One Day At A ......... Well, you know

Yesterday was bad. Really really bad. I was a mess. I think it was a combination of not sleeping, drinking a lot, and my hormones - which I already know are a mess, and its right before my period. I think a lot of it was hormonal, and the alcohol and no sleep just pushed me over the edge. I just want to feel better. I decided last night that me drinking is having too many consequences and I will never get healthy if I keep doing it. I missed my yoga class last night, cause I had been drinking most of the day and I probably could have went, but was exhausted from not sleeping, and in the middle of falling apart. So I didn't go. I hate it that I didn't go. I decided last night to stop drinking. It really bothers me to think I will never have a great glass of wine again, but I need to stop for now. I am going to quit for a year. It will allow me to get healthy, will way lower my tolerance so I will be able to actually enjoy a reasonable amount of alcohol without it taking half a bottle of tequila to feel it, I will save money on alcohol and on going out, I will spend more time with the kids, I will fight with Royce less, I will feel better, and I will be able to lose weight easier. Now that I actually listed all those reasons its making the picture a little clearer. I am not perfect. This will be hard for me. And not to sound cliche-ish but, I'll have to do it one day at a time. And if I "slip" - I will make sure and not "fall". I'm not trying to set myself up for failure, or give myself a loophole, I just have never really tried to stop, I know its difficult, and I know I may give in. I'm choosing to be realistic and if I give in, to not fall in but to just keep going anyhow. It works for me. I hope.

This is the first day into it and the only thing I feel is the results of yesterday's drinking. Not really hung-over - that's how you know its bad - I drank yesterday what would put most people into a coma, and not even hung over. So not feeling bad today, actually a lot better mentally, but I know the next week or so will be hard.

So I'm starting February 27.

Other than that, I have to help Lyndsey with her Science project today. We decided to do an experiment that studies cheese - to find out which cheese molds the fastest. Finally - a school project I'm good at. I've become a semi-pro at molding things my whole adult life, just check out my fridge at any given time. We are going to glue 6 different cheeses on a board and just let them sit and grow little friends. Exciting, huh? We named it "It Ain't Easy Being Cheesy". I'll let y'all know which cheese you can leave out the longest.

Went to the bank today and got my checking life organized and on target. That feels good - or should I say "positive."

Made arrangements to get the car payment caught up - that feels good too.

Cleaned the entire car today inside and out. It was such a pit. It is such a nice car, the nicest I have ever had - a luxury minivan. Its too nice to ever let get nasty. But I do - all the time. It feels good to have it clean. Baby steps.

Signed up to work tonight. Cross your fingers.

If Amy Winehouse can stop, I guess I can too. That glass of wine on February 27th next year is going to taste PHENOMENAL.

Looking Up

Work went well.

Feels good to actually be productive.

Yesterday - sinking and scared.

Today - sinking and accepting it.

Sinking - in a quicksand of Tequila. Looking up and out - and not caring.

Whats wrong with me?

Call Me !!!!

Feeling a little better. At about 3:40 today I had this overwhelming sense that someone was sending good energy my way. I really felt it - it was the best I had felt in days. So whoever you are, thank you, and I totally got it.

I'm working tonight at 11 - thank god. Need money. And its postpartum. Yeah!!!

I'm really excited about this new phone thing. See the thing that says "Call Me" on the sidebar? Any of you can press it and it will call my cell phone, without ever giving out my number, and all and any of you can leave me a message. You guys can get one by signing up on the Blogger page when you log on. I'm going to test it out here in a minute and leave myself a message. Can't wait to here from everyone!!!! Please Call!!!

Think I'll make a little campfire tonight before I go to work. That always makes me feel better.

I remember about 8 years ago, at a very bad place in my life, a very lost place - I told someone very close to me, that the only way I could describe how I felt was .... sinking.

I feel like I'm sinking again.

Been very down lately - my registry keeps cancelling me, so haven't been working. And Royce found out that he won't be able to start school yet. He was supposed to start today. He is going to have to go through the community college, not the private one. Which might be a blessing in disguise, but still it is hard to get over, the excitement of him starting. And all our plans and life have to change now. But I guess you do what you have to, right? I've just had a bad week, thats all.

We went away for a couple of days, stayed the night in Cottonwood, got out of town. Just as a little mental break.

I've been studying too Nikki. It helps me. It grounds me. The gym helps too, but haven't gotten there for a few days. Need the exercise, I'm feeling bad again.

They assured me I will work tonight - I even offered to go out of town to Casa Grande or Tucson. Hopefully I will. If I do, I will go to the gym and my yoga class tomorrow and hopefully start feeling better.

Struggling

So, I'm having a little battle - with myself. A lifestyle battle.

Gotta rant a little first.

One of my biggest pet peeves is "victim mentality". How there is some excuse or reason, something that someone else did to you, that is the cause of all your problems. To blame the way your life is on the actions of someone else. And yes I know there are real victims and there are self-appointed victims. Whether or not you are a valid victim does not change how I feel about "victim mentality" - however the self appointed ones are annoying as fuck. Not trying to be a bitch here, the mentality just annoys the fuck out of me. That said, I as well as everyone else, and in some ways more, know that shit happens, and shit that you did not bring on yourself sometimes happens, that can affect the quality of your life and your circumstances. I am not talking about justifiable anger towards someone that has wronged you, or the healing process. This is all very natural and has to happen. I'm talking about the dependence people have on justifying there sucky life or circumstance on what happened to them. Taking no responsibility or actions after the fact. I think strength comes not in what you accomplish, but in what you overcome. Shit happens, deal with it, do what you have to to heal yourself, do good anyhow, and live as well as you can.

I also don't like people who judge - know one knows what has happened to someone else or why they make the choices they do. So I am not going to do that here. And therefore I will use myself as the example:

I could say I have financial problems and stress because I have 5 kids, and 2 of the dads abandoned me, poor me, this is why I struggle. When in reality, I suck with money.

I could say I struggle because 2 guys got me pregnant and left me. When in reality - I didn't use birth control. Had sex - got pregnant. It that simple.

I could say I'm divorced because my ex was an asshole, who hit me, verbally abused me, cheated on me - its all his fault. When in reality, yes all this happened, but it was my choice to stay with, marry, and have kids with someone who had already raped me once, cheated on me and hit me. Bingo, my fault from the beginning - for making a poor choice. What happened was simply results of my first bad decision.

I could say I'm a vicitim of rape - which is true, but I willingly went with someone who had shown himself to be a mean and angry and violent person. Should I really have been that surprised? Even at 19, come on - I wasn't retarded. Bad choice, bad outcome.

I could say I'm overweight because of all the stress in my life, dealing with kids who I am left to raise, dealing with being raped, being adopted (thats a good one - whatever), and because of past domestic violence. When in reality, I eat too much and move too little. Simple as that.

I could go on. But I think I made my point. Everything that I struggle with now in my life, whether someone else had a part in it by wronging me, is directly because of a bad choice I willingly and knowingly made myself.

That said, back to my battle. I drink. Alot. And often. I am an alcoholic. I know this. I like drinking. I like being an alcoholic. It makes me feel good. Yes, I drink to get away from things, from life. This is my reason. And because it flat out makes me feel better - for awhile. I've seen alot of shit, I've had alot of shit happen, I've seen really really bad things, and my life is stressful. This is why I drink. But it isn't why I am an alcoholic. I am an alcoholic because I lift the glass up myself, drink it, and choose to handle life this way. Not because of anyone else. Ever. My decision, I own it.

That said, I have chosen to make some lifestyle changes. Moving more, getting healthy. I joined the gym, and for about a month now have been regularly working out. And it feels good. I have drank for so long and so much that the alcohol isn't working anymore to help my mood. I reject my doctor's "solutions", and believe that exercise is the only thing that helps me now. This is a good thing. I'm finding my mood is directly affected by how much I work out, and if I don't do it I get depressed. So I am doing it. And I feel better.

But old habits are hard to break. Especially when they are chemical based. I have enough of an addiction to alcohol that if I go a day or two without it I notice physical symptoms of withdrawal. I'm a nurse, I recognize these. Jittery, irritable, shaky - unable to concentrate - very irritable. And so I keep drinking. I like it. But it is not easy to make the new lifestyle changes and drink too. Its almost impossible to go work out after I've been drinking. I feel like shit, and the workout sucks. I would much rather be at the bar, especially where we are regulars at and our friends are, than at the gym. It doesn't feel as good. But I don't like my body or my health right now or where its headed, and that feels worse. So I have cut down. But I am struggling.

Last week, Tuesday, I decided I would try the Yoga class at the studio by my house. I have been terribly intimidated to do this. I had never gone to a class before. $8.00 a class. Hell, I pay that for a Long Island. I almost didn't go. The thought of those little Yoga/Cardio Bunny/Cheerleader-look-a-likes that I envisioned yoga participants to look like, and then envisioning myself doing Downward dog in the same room as them, or better yet the poses being too hard for me and me trying to do it in front of all of them simply terrified me. I sat in the parking lot and almost convinced myself that it was a bad idea and that I should just go to the bar down the street. But I said no. I was just going to try it. I made a deal with myself that if I did the class I would reward myself by stopping at the bar on the way home and having a drink.

The class was wonderful. There were 7 other women, some in great shape, some not. The instructor was wonderful. Everything a yoga instructor should be. There was only one challenging pose. It was so healing. I always knew I needed yoga, but never knew how much until I actually did it. I will never miss a class now. I can't explain it, but those of you who do it know what I mean.

Breathing - its so natural. Its the first thing we ever do. We don't need to be taught, we just know how. And yet, --------- we do need to be taught. Who ever would have thought I would need to learn how to breathe??? But I do. The class has stayed with me the whole week. I so need this class. It is my medicine. I am going to the class tomorrow night again.

There are times when I don't even want a drink, but Jagermeister is simply the only thing that helps. Tylenol, even the maximum dose won't touch it, and motrin rarely helps. Only narcotics, and I don't have any and don't need ANOTHER addiction. Jager instantly makes me feel better and takes away the pain. My uterus is sitting directly on my rectum. Talk about pressure. Everytime I eat, I get sick. For hours sometimes, until everything "passes". And with the endometriosis when I ovulate or have my period everything is so swollen it puts pressure on everything and is horrible. I really had accepted the fact that I needed surgery. But I have been feeling better with exercise and have decided to get healthier, lose the weight the hard way, and I think things will be bearable. I am choosing to heal myself.

And so - Red Bull has gone from the main ingredient of a Jager Bomber to becoming a work-out facilitator. Big change.

I think I have great potential. I have let myself go. I remember what I looked like in high school, and right after, and it was pretty spectacular, even though I didn't know it back then.
Right now I am the result of 20 years of not taking care of myself, of not eating right, of not exercising, of having babies, a divorce, of stressful things happening - and these all aged me. I'm right around 180, and 5'3 --- not good. And yet I can still walk into the bar and all the heads turn. I don't sit alone for more than 5 minutes, and never have to pay for a drink. The owner of the bar smiles at me from across the room, watching the behavior of the guys, and teases me later about it. He likes it cause he makes more money. He tells me "You definately make an entrance when you walk in." And tells me everyone ALWAYS notices when I walk in. The women still hate me, the men still stare. I have a sexual energy. A presence. So I'm told. Be it my voice when I'm not feeling well, or my mannerisms, or my mood. I have always had this. It makes me feel good that he tells me these things, these are things a girl needs to hear. But I know how much better it could be. I know what my potential is. Imagine that presence, that energy, with a spectacular body and a boob job. This is what I could be. It would be a shame to let alcohol get in the way of that. I don't want regrets. I need to beat this.

But I am struggling.

I have a shooter of tequila that I put away today and went to the gym instead. Its still out there. Its bedtime. I'm thirsty. And reminscing. And craving.

And thirsty.

I'm struggling.

And if they try to make me go to Rehab --- I'll still say no no no.

But struggling.

Royce and I have been together - almost inseperably - for 5 years.

For the last week I've been getting ready to live alone again - kind of.

Royce starts school on the 25th. He will be moving into an apartment on the other side of town,right across from his school and staying there 5 nights a week. We both decided this was the best thing, the best thing if he is going to be successful in school. If he didn't do this, he would have to leave at 5:30 every morning, and have a 4 hour commute each day - 2 hours each way in obnoxious Phoenix traffic. This eliminates $$$ in gas, possibly running out of gas and missing school, any car problems, and will give him 4 more hours a day to study. This is the best thing. But in the last few days it has kind of hit me and I've been really depressed about it. I'm not used to being away from him. I've been cleaning today, figuring out which stuff he is taking, and which stuff he is not. Its kind of depressing.

Painting my room today. It so needs it.

I joined a Yoga class last week and will go tomorrow night. I love it.

Maybe we can go to Murphy's tonight a little.

**sigh**

PS - I Love You

(http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/)

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As I watched this video, Sydney watched from behind, over my shoulder.

And I hurt for her, knowing whats in store for her .............

cause she is so much like me.

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And it makes me wanna go hug Royce and never let go.

I have what everybody wants.

Hopefully it won't take her as long as it took me.

She's not that strong - - - -

yet.

Initiated

Portland was wonderful.

It rained and snowed and was beautiful.

Inbolc was wonderful.

I will always remember Imbolc 2008.

Initiation was wonderful.

Official now.

Priestess and Witch.

Got home safe Nikki.

Signed up with a registry. Working for them now. More money and only postpartum.

Drinking alot less. This is very challenging for me. But I'm doing it.

Still hurting, especially without the Jager, but dealing with it.

Joined the gym at the end of January. Have lost a few pounds.

Going to the gym with Royce this morning.

Tyler is changing schools this next week, he will be going to a high school specifically for the arts and the performing arts, with his "major" being piano. It is so wonderful, I walked in and was so jealous. Can I go back to high school again? It looked like the old tv show "Fame" inside. (This is me being very proud of my offspring).

Oh, and if you are reading Mr. Klaus, Tyler is doing EXCEPTIONAL in the public school system. Thanks for the advice and push in the right direction. Really. I'm not being sarcastic - I let go of the anger at Imbolc. Burned it in fact. Gone. And I'm finally happy about the change in Tyler's education. He will do very well there I think. Its good that he's getting in as a freshman, I think its very easy to go straight into a college music program straight from there, and lots of experience in sound stuff, which is probably what Tyler will end up doing. I'm going to send all the kids there as soon as I can, they start at 6th grade. Syd can go now, but there might be a waiting list, so I will get her in as soon as possible. There is photography - with a dark room, ceramics, dance, painting, drawing, every kind of music, a huge performance stage, and every student picks a major with appropriate classes. There are the normal classes that you have to have too. Sydney will do very well there too. All of my children will.

Royce finds out if he is accepted to his school in the next few days. Then it will be 18 months from then on. I'm pretty sure he will get in, but I might have to do a little magick for him too.

He will have 18 months to be an RN, and I am going to work hard in those 18 months, and if I really do it - then I will try to have a career change too. At least a partial one.

I'm gonna be this kinda witch:

Things do feel better after the initiation. I feel like I have to take better care of me, my family and the earth. I promised this, and I have to do it now. Even the small changes I have made so far feel good.