All I did this morning was chase dogs. Because of the tweak in the gate, all the dogs could get out, and did. I would fix it, or think I had, and then turn my back and they would be gone. This happened like 4 times. So I decided I needed to do something serious.
I just got done weaving my gate to the fence with 100 feet of nylon cord. No one can go out or in. I will just drive my trash around I guess. Kids and dogs can no longer escape.
Lets see the doggies get out of that. I have fuckin genius dogs if they can.
If you don't like it Royce I will take it down. But I think it will solve some of our problems.
I know this is Teresa's doing. Or more likely one of her fucking illegal ass husband Pedro's amigos. Remember when they drove down the alley, casing my house, laughing at me? Or those women showed up in my driveway and stared me down and laughed. Yeah, they were all laughing until Pedro approached Royce and Royce happened to mention that a call to immigration would be a solution to any problems between the wives. Its funny how everybody disappears after you mention the border patrol.
My mom said that someone had been in her yard today too. The gate was left closed, and later she found it wide open.
I know Teresa thinks because her dogs got taken by animal control that I need to lose mine.
If she wants to start fucking with me again, bring it on. Everytime she does, some government agency gets her in trouble. Bring it on. I can play.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Sofa Queen
I'm believing more and more in energy. So I come home from work on Saturday morning. I have decided the day before, that I am going to go yard-saleing on Sundays from now on. Specifically looking for couches, and furniture. Remember that my living room is void at this point. So I get home. And I just can't shake the feeling that I should go looking at yard sales now. I think, I need to go to bed, I have to work tonight. But the feeling won't leave me. And I'm not sleepy. So I get in the car. I feel I need to go to the Arcadia area. So I go up 48th, go to Osborn, and head to 44th Street. I go north. I haven't seen one yard sale. I'm thinking Oh Well. I get just past Indian School and there is a pink sign. I check it out. There are two couches, beige like I wanted, and a table and chairs. I leave. But drive back cause I think this is too weird. I ask the lady, a little Spanish speaking mommy, how much. Quantos?
The price is good. I ask about the table and chairs. And the price is incredible. I go and get Royce, and go back. They are mine. I didn't get to bed till 11, but it was worth it. I now have 2 couches, and very nice ones, and a dining room set in my living room. I am so excited. I know I can't fix everything, but I wanted at least some furniture before the party.
I'm going to paint tomorrow.
Royce is at school. I'm going to fix him some spaghetti for when he gets home. I'm very proud of him. We stayed up till 3 having hot sex last night. It was great. My mojo is coming back.
I did some tarot readings at work. When it was slow. Did Karina's, and Evette's, and Robin's. Some were so right on. They all asked me to do it, I never push it on anyone. I'm getting better at this. I've gotten to the point where, when I am at work, working in triage, I can feel when a patient is coming in. And I about 15 to 20 minutes shy of them physically being there.
Syd just told me that somebody was just at our gate and let all our dogs out and that the gate is now broken. I went out to examine it, and sure enough, all the dogs were out, and the gate is tweaked, so that you can't hook it anymore. Matt and Tyler found PolarBear and Shadow and Tebs, and Sparky was already in, but Max, my little dog is still gone. And its dark. When I went outside Matt was yelling at someone down the alley. I hate feeling unsafe. I hate the fact that I feel unsafe when I am here alone. I don't like it when Royce is gone. Tyler and Matt are looking for Max now. I hate the fact that some weird guy was at my gate. And why didn't Shadow bark? I didn't hear anything. But the gate is definately tweaked.
Hope Maxxie comes home safe.
The price is good. I ask about the table and chairs. And the price is incredible. I go and get Royce, and go back. They are mine. I didn't get to bed till 11, but it was worth it. I now have 2 couches, and very nice ones, and a dining room set in my living room. I am so excited. I know I can't fix everything, but I wanted at least some furniture before the party.
I'm going to paint tomorrow.
Royce is at school. I'm going to fix him some spaghetti for when he gets home. I'm very proud of him. We stayed up till 3 having hot sex last night. It was great. My mojo is coming back.
I did some tarot readings at work. When it was slow. Did Karina's, and Evette's, and Robin's. Some were so right on. They all asked me to do it, I never push it on anyone. I'm getting better at this. I've gotten to the point where, when I am at work, working in triage, I can feel when a patient is coming in. And I about 15 to 20 minutes shy of them physically being there.
Syd just told me that somebody was just at our gate and let all our dogs out and that the gate is now broken. I went out to examine it, and sure enough, all the dogs were out, and the gate is tweaked, so that you can't hook it anymore. Matt and Tyler found PolarBear and Shadow and Tebs, and Sparky was already in, but Max, my little dog is still gone. And its dark. When I went outside Matt was yelling at someone down the alley. I hate feeling unsafe. I hate the fact that I feel unsafe when I am here alone. I don't like it when Royce is gone. Tyler and Matt are looking for Max now. I hate the fact that some weird guy was at my gate. And why didn't Shadow bark? I didn't hear anything. But the gate is definately tweaked.
Hope Maxxie comes home safe.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Therapy
Ways to Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity .
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a hair dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write " For Smuggling Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8 . Don't use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera.
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme?
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Home
On Thursdays while Royce is doing his prereques (this and the next four weeks) he takes the car before the kids get out of school. So I have to walk to the school ( a mile away ) to get them. Today I rode my bike cause I was running late. On the way home the girls and I went through the neighborhood and walked to my mom's. When I was 10 I had a bike. My parents got Peggy and I each a bike, used ones, from a garage sale or something. My bike had a banana seat and a huge back to it, this metal thing that stood straight up in the air. It was used, and not very stylish, but I loved this bike. I rode it all over the place. Today I rode where I used to ride when I was 10. The same streets, the same houses. It looks the same. And I always used to ride after school, the same time that we were out today. I remembered what my family felt like then. What my dad was like. What my mom was like. What life was like. Its not really de ja vu if you really are in the same place you once were. You can do that when you live in the same neighborhood you grew up in. Life was perfect then. All there was was school, my friends, the afternoon, bike riding, the sunset, and supper. 
Today was the first time the memory of my dad was comforting. It didn't feel sad at all.
I just felt like I was home.
Maybe that is the true aftereffect of a wonderful life. When those left behind hurt at first because they miss you. But then the hurt slowly changes to comfort.
And then they just feel like they are home.
Today was the first time the memory of my dad was comforting. It didn't feel sad at all.
I just felt like I was home.
Maybe that is the true aftereffect of a wonderful life. When those left behind hurt at first because they miss you. But then the hurt slowly changes to comfort.
And then they just feel like they are home.
Me and Dad, and Uncle Paul,1975
-the same front yard my kids ran through today
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Sister Christian Your the Only One...........
So I'm taking out the trash, and I hear Peggy's voice from my mom's yard. She flags me down. I wave and say hi. She comes in my yard.
"Whats that?"
"Its a gazebo" I say.
"Whats it for?" ( like it couldn't just be for enjoyment).
"Well, we wanted one for a long time, and I'm having a party, so I bought it."
"What kind of party? Am I invited?"
"Well, I haven't invited you yet...," .........pause............and I smile uncomfortably.
She comes inside. "You never call me" she says. I am quiet, and keep walking.
My kitchen is clean, and smelling of food, and candles are burning and the jazz is still on. She looks at my sauce, "WHAT is that?"
"Tomatoes, and mushrooms, and more tomatoes"
"I'm impressed".
"Its just veggies", I say with a smile, and a turn of the head.
"You are cooking?"
"Yes, cause I have to work tomorrow."
She asks about the party, I say "Its just a party". She asks if its a birthday party (Peggy could never handle being left out). I say no. "An adult party?"
"Yes, an adult party. Don't worry, no strippers. Its a girl party."
And with a hint of, "you have friends?????" she asks me "Well, who is coming?"
"A few girls, people from work, and Loida."
"Oh, cool".
She tells me she came over because she had something to tell me. She is moving.
"Where?" I'm getting the feeling it is far away.
"Rick got a job offer", (he flies a helicopter and teaches). "Louisanna or Texas."
I ask her if its a good thing, she smiles and shrugs, and I tell her I'm happy if she is happy, and I honestly mean it.
"It will be for 2 years minimum, then we might come back."
I tell her I hope it is Louisanna, and not Texas.
I move my potatoes to the sink to rinse them with cold water.
"Why? I like Texas better. Louisanna is so humid. And Austin is so beautiful."
I say " Beautiful goes away when the people are shitty. And the people in Texas are shitty."
"When were you ever there?"
"When we went down to help the victims of Katrina. The people are racist as hell. Wouldn't even wait on us in a restaurant after they found out why we were going there. I hate Texas. I never want to go there again."
"I like Texas better."
"I'm sure you will be happy wherever you go."
"Yeah, I will." But she is not convincing.
"Wanna buy our house?" half jokingly.
We talk about the kids, and school, and Tyler (he has always been her favorite), and she is blown away with how grown up he is, and lets me know she disapproves of some of my decisions. I firmly back up my decisions, and she is left with nothing to say.
We talk a little about people we know. She tells me she would feel the same way about the school if they had banished Ricky like they did Tyler. She thinks I should have fought it. I say I just want nothing to do with them any more. We talk a little about Tyler's music and his girlfriend.
We hear voices. The kids and my mom are at the gate. Cheyenne wants her bike to take over and show Lauren (Peggy's little girl who is one month younger).
"I have to go", she smiles and leaves and walks to the gate.
Cheyenne rides her bike to the gate, Lauren watching. My mom and Peggy cooing at how cute she is.
I immediately drink some more wine.
My vegies are still cooking. The potatoes are cooling.
********************************************************************
I haven't talked to Peggy since Christmas. And then it was brief. The last time we really talked was when my dad died.
I miss my dad. The things I miss are so unexpected. The streets we used to drive on. The way he would walk over to my yard. How he always took me to piano lessons. His shoes. His lunchbox. His flannel shirts. The gun shows he went to. Grocery shopping. How he sat at the dinner table.
My dad would be sad if he knew how Peggy and I have turned out. It would hurt him.
I love my sister.
But she will never by my sister.
"Whats that?"
"Its a gazebo" I say.
"Whats it for?" ( like it couldn't just be for enjoyment).
"Well, we wanted one for a long time, and I'm having a party, so I bought it."
"What kind of party? Am I invited?"
"Well, I haven't invited you yet...," .........pause............and I smile uncomfortably.
She comes inside. "You never call me" she says. I am quiet, and keep walking.
My kitchen is clean, and smelling of food, and candles are burning and the jazz is still on. She looks at my sauce, "WHAT is that?"
"Tomatoes, and mushrooms, and more tomatoes"
"I'm impressed".
"Its just veggies", I say with a smile, and a turn of the head.
"You are cooking?"
"Yes, cause I have to work tomorrow."
She asks about the party, I say "Its just a party". She asks if its a birthday party (Peggy could never handle being left out). I say no. "An adult party?"
"Yes, an adult party. Don't worry, no strippers. Its a girl party."
And with a hint of, "you have friends?????" she asks me "Well, who is coming?"
"A few girls, people from work, and Loida."
"Oh, cool".
She tells me she came over because she had something to tell me. She is moving.
"Where?" I'm getting the feeling it is far away.
"Rick got a job offer", (he flies a helicopter and teaches). "Louisanna or Texas."
I ask her if its a good thing, she smiles and shrugs, and I tell her I'm happy if she is happy, and I honestly mean it.
"It will be for 2 years minimum, then we might come back."
I tell her I hope it is Louisanna, and not Texas.
I move my potatoes to the sink to rinse them with cold water.
"Why? I like Texas better. Louisanna is so humid. And Austin is so beautiful."
I say " Beautiful goes away when the people are shitty. And the people in Texas are shitty."
"When were you ever there?"
"When we went down to help the victims of Katrina. The people are racist as hell. Wouldn't even wait on us in a restaurant after they found out why we were going there. I hate Texas. I never want to go there again."
"I like Texas better."
"I'm sure you will be happy wherever you go."
"Yeah, I will." But she is not convincing.
"Wanna buy our house?" half jokingly.
We talk about the kids, and school, and Tyler (he has always been her favorite), and she is blown away with how grown up he is, and lets me know she disapproves of some of my decisions. I firmly back up my decisions, and she is left with nothing to say.
We talk a little about people we know. She tells me she would feel the same way about the school if they had banished Ricky like they did Tyler. She thinks I should have fought it. I say I just want nothing to do with them any more. We talk a little about Tyler's music and his girlfriend.
We hear voices. The kids and my mom are at the gate. Cheyenne wants her bike to take over and show Lauren (Peggy's little girl who is one month younger).
"I have to go", she smiles and leaves and walks to the gate.
Cheyenne rides her bike to the gate, Lauren watching. My mom and Peggy cooing at how cute she is.
I immediately drink some more wine.
My vegies are still cooking. The potatoes are cooling.
********************************************************************
I haven't talked to Peggy since Christmas. And then it was brief. The last time we really talked was when my dad died.
I miss my dad. The things I miss are so unexpected. The streets we used to drive on. The way he would walk over to my yard. How he always took me to piano lessons. His shoes. His lunchbox. His flannel shirts. The gun shows he went to. Grocery shopping. How he sat at the dinner table.
My dad would be sad if he knew how Peggy and I have turned out. It would hurt him.
I love my sister.
But she will never by my sister.
Cotton Candy and Sticky Molasses
Okay, so all I got done yesterday was the dishes.
So I'm having a good day. Gave the kids a bath, decided to cook tonight since its my last night before working, want to have a family night. Maybe sit by the fire, watch a movie. And so the housework, although I'm much more committed today, is still not the highest priority. I go to Sprouts ( I love Sprouts, it is so therapeutic for me, just shopping there), and then I go and by a mixer cause mine got lost in the move last year. I decide to have mashed potatoes - real ones with real butter and real milk - and vegies, and chicken and mushrooms with an Indian spinach sauce that I haven't tried before. I start cooking now, at noon, so the cooking will be slow and good and it will be ready after the kids are home from school and Royce is home. Maybe we will sit in the gazebo for dinner. I am cooking with love today. I love days like this. I have candles burning in the kitchen, jazz on, and the kitchen is starting to smell good. My doggies are in the backyard worhipping my presence, looking in the window at me. The air is cool. I have a glass of wine.
Its all good.
Then I look out the window and see Peggy's SUV in the driveway of my mom's house.
Suddenly, housework is a greater priority - and so is a second glass of wine. Peggy hasn't changed a whole lot. She will just burst in with no notice. So I lock the back door, to have some warning, but leave the window open.
Maybe I'll have another glass of wine.
Yesterday, my mojo reappeared. It was so refreshing. When I am so sensual that I get lost in music, just because of the music without any other influence, and almost rear-end someone because I'm feeling it so much, and not paying attention to traffic. When the air feels great, life is beautiful, and I actually FEEL the music. Can't explain it any better than that. Very sexy, and sensual, and full of life. And giddy. Giddy without alcohol is an intoxicating thing. Giddy with life. My mojo has been gone for far too long. I miss myself.
On the way home from picking up Royce, we stop in at Bourban Street. Once again it is very apparent that it is the best strip club in the Valley. I, along with the women in Royce's class, agree that he deserves a "free look" once in a while, just for being a nice guy. And I really wanted to go yesterday. After all, it was Fat Tuesday. A girl needs a drink and naked boobies on Fat Tuesday ( I guess maybe the guys do too, come to think of it). The women there are just all kinds of hot. Royce had a really good time. The drinks are always good, and the women are beautiful. And I got beads. I didn't earn them, however, but I was prepared to. I stole them. They were decorating a candle, and I just had to have them. They are hanging in our bedroom.
Claudia - a cross between Liv Tyler's and Fergie's face, long dark wavy hair to her ass, and the body of venus. Not one of these skinny girls. Perfect in every way. Cotton Candy, sticky molasses, cool rain on a hot day, wine and chocolate, and a sinful inferno all in the female form. I wanna look like her. I wanna be her.
Mojo slowly eased into fatigue. But we still had a good night. It was long coming. I miss myself. It was nice to see me again.
Better start cleaning.
Oh yeah, and that glass of wine.
So I'm having a good day. Gave the kids a bath, decided to cook tonight since its my last night before working, want to have a family night. Maybe sit by the fire, watch a movie. And so the housework, although I'm much more committed today, is still not the highest priority. I go to Sprouts ( I love Sprouts, it is so therapeutic for me, just shopping there), and then I go and by a mixer cause mine got lost in the move last year. I decide to have mashed potatoes - real ones with real butter and real milk - and vegies, and chicken and mushrooms with an Indian spinach sauce that I haven't tried before. I start cooking now, at noon, so the cooking will be slow and good and it will be ready after the kids are home from school and Royce is home. Maybe we will sit in the gazebo for dinner. I am cooking with love today. I love days like this. I have candles burning in the kitchen, jazz on, and the kitchen is starting to smell good. My doggies are in the backyard worhipping my presence, looking in the window at me. The air is cool. I have a glass of wine.
Its all good.
Then I look out the window and see Peggy's SUV in the driveway of my mom's house.
Suddenly, housework is a greater priority - and so is a second glass of wine. Peggy hasn't changed a whole lot. She will just burst in with no notice. So I lock the back door, to have some warning, but leave the window open.
Maybe I'll have another glass of wine.
Yesterday, my mojo reappeared. It was so refreshing. When I am so sensual that I get lost in music, just because of the music without any other influence, and almost rear-end someone because I'm feeling it so much, and not paying attention to traffic. When the air feels great, life is beautiful, and I actually FEEL the music. Can't explain it any better than that. Very sexy, and sensual, and full of life. And giddy. Giddy without alcohol is an intoxicating thing. Giddy with life. My mojo has been gone for far too long. I miss myself.
On the way home from picking up Royce, we stop in at Bourban Street. Once again it is very apparent that it is the best strip club in the Valley. I, along with the women in Royce's class, agree that he deserves a "free look" once in a while, just for being a nice guy. And I really wanted to go yesterday. After all, it was Fat Tuesday. A girl needs a drink and naked boobies on Fat Tuesday ( I guess maybe the guys do too, come to think of it). The women there are just all kinds of hot. Royce had a really good time. The drinks are always good, and the women are beautiful. And I got beads. I didn't earn them, however, but I was prepared to. I stole them. They were decorating a candle, and I just had to have them. They are hanging in our bedroom.
Claudia - a cross between Liv Tyler's and Fergie's face, long dark wavy hair to her ass, and the body of venus. Not one of these skinny girls. Perfect in every way. Cotton Candy, sticky molasses, cool rain on a hot day, wine and chocolate, and a sinful inferno all in the female form. I wanna look like her. I wanna be her.
Mojo slowly eased into fatigue. But we still had a good night. It was long coming. I miss myself. It was nice to see me again.
Better start cleaning.
Oh yeah, and that glass of wine.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
OMG
My god, where did all this housework come from!!!!!??????
(whatcha think of Britney's new look? Pretty sexy huh? I think she's lost her mind along with her hair)
Holy mother of Mary we have alot of laundry.
(whatcha think of Britney's new look? Pretty sexy huh? I think she's lost her mind along with her hair)
Holy mother of Mary we have alot of laundry.
Drawing Down the Moon
So I decided to enjoy my children today. After I took the big kids their lunches I thought, why don't we go feed the ducks? So I took Ryan and Cheyenne to feed the ducks at Papago Park. We went right to the place where Royce and I got married. We fed all kinds of ducks, even Geese, and just looked at things. We even found a duck egg. One that was rejected and left, don't worry. Its neat though. Brought it home to show Syd. The kids just ran, and looked at the water falls and the ducks, and we even saw a crane. Its delicious to hear kids squeal. Like when they run into a flock of birds and make them fly. Ryan had to climb a pile of rocks and had to pick up mud and fling it. And of course he had to step in mud, and step in the water. He is all boy. Just watching them throw leaves and sticks into the water and watch it flow downstream. It really was delicious. So much better than housework.
Nikki, I got home and found your package in the mail. I love it. I put it on right away. I can't believe it, cause someone at work, someone I don't even know, gave me a book bag with that same symbol on it. I wrote about it a long time ago. It was weird, cause she is a friend of Heather's, I spoke to her only one time. But she felt she needed to give me this bag and a chakra charm, and she gave them to Heather to give to me. I carry all my books in it. I didn't know what the symbol meant. But I loved it. And now you have sent me the same thing. Its around my neck right now. I had a hard time reading your card. I started tearing up. I love you. I'm even keeping the little piece of paper that it came on.
Thank you so much. Miles mean nothing to us. Nothing. They never will.
Nikki, I got home and found your package in the mail. I love it. I put it on right away. I can't believe it, cause someone at work, someone I don't even know, gave me a book bag with that same symbol on it. I wrote about it a long time ago. It was weird, cause she is a friend of Heather's, I spoke to her only one time. But she felt she needed to give me this bag and a chakra charm, and she gave them to Heather to give to me. I carry all my books in it. I didn't know what the symbol meant. But I loved it. And now you have sent me the same thing. Its around my neck right now. I had a hard time reading your card. I started tearing up. I love you. I'm even keeping the little piece of paper that it came on.
Thank you so much. Miles mean nothing to us. Nothing. They never will.
Drawing Down The Moon
A good day
I am not a morning person. But there is just something about the world at daybreak that gets me. Its almost worth crawling out of bed for. On Royce's two early days I have to leave the house at about 6:15, and I get to see it.
The two little ones are in the room watching Disney. Norah Jones is on the radio. The day is starting out very right. But I am very stressed today. It seems to be a regular mood for me lately. Uncorked the bottle of 7 Deadly Zins that we opened last night and am sipping on it - yes already. Every room in the house needs cleaned. I've decided to start with the kitchen and work my way to the bedrooms. The fire pit is still smoking from last night. It rained all day yesterday and seems like it might today too.
I'm not used to staying home so much. I think thats part of it. Being housewife mommy. I love it. But not used to it. I have 5 more weeks to enjoy it.
I bought the gazebo for the backyard. And we put it up yesterday. I kind of bought it for the party, but we have been wanting one for a long time. So I just bought it. It is so cool. The kids love it. Played in it all day. This is what it looks like:
The two little ones are in the room watching Disney. Norah Jones is on the radio. The day is starting out very right. But I am very stressed today. It seems to be a regular mood for me lately. Uncorked the bottle of 7 Deadly Zins that we opened last night and am sipping on it - yes already. Every room in the house needs cleaned. I've decided to start with the kitchen and work my way to the bedrooms. The fire pit is still smoking from last night. It rained all day yesterday and seems like it might today too.
I'm not used to staying home so much. I think thats part of it. Being housewife mommy. I love it. But not used to it. I have 5 more weeks to enjoy it.
I bought the gazebo for the backyard. And we put it up yesterday. I kind of bought it for the party, but we have been wanting one for a long time. So I just bought it. It is so cool. The kids love it. Played in it all day. This is what it looks like:
It will be so nice to sit out there that night with my friends. I'm having fun planning the party. For those of you that are coming, it will be a really fun night. I just hope Heather M. (not you Heather W), doesn't go into labor before then.
I'm not at a good place right now. I quit taking all my herbs. Not sure why. But it is reeking havoc with me. I am going to start taking them today.
My last night at work, Saturday night, sucked. Maybe that has something to do with it. I get to work, look at the board to find my assignment and see that its a fetal demise, full term, and ready to deliver. Nice. My favorite. I hate demises. They just do something to me. And full term is the worst. I always see my own babies. And its hard to look the mom in the eye. Its hard to hear her cry. And there is nothing worse than laboring for days just to deliver a dead baby, except the delivery itself. The actual graphic details that most people find so disgusting about a regular birth, is a 1000 times worse with a baby thats dead. The longer its been dead the worse it is. This one hadn't been dead very long. It didn't look so bad. And after looking at it, there was no apparent reason why it died. No cord around the neck, nothing wrong with the placenta. Just a perfect lifeless baby. That had moved 2 days ago. So we have to clean it up, get its little foot prints, dress it, and take pictures and make a memory book for mommy. Its all she will ever have of this baby. I always get them a beanie baby from NICU to take picures with, and that she can take home. Something to keep that had been next to her baby. The pictures turned out really good. like it was sleeping. I held his little hands, and stroked his little face and told him how very sorry I was. I know he can't hear me, but the longer I do this, the more I find it necessary to pause a minute, not be so clinical, and just appreciate the little life that it could have been. Mom asked for the baby to be taken away, to the morgue after a while, cause it started looking bad. But they wanted it brought back the next day for their 6 year old to see. They wanted to know if this was ok. I was at a loss, who am I to say. I said it was totally up to them. Yes, we would bring him back. All during labor and afterward I had to make sure the door was closed, and the door to the patients room next door was closed, because the patient next door delivered a perfect loud screaming baby. And the delivery wasn't quiet either. Demises still make me cry. They probably always will. The only thing that makes me able to do it is I figure the mom really needs help at this point. I would want help.
He looked like my babies.
Sometimes I think I'm in the wrong profession. But then I think maybe its the exact profession should be in. Its very sad, but it feels good to help someone. And I am very good at my job. I am lucky in another way too. Not very often is the normal person faced with such horrible things, most people don't have to see the evil that is out there, and seeing it helps you to put things in perspective. It accurately minimizes my problems, and leaves me unable to do anything other than appreciate everything that I have. I am so blessed.
I need to remind myself of this daily. To not sweat the small stuff. To love and be loved, and not worry about the stupid stuff. Like housework.
I get to hug my babies today. Its a good day.
This story is amazing.http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17237979/
24 weeks ( about 5 1/2 months ) is considered viable, and this baby was born at 21 and 6 weeks. Amazing.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Sinners and Salvia
I feel like shit today. 3 hours sleep last night, had to get up at 5:30, I have this nasty cold, I think I'm fevered, the kids are all home sick today, my nose won't quit running, i'm ovulating so my boobs feel like giant wet pendulous sandbags, my uterus is so swollen it hurts when I inhale, my back hurts like in early labor, and my old c-section incision aches. Plus cramps. I'm just a mess today. So I took 1000 of tylenol, pseudophed, had some chicken noodle soup, and I'm sipping on red wine. Its rainy and cloudy here today, the perfect day to just lay in bed and watch movies and eat chocolate. And more wine of course. But, I don't think that will happen.
I quit taking my vitex. I'm really having a problem. The vitex really works. It evened my mood, and took away like every negative female symptom I was having. No cramps, no pain at my incision, no pain through the month like I always had, usually on a daily basis. And I always have very bad intestinal upsets when I ovulate and right before I bleed. Basically twice a month, every two weeks I was getting really sick and it was totally interfering with my quality of life. I thought I had fixed it. But the one thing it also does is kill my sex drive. I become this asexual, blah, totally turned off person. This sensual zombie. It was seriously affecting me and Royce. I didn't even want to be touched. Pushed him away. So I quit taking it. I made the decision to suffer physical rather than emotional symptoms. I definately feel more like myself, but I'm so sick now. I refuse to take antidepressants, and that seems to be the doctors only remedy, or a hysterectomy. Forget it. I'll deal. And all this on top of a cold, it really sucks.
Now that we are going to have insurance, maybe I will go to an obgyn and see if something is wrong. Maybe its just life, and I should quit bitching. I would welcome any and all suggestions. From anyone.
Interesting conversation last night. My brother in law decided to stop by. Royce's brother. I recently was told that John, after long years of sowing wild oats, and I do mean wild - drugs, sex, fights, more drugs, lots of drinking, more sex, among other things - he has decided to start studying the bible again with the Jehovah's Witnesses, the church he grew up in. The conversation started because I saw his MySpace profile. You can see it here:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=113430368.
You can read it for yourself, cussing, bragging about his penis, yadda yadda yadda. Thats all good. Whatever. The part that got me was the agnostic part. Now I know why I don't believe, and I'm always curious to find out why people do believe. And much more curious why you would publickly state you don't believe in god, yet currently be studying with the JWs. John says he's an open book. So I ask. I ask a few questions. Like, why is it ok to push your beliefs down other people's throats, and why would you be a part of a religion that teaches you to do this. And, why is it ok to "banish" someone for a year, not be able to talk to them for a year, after they have repented and asked for forgiveness. Isn't forgiveness instant when you ask for it? It was in my bible. And how can another human decide whether or not you can be a part of god's family? How can anyone but god kick you out? And if you believe the whole bible, and this is what makes you the "true" church, how can you just ignore the Sabbath commandment, a direct command from god? Once again I got bullshit answers, nothing intelligent, answers like Jesus pushed his opinions on people, especially the pharisees, and we are following his example. Oh and, people are only banished for the really bad sins, and when they weren't banished they went out and sinned more. I didn't get an answer about humans passing eternal judgement. And the Sabbath answer is that the law changed when Jesus died, and some bullshit about the gregorian calendar, and how our workweek is actually a day later now, and that makes it right. OH MY FUCKING GOD. A couple of times I just had to laugh. And then Royce and John really got into it. Everytime I didn't except an answer, or had more questions, John got madder and madder, and eventually ended up insulting, and cussing, motherfucker that and motherfucker this. OMG.
But the best part is yet to come. Brace yourself. At the end of everthing, John comes in with a pipe and lighter and we smoke up together. This is just a beautiful ending to my spiritual conversation. Why the bible is right. I'm laughing right now. Oh, and John was drunk for the whole conversation. Its a beautiful thing. "Now that I've made my point about god, and defended the true church, I think I'll smoke up. Want some?"
He had some weird shit though. It wasn't pot. Its this stuff called salvia divinorum http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvia_divinorum. Its completely legal to buy it, grow it and smoke it. It is a mild halucinogen, and is a strong little high. Fast and fleeting, but powerful. Its kinda cool. Colors, tactile sensations, lots of heat, its really weird. Like really strong synthetic weed with good shrooms. Weird. And two good hits do it. And it only lasts like 20 minutes. And let me tell you, a very powerful aphrodisiac. Oh my god the mind blowing sex we had. It should be called blow job weed. The penis worship that went on.
In fact, I think Jehovah is probably smoking some himself right now.
Once again, like always, any philosophical discussion with a christian so totally reinforces why I don't believe. Why I want as far away from them as possible.
Gonna go lay down. Will listen to Tyler play the piano today. I will write about that next. Tyler is very good. I will have to write in detail. And not just cause he is my son. There is something there. Even more than I had. I'm a little stunned. And very proud.
I love my kids. So much. All of them. I am so lucky. And I get the whole "sick" day with them. For all of you that don't have kids, I know you have full lives. But I am so lucky. I just have to express it a little. Gonna go lay by Shi Shi. I love baby breath.
I quit taking my vitex. I'm really having a problem. The vitex really works. It evened my mood, and took away like every negative female symptom I was having. No cramps, no pain at my incision, no pain through the month like I always had, usually on a daily basis. And I always have very bad intestinal upsets when I ovulate and right before I bleed. Basically twice a month, every two weeks I was getting really sick and it was totally interfering with my quality of life. I thought I had fixed it. But the one thing it also does is kill my sex drive. I become this asexual, blah, totally turned off person. This sensual zombie. It was seriously affecting me and Royce. I didn't even want to be touched. Pushed him away. So I quit taking it. I made the decision to suffer physical rather than emotional symptoms. I definately feel more like myself, but I'm so sick now. I refuse to take antidepressants, and that seems to be the doctors only remedy, or a hysterectomy. Forget it. I'll deal. And all this on top of a cold, it really sucks.
Now that we are going to have insurance, maybe I will go to an obgyn and see if something is wrong. Maybe its just life, and I should quit bitching. I would welcome any and all suggestions. From anyone.
Interesting conversation last night. My brother in law decided to stop by. Royce's brother. I recently was told that John, after long years of sowing wild oats, and I do mean wild - drugs, sex, fights, more drugs, lots of drinking, more sex, among other things - he has decided to start studying the bible again with the Jehovah's Witnesses, the church he grew up in. The conversation started because I saw his MySpace profile. You can see it here:
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=113430368.
You can read it for yourself, cussing, bragging about his penis, yadda yadda yadda. Thats all good. Whatever. The part that got me was the agnostic part. Now I know why I don't believe, and I'm always curious to find out why people do believe. And much more curious why you would publickly state you don't believe in god, yet currently be studying with the JWs. John says he's an open book. So I ask. I ask a few questions. Like, why is it ok to push your beliefs down other people's throats, and why would you be a part of a religion that teaches you to do this. And, why is it ok to "banish" someone for a year, not be able to talk to them for a year, after they have repented and asked for forgiveness. Isn't forgiveness instant when you ask for it? It was in my bible. And how can another human decide whether or not you can be a part of god's family? How can anyone but god kick you out? And if you believe the whole bible, and this is what makes you the "true" church, how can you just ignore the Sabbath commandment, a direct command from god? Once again I got bullshit answers, nothing intelligent, answers like Jesus pushed his opinions on people, especially the pharisees, and we are following his example. Oh and, people are only banished for the really bad sins, and when they weren't banished they went out and sinned more. I didn't get an answer about humans passing eternal judgement. And the Sabbath answer is that the law changed when Jesus died, and some bullshit about the gregorian calendar, and how our workweek is actually a day later now, and that makes it right. OH MY FUCKING GOD. A couple of times I just had to laugh. And then Royce and John really got into it. Everytime I didn't except an answer, or had more questions, John got madder and madder, and eventually ended up insulting, and cussing, motherfucker that and motherfucker this. OMG.
But the best part is yet to come. Brace yourself. At the end of everthing, John comes in with a pipe and lighter and we smoke up together. This is just a beautiful ending to my spiritual conversation. Why the bible is right. I'm laughing right now. Oh, and John was drunk for the whole conversation. Its a beautiful thing. "Now that I've made my point about god, and defended the true church, I think I'll smoke up. Want some?"
He had some weird shit though. It wasn't pot. Its this stuff called salvia divinorum http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salvia_divinorum. Its completely legal to buy it, grow it and smoke it. It is a mild halucinogen, and is a strong little high. Fast and fleeting, but powerful. Its kinda cool. Colors, tactile sensations, lots of heat, its really weird. Like really strong synthetic weed with good shrooms. Weird. And two good hits do it. And it only lasts like 20 minutes. And let me tell you, a very powerful aphrodisiac. Oh my god the mind blowing sex we had. It should be called blow job weed. The penis worship that went on.
In fact, I think Jehovah is probably smoking some himself right now.
Once again, like always, any philosophical discussion with a christian so totally reinforces why I don't believe. Why I want as far away from them as possible.
Gonna go lay down. Will listen to Tyler play the piano today. I will write about that next. Tyler is very good. I will have to write in detail. And not just cause he is my son. There is something there. Even more than I had. I'm a little stunned. And very proud.
I love my kids. So much. All of them. I am so lucky. And I get the whole "sick" day with them. For all of you that don't have kids, I know you have full lives. But I am so lucky. I just have to express it a little. Gonna go lay by Shi Shi. I love baby breath.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Too Cool for School
Royce started school today. I just got back from taking him.
I'm very very proud of him and know that he can do this.
Love you Baby. Hope you are having a good first day.
I'm very very proud of him and know that he can do this.
Love you Baby. Hope you are having a good first day.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Shot to hell at the Rail
Okay, so the diet kind of went to hell this morning when Robin and I went out after work to The Brass Rail. Two bloody marys and a turkey club for breakfast. Yum. And I really needed the bloody marys - they were so good. So the calories kind of skyrocketed for yesterday.
Today so far:
Enchiladas and beans - 400
Couple bites of spice cake - 100, if that
500 total so far
Today so far:
Enchiladas and beans - 400
Couple bites of spice cake - 100, if that
500 total so far
Magic Gopher
Can anyone explain this to me? It must have a logical/mathematical explanation (which is probably why I don't get it). It has something to do with multiples of 9.
Anyone, anyone ....................................(in Ben Stein's voice)
http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf
Weird.
Anyone, anyone ....................................(in Ben Stein's voice)
http://www.learnenglish.org.uk/games/magic-gopher-central.swf
Weird.
Friday, February 09, 2007
Still 175 today.
Calories so far today:
220 sandwich
600 fish and vegies
Thursday (yesterday):
220 sandwich
135 raw vegies and dsg
-----------------------------
355 total
Wednesday:
------------------
0 calories, didn't eat
Calories so far today:
220 sandwich
600 fish and vegies
Thursday (yesterday):
220 sandwich
135 raw vegies and dsg
-----------------------------
355 total
Wednesday:
------------------
0 calories, didn't eat
"The Kiss"
I love this.
He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
She is pregnant.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, just as the photographer snapped this photograph.
He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
She is pregnant.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed her in the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, just as the photographer snapped this photograph.
And people say animals are stupid.
P.S.
Need to add a p.s.
Cathy, I have one question. The bible is very black and white, very condemning and outspoken about your life style. How can you NOT be confused by a set of beliefs, christianity, when it is very condemning of lesbians and homosexuals. It is considered one of the worst "sins" in the bible. It is why Sodom and Gomorroh were destroyed. It plainly states those who "choose" homosexuality will go to hell. How can you defend a set of beliefs that condemn you for who you choose to love and be with? And if you believe it, how can you choose what you choose? How can you "pick" the parts of christianity that fit your life, and discard the rest? Just a question.
I find the bible extremely inconsistant. This is the logical reason I don't believe it.
I believe Jesus's words in the Sermon on the Mount are beautiful. But I believe that you love who you love. Plain and simple. If it happens to be a man, then its a man. If its a woman, then that is that. I believe that we love someone's heart, not their genitals (although I do love them .....ahhhhhhhhhh). And that life is way too short to worry about who someone else is loving.
Do you ever have moments of irony? The more I am open to energy, the more I think its not irony. Just energy. We had to crash c-section my patient last night. She was abrupting - her placenta was detatching from the uterus, and they thought her uterus was also rupturing (when it just kind of splits open and the baby floats into the abdomen - not good). Her baby was 26 weeks along, 2 weeks past livable, about 2 pounds, about 5 1/2 months along. We were forced to cut out her baby at a time when it doesn't have much of a chance, might not live, and if it does it probably will have physical and or mental deficits. All this because mom decided to smoke some meth. We are back in the OR, getting the patient ready, and "Comfortably Numb" comes on the radio (yes they really do play music in the OR). It was so weird. I just looked at her, disgusted, and wanted to go there - to that comfortably numb place.
I always feel like I should be sympathetic to my patients. That its my job to make them feel good, to make them feel better. To not make them feel worse than they already do. To like them. But you know what? She wasn't my only patient. There is a tiny 26 week baby that she has completely harmed, maybe fatally, that was my patient too. If someone came in the room and hit the mom, I would call security and press charges. And I wouldn't be nice, or try to make the attacker "feel" better. I decided I didn't like her. I told her this was happening and that her baby would be really sick because she smoked meth. Fuck sympathy.
Poor baby.
Cathy, I have one question. The bible is very black and white, very condemning and outspoken about your life style. How can you NOT be confused by a set of beliefs, christianity, when it is very condemning of lesbians and homosexuals. It is considered one of the worst "sins" in the bible. It is why Sodom and Gomorroh were destroyed. It plainly states those who "choose" homosexuality will go to hell. How can you defend a set of beliefs that condemn you for who you choose to love and be with? And if you believe it, how can you choose what you choose? How can you "pick" the parts of christianity that fit your life, and discard the rest? Just a question.
I find the bible extremely inconsistant. This is the logical reason I don't believe it.
I believe Jesus's words in the Sermon on the Mount are beautiful. But I believe that you love who you love. Plain and simple. If it happens to be a man, then its a man. If its a woman, then that is that. I believe that we love someone's heart, not their genitals (although I do love them .....ahhhhhhhhhh). And that life is way too short to worry about who someone else is loving.
Do you ever have moments of irony? The more I am open to energy, the more I think its not irony. Just energy. We had to crash c-section my patient last night. She was abrupting - her placenta was detatching from the uterus, and they thought her uterus was also rupturing (when it just kind of splits open and the baby floats into the abdomen - not good). Her baby was 26 weeks along, 2 weeks past livable, about 2 pounds, about 5 1/2 months along. We were forced to cut out her baby at a time when it doesn't have much of a chance, might not live, and if it does it probably will have physical and or mental deficits. All this because mom decided to smoke some meth. We are back in the OR, getting the patient ready, and "Comfortably Numb" comes on the radio (yes they really do play music in the OR). It was so weird. I just looked at her, disgusted, and wanted to go there - to that comfortably numb place.
I always feel like I should be sympathetic to my patients. That its my job to make them feel good, to make them feel better. To not make them feel worse than they already do. To like them. But you know what? She wasn't my only patient. There is a tiny 26 week baby that she has completely harmed, maybe fatally, that was my patient too. If someone came in the room and hit the mom, I would call security and press charges. And I wouldn't be nice, or try to make the attacker "feel" better. I decided I didn't like her. I told her this was happening and that her baby would be really sick because she smoked meth. Fuck sympathy.
Poor baby.
Pushed Buttons
Its good to hear from you Cathy. Its been awhile. I hope you are well. I would love to see you.
You always have the special ability of pushing my buttons. I feel like I need to say a few things.
First, I mentioned the word "confused". I am confused at times, about things. But not about christianity. Not confused about that at all. It has been completely abandoned, and there are no questions left. I have my answers as far as that is concerned. Once again, I feel like one of my friends is looking at me like "come on Barb, you know you still believe, you are just upset", and they feel this way because it is hard for THEM to accept the fact that I don't believe anymore. You can accept the fact that I don't believe, or you can hold on to the idea that I still believe. Whatever you or anyone else chooses to believe about me doesn't change reality. I DO NOT BELIEVE. I'm sorry everyone has such a hard time with this.
Second, I am not jealous of the Eddlemons, of Clarks, or any family for that matter. You haven't been to the school since gradeschool. I had children there for years. I am not jealous, I am angry that a little girl was treated so badly. And that it happens over and over and is based on money and status. It is the unfairness and unkindness that evokes the reaction, not jealousy. I don't want anything they have. And I don't believe in heaven anymore, whether I have money or not to take there.
Sorry guys, still like Effedra. Its working well, and I'll just accept it as a challenge that I can do what I intend to do with its help. Effedra is still my friend. What is Lexapro? I have no idea what that is. What does it do?
Royce is not always a saint - but I love him immeasurably, unconditionally, and completely.
That is horrible about Jen's finger, I am so sorry. And your hand too. Was it your dog that did it? I can just see you bitch slapping that dog. Makes me smile.
Yes, its nice to think about our dads together. But I don't think they are. I believe my dad is gone forever. He is in the cold hard ground. And thats the only place he is. He is the way I saw him in the casket, only decomposing. Slowly. In his best church jacket and church pants, and the tie my mom picked out. He is laying there, 6 feet under, with his arms across his chest, and that grossly distorted smile that the funeral director permanently molded his face into. That smile that I will see till the day I die. The last time I saw my dad, it wasn't even him. He didn't look like that in real life. His hands are as cold and stiff as the last time I touched them. And my lipstick print is still on his forehead. I like to think it will stay there forever. I would never tell you how to believe when it comes to your father, but this is how I feel about mine. It would be nice to think there is the fairytale place that my dad is in right now, or on some cloud with a harp, or sitting up asleep on the couch with your dad. Its easy to believe this way. It is the easy way. But I don't think it exists. Its like Santa and the north pole. Please believe me, I would love to believe he is ok and in a beautiful place. But I don't.
Your dad asked you to nurture your spiritual gifts. This is what your dad asked of you.
My dad always asked me for honesty.
I am nurturing many many things.
Another night shift in.
Yesterday I was 175.
Namaste
You always have the special ability of pushing my buttons. I feel like I need to say a few things.
First, I mentioned the word "confused". I am confused at times, about things. But not about christianity. Not confused about that at all. It has been completely abandoned, and there are no questions left. I have my answers as far as that is concerned. Once again, I feel like one of my friends is looking at me like "come on Barb, you know you still believe, you are just upset", and they feel this way because it is hard for THEM to accept the fact that I don't believe anymore. You can accept the fact that I don't believe, or you can hold on to the idea that I still believe. Whatever you or anyone else chooses to believe about me doesn't change reality. I DO NOT BELIEVE. I'm sorry everyone has such a hard time with this.
Second, I am not jealous of the Eddlemons, of Clarks, or any family for that matter. You haven't been to the school since gradeschool. I had children there for years. I am not jealous, I am angry that a little girl was treated so badly. And that it happens over and over and is based on money and status. It is the unfairness and unkindness that evokes the reaction, not jealousy. I don't want anything they have. And I don't believe in heaven anymore, whether I have money or not to take there.
Sorry guys, still like Effedra. Its working well, and I'll just accept it as a challenge that I can do what I intend to do with its help. Effedra is still my friend. What is Lexapro? I have no idea what that is. What does it do?
Royce is not always a saint - but I love him immeasurably, unconditionally, and completely.
That is horrible about Jen's finger, I am so sorry. And your hand too. Was it your dog that did it? I can just see you bitch slapping that dog. Makes me smile.
Yes, its nice to think about our dads together. But I don't think they are. I believe my dad is gone forever. He is in the cold hard ground. And thats the only place he is. He is the way I saw him in the casket, only decomposing. Slowly. In his best church jacket and church pants, and the tie my mom picked out. He is laying there, 6 feet under, with his arms across his chest, and that grossly distorted smile that the funeral director permanently molded his face into. That smile that I will see till the day I die. The last time I saw my dad, it wasn't even him. He didn't look like that in real life. His hands are as cold and stiff as the last time I touched them. And my lipstick print is still on his forehead. I like to think it will stay there forever. I would never tell you how to believe when it comes to your father, but this is how I feel about mine. It would be nice to think there is the fairytale place that my dad is in right now, or on some cloud with a harp, or sitting up asleep on the couch with your dad. Its easy to believe this way. It is the easy way. But I don't think it exists. Its like Santa and the north pole. Please believe me, I would love to believe he is ok and in a beautiful place. But I don't.
Your dad asked you to nurture your spiritual gifts. This is what your dad asked of you.
My dad always asked me for honesty.
I am nurturing many many things.
Another night shift in.
Yesterday I was 175.
Namaste
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Broken
I'm supposed to be sleeping right now. I have to work tonight. But I can't sleep. Only got like 3 hours sleep last night.
I'm going to be taking a staff position in Labor and Delivery, supposedly to start on Sunday. I will be working every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. This will work with Royce's schedule of Monday thru Thursday. And hopefully an 8 hour shift sometime during most weeks. I'm kind of excited, cause I will be home more. But the money will be less. But we will finally have medical insurance. We need it so badly.
Royce and I have had a bad couple of days. We don't always get along, even though it may seem that way. This is normal I guess. Its hard for me to know what normal is.
I'm having alot of weight issues. Internally. I guess I have more of them than I think I do. Maybe we all do. I know I'm going to get backlash for this, but I feel like not eating again. Or very minimally. Its really weird, but its kind of a way of coping with things. Its something I have control over. I remember when I was in high school and I used to throw everything up that I indulged in. I did that for years. I remember William getting really mad at me. I just shouldn't have told him. Did it in my 20's a little too. It actually started to become a release. I started doing it in response to stress, not only in response to food intake. It felt good. I know that sounds sick, but it did. Right now, I'm back where I was in high school, mentally. Physically I am about 70 pounds heavier than then. And to think I was fat, what was I thinking? All 110 pounds of me. I'm having all the same feelings about food and eating and my body that I used to. And I'm taking effedra again. I know, its supposedly bad for me, but it is what is working right now. I know it supposedly raises my blood pressure, but so does being 200 pounds. Effedra is my friend. And it didn't help anything that the old lady in the dog food aisle today thought I was pregnant. Thats always fun. I saw this great commercial last night. A woman, mid 30s, is sitting in a waiting room somewhere. I girl, mid 20's, sits next to her. The 30 something recognizes the 20 something as herself 10 years ago. Her hair is frazzled, her belly is big, her thighs are big, and she kinda looks a mess. She looks at her beautiful 20 something body and listens to herself at 20 something talk about how fat she is. Its a commercial for "getting your body back." (At the end, the 20 something asks her if "we get married?" 30 something looks tired and just kind of rolls her eyes and tries to smile, its cute.) This commercial hit me so hard. Its like I was sitting there. I'm 179 today.
I'm finding more and more that its so hard to fix the outside if the inside is broken. I feel broken. I feel angry, and sad, and confused, and lonely, and misunderstood, and judged, and searching,.........and broken. Today I feel this way. I better start taking my St. John's wort more faithfully. It seems to be the only thing that works for me. I feel broken.
I saw a little man in the grocery store today. He reminded me so much of my dad. I'm almost sure he had Parkinson's. He had the same mannerisms, and facial expressions, and it seemed he had a little confusion and maybe some tremors. Not bad, but I recognized it. It seemed so much like my dad standing there at the checkout counter, trying to buy groceries. They even wore the same kind of clothes. I just kept looking at him. I wanted to give him a hug. To walk him out to his car. To go home with him. To tell him how much I miss him. It was nice to see my dad again, outside my dreams, even if it is only through a glimpse of someone else.
One thing I have always indulged myself in is a bath. I have never liked showers. I always take a bath. No matter how busy I am, or how soon I have to get somewhere. Sometimes it is where I try to meditate. The warm water just feels so good. Today I had the pleasure of taking my bath with my baby girl. It was such simple fun. The weather is so nice now I opened the window in the bathroom.
I'm loving my little dog too. Today I brushed him all over. He hated it. But he was so soft afterward. I really love this little dog. Took him for a walk last night. Another thing I am finding is that dogs are one of the good things in life. I never knew this before.
Right in the middle of writing this, Jenn signed on to messenger. I so needed to "hear" a friends voice. Thanks for the chat Jenn. Energy is so weird. You made me laugh. I needed that. Can't wait till your back at work.
I love you Royce.
Off to work.
I'm going to be taking a staff position in Labor and Delivery, supposedly to start on Sunday. I will be working every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. This will work with Royce's schedule of Monday thru Thursday. And hopefully an 8 hour shift sometime during most weeks. I'm kind of excited, cause I will be home more. But the money will be less. But we will finally have medical insurance. We need it so badly.
Royce and I have had a bad couple of days. We don't always get along, even though it may seem that way. This is normal I guess. Its hard for me to know what normal is.
I'm having alot of weight issues. Internally. I guess I have more of them than I think I do. Maybe we all do. I know I'm going to get backlash for this, but I feel like not eating again. Or very minimally. Its really weird, but its kind of a way of coping with things. Its something I have control over. I remember when I was in high school and I used to throw everything up that I indulged in. I did that for years. I remember William getting really mad at me. I just shouldn't have told him. Did it in my 20's a little too. It actually started to become a release. I started doing it in response to stress, not only in response to food intake. It felt good. I know that sounds sick, but it did. Right now, I'm back where I was in high school, mentally. Physically I am about 70 pounds heavier than then. And to think I was fat, what was I thinking? All 110 pounds of me. I'm having all the same feelings about food and eating and my body that I used to. And I'm taking effedra again. I know, its supposedly bad for me, but it is what is working right now. I know it supposedly raises my blood pressure, but so does being 200 pounds. Effedra is my friend. And it didn't help anything that the old lady in the dog food aisle today thought I was pregnant. Thats always fun. I saw this great commercial last night. A woman, mid 30s, is sitting in a waiting room somewhere. I girl, mid 20's, sits next to her. The 30 something recognizes the 20 something as herself 10 years ago. Her hair is frazzled, her belly is big, her thighs are big, and she kinda looks a mess. She looks at her beautiful 20 something body and listens to herself at 20 something talk about how fat she is. Its a commercial for "getting your body back." (At the end, the 20 something asks her if "we get married?" 30 something looks tired and just kind of rolls her eyes and tries to smile, its cute.) This commercial hit me so hard. Its like I was sitting there. I'm 179 today.
I'm finding more and more that its so hard to fix the outside if the inside is broken. I feel broken. I feel angry, and sad, and confused, and lonely, and misunderstood, and judged, and searching,.........and broken. Today I feel this way. I better start taking my St. John's wort more faithfully. It seems to be the only thing that works for me. I feel broken.
I saw a little man in the grocery store today. He reminded me so much of my dad. I'm almost sure he had Parkinson's. He had the same mannerisms, and facial expressions, and it seemed he had a little confusion and maybe some tremors. Not bad, but I recognized it. It seemed so much like my dad standing there at the checkout counter, trying to buy groceries. They even wore the same kind of clothes. I just kept looking at him. I wanted to give him a hug. To walk him out to his car. To go home with him. To tell him how much I miss him. It was nice to see my dad again, outside my dreams, even if it is only through a glimpse of someone else.
One thing I have always indulged myself in is a bath. I have never liked showers. I always take a bath. No matter how busy I am, or how soon I have to get somewhere. Sometimes it is where I try to meditate. The warm water just feels so good. Today I had the pleasure of taking my bath with my baby girl. It was such simple fun. The weather is so nice now I opened the window in the bathroom.
I'm loving my little dog too. Today I brushed him all over. He hated it. But he was so soft afterward. I really love this little dog. Took him for a walk last night. Another thing I am finding is that dogs are one of the good things in life. I never knew this before.
Right in the middle of writing this, Jenn signed on to messenger. I so needed to "hear" a friends voice. Thanks for the chat Jenn. Energy is so weird. You made me laugh. I needed that. Can't wait till your back at work.
I love you Royce.
Off to work.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
The Solution
Nikki - this one's for you....................
New Special Forces Unit To Be Deployed to Iraq :
The Pentagon Announced Today The Formation Of A New 500 Man Elite Fighting Unit Called The United States Redneck Special Forces (usrsf).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee And Texas Boys Will Be Dropped Off Into Iraq And Have Been Given Only The Following Facts About Terrorists:
1. The Season Opened Today.
2. There Is No Limit.
3. They Taste Just Like Chicken.
4. They don't like Beer, Pickups, Country Music Or Jesus
5. They Are Directly Responsible For The Death Of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon Expects The Problem In Iraq To Be Over By Friday. __________________
New Special Forces Unit To Be Deployed to Iraq :
The Pentagon Announced Today The Formation Of A New 500 Man Elite Fighting Unit Called The United States Redneck Special Forces (usrsf).
These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee And Texas Boys Will Be Dropped Off Into Iraq And Have Been Given Only The Following Facts About Terrorists:
1. The Season Opened Today.
2. There Is No Limit.
3. They Taste Just Like Chicken.
4. They don't like Beer, Pickups, Country Music Or Jesus
5. They Are Directly Responsible For The Death Of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon Expects The Problem In Iraq To Be Over By Friday. __________________
Monday, February 05, 2007
Truth
Nikki, it wasn't really written for you, more for Deb, and anyone else who is "christian". I know you Nikki, and know how you feel. It just seemed I got a strong reaction. I remember feeling like that when I "believed". Like it was my christian duty to stand up for jesus. Whatever. I really like you Deb, and didn't mean to offend you. I was just bitching.
There is a certain thought that is occurring to me. I wrote to you about it Nikki. A sort of epiphany to me. Kind of like those 3-d pictures that you have to adjust your eyes to see. Its not quite focused for me yet, but its visible. Even after everything that has happened, and all my new beliefs/experiments, I still can not completely deny the existence of god. But now this, here is the thought......I'm not sure I have to. That maybe the two can coexist in my spirituality, maybe even compliment each other. Who woulda thought? I can not deny something that I have felt present all along. Like god. Even in the worst times. The same way I can not deny the accurate readings of my cards. Truth is truth, without labels, or pre-existing approval or condemnation. Its just truth. And I'm trying to find it. So what ends up being truthful to me is what I will accept. Just not there yet.
I guess that would make me more agnostic instead of athiest. Maybe not even that. If I think there is is a higher power out there, then I'm not agnostic. Ok, lets see. I'm not sure there is a god or higher power, I am open to a higher power, and if it truly is god or a higher power then it is smart enough and good enough to understand where I am coming from and accept me. So I guess that makes me an open agnostic. Wow, a new label. Epiphany. I know I am not christian anymore, I don't accept the bible anymore - too many inconsistancies. Either it is all true or it is not, and no one - not the scholars or the experts or any of the christian leaders can explain the inconsistencies to me, much less agree on them. And telling me when I have a question that they can't answer, to " just have faith, and everything will be ok, god will explain everything in the end, " is not good enough for me. Their actions speak much louder than their faith, and so many actions so much of the time are so mean. So, thats why I don't believe the bible.
Do I think someone or something hears me when I pray? Yes, I kind of do. I just don't know who it is. Maybe its not important to know who.
I got some new books. "Llewellyn's 2007 Wicca Almanac", "The Magical and Ritual Use of Aphrodisiacs", "Llewellyn's Herb Guide 2007", and " Tarot, Plain and Simple". I love the aphrodisiac book. It will be put to good use. Now, to just find the time to read. I want to read "The Time Traveler's Wife" too.
And now............Another episode of "The Girl Next Door":
Nira, Crazy Neighbor's mother (Nira is the old crazy one, 80 years old and really really mean, who lives on the other side of Crazy) decided to walk down the alley, and study my backyard for awhile. Sydney overheard Crazy say to her " we can get the little dog." Later in the day, Crazy and Pedro (the illegal) were working in the backyard, and Sydney and Lyndsey both heard them talking about our little doggies. Something about taking them. They blame us for Animal Control taking their neglected animals away, and they blame us for CPS taking their baby away. So I think they are going to try to do something, maybe try to take one of our little doggies, and god knows what else. I told the kids to keep an eye on things. I really love Max, my new little doggie and I'll be pissed if something happens to him.
Another nightshift done. Almost time to go home.
namaste
There is a certain thought that is occurring to me. I wrote to you about it Nikki. A sort of epiphany to me. Kind of like those 3-d pictures that you have to adjust your eyes to see. Its not quite focused for me yet, but its visible. Even after everything that has happened, and all my new beliefs/experiments, I still can not completely deny the existence of god. But now this, here is the thought......I'm not sure I have to. That maybe the two can coexist in my spirituality, maybe even compliment each other. Who woulda thought? I can not deny something that I have felt present all along. Like god. Even in the worst times. The same way I can not deny the accurate readings of my cards. Truth is truth, without labels, or pre-existing approval or condemnation. Its just truth. And I'm trying to find it. So what ends up being truthful to me is what I will accept. Just not there yet.
I guess that would make me more agnostic instead of athiest. Maybe not even that. If I think there is is a higher power out there, then I'm not agnostic. Ok, lets see. I'm not sure there is a god or higher power, I am open to a higher power, and if it truly is god or a higher power then it is smart enough and good enough to understand where I am coming from and accept me. So I guess that makes me an open agnostic. Wow, a new label. Epiphany. I know I am not christian anymore, I don't accept the bible anymore - too many inconsistancies. Either it is all true or it is not, and no one - not the scholars or the experts or any of the christian leaders can explain the inconsistencies to me, much less agree on them. And telling me when I have a question that they can't answer, to " just have faith, and everything will be ok, god will explain everything in the end, " is not good enough for me. Their actions speak much louder than their faith, and so many actions so much of the time are so mean. So, thats why I don't believe the bible.
Do I think someone or something hears me when I pray? Yes, I kind of do. I just don't know who it is. Maybe its not important to know who.
I got some new books. "Llewellyn's 2007 Wicca Almanac", "The Magical and Ritual Use of Aphrodisiacs", "Llewellyn's Herb Guide 2007", and " Tarot, Plain and Simple". I love the aphrodisiac book. It will be put to good use. Now, to just find the time to read. I want to read "The Time Traveler's Wife" too.
And now............Another episode of "The Girl Next Door":
Nira, Crazy Neighbor's mother (Nira is the old crazy one, 80 years old and really really mean, who lives on the other side of Crazy) decided to walk down the alley, and study my backyard for awhile. Sydney overheard Crazy say to her " we can get the little dog." Later in the day, Crazy and Pedro (the illegal) were working in the backyard, and Sydney and Lyndsey both heard them talking about our little doggies. Something about taking them. They blame us for Animal Control taking their neglected animals away, and they blame us for CPS taking their baby away. So I think they are going to try to do something, maybe try to take one of our little doggies, and god knows what else. I told the kids to keep an eye on things. I really love Max, my new little doggie and I'll be pissed if something happens to him.
Another nightshift done. Almost time to go home.
namaste
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Drained
In 8 days Royce starts nursing school (He will do his prereqs, and then probably start the actual RN program in October). We are both really excited, and scared, and more excited. I am very proud of him and have all the confidence in the world in him. I know he will make a great nurse. Love you Baby. Someday we will save the world side by side.
My intention in my last post was not to offend anyone. Or hurt anyone. My intention was to bitch and vent. Which I did. Deb, you got me thinking. If I hate christians, then you must be on my list. Who else is on my hate list? It made me think. People that I care for very much. Even if I don't see them or talk to them anymore. People I will always love. Mr. Leukert, Mr.Kravig, Larry and Phil and everyone else from my Baptist church (the most wonderful people in the world), Denis, Jerry, my christian friends at work, Loida, Robin, Cathy. Mr. Brubaker was a christian. My dad was a christian. Lots of people. People that I love, not hate. So maybe I'm wrong to say I hate christians. Maybe its just christianity I hate. And yes, Nikki, your mom. She is wonderful. I don't hate her. I don't hate any of them.
So I will rephrase. I hate christianity. Hate takes too much energy. But I still feel it sometimes. And sometimes toward certain people. I just won't lump them all together from now on. Deb, you made me think.
Mr. Leukert has been on my mind alot lately. Thinking about him alot. Not sure why. I don't know if he will ever want to talk to me again, after what happened with Karl. Don't know if he ever thinks about me. Sometimes wonder if he even ever liked me. I'm sure I looked at him very differently than he looked at me. I'm sure I was this annoying, emotional, drama queen. I trusted him completely. I miss him. He always meant so much to me.
Maria, I'm not as energetic as you may think. I actually had to take a few days off for various reasons. But I am back at work now. I think we are alot alike. I think I'm angrier sometimes.
I just had to be with the doctor when he told my little 15 year old girl that her baby is dead. No heartbeat. That now we have to induce her and make her deliver this dead baby. There is a different kind of wailing, a different sound to the sobs, when a child is dead. It is haunting.
We also just found out that a nurse we used to work with here was killed on Friday by an illegal mexican with no license, running from the cops, who ran a red light. Life is short. She wasn't someone I was fond of. I never had alot of good to say about her - she always came in late, even when she was in charge, not alot of regard for anyone else at work, she always stayed late and milked the overtime. And she was let go because she was caught stealing demerol. But now I feel bad about ever saying anything bad. Why is that? Her death doesn't make any of those things untrue? I really am sorry she is dead. She had two children. Life is short. What will people say about me?
Crazy Neighbor tried to exorcize me again yesterday. I was working out in the front yard, she was in her yard. She started to chant, "Jesus Christ is Lord!!! God, our heavenly father....In the name jesus, in the holy name of jesus!!!!!" on and on and on. I looked at her, and told her that the next time her cats shit in my yard I'm dumping it in her yard. She continued to summon god. I looked at her again and said "If your cats don't stop shitting in my yard I'm calling animal control." She continues. So I rake it all up and fling it in front of her house with the rake in a pretty little pile. I proceed to get the baking soda and pour it all over the area the cat's have deemed their favorite, hoping it will neutralize the smell, and maybe discourage them from going there. As I'm doing this I look at her. She starts in again, " Someday you will have to answer to Jesus Christ for all of the bad things you have done to me. You will have to answer to Jesus someday. Oh holy Jesus, in the name of our holy saviour Jesus.............." and on and on and on. So I decide its time to tidy up my little pentagram that I have etched into the soil next to her fence. Its decorated with little polished stones. It needed a little TLC. And I accidentally had to hit my pentagram windchime that is pointing at her house, and make the little bells sing. Its a beautiful thing. And when she saw me line the side of my house with salt (which is for protection) I think she truly believes I worship satan. Do you remember the nosey little neighbor on "Bewitched"? Make her 45+, 300 pounds, with nasty blond balding hair. I think her name was Mrs. Crabapple, right? Yeah..............................
Is it ok to say I hate crazy-freak-bible-beater-psychotic-hygienically challenged-dilutional-arrogant-borderline personality, did I mention arrogant and loud, Jesus freaks? Hate her.
I'm drained. Alot of death around me.
My intention in my last post was not to offend anyone. Or hurt anyone. My intention was to bitch and vent. Which I did. Deb, you got me thinking. If I hate christians, then you must be on my list. Who else is on my hate list? It made me think. People that I care for very much. Even if I don't see them or talk to them anymore. People I will always love. Mr. Leukert, Mr.Kravig, Larry and Phil and everyone else from my Baptist church (the most wonderful people in the world), Denis, Jerry, my christian friends at work, Loida, Robin, Cathy. Mr. Brubaker was a christian. My dad was a christian. Lots of people. People that I love, not hate. So maybe I'm wrong to say I hate christians. Maybe its just christianity I hate. And yes, Nikki, your mom. She is wonderful. I don't hate her. I don't hate any of them.
So I will rephrase. I hate christianity. Hate takes too much energy. But I still feel it sometimes. And sometimes toward certain people. I just won't lump them all together from now on. Deb, you made me think.
Mr. Leukert has been on my mind alot lately. Thinking about him alot. Not sure why. I don't know if he will ever want to talk to me again, after what happened with Karl. Don't know if he ever thinks about me. Sometimes wonder if he even ever liked me. I'm sure I looked at him very differently than he looked at me. I'm sure I was this annoying, emotional, drama queen. I trusted him completely. I miss him. He always meant so much to me.
Maria, I'm not as energetic as you may think. I actually had to take a few days off for various reasons. But I am back at work now. I think we are alot alike. I think I'm angrier sometimes.
I just had to be with the doctor when he told my little 15 year old girl that her baby is dead. No heartbeat. That now we have to induce her and make her deliver this dead baby. There is a different kind of wailing, a different sound to the sobs, when a child is dead. It is haunting.
We also just found out that a nurse we used to work with here was killed on Friday by an illegal mexican with no license, running from the cops, who ran a red light. Life is short. She wasn't someone I was fond of. I never had alot of good to say about her - she always came in late, even when she was in charge, not alot of regard for anyone else at work, she always stayed late and milked the overtime. And she was let go because she was caught stealing demerol. But now I feel bad about ever saying anything bad. Why is that? Her death doesn't make any of those things untrue? I really am sorry she is dead. She had two children. Life is short. What will people say about me?
Crazy Neighbor tried to exorcize me again yesterday. I was working out in the front yard, she was in her yard. She started to chant, "Jesus Christ is Lord!!! God, our heavenly father....In the name jesus, in the holy name of jesus!!!!!" on and on and on. I looked at her, and told her that the next time her cats shit in my yard I'm dumping it in her yard. She continued to summon god. I looked at her again and said "If your cats don't stop shitting in my yard I'm calling animal control." She continues. So I rake it all up and fling it in front of her house with the rake in a pretty little pile. I proceed to get the baking soda and pour it all over the area the cat's have deemed their favorite, hoping it will neutralize the smell, and maybe discourage them from going there. As I'm doing this I look at her. She starts in again, " Someday you will have to answer to Jesus Christ for all of the bad things you have done to me. You will have to answer to Jesus someday. Oh holy Jesus, in the name of our holy saviour Jesus.............." and on and on and on. So I decide its time to tidy up my little pentagram that I have etched into the soil next to her fence. Its decorated with little polished stones. It needed a little TLC. And I accidentally had to hit my pentagram windchime that is pointing at her house, and make the little bells sing. Its a beautiful thing. And when she saw me line the side of my house with salt (which is for protection) I think she truly believes I worship satan. Do you remember the nosey little neighbor on "Bewitched"? Make her 45+, 300 pounds, with nasty blond balding hair. I think her name was Mrs. Crabapple, right? Yeah..............................
Is it ok to say I hate crazy-freak-bible-beater-psychotic-hygienically challenged-dilutional-arrogant-borderline personality, did I mention arrogant and loud, Jesus freaks? Hate her.
I'm drained. Alot of death around me.
Friday, February 02, 2007
Hate
We had a beautiful full moon last night (well, I guess everyone did now didn't they, how silly). I knew it was going to be full, but when I saw it, it was breathtaking. At first it was peaking out from behind some clouds, which was really pretty. Then after that the sky was crystal. So cool.
Nikki, I definitely think there are some idiot christians out there. We all know them. But I think there are idiots in every kind of group of people. I don't hate them because of the idiots. You mentioned that not all christians are like that, that its sad that a few of them are giving the rest of them a bad name. I have to kinda disagree with that. I find that the majority of them have bossy, condescending, judgemental, pushy, morally arrogant tendencies. This is why I hate them. Not because of the few. That would make me a really stupid person. Disliking them based on the actions of a few is no better than being a racist. People are not defined by the color of their skin. But by the content of their heart. Therefore people are defined by their belief system. That is the content of their heart. This is why I hate them.
If you believe in the Hindu gods and goddesses, you should follow their beliefs. If you believe in Allah you should follow the Koran. If you are Buddhist, you should be peaceful and follow Buddha. I find that for the most part, the members of these religions have no difficulty following the example of the one/ones they worship.
If you are a christian, you should be nice.
And if you live in this country, you should respect the fact that not everyone believes the way you do. That those around you have a different religion, or NO religion. Respect it, shut up, or get out. Its that easy. Hundreds of thousands of lives have been paid for me to have the RIGHT to be an athiest, an agnostic, a wiccan, a buddhist, a muslim, a christian, or to make up my own religion. At least respect the lives that were lost. Freedom has a high price. They died so I don't have to be a christian. Did any one ever think about that?
Even my friends, when I talk about how I really believe, how I really feel, most of them kind of look at me, with that look like, "come on Barb, you know you are just upset, you really believe in god, how could you not?" Like they have a hard time accepting I feel this way, because they like me, and are kind of in denial that I feel that way. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them, with pity, and give them that, " I think its really pathetic that you believe in something so false, that your belief system is so fucked up, you can't possibly really feel that way, but I guess I'll overlook it cause I like you." I like my friends, and love my sisters, no matter what they believe. IN SPITE of the fact that some of them are christian.
Yesterday, someone said to me, jokingly, "I guess its my job to reconvert you." I said I will never go back to a church. They said, not joking this time, "Yeah but you could just go to a different church, a different congregation, away from the stuff that happened. You need to let your kids decide for themselves too." I kind of looked at them. I said, "But I don't believe any of that stuff any more. Why would I go to ANY place if I don't believe what they believe? And if I think its something bad for my kids, I'm not going to take them there. "
People tell me I should come back because you can't judge the whole church on the actions of a few. You don't have to believe everything, and you can't look at people, they are fallible. What people don't get is that, over this 2 or 3 year change in me, that is what has changed - what I believe. The reason I don't go to church is not because I am mad at someone. I don't believe ANY of it. Why would I go? If that is the case, why don't some of the Adventists start going to a Catholic church. I know they don't really believe the same thing, but you can't judge the whole church by some of the people, you can go and believe what is in your own heart. This is what they are asking me to do.
A few weeks ago, I accidentally ended up at one of the church members houses who was having a birthday party for a child. There were probably 5 or 6 different church families there. No one expected to see me, I only went with Loida to pick up her kids. When I walked in you would think they had seen a ghost. Its interesting. Two of the men, who have known me forever, and know about everything that happened with Tyler, and were at church when I revoked my membership, talked to me. Kind of out of uncomfortableness, but none the less were pleasant. They ask me how I am, how my mom is, after my dad's death. I say I don't know. I don't talk to her. Even more uncomfortable now. They proceed to tell me how horrible it was, what happened to Tyler. How they think Claus was a horrible teacher. How if they would have known how bad he was he would have been gone a long time ago. And then he asks me if I'm ever going to send the kids back to the school. I'm like.............uh, no. No, no, no. Then they start talking all this christian mumbo jumbo, like always, and I am completely reminded of why I left. This house is SO christian in fact that the contemporary christian music station is left on the tv for the party. I wanted to puke. But I didn't. I was good. I just wanted to leave. But Loida's kids weren't ready, and I am bigger than that. Its funny. The men, the stewards and office holders of the church (which both of these guys were, treasurer and school board member) politely sit down and talk to the stray sheep, the black sheep, the offended, the lost. They sympathize with me about the teacher, they start talking about god, and they even start in with the praise of our wonderful president, Mr. Bush (at this point, I REALLY need to go.) But you know, the wives of these guys, who I have also known forever, were just cold bitches. Now that she's out of the "club" we can't talk to her anymore. And they were so fakey nice when I went there. Makes you wonder what they heard about me. I think they just know that I am way FREAKIER than them. This intrigues the husbands. It always does. My frigid days make me look like Jenna Jameson compared to them on a good day. The men get it, thats why they talk to me. The women get it, thats why they don't. What fuckin losers.
And just for the record, no one ever to this day apologized to Tyler. Or asked him to come back. Not once.
Shelli, you may hate the word "hate". But its the best descriptive word I have. And I have a right to use it. And there is a difference between hating for something like color, or gender, or age, and hating because of being wronged and because of behavior.
Why I hate christians, reason # 267:
My friend Loida had to have emergency surgery last week. She is doing well, but none the less had surgery. The day of or after her surgery, one day post op, her kids go to school. It is the 100th day of school, and you are supposed to bring 100 of something. Candy, stickers, pennies, whatever - to celebrate. In the midst of mommy having surgery, being cut open, and mommy not being home because she is in the hospital, their little worlds turned upside down, and being in a Spanish speaking home and Grandma not speaking english and being unaware of the stupid 100 day ritual at school, and maybe not even having the money to buy or send 100 of everything with 3 kids - Grandma sends the kids off the school without a hundred of anything. Not knowing it isn't a "regular" day of school. So in the hospital that night, Loida talks to her kids on the phone. The little one, 4 years old, kindergartener, who is just starting school and desperately wanting to fit in, is very sad on the phone because she didn't get any ice cream because she didn't bring 100 of anything. So you are telling me that the kindergarten teacher singled out this 4 year old child whose mom is one day post op in the hospital, singled her out, and made her sit and watch all the other kids eat ice cream. What the FUCK are these people thinking?
Number 1: Loida shouldn't have to deal with this while she is in the hospital. She shouldn't have a sad child to comfort while she is high on morphine and hurting herself.
Number 2 : If it would have been a child from a family that is better off financially or in higher standing - if it would have been any member of the Clark of Eddlemon or Zirkle family, that child would have had 2 bowls of ice cream.
Number 3: The school shouldn't be withholding ice cream, they should be bringing food to Loida's house for the week.
Number 4: She is FOUR YEARS OLD. That is enough right there.
Number 5: WHAT THE FUCK ??????????????????
Thats the bullshit I don't have to deal with anymore.
Claus is the other person (my neighbor the other) that I just can't be zen with. Don't know if I will ever get there with him.
What he did to the inside of me and Tyler won't ever be better.
Nikki, I definitely think there are some idiot christians out there. We all know them. But I think there are idiots in every kind of group of people. I don't hate them because of the idiots. You mentioned that not all christians are like that, that its sad that a few of them are giving the rest of them a bad name. I have to kinda disagree with that. I find that the majority of them have bossy, condescending, judgemental, pushy, morally arrogant tendencies. This is why I hate them. Not because of the few. That would make me a really stupid person. Disliking them based on the actions of a few is no better than being a racist. People are not defined by the color of their skin. But by the content of their heart. Therefore people are defined by their belief system. That is the content of their heart. This is why I hate them.
If you believe in the Hindu gods and goddesses, you should follow their beliefs. If you believe in Allah you should follow the Koran. If you are Buddhist, you should be peaceful and follow Buddha. I find that for the most part, the members of these religions have no difficulty following the example of the one/ones they worship.
If you are a christian, you should be nice.
And if you live in this country, you should respect the fact that not everyone believes the way you do. That those around you have a different religion, or NO religion. Respect it, shut up, or get out. Its that easy. Hundreds of thousands of lives have been paid for me to have the RIGHT to be an athiest, an agnostic, a wiccan, a buddhist, a muslim, a christian, or to make up my own religion. At least respect the lives that were lost. Freedom has a high price. They died so I don't have to be a christian. Did any one ever think about that?
Even my friends, when I talk about how I really believe, how I really feel, most of them kind of look at me, with that look like, "come on Barb, you know you are just upset, you really believe in god, how could you not?" Like they have a hard time accepting I feel this way, because they like me, and are kind of in denial that I feel that way. I don't do that to them. I don't look at them, with pity, and give them that, " I think its really pathetic that you believe in something so false, that your belief system is so fucked up, you can't possibly really feel that way, but I guess I'll overlook it cause I like you." I like my friends, and love my sisters, no matter what they believe. IN SPITE of the fact that some of them are christian.
Yesterday, someone said to me, jokingly, "I guess its my job to reconvert you." I said I will never go back to a church. They said, not joking this time, "Yeah but you could just go to a different church, a different congregation, away from the stuff that happened. You need to let your kids decide for themselves too." I kind of looked at them. I said, "But I don't believe any of that stuff any more. Why would I go to ANY place if I don't believe what they believe? And if I think its something bad for my kids, I'm not going to take them there. "
People tell me I should come back because you can't judge the whole church on the actions of a few. You don't have to believe everything, and you can't look at people, they are fallible. What people don't get is that, over this 2 or 3 year change in me, that is what has changed - what I believe. The reason I don't go to church is not because I am mad at someone. I don't believe ANY of it. Why would I go? If that is the case, why don't some of the Adventists start going to a Catholic church. I know they don't really believe the same thing, but you can't judge the whole church by some of the people, you can go and believe what is in your own heart. This is what they are asking me to do.
A few weeks ago, I accidentally ended up at one of the church members houses who was having a birthday party for a child. There were probably 5 or 6 different church families there. No one expected to see me, I only went with Loida to pick up her kids. When I walked in you would think they had seen a ghost. Its interesting. Two of the men, who have known me forever, and know about everything that happened with Tyler, and were at church when I revoked my membership, talked to me. Kind of out of uncomfortableness, but none the less were pleasant. They ask me how I am, how my mom is, after my dad's death. I say I don't know. I don't talk to her. Even more uncomfortable now. They proceed to tell me how horrible it was, what happened to Tyler. How they think Claus was a horrible teacher. How if they would have known how bad he was he would have been gone a long time ago. And then he asks me if I'm ever going to send the kids back to the school. I'm like.............uh, no. No, no, no. Then they start talking all this christian mumbo jumbo, like always, and I am completely reminded of why I left. This house is SO christian in fact that the contemporary christian music station is left on the tv for the party. I wanted to puke. But I didn't. I was good. I just wanted to leave. But Loida's kids weren't ready, and I am bigger than that. Its funny. The men, the stewards and office holders of the church (which both of these guys were, treasurer and school board member) politely sit down and talk to the stray sheep, the black sheep, the offended, the lost. They sympathize with me about the teacher, they start talking about god, and they even start in with the praise of our wonderful president, Mr. Bush (at this point, I REALLY need to go.) But you know, the wives of these guys, who I have also known forever, were just cold bitches. Now that she's out of the "club" we can't talk to her anymore. And they were so fakey nice when I went there. Makes you wonder what they heard about me. I think they just know that I am way FREAKIER than them. This intrigues the husbands. It always does. My frigid days make me look like Jenna Jameson compared to them on a good day. The men get it, thats why they talk to me. The women get it, thats why they don't. What fuckin losers.
And just for the record, no one ever to this day apologized to Tyler. Or asked him to come back. Not once.
Shelli, you may hate the word "hate". But its the best descriptive word I have. And I have a right to use it. And there is a difference between hating for something like color, or gender, or age, and hating because of being wronged and because of behavior.
Why I hate christians, reason # 267:
My friend Loida had to have emergency surgery last week. She is doing well, but none the less had surgery. The day of or after her surgery, one day post op, her kids go to school. It is the 100th day of school, and you are supposed to bring 100 of something. Candy, stickers, pennies, whatever - to celebrate. In the midst of mommy having surgery, being cut open, and mommy not being home because she is in the hospital, their little worlds turned upside down, and being in a Spanish speaking home and Grandma not speaking english and being unaware of the stupid 100 day ritual at school, and maybe not even having the money to buy or send 100 of everything with 3 kids - Grandma sends the kids off the school without a hundred of anything. Not knowing it isn't a "regular" day of school. So in the hospital that night, Loida talks to her kids on the phone. The little one, 4 years old, kindergartener, who is just starting school and desperately wanting to fit in, is very sad on the phone because she didn't get any ice cream because she didn't bring 100 of anything. So you are telling me that the kindergarten teacher singled out this 4 year old child whose mom is one day post op in the hospital, singled her out, and made her sit and watch all the other kids eat ice cream. What the FUCK are these people thinking?
Number 1: Loida shouldn't have to deal with this while she is in the hospital. She shouldn't have a sad child to comfort while she is high on morphine and hurting herself.
Number 2 : If it would have been a child from a family that is better off financially or in higher standing - if it would have been any member of the Clark of Eddlemon or Zirkle family, that child would have had 2 bowls of ice cream.
Number 3: The school shouldn't be withholding ice cream, they should be bringing food to Loida's house for the week.
Number 4: She is FOUR YEARS OLD. That is enough right there.
Number 5: WHAT THE FUCK ??????????????????
Thats the bullshit I don't have to deal with anymore.
Claus is the other person (my neighbor the other) that I just can't be zen with. Don't know if I will ever get there with him.
What he did to the inside of me and Tyler won't ever be better.
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