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Life or Something Like It

Life SHOULD NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well- preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally WORN out and screaming "WOO HOO - WHAT A RIDE!!!"

Thursday, December 28, 2006

Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee

Reality is a choice.
My reality is a choice.
Carrots, Eggs, or Coffee

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved , a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pot came to boil.

In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word. In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her daughter, she asked,"Tell me what you see."

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg. Finally, the mother asked thedaughter to sip the coffee.

The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, "What does it mean, mother?"

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity - boiling water. Each react differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak.

The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

I choose to change the water.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 10:19 PM 4 Comments

Sunday, December 24, 2006

My Christmas Eve

Its Christmas Eve.

Yesterday we woke up and there was thick fog everywhere. It got thinner but lasted all day. It was awesome. Phoenix under a thick blanket of fog is a surreal site. And they said there may be more to come.

So I'm told that the kids aren't having Christmas with dad - they are doing something in January. Why? Because dad doesn't have enough money for presents. I worked 11 out of 14 nights - twelve hours shifts - eight of them in a row - so I could make 2 house payments on the same paycheck that Christmas is on, AND have enough money for a good Christmas, and still have money to live on for 2 weeks.
Lets see................ I pay for all of the his kid's expenses (electricity, water, hot water, school clothes, school lunches, gas for transportation, car payment so they have a nice vehicle, car insurance, any medical or dental expenses that come up, food for 7 people),
and I had to make $2500 for house payments over and above what I needed for Christmas and living expenses this paycheck.
And dad has two jobs, a boat, is supporting one person, and is an electrician - and apparently has to celebrate Martin Luther King Day instead of Christmas because he can't afford presents.
Oh, but that $100 a week that the state makes you pay me should help alot. Thanks Kirk.

I just went to the cemetary and put a little tree and shiny garland around my dad's stone. The ground hasn't healed yet where they dug, and you can still see the rectangular outline of the hole. I've been thinking about my dad alot lately, way more than I did when he first died. Probably because it is Christmastime. I keep seeing him they way he used to be. Then sometimes I see him really sick. I try not to think about the sick time. I don't have to buy any presents for him this year. That makes me sad. He used to love opening presents. He never would have admitted that, but you could tell. The more the better, so I'd always get lots of little things. Little mechanical things. This last year he could barely open the things I got. Those were the things my mom basically threw at me a couple of months ago. "Here's all the stuff you gave your dad, he only opened one thing.Take them to your house, I have to make room for something." Then she basically threw them down in a pile, and walked away.

It doesn't take much to remember why I'm not talking to her.

I never noticed it before, but the two graves next to him have the names Barrows and Ramirez. These are his neighbors. They are also the last names of two of my friends at work. I hope he is next to friends.

I've pretty much done all my shopping, and got everything I wanted to. Still have to wrap some, did that for like 3 hours last night while watching "The Sound of Music" with Royce. Boy, I haven't seen that movie in YEARS. And I still know all the words to all the songs. Its crazy.

Had some entertainment from Crazy Neighbor. We sat out in the car and watched her one night. She saw us just sitting in the car watching her, and she did this strange-pentacostal-slash-catholic-demon-casting-out thing where she loudly chanted a prayer in her driveway, arms outstretched to heaven, then did all these weird flailing hand motions, beckoning god to protect her house from me. Did it twice. All my kids were watching too. I swear to god it was straight out of the Exorcist.

Probably has something to do with the pentagram I have etched into the ground right next to her house.

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."- Ferris Bueller

Do you remember this quote? My kids are growing up right before my eyes. Sydney's going to need a training bra very soon. I told her this, and she-being in complete tomboy denial- said "I'm not going to get boobs." I said, "Do you know who your mother is?" She just rolled her eyes and shook her head and walked off. Boy this one is going to be fun. And my sweet little Tyler. Not so little. 6 feet 2 last time I checked. Everyone tells me, my co-workers at work, Royce, basically everyone who meets him that he is a really good looking kid. I just see Tyler. Women of all ages already love him. Alot of them kind of melt around him. Still - just Tyler to me. And most of the time a pain in my ass. Tyler's friend's girlfriend text messages and calls Tyler constantly - (what a little slut) (I'm going to be a fun mom-of-the-boyfriend aren't I?). He ignores her and is totally irritated with her. My little boy - all grown up and in his first love triangle. I'm so proud. We have a new adopted child also. Matt. Matt just lives down the street and practically lives with us now. He has spent the last 3 nights at our house. Good kid. I like Matt.

My genetic musical talent is finally surfacing. Tyler has mastered more on the guitar in 5 weeks by self instruction than most people could accomplish in a year with lessons. He really is getting very good. I've been playing the piano more too. It kinda sucks cause my sustain pedal is broken. Its like playing a harpsicord. But I've needed to play lately - regardless. It's funny too. I can't play like I used to, but it is still there - dormant. And sometimes I will play something, Chopin, or something complicated, and now Tyler will just look at me with newfound appreciation and "wowness". I'm hoping to play with him sometime. He needs to start singing. But is very against it. He can sing to - I can hear it. Tyler has surprised me. He is sticking with this. I had my doubts, cause I know him. But I'm pleasantly surprised. I'll invest in it if he is serious. I already have. Royce is learning how to play the piano too. I've been helping him some. He has a beginners book and actually learns very fast, especially for an adult. Its like a whole new world opening up to him. And he is sticking with it too.

There is a different feeling in the house with music learning and music practicing. Its something I didn't realize I missed. Something I didn't realize I needed. It feels good.

To all my sisters - Nikki, Heather, Robin, Cathy, Loida - Have a very wonderful and Merry Christmas.

To everyone else - to those of you who maybe still read this - who I know are out there - who I haven't forgotten and still miss - you know who you are - Mike, Karl, Gina - Merry Christmas.

To Trailady and Deb and Creative Soul and all my internet friends - Merry Merry Christmas.

To my new friend Jen - who has recently changed from friend status to sister status to me - I hope you are having a wonderful Chrismas. Thank you for making the 8 nights I worked in a row tolerable and - quite interesting. Merry Christmas.

To Royce and Tyler and Sydney and Lyndsey and Ryan and Cheyenne - you are everything to me - I love you.

Peace to you all.









Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 10:06 AM 8 Comments

Saturday, December 16, 2006

Home stretch

My last shift !!!!
Yea!!! I made it !!!!
9 and a half hours to go.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 9:36 PM 1 Comments
I just watched a baby dying.

Watched a tiny lifeless precious little one leaving us. Watched it.

Its a lovely Sabbath morning, and I'm off to the Brass Rail to drink my breakfast.

An alcoholic athiest needs a place to worship too.



Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 6:36 AM 2 Comments

Colorless Green Ideas

Sometimes I wish I had more education.

I was smart in high school. Could have done alot better than I did. Just wasn't important then. But I was always smart. Then after high school stopped learning the intellectual and started specializing in the family, the nurturing arts.

All of my two years of college focused on nursing.

There are so many things, ideas, concepts, places - that I have never learned or been exposed to. Sometimes I feel quite at loss, and quite ignorant.

"Colorless green ideas sleep furiously"

This is the name of a certain live journal blog I like. I never knew it had any other meaning until I googled it.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colorless_green_ideas_sleep_furiously

I should know these things. There is so much I want to learn. So much I want to read.

(Having some down time in OB triage, can you tell?)
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 1:24 AM 1 Comments
Its 1 am, half-way through my next to last shift.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....................
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 1:10 AM 0 Comments

Thursday, December 14, 2006

8 down, 3 to go

This is my 5th night in a row, my 8th 12 hour shift for the pay period. 3 more to go. Hopefully I won't get cancelled. I can't wait till Sunday. I see the kids for a few minutes in the morning if I am lucky, and then before I go to work for a little bit. The same with Royce. I feel very detatched from everyone right now. But I know it is helping us financially, and that is what we need right now. It is kind of empowering. Making this much money. I like being in total control of my situation.

I guess with that freedom also comes the blame when needs aren't met.


More days have gone by without any communication with Mom........................ peace.

I know what Royce got me for Christmas. And I love it.


Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 2:43 AM 0 Comments

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Christmas Cards

This is my 3rd night in a row. My sixth on this pay period. Going to try and work every day of this week. That will make for a nice check on the 22nd, right before Christmas.

Wrote out some Christmas cards at work. I used to send cards to everyone I thought I "should" send them too. For the last couple of years, I decided to only send them to who I really want to send them to. No fake cards. No "I'm sending you this nice holiday greeting, when I really don't even like you or know you and wouldn't talk to you the rest of the year" card. Now my list is much smaller, but much more genuine. I think I only sent 12 out this year.

I was thinking about the people I sent cards to.

3 are family, but not immediate family.

1 is a girlfriend I used to work with and for 17 years we write every Christmas. I always love hearing from her.

1 is my husband's best friend and wife.

2 are old friends, from way back, when I was that "other" person. But I still think about them and miss them.

And the other 5 are girlfriends, my "sisters" as I like to call them. Each one so special in their own way, each one sharing a unique relationship with me. These are the ones that really got me thinking. What I have with these friends, you can not buy, you can't plan, it just happens over time. Each one is close on a different level, for different reasons. Some go way back, others are newer. But with each one a tie - a connection. I can't even really explain what I'm trying to say. As I was writing out the cards, I was a little overwhelmed with the bond and feeling of love I have for each one of them. How glad I am that I have each particular one in my life. How lucky I am. I think "friends" are probably the most pure of all relationships. You instinctively love your parents and children. You are expected to love your family, and have no choice as to who your family is. You commit to love your spouse, and sex is a big factor in that relationship. But with friends, there is no obligation to love them. There is no underlying reason or instinct. Friends are drawn together, and held together by nothing other than genuine "like" for the other person. And its very delicate. It can not be one sided, as with a crush. The fact that it is mutual is the most beautiful thing about it. Two people that have a genuine bond of affection for each other, that does not rely on or is affected by family ties, instinct or sex.

And I think of the friend I lost. I miss her very much. If you are reading this, you know who you are. I miss you and think about you more than you know.

A true friend is one of the greatest posessions one can have.

I love my sisters. More than they know. I guess this is my own little Christmas gift - to myself. If this is the only thing I get out of Christmas this year, it is so very full.

I just need to realize it.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 5:41 AM 0 Comments

Sunday, December 10, 2006

Peace on Earth, Goodwill towards ........... Mom

Been chasing 25 week twins tonight. Nice assignment. Its been a good night.

I haven't talked to my mom for at least a month. Every day I am more relieved that I don't talk to her. Clarity is finally happening. Its sad that you have to remove people from your life in order to have peace. But the way it feels comfirms that it is the right thing to do. It is so nice not having to deal with her. Or her voice. Or her stupid comments. We have never gotten along, and always someone apologizes, or things just blow over, and they are never fixed, and its just easier to not address it and go along like nothing happened. And we start talking again, until the same thing happens again. Over and over.

But not this time. I'm done. Never again.

I have such a sense of relief and peace. And everyday is gets stronger.

I lost my mom along with my dad. Thats how it feels. But I got me back.

I went and gave my dad a pointsetta last night.

There's been a song on the radio lately. Its on an r and b/pop station that I don't usually listen to, KISS 104.7. Everytime I hear it I love it more. I told Royce about it, wanted to show it to him. I didn't know the name of it, or the words, but knew it was by Christina Aguilera, once again not someone I usually listen to. But I really loved this song. I wanted him to hear it, so for a couple of days would leave that radio station on, hoping to hear it, in the meantime listening to really annoying crappy pop songs. It seemed like it would never play again, or course, when I'm listening for it. So we are sitting in the car, and it starts. I'm like, "This is it, This is it!!! Listen!!!" And I was so excited it was finally on. So like halfway through the first verse, I feel it coming on. And I think its just because of the key it is in, or the chords, or because I'm on my period, or something like that, but I feel the tears behind my eyes. Thats cool, I'll just fight it, it will pass, and I'll fake through it, especially with Royce listening so closely now - all ears on the music. I've never really got to listen to the words closely, before now. So by the chorus I'm full on crying, tears running down my face. And its my dad. It hit me so hard, I didn't even realize that the song was about him. And me. How utterly inconvenient to have it hit me when we are quietly purposely concentrating on the song that I made so much hype about.

Royce knew right away what was going on. How could I not have known? Its very haunting. It really gets me. Its called "Hurt". By Christing Aquilera.

Christmas is weird this year. I have such a sense of loss with some of the songs. "Mary Did You Know?" used to really get me, bring me to tears. But now, I don't think I'm convinced that that whole virgin birth, nativity scene, Jesus saving the world thing really happened. Its hard to feel emotional when you don't believe something. And its not that I don't want to believe, trust me it would be so much easier to believe. It reminds me of Santa Claus. How kids must feel the first Christmas or two after they found out he isn't real. It just isn't the same.

All the songs that I lost when the truth wasn't the truth anymore. So many songs.

The living room is empty except for the piano. So yesterday I put Christmas lights up INSIDE. And 3 little lighted chrismas trees, and a big inflatable snowman. I want the house to look Christmassy even though its kinda empty and in limbo right now. The kids love it.

Trailady, thanks for the support. I love hearing from you. I think our mom's were probably very much alike. I will email you.

Cathy, I drink everyday. You know this. I like to drink and I'm ok with that. In fact, there are some people that I wish would take up drinking. But I hear you. I'm sorry things are rough. You are right, we are connected, we have always been connected, and we always will be.
I think when shit and love are combined, especially lots of shit, and years of love, it has this incredibly binding effect. And we have lots of both. And going back to being friends in Cradle Roll doesn't hurt anything. You are my sister. Forever. And thats that.

Jenn Zeer, just wanted to say hi. Hi JENN ZEER. Thanks for the hot book. I'm sure Royce will benefit from it. Expect a thank you from him. Still think we need to sit and just talk outside of work sometime.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 4:23 AM 0 Comments

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

The 14 days of Christmas

(aka: this current paycheck)
Working everyday of this pay period if they need me.
Two down, 12 to go.
Christmas is such a lovely time.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 7:00 AM 1 Comments

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Eragon, More Herbs, and Peace

Started reading "Eragon". Really liking it so far. The movie comes out Dec. 15th. Royce already finished the book, in like 4 days. I don't read that fast. Hopefully I will be done by the 15th. Its easy to get lost in.

Being doing the herbal thing again lately. I'm learning more and applying more. Its really amazing how they work. Drinking 3 different teas. Taking some stuff in other forms too, like capsules. Making my own tea. There is so much to learn. Guess I'll start out as a green witch.
Sharon told me about Thyme tea. I'm going to try it in a few days when I need it.

I got a new deck of Tarot cards too. A "Celestial" Tarot deck. Also got a beginners book on how to interpret and do readings. Have had some really weird readings lately. Its amazing how many people ask you to do a reading when they learn that you have cards. I learned that I can do readings on myself. That should be interesting. It all just fascinates me so.

Still not talking to my mom. And with each day that goes by I actually find more peace. It will take a long time to get her yelling screaming voice out of my head. It pops in in almost every situation. I have to tell myself, thats mom's voice. What would you do Barb? Ignore the voice. It is getting fainter. I'm feeling more and more confident in my own decisions and finding my place. That my place is valid and good and doesn't have to be justified or defended to anyone. I sometimes wonder if I am going to regret breaking off communication and a relationship with her. Like if she were to die. Will I regret this? But there is a noticible difference in my feeling of peace knowing I am not talking to her, and not planning on ever being on those terms again.

It seems like every morning I wake up I fight depressing thoughts. Even if they aren't concrete, it is a general feeling. Not of darkness, but of depression. It seems that when I have just woken up I have been having dream after dream that have a depressed feel. I have to fight these thoughts every day. And before I get out of bed, literally, decide I am going to have a good day. Whether it be productive, energetic, reflective, self-nurturing, or family oriented. Probably half of the days in the week I just want to stay in bed. Not get out, even if I am awake. Just lie there all day. Maybe watch some tv. Read. Whatever. The herbs and teas are helping. St. John's Wort. It seems to really help. I have to keep taking these.

Other things of a personal nature that I can't really write about. Just very bad lately. Interpersonal things. Me and Royce things. Things that I can tell are definately me and in my head. He is being very patient - most of the time.

Haven't started working out or exercising yet. I know this will help tremendously. But just haven't gotten into it yet, haven't made that decision yet. Haven't stuck with it yet.

The weather is beautiful. 60's most of the day. It is just beautiful to be outside right now. And with all the Christmas stuff, I love it. Work has been good, enjoy being there. And getting the house better all the time helps too. Still alot to be done. But slowly it is happening. It is mine. It will be my palace, my canvas, and my comfort zone. I love my house.

I'm fighting bad thoughts. Bad memories, bad feelings. Self-esteem. Reminders of failures. But I am fighting them. And winning slowly. I'm learning how to turn them off and put the energy into something else, even if it is just something distractive.

I miss my dad.

This is my life right now, or something like it.
Thoughts of Fallen Angel at 3:39 AM 2 Comments
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