Well, it looks like I should finally say something on here. I haven't been on the computer in like a week. I got emails from Heather and Kris and Robin - I've got to write back. Miss all you guys soooooo much. Maybe I'll call Robin tonight at work. It is so nice to hear from you Stephanie on here. I will try my best to come to your Halloween Party. You know, its my favorite religious holiday.
Well, the spell worked. And beautifully. I had my money in two days. I was told it would be 4 to 6 weeks at one point. Nice. So I paid back my mom and Royce's dad, and two loans I had and got all my bills caught up. That took at least half of it. But it felt really good to pay everyone back.
So alot has happened:
I got my snake. She is beautiful. A two month old baby boa constrictor. Absolutely beautiful. And we got the right cage, and all the supplies, the kit/cage, and did everything the right way. Which felt good. I named her Lucy. Short for and feminine for Lucifer. Nice huh? I love her. The night we got her we wanted to go out. I didn't want to leave her at home with the kids because the cage wasn't set up yet. So I took her with me. We took her to the pool place and played pool with her in a tiny container in my purse. Sweet huh? Then we went to the strip club and I took her out and just held her in there while we sat and drank. The strippers all thought she was way cool and held her. Theres something about a hot naked girl with a snake. Anyhow, the only person who freaked was the DJ. What a puss. Guys are so weird. Anyhow, she is beautiful.
We went next and bought a kick ass sound system. If you know my house, this is totally out of place. But not for long. It is totally kick ass, 7.1 surround system, sounds and feels like an earthquake when the bass is up. It took like 4 days, with Tyler's help - which was absolutely necessary - to get it set up. But after it was all said and done ITS AWESOME. The night it was done we put on some Rob Zombie, cranked it and opened the door. Could hear it down the street. Awesome. The girls have been playing Oblivion on it. Awesome.
So, there was one little snag with the sound system. It was so advanced that it couldn't hook up to our tv. And we had a pretty nice tv, a regular 32 inch color tv. Nothing fancy. That was the problem though. So, of course we had to go buy a new flat screen high def 37 inch tv. YEEEESH - who woulda thought? Us, with a huge high def tv and a 7.1 surround system? I thought it would be a great thing for the whole family. So of course we sat down and watched a few movies in the next couple days after that. "Fun with Dick and Jane", which I highly recommend, "Little Miss Sunshine" which I almost peed my pants at the end with. OMG. It totally took me by surprise - I thought I was gonna have a coronary I laughed so hard. And we also got "Night At The Museum" which is absolutely awesome with the sound and tv.
As I've said, we have been playing alot of pool. We went Friday night to play. It was very crowded. We were playing with some people and having alot of fun. After awhile Royce realizes that his wallet is gone. Now, thank god it had no money in it and his bank card was innactive. None the less it got stolen. We went the next morning to the bank to put a password and security alert on the account, then to the pool place to see if anyone found it. Sure enough when they were cleaning up they discovered they couldn't flush the toilet in the girl's bathroom. They opened the tank, the chain was off, and there was the wallet floating in the tank. Some dumbass bitch stole his wallet, took his lisence and bank card out, and then stuck it in the tank of the toilet. Bitch. So they wanted to know if we noticed anyone who was around us. The people we were playing with were so nice, and I just KNEW it wasn't any of them. However there were two hispanic gangbanger girls next to us that had been talking to me. When I described them, the bartender and manager knew exactly who they were cause they have caused lots of trouble there, have passed fake 20s there, and were not allowed in there anymore. So we knew who did it. Okay, so Wed night, we are there again. Having a good time. I was making some incredible shots. Royce points behind me. I look, and there little miss bitch is walking out the back door. She came in, and was asked to leave. So I follow her to the door. She is already out at her car by now. I stand in the door way. There is no way she is going to steal our wallet and then 5 days later come back in to the same place and have me not confront her. I think not. So I stand there and look at her. From across the parking lot, she says "You got a problem?" At this point, I should have remembered the two teardrop tattoos at the corner of her eye, that mean 2 of her gang member comrades have been murdered. Not only remembered it, but slowly backed back into the bar. But I didn't. So I say to her, "Yeah, you stole our wallet the last time you were in here." She starts getting very anrgry, cussing "I never took your fucking wallet", and starts walking over to me. She gets in my face, I never move, and says " I never took any fucking wallet!!!" I look at her, and calmly say in here face, "You are PATHETIC." Famous last words. The next thing I know, she decks me in the face. And before I can even look up the boxes me right in the back of the head. At this point Royce intervenes and throws her on the ground. I get up, run to where I can get her lisence plate number. Royce starts going after her, telling her to hit HIM. She runs to her car, where her friend is at the drivers side yelling "Angel, just get in the car. Angel GET IN!!" So she sees me getting her lisence plate, says something else to me, I say something, and then - BAM ! again, on the side of the head, and then AGAIN to the base of my neck. Dumb whore bitch gangbanger cunt hit me AGAIN. She then got in the car and the sped away. I'm dizzy and in shock and in tears at this point. Royce is calling the police. And other people had come out to help me. So the police come, make a report, and want to know if I want to press charges for assault. ABSOLUTELY. Dumb bitch is going to jail if they catch her. And you know this is not her first offense. So there ya go. She was only about 5'2, shorter than me, about 120, mid 20s and very attractive, and mean as hell. She had told me that she was going to cover those tattoos up, cause she got them when she was 13 and didn't want to live that "life" anymore. That means she has been in a gang for at least 10 years and had seen at least 2 friends die. Mean bitch. And I had been nice to her too. Sometimes I hate people. And Royce said she hit me as hard as she could and had the perfect stance and position for boxing. Yeah, not her first time in a fight. Mine though. Not really a fight though, cause I just stood there. I swear, Kirk never even hit me that hard. Once again, my mouth gets me in deep. My face got a little red, but didn't really swell or bruise, thank god. And the back of my head was sore. But that was it. Royce said I was lucky she didn't have a knife or gun. I am. So I get a call the next day from a detective. Said they got the lisence plate and would be trying to find her and wanted to know if I still wanted to press charges. ABSOLUTELY. Even though she probably has our lisence and address, I will not be a stupid scared victim. Bitch is going to jail.
The next night we went to Bombshells for a little while. I have a little "stripclub boyfriend" that we meet in there sometimes. His name is Dennis. Very nice. Very married. Very repressed. I sit and talk and flirt with him while Roycie gets nice ass in his face. Its all good. Its a weird relationship folks, but it works. But thats as far as it goes, don't worry, no swinging here. Anyhow, he was in there. My head and neck and everything is hurting from getting hit. I tell him my exciting gang/bar fight story, and he tells me he's got percocet in the car and offers me some. What a prince. He brings me one. In about an hour, between the jager bombers and the perc - comfortably numb. Ahhhhhhhhh. Nice guy.
I started orientation at my new hospital. Very nice. Got 3 shifts in this week. Got my first paycheck. Its all good. And I thought the patients were going to be bitchy white girls. Nope. My same ol same ol comfort zone. Hispanic, Mexican, Filipino, Guatemalan mostly non English speaking wonderful people. I'm so relieved.
Sydney found a bat at school the other day. Yes, a bat. The other kids were trying to kill it, the teachers were freaking out, and so they caught it, put it in a little container, and locked it in a closet. Syd told me about it, they let me have it, and I wanted to keep it, of course a very stupid and illegal idea, so I didn't ( I thought, how awesome - just in time for Halloween), and we took it to the zoo. The people there were VERY concerned, immediately called in their supervisor, immediately took it to the hospital they have there, wanted to make sure no one touched it, were very concerned when we told them it was at a school, took my name and address and number, the name of the school, and said they had to report it to the health department. Said if it was not rabid and could get better they would re-release it out at Papago Park where there are alot of bat caves ( I wonder if they have and Bat phones there?). It was so cute. They called the next day and said it was negative for rabies. So very cool. It was a Mexican Brown Bat. Tiny little things.
So that has pretty much been my last week and a half. Very exciting and stressful. Today we are laying tile in the living room. I'm so excited. Finally some nice things for my house. I will post pictures. (And not the cheap stuff either). We took 2 classes at Home Depot to learn how to do it. I'm so excited.
Royce and I have been going out way too much. Not spending enough time at home. So we are going to cut down, and change the times that we play pool. Try to do it early in the day so we aren't out at night. But tonight is Amara's last dance at Bombshells. Amara is the bartender, an ex-stripper, and our friend. She hasn't danced for like years, but is getting married and is trying to raise money for her wedding. And her dances are $20 bucks a pop tonight. Twice the normal amount. She may have not danced for a long time, but she is beautiful and still the hottest girl in there. She is probably 5'2, 105 pounds, Filipino, 33 years old but looks 23, and all kinds of hot. Even dressed. She has been stressing about tonight. She told Royce she would feel better if we were there and asked him if we were coming. We promised her we would. So I think we will go for a little while - and contribute a little to her wedding fund.
So there ya go. A week and a half in the life of Barb.
Its never boring on Planet Barb. You are welcome to come along for the ride. Feel free to vicariously live through me.
Namaste.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Thursday, September 20, 2007
In Reverse
Not written by me, but now passed on by me.
"Reverse"
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way.
You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every day.
You get kicked out of there for being too healthy,
Go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and
you get ready for High School.
After High School, you go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play or nap all day,
you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating,
spa treatments,
room service on tap,
larger living quarters everyday...
and then...
You finish off as an orgasm!
It would have to be better that way ... Because this getting old .. Just Sucks!!!
I'll be 37 in 15 days.
"Reverse"
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead; just get it right out of the way.
You wake up in a senior care facility and start feeling better every day.
You get kicked out of there for being too healthy,
Go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you're "generally" promiscuous and
you get ready for High School.
After High School, you go to primary school,
you become a kid,
you play or nap all day,
you have no responsibilities.
You become a baby with no cares whatsoever.
Then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like
central heating,
spa treatments,
room service on tap,
larger living quarters everyday...
and then...
You finish off as an orgasm!
It would have to be better that way ... Because this getting old .. Just Sucks!!!
I'll be 37 in 15 days.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Cold Day in Hell - well, maybe not cold but cooler
I was 167 this morning when I woke up and am 166 now. Yesterday I ran a mile, walked a mile, did a half hour of yoga, and did 155 swings with the kettlebell in 15 minutes. Royce said the kettlebell burns way more calories than even jogging. I am strictly no carbs this week, this is week 3 of the 4 week cycle, next week (week 4) being carbs week, then I start all over. I have cheated though. It is right smack in the middle of my period, so the exercize has been hard, but I still did it. I really pushed myself yesterday, and I guess it paid off today. At 165 I will be what I was when Royce met me. The weather is finally starting to cool off, you know its down to like 160 - JK, but seriously its been kind of cloudy, even rained last night. So it is easier to go outside. And it is cloudy right now, so I am not going to be inside on the computer long and waste the heavenlyness of clouds in Phoenix. I even took a power nap - Royce took the baby to his mom's and I was in the house alone. Wow, what a weird feeling. Alone. So Tebs (my puppy) and I crawled under the covers for "15 minutes". Yeah right, I was out. But I feel so much better. I figure I can probably do yoga and jog everyday. I don't think that is too much. And then "workout" every other day. Or something like that.
I did a spell last night too. I have found a nice little place on the side of the house for my circle. My girls wanted to be out there with me, so I let them. They were very good and very respectful. I had them stay out of the circle. I will never push any belief on my children. But I will never hide it from them either and will always welcome them to be with me. It was a spell for money - specifically for whoever owes me money to get it to me - my retirement money that is due me. I need to get it faster. They told me it would be 30 to 45 days last week. I'm hoping to speed the process up a little. I'm going today to talk to them - hopefully inspire them to speed up the process a little. I wanted to do the spell before I went. And the moon is waxing, so it was a good time.
Royce and I have been playing alot of pool lately. I love it. And I'm getting better. We may even buy a pool table. Just gotta figure out where to put it in the house. Syd went with us yesterday and played. She had alot of fun.
Gotta get outside and see the clouds.
Namaste
I did a spell last night too. I have found a nice little place on the side of the house for my circle. My girls wanted to be out there with me, so I let them. They were very good and very respectful. I had them stay out of the circle. I will never push any belief on my children. But I will never hide it from them either and will always welcome them to be with me. It was a spell for money - specifically for whoever owes me money to get it to me - my retirement money that is due me. I need to get it faster. They told me it would be 30 to 45 days last week. I'm hoping to speed the process up a little. I'm going today to talk to them - hopefully inspire them to speed up the process a little. I wanted to do the spell before I went. And the moon is waxing, so it was a good time.
Royce and I have been playing alot of pool lately. I love it. And I'm getting better. We may even buy a pool table. Just gotta figure out where to put it in the house. Syd went with us yesterday and played. She had alot of fun.
Gotta get outside and see the clouds.
Namaste
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Out of the Broom Closet
There is a certain term in Wicca, "Out of the Broom Closet." As we all know, well most of us, the term "Out of the Closet" has been a phrase used to refer to gays, lesbians, people of a "different" sexual orientation, that are finally "out", finally ok enough with who they are that they aren't hiding anymore. Its when they publicly and socially embrace and accept who they are and let everyone know. Today I woke up, and I think I am finally there. I've been feeling much more comfortable telling people that I am a witch. But they have mostly been strangers. The other day someone asked me, out of genuine curiosity, what does that mean? To be a witch? I gave a basic answer. But thinking back on it, it really wasn't a good enough answer. At least not for me. I feel like I used to when "outside" people used to ask what it meant to be a Seventh-Day Adventist. The answer was never clear, it was like I didn't have enough identity in it to have the answers come as naturally as they should. And I was young. And was told that's what I was. And I was young. If you honestly live your life with a belief system, a religion, and it is important enough for you to base your household rules and choice of a church and prayer time and your basic moral beliefs on it and you teach all of this to your family - either by example or by actual teachings - if something is that important enough in your life, then your answer, your definition of it should be just second nature and easy to talk about. Long sentence, sorry. Okay -*breath* - I first started just interested in Wicca. To educate myself. Then I started identifying with it. Then I started studying. Then I started practicing. Then I started referring to myself that way. But I wasn't always comfortable telling people. I was scared of them have a negative reaction, or worse - talking to someone who was very Wiccan and very knowledgeable about it, and looking like a fool. Not anymore. I am ok with who I am. This is me. I don't have to defend it, I don't have to explain it, and I don't have to make anyone understand or agree with it. I am out. I think what made me realize this this morning was something I read. It is called "The Wiccan ABC's". I read this and it was so beautiful. I agree with everything on it, want to base how I live my life and how I treat people on it, base my morals on it, and want it to become who I am. It already is who I am- I've realized. There is nothing on it I could ever be ashamed of or not want to be identified with. I guess that makes it truly my belief system, and my "religion", although I hate the word religion. It is me.
And I am ok with telling everyone that THIS is me:
The Wiccan ABC's
Accept others as they are, we are all individuals.
Belief in yourself is a necessity.
Concentration is important in any endeavor, both magickal and in life.
Do what you will, so long as it harms none.
Empathy is an important life skill...learn it, practice it.
Find strength in yourself, your friends, your world and your actions.
Goddess/God's are multifaceted - The Lord and Lady take many names and faces.
Help others every change you get.
Intelligence is something that cannot be judged on the surface.
Judge not - what you send out comes back to you!
Karma loves to slap you in the face, watch out for it.
Learning is something that should never stop happening!!!
Magick is a wonderful gift, but it is not everything!
Nature is precious, appreciate it and protect it.
Over the course of time, your soul learns many lessons. Make this life count!!!
Pray
Quietness both physically and mentally restores the soul, meditate often.
Remember to take time for yourself as well as others.
Spells can help you, but you must also help yourself.
Tools can only do so much, they are not the foundation of all. You are the most important tool to use!!!
Unless you enjoy worrying, keep a positive attitude.
Visualize the success of your goals before you set out to achieve them.
Wisdom can often be found in the least unexpected places.
Xenophobia (a hatred of those different from you) is a path to misery.
You are a beautiful person who is capable of anything!!!
Zapping away all of your troubles is not going to happen.
And I am ok with telling everyone that THIS is me:
The Wiccan ABC's
Accept others as they are, we are all individuals.
Belief in yourself is a necessity.
Concentration is important in any endeavor, both magickal and in life.
Do what you will, so long as it harms none.
Empathy is an important life skill...learn it, practice it.
Find strength in yourself, your friends, your world and your actions.
Goddess/God's are multifaceted - The Lord and Lady take many names and faces.
Help others every change you get.
Intelligence is something that cannot be judged on the surface.
Judge not - what you send out comes back to you!
Karma loves to slap you in the face, watch out for it.
Learning is something that should never stop happening!!!
Magick is a wonderful gift, but it is not everything!
Nature is precious, appreciate it and protect it.
Over the course of time, your soul learns many lessons. Make this life count!!!
Pray
Quietness both physically and mentally restores the soul, meditate often.
Remember to take time for yourself as well as others.
Spells can help you, but you must also help yourself.
Tools can only do so much, they are not the foundation of all. You are the most important tool to use!!!
Unless you enjoy worrying, keep a positive attitude.
Visualize the success of your goals before you set out to achieve them.
Wisdom can often be found in the least unexpected places.
Xenophobia (a hatred of those different from you) is a path to misery.
You are a beautiful person who is capable of anything!!!
Zapping away all of your troubles is not going to happen.
This will be my answer from now on. I may keep a copy of this with me.
As of September 13 (how appropriate is that - the 13th???), 2007. This is officially me.
Welcome to my World.
Blessed Be.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Suspended Animation
I'm back.
Was quiet for awhile. Medicating. Thinking. Escaping. I start my new job tomorrow. Its at a very nice little hospital. And I already know people there. I miss county very much. But I will be making more money, and the all around details of the job are much better. Except the people I love working with will not be there. And your co-workers make the job. But I will make new friends.
The anniversary of my dad's death was on Sunday, the 2nd. This too has been part of the reason for medicating and escaping. Just don't feel like talking. Its hard to believe he's been gone for a whole year. My world is a very different place without him. Hell, the world as a whole.
I told my mom I would take her to the cemetary. Her car was in the shop. She had not been to the cemetary yet. Not once. Peggy called her that morning and said she would meet us there. I believe I started the day out drinking. I went to the store. Bought a red rose and a yellow rose. And some more Jager. This time a big bottle. Made sure I put the little powdery flower food in the water to keep them alive longer. Downed some Jager in the parking lot. We were supposed to leave at 5:00. I was running late. About 5:30 I walk over to Mom's house, and she is all flustered cause we haven't left yet. She called the cemetary and they said they closed the gates at 6 pm. I said "Mom, they aren't going to kick us out - its a cemetary." She kept resisting. And crying. And flustering. Took her clothes off. Put them back on. Off again. On again. I was buzzed and frustrated at this point. I said "You are going to the cemetary, and you are going to put those flowers you bought on the grave. Dad would do it for you." She still resisted. I said. "Well, I guess thats the difference between you and him. If you were dead and he were alive, he would do it for you. He would go and see you. He deserves that much." She stormed out of the room. I slid down her bedroom wall, held my face in my hands, and sobbed. She came back in few minutes, and said "Are you going or not?" I sat there, crying, and said "I'm sorry. I just miss Dad."
All the kids went except Tyler, and Royce came too. We drove down the winding street of the cemetary. Stopped by the trees that are my markers. Peggy was already there, and her kids were there too. Everyone got out but me. My mom walked to the grave. The first time she had been there since we buried him. I sat in the car. All I could do was cry. I couldn't get out. Royce sat by me for a little while, then got out. I glanced over and saw all the grandkids with my mom and sister at my dad's grave. I cried more. Peggy finally came over and asked me if I was ok and hugged me. And cried with me. Little Lauren wanted to know why I was sad. I said I couldn't get out yet. I sat there a little while longer. Finally, I picked up my flowers, and got out. I slowly walked over to Dad. Everyone kind of gave me my space. I stood on the grave. Looked down at his name. Looked at the empty spot that will someday have my mom's name on it, and a date. I looked up at Royce, pointed to the space and said "I don't want to do this again." I just looked at his name again. Dusted off the stone. And put my flowers in the vase with my mom's. The kids were walking with my mom and Peggy looking at the other flowers and graves. I just sat down. My mom and Peggy were ready to leave. I wasn't. I told Royce to take everyone home and come back and get me.
I sat there alone. And cried. And talked to him. And just sat. The sun started to go down. Then the sun was gone. I have never been in a cemetary after dark. It got darker and darker. And was probably the most peaceful place I have been in a long time. It wasn't scary at all, or uncomfortable, or anything. Nothing jumped out at me. Little night birds came out. And the crickets sang. My dad loved to hear crickets. It was actually very nice. I walked around a little. Then came back to Dad. And sat by him some more. After about an hour Royce pulled up and came and sat by me. He handed me a small bottle of tequila. "I thought you might need this." My man knows me well. Liquid anesthesia. Comfortably numb. We talked about Dad. Got to laughing a few times. Remembering good things. Laughing out loud. In the cemetary at night. Cried and laughed. I started to think about Anne. And her baby. That always happens when I drink. And drinking in the cemetary is definately going to do it. I still and will always feel like I should have done something more that day. I should have been a better nurse. I should have helped my friend. I still and will probably always feel guilty that I am here and she is not. I feel like I failed her. She was so beautiful. And so, on Thanksgiving I get to do this all over again. I don't cry as much with her anymore though.
I love a tequila buzz. Its such a full body numbness. We finally got up. I said goodbye to Dad. And drove to the club. Where I sat and had more alcohol. And listened to very loud music. And became comfortable. And numb.
And so I go on. Start another year without Dad. Start a new job. Go on with life. Aside from this last month, things are good. Royce and I are great. And my fitness plan is back on track. I am down 14 pounds. Started back on no carbs on Monday and lost 9 pounds this week. Not bad. I decided to start riding my bike again. I've been very fearful about that after what happened a few months ago, and so haven't gone out on it. But yesterday I did. It was hard, and hot, but I rode 5 miles. And felt good. So I decided to go again today. I think maybe I'm just not supposed to ride a bike. I wanted to ride further today. I actually rode to Hospice, where my dad died. And rode past it. I was booking. It was downhill. I had had an effedra, and I was feeling the need for speed. It was great. Until I tried to go up onto the sidewalk, the lip of the sidewalk was about 2 inches high, and my bike, at about 20 miles an hour didn't make the curb. I completely wiped out, was thrown completely off the bike into the asphalt of a parking lot. I went DOWN. Landed on my kneecap, and my elbow. And should have had a head injury but somehow avoided it. It was so bad I stopped traffic, and so bad that I wasn't even embarrased. I just laid there for a moment. A van with a Mexican family stopped. The dad ran over to me, helped me up, and picked up my bike. My bike is fucked. The front break is completely locked. I couldn't even move it. He made his wife get his little daughter to come over to translate. He spoke very little English, but between his muy pocito Ingles and my Spanglish and his daughter we communicated. I kept saying, "I'm OK." He was very concerned,said he didn't have a phone, but would give me a ride home. I told him I was fine and I would call my husband. He hesitated, but I finally convinced him I was ok. I thanked him in Spanish and English. I hid my bike, crossed the street, and found a little bar. I borrowed a cell phone, and called home.
My bike is fucked. But it doesn't matter. I'm not riding it anymore. At least not until Royce has one and can go with me.
Other than that, life is peachey.
Aside from the injury my outlook and feel about getting in shape is wonderful. I know I will do this. I am bringing sexy back. And I will be getting those new boobies for sure now with part of my retirement money from County. I'll be skinny with stripper boobies.
Then the career change.
I'm bringing sexy back.
And life goes on.
Was quiet for awhile. Medicating. Thinking. Escaping. I start my new job tomorrow. Its at a very nice little hospital. And I already know people there. I miss county very much. But I will be making more money, and the all around details of the job are much better. Except the people I love working with will not be there. And your co-workers make the job. But I will make new friends.
The anniversary of my dad's death was on Sunday, the 2nd. This too has been part of the reason for medicating and escaping. Just don't feel like talking. Its hard to believe he's been gone for a whole year. My world is a very different place without him. Hell, the world as a whole.
I told my mom I would take her to the cemetary. Her car was in the shop. She had not been to the cemetary yet. Not once. Peggy called her that morning and said she would meet us there. I believe I started the day out drinking. I went to the store. Bought a red rose and a yellow rose. And some more Jager. This time a big bottle. Made sure I put the little powdery flower food in the water to keep them alive longer. Downed some Jager in the parking lot. We were supposed to leave at 5:00. I was running late. About 5:30 I walk over to Mom's house, and she is all flustered cause we haven't left yet. She called the cemetary and they said they closed the gates at 6 pm. I said "Mom, they aren't going to kick us out - its a cemetary." She kept resisting. And crying. And flustering. Took her clothes off. Put them back on. Off again. On again. I was buzzed and frustrated at this point. I said "You are going to the cemetary, and you are going to put those flowers you bought on the grave. Dad would do it for you." She still resisted. I said. "Well, I guess thats the difference between you and him. If you were dead and he were alive, he would do it for you. He would go and see you. He deserves that much." She stormed out of the room. I slid down her bedroom wall, held my face in my hands, and sobbed. She came back in few minutes, and said "Are you going or not?" I sat there, crying, and said "I'm sorry. I just miss Dad."
All the kids went except Tyler, and Royce came too. We drove down the winding street of the cemetary. Stopped by the trees that are my markers. Peggy was already there, and her kids were there too. Everyone got out but me. My mom walked to the grave. The first time she had been there since we buried him. I sat in the car. All I could do was cry. I couldn't get out. Royce sat by me for a little while, then got out. I glanced over and saw all the grandkids with my mom and sister at my dad's grave. I cried more. Peggy finally came over and asked me if I was ok and hugged me. And cried with me. Little Lauren wanted to know why I was sad. I said I couldn't get out yet. I sat there a little while longer. Finally, I picked up my flowers, and got out. I slowly walked over to Dad. Everyone kind of gave me my space. I stood on the grave. Looked down at his name. Looked at the empty spot that will someday have my mom's name on it, and a date. I looked up at Royce, pointed to the space and said "I don't want to do this again." I just looked at his name again. Dusted off the stone. And put my flowers in the vase with my mom's. The kids were walking with my mom and Peggy looking at the other flowers and graves. I just sat down. My mom and Peggy were ready to leave. I wasn't. I told Royce to take everyone home and come back and get me.
I sat there alone. And cried. And talked to him. And just sat. The sun started to go down. Then the sun was gone. I have never been in a cemetary after dark. It got darker and darker. And was probably the most peaceful place I have been in a long time. It wasn't scary at all, or uncomfortable, or anything. Nothing jumped out at me. Little night birds came out. And the crickets sang. My dad loved to hear crickets. It was actually very nice. I walked around a little. Then came back to Dad. And sat by him some more. After about an hour Royce pulled up and came and sat by me. He handed me a small bottle of tequila. "I thought you might need this." My man knows me well. Liquid anesthesia. Comfortably numb. We talked about Dad. Got to laughing a few times. Remembering good things. Laughing out loud. In the cemetary at night. Cried and laughed. I started to think about Anne. And her baby. That always happens when I drink. And drinking in the cemetary is definately going to do it. I still and will always feel like I should have done something more that day. I should have been a better nurse. I should have helped my friend. I still and will probably always feel guilty that I am here and she is not. I feel like I failed her. She was so beautiful. And so, on Thanksgiving I get to do this all over again. I don't cry as much with her anymore though.
I love a tequila buzz. Its such a full body numbness. We finally got up. I said goodbye to Dad. And drove to the club. Where I sat and had more alcohol. And listened to very loud music. And became comfortable. And numb.
And so I go on. Start another year without Dad. Start a new job. Go on with life. Aside from this last month, things are good. Royce and I are great. And my fitness plan is back on track. I am down 14 pounds. Started back on no carbs on Monday and lost 9 pounds this week. Not bad. I decided to start riding my bike again. I've been very fearful about that after what happened a few months ago, and so haven't gone out on it. But yesterday I did. It was hard, and hot, but I rode 5 miles. And felt good. So I decided to go again today. I think maybe I'm just not supposed to ride a bike. I wanted to ride further today. I actually rode to Hospice, where my dad died. And rode past it. I was booking. It was downhill. I had had an effedra, and I was feeling the need for speed. It was great. Until I tried to go up onto the sidewalk, the lip of the sidewalk was about 2 inches high, and my bike, at about 20 miles an hour didn't make the curb. I completely wiped out, was thrown completely off the bike into the asphalt of a parking lot. I went DOWN. Landed on my kneecap, and my elbow. And should have had a head injury but somehow avoided it. It was so bad I stopped traffic, and so bad that I wasn't even embarrased. I just laid there for a moment. A van with a Mexican family stopped. The dad ran over to me, helped me up, and picked up my bike. My bike is fucked. The front break is completely locked. I couldn't even move it. He made his wife get his little daughter to come over to translate. He spoke very little English, but between his muy pocito Ingles and my Spanglish and his daughter we communicated. I kept saying, "I'm OK." He was very concerned,said he didn't have a phone, but would give me a ride home. I told him I was fine and I would call my husband. He hesitated, but I finally convinced him I was ok. I thanked him in Spanish and English. I hid my bike, crossed the street, and found a little bar. I borrowed a cell phone, and called home.
My bike is fucked. But it doesn't matter. I'm not riding it anymore. At least not until Royce has one and can go with me.
Other than that, life is peachey.
Aside from the injury my outlook and feel about getting in shape is wonderful. I know I will do this. I am bringing sexy back. And I will be getting those new boobies for sure now with part of my retirement money from County. I'll be skinny with stripper boobies.
Then the career change.
I'm bringing sexy back.
And life goes on.
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