Saturday, December 29, 2007
Work-a-holic Barb, who woulda thought?
Looking forward to New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I have both of them off, and New Year's Eve is our anniversary. 4 years. Not sure what we are going to do yet. I've been at work so much, almost every night. Its starting to take its toll. Royce is home sick tonight, without me. I haven't seen the kids for days. Royce is missing me. My house is a disaster. So a couple of nights off will be nice. I have to work like this for awhile as long as they let me, but when I am done, maybe Feb or March, I am going to use my PTO, take like 2 weeks off, and just be at home with family and my house. Looking forward to it. I'm ok right now being at work, its actually a nice place to be, but its taking its toll on my personal life. Like I told a co-worker, relationships are like gardens - when they aren't tended, weeds pop up and flowers die. I need to be careful. I just so need the money right now. I'm such a money whore. We need a new heating /air conditioning unit (about $5000), we have no heat in the house right now. We need to either fix Royce's little car or buy another used one for him to get to school in by Feb. I am behind on the housepayment, need about $5000 for that. Great, I know. And dental work for everyone, and home repairs, and etc, etc, etc, - so much. So I have to do this. I'm actually very fortunate I have the ability to do this, and that work isn't hell. I definately look at it like that too. I am very lucky. To give you an idea of my schedule, the next work schedule is for 4 weeks, starts tomorrow Dec. 30th and goes thru Jan 26. As of right now, I have only 4 of those nights off - the 31st and 1st for our anniversary, the 7th for a dental appointment for Tyler and to go out that night with friends, and the 18th which is Ryan's birthday. We are talking mucho dinero. But a toll on the family. But I just have to do it. And toll on my body. I don't even have time to squeeze in a much needed doctor's appointment for me and my lovely tumor. I keep hoping I'll see Dr. Bronitsky at work here and can talk to him. But he rarely comes in at night. Oh well. A little while longer won't kill me. I'm very fortunate that I get to work every night with Darcy. She is officially my new "mom". We spend more time with each other, every night - all night long, than we do with our family. I love her. I really do. She makes me a better nurse, and a better person all the way around. My New Year's Resolution is to be like her.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My Priceless Christmas
I hope everyone had a very Merry Christmas, Yule, Holiday - whatever you celebrate.
I had a good Christmas, for the most part, but I have never been less in the Christmas mood than I was this year. The year I left the church (and I left officially on Christmas Eve), and the year my dad died, it was different. But there were still things about the season that gave me joy. This year - nothing. I totally just was not into it. Not the music, or lights, or anything. Didn't put up a tree until Christmas Eve, and then didn't help the kids do it, just let them. Which was fine, but I usually really LIKE doing it. Didn't decorate, nothing. I think part of it was that I was at work like every night. I had 2 stressful days to do all my shopping for 5 kids. We did have our annual family Christmas party at a hotel though - we went to Doubletree, just 4 blocks/half a mile from our house. It was really nice. We watched movies, got pizza, did gingerbread houses, played games, and crashed. It was cool. It was nice to see my kids.
I finally have a reason for all the pain I have had since I had Cheyenne. It has been getting increasingly worse, and a few days ago It woke me up and I couldn't sleep it was so bad. It was about 5 am, and so I just decided something must be wrong and took myself to the ER. They did an exam and an ultrasound and found that my little fibroid that I knew was there has grown into a fibroid tumor the size of a peach, and that my uterus is completely retrograde, or tilted, and the top of my uterus is sitting directly on my rectum. And the fibroid is infected. Yeah, that would explain the pain. So I'm possibly looking at a hysterectomy. Haven't talked to my doctor yet, and am not sure of my options. I know that it grew from the size of a penny to a peach in 3 years, and so most likely will just keep on growing. Not sure trying to shrink it is the best approach, but am very leary to just cut my uterus out. I hate being a big girl.
Christmas Eve, I spent the whole night wrapping all the kids presents in their room, while they were in Tyler's room watching TV and decorating the tree, and I wrapped presents while Royce sat with me and we watched Its A Wonderful Life and Bad Santa. It was so nice. A nice memory for me. For Christmas, we got the kids up, everyone opened their presents, the big kids went with Kirk to his sisters house, the little kids went over to my mom's to see Peggy and her kids, and we - opting to avoid any contact with my mother or family - went to Hometown Buffet. It was so nice. No food preparation, no clean-up, and no family. Just good food, relaxation, and Royce. Ahhhhhh. Then we went and shot a couple of games of pool. That was my favorite part of the whole day, the pool games with him while drinking Jager and enhanced by vicodin that I got at the ER. Pool, Jager, and Vicodin. My Merry Christmas. It really was a lot of fun.
Pool Game: 50 cents
Double shot of Jager: $7.00
Christmas dinner at Hometown Buffet: $14.00
Avoiding family and having peace ..........PRICELESS.
I had a good Christmas, for the most part, but I have never been less in the Christmas mood than I was this year. The year I left the church (and I left officially on Christmas Eve), and the year my dad died, it was different. But there were still things about the season that gave me joy. This year - nothing. I totally just was not into it. Not the music, or lights, or anything. Didn't put up a tree until Christmas Eve, and then didn't help the kids do it, just let them. Which was fine, but I usually really LIKE doing it. Didn't decorate, nothing. I think part of it was that I was at work like every night. I had 2 stressful days to do all my shopping for 5 kids. We did have our annual family Christmas party at a hotel though - we went to Doubletree, just 4 blocks/half a mile from our house. It was really nice. We watched movies, got pizza, did gingerbread houses, played games, and crashed. It was cool. It was nice to see my kids.
I finally have a reason for all the pain I have had since I had Cheyenne. It has been getting increasingly worse, and a few days ago It woke me up and I couldn't sleep it was so bad. It was about 5 am, and so I just decided something must be wrong and took myself to the ER. They did an exam and an ultrasound and found that my little fibroid that I knew was there has grown into a fibroid tumor the size of a peach, and that my uterus is completely retrograde, or tilted, and the top of my uterus is sitting directly on my rectum. And the fibroid is infected. Yeah, that would explain the pain. So I'm possibly looking at a hysterectomy. Haven't talked to my doctor yet, and am not sure of my options. I know that it grew from the size of a penny to a peach in 3 years, and so most likely will just keep on growing. Not sure trying to shrink it is the best approach, but am very leary to just cut my uterus out. I hate being a big girl.
Christmas Eve, I spent the whole night wrapping all the kids presents in their room, while they were in Tyler's room watching TV and decorating the tree, and I wrapped presents while Royce sat with me and we watched Its A Wonderful Life and Bad Santa. It was so nice. A nice memory for me. For Christmas, we got the kids up, everyone opened their presents, the big kids went with Kirk to his sisters house, the little kids went over to my mom's to see Peggy and her kids, and we - opting to avoid any contact with my mother or family - went to Hometown Buffet. It was so nice. No food preparation, no clean-up, and no family. Just good food, relaxation, and Royce. Ahhhhhh. Then we went and shot a couple of games of pool. That was my favorite part of the whole day, the pool games with him while drinking Jager and enhanced by vicodin that I got at the ER. Pool, Jager, and Vicodin. My Merry Christmas. It really was a lot of fun.
Pool Game: 50 cents
Double shot of Jager: $7.00
Christmas dinner at Hometown Buffet: $14.00
Avoiding family and having peace ..........PRICELESS.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Mandatory Day Off
Sent my Christmas cards off today. Hope they get there in time. If anyone gets one will you let me know?
Have an unexpected night off work tomorrow night. Management is making me take a day off, out of concern that I am working too many in a row. Bullshit, there are SO many other things they should be worried about here. Nonetheless, I have tomorrow night off. I'll do some shopping, and we are going to go to Bombshells for awhile. Finally.
Talked to Heather tonight. For the first time in like forever. Hope I can see her soon. Have so much to tell her. Miss her alot.
Gotta slave away and sit here again for 12 hours.
Work is harsh.
Have an unexpected night off work tomorrow night. Management is making me take a day off, out of concern that I am working too many in a row. Bullshit, there are SO many other things they should be worried about here. Nonetheless, I have tomorrow night off. I'll do some shopping, and we are going to go to Bombshells for awhile. Finally.
Talked to Heather tonight. For the first time in like forever. Hope I can see her soon. Have so much to tell her. Miss her alot.
Gotta slave away and sit here again for 12 hours.
Work is harsh.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
The Big Bang
I'm seriously thinking about getting my boobs done in Feb/March if I keep working overtime like this, after I get everything caught up. Think, I could work my ass off for a month, and pay cash up front, and they would be fixed for life. I am seriously considering it. I found a doctor, his name is Wesley Wilson in Scottsdale. Everytime I saw a stripper with a fantastic boob job at Bourban Street I asked her who her doctor was. And it was Dr. Wilson every time. He alone is responsible for beautifying the greater Phoenix area. So I emailed him to set up a consultation. I gave him my basic history = 37, 5 kids, nursed them all, 42DD, and that I want a lift and an aug with the biggest implant they can fit in there. I would need about 4 weeks to recover, so I have to take that into consideration too. But then it would be done. If they let me keep working like this, I'm just going to do it. But I won't do it without losing some weight first. This is the picture I am going to take to him, Make me look like this Dr. Feelgood: 
(Can you say Career Change for Barb?)
(Can you say Career Change for Barb?)I put a little picture of her in a bikini on the back of my badge to motivate me to keep working alot. It would be so worth it. Hope they let me. My hair is black again, but I'm thinking about doing some bleached stripes in it. Like this:
Got to watch "Order of the Phoenix" tonight. It was so good. The movies just keep getting darker and darker. I hope they make the last 2. They better.
Oh and I have a new favorite television show. I don't watch much tv, but this show just cracks me up. http://alpha.cbs.com/primetime/big_bang_theory/ . I LOVE this show.
I had been having alot of problems with hormones and mood and such, and not feeling good. Sex drive was shit. Gone. Poor Royce. But the pendulum is starting to swing the other way. Yeah. I must be ovulating or something, good god. Its like I'm waking up. Now to get the body that fits the sex drive. Very dangerous. I used to have it. The other day I was in the grocery store, of course I looked gross, just crawled out of bed. I looked down the vege aisle and apparently it was shopping day at the fire station. Oh My God, they were beautiful. Something about those big blue pants - my god. One of them almost ran into me around the corner later - bring it on. I find myself thinking like a guy lately. Completely distracted by a beautiful speciman, and craving Wham Bam Thank-You Man. Just a song can turn me on. And I have different taste than I used to. Its weird. Looks get me going less and less, and other things more and more. Weird. HOWEVER -
This has got to be the fucking hottest picture ever. Ever. Steven Tyler with those Harleys in the back. Holy fucking shit. And his voice ...... *deep breath*. I keep accidentally staring at the exact middle of the photo. Not a dry seat in the house.
Wow, I need to get home to Royce.
And I'm having SERIOUS strip club withdrawal.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Dr. Kavorkian
I had one night off work, last night. We took the kids out to eat, and went to the movies and saw "The Golden Compass." I liked it way more than I thought I would. Really good movie. Can't wait for the next one. Once again, scheduled for a lot of shifts, although have Fri and Sat off this weekend. Its just the same shit different day with Dr. Dumbass here. I have never worked with a doctor this arrogant or this stupid, and that is a very dangerous combination. The patients are suffering because of him, and we are trying to stay sane. I'm sure he wants all of us to leave, and alot of nurses have left because of him. Darcy and I are the only 2 night nurses left, and Darcy put her transfer notice in. I can't leave cause I haven't been here 6 months. But I need the overtime - and it is killer - the job is much easier than county, so I will suck it up - the amount of money they are paying me is worth putting up with his sorry ass. Get this - this is a 45 year old man, OBGYN, who has a freaking MySpace. Who talks about getting his "sexy" 5 year old daughter a boob job and taking her to the bar, and oh so many medical things that I can't type publicly. He is the only doctor here, and is drinking buddies with management. So there ya go. When Karma comes back to this man I don't want to be anywhere near him. The aftershocks may kill me.
Other than that, there have been alot of opportunities recently to be a patient advocate, and I feel like I have made a difference in my patients live's. This is rewarding. Maybe I am here for a reason.
Still need to get a Christmas tree and shop.
I got an email and pictures from my friend Kris. I looked at them and didn't even recognize her. OMG she has lost so much weight. She said she was going to, but I haven't seen her and OMG. She looks so good.
Debbie - I haven't written to you yet. My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. I can't personally imagine, but I can imagine clearer than most people - I've been the nurse. I read your post and cried. If you need anything - anything - please let me know. I know theres nothing that can be said or really done. But if I can help you or Kelly at all, please please let me know.
Other than that, there have been alot of opportunities recently to be a patient advocate, and I feel like I have made a difference in my patients live's. This is rewarding. Maybe I am here for a reason.
Still need to get a Christmas tree and shop.
I got an email and pictures from my friend Kris. I looked at them and didn't even recognize her. OMG she has lost so much weight. She said she was going to, but I haven't seen her and OMG. She looks so good.
Debbie - I haven't written to you yet. My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry. I can't personally imagine, but I can imagine clearer than most people - I've been the nurse. I read your post and cried. If you need anything - anything - please let me know. I know theres nothing that can be said or really done. But if I can help you or Kelly at all, please please let me know.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Merry Christmas Nikki - I couldn't do your job
Christmas Carols for the Disturbed
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, 
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Dear Anonymous
My space here has always been public. And always will be. If I feel the need to voice my opinion for the whole world to read, then I feel its only right for anyone to be able to respond. Always. All comments are always welcome. Period. So in advance, thank you for stopping by, taking the time to read, allowing me to get under your skin. It is a privilege you know.
You obviously took the time to read my post. And apparently it pushed some buttons inside you and you felt the need to try to push buttons in return. Brilliant strategy. I don't have to validate anything. I have brought 4 other children, to your apparent dismay, into this toxic environment. Beautiful wonderful children who I hope will be a contribution to the world, who I love with all my heart. It is not the first time I have been called a horrible mother, and it won't be the last. I don't have to justify my home life to you. And its ok with me that a stranger feels this way.
I often am very naked here. It is my place. When I am angry, I am naked. As you read. And I will be now.
I definitely do not have all the answers - so I don't know what that feels like. Maybe if I did, I would see that Jesus is real. I wish I could see that. You have no idea. I miss it. It would be so much easier to just know. A part of me died when I lost god. A foundation, a security, a feeling of home. I can't even explain what I lost. Kinda like when my dad died last year.
I had my children in the school because I grew up there. And I believed - at that time. I wanted them in a safe, caring, christian environment. I thought this was best. I believed in god and that Jesus unselfishly gave his life for me. I didn't think it was a fake god then. I would have given my life for that belief. I believed. I wanted this for my children. But what I got was false advertising. They were neither safe nor cared for. I know my Bible very well - (its the only category I can get to the bottom of in Jeopardy). This is not how Jesus was. My children were hurt there. This I am angry about. I am sorry. I am angry.
The Sermon on the Mount. Jesus' words. Matthew 5. They are beautiful. The world would be a better place if everyone followed them.
Sarcasm is one of my favorite things in life - so easily detected by me. Bravo, you were eloquent enough for it to surpass the written word over the internet. Apparently my reactions and opinions about things in my personal life make you feel like you have to defend your belief and your god. That your god has been attacked by me. Obviously you are very close to Jesus, his character and love can be felt in your words also. Can you detect the sarcasm?
If you feel strongly enough about something to voice your thoughts, and to base a belief system around it, feel strongly enough to defend those beliefs - why are you not willing to put you name after it? What a coward. Its easy to say what you believe, if you can stay hidden. Have the balls to put your name behind your words. I do. I don't know you either. I'm sure you are from Sharon's blog, or Gabrielle Eden's, or King David's. It doesn't matter. Just makes you a coward. You have to live with that fact. Maybe you should visit Sharon's blog. She is much more of a Christian than you. You could learn something from her . In fact, she is one of the ONLY ones I have ever met. Karl has a very good wife. At one point, I was anonymous. So I know how much of a coward it takes to be anonymous. If I had something to say, I should have just said it, and stood behind it. Coward. It doesn't feel very good does it?
And you are right. You don't know me. In my miserable way that I have chosen to live life, in my toxic environment, my "beautiful example" is not only what happened with Tyler and how I reacted. My miserable, toxic choice of a life also includes taking care of the poor and indigent population - and with dignity, taking care of prisoners, taking care of illegals, easing the physical pain of my patients, helping to bring life into the world, constantly putting my job at stake by speaking up for the rights of the people I am taking care of, helping get someone through the horror of delivering a dead baby, giving specialized care to make sure the other compromised babies get here healthy, working my ass off in overtime to provide for my family, becoming a nurse partly so I could take care of my father as he died - making sure it was as easy as possible, helping domestic violence victims get safe, paying out of my pocket one time for a tubal ligation of a mother of eight that couldn't be done because she didn't have insurance - and I never told the pt, holding and feeding and calming drug babies, and spending my night caring for the babies that are left at the hospital not wanted, taking food to the homeless people who live around me - I don't live in a great part of Phoenix, driving my ass down to Katrina at my expense and volunteering my time and license to care for the hurricane victims that our racist government turned its back on because I couldn't watch my television set any longer, care for any stray (animal or teenage human) that comes to my doorstep, taking care of and loving my own first 4 children whose fathers abandoned them, bringing a good man into my life to help me raise children that aren't his own (who by the way is an atheist). A lot of Sermon on the Mount kinda things here. Who woulda thought?
These are the "Beautiful examples", as you put it, that mommy is giving her children.
BTW - the word is invoke, not envoke - which does not exist in the English language ( you went to Adventist college didn't you?) which means:
1. to call for with earnest desire; make supplication or pray for: to invoke God's mercy.
2. to call on (a deity, Muse, etc.), as in prayer or supplication.
This is the way I am making the situation right. This is how I am invoking Matthew 5. By the way I live my life. That is my only defense. What's yours?
How can they think Tyler isn't spiritual when he is raised in such a toxic, spiritually void home environment? I guess our definitions of Spiritual are very different. And I am SO ok with that.
I'm a good mom, and a good nurse. And I'm the only one that has to know that, and the only one that has to be ok with it. The decisions I have made, and how I live my life allow me to sleep at night.
But enough about me.
You go ahead and pray for me. You aren't the first. You won't be the last. You pray to your god, and I'll pray to mine. Who knows, maybe we are really praying to the same one.
You obviously took the time to read my post. And apparently it pushed some buttons inside you and you felt the need to try to push buttons in return. Brilliant strategy. I don't have to validate anything. I have brought 4 other children, to your apparent dismay, into this toxic environment. Beautiful wonderful children who I hope will be a contribution to the world, who I love with all my heart. It is not the first time I have been called a horrible mother, and it won't be the last. I don't have to justify my home life to you. And its ok with me that a stranger feels this way.
I often am very naked here. It is my place. When I am angry, I am naked. As you read. And I will be now.
I definitely do not have all the answers - so I don't know what that feels like. Maybe if I did, I would see that Jesus is real. I wish I could see that. You have no idea. I miss it. It would be so much easier to just know. A part of me died when I lost god. A foundation, a security, a feeling of home. I can't even explain what I lost. Kinda like when my dad died last year.
I had my children in the school because I grew up there. And I believed - at that time. I wanted them in a safe, caring, christian environment. I thought this was best. I believed in god and that Jesus unselfishly gave his life for me. I didn't think it was a fake god then. I would have given my life for that belief. I believed. I wanted this for my children. But what I got was false advertising. They were neither safe nor cared for. I know my Bible very well - (its the only category I can get to the bottom of in Jeopardy). This is not how Jesus was. My children were hurt there. This I am angry about. I am sorry. I am angry.
The Sermon on the Mount. Jesus' words. Matthew 5. They are beautiful. The world would be a better place if everyone followed them.
Sarcasm is one of my favorite things in life - so easily detected by me. Bravo, you were eloquent enough for it to surpass the written word over the internet. Apparently my reactions and opinions about things in my personal life make you feel like you have to defend your belief and your god. That your god has been attacked by me. Obviously you are very close to Jesus, his character and love can be felt in your words also. Can you detect the sarcasm?
If you feel strongly enough about something to voice your thoughts, and to base a belief system around it, feel strongly enough to defend those beliefs - why are you not willing to put you name after it? What a coward. Its easy to say what you believe, if you can stay hidden. Have the balls to put your name behind your words. I do. I don't know you either. I'm sure you are from Sharon's blog, or Gabrielle Eden's, or King David's. It doesn't matter. Just makes you a coward. You have to live with that fact. Maybe you should visit Sharon's blog. She is much more of a Christian than you. You could learn something from her . In fact, she is one of the ONLY ones I have ever met. Karl has a very good wife. At one point, I was anonymous. So I know how much of a coward it takes to be anonymous. If I had something to say, I should have just said it, and stood behind it. Coward. It doesn't feel very good does it?
And you are right. You don't know me. In my miserable way that I have chosen to live life, in my toxic environment, my "beautiful example" is not only what happened with Tyler and how I reacted. My miserable, toxic choice of a life also includes taking care of the poor and indigent population - and with dignity, taking care of prisoners, taking care of illegals, easing the physical pain of my patients, helping to bring life into the world, constantly putting my job at stake by speaking up for the rights of the people I am taking care of, helping get someone through the horror of delivering a dead baby, giving specialized care to make sure the other compromised babies get here healthy, working my ass off in overtime to provide for my family, becoming a nurse partly so I could take care of my father as he died - making sure it was as easy as possible, helping domestic violence victims get safe, paying out of my pocket one time for a tubal ligation of a mother of eight that couldn't be done because she didn't have insurance - and I never told the pt, holding and feeding and calming drug babies, and spending my night caring for the babies that are left at the hospital not wanted, taking food to the homeless people who live around me - I don't live in a great part of Phoenix, driving my ass down to Katrina at my expense and volunteering my time and license to care for the hurricane victims that our racist government turned its back on because I couldn't watch my television set any longer, care for any stray (animal or teenage human) that comes to my doorstep, taking care of and loving my own first 4 children whose fathers abandoned them, bringing a good man into my life to help me raise children that aren't his own (who by the way is an atheist). A lot of Sermon on the Mount kinda things here. Who woulda thought?
These are the "Beautiful examples", as you put it, that mommy is giving her children.
BTW - the word is invoke, not envoke - which does not exist in the English language ( you went to Adventist college didn't you?) which means:
1. to call for with earnest desire; make supplication or pray for: to invoke God's mercy.
2. to call on (a deity, Muse, etc.), as in prayer or supplication.
This is the way I am making the situation right. This is how I am invoking Matthew 5. By the way I live my life. That is my only defense. What's yours?
How can they think Tyler isn't spiritual when he is raised in such a toxic, spiritually void home environment? I guess our definitions of Spiritual are very different. And I am SO ok with that.
I'm a good mom, and a good nurse. And I'm the only one that has to know that, and the only one that has to be ok with it. The decisions I have made, and how I live my life allow me to sleep at night.
But enough about me.
You go ahead and pray for me. You aren't the first. You won't be the last. You pray to your god, and I'll pray to mine. Who knows, maybe we are really praying to the same one.
Once again, its not Jesus I have a problem with - its his fan club.
PS. And if "toxic" is the word you use to describe my home life and my lifestyle that I have written about here publicly, I would hate to see the word you use for the freakish stuff I don't make public. Scary.
Now Gimme My DOLLAR !!!!!!
Work sucks.
Doctors suck.
I'm gonna lose 100 pounds,
Get a boob job,
Turn in my nursing license,
And if I have to deal with an asshole in my new job -----
He will be slipping a twenty under my thong.
Doctors suck.
I'm gonna lose 100 pounds,
Get a boob job,
Turn in my nursing license,
And if I have to deal with an asshole in my new job -----
He will be slipping a twenty under my thong.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Claus and Effect
I've had ALOT of downtime at work lately. Lots of time to google. And well well well, I have found Mr. Claus. And although it is that time of year, its not Jolly Old Saint Nic kids, but the equally admirable 7th grade teacher who excomunicated my son from "Christian" gradeschool for not being spiritual enough. Yes my lovelies, it seems that Randall has been fortunate enough to have been relocated to beautiful Santa Rosa and is the 7th and 8th grade teacher at Redwood Adventist Academy. How is it that such a pathetic human being finds himself in such a beautiful place? Now that the question of where he is has been answered, the question of what to do with him remains. Finally time to reach into that neglected part of my soul, that part only reserved for necessary evils, time to dust off the sleeping demons that have been saved for this sole reason, to slowly start their blood flow again, to sprinkle them with a little black pixie dust. The possibilities are countless, ranging from quasi-legal annoyance to emotional persecution, from social embarassment to psychic vampirism. And oh so many more. This is not mere entertainment for me - it is my assignment. It will not be taken lightly. I will not let it be a cancer inside my soul, persistently eating my insides, but appropriate time and energy will be spent on creativity and perfect timing. A slow and careful build to the reciprocation of hurt. It WILL be returned. I will be careful to abide by the Law of Three - knowing that what I put out there will return to me threefold. To do no harm. My part will be to be the medium, the tool, the energy that facilitates evening the Karmic score - balancing the Karmic scales. Three little words. The Boomerang Effect. To make sure every bit of hurt and negativity and banishment that was directed to Tyler is reflected and returns to him threefold. The Boomerang effect - not only the single exception to the Law of Three, but a way to manipulate it. This will take time. But I don't forget. The score will be evened. Why is this my job? Simple.
Because you DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS.
This is the same man who didn't protect my girl's or any of the other kids that day from a child predator - who had been in the alley of the school watching the kids all day. A very dangerous one. This was the principal and boss of the teacher who laughed at me the next day when I told them how I had followed him after that to two other schools, one a preschool where he sat watching 2 and 3 year old girls, and the other where we found his secret little "camp" behind Tempe High where he watched the girls run track at night. This is the man who was responsible for protecting my girls, and not only couldn't recognize a child predator, but who went out of town the next day and didn't arrange for even one adult male to be at the school. I was the one, the only adult, who confronted the pervert when he sat outside the back fence of the school eyeing the kids. It makes me sick to think of the things that man did prior to that day, and the things he has done since. But it makes me sicker to know that my girls were there all day "proteceted" by someone who wouldn't even call the police or physically confront this man. Who allowed them to play outside at recess with this man watching them in the alley. To think about what could have happened had he, in a very calculated moment, been able to pull my Sydney or Lyndsey over the fence that day. To think of my daughter's body - what he would have done to it. Where I would have found it.
And if any of them, especially mine, would have been harmed that day, I would be disregarding any law - magickal or legal. And the energy from that day will also fuel this.
And what he did to Tyler that day. What he did to Tyler inside. What he did to me inside.
And this man has a name. It is Randall Claus. Now 7th and 8th grade teacher at Redwood Adventist Academy. Who has been, up till this point, able to move on, forget this unpleasantness, act like this didn't happen, continue in a career of Christian education where he is respected and trusted by his fellow parents, teachers and church members. Tyler was easy to forget. Tyler was easy to get rid of. A throw away kid. Someone who challenged and disagreed with him, a kid who made his cushy little Adventist job a little uncomfortable. Tyler had a brain, and called him on things. He didn't like this. He wasn't there to answer the hard questions. He was there to be obeyed, not be challanged. To go to work, teach about god, get his paycheck and go home damnit. How irritating Tyler must have been. The rock in his comfortable shoe. The annoying fly that ruins your picnic on the beach. How dare a child disagree or question. Or ridicule. Especially in Adventist education. They can think when they are adults. For now they need to shut up like good little sheep and absorb this well rehearsed sermon that is preached everyday at school. The answers, the ridiculous answers that my kids came home with when they were learning about AIDS and drugs. I fear for the world's future. And the examples they were shown when a predator was preying on them, and when Tyler didn't "fit the Adventist mold." I think the exact reason given was "Tyler is not spiritual enough for this school. Tyler doesn't do his homework. Tyler has an attitude. I (Mr. Clause speaking) feel that Tyler will do very well in the public school system. And if he is not voluntarily taken out of the school, it will go before the board and he will be expelled." And then a few weeks after that I went to the funeral of my old Sabbath School teacher, where the eulogy was about how it was her passion in life to make sure every child got to attend Tempe school. How we as parents need to follow her example and sacrifice whatever we have to to make sure our children go to Christian school. We were ASKED to leave. And I sat next to Mr. Claus and his wife during the funeral. Wonder what he was thinking? I know he felt my eyes. Among other things. Tyler was conveniently discarded. His soul, his heart, his "salvation", completely disregarded because he was an irritant. We didn't belong to the Tom Zirkle family. Or the Dr. Robert Clark family. Or the Vernon Eddlemon family. We didn't have money. Tyler was dispensible. And was dispensed of. Thrown away.
Well, I have a new religion. I don't have to turn the other cheek anymore. I don't have to love my enemies. I no longer am dictated to and condemned by a male-dominated, repressive organization or "Book of Truth" that claims they are right because they blindly believe in a delusional self-appointed diety born to a fearful pregnant teenager with a good story, who supposedly reincarnated and will take all the "good" people to this magical place in the sky someday, who more murder, rape, torture and war have been committed in the name of than any other person or belief in history. And they say MY beliefs are funny.
Merry Christmas by the way.
No. I have a new Way now. A new belief system. A new moral foundation.
I love Google. The internet is such an amazing thing. Randall Claus. One more time. The asshole's name is Randall Claus. Mr. Randall Claus. Teacher at Redwood Adventist Academy in Santa Rosa, California http://anpib7.adventistschoolconnect.org/index.php. Former teacher at Tempe Seventh-Day Adventist School http://www.tacschool.org/, member of the Arizona Conference of Seventh-Day Adventists http://www.seventhday.org/default.asp?category_id=62.
There. I feel better.
Let the Karma begin.
Do anything to me. Call me whatever name you want. Count my sins. Write my name in the sand. Condemn me. Laugh at me.
Because you DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS.
This is the same man who didn't protect my girl's or any of the other kids that day from a child predator - who had been in the alley of the school watching the kids all day. A very dangerous one. This was the principal and boss of the teacher who laughed at me the next day when I told them how I had followed him after that to two other schools, one a preschool where he sat watching 2 and 3 year old girls, and the other where we found his secret little "camp" behind Tempe High where he watched the girls run track at night. This is the man who was responsible for protecting my girls, and not only couldn't recognize a child predator, but who went out of town the next day and didn't arrange for even one adult male to be at the school. I was the one, the only adult, who confronted the pervert when he sat outside the back fence of the school eyeing the kids. It makes me sick to think of the things that man did prior to that day, and the things he has done since. But it makes me sicker to know that my girls were there all day "proteceted" by someone who wouldn't even call the police or physically confront this man. Who allowed them to play outside at recess with this man watching them in the alley. To think about what could have happened had he, in a very calculated moment, been able to pull my Sydney or Lyndsey over the fence that day. To think of my daughter's body - what he would have done to it. Where I would have found it.
And if any of them, especially mine, would have been harmed that day, I would be disregarding any law - magickal or legal. And the energy from that day will also fuel this.
And what he did to Tyler that day. What he did to Tyler inside. What he did to me inside.
And this man has a name. It is Randall Claus. Now 7th and 8th grade teacher at Redwood Adventist Academy. Who has been, up till this point, able to move on, forget this unpleasantness, act like this didn't happen, continue in a career of Christian education where he is respected and trusted by his fellow parents, teachers and church members. Tyler was easy to forget. Tyler was easy to get rid of. A throw away kid. Someone who challenged and disagreed with him, a kid who made his cushy little Adventist job a little uncomfortable. Tyler had a brain, and called him on things. He didn't like this. He wasn't there to answer the hard questions. He was there to be obeyed, not be challanged. To go to work, teach about god, get his paycheck and go home damnit. How irritating Tyler must have been. The rock in his comfortable shoe. The annoying fly that ruins your picnic on the beach. How dare a child disagree or question. Or ridicule. Especially in Adventist education. They can think when they are adults. For now they need to shut up like good little sheep and absorb this well rehearsed sermon that is preached everyday at school. The answers, the ridiculous answers that my kids came home with when they were learning about AIDS and drugs. I fear for the world's future. And the examples they were shown when a predator was preying on them, and when Tyler didn't "fit the Adventist mold." I think the exact reason given was "Tyler is not spiritual enough for this school. Tyler doesn't do his homework. Tyler has an attitude. I (Mr. Clause speaking) feel that Tyler will do very well in the public school system. And if he is not voluntarily taken out of the school, it will go before the board and he will be expelled." And then a few weeks after that I went to the funeral of my old Sabbath School teacher, where the eulogy was about how it was her passion in life to make sure every child got to attend Tempe school. How we as parents need to follow her example and sacrifice whatever we have to to make sure our children go to Christian school. We were ASKED to leave. And I sat next to Mr. Claus and his wife during the funeral. Wonder what he was thinking? I know he felt my eyes. Among other things. Tyler was conveniently discarded. His soul, his heart, his "salvation", completely disregarded because he was an irritant. We didn't belong to the Tom Zirkle family. Or the Dr. Robert Clark family. Or the Vernon Eddlemon family. We didn't have money. Tyler was dispensible. And was dispensed of. Thrown away.
Well, I have a new religion. I don't have to turn the other cheek anymore. I don't have to love my enemies. I no longer am dictated to and condemned by a male-dominated, repressive organization or "Book of Truth" that claims they are right because they blindly believe in a delusional self-appointed diety born to a fearful pregnant teenager with a good story, who supposedly reincarnated and will take all the "good" people to this magical place in the sky someday, who more murder, rape, torture and war have been committed in the name of than any other person or belief in history. And they say MY beliefs are funny.
Merry Christmas by the way.
No. I have a new Way now. A new belief system. A new moral foundation.
I love Google. The internet is such an amazing thing. Randall Claus. One more time. The asshole's name is Randall Claus. Mr. Randall Claus. Teacher at Redwood Adventist Academy in Santa Rosa, California http://anpib7.adventistschoolconnect.org/index.php. Former teacher at Tempe Seventh-Day Adventist School http://www.tacschool.org/, member of the Arizona Conference of Seventh-Day Adventists http://www.seventhday.org/default.asp?category_id=62.
There. I feel better.
Let the Karma begin.
Do anything to me. Call me whatever name you want. Count my sins. Write my name in the sand. Condemn me. Laugh at me.
BUT DON'T FUCK WITH MY KIDS.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Monday, December 03, 2007
Darcy
Lost another pound. Its day three of low carb and its finally past that hard stage, that craving stage. I'm keeping track of calories this time also, so that should help. And I'm exercising. I'm making sure to get my vegies in, not just protein and meat. And I'm feeling pretty good.
Work plans have changed a little. I will be working 16 in a row, not 14. That way I will have all 14 days of this pay period on the check. Cha ching. I'm behind on my mortgage though, so that should help. Unfortunately I won't be able to go to Susan's Christmas party. Maybe next year.
I'm hoping to be able to stay in a hotel one night close to Christmas with the kids and have our little family Christmas party. They love that so much. It really is fun. Maybe the week before.
My manager asked me to do a Tarot reading for her on Wednesday when I come in to work. So I need to brush up on it a little. Haven't done it for awhile. And I have them here with me tonight. I usually always have them with me. I hope its a good reading for her.
I brought my Wicca Almanac and my Herbal Almanac to study tonight. Still reading the book by the Farrar's. Its called "The Witch's Bible". Very detailed, much more "organized" than my eclectic preference, but I am learning alot. I know I will never have a male partner to do things with, and thats ok, but alot of their stuff incorporates that. I'm pretty happy being solitary, for the most part, but I still want to learn everything I can.
I still talk to god. However crazy that seems. God, Goddess, whoever it is. I am open to whatever "Truth" is, - thats the problem I just don't know what it is. I do know my new way is real and truth to me. And I no longer ignore or deny things that are obviously real, but were "warned" against - taught to ignore. So that is where I am at. Finally feel like I have some kind of something to stand on. And I'm finding more and more that I'm not alone. "There are more of us than you think."
Its weird how life brings people to you. Darcy is one of the nicest people I know. We spend alot of time together at work. She has 5 kids like me. All grown. She has been married 5 times. Had alot of shit in her life. Has a great outlook on life. She would do anything for anyone. She is always offering me a ride home, or bringing me something to eat, or making me something. She is the most genuine giving person I know - right up there with Royce's mom. One of the girls got kicked out by her boyfriend, and Darcy took her in without a second thought for a week. And Darcy is Mormon. Once again my stereotypes are being challanged. Darcy knows where I am coming from too. We talk. She knows how I believe and the things I do. She sees the necklace I wear. The books I read. She is never judgemental, never advisory, never tries to "save" me. Never. She always listens to me and I could tell her anything. Like the mom I never had. Just had to mention it. There is so much negative, its nice to find something so positive, and I think those kinds of things always need recognized.
I am doing things to get healthier. Feel good about that. This should be my bad week and it hasn't happened yet. I'm finding it takes a conscious choice and daily focus to maintain this. Lots of changes. Lots of cleaning out. But I feel good. And the weight is coming off again.
Work plans have changed a little. I will be working 16 in a row, not 14. That way I will have all 14 days of this pay period on the check. Cha ching. I'm behind on my mortgage though, so that should help. Unfortunately I won't be able to go to Susan's Christmas party. Maybe next year.
I'm hoping to be able to stay in a hotel one night close to Christmas with the kids and have our little family Christmas party. They love that so much. It really is fun. Maybe the week before.
My manager asked me to do a Tarot reading for her on Wednesday when I come in to work. So I need to brush up on it a little. Haven't done it for awhile. And I have them here with me tonight. I usually always have them with me. I hope its a good reading for her.
I brought my Wicca Almanac and my Herbal Almanac to study tonight. Still reading the book by the Farrar's. Its called "The Witch's Bible". Very detailed, much more "organized" than my eclectic preference, but I am learning alot. I know I will never have a male partner to do things with, and thats ok, but alot of their stuff incorporates that. I'm pretty happy being solitary, for the most part, but I still want to learn everything I can.
I still talk to god. However crazy that seems. God, Goddess, whoever it is. I am open to whatever "Truth" is, - thats the problem I just don't know what it is. I do know my new way is real and truth to me. And I no longer ignore or deny things that are obviously real, but were "warned" against - taught to ignore. So that is where I am at. Finally feel like I have some kind of something to stand on. And I'm finding more and more that I'm not alone. "There are more of us than you think."
Its weird how life brings people to you. Darcy is one of the nicest people I know. We spend alot of time together at work. She has 5 kids like me. All grown. She has been married 5 times. Had alot of shit in her life. Has a great outlook on life. She would do anything for anyone. She is always offering me a ride home, or bringing me something to eat, or making me something. She is the most genuine giving person I know - right up there with Royce's mom. One of the girls got kicked out by her boyfriend, and Darcy took her in without a second thought for a week. And Darcy is Mormon. Once again my stereotypes are being challanged. Darcy knows where I am coming from too. We talk. She knows how I believe and the things I do. She sees the necklace I wear. The books I read. She is never judgemental, never advisory, never tries to "save" me. Never. She always listens to me and I could tell her anything. Like the mom I never had. Just had to mention it. There is so much negative, its nice to find something so positive, and I think those kinds of things always need recognized.
I am doing things to get healthier. Feel good about that. This should be my bad week and it hasn't happened yet. I'm finding it takes a conscious choice and daily focus to maintain this. Lots of changes. Lots of cleaning out. But I feel good. And the weight is coming off again.
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Now Gimme My Dollar
Day 3 of my stretch. Feeling pretty good. Still doing no/low carb. Lost 3 pounds already. So going back down. Getting some reading done. Its nice to have time to read. I have the same little patient that I've had for the last 2 nights. May be her nurse the whole 2 week stretch. Nice little girl. Sucks that she has to be here this long. Darcy brought in all the Harry Potter movies tonight, so we'll probably watch a couple of those. Not a whole lot to say. Another day, another dollar.
Need to do some witchy stuff. Feeling unconnected.
No new pictures of The Garden yet. Waiting for them. http://www.ancramgarden.blogspot.com/
Need to do some witchy stuff. Feeling unconnected.
No new pictures of The Garden yet. Waiting for them. http://www.ancramgarden.blogspot.com/
Happy Yule
Day 2 of my long stretch. Still doing no carb. Doing ok on it. Haven't weighed myself. Its been so nice and cool and cloudy here, I hate it that I have to be working. Very nice here. Am excited cause I'm invited to a Christmas Party at Susan's house on the 14th. It should be lots of fun. And then she invited me to come and celebrate Yule with her on the 22nd. We may do some rituals at her place, and celebrate with some others in the community. Sounds exciting. These are my new holidays. My new beliefs. I have one little patient tonight. I had her last night too. I think I will try and get some reading done tonight. Going to research Yule and learn how to celebrate it. I have so many things I need to read. So so many. I should take advantage of all this time at work. I know it won't always be like this.
I told my kids I'm not going to overdo it this year. I'm going to get them some nice things, but I am not going to kill myself over Christmas like I usually do. I'm going to send out cards, but like I did last year, very few. I'm going to do Christmas my way.
I told my kids I'm not going to overdo it this year. I'm going to get them some nice things, but I am not going to kill myself over Christmas like I usually do. I'm going to send out cards, but like I did last year, very few. I'm going to do Christmas my way.
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