his new school. It was one of those epiphany moments for me. The first time I heard some of the music when he played it for me in the car one day it brought me to tears. The story is wonderful - the music is gut wrenching. I got it from Netflix along with 2 other movies, and haven't have the strength to return it yet. Also bought the sound track, and it has replaced Amy Winehouse in our car.

Jim Sturgess' voice just gets me, so bad. Brings me to tears.


And the version of "Because" is just haunting. Takes me back to my old Chorale days. There were times I was part of something like this. Those musical moments of talent and emotion and friends and soul where the "planets are aligned", those perfect moments when time and space are in suspension and all that exists is the moment. This one gets me alot.


Tyler and I actually sat down the other night and recorded "All My Loving", me singing and him accompanying me on the guitar (me with an accompaniest, how weird). He has all this really expensive high tech recording equipment and it actually sounds pretty good. I will try to get him to help me put it on here.

The whole movie just does something to me.

I started my Spring garden yesterday. Really just started getting it ready. I have decided to officially start it on Spring Equinox, March 21st. It will mostly be an herb garden with flowers to decorate it. I want to grow my own herbs for cooking and spells. Everything organic.

The sobriety thing isn't going so well. Don't really want to talk about it.

Went to my Yoga class on Tuesday - once again it is so helpful. Its only a beginner's class but I can feel the effects of it all throughout the week.

I've been informed by my mother, in one of her hateful shouting Christ-like moments earlier this week, when I asked her to please not teach my children her religious beliefs, that I am horrible mother and doing bad things to my children, and also that the day will come when I am flat on my pagan face, in all of god's supreme glory, confessing her god's supreme being-ness. I'm sure in the same tone and spirit that Jesus would have told me.

I informed her that if there is a hell she will be right there with me.

And that I have nothing left to say the her - ever.

Yeah, sobriety not going so well. Between working out, yoga and alcohol I think I'll be ok.

Just got back from the gym - did squats and cardio. Feel better already.

Been getting interested in fair trade issues - reading and educating myself. I had no idea. I've started shopping differently. Makes me ashamed to be an American and be a part of it. We are so self-absorbed and indifferent over here. As long as we are comfortable we don't care whose expense our comfort is at. I hate being a part of that. Hate it. Bought a book called "Nobodies", three different particular stories of the trade industry today and modern day slavery. That we are all buying into without even being aware of it. Between that issue and the fact that in about 2 years I will have a son that will be forced to sign up for the draft for this stupid war for oil, I find myself wanting to permanently live in another country.

Going to watch "Super-Size Me" in a few minutes here.

And Stacey - Congrats on the divorce!!!! I remember my divorce date, July 6th 2001 - my Independence day.

Namaste everyone.

Sweet Child of Mine

So, I had a particularly challenging day - I desperately wanted a drink, the cravings have completely set in. I had plans to meet a couple of friends tonight, knew I would be in a bar, and had even decided this morning, that fine, I'm just going to decide to have a few drinks. And let that be that. After talking to Royce, who wasn't judgemental or condescending or harsh, just loving and truthful, I remembered why I had decided to stop for a year. And made the decision to not have a drink today. No matter where I was. Or with who.

Got to tell the ending of the story first today, however.

The good thing is I have found a cure for my alcohol cravings. Yeah, nips it right in the ass.

Its called Really Bad, Drunk, White-Trash Karaoke. Yep, a sure fire cure.

At the end of my day, after deciding not to drink, I thought "what better way to motivate me not to drink than a little visualization of what really drunk obnoxious people look like". Turns out, I'm a pretty smart little girl. And I went where I knew I wouldn't be disappointed. Throw in really off-key mutilation of some of my favorite songs in a trailer-park dive bar - and Wah Lah!!! - Not wanting to drink so much. Being the 80's child that I am, and my love of all things Guns and Roses, I think the 350 plusser that waddled up to the mike, god bless all her 350 big ones, that belted out "Sweet Child of Mine", really kind of cleared up the whole picture for me. Almost, and I say almost, as memorable as the 400 plusser, who had a beer in one hand, a mike in the other, and was too drunk to be able to stand up, and who to my horror chose one of my most beloved songs to sing - Closer - who inbetween the phrases "I wanna fuck you like an animal" hurridly turned from the mike and gulped down as much beer as she could before it was time for "I wanna feel you from the inside." By the time she got to "You can have my absence of faith" and "You get me closer to God", ------ I had to go. This was New Year's Eve 2 years ago - I had to walk out before I even touched my drink. I just said to Royce, I gotta go - Now. And left my long island sitting there. Tonight in many ways was just as memorable. My deep love of all American, honky-tonk, redneck, deliverance style country music couldn't be any stronger than it was tonight - I really really needed a drink to get through it- but no no no (insert Amy Winehouse's voice here) - I forced my sober little self to listen to it. Hell, I sang along. A little Hank Williams Jr, a little Garth Brooks, even a little Paula Abdul, circa 1986. Remember the little Chinese guy on American Idol?

I think Sweet Child of Mine was my fave though.

Yes, quite an epiphany tonight.

My friends couldn't make it, so that left me alone in a couple of bars, one being my home away from home bar, with money, making it really hard to say no. I decided to go anyhow, just to get out, and even wore my hot stripper shoes. Just to do it.

Tonight was a little experiment for me. I had a few questions for myself.
1) Can I sit in a bar and not drink?
2) Can I walk in 8 inch platform fuck-me pumps?
And what would reactions be to the shoes?
3) Can I still enjoy music sober?
4) Can I still play pool sober?
5) Can I have a good time and not drink?

I sat in two bars. Didn't have one drink.
I walked quite well in my fuck-me pumps. Impressed myself. (Maybe I can be a stripper after all). And everyone loved them - except the fat girls. Of course.
I enjoyed alot of music tonight - even if it wasn't all sung well. Got to dancing a few times. It felt good.
Won a game of pool fair and square, sober, and in 8 inch pumps.
And had a really good time.
Despite.

Royce and I were talking today. There are alot of things I love about alcohol. Lots. I don't want to live without these. But I need to slow down. Take a break for awhile. Get healthy. Stop being destuctive. I need to be stronger than it for awhile. Find out who I am without it. Then, when I've done that, and gotten away from the addiction, maybe I can learn to simply enjoy it for what it is. Not let it control me and destroy me.

But that glass of Cabernet, or Merlot, or Pinot, or that shot of Cabo Wabo is going to taste and feel PHENOMENAL come next February.

Being at the bar tonight made me not want to drink, made me never want to eat another carb, and made me crave the gym. I don't want to be like those people.

And I can feel the changes happening.

Started out feeling really bad, withdrawal setting in. My body wanted a drink, my mind wanted a drink, and my soul wanted a drink. Demanded a drink.

Then opened my eyes.

Went to the gym instead today. Did upper body weights, squats, and an hour of cardio. I need a high. I just do. This is what alcohol does for me. I'm replacing it with the high after cardio. The doctor told me I need an antidepressant to balance my mood. I just need to move. I find that I can't keep my mood up if I don't do cardio at least 3 times a week.

Fuck Prozac. Fuck Paxil. Fuck Zoloft. Fuck all those things that make me a zombie. I don't want some chemical analgesia, some emotional Tylenol, some emotional antipyretic, emotional Aspirin, something that takes the fever away, like the fever is the problem when the fever is actually the thing that is killing the toxins and is there for a reason, something that makes it seem like things are better simply cause you don't feel - don't feel anything in my case. Fuck that. I want to be able to cry, and laugh, and have a mind blowing orgasm, sexual climax, and life climax, and if something hurts its cause there is a problem - the pain doesn't need cured, the problem causing the pain needs cured. Then the pain goes away. Pain is a warning sign, a red flag. I don't want to be so weak that I just have to numb the symptoms and ignore the problem. Fuck all of that.

I feel good today.

Can't wait for my Yoga class tomorrow. I've been looking forward to it all week.

And I'm starting to laugh more. Real, genuine laughing.

And speaking of Karaoke, and laughing, which I think is so healing, I always have to pass on what heals me. This one still gets me. I think I almost peed the first time I saw it.

Go ahead, click:

"KARAOKE FOR THE DEAF"



It makes me giggle like a little school girl, hee hee!!

Speed Bandits

Would you slow down?



Royce would put the car in park, get out, pull up a chair, and open a beer.

I foresee a trip to Denmark in our future.

So its 4 days into my ----- what shall I call it? I hate stereo-typical words - makes me feel like I'm in an AA meeting, and thats just creepy. Let's just say 4 days into - IT. And I'm ok. Yesterday was 72 hours, and as a nurse I know thats when everything starts to suck. But I don't feel so bad. I haven't given in, and don't plan to.

Am craving it a little. But today its ok.

And it is 5 days of low low carbs. I went to the gym at least 3 times last week, and have been doing the no carb thing, and I have lost 10 pounds. We'll see what I am when I wake up today. I even had a huge steak yesterday, and I was still lighter when I woke up.

I have worked the last two nights. And am signed up for tonight and tomorrow. So lots of money on Monday. The bank will love me.

I marked on my calandar all of the Full Moons. I'm going to start celebrating each and everyone of them. I wish I had someone to do it with.

Need to sleep.

Am starting to plan for the Spring Equinox.