We drove past hospice today. I find myself avoiding that street, that intersection. And when I do drive past it, I find myself looking away. I think I looked once. His favorite grocery store is right across the street from it. He used to drive out of his way just to go to that Fry's. I remember going shopping there with him so many times. I can still see him parking the car, getting out, walking into the store with me. I always liked that Fry's. I remember once when I was little, maybe like 10, I was really sick, and he drove all the way there to get me some pizza, cause I liked their pizza. I have a hard time going there now.

A few minutes ago "Hate Me" came on the radio here at work. I'm not feeling very welcome at my mom's house right now. And the words hit me all over again. I know she is helping me out right now, but I thought I was helping her too. I thought the kids, and having people around made her feel better. She even said that last week. But now I don't feel like she wants us around. I feel really alone. I miss Royce. I miss my house.

And I still can't believe he is gone. Its weird, it seems like I have a very delayed reaction. Its been nearly 2 months, and it seems like its just hitting me.

Ryan told me last night that he wishes Bob could come back.

Teary at work. Not a good thing.

I miss my dad.

Royce just totally made a trip down to work to bring me some tea.

Sometimes, especially lately with all the stress around me, I think I don't recognize what a great guy I have. I don't recognize it, or reciprocate it, or appreciate it like I should. I'm sorry sweetie.

I love you baby, thanks for being so wonderful.

Just wanted to say it.

Can't wait till I'm back home.

Thanks for the tea.

Well, I made it. It is the end of night 7 in a row. Going to take a couple of nights off. Get to see Royce and the kids now. If they still remember who I am. A few nights ago Royce brought me flowers at work. Apparently he still remembers me. Maybe, if I'm not too tired, we will go for a walk - maybe to the Chinese place. That will always be my place.

I'm glad you liked the story Nikki. My spirit is not dead. It was just sad for awhile. Still is. But I am feeling better. Sometimes I just can't believe he is gone. When I stop, and sit still, and just be - the house feels really weird. Its weird how "sad" just hits me sometimes.

Last night at work we had a term demise. Thats a full term dead baby. Perfect in every possible way, except for her cord that was wrapped around her neck. That is always the darkest black cloud on a labor and delivery unit. It wasn't my patient, but everyone knows its on the unit, whether its your patient or not. I remember at about 5 am, after baby delivered, feeling overwhelmed. I was having a hellish night - the 3rd in a row, and a saw pictures of it with mommy. She was beautiful. Just the picture, and the week, and my dad. I just kind of stopped for a minute - after going 1000 miles an hour for a week. Just kind of stopped. Gave baby a minute of my time. Just stopped and thought for a minute. Just felt for a minute. I haven't been feeling much lately.

Going to hug my babies today.

I needed to see those tiger pictures too.

Love Story


In a California zoo, a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs. Unfortunately, due to pregnancy complications, the cubs were born prematurely and died shortly after birth. Mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health, although physically fine. The vets felt that the loss of her litter had caused her to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if she could surrogate another mother's cubs, perhaps she would improve. After checking with many other zoos, the depressing news was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the tiger mother. The vets decided to try something that had never been tried in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species will take on the care of a different species. The only "orphans" that could be found quickly, were a litter of wiener pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger. The results . .

Love is love - no matter where it is found.

And its why we are all here.

********************************************************

It's almost 6 am and this night is almost over.

I was reading Royce's blog. It makes me sad. Makes me want to take the night off and spend some time with him. Watch a movie or something. But the only way to get out of this is to work.

I love you baby. I'm sorry I let things get so bad. I hate working like this. But it will make everything better for us.

I'm sorry about my mom.

I'm gonna see you in a few hours. Hope you slept better.

I'm trying to put good things in my house.

In the middle of night 4.

3 more to go. At least its overtime.

On auto-pilot. Auto-nurse.

Very detached from everyone and everything except work.

I hate this.

I miss my dad.

Just finishing day 2 of a seven night stretch. I think I can do this. I have to do this. Its almost 4 am and I just want to go to bed. I already added on for tonight. At least these first few shifts are extra and are paid that way, then at the end of the week it will be overtime. I saw the kids for a little bit yesterday. Heard them alot when I was trying to sleep. I saw Royce for a few minutes on the way to work, and got to talk to him a little. He worked some in the house yesterday.

If I ever want things to be better it has to be like this for a while.

2 down, 5 to go.

The light at the end of the tunnel. Ok, maybe the light that has been on the whole time. My life is so out of control right now. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially, mentally, as a parent, as a wife, as me. All of these areas are just not what they should be.

The volatile volcano that is my life came to a head and exploded yesterday. All of the underlying tension, (we all know tension too has its limits), all of my pissed off worlds collided yesterday. Me and my mom, me and tyler, tyler and my mom, me and royce. It all just reached the boiling point.

I don't like that fact that daily things led up to an ugly scene. Daily life, if cared for, does not ever have to get to that point. It is when I am careless, and don't take care of life, don't do the "maintenance" so to speak. I hate this. I hate that I don't do this. I hate that I am undisciplined.

Two thing happened with Royce yesterday that are staying with me. First, before any ugliness, we were waiting in line to pay for something. I got irritated because an guy ordering a coffee got in front of us. I am NOT a coffee drinker, and aside from my friend Nikki and Royce, foo-foo coffee drinkers irritate me. I don't generally like the people who hang out in coffee shops, people who all they do is talk, think they are intellectually superior to the rest of us because they hang out in a book store, granted I may be mispeaking here, but this has been my general opinion. And it bugs the hell out of me that it takes 10 minutes to make one fucking cup of coffee and that you spend upwards of $7 or $8 for it, and then they want a fucking tip on top of that. Slow service and overpriced java, and they want a tip for their hard work. Try my job sometime Einstein, and nobody tips me.

And I have never understood how something that smells so good can taste so bad.

ANYHOW - (can you tell I'm on my period?), anyhow - Royce, and rightly so, lets me know how petty it is to let this irritate me. And he was right. Who cares that this guy stepped in front of me. We have all day, and why let it affect me.

He is right.

This is what stayed with me: He told me this little story. Throughout the day you go furniture shopping. You see a chair that is ugly, that you hate, that is nasty, and you buy it. You see a rug that you hate, and you buy it. You see a picture that you hate, and you buy it. This goes on. And you put all of your new things in your house. By the end of the day, you look around your house and you hate your house. You hate the way it looks and feels. And somehow you don't know how it got that way.

My house needs some cleaning. My house needs new stuff.

The second thing that occured to me, after all the ugliness, is that I will never be able to take care of my life - my children, Royce, my finances, my physical body, my spiritual soul - if I don't fix myself. Clear myself of issues and anger, live responsibly, live healthy - mental and physical, get enough sleep, exercise, etc. I currently do none of these things.

So today is the day. The day I really start. I can not work with a broken or non-maintenanced machine. I must take this seriously. It is not selfish to take care of my life, like I feel sometimes it is. It is necessary. Live it at every moment. Start when I wake up, and end with it when I go to sleep.

I think yoga is the light at the end, the light that has always been on, just ignored. Something has been urging me to read my yoga book. After yesterday, I am committing to this. I felt so lost after I gave up all my religious values last year. Yoga is everything I need for my spiritual beliefs. And I need it badly.

I am going to start studying. I am going to become a student.

I read a blog yesterday that addressed drinking more water. This is one thing I am going to do.

With Tyler I am taking a quiet yet discliplined approach. I already started this morning. And it went beautifully.

Quiet. That is another thing. No yelling, no out of control anything. Everything can be handled peacefully. But I must teach myself and my family this. It has not been this way, and it will not happen overnight.

Quiet and water. My first two changes.

My book says that we already have everything we need. Like Dorothy. She tried and tried to get home, but was already there - was there the whole time. I have what I need - everything. I just need to realize it.

Today is a Barb day. Going to do my hair, my nails, exercize, eat right, sleep, read, play with my kids, spend some quiet time with Royce. And I need to apologize for my words and behavior yesterday. I need to do it for my mom, and for me.

My finances. Tomorrow is pay day. A good place to start being good. No more bad money things. Pay the people I owe, work enough to pay what I need, and no more bad decisions.

The electricity should be turned on today. My house, my literal house, is empty now. Still in the process of being cleaned. Lights and cleaning. Its weird how that metaphor is so literal right now.

I have this recurring dream theme. My dad is back. Its not that he didn't die, he did, but he came back, kinda like in Pet Semetary. He's back, but its not really him, its not right. He's like the undead. He's like sitting on the couch and kinda half alive. Its really horrible, very disturbing. Like last night I dreamed he was there, I had to go to work, then at the last minute, like 20 minutes till 7 (I work at 7), he starts getting worse, like he's gonna die, and my mom gets nervous and is really uncomfortable with being alone with him while I am at work. So I call off of work. Diana W. answers the phone and tells me how she is a stronger person because she is doing all the same things I am doing, working, taking care of her mom, and NEVER calling off because she doesn't like being poor. (Lots of issues came out in this dream I guess.) So I call off, and there's my dad. Half dead, half alive on the couch. And my mom and I don't know what to do with him. Other people in the dream keep asking, "I thought he died last month?" And I don't know what to say to them.

There Sigmund Freud fans - go to work on that one. Cathy and Nikki, I expect to hear from you.

My children are challenging me. Lyndsey's birthday was yesterday. Lyndsey is my easy-going, fun loving, sensual now eight year old. Ryan is just a beautiful energetic, sweet child. High energy, but so sweet. And Cheyenne is my sweet baby.

These aren't the concerns.

Sydney is yelling, and screaming, over the smallest things, drama queen and very disrespectful to me and Royce and my mom. Sometimes just out of control. And its really weird how her moods coincide with my cycle. I am still enjoying her, but she is so hard to handle. (Is this karma at is best or what, Barb blessed with an overemotional child?)

Tyler is becoming something I don't like. I have not taught him to be this way, he has not observed it at home, and it is not in my personality. He is mean, really mean sometimes, very disrepectful, very detatched. He stays up all hours of the night, will not sleep, and I feel like he is intentionally trying to get kicked out of school. He is angry and resenting me because I don't have alot of money. He doesn't want to work for anything, but is so angry because he doesn't have "stuff". I understand being angry as a teenager, I remember how bad it sucked to be 14. I try to make up for the suckage a little, by being a cool mom, by being understanding. I take him wherever he wants to go, I don't restrict who his friends are, and I will never tell him what music to listen to or restrict music or reading or any of the arts, I feel very strongly that that is such a personal thing. I feel that the bad things in life should not be dealt with by being quiet about them, but by educating about them. And this is what I try to do everyday. But he is turning into a mean, souless, disrespectful, materialistic person. And he is only 14. I think I'm going to have to just set more rules, and be very disciplined about enforcing them. The rules will be clear and easy. It he makes my life easy, I will make his life easy.

Sometimes we play. He play hits and wrestles with me. He started doing this last night. I said "You know I can still take you down." Tyler, who is now 6 feet tall, just kind of looks at me and smiles, and says "I know", but you can tell doesn't really believe it. So I do it. And I take him all the way to the ground and sit on him. And that was that. The look on his face was worth it.

Tyler and my mom aren't talking. Haven't for a week. Something happened between them. And its not getting better. I think I'm going to get Tyler and Royce moved back in first. They need it. Badly. Right now Royce is staying at our house at night, sleeping on the girl's bed, with no electricity.

Everything should be turned back on after Friday. And we are going to get our beds and other things from the apartment on Friday or Saturday.

I'm just tired. Tired of all of everything. And my periods are so bad. It just kicked my ass yesterday. I swear I get anemic every month, and so much pain. Just kicks my ass. I had to take Dayquil and 800mg of Motrin yesterday, and it only lasted like 4 hours. Then had to take it again just to spend some time with Lynds on her birthday.

I'm just tired. The whole feeling around me is just sad, and tired.

We did go to the zoo yesterday. That was fun.

Its only funny till someone gets hurt ....................

Then its HILARIOUS !!!!!!

Well now, life is never dull on the homefront, now is it? Entertainment abounds, which actually is making my life a little more bearable right now. And the beautiful part is, I don't even have to exert any energy to make it happen. All I have to do is sit, and watch, and smile. (And make sure they see me smiling.) When dysfunctional people are left alone, they provide an abundance of entertainment.

Now it isn't my usual nature to laugh, especially point and laugh, at those less fortunate than me. However, when those people are my next door neighbors, who have caused me so much stress and ass-pain, who have increased my blood pressure yet have decreased the value of my house just by being next door, who have brought everything on themselves - well then, I allow myself the guilty pleasure.

We've been joking about Teresa running a drop house. I think this is the right term. The term meaning, if you are not acquinted with Arizona terms, a house where the mexican smugglers stash the illegals that they have brought up here from Mexico, and hide them in a normal looking house, some 40, 50, even 70 mexicans at a time. The houses get busted and they find like wall to wall illegals hiding, sometime no food or water or anything.

We started joking about this because when the city gave her a citation for the filthy condition of her house, they also provided help - a crew of hispanic workers to help her clean up. I was told there were like 40 of them at her house for a few days. Well, it seemed she never really got rid of them, every day we would see all these mexican guys over there, and no cleaning was going on anymore. They just never seemed to leave.

So yesterday,- and this is where the story gets good, where it goes from informational to entertaining,- Royce is sitting out on our front porch, taking a break from working on the house. This mexican guy in Teresa's yard approaches the fence and starts talking to Royce. They guy looks like he is from a village somewhere deep in Mexico. He proceeds to try and start something with Royce, kind of aggresive, all 130 pounds of him, and in his very broken English asks Royce what the problem is between us and Teresa. So, to the astonishment of Pedro, Royce replies to him in perfect Spanish. Royce continues to tell him about the filth in the house, the citations with the city, and the baby that was removed from the house. Pedro informs Royce that if there is a problem that the men should work it out - to leave Teresa out of it. Mind you, we haven't had any contact or problem with her in months, she must just be stewing over there. It must just totally obsess her. This whole conversation is like out of the blue. So anyhow, he goes on to tell Royce that this is his "esposa."

ESPOSA - direct English translation = spouse.

OH MY GOD - Teresa has gone and married a little illegal who just wants his green card. I thought I was going to pee my pants! This is just too good. He referred to her that way like 3 times. He's probably got a wife and like 12 kids back in Tiajuana that he is supporting by being here. And you know conditions in Mexico must be deplorable for him to agree to live with much less marry someone like her. This one is just too much for me.

So Royce proceeds to tell him that there isn't a problem right now, because she did clean up some, but when there is a problem he won't be coming to Pedro with it, he will be calling imigration.

Suddenly --------------------- no more problem.

Problem went bye-bye.

He actually was pleasant after that and shook hands with Royce and everything.

About a half hour after it happened, I found out about it. (I was so pissed that I missed it.) As Royce is telling me the story, she is pulling up in the driveway. I have to go outside. I just have to. I'm standing on the porch and watch her get out of the car. She is glaring at me, I'm dying laughing - and Pedro walks up to her. She starts yelling about me standing there, I'm still dying of laughter, she starts yelling at him, and he proceeds to yell something in espanol, pushes her, and commands her back into the house. And she goes, glaring at me and cussing the whole time. She sure does spew those cuss words for such a religious person.

Oh am I going to have FUN with this one.

Its going to be a Happy, Happy Halloween.

(I told Royce we need to befriend him. Take him to the strip club. Come on Pedro, lets go have a cerveza.)

So, so much fun.

My birthday is tomorrow. I'll be 36. I'm going to take the night off tomorrow. Haven't decided what we'll do. I told Loida I wanted her and her kids to come over and we would do something. Maybe we'll go to the chinese place or something.

Life is hell at my mom's house. She is just mean, and bitter, and controlling. And I won't be controlled. She should know that by now. She treats me like I'm 16 and I'm 36. Right now we aren't talking. We got into it the other night, everything had been fine up till then, and we got into it because I told her I didn't want her giving my four year old a bottle. She said he needs one because it comforts him. I stood my ground and she ended up slamming the bedroom door and telling me all I want to do is fight. She is driving me nuts. Literally. The other day she made some comment about Royce not being good with the kids, even Cheyenne, and said something about calling CPS. The fact that she even said that makes me never want to talk to her again, I don't care how sad she is about my dad. And I know my dad would never be ok with how she is acting or treating us. He was a peacemaker. I miss him. Its so wrong without him here. Frankly, I don't know how he put up with her for 56 years.

We have got to get out of there. Everyday it gets worse. Its little comments like that everyday. She is a mean, bitter, old woman. Please shoot me in the head and put me out of my misery if I ever get like that. Royce and I got to get out a little last night. We went to the chinese place and ate. Calimari and sweet and sour chicken. And Sake. I love sake. It was so nice to just get away for a little while with him. And that place is my solice. It is my sanctuary. I am always better after I am there.

We should be able to move back in the weekend of the 15th. Royce is counting the days. He is going up to Prescott today to bring some stuff down. It will be so good to be in our own house again.

Trailady you were right. Right about my mom. I will be away from her soon though. We have to live here right now, but that doesn't mean I will let her in any part of my life after we get in our house. Enough is enough. Sometimes I think I will never learn.

When Heather and I did my cards, it said that the future would be better for me and my mom if I stayed up in the mountains. It literally read that way. They said I needed to remove myself from the situation and give space. And if I did that, then the future would be better for us.

I need to do another reading.

Went to borders last night. Nikki, you were very right about Borders. I never gave it a chance before because of my opinion about things, but I was wrong. It is a wonderful place. I got somethings for the kids there, a movie for me, and I got a book that I am starting to read to the kids at night. Its the first book " The Bad Beginning", in the series "A Series of Unfortunate Events" by Lemony Sniketts. I think we will really like it. None of us have seen the movie. Like always, I want to read the book first.

Going to primer our bedroom and finish Tyler's today. Can't wait to start painting.

Going to work tonight. I am so happy to be back at county. I love my unit, and my coworkers. We could have the worst night possible, and the people that you are working with make it a nice night. Robin, Valerie, Evette, Zeer and Nebrich, Amy, the twins, John boy, Martin, Slade, Tina, and the rare occasion that I get to see Heather. I really do like my job. I'm home there.

Work.
Sleep.
Work.
Sleep.
Stress.
Work.
Sleep.
Stress some more.
My life is so beautiful right now.

I'm in this huge, deep, slide downward. Constant cloud. When it isn't storming.

If I don't work like this, I will never have things the way they need to be. Because of all the stupid decisions/mistakes about money that I have made.

And honestly, work-at a level 3 labor and delivery is actually less stressful than home right now.

Staying with mom not so much fun. Not going so well. But money is the only thing that is going to get me out of it.

So work, work, work.

The yard is clean, we did everything the city inspector told us to do. I don't know if he came yesterday or not. Actually the yard makes me feel good. Its so clean.

It kinda feels good to be doing radical reconstructive surgery on the house. Almost time to paint. Then carpet. That is if I work. And maybe buy a brand new shiny fridge.

I guess its good for me that lots of people are having lots of sex and making lots of babies. Lots of work for Barb.

I'm sleep deprived. Can you tell?

They put me on blood pressure medicine for my BP of 161/111 last week. And its making me tired. All.....the.....time.

I can't wait to crash in 3 hours. I'm fantasizing about it.