So I've been bored with my hair for awhile. Decided on a little change.
As of yesterday its now black with huge pink strips/hunks of hair.
Not sure I'm done with it. We'll see. Maybe I'll put a picture on here.
First I screwed it up, and started to look like Stevie Nicks.
What color my hair is seems pretty insignificant when there is a war going on, and bad things are all around. Like this one http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18921040/. I actually felt sick reading it. But you know, things like that make me want to never turn on the tv, or read any news. Makes me want to only be concerned with my hair. Or my nails. Or American Idol. I just kept envisioning those kids hanging there.......................
I think I'll make it blue next time.
Feeling very melancholy. Yeah, I know, whats new.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Saturday, May 26, 2007
As Close As I Can Get
Went to church this morning.
Its 9:45.
Just standing in the parking lot gives me the willies.
Walked in the front door.
Mrs. Malette greets me with that I've just seen a ghost look.
I always liked her.
"Hi Barbara! How are you?"
"I'm really good, how are you?"
I walk past her.
I notice that the message board is missing. Its gone.
She asks me if I would like a bulletin.
I say thank you and take it.
Awkwardly, I enter the sanctuary.
Les Long is at the pulpit. Speaking.
He's sees me walk in.
I make and hold eye contact with him.
Our eyes stay locked, but his words don't skip a beat.
His words..........
.........How sin can not be a part of our lives.
.........How we will all be held accountable someday.
.........How no matter how we try we can never be perfect.
.........How those of us with sin WILL be found out.
.........How parents will pay for not raising their children right.
I hold his eyes with mine. The whole time.
I sit down to the right, the closest possible seat.
Dr. Eddlemon is sitting straight across from me, but doesn't look up.
I wonder if I should give it to him. But decide against it.
So I sit there. And listen for a moment.
I get back up and go back to the foyer.
The message board is missing, redecorating the foyer I see.
"Do you have a message board anymore?"
"Why yes, its in the side room here while we are redecorating. Why? Is there something I can do for you?" Mrs. Mallette holds out her hand.
"I just needed to drop something off." And I motion to the paper in my hand.
There is a black woman standing in the foyer with us, I didn't see her come in, and I don't recognize her.
"Oh Barbara, this is so and so. And so and so this is Barbara."
Mrs. Mallette is still smiling, like she always does. Always so nice.
Black lady greets me without a smile, a weird kind of look, and shakes my hand.
"Its nice to meet you" she flatly says to me.
I nod.
"This is Peggy's sister." says Mrs. Mallette.
I look away and start walking to the side room.
"Would you like me to put something up for you, on the board?"
"Is it ok if I put it up myself?"
"Of course, I think there is one more tack up there" she says.
I walk into the tiny room. The same room I met with the pastor and deacons with christmas eve of 2005 when I revoked my membership. The same room I cried in, they prayed in, and where I cursed god. Where I signed my lease to hell. On the small bulletin board are lists of potlucks, and deacon assignments. And announcements.
I take the one remaining tack and put up Tyler's gradeschool graduation program from last night.
On it is written by me,
"Mr. Klaus was right. Tyler did do very well in public school."
I tack it up and walk out the front door.
I'm crying as I leave, but not for long.
I drive to the music store. Its on the way, almost. I find Rob Zombie and pay for it.
Thunder Kiss is playing at maximum volume as I take the little sidestreets right behind Mill Avenue. That neighborhood we love so much.
I drive the short distance to the school. I turn down the culdesac and park in front. I get out. Walk to the big black mailbox, and place one of the graduation programs inside. Its the only thing in there.
I have one more program to deliver.
Driving through the warehouse/commercial district just south of the school I see mexican bird of paradise decorating the lawns. I pull over, take out my switchblade and slice a few off. See some yellow lantana a little further down the road. Slice me some of that too.
I start crying again, the closer I get.
I turn into the cemetary. Rob Zombie blasting. Drive slowly down the curvy lane. I park by the curve in the road that is my marker. I still have to use the trees to find him. The big one to the west, and the one to the south, where they intersect. I'm surprised to find my mom's flowers still there.
When I was little I used to think it was disrespectful and creepy to walk on someones grave. But now, it just feels right to sit right down on top, as close as I can possibly get.
This is as close as I can possibly get anymore.
I dust the dead grass from off the top. Dust, and swipe, over and over, a little angry that the wind has blown it there. That no one came to clean the grass off, that no one sat guard to make sure nothing disgraced it.
"Hi Dad." I cry.
"Tyler graduated from gradeschool last night. I wish you could have come."
I just sit and cry for a little while.
The grass has almost totally healed, but you can still see the outline. I look at the grass, and think about how he really is down there, six feet away. And I sit on top of him. Its as close as I can get. I check out his view. The trees to the north. The mountains to the south.
"I miss you Dad."
"I'm sorry for all the times I disappointed you."
"If I can talk to you again, I will."
I take the third and last graduation program and leave it on my dad's grave.
"Its getting hot Dad. You would hate it."
I stand up, and tell Dad I will be back again.
Trees to the north.
Mountains to the south.
As close as I can get.
My new high-school freshman.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Flo Can Go Fuck Herself
I hate my period.
Woke up this morning, felt like shit warmed over. I just laid there - not unlike roadkill. Royce brought me some Tylenol, and I took it before I even attempted to get up. Today is the kids last day at school. Royce offered to take the kids to school because I felt so bad. He also went and got me breakfast at Jack in the Box even before he took the kids to school. So he comes back, walks in the door, I look at him and say "This must be attractive.......", as I'm sprawled out on the couch in my underwear and a shirt, propped up on pillows, comforter between my legs, hair up in a bun, with a giant soda resting in the corner of the couch, large curly fries leaning against a pillow with the Heinz bottle beside them, and my Jumbo Jack opened on the pillow in front of me - watching The Today Show.
I hate my period.
So I'm sitting there watching tv. Theres a story about a woman in Lake Havasu City who is having sextuplets. She's huge, hospitilized, looks like the little girl who turned into a blueberry on Willy Wonka, and is still smiling. The whole town had a baby shower for her. I start crying. Partly out of emotion, partly out of pity. The size of her stomach is giving me more cramps. I cry some more. How stupid is that? Royce leaves to go to the store, and to leave me in my crying foodfest. I double over a little more in pain and watch a story about women who have cancer that get wigs from donated hair. I start crying again, kind of sobbing this time. This has got to stop. I suddenly start feeling REALLY not so good, end up on the toilet with diarrea and start crying on the toilet in sheer frustration of doing this every month. Every month the same old thing. And every month, just a little bit worse. And then I see we have only 1/4 a roll of toilet paper left. Great. The pain is excruciating. Why hasn't the tylenol touched me? Oh, maybe because I need some REAL drugs. I go back to the living room. Angelina Jolie is giving an interview and talking about losing her mom. I think about my dad. I start crying again. If this keeps up I'm going to need an IV to rehydrate myself.
And we are supposed to go out today for Royce's birthday. Out to eat, to the stripclub. I hope I feel better. Why today. Honestly the only thing that ever makes me feel better is Jagermeister. Really. A shot of two. I always feel better after that, especially for cramps. Maybe I'll medicate with some Jager at the strip club.
I think I just need to have it yanked out. I'm never going to use my uterus again. Its retired. Put out to pasture on a nice little uteri farm. Maybe I just need to put it out of its misery. You know, it served me well, I used it alot, we have many fond memories. Slicing it in half to get Tyler. Expelling 4 babies. The little date we had in the ER with that cute doctor. But you know, all good things must come to an end. I think its time we both accepted that things really aren't working out between us anymore. Maybe now that I have insurance I'll just do it.
I hate my period.
I'm so sick of being sick.
Tylenol is kicking in a little bit.
I bet a pedicure would help my cramps.
Woke up this morning, felt like shit warmed over. I just laid there - not unlike roadkill. Royce brought me some Tylenol, and I took it before I even attempted to get up. Today is the kids last day at school. Royce offered to take the kids to school because I felt so bad. He also went and got me breakfast at Jack in the Box even before he took the kids to school. So he comes back, walks in the door, I look at him and say "This must be attractive.......", as I'm sprawled out on the couch in my underwear and a shirt, propped up on pillows, comforter between my legs, hair up in a bun, with a giant soda resting in the corner of the couch, large curly fries leaning against a pillow with the Heinz bottle beside them, and my Jumbo Jack opened on the pillow in front of me - watching The Today Show.
I hate my period.
So I'm sitting there watching tv. Theres a story about a woman in Lake Havasu City who is having sextuplets. She's huge, hospitilized, looks like the little girl who turned into a blueberry on Willy Wonka, and is still smiling. The whole town had a baby shower for her. I start crying. Partly out of emotion, partly out of pity. The size of her stomach is giving me more cramps. I cry some more. How stupid is that? Royce leaves to go to the store, and to leave me in my crying foodfest. I double over a little more in pain and watch a story about women who have cancer that get wigs from donated hair. I start crying again, kind of sobbing this time. This has got to stop. I suddenly start feeling REALLY not so good, end up on the toilet with diarrea and start crying on the toilet in sheer frustration of doing this every month. Every month the same old thing. And every month, just a little bit worse. And then I see we have only 1/4 a roll of toilet paper left. Great. The pain is excruciating. Why hasn't the tylenol touched me? Oh, maybe because I need some REAL drugs. I go back to the living room. Angelina Jolie is giving an interview and talking about losing her mom. I think about my dad. I start crying again. If this keeps up I'm going to need an IV to rehydrate myself.
And we are supposed to go out today for Royce's birthday. Out to eat, to the stripclub. I hope I feel better. Why today. Honestly the only thing that ever makes me feel better is Jagermeister. Really. A shot of two. I always feel better after that, especially for cramps. Maybe I'll medicate with some Jager at the strip club.
I think I just need to have it yanked out. I'm never going to use my uterus again. Its retired. Put out to pasture on a nice little uteri farm. Maybe I just need to put it out of its misery. You know, it served me well, I used it alot, we have many fond memories. Slicing it in half to get Tyler. Expelling 4 babies. The little date we had in the ER with that cute doctor. But you know, all good things must come to an end. I think its time we both accepted that things really aren't working out between us anymore. Maybe now that I have insurance I'll just do it.
I hate my period.
I'm so sick of being sick.
Tylenol is kicking in a little bit.
I bet a pedicure would help my cramps.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Chutes and Ladders
I wish I had an eliptical trainer. I would love to think I would use it everyday. It seems like it would make exercizing easier. I haven't been trying lately. Been concentrating on money and work. And its getting really hot here. I know, they really aren't good excuses, but they are my reasons right now. The Brass Rail is a fun place. Especially after work. Lots of nightshift people go there because it opens at 6:30 am. I like just about anything, but I usually get a shot or two of Goldshlagger or brandy, and like a bloody mary or two. Ok, usually two. And breakfast. Yum.
Two more nights until I have a day off, and thats only because I have a class the day after that and can't be up all night the night before. The bills are getting a little better, the checking account a little better. All I can do is keep working on it. At least I have a job that will let me.
Had a nice night at work. Going to take my sleepy meds a little earlier - Benadryl hangovers suck. Have to take effedra when I get up just to wake up.
Uppers then downers, then uppers, then downers. My life right now.
Two more nights until I have a day off, and thats only because I have a class the day after that and can't be up all night the night before. The bills are getting a little better, the checking account a little better. All I can do is keep working on it. At least I have a job that will let me.
Had a nice night at work. Going to take my sleepy meds a little earlier - Benadryl hangovers suck. Have to take effedra when I get up just to wake up.
Uppers then downers, then uppers, then downers. My life right now.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Laughing
Worked last night. Took the kids to school, then went to the Brass Rail and met Kris and Jenn there for awhile and had a few drinks. I never laugh as hard as I do when I am with Kris. She just makes me laugh. And hard. And its really good for me. Came home. Brought Royce breakfast, saw the little kids. Took a benadryl and NyQuil, and need to sleep and be back at work at 7.
I feel better after I laugh.
I feel better after I laugh.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Baby steps
Things are a little better. A little. I worked 11 out of the 14 nights last paycheck. However, the gov took ALOT. This will be good come tax time, but now not so good. But not having taxes taken out is what got me in this mess. But got some things paid that really needed it. So that is good. Here's the deal. I need about $8ooo by the end of July to keep my house. Very serious situation. But if I work enough overtime I can do it. So I've pretty much resigned myself to working pretty much non-stop till I have the money. No one is going to help me, no one is going to get me out of this mess, I got into it by myself, and will get myself out. I can't wait till the housepayment is not looming over my head. Then I will NEVER get in this situation again. NEVER.
We have a new charge nurse at night. And its not a good change. Very difficult to work with. Some unprofessional behavior. Lots of talking behind everyone's back to everyone else. Its making work miserable, the nights that she is here. And she makes my schedule and is in control of my overtime. Yeah. Nice. So I have decided, this is life, make the best, go to work, and do my job. And to have a good attitude.
And we are getting a new floor manager. I've heard nothing good about her. Lots of talk about the other hospitals she worked at in the Valley, cutting costs, cutting overtime, cutting staff to bare minimum for her own cash incentives for being a "cost effective" manager. Of course this always happens, until something stupid and very dangerous happens on the floor because there isn't enough staff. Like a baby dying. That seems to motivate everyone. Sad isn't it? That has happened twice. Then all of a sudden priorities change, and staffing numbers go up. These kind of people don't usually last long. They usually dig their own grave, and all you have to do is watch them fall in. Maybe kick a little dirt in, and put a flower on top. I won't work unsafely though.
I hate management.
-
We have a new charge nurse at night. And its not a good change. Very difficult to work with. Some unprofessional behavior. Lots of talking behind everyone's back to everyone else. Its making work miserable, the nights that she is here. And she makes my schedule and is in control of my overtime. Yeah. Nice. So I have decided, this is life, make the best, go to work, and do my job. And to have a good attitude.
And we are getting a new floor manager. I've heard nothing good about her. Lots of talk about the other hospitals she worked at in the Valley, cutting costs, cutting overtime, cutting staff to bare minimum for her own cash incentives for being a "cost effective" manager. Of course this always happens, until something stupid and very dangerous happens on the floor because there isn't enough staff. Like a baby dying. That seems to motivate everyone. Sad isn't it? That has happened twice. Then all of a sudden priorities change, and staffing numbers go up. These kind of people don't usually last long. They usually dig their own grave, and all you have to do is watch them fall in. Maybe kick a little dirt in, and put a flower on top. I won't work unsafely though.
I hate management.
-
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Mom's Day
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY !!!
Happy Mom's Day to all you mom's out there. Hope you are having a nice relaxivating day with your kids. All my kids are still asleep still - so my day is relaxing so far, lol. Royce got up this morning and gave me a present. I told him, "You don't need to get me anything, I'm not YOUR mother," and he said, yes tis true, but I am the mother of his kids, so he wanted to get me something. He presented me with my favorite little chocolates (Lindor Truffles), which I'm sure I'm only going to get like 3 of them before the day is over, and he gave me a rose crystal, which I absolutely love. He said it transmits unconditional love, like we have for our children. It is beautiful, and I love it. In actuality, I'm probably going to clean the house some today - I actually want to do this, one of my only days off, maybe cook some, go for a walk with the kids, and maybe watch a movie with them. I also have to help Sydney write a paper/speech that is due Wednesday, on the 1930's. So that will probably pretty much be my Mother's Day. I know some people will have a hard time understanding this, but it is a perfect day for me.
For the last couple of years I have totally distanced myself from my mother. Last Mother's day I didn't even speak to her, much less get her anything. Yesterday I bought her a pretty plant with pink flowers and a balloon that I'm sure the kids will love. I'm going to give them to her today. Things are getting better. Baby steps.
Once again, not going to waste a lot of time here, but gotta say something. Your whole St. Peter at the gate thing, puleeeeeze. Your whole rant has absolutely no validity, because for one thing you don't even know YOUR bible. According to YOUR bible, and contrary to popular belief, when you die you are dead in the ground, not wisted off to the Pearly gates - Ecclesiastes 9:5 (King James Version)
"For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten."
And left in the ground until the second coming of Jesus.
Know your Bible before you start preaching about it. Anything you have to say about the bible or god to me at this point is a completely non-valid viewpoint, cause you don't even know the bible yourself - obviously. Apparently I know it better than you and I don't even believe it. Kinda pathetic.
Second, even if the bible were true, the Christian religion would not be an accurate religion to belong to. More texts, sorry -
Matthew 7:16
"Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?"
Matthew 7:20
"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."
The "fruits" I have seen from christians are hateful, unkind, and dishonest. This completely removes any validity of the christian religion. Their fruits are bad. That is if you believe the bible in the first place.
Lastly:
Romans 14:13 (King James Version)
"Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way."
I think you could call Karl's behavior, his telling me how much he wanted to fuck me - behind his wife's back, the 15 page article he sent me on "Deep Throat" dick sucking - behind his wife's back, his telling me how he wanted to kiss me all over after my car accident - behind his wife's back, his telling me how he wishes his wife would be like me in bed - yeah all of those things and more - and then preaching to me and as my Friend in Christ holding me accountable for my sexual sins - yeah, might be considered a stumbling block. Maybe you should be more worried about his salvation than about mine. Here's his email: keleukert@yahoo.com
Happy Mom's Day to all you mom's out there. Hope you are having a nice relaxivating day with your kids. All my kids are still asleep still - so my day is relaxing so far, lol. Royce got up this morning and gave me a present. I told him, "You don't need to get me anything, I'm not YOUR mother," and he said, yes tis true, but I am the mother of his kids, so he wanted to get me something. He presented me with my favorite little chocolates (Lindor Truffles), which I'm sure I'm only going to get like 3 of them before the day is over, and he gave me a rose crystal, which I absolutely love. He said it transmits unconditional love, like we have for our children. It is beautiful, and I love it. In actuality, I'm probably going to clean the house some today - I actually want to do this, one of my only days off, maybe cook some, go for a walk with the kids, and maybe watch a movie with them. I also have to help Sydney write a paper/speech that is due Wednesday, on the 1930's. So that will probably pretty much be my Mother's Day. I know some people will have a hard time understanding this, but it is a perfect day for me.
For the last couple of years I have totally distanced myself from my mother. Last Mother's day I didn't even speak to her, much less get her anything. Yesterday I bought her a pretty plant with pink flowers and a balloon that I'm sure the kids will love. I'm going to give them to her today. Things are getting better. Baby steps.
**************************************************************************************
On a different, less pleasant topic, I recieved a nice little comment from Mr. Anonymous. It was posted on the Psalms 91 post I did awhile ago. I've had that post done and over with, but apparently it struck a nerve with someone. Here's the comment: https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=20067055&postID=1383015511946823585
Once again, not going to waste a lot of time here, but gotta say something. Your whole St. Peter at the gate thing, puleeeeeze. Your whole rant has absolutely no validity, because for one thing you don't even know YOUR bible. According to YOUR bible, and contrary to popular belief, when you die you are dead in the ground, not wisted off to the Pearly gates - Ecclesiastes 9:5 (King James Version)
"For the living know that they shall die: but the dead know not any thing, neither have they any more a reward; for the memory of them is forgotten."
And left in the ground until the second coming of Jesus.
Know your Bible before you start preaching about it. Anything you have to say about the bible or god to me at this point is a completely non-valid viewpoint, cause you don't even know the bible yourself - obviously. Apparently I know it better than you and I don't even believe it. Kinda pathetic.
Second, even if the bible were true, the Christian religion would not be an accurate religion to belong to. More texts, sorry -
Matthew 7:16
"Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?"
Matthew 7:20
"Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them."
The "fruits" I have seen from christians are hateful, unkind, and dishonest. This completely removes any validity of the christian religion. Their fruits are bad. That is if you believe the bible in the first place.
Lastly:
Romans 14:13 (King James Version)
"Let us not therefore judge one another any more: but judge this rather, that no man put a stumblingblock or an occasion to fall in his brother's way."
I think you could call Karl's behavior, his telling me how much he wanted to fuck me - behind his wife's back, the 15 page article he sent me on "Deep Throat" dick sucking - behind his wife's back, his telling me how he wanted to kiss me all over after my car accident - behind his wife's back, his telling me how he wishes his wife would be like me in bed - yeah all of those things and more - and then preaching to me and as my Friend in Christ holding me accountable for my sexual sins - yeah, might be considered a stumbling block. Maybe you should be more worried about his salvation than about mine. Here's his email: keleukert@yahoo.com
It sucks when the pagan girl knows your bible better than you, doesn't it?
Its YOUR Hell, YOU burn in it.
*********************************************************************
On a much nicer note, I went to Vision Quest yesterday. I bought two books on Tarot, a journal to start recording all the readings I do for people, and a deck of Wiccan cards. I was disappointed in the Wiccan cards, I thought they were actual Tarot cards, but they were something else. But they are still pretty cool. I saw a huge encyclopedia, 2 volumes, on Tarot, $30 bucks a piece. Another paycheck. I want to learn everything I can. And I'm getting better at it. I did a reading for a co-worker at the Brass Rail the other day. I didn't even mean to meet her there, but I went by myself, and she just happened to be there after work. After sitting drinking with her for a little while, she asked me if I would do a reading there. Its funny, how people are. She shuffled the cards, asked the question, and I spread them out on the table we were at. We were bothering no one, minding our own business, having a private conversation. The waitress, who always waits on me, and is really nice - asked us what we were playing. Then realized they were Tarot cards, got this weird look on her face, and never came back to our table. Not to ask us if we needed anything, not to give us our check. She completely ignored us after that. For at least an hour. I finally had to go up to the bar and ask for our check. My friend with me couldn't believe that she was acting like that, because of the cards. I told her I'm used to it. I paid for her bill and mine, and left a nice tip. I just wanted to leave. It was a good reading though. Very on, very accurate.
Happy Mother's Day everyone. Gonna go to Sprouts and get stuff to make something yummy.
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Spring, Summer and Healing
Stacey, the Beltane festival sounds wonderful, I wish I could have gone to one. I am so new to this, I don't even know what Beltane is celebrating, but now I am going to research it and learn all about it. I am going to go to a Summer Solstice celebration and am going with a friend from work, hopefully maybe more than one friend. It is going to be at the Irish Cultural Center. It is not actually on June 21st- Summer Solstice - but is on the 25th, probably due to availability at the center. But I have asked for both days off at work, so on the 21st maybe I will do something at home. I am going to study and learn all about it before then. Yeah, doesn't sound so much like church, does it?
By the way Stacie - your new man--------really hot. Just thought I'd tell you.
You are doing so good with your weight. I was doing good, until I had to start working like every night, and I let everthing go to crap. I probably gained all my weight back, if not more. Hopefully when I can slow work down a little, I will get back on the program again.
I worked alot in the yard yesterday, got all the grass cut. It so badly needed done. Now it looks so nice out there. And the day before yesterday I did my hair - it is black on the bottom half and plum on the top. It turned out really good.
It seems like my mother and I have found some middle ground. I've started going over there more. We are talking more. I think we are just both very careful about what we talk about. It feels like anger is gone. I don't want to have regrets when she is gone. I regret not talking to my dad more. Not seeing him more. Letting issues between my mom and I get in the way. I don't want any more regrets. I don't think I can live in my house after she is gone. I've been thinking about that lately. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe that is when we will finally move. I don't think I could bear to live behind my parents house when they are both gone. My mom still cries. Everytime I see her, she cries some. Then I start crying. She talks about church some. I listen. I interject some of my opinions sometimes, but there is not any anger directed toward her anymore.
Its getting very hot lately. It gets less and less easy to live here. And Royce is so sick every spring and summer that I know we will eventually leave. Maybe Northwest. I'm sure that is where we will end up. Someday Nikki.
By the way Stacie - your new man--------really hot. Just thought I'd tell you.
You are doing so good with your weight. I was doing good, until I had to start working like every night, and I let everthing go to crap. I probably gained all my weight back, if not more. Hopefully when I can slow work down a little, I will get back on the program again.
I worked alot in the yard yesterday, got all the grass cut. It so badly needed done. Now it looks so nice out there. And the day before yesterday I did my hair - it is black on the bottom half and plum on the top. It turned out really good.
It seems like my mother and I have found some middle ground. I've started going over there more. We are talking more. I think we are just both very careful about what we talk about. It feels like anger is gone. I don't want to have regrets when she is gone. I regret not talking to my dad more. Not seeing him more. Letting issues between my mom and I get in the way. I don't want any more regrets. I don't think I can live in my house after she is gone. I've been thinking about that lately. I just don't think I can do it. Maybe that is when we will finally move. I don't think I could bear to live behind my parents house when they are both gone. My mom still cries. Everytime I see her, she cries some. Then I start crying. She talks about church some. I listen. I interject some of my opinions sometimes, but there is not any anger directed toward her anymore.
Its getting very hot lately. It gets less and less easy to live here. And Royce is so sick every spring and summer that I know we will eventually leave. Maybe Northwest. I'm sure that is where we will end up. Someday Nikki.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
Psalms 91
Psalms 91.
I memorized the whole chapter one time in gradeschool.
I also sat at my dad's bedside in Hospice, a few days before he died, and read this chapter to him. It was one of the last times he looked at me, and I knew he understood me. I read it because it was one of his favorites; not because I believe it.
In fact it is one of the reasons I don't believe in that god anymore. Why I don't believe the Bible. Livingsword, you tell me to read the Quran, then re-read the Bible and then see how it speaks to me. I don't need anything for comparison. The words in the Bible are enough to convince me. Either the whole Bible is truth, or none of it can be believed. You can not pick and choose which parts you want to be true. This is what most people do. This chapter alone I have found untrue. And I can't explain the deepness of the hurt when I think that my dad truly with all his heart believed this. This makes me angry, and so very sad. Most of the chapter can be applied here to my dad, but there are a few verses in particular that just turned out to be so untrue.
Verse 1:
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Verse 3:
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler,
and from the noisome pestilence.
Verses 5,6, and 7:
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;
nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;
nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side,
and ten thousand at thy right hand;
but it shall not come nigh thee.
Verses 9 and 10:
Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge,
even the Most High, thy habitation;
there shall no evil befall thee,
neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
This is why I do not believe the Bible anymore. Not because I am angry at mere humans. Not because someone in the church did not represent Jesus correctly. Not because I want to argue. BECAUSE IT IS NOT TRUE.
My dad dwelled in the secret place of the Most High. Evil did come near him, when blatantly promised it wouldn't. Why does it promise that a thousand will fall at his right hand, and ten thousand at his right, but that is wouldn't come near him? And it did? You die-hard christian bible beaters out there, I can hear you now, saying "its a metaphor, it means salvation, not earthly comfort." Oh but you are wrong, why does it in plain language say in verse 9 and 10, because my dad made the Lord God his refuge, his habitation, which he certainly did, that no evil will befall him? That no plague will come nigh his dwelling? My dad did all of that, everything he was told by the bible to do, and he was not spared from evil, from suffering. Now you may all say, people are going to suffer, everyone is going to die, it is an imperfect world. Then why does the bible promise no suffering if you follow god? This totally doesn't make sense to me. And if I can not believe part of the Bible, I can not believe any of it. How can you? How can any of you?
Thats enough for me.
Sometimes I'll get that twinge, that twinge from brainwashing, that I'm on the outside looking in, have gone the wrong way, that fear that they are right and I'm going to hell - then I look at it logically and intelligently. I hold the Bible up for the test of truth - and this chapter alone gives me validation. It kills that twinge. Truth versus twinge = hmmmmmm, truth wins.
I think the "truth" of any group, religion or otherwise, is evident in the character of its people. There were many actions of church members that helped me make my decision to leave the Seventh-Day Adventist church. What happened with Karl was one of the first and major things that made me leave. When one of my very, very best friends, who claims complete devotion to god and his church, who was in love with me when we were young, proposed to me when we were 18, who had told me he will never get over me, has an emotional, very intimate affair with me over a few months time while he is married, then when I start seeing someone new - holds me in check. Tells me he can't be my friend anymore, because of my lifestyle and decision to have sex out of marriage with this new guy. Not because he and I were unfaithful, but because I am living a corrupt lifestyle that the Bible speaks out against, and he is doing the loving thing by holding me accountable for my sins, and removing his friendship because of my choices. Karl continued to preach the gospel to me when he saw me being dissenchanted with it. He told me god's love, and the truth in the bible, and told me he prayed for me. But when asked, he said he never told his wife. Never came clean, never asked for forgiveness in his own life. And couldn't. And wouldn't. But continued to preach to me. About Jesus and love, and the right way to live. To have one of your very very best friends do this to you - this was the first major thing. What Mr. Claus did to Tyler. Being treated so badly when I was pregnant. All of these things. These actions do not coincide with any "christian" belief. The actions of this group have proved invalid. Wrong.
That combined with the "untruth" I find in the bible - well, I'm done. Thanks Karl - for pointing me in the right direction.
I miss my dad.
I memorized the whole chapter one time in gradeschool.
I also sat at my dad's bedside in Hospice, a few days before he died, and read this chapter to him. It was one of the last times he looked at me, and I knew he understood me. I read it because it was one of his favorites; not because I believe it.
In fact it is one of the reasons I don't believe in that god anymore. Why I don't believe the Bible. Livingsword, you tell me to read the Quran, then re-read the Bible and then see how it speaks to me. I don't need anything for comparison. The words in the Bible are enough to convince me. Either the whole Bible is truth, or none of it can be believed. You can not pick and choose which parts you want to be true. This is what most people do. This chapter alone I have found untrue. And I can't explain the deepness of the hurt when I think that my dad truly with all his heart believed this. This makes me angry, and so very sad. Most of the chapter can be applied here to my dad, but there are a few verses in particular that just turned out to be so untrue.
Verse 1:
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the Most High
shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty.
Verse 3:
Surely he shall deliver thee from the snare of the fowler,
and from the noisome pestilence.
Verses 5,6, and 7:
Thou shalt not be afraid for the terror by night;
nor for the arrow that flieth by day;
nor for the pestilence that walketh in darkness;
nor for the destruction that wasteth at noonday.
A thousand shall fall at thy side,
and ten thousand at thy right hand;
but it shall not come nigh thee.
Verses 9 and 10:
Because thou hast made the LORD, which is my refuge,
even the Most High, thy habitation;
there shall no evil befall thee,
neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling.
This is why I do not believe the Bible anymore. Not because I am angry at mere humans. Not because someone in the church did not represent Jesus correctly. Not because I want to argue. BECAUSE IT IS NOT TRUE.
My dad dwelled in the secret place of the Most High. Evil did come near him, when blatantly promised it wouldn't. Why does it promise that a thousand will fall at his right hand, and ten thousand at his right, but that is wouldn't come near him? And it did? You die-hard christian bible beaters out there, I can hear you now, saying "its a metaphor, it means salvation, not earthly comfort." Oh but you are wrong, why does it in plain language say in verse 9 and 10, because my dad made the Lord God his refuge, his habitation, which he certainly did, that no evil will befall him? That no plague will come nigh his dwelling? My dad did all of that, everything he was told by the bible to do, and he was not spared from evil, from suffering. Now you may all say, people are going to suffer, everyone is going to die, it is an imperfect world. Then why does the bible promise no suffering if you follow god? This totally doesn't make sense to me. And if I can not believe part of the Bible, I can not believe any of it. How can you? How can any of you?
Thats enough for me.
Sometimes I'll get that twinge, that twinge from brainwashing, that I'm on the outside looking in, have gone the wrong way, that fear that they are right and I'm going to hell - then I look at it logically and intelligently. I hold the Bible up for the test of truth - and this chapter alone gives me validation. It kills that twinge. Truth versus twinge = hmmmmmm, truth wins.
I think the "truth" of any group, religion or otherwise, is evident in the character of its people. There were many actions of church members that helped me make my decision to leave the Seventh-Day Adventist church. What happened with Karl was one of the first and major things that made me leave. When one of my very, very best friends, who claims complete devotion to god and his church, who was in love with me when we were young, proposed to me when we were 18, who had told me he will never get over me, has an emotional, very intimate affair with me over a few months time while he is married, then when I start seeing someone new - holds me in check. Tells me he can't be my friend anymore, because of my lifestyle and decision to have sex out of marriage with this new guy. Not because he and I were unfaithful, but because I am living a corrupt lifestyle that the Bible speaks out against, and he is doing the loving thing by holding me accountable for my sins, and removing his friendship because of my choices. Karl continued to preach the gospel to me when he saw me being dissenchanted with it. He told me god's love, and the truth in the bible, and told me he prayed for me. But when asked, he said he never told his wife. Never came clean, never asked for forgiveness in his own life. And couldn't. And wouldn't. But continued to preach to me. About Jesus and love, and the right way to live. To have one of your very very best friends do this to you - this was the first major thing. What Mr. Claus did to Tyler. Being treated so badly when I was pregnant. All of these things. These actions do not coincide with any "christian" belief. The actions of this group have proved invalid. Wrong.
That combined with the "untruth" I find in the bible - well, I'm done. Thanks Karl - for pointing me in the right direction.
I miss my dad.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Versions of Reality
Livingsword, I can tell you didn't grow up in a church - just by your spirit and attitude. I can feel your energy. All comments are always welcome, but the spirit in which you write is appreciated. The not-preaching part. It seems you have found something wonderful for you. You found evidence in the Bible - I however have found no such thing, but the opposite. What you see as "fingerprints" I see as nature. Which is something awesome and wonderful, but which does not validate anything christian to me. Energy yes, - god, not sure. But like I said, I can not deny the presence of god. I also want to read the Koran.
Trailady, I never mind you sharing, but am always glad to hear from you. I also think we have had alot of the same journey, and at this point are going slightly different directions, but that we are overall kind of in the same place. Your comments and thoughts are always welcome.
Cathy, congratulations on the degree! I am so happy for you. I know you worked really hard. I'm always glad to hear from you too.
I think I just need to separate, once and for all, god and any kind of religion. To be open to everything, to follow my instincts, to listen to all that speaks - then I will find truth.
I found a quote recently that made alot of sense to me;
"The more versions of reality you see, the more likely it is that you will be able to find your own truth someday."
Maybe this is why I never found it in christianity - only one version, everyone has blinders on because everything out of their "box" of "truth" is evil, or wrong, or blasphemy. I will only find my place when I am truly "open" to all. I always say, you shouldn't be scared of a different idea, a different view, if your beliefs are strong enough, they will prove themselves. I find that people are fanatically opposed to the "unknown" only because they either aren't confident enough in their own beliefs, are KNOWLEDGEABLE enough in their own beliefs, or they are scared they might not be right. All anger comes from fear.
I've been studying and practicing the Tarot alot lately. Not proficient by any means, but learning. Its amazing how many people want a reading. And I think I have actually helped to some degree everyone that I have done a reading on. I'm taking the opportunity to read and study while I am spending so much time at work these days. I dream of the day when finances are not an issue, when I can have my own little shop, of potions and herbs and spells and all things mystical. My own little shop. Sometimes I fantasize about it. (Maybe we can put it right next to the strip club we are going to own, lol). Will need lots of Harley parking at both places. (I think I'm truly sleep deprived, dreaming while awake.)
This is my 6th night in a row, and am going to work 11 in a row. Work is getting a little tiresome. Getting a little burnt.
Going to the Brass Rail this morning with friends.
Trailady, I never mind you sharing, but am always glad to hear from you. I also think we have had alot of the same journey, and at this point are going slightly different directions, but that we are overall kind of in the same place. Your comments and thoughts are always welcome.
Cathy, congratulations on the degree! I am so happy for you. I know you worked really hard. I'm always glad to hear from you too.
I think I just need to separate, once and for all, god and any kind of religion. To be open to everything, to follow my instincts, to listen to all that speaks - then I will find truth.
I found a quote recently that made alot of sense to me;
"The more versions of reality you see, the more likely it is that you will be able to find your own truth someday."
Maybe this is why I never found it in christianity - only one version, everyone has blinders on because everything out of their "box" of "truth" is evil, or wrong, or blasphemy. I will only find my place when I am truly "open" to all. I always say, you shouldn't be scared of a different idea, a different view, if your beliefs are strong enough, they will prove themselves. I find that people are fanatically opposed to the "unknown" only because they either aren't confident enough in their own beliefs, are KNOWLEDGEABLE enough in their own beliefs, or they are scared they might not be right. All anger comes from fear.
I've been studying and practicing the Tarot alot lately. Not proficient by any means, but learning. Its amazing how many people want a reading. And I think I have actually helped to some degree everyone that I have done a reading on. I'm taking the opportunity to read and study while I am spending so much time at work these days. I dream of the day when finances are not an issue, when I can have my own little shop, of potions and herbs and spells and all things mystical. My own little shop. Sometimes I fantasize about it. (Maybe we can put it right next to the strip club we are going to own, lol). Will need lots of Harley parking at both places. (I think I'm truly sleep deprived, dreaming while awake.)
This is my 6th night in a row, and am going to work 11 in a row. Work is getting a little tiresome. Getting a little burnt.
Going to the Brass Rail this morning with friends.
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