Not fading as much as I was. It's weird, I'm having a much better state of mind than I probably should have, considering. I should feel lower than I do right now. I am attributing it to good thoughts and energy sent my way. There have been people around me that I wouldn't trade situations for, even as bad as my finances are right now. Catching glimpses of color in my greyness. Realizing the things I have and "living" in the moment as Heather put it, and making the most of the right now,- even if it is only the next few hours at work with my co-workers, or the time spent with Royce when I get home, or hearing the kids play, - is not making me forget my problems, but its giving me the drive and energy to do what I must to fix my situation. Maybe thats the definition of positive attitude. I haven't really been trying to have it, I've just noticed it the last couple of days.
I've been having trouble denying the existence of "god". I have tried to, but can't seem to shake the feeling that there is "god" out there. Please do not confuse this for any belief in or acceptance or interest in anything christian. When I let go of any anger towards church or anything that happened, and am open to god or to the bible, I simply am at a loss though. Nothing speaks to me. Nothing touches me, nothing do I feel, nothing do I sense when I DO have the open mind, the willing "spirit". I feel like I have lost so much. Like Christmas will never be the same cause now I know that Santa doesn't exist. When my spirit is quiet and open to god, all there is - is void. I think that people that believe strictly in a religion, it is so the easy way out. No thinking, no critical thought. Just acceptance. Why would such an intelligent, all powerful god expect blind faith from his creations? If we truly are made in god's image, then we are intelligent with critical thinking skill just like him. He would never require his intelligent creations to just believe with no reason other than thats how they were taught. Because I said so. I don't expect my children to accept that answer. If I want to teach my kids I offer them an intelligent reason, with valid proof or valid reasons for accepting me and my words. Not just, you need to have faith in me. How is that any different than the Muslims? Than the Hindi? If you say you can feel god's spirit, any muslim will tell you he can feel Allah's spirit? What makes you any less crazy than him? THIS IS MY QUESTION. Every Muslim believes beyond the shadow of a doubt, beyond life itself, that they are just as right as Mr. Anonymous was that left those words of wisdom here. I would love to believe just because someone told me it was the right thing to do. How easy would that be? How is the Bible any more accurate than the Koran? Ask a Muslim that. See how passionate he is in his beliefs. How right he feels he is. Every terrorist, every abortion-clinic bomber, every environmentalist, every Muslim, every christian, every group thinks that they are right.
BUT.........I just can't deny "god". So I will quit trying.
However, I am finally at a place in my life where I do not need the assurance or promise of a "god" to feel peace, nor do I need the threat of hell to be "good". The peace and goodness are coming from somewhere in myself.
Energy is funny. What we attract to ourselves. What we put out there. What comes back to us. People that connect with us when we need them, without even knowing it. How we are positive energy to other people, without even knowing they may need us at that time. How when we least expect it, we hear something from someone that reaffirms what we believe, questions what we question. How we shouldn't get so caught up in our own problems that we are unaware of what we might be to someone else, even if it is only a conversation, or a thought expressed.
How just another boring night at work, a tedious step in fixing my finances, a night in a string of many to come, that I'm just trying to get through, can be a place to connect, a space to listen, a field to learn, a medium for so many other opportunities. All very subtle, all very hard to see until you make yourself be in that other spiritual place. And these moments happen all the time, and we never pay attention to them. Too busy with life.
Another night of work done. A week to go.
Fading less.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Tired
In triage tonight. Listening to music all night. Delilah for awhile. Sometimes its nice in here. My own little space. This paycheck my finances finally caught up with me. In a somewhat emotional coma, my spirit quiet, subdued, tired - just tired - as financial hell explodes all around me, financial hell that came by my own hand. Right now just staying quiet, and on auto-pilot. Will be at work alot. Missing Royce alot tonight. And the kids. Just angry with myself, depressed, and just tired. Losing perspective. Sometimes auto-pilot is just easier.
Still fading.
Still fading.
Friday, April 27, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Feeling Better
Finally feeling better. Spent my "back off" week in bed, so REALLY backed off. Didn't do much for my weight loss, but I always drop a few after my period, so we will see in a few days. Maybe I'll go for a bike ride today. Going out with Jenn tomorrow.
174.4 today.
174.4 today.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Working and Sleeping
Worked last night, working tonight, its the middle of the day, and can't sleep. Just took a little NyQuil. Thinking too much about money and such. New charge nurse actually added me for all the extra days I wanted so that is good. Just gotta work my little butt off. It gets tiring though, don't see the kids, don't see Royce, eat and sleep, and people keep calling with bad things to say to me. It will end. And it is all my fault, so I have to correct it. Friday is my only day off. I really honestly don't have time for stupid posts like just happened. Life is too short. And Tracy, thanks for the kind words. You are always so positive. You made me smile when I haven't been doing that alot between being sick and working.
Back to bed.
Back to bed.
Ok, Nikki, you have put my cahones in check. I dropped the last name on two of them. Only because I like Sharon. I really do. She doesn't need any hell from this. And because of Mr. L. I'm sure he never wants to speak to me again, but he will always mean alot to me. And what hurts them hurts him. I spoke before I thought. I was just angry when I posted. And Liz's name too. Those of us who matter know who they are anyhow. Now, Mr. Randall Claus can rot in hell and everyone should know his name.
Thank you once again Anonymous, for your wisdom and advice. You seem to be a nice enough person, but you've made your point and I'm not addressing it anymore. Nikki is right. The Bible texts might mean something if I actually believed the bible, but since I don't they are kind of meaningless. How dare you tell me when god will or will not hear me? You are just like everyone else - you think you have all the answers, and that your version is right. Well, fuck you. If God is there he will hear me whenever and however I pray. How dare you tell me he won't.
Please quit trying to save me. I'm sure in 12 years of christian school I have read the bible as many times as you - I don't need quotes. Please stop worrying about me and my children, we will be fine.
Thank you once again Anonymous, for your wisdom and advice. You seem to be a nice enough person, but you've made your point and I'm not addressing it anymore. Nikki is right. The Bible texts might mean something if I actually believed the bible, but since I don't they are kind of meaningless. How dare you tell me when god will or will not hear me? You are just like everyone else - you think you have all the answers, and that your version is right. Well, fuck you. If God is there he will hear me whenever and however I pray. How dare you tell me he won't.
Please quit trying to save me. I'm sure in 12 years of christian school I have read the bible as many times as you - I don't need quotes. Please stop worrying about me and my children, we will be fine.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
(no more bold type or large print)
174.6 today. Hopefully 173 by Friday, for my 2 pounds this week. This is the week of water weight gain and bitchiness, so we'll see. Please, whatever god can hear me, let me be 173.
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/
POST SECRET.
Another week. Check it out.
174.6 today. Hopefully 173 by Friday, for my 2 pounds this week. This is the week of water weight gain and bitchiness, so we'll see. Please, whatever god can hear me, let me be 173.
http://www.postsecret.blogspot.com/
POST SECRET.
Another week. Check it out.
Something Wiccan This Way Comes..................
Dear Anonymous,
(and the bold, large print isn't an accident)
First, thank you for your comments. They are always welcome. Where you make me think, I hope I also make you think. Unless you are as closed-minded as a Jehovah's Witness. Open to your own thoughts only.
I get the distinct impression this is someone I know. This IS and always will be a public blog where everyone and anyone and their comments are welcome. Agreed with or not. That said, if this is C, who I think it might be, you are living a homosexual lifestyle, which I completely do not disagree with, but also because of which you should do NO preaching or advising on Christian matters. If you think wiccan is any different than homosexuality in christian terms you are saddly mistaken and maybe should re-examine your own life.
If this is Karl, you shouldn't have had an affair with me, cheated on your wife, and then proceeded to preach the good word to me. Won't buy it. And if this is someone who came here from Sharon's blog, please realize that Karl, her husband, did this.
If this is someone completely anonymous, got a question for you: I have never, and still do not, have a problem with Jesus or with Jesus dying for my sins. I don't know what I believe as far as accuracy of the Bible, or truth. But if Jesus did exist, and came and died for my sins: if a perfect, all powerful being came to my world, lived perfectly, and paid my price for life, ------- I have no problem with that. And I accept it. According to my bible, the only requirement for salvation is acceptance of that gift. Fine, I accept it. There is nothing that says I need to belong to a Christian organization. Nothing.
Why would that still small voice (yes, I know all the adventist, christian lingo) try to persuade me to come back to a group of people that are so mean, and ugly? If that is what the voice is saying, it is not the voice of god. Maybe its a voice that I need medication for.
And if it really is a voice, not a left-over effect of brainwashing, why didn't that voice speak when Mr. Randall Claus (just in case anyone is googling) the Seventh-Day Adventist teacher, kicked my child out of church-school for not being "spiritual" enough? (my child, who is now failing in the public school system that we were told " he would do very well in", the public school system he was forced into, by the church, not by me). Why did that same christian/adventist school and teacher not protect my girls from a child molestor? Why didn't that voice speak when Liz let me know what a disappointment I was when I got pregnant out of wedlock? Why didn't that voice speak when church members didn't respect family wishes when my dad was dying? I could go on and on. But I really am too tired to. I'm just tired.
If your response, like it always has been to this issue, is - "don't look to people - look to god", then my answer is "fine - I accept god, and Jesus, and Jesus' gift". But I choose not to belong to any christian organization. They are not loving, and they do not represent Jesus. Actually, the witches are more in line with living lovingly. I'm going to go where I find god, and peace, and love. And its not in christianity, its in wicca. And when I do my spells, and interact with the gods, God is one of them, and I speak to Jesus then too. And he hears me.
So to respond to your comment, I don't reject god or jesus, or his gift. I reject christianity. And I can accept Jesus and be wiccan at the same time. (Maybe I'm starting a whole new religion - wiccans who love Jesus.)
I'm glad that you have found peace, and your path. I am still finding mine. How much you wanna bet in the end, we will be on the same page, reading the same book? And who knows, it might even be the Koran. Wouldn't that shock us all to hell?
And FYI, its hard to take anything you say to heart, when you are not willing to put your name or identity behind it.
(and the bold, large print isn't an accident)
First, thank you for your comments. They are always welcome. Where you make me think, I hope I also make you think. Unless you are as closed-minded as a Jehovah's Witness. Open to your own thoughts only.
I get the distinct impression this is someone I know. This IS and always will be a public blog where everyone and anyone and their comments are welcome. Agreed with or not. That said, if this is C, who I think it might be, you are living a homosexual lifestyle, which I completely do not disagree with, but also because of which you should do NO preaching or advising on Christian matters. If you think wiccan is any different than homosexuality in christian terms you are saddly mistaken and maybe should re-examine your own life.
If this is Karl, you shouldn't have had an affair with me, cheated on your wife, and then proceeded to preach the good word to me. Won't buy it. And if this is someone who came here from Sharon's blog, please realize that Karl, her husband, did this.
If this is someone completely anonymous, got a question for you: I have never, and still do not, have a problem with Jesus or with Jesus dying for my sins. I don't know what I believe as far as accuracy of the Bible, or truth. But if Jesus did exist, and came and died for my sins: if a perfect, all powerful being came to my world, lived perfectly, and paid my price for life, ------- I have no problem with that. And I accept it. According to my bible, the only requirement for salvation is acceptance of that gift. Fine, I accept it. There is nothing that says I need to belong to a Christian organization. Nothing.
Why would that still small voice (yes, I know all the adventist, christian lingo) try to persuade me to come back to a group of people that are so mean, and ugly? If that is what the voice is saying, it is not the voice of god. Maybe its a voice that I need medication for.
And if it really is a voice, not a left-over effect of brainwashing, why didn't that voice speak when Mr. Randall Claus (just in case anyone is googling) the Seventh-Day Adventist teacher, kicked my child out of church-school for not being "spiritual" enough? (my child, who is now failing in the public school system that we were told " he would do very well in", the public school system he was forced into, by the church, not by me). Why did that same christian/adventist school and teacher not protect my girls from a child molestor? Why didn't that voice speak when Liz let me know what a disappointment I was when I got pregnant out of wedlock? Why didn't that voice speak when church members didn't respect family wishes when my dad was dying? I could go on and on. But I really am too tired to. I'm just tired.
If your response, like it always has been to this issue, is - "don't look to people - look to god", then my answer is "fine - I accept god, and Jesus, and Jesus' gift". But I choose not to belong to any christian organization. They are not loving, and they do not represent Jesus. Actually, the witches are more in line with living lovingly. I'm going to go where I find god, and peace, and love. And its not in christianity, its in wicca. And when I do my spells, and interact with the gods, God is one of them, and I speak to Jesus then too. And he hears me.
So to respond to your comment, I don't reject god or jesus, or his gift. I reject christianity. And I can accept Jesus and be wiccan at the same time. (Maybe I'm starting a whole new religion - wiccans who love Jesus.)
I'm glad that you have found peace, and your path. I am still finding mine. How much you wanna bet in the end, we will be on the same page, reading the same book? And who knows, it might even be the Koran. Wouldn't that shock us all to hell?
And FYI, its hard to take anything you say to heart, when you are not willing to put your name or identity behind it.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Perfect Love and Perfect Trust
During the down time at work I've been making a conscious effort to read more. Awhile ago I picked up a book at Vision Quest - it is "LLewellyn's 2007 Wicca Almanac - A Guide to Pagan Living." Life is funny. The more I learn and the older I get, the more I realize that everything I was ever taught about Wicca, and other religions, is so completely wrong. I find myself wanting to know more and more, as much as I can. 15 years ago I would never have let a book like that in my house, sight unseen, thinking it was some devil-posessed scripture. Thinking it would posess me and my house and things would start flying around the room. I laugh at myself now. I am finding that it is all about spirituality, and open to all forms of spirituality. Intention, Peace, Balance, Celebration. All of these things. It really is a very beautiful religion. Much more peaceful than christianity. And MUCH MUCH more spitirual. Much more healing. There is that nagging brain-washed part of my brain, that tries to whisper, "you are going to HELL!!!" for even reading it. I can't even logically explain why it bothers me. When that happens, and I keep an open mind, and just read, read without any preconceived ideas, read with a clean slate - it is so beautiful. In fact, in almost every sentence where "the Goddess" is mentioned - if you were to replace "goddess" with "God", it would be an exact replica of my old Sabbath School lessons, or Bible class at Thunderbird. Nothing evil, or violent, or posessed, or of the devil. Almost word for word. Nature, and peace, and love, and balance, and connection. It always amazes me when I realize how many Wiccan ideas and things I already did or embraced in my life, without even realizing it. Before I even knew they existed. Its like I have found my place. I have found something with Wicca that makes me feel home. I just fit. I don't know enough about it to really call myself wiccan yet, but sometimes I feel like it. And it still scares me a little to say it outloud - like I'm going to get struck down by lightning, or that I have just sold my soul to the devil, or signed my lease in hell. Its hard to swallow anything when Judeo-Christianity has been shoved down and stuck in your throat for your whole life. The more removed I am from closed-minded idiots, the more that path seems crazy and angry - and the more all these new ideas that were always taught as "bad" make sense. I guess thats it. Something finally makes sense.
How many wars were started, or people tortured or masacred in the name of the goddess, or to try and make other become Wiccan? Or Buddhist? Or Pagan?
I've read the Bible. That's why I AM an athiest.
My new favorite bumper sticker (from www.cafepress.com) :
"This is a Christian country - thats why there are no homeless people here."
I love it.
The other day I was talking to a friend about energy. Something had happened, a very weird coincidence - she came to tell me that she met a guy at work that is interested in her, and that asked her out. The more she talked, he seemed familiar. It so happens that I grew up literally 2 doors down from him. Weird. Energy. She is very christian. I told her that it was energy and reaffirmed how we should be more open to it, cause it is everywhere and very powerful.
She said to me, and was referring to witchcraft and the such, "Yeah, but someday it will disappoint you."
And my quick reply to that, which she couldn't even find a response to was, "It can't possibly disappoint me anymore than christianity has." All she could do was to smile, and kind of nod in agreement.
I've read the Bible. That's why I AM an athiest.
My new favorite bumper sticker (from www.cafepress.com) :
"This is a Christian country - thats why there are no homeless people here."
I love it.
How many wars were started, or people tortured or masacred in the name of the goddess, or to try and make other become Wiccan? Or Buddhist? Or Pagan?
I've read the Bible. That's why I AM an athiest.
My new favorite bumper sticker (from www.cafepress.com) :
"This is a Christian country - thats why there are no homeless people here."
I love it.
The other day I was talking to a friend about energy. Something had happened, a very weird coincidence - she came to tell me that she met a guy at work that is interested in her, and that asked her out. The more she talked, he seemed familiar. It so happens that I grew up literally 2 doors down from him. Weird. Energy. She is very christian. I told her that it was energy and reaffirmed how we should be more open to it, cause it is everywhere and very powerful.
She said to me, and was referring to witchcraft and the such, "Yeah, but someday it will disappoint you."
And my quick reply to that, which she couldn't even find a response to was, "It can't possibly disappoint me anymore than christianity has." All she could do was to smile, and kind of nod in agreement.
I've read the Bible. That's why I AM an athiest.
My new favorite bumper sticker (from www.cafepress.com) :
"This is a Christian country - thats why there are no homeless people here."
I love it.
Work
Worked 5 nights this last week. Starting a new week tonight. Gonna work as many nights as they let me, except Friday - Jenn's birthday party.
Friday, April 20, 2007
The Best Revenge
So I used to believe that men were basically evil, and that women basically weren't. Sure there's always the exception to the rule, but for the most part I believed this was gospel. Once again, its always the little things that get you. I woke up today and decided to go for a bike ride before work. I'm getting ready to cross a little side street, this lady pulls up in her car and completely blocks my way from getting back on the sidewalk. I have to struggle to get around her car. I know alot of people do this without knowing it, and it is rush hour, but after finally getting around her car and onto the other side, I look at her. And she is laughing. I turn around again and look at her, and she makes direct eye contact with me, and is snickering at me for blocking my way. I find myself smiling alot more, at strangers. Just to do it. I believe that most people deserve a smile. But there are some people that just deserve to get flipped off. Which I did. And about 5 minutes prior to that, I was crossing where the freeway off ramp is, mind you at rush hour, and a truck full of guys completely stops when they have the right of way, and stops traffic so I can get across. So theres goes that theory of mine. I'll just chalk it up to being hotter than her. Usually when men react positively to me and women react negatively it just means I look better than her. Good, I must be doing something right.
I started out being disappointed today because it is weigh-in day and I am 175 and have only lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks (179 at Easter when I started working out). But I think Tracy is right, you can only lose 2 pounds of fat a week. Therefore I am right on track. I just get too impatient. I'm going to just keep on keepin' on. I lost what I was supposed to in 2 weeks. Royce said I look different, but I don't see it yet. And I feel better already. So I will choose not to be impatient, and accept that I made my goal. And I will work hard, eat good, and shoot for 2 more pounds this next week - 173 by Friday.
I was having alot of problems with mood. Feeling sad, being on edge. Royce always told me it was my testosterone level, that it is responsible for my state of well-being, and that it is probably low, and that exercise will increase it. I feel much better after exercising regularly for 2 weeks. Its almost worth it without weight loss as an effect - just the emotional effects alone. But I want the weight loss too. And I have started taking St. John's Wort again. It really is an amazing little flower. I can already feel the difference. This time a tincture, not a tea. I think it is more pure and effective this way.
I'm learning how to turn anger and negative energy into something positive. Not really trying, its just kind of happening. Like when something negative happens, instead of just getting pissed and/or sad, my first reaction is that the anger motivates me to change things. Like that stupid bitch in her car today. She had bad hair, was not in shape, and was pretty homely. It just makes me want to work out harder, so that when things like that happen again, and I am fine and working at the strip club, and out riding my bike - I can stand up on the pedals and lift my fine ass in the air at her and have guys honk at me in front of her.
The best revenge is living well.
Here's that picture of me when I was 19. Its old and all blurry, but you can see it. Yeah, I know - what happened? I can and I will get back to this.
I started out being disappointed today because it is weigh-in day and I am 175 and have only lost 4 pounds in 2 weeks (179 at Easter when I started working out). But I think Tracy is right, you can only lose 2 pounds of fat a week. Therefore I am right on track. I just get too impatient. I'm going to just keep on keepin' on. I lost what I was supposed to in 2 weeks. Royce said I look different, but I don't see it yet. And I feel better already. So I will choose not to be impatient, and accept that I made my goal. And I will work hard, eat good, and shoot for 2 more pounds this next week - 173 by Friday.
I was having alot of problems with mood. Feeling sad, being on edge. Royce always told me it was my testosterone level, that it is responsible for my state of well-being, and that it is probably low, and that exercise will increase it. I feel much better after exercising regularly for 2 weeks. Its almost worth it without weight loss as an effect - just the emotional effects alone. But I want the weight loss too. And I have started taking St. John's Wort again. It really is an amazing little flower. I can already feel the difference. This time a tincture, not a tea. I think it is more pure and effective this way.
I'm learning how to turn anger and negative energy into something positive. Not really trying, its just kind of happening. Like when something negative happens, instead of just getting pissed and/or sad, my first reaction is that the anger motivates me to change things. Like that stupid bitch in her car today. She had bad hair, was not in shape, and was pretty homely. It just makes me want to work out harder, so that when things like that happen again, and I am fine and working at the strip club, and out riding my bike - I can stand up on the pedals and lift my fine ass in the air at her and have guys honk at me in front of her.
The best revenge is living well.
Here's that picture of me when I was 19. Its old and all blurry, but you can see it. Yeah, I know - what happened? I can and I will get back to this.
Food today:
Soup......................................240
Chicken..................................400
Cottage cheese.........................400
Oranges..................................140
--------------------------------------------------
Total.....................................1180
Addendum at 8 am:
After the 1180, ate a bunch of crap. Maybe like 840. So total 2020. Fuck.
Its 3 days before my period, fuck it. And yes, some of it was chocolate. The other half Doritos.
Thursday, April 19, 2007
For Stacey
I'm having a hard time writing today. I revisited a place this morning, that I haven't been to in awhile. A bad place. And I'm crying as I write. Not really sad, but for some reason tears come. Its going to be a long post, I can tell right now. But I need to write. And I am going to warn you Kirk, if you are reading this, you may want to stop. I am not writing to hurt you or make you look bad, I just need to write.
I am writing today because of Stacey (http://www.iammelting.blogspot.com/). I read her post today and it took me back. I could have written it. I got married when I was 20. I loved him. We weren't in love, he would never let me that close. But I loved him. We were poor, had nothing of monetary value, and every single red flag that could have gone up was up - prior to getting married. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, rape, infidelity, drugs, lies, time spent in prison, lots of anger. And it was taken out on me. All this even before we got married. But I saw something in him that I thought was lovable, redeemable even in spite of all those other things. And I wasn't imagining it. There was something good there. Inside of him. I loved him and wanted to be with him. I, like all stupid youth, believed that love will conquer all. That even though other people had written him off, had rejected him, that I wouldn't. That I would stand by him and wanted to spend my life with him. So we left his world, I brought him to mine in Phoenix, and we got married and started a life. It's the little things that always bothered me. I guess the big things were too obvious and harder to accept that they were there. The rape is something that I still am dealing with. But winning. The wedding was already planned before he proposed - I got my "official" proposal about a month before, cause he hadn't got a ring yet. I knew he was getting it soon. One day we were sitting on the couch and he said, "here's your ring," and handed me a little box. I was supposed to be thrilled with this. But I ignored how it felt. And showed everyone my ring. I got a call one day from his "probabion officer" , who I didn't know existed, who informed me he was on probabion for drug posession, and when confronted about it he tells me he was actually in jail that night a month ago when he told me he was "pulling a double" at work. I ignored and forgave that too. Cause its the loving thing to do right? Nice way to start a marriage. We got married August 18, 1991. 2 months later I was pregnant with Tyler. I was thrilled. I always knew I would be a baby machine. He was happy I think. At least he wasn't angry about it. When I was 6 months pregnant he informed me that he had cheated on me when we were going out and living together back in Iowa. He had slept with some girl after one of our fights. I ignore this. When I was 22 weeks pregnant the doctors found something on my ultrasound. It was a choroid plexus cyst. A cyst in the ventricles of the baby's brain. I was not a nurse and knew nothing about nothing, and it was my first baby. It could mean nothing. But it could be an indication of Down's syndrome, or mental deficits. I was terrified. This was all dropped on me in one sitting. I called him at work and told him. His response was, "Well, can we take care of it?" meaning an abortion. No consolation, no we will get through this. Just can we get rid of the problem. Cause a handicapped child is so unacceptable, right? I had an amniocentesis to determine any abnormalities. But the results took 2 weeks to come back. I would then be 24 weeks. I would literally have hours to legally decide if I wanted to terminate. Before it even got that I knew what I would do. I knew I could never kill my child, no matter what was wrong with it. I would just deal with it. And hope for the best. Those were the 2 longest weeks of my life. Even though I had made up my mind, it was still very stressful. He was never angry about this decision, I actually think he just ignored the whole thing. But his first reaction always stayed with me. Everything was normal, and if you know Tyler he is extremely bright, very talented - I think even more musically talented than I was, good looking, and very popular. I'm glad I made my decision before I knew though. I had a c-section with Tyler. The doctor's told me he was too big and wouldn't fit. He was actually a month premature and 7 pounds 10 ounces, and would have fit nicely. But now I have a beautiful scar to remember it by. At the c-section he told me "They should have sucked out some fat while they were in there." And I was probably 125-130 after my surgery. And raved to my mother and family about how cool it was to see my abdomen splayed open. Tyler ended up being in the intensive care for 12 days due to respiratory distress, he couldn't breathe well enough, from being premature. All the stuff I know now, it just makes me sick how everything medially happened with Tyler. But that is past, and I have a beautiful child. I was now immediately post-op, with a huge incision, breast engorgment cause I couldn't nurse him, and my baby was taken away and was sick. I remembering just crying. And never wanting another child if it hurt this much. I asked him to stay the night with me. He said no, because it would be too uncomfortable to sleep there. I was high on Percocet, and just slept I guess. When I got home, I stayed with my mom. When he was there, instead of taking care of me and helping, he expected me to take care of him. Get him a glass of water, get him something to eat, go do this, go do that. I could barely walk without pain. But he was uncomfortable getting things for himself in my mom's house, so I should do it. I spent 12 days traveling back and forth to the NICU, sitting with Tyler, bringing in breast milk that I had pumped at home, and hoping. I didn't get to nurse him for 10 days, he was so unstable he couldn't be taken out of the isolette. It was probably the worst time of my whole life. We finally got to take him home. It was so scary but somehow Tyler survived. I was supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Kirk wasn't that patient. I think it happened at about 4 or 5. (One time a patient at work came back a week after her c-section because her husband had gotten on top of her and made her have sex, and her wound dehissed, meaning it popped open. Not good. I guess I was fortunate for it to have happened at 4 or 5 weeks.) I ignored all of this. Shoved it away. Because it was unacceptable to acknowledge it and stay with him. When Tyler was just a year old, I went out one night with one of my best friends. We went to a concert, drank alot, and came home and crashed. This was like my sister, and it was not weird to be physically affectionate with her, or to sleep in the same bed with her. We had grown up together. By the end of the night he and her were pushing a three-some, and had already messed around that night, with me in the same bed not knowing he had felt her up and fingered her. Don't ask. Its called denial. I eventually was forced out of denial, asked her to leave, and lost my best friend. And the trust in my marriage. I ignored this too. When Tyler was very little,we had a huge fight in our apartment. He ended up breaking my hair dryer into a thousand pieces in a fit of rage, and when I confronted him yelling, standing up for myself, he looked at me square in the face and spit all over my face. I picked up the baby, got my purse, walked out the front door to a payphone, called my dad, and stayed with my mom for 5 days. After 5 days and an apology and a dozen red roses, I came back home. It was the only time he bought me flowers in our whole marriage. The fights continued. Sometimes violent, sometimes not. And I have a mouth on me, I know I wasn't blameless. I contributed. But I knew that someone hurting me was not ok. But I ignored it. I got pregnant again. About February of 1994. I didn't tell him for a week. Just wanted to secretly enjoy it myself for a little while. I was scared of my mother's reaction. And the fact that we had no money, he didnt have a good job, and he had no plans of doing anything else. By the time a week went by, I was having a stressful moment about it. We were fighting. I kept bitching about money and "what are you going to do with your life?", he wanted to know why I was in such a tizzy, I told him I was pregnant. He was actually nice right then, hugged me, told me it would be ok, but by the end of the conversation we were fighting again and he ended up calling me a "Fucking Whore" over and over. This was the beginning of that pregnancy. My little Sydney.
We lived with my parents then because he was in school. I had to drag him to prenatal classes, (which I loved), every pregnancy. On November 17, 1994 , and at 5 days past my due date, at 3 am I woke up from contractions. I waited 2 hours, they didn't go away. I tried to wake him up, to tell him I thought we needed to go to the hospital. He told me it probably wasn't anything. Most men have a bag waiting by the door, and are in a panic attack. He rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times. To no avail. My mom wanted to know if I was ok, a little after 5. I said I didn't know, but they were coming every 5 minutes. Finally I went in, woke him up and told he we NEEDED to go. He reluctantly got up, drove me to the hospital, and informed me they were just going to send me home. I stayed and had a baby. When Sydney was 6 months old I decided to dedicate her at my Baptist church. Nikki even came to be here for it. He knew it was very important to me and that we needed to be at church early. He went out with his friends that night, drinking and god knows what else. This was the time he was doing meth too, but I didn't know until later. I stayed up all night, with Nikki, waiting for him to come home, worried about him, thinking something had happened to him, hurt that he did this to me. He rolled in at 5. I was pissed, and the day started with a fight. We fought until we went to church. He was so pissed off that he drove us there at about 100 miles an hour, both kids in the car. After church it just got worse, the argument escalated. Nikki stayed out of the bedroom we were fighting in, and eventually came and got Tyler, who was almost 3, out of the room so he couldn't watch. We just kept fighting. I had to take Nikki to the airport in a few hours. Right before we had to leave, the argument reached its boiling point, and he picked me up by the neck, strangled me for a few minutes, then threw me up against the wall and left. I took Nikki to the airport. Both of us were quiet. Both in tears. She was so angry, and so scared and so sad for me. She was wondering if she would ever see me again. Me, ashamed and embarrassed, and so low. I will never forget saying goodbye to her that day. The next day Kirk and I talked. He told me he was sorry, like always, but that I just make him so angry sometimes that it made him "just want to shove my head into the ground." I knew what I had to do. I had had enough. This was the time the whole OJ trial was on. I had all those details and images in my head, and I kept thinking I was going to end up like Nicole Simpson. I actually feared for my life. The next day I went to the court and got a restraining order. I told Kirk I was leaving him. I told him not to come home. He lived in his car for a week. This restraing order was such an insult to him. He was so angry and depressed about it. He never violated it. A week later I got in the car to talk with him. I told him I would lift the order. But that I didn't want to live with him. The next day I went back to court and had it lifted, at the disapproval of the female judge. Before she lifted it, she took me into her office, sat me down and told me how much she thought it was the wrong thing to do. Made me look at all the reasons I had listed that I wanted it, all the violence, and stongly warned me, almost angry at me, but signed it and lifted it. Kirk moved back to Iowa. It was a very freeing time for me. I liked being alone. After 7 week I asked him to come back, because of medical insurance reasons for the kids. I had AHCCCS, Arizona's medicare, and he needed to be her if it was to continue. But I wasn't getting back together. I found him an apartment and we lived that way for awhile. I asked him to get counseling, but he never would. Eventually, things seemed better, and we moved back in. I had three requirements, that he not cuss at me and call me names, that he not hurt me, and that he have some plan for the future. In the next year, we bought our house, a dream come true, I never thought we would have one. It seemed that things had resolved. He kept his word for awhile. Little by little it went back though. He started taking classes to be an electrician. I was in nursing school. In January 1998 I got pregnant again. I thought we had fixed things. We now had a house, real medical insurance from his work, and were both in school, and had more money. My mom got cancer that year. While visiting her in the hospital one day, and being huge and house like at a week and 2 day past my due date I went into labor in my mom's hospital room. I called my doctor, they told me to go downstairs to ob and be checked. They decided to keep me. It was a Saturday. I called him to let him know. His response was," Are you sure, cause me and my brother had the day planned, we were going to the junkyard and look for parts." I told him the hospital itself was admitting me, my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and getting worse. He reluctantly changed his plans and came, but let me know that I had ruined the day with this brother. After about 10 hours of labor I had my Lyndsey. All 9 pounds 5 ounces of her. (So much for Tyler not fitting at 7 pound and a half pounds - stupid doctor.) Another year went by. I graduated as an RN in December of 1998, and took my board exam a couple months later. I started working at County in Labor and Delivery May of 1999. 8 years ago. This year went by. Over the last 10 years, I had grown numb. Ignoring this, ignoring everything. I died. Slowly. Little by little Barb died. I didn't draw anymore, like Stacey. I didn't write. I didn't have any interests. I didn't play the piano anymore. I never felt sexy. I never dressed up, never wore make-up, never went out. I didn't like sex. I never flirted. Between raising 3 kids and my marriage, I lost myself and I died. I was this zombie in limbo, with a heartbeat. I compared it to an experiment I learned about in high school. Where they put this frog in a pan of room temperature water. They put it over a very low fire. So low the frog never noticed it warming up. It got warmer and warmer, so subtely that the frog never noticed, until at last it was boiling and the frog was dead. A slow slow death. That was me. Years of not being allowed to use the hair dryer, because he couldn't hear the tv when I did. Years of not being allowed to watch The Cosby Show, because it was some stupid nigger show. Same with Oprah. Not allowing the kids to play in the sand, cause he hated sand, and not being able to have Easter grass in the easter baskets, because he hated that too. Always having to rush out of a restaurant because he was done eating, whether the kids or I was or not; at the buffet, he always got his food first while I sat with the kids, then I got the kids food, one by one, inbetween kids he would get his second and third helpings, and by the time I got my food he was ready to leave, and irritated if he had to sit there and wait for us to finish. Getting slack if I controlled the remote control. Getting yelled at if I opened my straw by hitting it on the table. He would never brush my hair, never sit by me on the couch at night, and for years had called me a fat whore, a fucking bitch. And a hundred other things. The water had boiled - I was dead. But then IT happened. May 15, 2000. It was Tyler's end of the year program for first grade. My first baby had finished 1st grade. i wanted pictures and more pictures. With my mom and dad, me me and Kirk, with his friends. Lots of pictures to remember. At the end of the program, it was kind of chaotic, everyone talking, getting ready to leave. I was trying to get things organized. And getting frustrated. Kirk just wanted to leave. Was getting impatient, wanted to get the hell out of there. Needless to say, people went home, Kirk pushed me to get home, and I didn't get the pictures I wanted. On the way home, something happened. I got madder and madder. Everything just kind of came to a head due to this. Its funny how being lied to or cheated on, or raped or hit or strangled didn't make me leave. But not getting my pictures. Something happened inside of me. I guess birth is often times traumatic and painful. Things are broken and ripped in order for a new life to be brought forth. Damage of one thing in order for another to be born. And this birth was no exception. On the way home I exploded. I remember driving in the dark, alongside the zoo on Van Buren and laying my fist into the side of his head over and over and over. It wasn't right. I will never say that is was. But it happened. We were both screaming, and cussing, me hitting him at the risk of crashing the car and killing us, kids and all. At that point, the only thing I could see was his ugly face, how much I hated him and how much I wanted to hurt him. He swerved over, tried to push me out of the car, but didn't. Then we drove silently home. I'm sure the kids were terrified. After that I was different. I quit talking to him. I'm sure he thought it was like any other of our horrible fights, and that it would blow over like it always did - that I would ignore again. But I didn't this time. I couldn't. Enough was enough. I maneuvered around the house, ignoring him this time. For days. He would try to talk to me, I wouldn't respond. And it was uplifting. It was freeing. I didn't make the decision to divorce right then, or to even leave, but I knew something was different. I think I knew deep inside, but it was too much to acknowledge it. About a week into it, I was in the bathtub. I had always wanted him to come in and talk to me before when I was in the bath, always asking him to. He never would, said it was to hot in there. So this time, I'm in there. He comes in and sits in the door way. "So, whats up? How are you? Wanna talk?" I looked at him. "You never wanted to talk to me before. So no, I don't want to talk to you anymore." Him-"What's wrong?" Me - "I don't know, but something is different. Something inside me." He went on his way that day. Thinking it was nothing. Thinking about it took too much energy. But it didn't go away. This is the way things stayed for a couple months. I lived a separate life. Stayed away. Saw a glimpse of myself. Probably didn't recognize me it had been so long. I know I didn't do things the right way after that. But that is all in the past. We had just bought our first computer. I got on it more and more, late at night. I found Mike there. This was someone that after months of talking to him online, and on the phone, while Kirk was asleep, we connected. I didn't care about doing things the right way anymore - where had it gotten me so far. I had found something good and wasn't going to give it up. A few days before I was to meet Mike in person I made the decision. Kirk was still living at home. I remember standing in the kitchen and telling him I wanted a divorce. He kind of blew it off. When I insisted I was serious, he called me a dumb bitch, and said, "whatever you want." The day before I left for California to meet Mike, I took off my wedding ring. I had never taken in off in 9 years. Over the next few weeks, the more obvious it was that I was serious the more irritated he got. Especially when he found out I was getting involved with someone else. I hadn't slept with Mike yet. I couldn't yet. Kirk refused to leave the house, saying I was the one with the problem, I'm the one that needed to go. This went on for awhile. It was unbearable living in the same house. I stayed across the alley most of the time at my mom's house. One day when it was bearable no longer, I went and arranged to move me and the kids into an apartment down the street. That same day, it was a pay day and I had been planning, I went to a different bank and started my own account and put my paycheck into it. I was approved for the apartment, a nice little 2 bedroom, nothing fancy, but beautiful because it was mine. I came home, ready to pack my things, told him I had the apartment and that I was moving tomorrow. He broke down, said fine, he would leave, that he didn't want his kids to have to leave their house. We both knew he couldn't afford the house payment at that time anyhow. So he left. The sweet sweet feeling that I had for the next few weeks was so wonderful. He was gone. Gone. It was over. I thought the kids would be sad, but they weren't. In fact things got better with them. Before I changed the locks, actually had my dad change the lock, he would come and go unannounced. Take things, be in the house. When he left I told him he could take watever he wanted. Couches, bed, tv, anything. I didn't care. And I felt for him. He had nothing. He would still come and go. It was like a power thing for him. I remember he came in one day, apparently horny. I was in the kitchen, ignoring him but being pleasant, and he started messing with me. I kept brushing him off, telling him to stop, but he picked me up, put me on the counter and tried to fuck me there. I resisted, and he didn't push. Another time, I had worked all night, came home and was sleeping. He came into the bedroom, crawled in bed, got on top of me and put it in and started having sex. Like so many times before, I just laid there, waiting for him to finish. And so for a second time, he raped me. But then I woke up a little and said no. I told him no and to get off. He said, "Come on Baby, one last time, for old times sake." This is when my dad changed the locks. I continued to be involved with Mike for about a year and a half. In the meantime started my divorce papers. The day before Sydneys birthday 2000, she was turning 7, I was having a party for her the next day. He came by, I wouldn't talk to him and locked the door. The window was open. We were cleaning. He went over to the window and started yelling at my mom. I tried to shut the window. He took it in his hands, violently forced it open and broke it. There was glass everywhere and Sydney was sad and scared. My dad came over, helped me clean up the glass, and repaired the window the next day. He worked so slow and patiently, cleaning out all the old window paste, and making the new paste so perfect. He worked for hours. I still have that window. It makes me cry when I think about my dad now. I got pregnant from Mike, while on the pill, in April of 2001. I broke things off with him a month later. My divorce was final July 6 of 2001. My Independence Day. I had to stand before the judge and answer that I was pregnant with someone elses baby. I was so nervous to be in court anyhow, and out of the whole room full of people there I had to go first. But it was over soon. I walked in there Barbara N, and walked out Barbara M - my maiden name. Nikki had sent me a little care package for my divorce. It had lotion, and a card, and some other things, and a $10 bill to go and buy something for me. I walked out of court, with my new name, my new baby in my tummy, and I went to a little cafe and had a sandwich with the money. Kirk continued to get angrier and meaner. He wouldn't give me any help with the kids, but I never asked for it. I knew I was able to make enough money. But in order to get a divorce hearing, child support had to be arranged whether I asked for it or not. He was ordered to pay me $100 a week for 3 kids. It is still the same today. I never asked for anything. It took about a year for the child support to be taken out of his check. The first time it was taken out he was so pissed. More pissed than I had ever seen him. I was probably about 6 months pregnant with Ryan. My whole pregnancy I lived in constant fear that he would not let me stay pregnant. He came over that day, wanting to talk. I could see in his eyes how angry he was. They had taken money from him, and he didn't even have groceries, and how was we going to survive. I stayed quiet, knowing how upset he was, and listened to him, but he just gotangrier and angrier. My mistake was opening the door. He endd up pulling me outside, grabbed me by the neck, picked me up off the ground, strangled me again, and threw me up against the front of the house, and held me there. 6 months pregnant. He eventually let go, I think scaring himself, knowing he would do something really bad if he stayed. He put me down, and left. He left a bruise on my arm. He would never keep a schedule of when he saw the kids. He said he didn't need to talk to me. He would just show up. I was 8 months pregnant, and one morning he showed up. Wanted the kids to get up, get in his car. He was extremely agitated and angry. Threatening me. My door was locked with a new lock, and I would not open the security door. The kids were terrified. I told him he could not take the kids anywhere when he was this angry, to leave, and he could see them tomorrow. He said if I wouldn't talk to him he would go start "trouble" at my parents house. They were not home. I knew this. I could feel the situation getting bad, and felt very helpless at 8 months pregnant. I did nothing to egg him on, but closed the door, went in my room and called 911. Sydney came to stand by me. Not because she was scared, but to protect me. I will always remember this. I was on the phone to 911 in the back bedroom, I heard movement in the house. He had come through my parents yard and into my yard, and broke in through the bathroom window. I saw him come down the hallway, and then he was standing in the bedroom doorway , just feet away from me, while I was still on the phone with the police. I remember telling them to please hurry because he had just broken in the house and was standing in the doorway starring at me. And I rememeber the crazed look in his eye. I have never ever been that scared in my life. I know it takes the cops at least 5 minutes to come. And all I could do was stand there. With Sydney by my side, and pregnant. He walked out, the cops came, the kids saw everything, and eventually he went away. That memory still does things to me though. Years later I even had to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom cause it was the way it was that day, and it reminded me of how he looked in the doorway. The next day, I went and got my second restraining order. This time I kept it. He did not violate it. I had Ryan January 18, 2002, a week after this whole thing happened. I had him alone, with the help of another co-worker who came to visit me. I had to put "no visitors" on my chart to make sure Kirk or Mike who were both angry and threatening to me at this point, didn't come to the hospital.
Somewhere around July I saw this guy at work. I instantly thought he was cute. He worked in the lab. He brushed past me one day. I got chills. I was still scared to really date anyone, didn't want to pursue anything, so admired him from afar. For a couple of months. My day was better if I even saw him somewhere. He was big, and handsome, and confident, and all guy. One day he came up to draw blood. And stopped at the nurses station and talked to me for about 20 minutes. I was in heaven. My friend Gina and I were talking one day some time later. About the cute guys at work. There were 3 I thought were cute. When I described them, he was the only one she couldn't place. All day long she tried to think and figure out who he was. We had basically given up. I walked to another floor for something. When I came back, I was approaching the nurses stating, and there he was, back to me, talking to her. My eyes got big, my blood pressure went up, and I waved so she could see me and mouthed the words "THATS HIM!!!" . I went and hid in a side room, like a little high school girl. She mentioned me to him, he walked past and glanced at me. Then left later. Gina decided to introduce us. I wanted to - but in a day or so. The next Monday, she called him up in the lab, told me I liked him, and told him to call me. He said he remembered who I was, and instantly called me up on the floor I was working on. I was totally not expecting it. I didn't even know what to say to him. He asked me how I was doing, and wanted to know if I wanted to go out. I said yes, and faked calmness. I hadn't had a date in 13 years. I didn't feel so well and took my blood pressure. It was 150s/90s.
Royce and I had our first date on September 2, 2002. And the rest is history. I never thought I would find someone either. I never thought I would be treated with respect, loved, or that I would find any kind of a life with anyone ever again. I had 4 kids, who would want me. Royce and I connected instantly, and magically. And the rest is history. It has had its hard moments, but it is still magical and we have been married 3 years. I had Cheyenne on April 1, 2004. Then decided no more babies. I have never had a relationship with anyone like this. Our first date was magical. The whole thing. He is the best man I know and I am so lucky to have him. So lucky that he loves me.
And after Kirk saw him, someone his same size and strength (actually more), Kirk never bothered me again.
I am writing today because of Stacey (http://www.iammelting.blogspot.com/). I read her post today and it took me back. I could have written it. I got married when I was 20. I loved him. We weren't in love, he would never let me that close. But I loved him. We were poor, had nothing of monetary value, and every single red flag that could have gone up was up - prior to getting married. Verbal abuse, physical abuse, rape, infidelity, drugs, lies, time spent in prison, lots of anger. And it was taken out on me. All this even before we got married. But I saw something in him that I thought was lovable, redeemable even in spite of all those other things. And I wasn't imagining it. There was something good there. Inside of him. I loved him and wanted to be with him. I, like all stupid youth, believed that love will conquer all. That even though other people had written him off, had rejected him, that I wouldn't. That I would stand by him and wanted to spend my life with him. So we left his world, I brought him to mine in Phoenix, and we got married and started a life. It's the little things that always bothered me. I guess the big things were too obvious and harder to accept that they were there. The rape is something that I still am dealing with. But winning. The wedding was already planned before he proposed - I got my "official" proposal about a month before, cause he hadn't got a ring yet. I knew he was getting it soon. One day we were sitting on the couch and he said, "here's your ring," and handed me a little box. I was supposed to be thrilled with this. But I ignored how it felt. And showed everyone my ring. I got a call one day from his "probabion officer" , who I didn't know existed, who informed me he was on probabion for drug posession, and when confronted about it he tells me he was actually in jail that night a month ago when he told me he was "pulling a double" at work. I ignored and forgave that too. Cause its the loving thing to do right? Nice way to start a marriage. We got married August 18, 1991. 2 months later I was pregnant with Tyler. I was thrilled. I always knew I would be a baby machine. He was happy I think. At least he wasn't angry about it. When I was 6 months pregnant he informed me that he had cheated on me when we were going out and living together back in Iowa. He had slept with some girl after one of our fights. I ignore this. When I was 22 weeks pregnant the doctors found something on my ultrasound. It was a choroid plexus cyst. A cyst in the ventricles of the baby's brain. I was not a nurse and knew nothing about nothing, and it was my first baby. It could mean nothing. But it could be an indication of Down's syndrome, or mental deficits. I was terrified. This was all dropped on me in one sitting. I called him at work and told him. His response was, "Well, can we take care of it?" meaning an abortion. No consolation, no we will get through this. Just can we get rid of the problem. Cause a handicapped child is so unacceptable, right? I had an amniocentesis to determine any abnormalities. But the results took 2 weeks to come back. I would then be 24 weeks. I would literally have hours to legally decide if I wanted to terminate. Before it even got that I knew what I would do. I knew I could never kill my child, no matter what was wrong with it. I would just deal with it. And hope for the best. Those were the 2 longest weeks of my life. Even though I had made up my mind, it was still very stressful. He was never angry about this decision, I actually think he just ignored the whole thing. But his first reaction always stayed with me. Everything was normal, and if you know Tyler he is extremely bright, very talented - I think even more musically talented than I was, good looking, and very popular. I'm glad I made my decision before I knew though. I had a c-section with Tyler. The doctor's told me he was too big and wouldn't fit. He was actually a month premature and 7 pounds 10 ounces, and would have fit nicely. But now I have a beautiful scar to remember it by. At the c-section he told me "They should have sucked out some fat while they were in there." And I was probably 125-130 after my surgery. And raved to my mother and family about how cool it was to see my abdomen splayed open. Tyler ended up being in the intensive care for 12 days due to respiratory distress, he couldn't breathe well enough, from being premature. All the stuff I know now, it just makes me sick how everything medially happened with Tyler. But that is past, and I have a beautiful child. I was now immediately post-op, with a huge incision, breast engorgment cause I couldn't nurse him, and my baby was taken away and was sick. I remembering just crying. And never wanting another child if it hurt this much. I asked him to stay the night with me. He said no, because it would be too uncomfortable to sleep there. I was high on Percocet, and just slept I guess. When I got home, I stayed with my mom. When he was there, instead of taking care of me and helping, he expected me to take care of him. Get him a glass of water, get him something to eat, go do this, go do that. I could barely walk without pain. But he was uncomfortable getting things for himself in my mom's house, so I should do it. I spent 12 days traveling back and forth to the NICU, sitting with Tyler, bringing in breast milk that I had pumped at home, and hoping. I didn't get to nurse him for 10 days, he was so unstable he couldn't be taken out of the isolette. It was probably the worst time of my whole life. We finally got to take him home. It was so scary but somehow Tyler survived. I was supposed to wait 6 weeks to have sex. Kirk wasn't that patient. I think it happened at about 4 or 5. (One time a patient at work came back a week after her c-section because her husband had gotten on top of her and made her have sex, and her wound dehissed, meaning it popped open. Not good. I guess I was fortunate for it to have happened at 4 or 5 weeks.) I ignored all of this. Shoved it away. Because it was unacceptable to acknowledge it and stay with him. When Tyler was just a year old, I went out one night with one of my best friends. We went to a concert, drank alot, and came home and crashed. This was like my sister, and it was not weird to be physically affectionate with her, or to sleep in the same bed with her. We had grown up together. By the end of the night he and her were pushing a three-some, and had already messed around that night, with me in the same bed not knowing he had felt her up and fingered her. Don't ask. Its called denial. I eventually was forced out of denial, asked her to leave, and lost my best friend. And the trust in my marriage. I ignored this too. When Tyler was very little,we had a huge fight in our apartment. He ended up breaking my hair dryer into a thousand pieces in a fit of rage, and when I confronted him yelling, standing up for myself, he looked at me square in the face and spit all over my face. I picked up the baby, got my purse, walked out the front door to a payphone, called my dad, and stayed with my mom for 5 days. After 5 days and an apology and a dozen red roses, I came back home. It was the only time he bought me flowers in our whole marriage. The fights continued. Sometimes violent, sometimes not. And I have a mouth on me, I know I wasn't blameless. I contributed. But I knew that someone hurting me was not ok. But I ignored it. I got pregnant again. About February of 1994. I didn't tell him for a week. Just wanted to secretly enjoy it myself for a little while. I was scared of my mother's reaction. And the fact that we had no money, he didnt have a good job, and he had no plans of doing anything else. By the time a week went by, I was having a stressful moment about it. We were fighting. I kept bitching about money and "what are you going to do with your life?", he wanted to know why I was in such a tizzy, I told him I was pregnant. He was actually nice right then, hugged me, told me it would be ok, but by the end of the conversation we were fighting again and he ended up calling me a "Fucking Whore" over and over. This was the beginning of that pregnancy. My little Sydney.
We lived with my parents then because he was in school. I had to drag him to prenatal classes, (which I loved), every pregnancy. On November 17, 1994 , and at 5 days past my due date, at 3 am I woke up from contractions. I waited 2 hours, they didn't go away. I tried to wake him up, to tell him I thought we needed to go to the hospital. He told me it probably wasn't anything. Most men have a bag waiting by the door, and are in a panic attack. He rolled over and went back to sleep. I tried to wake him several times. To no avail. My mom wanted to know if I was ok, a little after 5. I said I didn't know, but they were coming every 5 minutes. Finally I went in, woke him up and told he we NEEDED to go. He reluctantly got up, drove me to the hospital, and informed me they were just going to send me home. I stayed and had a baby. When Sydney was 6 months old I decided to dedicate her at my Baptist church. Nikki even came to be here for it. He knew it was very important to me and that we needed to be at church early. He went out with his friends that night, drinking and god knows what else. This was the time he was doing meth too, but I didn't know until later. I stayed up all night, with Nikki, waiting for him to come home, worried about him, thinking something had happened to him, hurt that he did this to me. He rolled in at 5. I was pissed, and the day started with a fight. We fought until we went to church. He was so pissed off that he drove us there at about 100 miles an hour, both kids in the car. After church it just got worse, the argument escalated. Nikki stayed out of the bedroom we were fighting in, and eventually came and got Tyler, who was almost 3, out of the room so he couldn't watch. We just kept fighting. I had to take Nikki to the airport in a few hours. Right before we had to leave, the argument reached its boiling point, and he picked me up by the neck, strangled me for a few minutes, then threw me up against the wall and left. I took Nikki to the airport. Both of us were quiet. Both in tears. She was so angry, and so scared and so sad for me. She was wondering if she would ever see me again. Me, ashamed and embarrassed, and so low. I will never forget saying goodbye to her that day. The next day Kirk and I talked. He told me he was sorry, like always, but that I just make him so angry sometimes that it made him "just want to shove my head into the ground." I knew what I had to do. I had had enough. This was the time the whole OJ trial was on. I had all those details and images in my head, and I kept thinking I was going to end up like Nicole Simpson. I actually feared for my life. The next day I went to the court and got a restraining order. I told Kirk I was leaving him. I told him not to come home. He lived in his car for a week. This restraing order was such an insult to him. He was so angry and depressed about it. He never violated it. A week later I got in the car to talk with him. I told him I would lift the order. But that I didn't want to live with him. The next day I went back to court and had it lifted, at the disapproval of the female judge. Before she lifted it, she took me into her office, sat me down and told me how much she thought it was the wrong thing to do. Made me look at all the reasons I had listed that I wanted it, all the violence, and stongly warned me, almost angry at me, but signed it and lifted it. Kirk moved back to Iowa. It was a very freeing time for me. I liked being alone. After 7 week I asked him to come back, because of medical insurance reasons for the kids. I had AHCCCS, Arizona's medicare, and he needed to be her if it was to continue. But I wasn't getting back together. I found him an apartment and we lived that way for awhile. I asked him to get counseling, but he never would. Eventually, things seemed better, and we moved back in. I had three requirements, that he not cuss at me and call me names, that he not hurt me, and that he have some plan for the future. In the next year, we bought our house, a dream come true, I never thought we would have one. It seemed that things had resolved. He kept his word for awhile. Little by little it went back though. He started taking classes to be an electrician. I was in nursing school. In January 1998 I got pregnant again. I thought we had fixed things. We now had a house, real medical insurance from his work, and were both in school, and had more money. My mom got cancer that year. While visiting her in the hospital one day, and being huge and house like at a week and 2 day past my due date I went into labor in my mom's hospital room. I called my doctor, they told me to go downstairs to ob and be checked. They decided to keep me. It was a Saturday. I called him to let him know. His response was," Are you sure, cause me and my brother had the day planned, we were going to the junkyard and look for parts." I told him the hospital itself was admitting me, my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and getting worse. He reluctantly changed his plans and came, but let me know that I had ruined the day with this brother. After about 10 hours of labor I had my Lyndsey. All 9 pounds 5 ounces of her. (So much for Tyler not fitting at 7 pound and a half pounds - stupid doctor.) Another year went by. I graduated as an RN in December of 1998, and took my board exam a couple months later. I started working at County in Labor and Delivery May of 1999. 8 years ago. This year went by. Over the last 10 years, I had grown numb. Ignoring this, ignoring everything. I died. Slowly. Little by little Barb died. I didn't draw anymore, like Stacey. I didn't write. I didn't have any interests. I didn't play the piano anymore. I never felt sexy. I never dressed up, never wore make-up, never went out. I didn't like sex. I never flirted. Between raising 3 kids and my marriage, I lost myself and I died. I was this zombie in limbo, with a heartbeat. I compared it to an experiment I learned about in high school. Where they put this frog in a pan of room temperature water. They put it over a very low fire. So low the frog never noticed it warming up. It got warmer and warmer, so subtely that the frog never noticed, until at last it was boiling and the frog was dead. A slow slow death. That was me. Years of not being allowed to use the hair dryer, because he couldn't hear the tv when I did. Years of not being allowed to watch The Cosby Show, because it was some stupid nigger show. Same with Oprah. Not allowing the kids to play in the sand, cause he hated sand, and not being able to have Easter grass in the easter baskets, because he hated that too. Always having to rush out of a restaurant because he was done eating, whether the kids or I was or not; at the buffet, he always got his food first while I sat with the kids, then I got the kids food, one by one, inbetween kids he would get his second and third helpings, and by the time I got my food he was ready to leave, and irritated if he had to sit there and wait for us to finish. Getting slack if I controlled the remote control. Getting yelled at if I opened my straw by hitting it on the table. He would never brush my hair, never sit by me on the couch at night, and for years had called me a fat whore, a fucking bitch. And a hundred other things. The water had boiled - I was dead. But then IT happened. May 15, 2000. It was Tyler's end of the year program for first grade. My first baby had finished 1st grade. i wanted pictures and more pictures. With my mom and dad, me me and Kirk, with his friends. Lots of pictures to remember. At the end of the program, it was kind of chaotic, everyone talking, getting ready to leave. I was trying to get things organized. And getting frustrated. Kirk just wanted to leave. Was getting impatient, wanted to get the hell out of there. Needless to say, people went home, Kirk pushed me to get home, and I didn't get the pictures I wanted. On the way home, something happened. I got madder and madder. Everything just kind of came to a head due to this. Its funny how being lied to or cheated on, or raped or hit or strangled didn't make me leave. But not getting my pictures. Something happened inside of me. I guess birth is often times traumatic and painful. Things are broken and ripped in order for a new life to be brought forth. Damage of one thing in order for another to be born. And this birth was no exception. On the way home I exploded. I remember driving in the dark, alongside the zoo on Van Buren and laying my fist into the side of his head over and over and over. It wasn't right. I will never say that is was. But it happened. We were both screaming, and cussing, me hitting him at the risk of crashing the car and killing us, kids and all. At that point, the only thing I could see was his ugly face, how much I hated him and how much I wanted to hurt him. He swerved over, tried to push me out of the car, but didn't. Then we drove silently home. I'm sure the kids were terrified. After that I was different. I quit talking to him. I'm sure he thought it was like any other of our horrible fights, and that it would blow over like it always did - that I would ignore again. But I didn't this time. I couldn't. Enough was enough. I maneuvered around the house, ignoring him this time. For days. He would try to talk to me, I wouldn't respond. And it was uplifting. It was freeing. I didn't make the decision to divorce right then, or to even leave, but I knew something was different. I think I knew deep inside, but it was too much to acknowledge it. About a week into it, I was in the bathtub. I had always wanted him to come in and talk to me before when I was in the bath, always asking him to. He never would, said it was to hot in there. So this time, I'm in there. He comes in and sits in the door way. "So, whats up? How are you? Wanna talk?" I looked at him. "You never wanted to talk to me before. So no, I don't want to talk to you anymore." Him-"What's wrong?" Me - "I don't know, but something is different. Something inside me." He went on his way that day. Thinking it was nothing. Thinking about it took too much energy. But it didn't go away. This is the way things stayed for a couple months. I lived a separate life. Stayed away. Saw a glimpse of myself. Probably didn't recognize me it had been so long. I know I didn't do things the right way after that. But that is all in the past. We had just bought our first computer. I got on it more and more, late at night. I found Mike there. This was someone that after months of talking to him online, and on the phone, while Kirk was asleep, we connected. I didn't care about doing things the right way anymore - where had it gotten me so far. I had found something good and wasn't going to give it up. A few days before I was to meet Mike in person I made the decision. Kirk was still living at home. I remember standing in the kitchen and telling him I wanted a divorce. He kind of blew it off. When I insisted I was serious, he called me a dumb bitch, and said, "whatever you want." The day before I left for California to meet Mike, I took off my wedding ring. I had never taken in off in 9 years. Over the next few weeks, the more obvious it was that I was serious the more irritated he got. Especially when he found out I was getting involved with someone else. I hadn't slept with Mike yet. I couldn't yet. Kirk refused to leave the house, saying I was the one with the problem, I'm the one that needed to go. This went on for awhile. It was unbearable living in the same house. I stayed across the alley most of the time at my mom's house. One day when it was bearable no longer, I went and arranged to move me and the kids into an apartment down the street. That same day, it was a pay day and I had been planning, I went to a different bank and started my own account and put my paycheck into it. I was approved for the apartment, a nice little 2 bedroom, nothing fancy, but beautiful because it was mine. I came home, ready to pack my things, told him I had the apartment and that I was moving tomorrow. He broke down, said fine, he would leave, that he didn't want his kids to have to leave their house. We both knew he couldn't afford the house payment at that time anyhow. So he left. The sweet sweet feeling that I had for the next few weeks was so wonderful. He was gone. Gone. It was over. I thought the kids would be sad, but they weren't. In fact things got better with them. Before I changed the locks, actually had my dad change the lock, he would come and go unannounced. Take things, be in the house. When he left I told him he could take watever he wanted. Couches, bed, tv, anything. I didn't care. And I felt for him. He had nothing. He would still come and go. It was like a power thing for him. I remember he came in one day, apparently horny. I was in the kitchen, ignoring him but being pleasant, and he started messing with me. I kept brushing him off, telling him to stop, but he picked me up, put me on the counter and tried to fuck me there. I resisted, and he didn't push. Another time, I had worked all night, came home and was sleeping. He came into the bedroom, crawled in bed, got on top of me and put it in and started having sex. Like so many times before, I just laid there, waiting for him to finish. And so for a second time, he raped me. But then I woke up a little and said no. I told him no and to get off. He said, "Come on Baby, one last time, for old times sake." This is when my dad changed the locks. I continued to be involved with Mike for about a year and a half. In the meantime started my divorce papers. The day before Sydneys birthday 2000, she was turning 7, I was having a party for her the next day. He came by, I wouldn't talk to him and locked the door. The window was open. We were cleaning. He went over to the window and started yelling at my mom. I tried to shut the window. He took it in his hands, violently forced it open and broke it. There was glass everywhere and Sydney was sad and scared. My dad came over, helped me clean up the glass, and repaired the window the next day. He worked so slow and patiently, cleaning out all the old window paste, and making the new paste so perfect. He worked for hours. I still have that window. It makes me cry when I think about my dad now. I got pregnant from Mike, while on the pill, in April of 2001. I broke things off with him a month later. My divorce was final July 6 of 2001. My Independence Day. I had to stand before the judge and answer that I was pregnant with someone elses baby. I was so nervous to be in court anyhow, and out of the whole room full of people there I had to go first. But it was over soon. I walked in there Barbara N, and walked out Barbara M - my maiden name. Nikki had sent me a little care package for my divorce. It had lotion, and a card, and some other things, and a $10 bill to go and buy something for me. I walked out of court, with my new name, my new baby in my tummy, and I went to a little cafe and had a sandwich with the money. Kirk continued to get angrier and meaner. He wouldn't give me any help with the kids, but I never asked for it. I knew I was able to make enough money. But in order to get a divorce hearing, child support had to be arranged whether I asked for it or not. He was ordered to pay me $100 a week for 3 kids. It is still the same today. I never asked for anything. It took about a year for the child support to be taken out of his check. The first time it was taken out he was so pissed. More pissed than I had ever seen him. I was probably about 6 months pregnant with Ryan. My whole pregnancy I lived in constant fear that he would not let me stay pregnant. He came over that day, wanting to talk. I could see in his eyes how angry he was. They had taken money from him, and he didn't even have groceries, and how was we going to survive. I stayed quiet, knowing how upset he was, and listened to him, but he just gotangrier and angrier. My mistake was opening the door. He endd up pulling me outside, grabbed me by the neck, picked me up off the ground, strangled me again, and threw me up against the front of the house, and held me there. 6 months pregnant. He eventually let go, I think scaring himself, knowing he would do something really bad if he stayed. He put me down, and left. He left a bruise on my arm. He would never keep a schedule of when he saw the kids. He said he didn't need to talk to me. He would just show up. I was 8 months pregnant, and one morning he showed up. Wanted the kids to get up, get in his car. He was extremely agitated and angry. Threatening me. My door was locked with a new lock, and I would not open the security door. The kids were terrified. I told him he could not take the kids anywhere when he was this angry, to leave, and he could see them tomorrow. He said if I wouldn't talk to him he would go start "trouble" at my parents house. They were not home. I knew this. I could feel the situation getting bad, and felt very helpless at 8 months pregnant. I did nothing to egg him on, but closed the door, went in my room and called 911. Sydney came to stand by me. Not because she was scared, but to protect me. I will always remember this. I was on the phone to 911 in the back bedroom, I heard movement in the house. He had come through my parents yard and into my yard, and broke in through the bathroom window. I saw him come down the hallway, and then he was standing in the bedroom doorway , just feet away from me, while I was still on the phone with the police. I remember telling them to please hurry because he had just broken in the house and was standing in the doorway starring at me. And I rememeber the crazed look in his eye. I have never ever been that scared in my life. I know it takes the cops at least 5 minutes to come. And all I could do was stand there. With Sydney by my side, and pregnant. He walked out, the cops came, the kids saw everything, and eventually he went away. That memory still does things to me though. Years later I even had to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom cause it was the way it was that day, and it reminded me of how he looked in the doorway. The next day, I went and got my second restraining order. This time I kept it. He did not violate it. I had Ryan January 18, 2002, a week after this whole thing happened. I had him alone, with the help of another co-worker who came to visit me. I had to put "no visitors" on my chart to make sure Kirk or Mike who were both angry and threatening to me at this point, didn't come to the hospital.
Somewhere around July I saw this guy at work. I instantly thought he was cute. He worked in the lab. He brushed past me one day. I got chills. I was still scared to really date anyone, didn't want to pursue anything, so admired him from afar. For a couple of months. My day was better if I even saw him somewhere. He was big, and handsome, and confident, and all guy. One day he came up to draw blood. And stopped at the nurses station and talked to me for about 20 minutes. I was in heaven. My friend Gina and I were talking one day some time later. About the cute guys at work. There were 3 I thought were cute. When I described them, he was the only one she couldn't place. All day long she tried to think and figure out who he was. We had basically given up. I walked to another floor for something. When I came back, I was approaching the nurses stating, and there he was, back to me, talking to her. My eyes got big, my blood pressure went up, and I waved so she could see me and mouthed the words "THATS HIM!!!" . I went and hid in a side room, like a little high school girl. She mentioned me to him, he walked past and glanced at me. Then left later. Gina decided to introduce us. I wanted to - but in a day or so. The next Monday, she called him up in the lab, told me I liked him, and told him to call me. He said he remembered who I was, and instantly called me up on the floor I was working on. I was totally not expecting it. I didn't even know what to say to him. He asked me how I was doing, and wanted to know if I wanted to go out. I said yes, and faked calmness. I hadn't had a date in 13 years. I didn't feel so well and took my blood pressure. It was 150s/90s.
Royce and I had our first date on September 2, 2002. And the rest is history. I never thought I would find someone either. I never thought I would be treated with respect, loved, or that I would find any kind of a life with anyone ever again. I had 4 kids, who would want me. Royce and I connected instantly, and magically. And the rest is history. It has had its hard moments, but it is still magical and we have been married 3 years. I had Cheyenne on April 1, 2004. Then decided no more babies. I have never had a relationship with anyone like this. Our first date was magical. The whole thing. He is the best man I know and I am so lucky to have him. So lucky that he loves me.
And after Kirk saw him, someone his same size and strength (actually more), Kirk never bothered me again.
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Food today: Cottage cheese and oranges...............340 Soup..........................................................240
Chicken......................................................400
Yogurt........................................................100
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Total.........................................................1080
Did circuit workout today, did 60 swings and a jogged 0.8 mile.
Chicken......................................................400
Yogurt........................................................100
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Total.........................................................1080
Did circuit workout today, did 60 swings and a jogged 0.8 mile.
I'd Rather Have a Bottle In Front of Me
Did my 90 swings last night. Then proceeded to have a whole bottle of wine. I guess its good that I didn't eat much. I drank my dinner. And it was a sweet wine, which apparently has a little less calories in it, thats probably why I feel so shitty now though. The scale is depressing me. I have to work tonight. Will sleep some. Then workout and ride to work, hung-over or not (actually its not that bad). What's bad is the sleep I got last night. Went to bed at 4:30. Time well spent again though.
I desperately need glasses. My eyes are so bad that when I wake up I can't even see the computer screen. And I can't even read things anytime of the day at a normal 1 1/2 feet away. Its bad. I strain and strain. Still waiting for insurance cards. Then I will go to the doctor for that too. Getting old sucks ass.
Jenn took a body shot of me at work the other night and sent it too me. So here it is. Royce said I actually look thinner in the picture than I really am so take that into consideration. I'm apparently fatter than the picture (thanks honey, love you too). I'm standing in the back of OB triage.
I desperately need glasses. My eyes are so bad that when I wake up I can't even see the computer screen. And I can't even read things anytime of the day at a normal 1 1/2 feet away. Its bad. I strain and strain. Still waiting for insurance cards. Then I will go to the doctor for that too. Getting old sucks ass.
Jenn took a body shot of me at work the other night and sent it too me. So here it is. Royce said I actually look thinner in the picture than I really am so take that into consideration. I'm apparently fatter than the picture (thanks honey, love you too). I'm standing in the back of OB triage.
So new total for yesterday:
Food ....260, Wine....531 = 791
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Suffocating
Slept all of today. Got up half way to pee, then found myself on the internet reading about that shooting at VT. Sometimes its just overwhelming for me. I get to the point where I want to sacrifice whatever compassion and feelings I have about bad things - for not knowing, for not feeling, for being indifferent and ignoring such things and never turning the news on. To be completely unaware of what is going on in the world. Just because it overwhelms me after awhile. There is nothing I can do about it, so why know about it? Stay in my own little world. To become one of those unfeeling people, because it is suffocating to feel. Am I the only one who feels like this?
So I went back to bed.
Rode my bike for about 40 minutes, came home made stirfry and chicken.
Food today:
Stirfry............................ 0 (nothing counted, it was broccoli, redicio(sp?), and spinach)
Chicken.........................200
Barbecue sauce.................60
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Total so far.....................260 (wow, not much)
I probably should eat something else, but it is midnight. I think I'm going to go work out, and then spend some time with Royce. Maybe get my yoga video out. I lied, I did get on the scale today. Shouldn't have. 175. Thanks Heather for noticing that I lost weight. It is going to get a whole lot more noticible. Matt's sister Marisa has a digital camera that I can take pictures with and put on here. He may bring it over tomorrow. When he does I am going to put a body shot on here. I also still have (one of my most valuable posessions) a photograph of me when was 18 or 19. Me and Stephanie were fooling around one night when she stayed over, I was dressing up (or "undressing" up) and taking pictures. There was probably something in my head that said, "You better take a picture, you will NEVER look like this again". I've always kept it. Probably the best picture I have taken. I love this picture. When I've showed it to people in my adult life (Hey, look what I used to look like) - they are like totally floored. I'm going to try and take a picture of it too, and put it on here. It kinda should have an NC-17 rating, so beware. I will get back to that. Its almost 20 years later, but I will get it back.
So I went back to bed.
Rode my bike for about 40 minutes, came home made stirfry and chicken.
Food today:
Stirfry............................ 0 (nothing counted, it was broccoli, redicio(sp?), and spinach)
Chicken.........................200
Barbecue sauce.................60
-----------------------------------------------------
Total so far.....................260 (wow, not much)
I probably should eat something else, but it is midnight. I think I'm going to go work out, and then spend some time with Royce. Maybe get my yoga video out. I lied, I did get on the scale today. Shouldn't have. 175. Thanks Heather for noticing that I lost weight. It is going to get a whole lot more noticible. Matt's sister Marisa has a digital camera that I can take pictures with and put on here. He may bring it over tomorrow. When he does I am going to put a body shot on here. I also still have (one of my most valuable posessions) a photograph of me when was 18 or 19. Me and Stephanie were fooling around one night when she stayed over, I was dressing up (or "undressing" up) and taking pictures. There was probably something in my head that said, "You better take a picture, you will NEVER look like this again". I've always kept it. Probably the best picture I have taken. I love this picture. When I've showed it to people in my adult life (Hey, look what I used to look like) - they are like totally floored. I'm going to try and take a picture of it too, and put it on here. It kinda should have an NC-17 rating, so beware. I will get back to that. Its almost 20 years later, but I will get it back.
Anime
I love this picture:
(so much that I put it on the sidebar)
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Don't like this picture so much:
It was taken probably last April. I love it cause it shows how much Royce loves me, and how happy I am that he does. But I hate how I look. Nice belly roll showing. (My boobs look so small, whats up with that? The camera really does lie). I don't want to have to cross my arms anymore because I am self-conscious about my belly. I probably weigh about the same there, 175, as I do now. When my dad died in September I got up to a disgusting 190. At 5'3.
When I do accomplish this, I'm going to take a duplicate picture in the same place. Only I will look much better.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Early Cheat Day
Having a hungry day. Weighed myself this morning, after hardly eating and exercizing, and was 175. Almost got hit by a car on my bike ride home, and in the process of avoiding being hit fucked up my bike chain by epileptically breaking, (I'm sure that looked graceful), so that cut my bike ride short. Broke down, had some wine and a Little Debbie when I got home finally (I don't even LIKE Little Debbies). I'm not gonna freak, just gonna count it. Didn't weigh myself when I woke up, scared to. Only got like 4 hours sleep, cause stupid me played on the computer for a few hours. Then I felt the urge to surprise Royce with a BJ. Time well spent, but now I'm tired at work. Still hungry (yes, even after Royce, lol) so got a turkey sub on the way to work.
So far:
Wine ...........................600
Little Debbie..................380
Sub..............................750
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So far.........................1730
Yikes.
I know thats enough already, but I know I'm gonna want some chocolate. I may just make this my cheat day.
(8 hours later)
Definately my cheat day.
3/4 personal pizza........who knows, maybe 600
Hershey Bar...............................maybe 400
Large red soda...........................maybe 400
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Total.............................................3130
And I counted the calories before I went to sleep this morning, which I don't usually do.
I just got home, it is 4:12 am, it was slow and I got sent home early. And I know I'm going to have some wine now. So 3130 plus. I guess it could be worse. But I had been craving pizza for a few days, and I think I got it out of my system. And I couldn't even finish the pizza, I left a slice. It was too much. I started feeling that way at 2 pieces, but decided I would go ahead with the 3rd. And it was that way with the candy bar too. 3/4 is all I could eat. I threw the rest away. Hopefully the cravings are out of my system for about a week, and I will have my wine right now, go to sleep, and when I wake up start my eating good again for a week. Back to my soup, and cottage cheese, and yogurt and chicken. And I will work really hard tomorrow, and for the next week. Not getting on the scale for a few days.
I am not working tonight. Julia needed an extra shift, and I am hogging all the extra shifts, so I took myself off so she can work tonight. It will be nice to see the kids and have a day off and be able to clean up around here a little, and just watch tv or something. I haven't been home or really seen anyone here for 3 days/nights.
I got to see Heather last night. I haven't seen her since my party. We had lunch together and a smoke break together. If you are reading this Heather, I miss you!!! Glad we got to talk. Sorry if I monopolized the conversation, I had to tell you what happened. And got to work with Martin, Jenn, and Kris. Its always a good night when good people are on. I told Martin he was my "bitch" last night - I was training him to triage.
Royce is over there sleeping with Cheyenne right now. He woke up to unlock the door for me, then crashed again. I'm gonna go lay by them.
So far:
Wine ...........................600
Little Debbie..................380
Sub..............................750
-------------------------------------------------
So far.........................1730
Yikes.
I know thats enough already, but I know I'm gonna want some chocolate. I may just make this my cheat day.
(8 hours later)
Definately my cheat day.
3/4 personal pizza........who knows, maybe 600
Hershey Bar...............................maybe 400
Large red soda...........................maybe 400
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Total.............................................3130
And I counted the calories before I went to sleep this morning, which I don't usually do.
I just got home, it is 4:12 am, it was slow and I got sent home early. And I know I'm going to have some wine now. So 3130 plus. I guess it could be worse. But I had been craving pizza for a few days, and I think I got it out of my system. And I couldn't even finish the pizza, I left a slice. It was too much. I started feeling that way at 2 pieces, but decided I would go ahead with the 3rd. And it was that way with the candy bar too. 3/4 is all I could eat. I threw the rest away. Hopefully the cravings are out of my system for about a week, and I will have my wine right now, go to sleep, and when I wake up start my eating good again for a week. Back to my soup, and cottage cheese, and yogurt and chicken. And I will work really hard tomorrow, and for the next week. Not getting on the scale for a few days.
I am not working tonight. Julia needed an extra shift, and I am hogging all the extra shifts, so I took myself off so she can work tonight. It will be nice to see the kids and have a day off and be able to clean up around here a little, and just watch tv or something. I haven't been home or really seen anyone here for 3 days/nights.
I got to see Heather last night. I haven't seen her since my party. We had lunch together and a smoke break together. If you are reading this Heather, I miss you!!! Glad we got to talk. Sorry if I monopolized the conversation, I had to tell you what happened. And got to work with Martin, Jenn, and Kris. Its always a good night when good people are on. I told Martin he was my "bitch" last night - I was training him to triage.
Royce is over there sleeping with Cheyenne right now. He woke up to unlock the door for me, then crashed again. I'm gonna go lay by them.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
If I Had A Swing Like That............
Food today:
Soup.....................................240
Cottage cheese........................180
Chicken.................................450
Barbeque sauce........................180
-------------------------------------------------
Total.....................................1050
I remember one time in high school, I was either a sophomore or a junior, I was walking down the hallway of the music department. As I walked past Mr. K, he goes "If I had a swing like that I would hang it in my backyard." Ahhh............the memories. To be 16 and distract your teacher.
Rode my bike to work. Wind was against me the whole way. Sucked. I think I did good on my calories today. Going to ride my bike home from work too. Going to attempt to do swings after I get home. I had a huge urge to eat french fries tonight. And I resisted. The urge didn't last too long. But its the first craving/urge that I've had for awhile. I hate that. I know I won't always be that strong. Boy did they smell good,though. Then I think about the Almighty Scale, and well, resisted. Everytime I get a craving, or start feeling like not moving, or start finding reasons not to move, I think of her. And it all goes away. POOF. Its going to kind of piss me off if this ends up being the thing that finally got me moving and changing. I'll be happy with the results, but it will kind of piss me off a little, at myself. I can see her face now - among other things.
Gonna do those swings. Swings to help my swing.
Soup.....................................240
Cottage cheese........................180
Chicken.................................450
Barbeque sauce........................180
-------------------------------------------------
Total.....................................1050
I remember one time in high school, I was either a sophomore or a junior, I was walking down the hallway of the music department. As I walked past Mr. K, he goes "If I had a swing like that I would hang it in my backyard." Ahhh............the memories. To be 16 and distract your teacher.
Rode my bike to work. Wind was against me the whole way. Sucked. I think I did good on my calories today. Going to ride my bike home from work too. Going to attempt to do swings after I get home. I had a huge urge to eat french fries tonight. And I resisted. The urge didn't last too long. But its the first craving/urge that I've had for awhile. I hate that. I know I won't always be that strong. Boy did they smell good,though. Then I think about the Almighty Scale, and well, resisted. Everytime I get a craving, or start feeling like not moving, or start finding reasons not to move, I think of her. And it all goes away. POOF. Its going to kind of piss me off if this ends up being the thing that finally got me moving and changing. I'll be happy with the results, but it will kind of piss me off a little, at myself. I can see her face now - among other things.
Gonna do those swings. Swings to help my swing.
172.8 when I woke up.
I know Nikki, I'm being obsessive about the scale. I always do . You are right. But I know me and what I'm going to do. Sometimes its the motivation I need to get throught the day. I know there will be fluxuations. I just don't like them.
I'm going to do this.
I know Nikki, I'm being obsessive about the scale. I always do . You are right. But I know me and what I'm going to do. Sometimes its the motivation I need to get throught the day. I know there will be fluxuations. I just don't like them.
I'm going to do this.
Sisters
I have another sister. Peggy is the sister I grew up with who is moving. My other sister is Tara. We didn't grow up together, we are 12 years apart, I didn't meet her till I was 18, and we don't even know each other, but we share the same genetic material. We are full sisters. We were never given a chance to be sisters. The past was totally out of our control and is unchangeable, yet somewhat unfair. But what is done is done. We are both all grown up now, and have our own kids. I found her on MySpace awhile ago. Asked her to friend me. Last night I got a message saying she wanted to friend me.
I am so excited.
I am so excited.
Long Road Home
Was 174.0 when I got home this morning. So we will see what it is when I wake up this afternoon. Rode my bike home. The ride to work last night was easy. Easier than it has ever been. The ride home was hard. It always is - after working all night. But I did it.
Had a schitzophrenic, bipolar patient last night, who had 3 distinct personalities - with whom she would have entire conversations with outloud, who is 23 weeks pregnant, who was brought in after a psychotic episode. The night before she was put in retraints by security (soft wrist), and chemical restraints by the nurses ( IV Haldol). And you could hear when it was a different person talking. And get this, she was her own boyfriend - one of the personalities was her boyfriend. Now wouldn't that come in handy girls? I can do vagina, and meconium, and throw up, and blood, and amniotic fluid, and even dead babies. But you can't just stick your fingers in someone's psyche and see how "dilated" they are. I could never work Psyche. I would be admitted. Give me vaginas - comfort zone is the vagina.
Only at County.
Poor baby.
Had a schitzophrenic, bipolar patient last night, who had 3 distinct personalities - with whom she would have entire conversations with outloud, who is 23 weeks pregnant, who was brought in after a psychotic episode. The night before she was put in retraints by security (soft wrist), and chemical restraints by the nurses ( IV Haldol). And you could hear when it was a different person talking. And get this, she was her own boyfriend - one of the personalities was her boyfriend. Now wouldn't that come in handy girls? I can do vagina, and meconium, and throw up, and blood, and amniotic fluid, and even dead babies. But you can't just stick your fingers in someone's psyche and see how "dilated" they are. I could never work Psyche. I would be admitted. Give me vaginas - comfort zone is the vagina.
Only at County.
Poor baby.
Starting to Feel Better
Did 80 swings with my kettlebell. Rode my bike to work. Am eating good things. My scrubs are a smaller size, and I wore a dress the other day that I haven't been able to wear. I can feel myself moving differently, even though other people can't yet, and I already feel better all over. And this is after just the first week.
Stir fry with red wine vinagarette not so good. Won't make again. Also, yogurt mistakenly bought with Splenda not so good. Yuk.
I know I am under my calories, severely today, but I'm just not hungry. I'm sure this will change. Its nice to not have to fight my cravings for once.
Food today:
Stir fry...........................................0
Chicken breast, cooked.....................210
Yogurt, blueberry............................100
Yogurt, strawberry...........................100
Strawberries, 8................................50
------------------------------------------------------------
Total............................................460
I will eat more tomorrow.
We saw "300" yesterday. Totally a guy flick, but I liked it better than I thought I would. For all the same reasons that I loved "Sin City". I love Frank Miller's mind. He does seem to have a strange obsession with decapitation however. And due to my high quality Adventist education, World History was never available much less required, and I didn't even know it was a true story. Or the significance that the battle had on history, and our lives today. Royce loved it. I thought he was gonna go punch something or someone, or just run around screaming with a javelin or something, grunting like Tim Allen. Very primal. He said its what it is like to be in a guy's head - all the time. Royce had like complete testosterone overload, even more than usual. When I learned it was a true story (thanks Thunderbird - my parent's money well spent) I actually liked it more. I felt like I learned something. Something important. I would highly recommend it, but not for the faint of heart, or the queasy of stomach. I actually almost left a couple of times it was so graphic. Hands down the most violent movie I have ever seen. But done so incredibly well. Love Frank Miller. Love him.
And lots of eye candy for us girls. All 300 of them. Yummy.
Stir fry with red wine vinagarette not so good. Won't make again. Also, yogurt mistakenly bought with Splenda not so good. Yuk.
I know I am under my calories, severely today, but I'm just not hungry. I'm sure this will change. Its nice to not have to fight my cravings for once.
Food today:
Stir fry...........................................0
Chicken breast, cooked.....................210
Yogurt, blueberry............................100
Yogurt, strawberry...........................100
Strawberries, 8................................50
------------------------------------------------------------
Total............................................460
I will eat more tomorrow.
We saw "300" yesterday. Totally a guy flick, but I liked it better than I thought I would. For all the same reasons that I loved "Sin City". I love Frank Miller's mind. He does seem to have a strange obsession with decapitation however. And due to my high quality Adventist education, World History was never available much less required, and I didn't even know it was a true story. Or the significance that the battle had on history, and our lives today. Royce loved it. I thought he was gonna go punch something or someone, or just run around screaming with a javelin or something, grunting like Tim Allen. Very primal. He said its what it is like to be in a guy's head - all the time. Royce had like complete testosterone overload, even more than usual. When I learned it was a true story (thanks Thunderbird - my parent's money well spent) I actually liked it more. I felt like I learned something. Something important. I would highly recommend it, but not for the faint of heart, or the queasy of stomach. I actually almost left a couple of times it was so graphic. Hands down the most violent movie I have ever seen. But done so incredibly well. Love Frank Miller. Love him.
And lots of eye candy for us girls. All 300 of them. Yummy.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Hiking
Royce and me and Ryan and Cheyenne all went hiking today over at papago park. Let me tell you, good workout when princess 3 year old decides she isn't going to walk anymore, and she ends up on my hip half way up the mountain. Ryan absolutely loved it. I'm going to make some stir-fry now, do some swings before work and ride my bike to work tonight. Its all about moving. It helps my inside too.
I weighed myself after the hike, at 4:30 pm and I was 173.2.
I weighed myself after the hike, at 4:30 pm and I was 173.2.
New Week - week 2
Cheat day yesterday:
Potato Skins (3 at 300 each).............................900
Shot of Brandy (3 oz).....................................193
Jagermeister (200 ml bottle)............................687
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Total........................................................1780
Weighed myself this morning, after yesterday, and I was 174.4. Only .6 increase.
The potato skins actually made me sick later. Bad food after a week of good food.
This starts week two. 173 would have been my new goal, but since thats what I was yesterday, my new goal for this next Friday is 170, 3 pounds down. I am going to be working all week if they let me. This is my biggest challenge. I won't be able to get out and do that workout where I run. So I have decided to do my kettlebell everyday. Royce said do a light day and a heavy day. I am going to keep listening to him. It is working.
My finances are so fucked up. Too many loans out, I need to get rid of all of them. My house payment is behind. Bills are due that I don't have money for. Thats why I have to work this whole week. Hopefully they will need me. I'm starting to hate my job. I don't want to do it anymore. Lately I've just been going through the motions at work. I have had some nice patients though. Royce hates staying home, and I hate working. Why am I so bad with money? Will it ever change?
My sister is moving to Texas. Apparently pretty soon. Is it wrong that I'm not sad about this? I'm not happy about it, but I'm not sad either. I have been sad lately, about alot of things, but this is not one of them. Actually, I think something is wrong with me. I just can't get happy. Exercize helps. And I will be doing more of that. I just feel like I am going crazy. I can't get thoughts out of my head, they torment me. I can't "feel" a good outlook on life. The stress in my life is at an all time high. I feel very depressed and sad and my nerves are shot. I feel like I need something to calm me down, just to function. This was normal for my period week, but now it seems like it is all the time. I am waiting for my insurance cards to come in the mail to make an appointment with the doctor.
Kirk, I don't usually address you on here, but I know you read this. For what reason, I really don't know. When you were married to me for 10 years, you could have asked me anything, but you never talked to me, much less touched me. I have often thought I shouldn't write for this reason. But you know what, I am not going to let it affect it. Read all you want. I'm sure you get some kind of pleasure out of my bad times. Well, fuck you. It helps me to write, and that is what I'm going to continue to do. And Karl and Mike, I know you both read this too. Karl, I know you think any trouble I am having is because of my "godless" life. That if I just "had Jesus in my life" things would be better. Well, fuck you too. You are one of the reasons I removed god from my life. And he hasn't helped you a whole lot now has he? And Mike, if a glimpse from afar into the life you think was taken from you makes you feel better - knock yourself out. Despite all of you, I am going to write. I am going to express, and write freely, and bitch, and mourn, and cry, and laugh, and succeed, and live - whether you are watching or not. Enough said.
Seems like a pms week, doesn't it? Told you. I AM going to have a good day today. Going to exercise and eat good and go to work. Maybe we will go to Sprouts today.
Potato Skins (3 at 300 each).............................900
Shot of Brandy (3 oz).....................................193
Jagermeister (200 ml bottle)............................687
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Total........................................................1780
Weighed myself this morning, after yesterday, and I was 174.4. Only .6 increase.
The potato skins actually made me sick later. Bad food after a week of good food.
This starts week two. 173 would have been my new goal, but since thats what I was yesterday, my new goal for this next Friday is 170, 3 pounds down. I am going to be working all week if they let me. This is my biggest challenge. I won't be able to get out and do that workout where I run. So I have decided to do my kettlebell everyday. Royce said do a light day and a heavy day. I am going to keep listening to him. It is working.
My finances are so fucked up. Too many loans out, I need to get rid of all of them. My house payment is behind. Bills are due that I don't have money for. Thats why I have to work this whole week. Hopefully they will need me. I'm starting to hate my job. I don't want to do it anymore. Lately I've just been going through the motions at work. I have had some nice patients though. Royce hates staying home, and I hate working. Why am I so bad with money? Will it ever change?
My sister is moving to Texas. Apparently pretty soon. Is it wrong that I'm not sad about this? I'm not happy about it, but I'm not sad either. I have been sad lately, about alot of things, but this is not one of them. Actually, I think something is wrong with me. I just can't get happy. Exercize helps. And I will be doing more of that. I just feel like I am going crazy. I can't get thoughts out of my head, they torment me. I can't "feel" a good outlook on life. The stress in my life is at an all time high. I feel very depressed and sad and my nerves are shot. I feel like I need something to calm me down, just to function. This was normal for my period week, but now it seems like it is all the time. I am waiting for my insurance cards to come in the mail to make an appointment with the doctor.
Kirk, I don't usually address you on here, but I know you read this. For what reason, I really don't know. When you were married to me for 10 years, you could have asked me anything, but you never talked to me, much less touched me. I have often thought I shouldn't write for this reason. But you know what, I am not going to let it affect it. Read all you want. I'm sure you get some kind of pleasure out of my bad times. Well, fuck you. It helps me to write, and that is what I'm going to continue to do. And Karl and Mike, I know you both read this too. Karl, I know you think any trouble I am having is because of my "godless" life. That if I just "had Jesus in my life" things would be better. Well, fuck you too. You are one of the reasons I removed god from my life. And he hasn't helped you a whole lot now has he? And Mike, if a glimpse from afar into the life you think was taken from you makes you feel better - knock yourself out. Despite all of you, I am going to write. I am going to express, and write freely, and bitch, and mourn, and cry, and laugh, and succeed, and live - whether you are watching or not. Enough said.
Seems like a pms week, doesn't it? Told you. I AM going to have a good day today. Going to exercise and eat good and go to work. Maybe we will go to Sprouts today.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Weigh-In Day
So, I decided to fast yesterday, all day and all night I didn't eat. And it was really busy at work, not a whole lot of time to eat anyhow. I wasn't really hungry, and I'm kind of on a roll here, and wanted to see how good I could do when I weighed in today. I woke up today, and are you ready????????
173.8 !!!
I'm kind of in shock.
I have to get ready for our little date tonight. Hope I don't blow everything I've done, but it is my cheat day. I will just be careful.
173.8, yeah!!!!
173.8 !!!
I'm kind of in shock.
I have to get ready for our little date tonight. Hope I don't blow everything I've done, but it is my cheat day. I will just be careful.
173.8, yeah!!!!
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Yeah!!!!
I just weighed myself at 3:30 in the afternoon. I was feeling skinnier so I thought I would see.
And I am 176.8 !!!!
The three pounds I wanted to lose this week!
Let's see what I am tomorrow after I have worked all night and slept all day and then weigh myself late afternoon.
I'm gonna go for a bike ride before work.
And I am 176.8 !!!!
The three pounds I wanted to lose this week!
Let's see what I am tomorrow after I have worked all night and slept all day and then weigh myself late afternoon.
I'm gonna go for a bike ride before work.
178.4
178.4 today.
Friday,tomorrow, is my week mark, where I started my fitness program and eating right, and where I wanted to lose 3 pounds. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. We will see tomorrow when I wake up from sleeping. I am going to do alot of cardio today and keep my calories very low. I have to lose at least 2, 177. Have to work hard today. Lots of work.
Tomorrow is our date too. And my cheat day too. I'm so excited. We both have been looking forward to this. We have a babysitter and everything. What we do kinda depends on my direct deposit tonight. My bank account right now is so fucked up. I'm totally overdrawn. And owe so many bills and am behind. Hopefully the next few paychecks will fix everything.
My kids have the AIMS and Terra Nova tests today. Hope they do good.
Friday,tomorrow, is my week mark, where I started my fitness program and eating right, and where I wanted to lose 3 pounds. Doesn't look like that is going to happen. We will see tomorrow when I wake up from sleeping. I am going to do alot of cardio today and keep my calories very low. I have to lose at least 2, 177. Have to work hard today. Lots of work.
Tomorrow is our date too. And my cheat day too. I'm so excited. We both have been looking forward to this. We have a babysitter and everything. What we do kinda depends on my direct deposit tonight. My bank account right now is so fucked up. I'm totally overdrawn. And owe so many bills and am behind. Hopefully the next few paychecks will fix everything.
My kids have the AIMS and Terra Nova tests today. Hope they do good.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Today's calories
Food today:
StirFry, only carrot count.......................maybe 50
Soup......................................................280
White wine, 8 oz.......................................200
Cottage cheese, 1cup..................................180
Yogurt....................................................140
Wine .....................................................300
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Total.....................................................1150
And I did my cardio workout. 2 out of 3 this week. And this time I did 60 swings, up from 40. Royce said pretty soon I will be doing a hundred. They are kind of fun.
StirFry, only carrot count.......................maybe 50
Soup......................................................280
White wine, 8 oz.......................................200
Cottage cheese, 1cup..................................180
Yogurt....................................................140
Wine .....................................................300
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Total.....................................................1150
And I did my cardio workout. 2 out of 3 this week. And this time I did 60 swings, up from 40. Royce said pretty soon I will be doing a hundred. They are kind of fun.
My Living Will
Once again, from Maxine:
>Feel free to use my Living Will as an example to make one for yourself.
I, Maxine, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept aliveindefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be putin the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology iftheir lives depended on it, or lawyers & doctors interested in simply running upthe bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at leastone of the following:
Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
Margarita
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination isreached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pullthe plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Thanks Nikki
>Feel free to use my Living Will as an example to make one for yourself.
I, Maxine, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept aliveindefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be putin the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology iftheir lives depended on it, or lawyers & doctors interested in simply running upthe bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at leastone of the following:
Glass of wine
chocolate
Margarita
chocolate
Martini
Cold Beer
chocolate
Chicken fried steak
cream gravy
chocolate
Mexican food
chocolate
French fries
chocolate
Pizza
chocolate
ice cream
cup of tea
chocolate
Chocolate
Sex
Chocolate
Margarita
It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination isreached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pullthe plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.
Thanks Nikki
Better Day
I'm choosing to have a better day. Its one of those days when I think my hormones are out of whack, and I feel like I'm going crazy. But I am choosing to have a good day. Right now am cooking stir-fry, with purple cabbage, carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, lots of spinach and parsely. And only the carrots count as calories. Got soup for later today, organic lentil. Yum. I'm going to have some wine today, but I will count it in. And whatever I do, I'm going to work out today. Not getting on the scale today.
Food today:
StirFry, only carrot count.......................maybe 50
Soup......................................................280
White wine, 8 oz.......................................200
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So far at 4:30 pm...................................... 530
Gonna go work out pretty soon.
Food today:
StirFry, only carrot count.......................maybe 50
Soup......................................................280
White wine, 8 oz.......................................200
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So far at 4:30 pm...................................... 530
Gonna go work out pretty soon.
Old Demons
So 1315 calories today.
Basically 2 glasses of wine and healthy eating. And accountability for calories.
Its so much easier when you just don't count them.
All the old feelings about eating are flooding back. It must be the wine.
Guilt. Disgust. Undisciplined. Saddlebags. Belly. Fat Ass. Fucking Fat Whore.
The wine and the issues are coliding.
When I was younger, I used to just throw up at this point. Easy way to get rid of the problem.
I wanted it. Ate it. Now I feel out of control and bad because I gave in. And I didn't even eat that much.
The feeling of satiety, satisfaction ==== guilt, badness, ugliness. As soon as I start feeling "full", I start feeling shitty. Guilty. Gross.
This is educational.
I didn't work out today.
Tomorrow will be better. Look, its 12:22 am.
It is tomorrow.
yeah
Basically 2 glasses of wine and healthy eating. And accountability for calories.
Its so much easier when you just don't count them.
All the old feelings about eating are flooding back. It must be the wine.
Guilt. Disgust. Undisciplined. Saddlebags. Belly. Fat Ass. Fucking Fat Whore.
The wine and the issues are coliding.
When I was younger, I used to just throw up at this point. Easy way to get rid of the problem.
I wanted it. Ate it. Now I feel out of control and bad because I gave in. And I didn't even eat that much.
The feeling of satiety, satisfaction ==== guilt, badness, ugliness. As soon as I start feeling "full", I start feeling shitty. Guilty. Gross.
This is educational.
I didn't work out today.
Tomorrow will be better. Look, its 12:22 am.
It is tomorrow.
yeah
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
178.2
178.2 today when I woke up.
Got up today and went for a walk over on Mill Avenue. 40 minute walk.
I love Mill Avenue.
Its a short day, when I sleep all day and wake up in the evening.
So far, only soup and a glass of wine.
Soup......................280
Wine, 8 0z...............205
------------------------------------
Total......................485
Nikki I can't believe you are down 9 pounds already. Thats great. I haven't even done that recently. You are right. One day at a time.
A body shot Stacey? Body shots mean something totally different to me.
Am I that brave?????
485...............plus:
Chicken..............................450
Barbeque sauce......................100
Wine.................................280
-----------------------------------------------
Total.................................1315
Got up today and went for a walk over on Mill Avenue. 40 minute walk.
I love Mill Avenue.
Its a short day, when I sleep all day and wake up in the evening.
So far, only soup and a glass of wine.
Soup......................280
Wine, 8 0z...............205
------------------------------------
Total......................485
Nikki I can't believe you are down 9 pounds already. Thats great. I haven't even done that recently. You are right. One day at a time.
A body shot Stacey? Body shots mean something totally different to me.
Am I that brave?????
485...............plus:
Chicken..............................450
Barbeque sauce......................100
Wine.................................280
-----------------------------------------------
Total.................................1315
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