Dialysis

Remember that dream job I said I applied for a few posts ago?

I GOT IT !!!!!!!!!!

Yay Me!!!!!!!

You honestly don't know how happy I am. I am so thrilled. 2 miles from home, in the Arcadia area that I love, my neighborhood, dayshift, no more being gone from the kids at night, sleeping next to my Royce every night, and very importantly - THE HELL OUT OF THE HOSPITAL SETTING!!!!! No more floor nursing. No more med/surg. I was SOOOOO burnt on my job. I was really having an internal crisis and hating my life. This changes everything. I will keep my one registry for extra money - but still will work only days. Every other weekend is a 3 day weekend. Profit sharing, 401, $10,000.00 retention bonus over 3 years - it really hasn't sunk in yet. Everyone here is so happy. I drove the kids there a little while ago so they could see how close it was to home. It was empty and locked. Lyndsey - girl of few words - said "is it closed?" I said "Yes, they aren't open at night. No more nights for me." She said "You won't have to sleep in the mornings anymore?" I said "Nope." Just the look on her face is worth everything.

I actually won't be at that exact location until like September cause they will be giving me 12 weeks of training at other places. 12 weeks - wow. And I will be learning a new skill, dialysis, that I can take with me anywhere, and be submersed in it and really get good at it. 12 weeks. Thats what I got when I started OB. It seems like they really care about their employees and their patients. Wow, what a concept.

And I also feel like I will really be part of helping people. In a very acute important way. These are really sick people, they can't miss a day of dialysis or they will die very shortly after it. So I will be part of something satisfying like that again. Haven't felt that way in the hospital for a long time. The hospital setting has turned into the fucking methadone/rehab ward. No thank you.

So FUCK Maria and County. I will never go back now.

I am so very excited. Just had to wallow in my happiness here a little.

I know I'm qualified, and have credentials, and experience. And that has alot to do with it. But I did a spell to help me get this job on this last Full Moon. I very focused, intense, meaningful spell. Then I just waited - like I've been told is the right thing to do. Just wait and let energy and Spirit do their things.

Thank you Spirit.

So very very very very much.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...................................

Dear Mr.President...................

Dear Ben Stein...............





And my personal favorite.... (Mr. Stein with the drumroll)..............


Oh wait......I like this one too.....................


(hate mail - bring it on Soccer Mom)

My Worrisome Heart

I'm learning that I should just embrace everything - the good and the bad, because there is always a yin and a yang, it always equals out. Right before my period, like right before it starts, I have a day where I have almost a euphoria. Everything is deeper, more beautiful, sadder, sweeter. I cry more, everything taste better, I love deeper, I laugh harder. Everything is enhanced. Thats where I am today.

Three things.

First, my new favortite female vocalist, and my new favorite song:
Melody Gardot, a sweet little thing from Philidelphia. She is as smoooooooth as butter. Nikki, and Heather, and Stacey - you gotta hear this song, "Worrisome Heart". I just love the lyrics. It is so all of us. They play it on the jazz station here. Next CD for the car.


Secondly, this is AMAZING.

Three heart attacks, numerous attempts at resesitation, no brain activity for 17 hours, rigor mortis has started to set it, the family is talking about organ donation - and she sits up and starts talking to them. I would love to talk to her - 17 hours basically on "the other side". WOW.
http://www.breitbart.tv/?p=100573

And thirdly. Found this video this morning. Just sat there and cried. There's not really anything else I could say about it, it speaks for itself. I've always liked Pink.
How does he sleep? Really?


Its my girls last day of school, half a day, its been raining since yesterday morning, 54 degrees in Phoenix (heaven), I have today off, its pay day, had sex last night, Royce and Chynesta are sleeping in the bed next to me on this wonderful cloudy day, I get to eat with Royce this morning, get to go to Pat Murphys a little later, see some friends, have a few drinks. And I'm signed up with a new Registry.
Its is a great day.

Thank you Sharon for the pictures of the graduation. He is so cute. Thanks for sharing them with me.

I'm going to sign up with Health Temp today, because Nurse Finders keeps cancelling me. I will stay with them too, but use them as back up. I thought there was a nursing shortage?

I applied for a dream job. Dialysis, days, very close to home. Area that I love. And they need an RN. But I haven't heard from them.

**sigh**

All You Need Is Love

We've been listening to the "Across the Universe" soundtrack in the car. Alot. The other night Cheyenne was sitting around the house and kept singing, "All you need is love, All you need is love" over and over. It was already cracking us up - then she looked up at Royce and in her little voice said "Dad, why is love all we need?" It was very precious.

I still never get tired of that CD - and Jim Sturgess, well, his voice still just makes me melt. Turns me into a silly schoolgirl.

Here's the final scene from the movie, and Cheyenne's song.



And the first time I heard this song I totally choked up - I couldn't even speak, and it was even a really crappy recording of it. I was with Tyler in the car, it was kind of embarrassing. Her name is T.V. Carpio, and her voice makes me weep.

When the song gets to 1:36 to 1:42, the climax, that note she sings, I just get chills - literally. The choreagraphy in this movie is so wonderful. I love the way Prudence walks through the chaos of the football game, masculine chaos all around her, and just keeps walking unscathed. Like she is going to be ok despite everything around her, cause she knows who she is, whether anyone is ok with it or not. And I love how she just keeps walking. Till she finds her place.

The girl who plays Lucy, the blond, was interviewed about covering the Beatle's songs. She said how they are just such sacred songs. They really are. They just transcend so much. With a war going on, like it was back then, the world the way it is, the evil and horror that is everywhere, these songs really do help to so simply lift up what is important. They are just sacred songs. There are so many places in my life where I need to remember that all we need is love. I need to live that way. I'm going to live that way.

Yes Baby, all we need is love.

This is my spiritual lesson to my children.

And they are learning.

And I am learning from them. I got this from my friend Evette's MySpace, and it has stuck with me. At a time when I'm having alot of burnout and a hard time with my job, I will remember this, and remember my Cheyenne singing "All you need is Love."

"Being a nurse isn't about grades. Its about being who we are. NO book can tell you how to cry with a patient. NO class can teach you how to tell a family their parents have died or are dying. NO professor can teach you how to find dignity in giving someone a bed bath. A nurse is NOT about the pills, the IVs, and the charting. Its about being able to LOVE people when they are at their weakest moments and being able to forgive them for ALL their wrongs and make a difference in their lives today. No one can make you a nurse - you just are."

Thank you Evette. And Cheyenne.

I'm learning as much from my children as they are learning from me. I guess thats the way its supposed to work.

Yes Baby, all we need is Love.

To Vera

Found a FASCINATING blog.
http://wishingdoesntmakeitso.blogspot.com/

Vera, this post is for you.

I saw your comment on that weird adventist site, went to your blog, and got totally sucked in. I so remember being where you are right now. I only found peace when I completely removed myself from all of them. I can so relate. I can't even express how much I can relate. And now I've found my way, I leave everyone else alone, but they still insist on trying to either save me or preach to me. I really just want to be left alone.

A few years ago, my whole spiritual world was destroyed. Everything I was ever taught or believed came crashing down. I have never been so lost. But the truth is worth it. It will happen.

Its so refreshing to see someone ask. To question. And to not be satisfied by stupid answers.

I can't imagine doing it with an "professional" adventist husband, adventist children, adventist family, and still be living in that toxic, suffocating fish bowl. We always referred to it as a fish bowl.

Its so weird that I would find you right now. Its amazing how energy works.

You are not alone Vera.

E=MC Squared

Anne,

I guess I'll be sitting there singin' with Albert Einstein.

"the word 'God' is for me nothing more than the expression and product of human weaknesses, the Bible a collection of honourable but still primitive legends which are nevertheless pretty childish."

-Einstein

Yeah - along with the Theory of Relativity.

Sorry Deb, not you. I just don't associate you with bad things.

You are cool.

Anytime I have a fraction of a doubt about denouncing Christianity, about being Wiccan, about God himself, anytime there is an aftershock of 30 years of brainwashing - that tingle that happens once in awhile after belonging to a cult ......................

all I have to do is come here:
http://adventistsnotcult.blogspot.com/

It clears it up really really fast.

You're a fucking nutcase.

Here's JOHNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Johnny, please quit knocking on my vitual door.

Its people like you that make me want to sacrifice a goat in my backyard.

Merry Part

(Please go away)

I had a nice Mother's Day. Royce had Mimosas for me when I woke up - drank them in the bathtub. All the kids brought me their cards that they made for me. Royce got me a little cactus planter - I told him not to get me flowers, they just die. I'd rather have something I couldn't kill. And I love it. My mom had dinner at her house at 1 pm, to celebrate Mother's Day, Peggy's birthday, Lauren's birthday, and my mom's birthday - all around the same time. So of course Peggy and Rick and the kids were all there. And of course my kids all want to be there. And I'm not going to prevent them from doing something because of my issues. But the thought of having any part of that dinner made me almost physically sick. So Royce took me out to eat for Mother's day - all by ourselves. Holidays are usually like that for me - the kids all want to go over to my mom's, and I don't. I see them in the morning, they all go have dinner, and then I see them in the evening. We went to Applebee's and I had the riblet platter - one of my favorite things in the whole world. Then stopped and had a beer. Came home, saw the kids, cleaned out the garage. And then Royce let me go out all by myself and have a few drinks, and socialize, and play and flirt. It was very nice. Had a little too much to drink though. And guys are just obnoxious if Royce isn't there with me. But I had fun. Came home, watched a movied with the kids, Alvin and the Chipmunks. It was cute. And I love Jason Lee.

So that was my Mother's Day. It was nice.

I've recently broke off my very very last tie to my old Adventist life. Life happens, and sometimes you just can't go back after things are said. On both sides. And stupid issues get in the way. I'm just tired of stupid people. And finally a source of negativity, not from my dear friend, but in her perimeter and the reason for the conflict, - now that source of negativity is gone. It feels good to never have to worry about having conflict with it again. My life is totally separated now. This is what alot of the people in the perimeter have been wanting for a long time. And they finally got it. It comes at a big price though. I hate losing people.

I'm sure people from that old life who are still living that Adventist/Christian lifestyle will cross my path, and we will say hi and reconnect on a very surface area level. But never again will I let someone in that mindset and belief system in my life, my circle, my home, or my heart again.

My mom is the only one left who is anywhere close to me or in my life - and we don't speak.

And can I say how disgusting this is?????

On SOOOOO many levels.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24537885&GT1=43001

I know I have procreated too, but come on - 18?????????????

Future Stepford wives. Future Warren Jeffs.

So I was watching CSPAN this afternoon and was fortunate enough to catch the press conference by the White House Drug Control Policy Office regarding the recently released "Report on Teen Marijuana Use and Depression." This oughta be good I thought. I wasn't disappointed.

17 year old Tayler was sitting on the couch across from me watching too.

I started listening where John Walters (Director of the White House Drug Control Policy Office) was spewing out reasons that teens do drugs. He informed us that new research shows that teens do drugs becuase they are depressed, they are moody, because of family dynamics, because of genetic makeup, and yadda yadda yadda. Actual research money was spent on this study. Thats the most disturbing part to me.

Hello, McFly ----- all teenagers are depressed and moody, have a dysfunctional family, and have SOMETHING, somewhere fucked up in their genetics.

Let me help ya out Einstein ----- kids do drugs for the same reasons everyone does drugs. THEY MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD. Its not fucking rocket science. You coulda asked me, or any other average person and saved like a million dollars that could of gone for cancer research. Or Alzheimers, or spinal cord injuries, or something else that is an actual mystery to us.

He went on to say that, and this is almost a quote, more programs have been instituted for the prevention and treatment of marijuana than all other illegal drugs put together. I said, did he just say that?????? Well, there's your problem. Stephen Hawking would be proud.

Only god knows knows how much research money was spent on THIS. But then again we don't really want to cure cancer, or Alzheimers, or anything else that the drug companies are making billions off of, do we? So we spend research funds on something that makes us look like concerned American's, makes the govenment look like they are aggresively attacking this massive epidemic of teen addiction. If doctors were prescribing meth, and cocaine, and marijuana, I guarantee you there would be no backlash or desire to cure it.

He mentioned the subject of drug legalization and pot legalization. He said that no one would get up there in opposition and say they were the spokesperson for meth legalization. That they would be "laughed out of the room." Trying to make a point that a drug is a drug, no matter what it is.

Well, I would be that person. I guess I would be laughed out of the room.

The whole background of the press conference was a huge banner that said over and over ---"Parents - The Anti Drug". Fuck, my mother IS the reason I drink.

And for all of you right-wing, moral majority, Pat Robertson loving, soccer moms out there, ----- here's my answer. Legalize drugs. Yes, all of them. Meth, coke, heroin, crack, pcp, shrooms, ecstasy, marijuana, etc. Treat them like alcohol (hell, alcohol is worse than some of them), put an age limit on them, require a lisence to sell them, tax them, and keep records like everything else. Making them illegal sure isn't working. And while you are at it, legalize prostitution. Kill two birds with one stone.

Cool Random Fact: Amsterdam has one of the lowest std rates, drug addiction rates, and crime rates. Research that one.

I'm a big girl. If I can choose to kill myself with cigarettes or alcohol, I should be able to choose to do it with meth. That should be my choice.

You should be more concerned about little girls getting raped in some incestuous, abusive, fucked up religious cult down in Texas than you are with my son smoking up a bowl.

And Mr. John Walters, spokesperson for the conference, and Director of the whole thing looks like he weighs about 270 - 300 pounds. Suspiciously looks like he's been on a cardiac monitor at some point.

Cardiac disease and stroke are the leading killers of the American people. I'm a nurse, and they shove this information down your throat at ACLS. But Mr. Walters and the whole office are probably discussing teen marijuana use over lunch at McDonalds.

Maybe they will come up with an algorhythm or cute mnemonic like they do in ACLS, like MONA
M - morphine
O - oxygen
N - nitro
A - Aspirin
for when someone sees a depressed, marijuana using teen.

How about-----------------------
A - Annie, Annie are you ok?
s - Shake
S - Say how much you care
H - Hug
O - Obtain a pee test
L - Lock them in their room
E - Eat the Big Mac that got cold while you were intervening

This is why I don't watch TV.
This is why I don't want to be a nurse anymore.

You know, I didn't want this to be long, but I'm irritated.
************************************************************************************
Sidenote:
This is the kind of house I grew up in.
The other day my mom, with a tone of irritation and righteous dignity, said to me,
"I don't know where Ryan gets the things he says." (Ryan is 6)
(This is the part where I go, oh god, what did my child say to my mother)
Shaking her head, eye brows furled.
"What did he say Mom?" Waiting for lightning to strike.
"Him and Brandon were playing out in the backyard. Playing with little animals. And Brandon said something about two of the animals being boys. Well, then Ryan said, 'they can't both be boys, that would be gay.' Now where would he hear that? Why would he say SOMETHING like that?"
She is extremely disgusted at this point.
I looked at her and said, " Mom, things are said on tv all the time, and we talk about everything at home."
She just shook her head and went out to make dinner.

When we were talking about the polygamist compound in Texas I was talking about how happy I was the kids were taken away, that if left there their mothers would force them to live that way, and that 50 year old men were raping little girls there. Not to mention the hundreds of little boys that are abandoned because they are competition.

I made the snide comment that "At least they got the kids out this time before they set the whole place on fire" - referring to former Seventh-Day Adventist David Koresh and WACO.

She just looked at me, dismissed the comment, and said in some Stepford Wife daze, with some tired, Martha Stuart smile, " Did you see how those women made all their own bread?"

I had to leave at that point.

Annie, Annie, are you ok?

Apparently not.

****************************************************************

Christ, all this has made me really thirsty.
Think I need a drink.

Okay, so Tyler decided to be 15 today and doesn't want to go to the ER. Says he's feeling better. He did have a phenergan 25 this morning, and so is just passed out in his room.

Stubborn offspring. Wonder where he got that?????

**********************

Syd has a blog, wanted to post it here, she writes in it from time to time. Its all about animals of course. "Pets Rule", at www.smallsyd.blogspot.com . I put it on my favorite spots.

So we have all been sick here, me for like two weeks, the kids and Royce on and off. Tyler is so sick this morning that I have to take him to the ER, and hopefully he will get some fluids and maybe some phenergan and maybe something for pain. Cheyenne is in the living roon throwing up right now. This sucks. So I already called off work tonight. I'm not going to take care of other people when my kids are sick at home.

So I'm down 13 pounds. After I weighed in at 182, I actually gained 2 more pounds, and ended up at 184. I am 171 today. The being sick thing helps, just can't eat alot. And I went for a 3 mile walk yesterday. Will walk again today if I'm feeling anywhere near it. I have to do this, I look at myself, and just get grossed out. Its so nasty. I can't believe I've let myself get like this.

Now this is really fucked up:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24510864/wid/11915829?GT1=40006
Hackers putting flashing lights and messages on epilepsy websites. WTF? What losers, are they really that bored? Or that malicious? I guess they are. People are messed up. Once again, how much better my dog is.

Off to the ER as soon as Royce brings back the car.

Happy Birthday Big Daddy !!!!

Happy Birthday to you Royce!!!!!!

We are going to breakfast at the Rail, and maybe shopping for something for him, and will visit the strip club today so he can get a birthday lap dance and some nice boobies in his face, I worked a nightshift from hell so se could go out and do some things today. Love you baby, you are worth it. Hope you have fun today.

Happy Birthday!!!!!!

******************************************************************************************

Is it wrong that I feel worse about that poor racehorse than I do about most people? I almost can't watch that video, and I actually teared up. I felt so bad - such a beautiful wonderful creature destoyed - and because of something stupid like money and stupid humans. I know animals and people die everyday, tragically. But for some reason this just gets to me. And at the Kentucky Derby, and being euthanized right there on the track. Its so painful to watch that video. RIP Eight Belles. Maybe you will come back as a Racehorse owner and live the good life that your life and death supported.

The older I get - the more I like animals and the less I like people. My dog is better than most people I know.

RIP

Heather,
I have a bumper sticker on my van that says:
"I prefer dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery"
-Thomas Jefferson.

Your post reminded me of it. Sometimes you have to just clear out all of the negative people in your life. And leave them. And sometimes its lonely, cause they are gone. But its better to have lonely peace than to be surrounded by negativity.

Nice to hear from you Living. Its been awhile. Sorry about the accident to your knee.

No-carb is finally working - down 4 pounds today. Yeah!!!!

One of the hardest parts about losing weight to me is that when I finally decide to do it, it forces me to actually look at myself. Its so much easier to just close your eyes. Until the next time you have to look of course. I'm being really disgusted with myself right now. There really is no excuse for the way I am right now. Not fair to me or to Royce. This has to change. I know he loves me, but I'm ashamed to even go anywhere with him.

Thought I would give myself that 3 day period of getting used to the no carb thing - thats when it gets easier. Let myself eat as much as I wanted. Just to get into it. Now I will start restricting. I hate that word. I associate it with such failure.

I have one year before alumni. My 20 year reunion. Can you even believe that? I know I can do alot in a years time. And I know I will hate myself if I don't.

Oh, and its 30 compressions to 2 breaths. If anyone was wondering. Good to know.

178 today.

I've found a very comforting and fitting term. "Spirit".

"Spirit" to me means that Universal energy that is out there - and lets me include my form of "god". I don't have to denounce "god" that way. It is God. It is Life. It is the Goddess. It is Spirit. The "I Am" is actually a pretty good term for it. God speaking alone. No biblical bullshit interpretation or human philosohpical definition. The I Am. The Energy. The Goddess. Life.

Sometimes Spirit is quiet and unassuming, gently trying to influence me from the perimeter.

Other times Spirit decides to print it on the front page of the Arizona Republic.

http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/articles/2008/05/02/20080502mihs0502.html

Yeah, I don't need much more of a sign to know I shouldn't be there right now.

Everything in its time. When its time to go back, it will be clear. Like this. Didn't listen to my gut, still questioned it. I guess I need a full page spread in the Republic to convince me to quit pushing in that direction. Thank you Spirit. I will listen. The time will come, I feel, when it will be right. And if not, there are better things.

I should send Maria a thank-you note ---- she did me a favor.

Scheduled to work tonight. They usually cancel me at Paradise, but we'll see tonight. I'm actually ok with working the floor tonight. And need the money desparately.

Tyler, Sydney, and Lyndsey are at SunSplash with Kirk today. Its a once-a-year company picnic thing. They love it. Its like Sydney's favortite thing. And she is turning into such a little woman. Bathing suit looks so different this year. She is 13. That's my girl. Tayler went with Tyler this year. Tayler and I have decided we are going to move to Figi together. Ahhhh.....................

Feeling good today. Feel like painting, but need to sleep. Need to paint "Moloto Vellocet" above my Alex picture on the wall. If they cancel me tonight, will definately do it tonight.

It seems like no one is reading right now, and thats ok. I will still write - always. For me. But if someone can tell me the meaning of Moloto Vellocet I will be impressed.

Feeling better. Which totally coincides with everything. I think I am officially in premenopause - I have started having only 3 day periods. Which is quite nice, but is definately a sign of change. Everything in its season I guess. I guess part of me just doesn't want to be old. But I have to say, its quite nice.

Doing ok with the diet. Doing no carb. Should see some results in a couple days.


Life is funny. Its better to not be too grounded, cause the floor is eventually always ripped out from under you. Better to live and love everyday I guess.


I've had the extreme pleasure of seeing what two people look like that I've built up in my mind for a long time. Those faceless people, that you put a beautiful face to in your head. The extreme pleasure of friending Royce's ex-fiance on MySpace. Yeah - weirdness. And his Muse. MySpace - the wonderful place that brings all of us together. Muse. I guess thats a good word for it. I'm trying to be a good, open-minded, loving person. But there is a little stab in my heart - with a big knife.


Michele is beautiful, Honey. Gotta love your taste in women. She is beautiful.


There is this little Jungle Fever picture that Barb just doesn't fit into.


Was that politically incorrect? Pardon the Fuck out of me.


Gotta go to a stupid CPR class. Gotta learn how to save people I guess. Can't work without it. Is it two rescue breaths to 5 compressions? Or wait, I think its like 20 compressions now.

Its been awhile. I'll let you know.



ANNIE, ANNIE !!! ARE YOU OK?