Cyber Traveler

Got lost surfing the blog world tonight.

Found a blog you might like Royce...... http://privatejetlifestyle.blogspot.com/ .

I've added some that I want to follow on the sidebar. It keeps getting bigger. I'm fascinated by some of the people and their photos and their lives. I love taking a peak inside.

I want to see the world so badly, and know it will be so long before I do. This lets me just a little bit. Not many people know this, but if I could be anything it would be a photographer. I just surfed tonight and found pictures on other blogs I loved. Here are some of them:

This one's for Tyler.

Time for a Cool Change

I don't think work has ever stressed me out as much as it has been lately. And that's saying a lot considering I worked at County for 8 years. Its very slow here, but when we do have a patient and a delivery, it is so bad that I am scared for my license. I love working here, love the hospital, love my co-workers, but the doctor is so unsafe that it is only a matter of time before something really bad happens - a dead baby, a short-bus baby, a dead mommy - and I don't want to be here when it does, or have my name on the chart. I'd like to stay out of the courtroom. Or jail for that matter. We had two deliveries recently, one last week and one 2 days ago, where the babies were premature, and he refused to have the moms transferred to a higher level hospital where the babies could be taken care of, and just let them deliver here. The one was EXTREMELY premature (29 weeks) and both babies had to be transported by air to another hospital. I know some night it is going to happen, he won't let us transfer a mom, she will deliver a tiny little baby and all I will be able to do is watch it die. So no more. I'm not going to stand around waiting for the bullet to hit me. I've dodged it so far. So last night I told them I was done, they asked me for 2 weeks, I said I'd give them one. So next week is my last week. I decided to stay at this hospital though, so I am transferring to med/surg. Not thrilled with that, but I'll give it a shot to avoid looking for a new job, the whole orientation process, the getting used to a new facility. The acuity is pretty low here I've heard, and I get to stay in beautiful Tempe. I will still have to see Dr. Dumbass occasionally with his gyn patients, but not nearly in the same way as I am now. He really is causing me to break down. And I can't describe the wave of relief that swept over me last night when I knew I wouldn't have to work with him anymore. 3 more shifts after today. I will finish them before I go to Portland, so when I am up there it will be even more cleansing for me, knowing I don't ever have to do a delivery with him again.

By the way, here's his picture. Isn't he hot?

Darcy and I made a disturbing discovery. There is an uncanny resemblance to the beloved child's cartoon character Arthur. Do you see it? Maybe they are really the same person.

I could probably get in trouble for stating his actual name here, so I won't, but if you are a woman, and recognize this man as the doctor that sits between your stirrups -

RUN FOREST, RUN!!!!

SWIM AWAYYYYYYYYYYY !!!!

Its actually a little nauseating to have his ugly mug here on my space, but wanted to show him off to y'all. (Can you ladies imagine that face down in your "china"?)

Okay enough about Dumbass.

Ahhhhh................... this blog is so therapeutic for me sometimes.

Five days till Portland. Can't wait Nikki.

" You Know That I'm No Good"

Ever since I got that Amy Winehouse cd a little while ago, I am constantly listening to her. And the same songs over and over. Its very unusual for me not to get desensitized to a song or an artist, but this time it is just different. Rehab and You Know I'm No Good. And Me ane Mr. Jones, and Back to Black. I hear them when I'm sleeping, I hear them all day long in my head. They are just there all the time. When we go out, I play her on the jukebox, then put the cd in when I get in the car to come home. I know there is at least one person out there, that wonders what I sound like singing now - well, just listen to Rehab or You Know I'm No Good. Sounding like her more all the time. What she sings is who I am.

My hair is jet black also. Been that way for awhile. I'm getting used to it. Down to the small of my back, layered, and jet black. No beehive yet. Got the tatts though.

Tongue piercing is healing nicely, no more swelling or pain. Eating normal. And it is so hot. I love it.

I am going to visit Nikki from Feb. 1st to the 3rd, I am so excited. It is Imbolc, a major Sabbat in my religion. It is a traditional time for initiations, and that is what we are going to do. Not really an official "initiation", because that apparently has to be done through a coven, and I don't necessarily want to become part of one yet, but a "dedication" where you dedicate yourself to your chosen path. Nikki and I have been bestest of best friends since 8th grade, for 24 years, and we both arrived at the same place, after starting out at the same place and then living two very differnt lives. But came to the same "home place" separtately from each other. We are going to do a "dedication" ritual/ceremony with each other. Pledge and commit ourselves to our new life beliefs, our new beliefs system. Officially become witches. I'm actually flying up to Portland - actually getting on a plane, which I'm terrified to do, but thats what bourbon is for, right? Gonna get on the plane, get there Friday the 1st, and leave Sunday the 3rd, the day in between - Saturday - being Imbolc. We live so far apart, but time is so relative with me and her. It doesn't have the same dimesions. And this is someone I better stay on the good side of - you know too much about me Honey. Kidding, you do - but that is not why. I'm so excited. I bought the plane tickets last night. Its a done deal.

I have a new friend. Last week, Sydney and Lyndsey and their friend Danielle who lives in the neighborhood, were walking around by Danielle's house. They were in the alley, heard some noise coming from a trash dumpster, looked inside, and found a plastic garbage bag tied shut (apparenlty not very well), and found a little 7 - 8 week old puppy inside. They rescued him, kept him a secret all night, then showed him to me the next day, thinking Royce and I would be furious. I fell in love. He is so cute. He is sitting on my lap right now. I named his Shiloh- and he is MINE. He has blue eyes like a Siberian Huskey, markings like a german shepherd, and eyes and ears like a lab. I will have to post pictures. He is so cute. People are assholes. I wish I could put that motherfucker in a plastic bag, tie it shut, bind his arms and legs, and abandon him in a dumpster. Letting him suffocate. Slowly. What a fucking asshole. I hate people. Talk about bad Karma. Just wait, dude. Its coming. In the mean time, I have a new best friend. Sorry Nikki - JK. (He's licking my arm as I type).

Blessed Be.

Laughter

Maybe laughter is the best medicine.
Maybe I should drink less and laugh more.
Hmmmmmmmmm..............................

Here's to laughing more:
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=686

and OMG
http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=689

Happy Birthday Ryan !!!

Six years ago at about this time in the early morning I brought my wonderful little Ryan into this world. I was alone, except for the company of a co-worker that came to be with me, and after about 5 hours of good labor I had my Ryan. Ryan has the most pure heart of any child much less person that I have ever met. He is the most genuine, loving, generous person I know. The world would be a perfect place if we all were like Ryan. Everyone who is around Ryan is a better person because of it. I am proud and lucky to be his mommy. He wants to go to Peter Piper Pizza tomorrow, and he asked for Spiderman (his favorite thing ever) stuff and he wants a Batman toy for his Spiderman toy so Spiderman "can have a brother." I love you Ry Ry - we are gonna have fun today. Happy Birthday little man !!!

And thank you Royce for being his Dad. This wasn't something I ever dared hope for when I met you, it just happened, and I am eternally grateful to you for giving him you. You have given him something priceless and immeasurable and have changed what his life would have been like. There is no way I can ever repay you (But I am trying - consider today a millionth of a percent of repayment). Thank you for giving him a Dad.

****************************************************

This is hilarious, oh my god, you gotta see it - turn up the volume:

http://www.thefunnystuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=657

Kinda makes me want a drink. After I watched this I was thinking about old times - a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. Mike Reagan bought me my first drink. Neither one of us was old enough, but he was in the military, on leave from Desert Storm where I had been writing to him for months, and had some ID that passed for "real", and bought me a 4 pack of Berry flavored Bartles and James wine coolers, at Nikki's New Year's Eve party, lets see ---- 1990? Wow. We didn't want to disrespect Nikki or her mom, so we put them in the bushes right outside the front door. I had one before I went in. Immediate buzz for my virgin liver. Alot of our friends and class of 1989 were there if I remember right - Karl and Kevin were both there, and Karl took me aside to let me know how concerned he was about me cause I was drinking. This is a very sweet memory for me, for some reason. One of the last "me and Karl" memories. Everything changed after that year. I don't think Kevin or anyone else was aware of my consumption,( okay probably Nikki - who didn't care) - except Kristin who promptly took me upstairs to a bedroom, sat me down, went all Linda Blair on me about how she had "lost too many friends to alcohol" (give me a fucking break), gave me this tough-love lecture, then marched me back down stairs, made her way through the crowd, opened the front door and proceeded to pick up my remaining coolers, initiated some dramatic "intervention" and launched them out into the street , "for my own good", glass breaking everywhere. Talk about alcohol abuse. I was mildly irritated, but still pleasantly buzzed, and I let it go ( let's see someone try that today). It was amusing to remember this at our 10 year reunion when we went as a class out to eat after church and she ordered a whole bottle of Merlot with lunch - and drank it. That night, at the party, I remember hanging with Karl, having a great time with everyone, catching a glimpse of my beloved William as he dropped by in his truck for 5 minutes to say hi to Nikki but completely avoided me, and shortly after that leaving with Mike. Mike bought me more alcohol, not sure what it was this time, and we hitch-hiked to Scottsdale Road and University, walked to Mill Avenue, hitched another ride on the Tempe Bridge with some wasted guy, and finally got home. Mike and I were such good friends back then. He was so much fun. He also is the one who contributed the alcohol to my drunken episode at Campmeeting 6 months later. Whole bottle of Cold Duck Champayne downed in about 45 minutes in his car, then off to find William in some psychotic crying breakdown (I'm sure every guys nightmare - sorry Willie), then stumbled off to find Nikki and Fernando who helped me recover a little. Good times. Yeah, not so proud of that memory. And the common denominator here - Mike Reagan. Just kidding Mikey. But I miss you lots Mike. I loved you and Karl like brothers, and I seem to have lost you both. Which all of this makes me think about Gina. If you are reading this - miss you too girlie, you are still my sister. Water under the bridge. You guys are all so beautiful, thanks for the picture, glad I was a part of it all happening. I hate not being about to go back. Maybe someday.

Hope its ok with you guys but I wanna show that picture off. You guys look so happy.

Miss you both.

Enough thinking.

("Tried to make me go to Rehab ........ I said NO NO NO")

Happy Birthday Ry Ry. I'll think about you. Once again, you make everything feel better.

Dr. Fraser

So Royce's interview got postponed until the 16th; this made for a not so happy husband. I told him to be patient, it won't change his start date. He was just so excited. I think its basically a formality anyhow. I really think he is pretty much in.

So I have tonight off. Going to take the kids to the zoo after school. Probably going to the Rail this morning, and will probably end up at Bombshells tonight at some point. I need a night out. Especially after last night. Horrible night with Dr. Dumbass. Its to the point where he is making me sick, really honestly sick, I missed the one delivery last night because I was in the bathroom throwing up, and I was seeing little flashing spots cause my blood pressure was too high. I need to get away from him. Its not worth it.

So I went to the doctor today. He doesn't think it is a fibroid, he thinks the huge mass that everyone is feeling is actually the top of my uterus turned upside down and tilted. That makes sense. And he thinks I probably have endometriosis. Great. However, he feels I am a high high surgery risk because of my blood pressure ( its is now officially high, consistently 150's over like 95) and my cardiac history over the last few years, that I might have a stroke or heart attack or bleed out on the operating room table. So he won't even recommend surgery until I have gotten my blood pressure down, lost some weight, and am cleared by a cardiologist. Wow, a doctor with scruples, not just trying to make a buck, actually concerned about me - what a breath of fresh air that is. He even called me at work tonight, he must have been thinking about me all day, he remembered where I worked and called, to tell me that he really didn't recommend surgery at this point, that the symptoms he felt should just be lived with because he felt me having surgery at this point with my blood pressure was a, and I quote, "disaster waiting to happen, and I don't want anything bad to happen to you." He even said that if the blood pressure issue was gone, he still wouldn't do the surgery himself, he would refer me to Mayo Clinic. So I guess surgery is out of the question right now. I trust him. Its nice to find a good doctor. We were joking that I would tell him it was my first prenatal visit (this is the doctor who delivered Ryan and Cheyenne, who I stressed out with each time cause I refused to have a c-section, and he NEVER does VBACs, only did it with me cause I was an OB nurse and insisted, and stressed him out cause I abrupted at the end with Cheyenne, and he thought my uterus had ruptured at my uterine scar - he was more than happy to tie my tubes). He's the one that told me that RN stood for "Really Noncompliant". Nice. Probably true. Royce thought it would be funny to tell him it was my first prenatal visit, but I said no, the man might have a bad heart. At my appointment today he said I had given him enough grey hairs. His name is Dr. Kenneth Fraser. And he is a really good doctor. I am lucky to have him take care of me.

So the weight must come off. I have lost 8 pounds. Then tonight, after eating all of my allotted food for the night, and doing good, a friend brought me a fruit plate and some cheesecake. So much for no carbs tonight. But I am not going to let this stop me. I will do better today. The weight must come off - or it is going to kill me.

Hi Living - Long time no see. How are you?

Gotta love the big hoop earrings Heather, doncha?

Had a hellish night at work tonight, 2 deliveries with Dr. Dumbass. OMG what an asshole.

Got through day two of low carb. Not too bad. Like always, lost a few pounds already. I've been trying to move more, eat less, and then finally went to low carb again, and have lost 7 pounds so far.

Have an appointment in about 3 and 1/2 hours about the future of my uterus.

Royce has his interview for nursing school today - Good luck Baby, you have nothing to worry about. He got some nice pants and shirt and shoes. He stopped by there yesterday and everyone was glad to see him. Hope it goes well. My life is about to drastically change come February.

Have Friday off, going to take the kids to the zoo (its SOOOO nice here right now), and then maybe go out a little that night.

Heather - don't know if you talked to Joe, but he finally emailed me. We need to talk - when ya want to meet at the Rail?

Hellooooo Nurse!!!!

Yesterday Royce got a call that he has an interview with his school of nursing this Thursday at 2 pm. Yea !!! And if that goes well and he is accepted, which is extremely likely, he will start on February 25, then 18 months to go and Kabamm !!! - Nurse Royce. We are both so excited. I'm so proud of him. We went out and got him a pair of nice shoes yesterday, and we still have to shop for some pants and a shirt. I know you'll make a really great nurse Baby. I'm really proud of you.

So I got my tongue pierced again. It feels good to have it back in, but it is a little sore. That should resolve itself in like a few days. So I'm eating lots of crushed ice at work tonight.

I also finally have an appointment Thursday morning with my OB doctor to talk about my fibroid and possible surgery. I was reading online somewhere, where it is becomming more and more common for women that are getting a hysterectomy to also get a tummy tuck at the same time. I am going to ask him if he can do this. One less time under anesthesia, one less OR fee, so cross your fingers.

I also started a no/low carb diet again yesterday. If I'm going to have surgery, hysterectomy and/or boobs, I need to lose some weight first. If I can just get past these 1st 3 days. Cross your fingers again.

Bought both of Amy Winehouse's albums yesterday - "Frank" and "Back to Black". And you know whats really fucked up? You can barely find them anywhere. Most stores won't carry her. Target, Walmart, - and we all know how wholesome Walmart is - won't carry her because of her "lifestyle." My God she is a fucking musician, not a goddammed high school counselor. What about all the other musicians? And I like the way the "wholesome" family music aisle is right next to the really violent movies for sale. Nice. Once again - the Fan Club wreaking havoc. If you don't like her music, don't buy it. But for christ's sake, make it available.

Bought these great little gold hoop earrings yesterday. Actually not so little. God, I haven't seen those since the 80s. They should never have went out of style. Love them.

Christine, thanks for stopping by. And also for the last time you left a comment. I'm totally impressed with your 10,000 plus swings. Wow. I wanna be you. I have a little kettlebell that Royce bought me last year, 18 pounds. I need to pick it up more often. Thanks for coming by and for you comments.

Nikki, as for changing the settings here, I will never NOT let anyone speak. Never. I can avoid things by changing the settings, or by simply not acknowledging someone. I choose this way. I am putting my thoughts out there very publicly (you and I both know I have other private places), and therefore everyone has the right to publicly comment. Its just how I feel. Partial power is taken away from someone when you obliterate them. Complete power is taken away when they simply aren't acknowledged. Everyone is always welcome here, to read or to respond.

That said, how the fuck is everyone? I would love to hear from everyone, everyone is so quiet lately - Stacey, Heather, Deb, Trailady, Stephie, Cathy - where the hell is everyone?

And Heather - what the fuck is up with Joe? Hello? Can't really talk about it here, but email me if you find out anything. He is such a pussy. Is it me? Am I just a freak? And is that a bad thing? Talk about mixed messages. I hate shit like that. WTF? His loss. (You still love me right?)

Still taking care of little Chico. Adoptive parents haven't arrived yet. Its night 4 with him. His withdrawal is getting worse everyday. He is quiet right now, but is getting increasingly more irritable. My little Chico. He's in a crib right behind me right now.

Going to watch "Tommy Boy" tonight. Darcy hasn't seen it. OMG, it still makes me laugh.
"Housekeeping............housekeeping............"

I have tomorrow night off. Going to take Tyler to the dentist. Fork out about $900 for a bone graft, or something, see the kids a bit, and then going out with Royce for awhile. I'm sure we'll end up at Bombshells for a bit. Probably getting my tongue pierced tomorrow too by Darcy's daughter at HALO.

("They tried to make me go to rehab .................. I said no - no- no-" **stuck in my head**)

Amy Winehouse

They have found through research (they being Dr. Michael Gumert, a primatologist at the Nanyang Technological University in Singapore) that monkeys actually "pay" for sex.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22516331/


I am completely fascinated with this. The males actually groom the females, hoping to have sex for it, and the females are 3 times more likely to give them sex if they were groomed. And the males are less interested in grooming the females if there is an abundance of females.

Fascinating.

Once again, sex is just sex, and its natural to want it and to find any way to get it. Very cool study.

Okay, new subject. Amy Winehouse. I keep hearing about her, how great she is, picked up on the vibe that she was a little controversial, and knew she was a singer and had lots of ink. But that was about it. I actually heard her today, for the first time ( I know, where have I been) and it was one of those pivotal, sentinel moments where I was just in musical and sensual nirvana. This also happened with Diana Krall when Royce introduced me to her. But it was much more intense with Amy. Oh my god she is a goddess of soul. Gut-wrenching, center of your heart, orgasmic naked SOUL. One of those people that any bad thing she does can be overlooked because of who she is and her amazing contribution to our quality of life ( kinda like Tommy Lee in my mind - heroin junkie, not so bright, wife beater - yeah, I'm still not worthy, We're not worthy Wayne). I am completely fascinated with her. Can't get enough. And, this may sound really arrogant of me, and I'm not trying to sound like that, but I see SO much of myself in her and her music. I watch her and listen to her, and feel like its me. It makes me miss my music so much. She sounds black. I remember when Mr. Leukert told me I sang like a black girl. I had no idea what a compliment that was back then. I remember covering his little window to his office so no one could see me when I was singing cause I was so insecure about it - and I could actually sing. Just didn't know it back then. I miss it so much. She sounds like Ella Fitsgerald and Aretha Franklin. Feel like I need a cigarette after listening to her, and I don't smoke. And so then I research her a little and learn of all the bad things happening to her - her husband in jail (I still don't know why), how her husband is an idiot and voted worst husband ever (but she looks really happy with him - don't think I ever looked that happy with Kirk), how she is a drug addict and alcoholic ( see, look, there's Barb again), and was going to tour with the Rolling Stones last year but at the last minute had to pull out because of a drug overdose (I think heroin - which is the devil of all drugs, I know this), and how she had to spend Christmas and New Year's alone, her friends even bailed on her and Bryan Adams and Mick Jagger have kind of taken her under their wings. She seems like this lost, hurting, wild soul. And boy does is show up in her voice. Naked. So utterly naked she sings. And I'm fascinated. Completely sucked in by her. I want to be her - and at the same time know part of me is her. Love her. LOVE HER. I feel like a cross between her and Diana Krall. I know they are way more talented and beautiful than me, but hey, I see myself so much. I love the song "Rehab". And I also heard that she covers Janis Joplin, "Me and Bobby McGee" and "Piece of My Heart" - which I can only assume are amazing.

Here, take a look and a listen:

http://www.amywinehouse.co.uk/
(Sorry guys, I accidentally put the monkey sex site here first, its right now, - come on, gotta listen to her, its heavenly)

Love the eye liner. Gonna have to start doing that.

Chico

Do you ever get tired of people?

Do you ever get tired of just life?

Today - I'm tired.

Just want to live on an island somewhere, with a constant supply of money from somewhere, and just be. I remember seeing a documentary on Pitcairn Island. I think it is like 99% Adventist. Island people. I always thought that would be such a nice place to just disappear to. Everything would shut down on weekends, especially Saturday, not a whole lot of connection to the rest of the world. Just thought it would be nice. Peaceful. I want to go there someday.

Lost my mojo.

Taking care of a little baby tonight that has no home. No mommy. Had him last night too. And he's starting to go through cocaine withdrawal. He's very sweet. I named him Chico.

Maybe he can come live on that island with me.

Yippie-Ki-Yay

Anonymous,
this post ---- http://somethinglikelifeblog.blogspot.com/2007/12/claus-and-effect.html
was 9 posts and a whole month ago, apparently you are the one that can't stop thinking about me.

First, I never got an apology from the Clausinator. Never. If I did, and I believed it to be genuine I would accept it. I have been forgiven when I shouldn't have been, and will do the same because of Sharon. But until I do, yes I will probably hate him for hurting my child. Recently Tyler has started having some involvement in drugs, that would most likely never have happened had he not been asked to leave that environment. He is still being hurt. So yes, I will continue to hate him until I get an apology.

If you come to my blog, my space, you are choosing to be exposed to my abusive language. Deal with it or don't come here - Asshole.
( Hello, McFly)

I still think you are a coward, and apparently am not alone, for not being able to put your name to your words. I know I was a coward when I did it - that's how I know.

Your words "and knowing you" show that you obviously know me personally and I can only assume, because of your cowardly anonymity, that you belong to the Adventist cult. I'm sure you are the one who fucked with me and my mom right after my dad died. Only because you have the same name - Anonymous. I have made a point to leave you and all of your fellow cult members alone, revoked my membership, left friends, stayed away. Please do the same to me - leave me alone to live my "miserable life."

I could go on about the great things and people in my life, but I don't need to validate anything to you. I have wonderful friends - as you can see if you read any of my other comments, a great job, an amazing husband, 5 great kids, --- I love my life and the choices I've made, and plan on enjoying it very much. Thanks.

"Hope you get to enjoy whatever is left of your life."

Wow, that could almost be taken as a threat - "whatever is left of your life". Especially since you apparently know me personally, and I have no idea (well maybe a tiny idea) who you are. Nice Christian attitude. Typical Adventist attitude. THIS is why I hate your church - the typical attitude - not one isolated incident. There are like a thousand different incidents and a thousand different people with one general, predictable, hateful attitude.
THIS is why.

You like to push buttons, and my children and life are a huge button - I'm human. But this option will be taken away from you. Feel free to come here, to read my thoughts - god knows why you'd want to, but knock yourself out - but I will never read your comments and will never acknowledge your presence here again. That's how much I won't be able to stop thinking about who you are. Goodbye Anonymous. To quote the beautiful Bruce Willis, aka John McClane --- Yippee-ki-yay, Mutherfucker. Have a nice fucking life. Ooops - there's that abusive language again - you know, you don't have to be abused by it if you simply don't click on my blog. Just a suggestion.

I love power. Feel free to keep following this "old story" that you apparently can't seem to get enough of.

Oh, and tell all the people at Tempe Church next time you go - I said Happy Fucking New Year.