Friday, June 30, 2006
Good things are happening. I'm just not writing about them before they are for sure - just to be safe. I've never had a time in my life where doors kept opening, even wider than you need them too. All the energy concerning this move and our lives right now is so good. It seems like every day another door opens, and good energy is just there. Literally every day something new and good and in that direction happens. This move is very stressful for me. But everything is going so well. Every obstacle is going away. Its like everything around us is telling us its time. I have to listen. I will write about it when everything is a little more for sure. I've been reading everyone's comments and posts, and I love your new pictures Cathy- yes I looked at them over and over (thanks for taking the time to put them on there), all the comments from Deb and Shelli and Trailady, and Nikki too. I read your posts. I'm just quiet right now. Just listening to the forces that be and going in the direction they point me.
It seems that all of our planets are aligned. Royce and I keep looking at each other when something good happens. We are almost expecting good things to happen, because they keep happening over and over. But deep inside us we keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it always has.
After thinking alot - ALOT - it has occured to me, after weighing everything, that not only is it right to leave, but its WRONG not to. I can't wait until I can write and say everything.
It seems that all of our planets are aligned. Royce and I keep looking at each other when something good happens. We are almost expecting good things to happen, because they keep happening over and over. But deep inside us we keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. Like it always has.
After thinking alot - ALOT - it has occured to me, after weighing everything, that not only is it right to leave, but its WRONG not to. I can't wait until I can write and say everything.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Happy Birthday Tyler!!!!!!
Tyler is 14 today. Happy Birthday Tyler!!!
(I can't believe I have one of those)
His dad took him to go up in a glider today. They were up over 5000 feet and did turns and tricks. Once they went straight down. He said he wasn't scared (but I was stressing). I hope he had lots of fun.
We are having a little family party tonight. Steak on the grill, chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, and corn on the cobb. And cake of course.
I love you Tyler. I can't believe you are already 14. I remember when you were such a little guy.
Love you lots John Boy. Officials.
Love, Mom
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Purging. I remember teaching my body that fine art in high school when I wanted to drop a few pounds off of my 113 pound frame. The strange satisfaction it gave me, the feeling of being in control of something, the emotional release it gave me. Liking the feeling, and getting more proficient at it. In a twisted way, like in a parallel universe to what is my world today, realizing, like yoga or meditation or exercise today, that the mental effect became the drive opposed to the physical effects.
Then other times purging happens, unintentionally, in response to something we ingest. Something we put inside ourselves that forces us to vomit everything inside in order to cleanse us. Like today.
Before today I didn't know who Blue October was. I had never heard any of their music. I had never listened to the song that happened today.
I have never had such an intense immediate reaction to a song the first time I heard it. Last night was a night from hell. I worked on 61, med/surg, not my area, not my preference, not a good night for someone who does like it. I had 3 TB patients, a colostomy to burp, a patient who hated me, a patient in restraints, and vomit to clean up. And I was three hours behind on everything up until 3 am, 8 hours into my shift. Enough said. Bad night. But about 10 pm, I hear my name down the hallway. I hear, 'Baaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrbbbbb!!!!!' and recognize Heather's voice. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks. Its amazing how a friend can suddenly bring you above it all. We took a break, talked, and before long a bunch of us decided we were going to visit the Brass Rail after work.
I drove to work last night, so had the car, but she insisted on driving me to the Rail and then taking me back to get my car. For the sole purpose of showing me some songs on the way. So we're driving, I have to stop at the bank, Heather isn't sure where to turn - its not her part of town, and so it goes. She puts in a cd, Blue October. "Listen to this - its my song to Mark" - her newly estranged husband whose moving out on Saturday.
I'm physically exhausted, worked all night, its the week where all is good, I'm centered, not the week when I'm coming undone, when the world is grey and cold and angry. The week I cry. Its is in fact the week where my inside finally implodes against all the building pressure and all that psychotic hormonal energy bleeds out of me. There has been nothing but good energy this week, everything is coming together, good things are happening.
Heather is driving. The song comes on. There is something about the guy's voice that gets to me. Some kind of on the edge element that can't be faked. Every word is like a knife. Over and over again. Suddenly I can't fight the urge any more and my eyes fill up. I get that asthmatic-painful throat thing that happens when you try not to cry cause you don't want anyone to see you. Finally I say fuck it, and just let them roll down my cheek, turn my head, look out the window, hoping she won't see me. Hoping she'll just drive. But knowing that its Heather, and its ok. She is safe. I don't even understand my reaction. What the hell? Who is it that the song is pointing to in my head? What relationship of mine am I reminded of? Who is surfacing? All I know is that I feel this ripping inside. Knowing I can relate to every word. But to who?
I sit back, give in, and just feel.
She is changing lanes, driving against the sun, looking for the right street. Morning rush hour in Phoenix. Goal being the bar. Goal being to decompress with a few drinks, with a few friends. "Is this where I turn?". She glances over, and I hear an small gasp, then "Oh my god.........." , and I know she has seen me. I look at her once, then look down. And wipe my eyes just so they can fill up again. Its pointles now to try and stop it or fake it.
It gets really quiet, except for the music. We listen to the words. We are both purging, and we know it. Its just foreign to do it together. Its usually a very private thing.
I get home. Sleep some. Get up. The song is still playing in my head. I mentioned to Royce before I went to sleep, but he didn't know who they were. I want to show him the song. I find it online. MTV. I watch the video. The same thing happens again. I'm sitting there sobbing. He comes and sits by me. He's heard it before. "Why am I crying?" I ask.
You know how sometime it takes a few times to watch a movie before you get it? I watch the video the first time. The song that I've only heard one time. It starts with the playing of a phone call. Kind of in the background. An unidentified eerie sentimental feeling is under the surface. The words instruct her, the person being sung to, to hate him. He's haunted by someone who he can't love the way they want him to love them, he's separating himself, he's not apologetic, but wanting her to hate him because he can only be who he is, and decides its easier for her to hate. He wants free of her. Not because he hates her, but because he can't be what she needs him to be. It shows his wife with a baby, then scenes with the child older. Then with him. It ends with a goodbye, with a cemetery. With a death. With regret.
Again I'm sobbing. Uncontrollably at my computer. What is it? Who is it? Who am I feeling this about? Who does every word fit for? Why does it rip me? Why does it even hurt at all? Mike? Kirk? William? Even Royce maybe? There may be bits and pieces that fit each one of those, but its different. Its not them. I try in my head to make it be one of them. But its not. Kirk really hurt me, but its not him, its just not. It just doesn't make sense. I'm sitting here watching this story, listening to these words, and I'm ripping apart, and I can't even figure out who its about. None of my intimate relationships were like that. Who is the girl he is leaving? Who is she in my head? Why is he ending the relationship? Who am I singing to? Why am I relating to this?
I'm lost. Drained and lost. I look over at Royce on the couch. "I don't get it.
Why am I crying?" I decide to play it again. And this time, I see a whole different video. Things I didn't see the first time. The words mean something different this time. And it all starts making sense. I sit there almost in disbelief. It all makes sense now. And I keep crying. The voice on the phone. The little boys room. The empty house. The pictures on the wall. The child that gets older. I say I want truth in my life. And here it is, like bleach in a wound. The woman is not his girlfriend. Not his wife he has grown apart from.
I'm not singing to a lover.
I'm not singing to a past relationship.
I'm singing to my mom.
Its my mom. And every word is harsh, and true, and deadly, and beautiful, and debriding, and festering, and freeing.
I listen to it over and over. The first verse more about my mom. The harsh parts about my mom. The second verse so painfully about my dad. The gentle, unconditional parts are my dad. Some parts are both mom and dad.
Its not my past loves and broken hearts, its my parents.
Here are the lyrics:
Hey Justin this is your mother, I was just calling to see how you were doin,
you sounded really uptight last night it made me a little nervous.
I just wanted to make sure that you were really ok and wanted to see
if you were checked in on your medications.
You know I love ya, see ya, bye bye.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars with myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
Here is the video, click on "Hate Me":
http://www.mtv.com/search/index.jhtml?searchterm=BLUE+OCTOBER&searchtype=videos
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
We're moving to Prescott. I'm driving so fucking far away that I never cross her mind.
All of the piano lessons. All the private school. All the christian beliefs my dad tried to teach me, all the values he lived by example. All the long hours they both worked to make sure I had everything. The second chance at life they gave me, and what I've done with it. What they hoped so badly I would accomplish, my music, and the decisions I made despite everything they did to prevent them. My beliefs now. Me.
All the things I didn't do for you.
Me.
All I ever wanted was for my mom to like me. Not love me, but like me. To once in a while be happy for me. To maybe be just a little bit proud of the good things I HAVE done.
And so I'm driving so fucking far away that I never cross her mind.
Gonna go hug my babies. We will be good in a new place.
Then other times purging happens, unintentionally, in response to something we ingest. Something we put inside ourselves that forces us to vomit everything inside in order to cleanse us. Like today.
Before today I didn't know who Blue October was. I had never heard any of their music. I had never listened to the song that happened today.
I have never had such an intense immediate reaction to a song the first time I heard it. Last night was a night from hell. I worked on 61, med/surg, not my area, not my preference, not a good night for someone who does like it. I had 3 TB patients, a colostomy to burp, a patient who hated me, a patient in restraints, and vomit to clean up. And I was three hours behind on everything up until 3 am, 8 hours into my shift. Enough said. Bad night. But about 10 pm, I hear my name down the hallway. I hear, 'Baaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrbbbbb!!!!!' and recognize Heather's voice. I haven't seen her in a couple weeks. Its amazing how a friend can suddenly bring you above it all. We took a break, talked, and before long a bunch of us decided we were going to visit the Brass Rail after work.
I drove to work last night, so had the car, but she insisted on driving me to the Rail and then taking me back to get my car. For the sole purpose of showing me some songs on the way. So we're driving, I have to stop at the bank, Heather isn't sure where to turn - its not her part of town, and so it goes. She puts in a cd, Blue October. "Listen to this - its my song to Mark" - her newly estranged husband whose moving out on Saturday.
I'm physically exhausted, worked all night, its the week where all is good, I'm centered, not the week when I'm coming undone, when the world is grey and cold and angry. The week I cry. Its is in fact the week where my inside finally implodes against all the building pressure and all that psychotic hormonal energy bleeds out of me. There has been nothing but good energy this week, everything is coming together, good things are happening.
Heather is driving. The song comes on. There is something about the guy's voice that gets to me. Some kind of on the edge element that can't be faked. Every word is like a knife. Over and over again. Suddenly I can't fight the urge any more and my eyes fill up. I get that asthmatic-painful throat thing that happens when you try not to cry cause you don't want anyone to see you. Finally I say fuck it, and just let them roll down my cheek, turn my head, look out the window, hoping she won't see me. Hoping she'll just drive. But knowing that its Heather, and its ok. She is safe. I don't even understand my reaction. What the hell? Who is it that the song is pointing to in my head? What relationship of mine am I reminded of? Who is surfacing? All I know is that I feel this ripping inside. Knowing I can relate to every word. But to who?
I sit back, give in, and just feel.
She is changing lanes, driving against the sun, looking for the right street. Morning rush hour in Phoenix. Goal being the bar. Goal being to decompress with a few drinks, with a few friends. "Is this where I turn?". She glances over, and I hear an small gasp, then "Oh my god.........." , and I know she has seen me. I look at her once, then look down. And wipe my eyes just so they can fill up again. Its pointles now to try and stop it or fake it.
It gets really quiet, except for the music. We listen to the words. We are both purging, and we know it. Its just foreign to do it together. Its usually a very private thing.
I get home. Sleep some. Get up. The song is still playing in my head. I mentioned to Royce before I went to sleep, but he didn't know who they were. I want to show him the song. I find it online. MTV. I watch the video. The same thing happens again. I'm sitting there sobbing. He comes and sits by me. He's heard it before. "Why am I crying?" I ask.
You know how sometime it takes a few times to watch a movie before you get it? I watch the video the first time. The song that I've only heard one time. It starts with the playing of a phone call. Kind of in the background. An unidentified eerie sentimental feeling is under the surface. The words instruct her, the person being sung to, to hate him. He's haunted by someone who he can't love the way they want him to love them, he's separating himself, he's not apologetic, but wanting her to hate him because he can only be who he is, and decides its easier for her to hate. He wants free of her. Not because he hates her, but because he can't be what she needs him to be. It shows his wife with a baby, then scenes with the child older. Then with him. It ends with a goodbye, with a cemetery. With a death. With regret.
Again I'm sobbing. Uncontrollably at my computer. What is it? Who is it? Who am I feeling this about? Who does every word fit for? Why does it rip me? Why does it even hurt at all? Mike? Kirk? William? Even Royce maybe? There may be bits and pieces that fit each one of those, but its different. Its not them. I try in my head to make it be one of them. But its not. Kirk really hurt me, but its not him, its just not. It just doesn't make sense. I'm sitting here watching this story, listening to these words, and I'm ripping apart, and I can't even figure out who its about. None of my intimate relationships were like that. Who is the girl he is leaving? Who is she in my head? Why is he ending the relationship? Who am I singing to? Why am I relating to this?
I'm lost. Drained and lost. I look over at Royce on the couch. "I don't get it.
Why am I crying?" I decide to play it again. And this time, I see a whole different video. Things I didn't see the first time. The words mean something different this time. And it all starts making sense. I sit there almost in disbelief. It all makes sense now. And I keep crying. The voice on the phone. The little boys room. The empty house. The pictures on the wall. The child that gets older. I say I want truth in my life. And here it is, like bleach in a wound. The woman is not his girlfriend. Not his wife he has grown apart from.
I'm not singing to a lover.
I'm not singing to a past relationship.
I'm singing to my mom.
Its my mom. And every word is harsh, and true, and deadly, and beautiful, and debriding, and festering, and freeing.
I listen to it over and over. The first verse more about my mom. The harsh parts about my mom. The second verse so painfully about my dad. The gentle, unconditional parts are my dad. Some parts are both mom and dad.
Its not my past loves and broken hearts, its my parents.
Here are the lyrics:
Hey Justin this is your mother, I was just calling to see how you were doin,
you sounded really uptight last night it made me a little nervous.
I just wanted to make sure that you were really ok and wanted to see
if you were checked in on your medications.
You know I love ya, see ya, bye bye.
I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone
Playing movies in my head that make a porno feel like home
There's a burning in my pride, a nervous bleeding in my brain
An ounce of peace is all I want for you. will you never call again?
And will you never say that you love me just to put it in my face?
And will you never try to reach me? it is I that wanted space
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
I’m sober now for 3 whole months it’s one accomplishment that you helped me with
The one thing that always tore us apart is the one thing I won’t touch again
And in a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars with myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then fell down yelling “make it go away!”
Just make her smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered “how can you do this to me?”
Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn’t do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you
Here is the video, click on "Hate Me":
http://www.mtv.com/search/index.jhtml?searchterm=BLUE+OCTOBER&searchtype=videos
So I’ll drive so fucking far away that I never cross your mind
And do whatever it takes in your heart to leave me behind
We're moving to Prescott. I'm driving so fucking far away that I never cross her mind.
All of the piano lessons. All the private school. All the christian beliefs my dad tried to teach me, all the values he lived by example. All the long hours they both worked to make sure I had everything. The second chance at life they gave me, and what I've done with it. What they hoped so badly I would accomplish, my music, and the decisions I made despite everything they did to prevent them. My beliefs now. Me.
All the things I didn't do for you.
Me.
All I ever wanted was for my mom to like me. Not love me, but like me. To once in a while be happy for me. To maybe be just a little bit proud of the good things I HAVE done.
And so I'm driving so fucking far away that I never cross her mind.
Gonna go hug my babies. We will be good in a new place.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
I think we are moving to Prescott. I filled out an application at Yavapai Regoinal Medical Center yesterday and it really looks like they are going to hire me. They were really happy to see me. I think the exact words of the human resources girl to her supervisor were "I have a real live labor and delivery nurse in my office right now." They must really be short. So I may find out Monday. I don't know any of the details, where we will live, how soon we will go, what we will do with this house. All I know is I don't want to be here anymore. I can't handle my neighbors. No one will help us with them. Teresa (mother, about 45) and Amelia(daughter, about 21) live in living conditions that are making us sick just by living next to them. The house smells so bad. And Nira (the grandmother, (about 85)who lives next to them on the other side - 2 doors down from us) constantly yells cuss words at my kids when she sees them in the front yard. She called Sydney a bitch yesterday while we were gone. I just can't take it anymore. And I don't want to live by my mom anymore. We don't fight anymore, cause I stay away. She acts like she can barely stomach talking to me when we do. She acts like she really can't stand me and everything I do is irritating. Peggy comes over about once a week. Everytime she comes over my mom is happy, and even if she was having a bad day, she gets in a good mood. Everytime she sees me she is irritated. I don't want to leave my dad, but there is nothing I can do to help him. He is not him anyhow. He is a shell, with his face and voice, and body. But its not him. He barely knows who I am most of the time. I just can't live like this anymore. There is a better place out there. And the heat. I just can't handle my circumstances anymore. Its time to go.
I told royce yesterday on the way up to Prescott, I'm ready to jump in the pool even if I don't know if there is water in it, just for the possibility that the water is cool.
I'm ready to jump.
I'm not going to leave County completely, I will drive down and do like a shift a week. That way the kids can come down to see Kirk, and we can see our family and friends here too.
My dad has lived here since 1971. He moved here from West Virginia because of his allergies. He has always hated it. Hated the heat, hated the pace, hated the scenery, hated the whole valley. But he stayed, because of his job, his kids, his house, cause it was the "right thing" to do. He loved going up to Prescott for campmeeting. He loved getting out of the valley. I remember when he was really frustrated with the dirty air, or heat, or traffic, he would say "I'm going to drive up to Sunset Point ( a very nice rest stop/ truck stop right out of the valley),
I'm going to drive up there and just sit there. I hate this place." But he never did. He always did the 9 to 5, work your ass off for nothing, just to exist in the rat race hell of Phoenix. And he did it for me and Peggy. To provide for us. He always talked of moving to Oregon or Washington. Someplace cool, someplace quiet.
My dad is still here. Only now he is sick, terminally - one does not get better from Parkinson's, he can't travel, hell- he can't even go to church. Now he is dying in the place that he hated so much. It breaks my heart.
Not me. Ready to jump.
I told royce yesterday on the way up to Prescott, I'm ready to jump in the pool even if I don't know if there is water in it, just for the possibility that the water is cool.
I'm ready to jump.
I'm not going to leave County completely, I will drive down and do like a shift a week. That way the kids can come down to see Kirk, and we can see our family and friends here too.
My dad has lived here since 1971. He moved here from West Virginia because of his allergies. He has always hated it. Hated the heat, hated the pace, hated the scenery, hated the whole valley. But he stayed, because of his job, his kids, his house, cause it was the "right thing" to do. He loved going up to Prescott for campmeeting. He loved getting out of the valley. I remember when he was really frustrated with the dirty air, or heat, or traffic, he would say "I'm going to drive up to Sunset Point ( a very nice rest stop/ truck stop right out of the valley),
I'm going to drive up there and just sit there. I hate this place." But he never did. He always did the 9 to 5, work your ass off for nothing, just to exist in the rat race hell of Phoenix. And he did it for me and Peggy. To provide for us. He always talked of moving to Oregon or Washington. Someplace cool, someplace quiet.
My dad is still here. Only now he is sick, terminally - one does not get better from Parkinson's, he can't travel, hell- he can't even go to church. Now he is dying in the place that he hated so much. It breaks my heart.
Not me. Ready to jump.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
There is something that has been drawing me to talk to Mike. Ryan's father. So I made contact. We've interacted a few times over the last month online, and every time there is contact he achieves hurting my feelings. I think sometimes I'm actully an idealist, and not the realist that I think I am. I guess sometimes things just aren't going to happen. Even if something is drawing you to them. I was hoping to salvage some kind of friendship, for Ryan. My intention was not to hurt, was very pure actually. But I guess not.
When Mike is ready to talk to me, if ever, he knows where I'm at. But I don't need any hate or anger towards me right now. I'm trying to get those things out of my life. I should never have tried. I have this theory that your potential to hate is directly controlled by your potential to love. The depth of your hate is as deep as you once loved someone.
*****************************************************************
Baby steps. Baby steps are good. Today I was all prepared to write a letter to my neighbor. My nasty neighbor. My nasty neighbor, who lives in filth, whose house is covered on the inside by animal feces, rotting everything, trash, filth, has no air-conditioning, whose house smells, who is the reason I can't even sit on my porch at night, have a barbeque in my back yard, or invite friends over because of the smell. I never had roaches until they came into my house. Now I have to keep a bottle of Raid around always. Who has a flock of pigeons on her roof that shit all over my van, my window sills, my porch, and inside my van if we accidentally leave the window down. Who just delivered a baby, yes a baby, which I've never seen yet (at least 2 weeks ago), a baby that I think died because of the conditions in their filthy diseased home. Who is affecting the value of my property by being next to me. Did you ever see Steven King's Carrie? Think Carrie crossed by the nasty cat lady with a zillion animals in her house who never bathes. Yeah. My nasty nasty neighbors. But because we live in an old neighborhood with no neighborhood association no one can help us. Trust me we have explored every legal avenue. Have tried everything short of arson - which yes, sounded very appealing at one point. I get so angry, so frustrated, so hateful when I think about it. And rightly so, they are so disgusting. I wish I could show you pictures. But the hate isn't helping me. I had a letter all written in my head. Once again, I was feeling valid in being hurtful because I had a right to be angry. I was all prepared to ask them, in so many nice words, to please do something about the smell. To let them know how disgusting they are. To let them know I think there is a place in hell for evil people like them for being the cause of their baby's death due to the plain filth and disease in their house. Oh, I had a really good letter.
And I stopped myself. I stopped. No letter. I let it go. At least for tonight. Baby steps.
I think I'll just have a really nice night with Royce tonight. Tyler and I are going for a walk right now. Its after dark, cool enough to be outside. Gonna walk to the Chinese Center, my place of solice, my place of peace. My place. Gonna try and find the stray kitties we feed over there, and give them a snack.
Its all good. Baby steps.
When Mike is ready to talk to me, if ever, he knows where I'm at. But I don't need any hate or anger towards me right now. I'm trying to get those things out of my life. I should never have tried. I have this theory that your potential to hate is directly controlled by your potential to love. The depth of your hate is as deep as you once loved someone.
*****************************************************************
Baby steps. Baby steps are good. Today I was all prepared to write a letter to my neighbor. My nasty neighbor. My nasty neighbor, who lives in filth, whose house is covered on the inside by animal feces, rotting everything, trash, filth, has no air-conditioning, whose house smells, who is the reason I can't even sit on my porch at night, have a barbeque in my back yard, or invite friends over because of the smell. I never had roaches until they came into my house. Now I have to keep a bottle of Raid around always. Who has a flock of pigeons on her roof that shit all over my van, my window sills, my porch, and inside my van if we accidentally leave the window down. Who just delivered a baby, yes a baby, which I've never seen yet (at least 2 weeks ago), a baby that I think died because of the conditions in their filthy diseased home. Who is affecting the value of my property by being next to me. Did you ever see Steven King's Carrie? Think Carrie crossed by the nasty cat lady with a zillion animals in her house who never bathes. Yeah. My nasty nasty neighbors. But because we live in an old neighborhood with no neighborhood association no one can help us. Trust me we have explored every legal avenue. Have tried everything short of arson - which yes, sounded very appealing at one point. I get so angry, so frustrated, so hateful when I think about it. And rightly so, they are so disgusting. I wish I could show you pictures. But the hate isn't helping me. I had a letter all written in my head. Once again, I was feeling valid in being hurtful because I had a right to be angry. I was all prepared to ask them, in so many nice words, to please do something about the smell. To let them know how disgusting they are. To let them know I think there is a place in hell for evil people like them for being the cause of their baby's death due to the plain filth and disease in their house. Oh, I had a really good letter.
And I stopped myself. I stopped. No letter. I let it go. At least for tonight. Baby steps.
I think I'll just have a really nice night with Royce tonight. Tyler and I are going for a walk right now. Its after dark, cool enough to be outside. Gonna walk to the Chinese Center, my place of solice, my place of peace. My place. Gonna try and find the stray kitties we feed over there, and give them a snack.
Its all good. Baby steps.
Actually got cancelled tonight - they didn't even need me on 61. That's crazy. So Tyler and I went to the gym. I would love to say that it felt good, but it didn't. But, I gotta keep going. I think I'm just tired.
Its nice to have a night off.
Trailady - I read your "Long Road" posts - I was totally enthralled. You have had an amazing life. The things you have been through. I just wanted to cry. I always liked you and your blog, but now I look at you in a whole new light. How did you ever get to where you are today? I can relate to alot of those things. I think I emerged from my stuff quite hardened though. You seem so soft and unscathed. Thank you for letting us into such a personal part of your life.
You are amazing.
I'm waiting for the next segment.
For anyone who would like to read it, go to:
http://gracewood.blogspot.com/
Its nice to have a night off.
Trailady - I read your "Long Road" posts - I was totally enthralled. You have had an amazing life. The things you have been through. I just wanted to cry. I always liked you and your blog, but now I look at you in a whole new light. How did you ever get to where you are today? I can relate to alot of those things. I think I emerged from my stuff quite hardened though. You seem so soft and unscathed. Thank you for letting us into such a personal part of your life.
You are amazing.
I'm waiting for the next segment.
For anyone who would like to read it, go to:
http://gracewood.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
On day 2 of my most likely 6 day stretch of work. Technically its nights, but you know what I mean. Nikki, I'm very proud of you for joining the gym, its not an easy step to take. Can be very intimidating and overwhelming. But did you have fun? You are absolutely right, you can not make people do something they don't want to do, or feel a way that they don't. But you can have complete control over your decisions and reactions, especially one like exercising. I haven't been exercising much lately, and you are inspiring me to get out there and do it. I'm working alot this week, but when I am done, I'm going to the gym and run again. My knee feels better. I started to find that I needed the exersize for my mental well being more than anything else, and losing weight and looking better have turned into pleasant side effects - not the driving force. I need to start Yoga again too. Even if its just the easy stuff. Its so good for my inside. I would love to make New Year's Plans. This New Year's will be our 3rd anniversary.
I've been really preoccupied with financial stuff lately. Not in an unspiritual, materialistic way, but in a "I finally need to get control of this shithole I've dug myself into" way. Can anyone relate? I'm a nurse, make good money, you would think I'm doing ok. But no, I am really irresponsible with money. We have been making steps. Baby steps. Thats all I can do. Baby steps are good. We got the brakes on the van fixed. Big Baby step. We were driving without insurance. It is now insured and we are now legal. Its feels good. Next is the air conditioning, the shocks, and the oil leak. It really is a great van. Just needs some work. I love it. I would rather lovingly fix it up than to buy a new vehicle, have ungodly payments, and extreme full coverage insurance payments. Its just not worth it to me. And besides, I really love the van. We also got the title in our name ( Doug still had not cleaned the title and signed it over, it was paid for in February and he just kept putting it off ). So all that is done now. Its ours fully, legal, and is safe. Now we need to get it comfortable, with the air.
Baby steps. We got a lot done this weekend. I also started a saving account, got overdraft protection, and my checking account is not negative right now. This is good. Every month $25 will be automatically deposited into savings. This is good. Royce got his trading account back today - put like $800 in and is going to start trading again. This is good. And it makes him so happy. And he really is good at it. I also am putting more money into my 401 K at work - $200 every paycheck just comes out, I never even see it. And it is pretaxed. This is good. But my housepayment is still behind. Getting kind of serious too. I'm working all this week. I'm very stressed about this, don't want to lose my house ( I think I would just die if I did), but there is nothing I can do except work right now. My credit score is so bad, something like 525 last time I checked, and I have wrecked Royces credit some. I have to change this. I will change this.
So I've been taking the herb, Vitex Agnus-Castus (Vitex), that Dr. Baker told me might help. It is amazing. I honestly feel like I'm on an antidepressant, without all the nasty side effects, except a little nausea when I wake up in the mornings sometimes. I can deal with that. No zombie like feeling. No apathy. Just a much more balanced and positive outlook. And its an herb, can you even believe that? And its a fraction of the cost of what I would pay for an antidepressant. The fact that it is working so well lets me know that it was very much female hormonally related. Apparently its been used for hundreds of years to treat female symptoms. I feel great. Its been a month and a half, and Royce and I can already see such a big difference. I feel so much better overall, and I feel really good about fixing myself by myself.
I keep thinking about what Robin wrote to me. Not limiting my thinking. How you can do anything if you don't limit yourself. I really like what she wrote. I really do keep going back to it in my head. Keep thinking about the bar. Someday.
We went to the Brass Rail this morning after work. It was a lot of fun. They have great food, good drinks, and great prices. Robin, Valerie, Kerry and her husband, and me. Going there after work is becoming a habit.
Heather, I got your email. My heart is with you. You really are a kindred spirit to me. I respect you for doing what you need to do. For following your heart. For being open and true to yourself. For taking the road less traveled, the not-so-easy path cause its the right thing to do. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. I know you will be ok. I know the right thing will make itself clear. I respect you for even looking for the right thing. More people should do this. I will be working Wednesday through Saturday. I will find you if you don't find me first. Love you. You will find your way.
Not going to get to do the race on Saturday up in Flagstaff. Need to work. The Saturday night shift, if I work all the rest of this week, will be an on-call overtime shift. Extremely high dollar. Gotta do it. There will be more races. Tyler was disappointed though. But I'm sure its better for him to be disappointed in his HOUSE cause I made the payment, than to be happy doing the race and coming home to the street cause its his new home.
Decisions, decisions. I hate being an adult. Sometimes I flat out refuse to be one. Maybe that is my problem with money. I hate adult life and problems and decisions. When none of the choices is the good one, simply the lesser of the two evils. Especially when it is about money. I hate money. I hate how it rules my life.
Got to work on postpartum last night and tonight. Nice and easy, very relaxed, nicest floor to work on. Got spoiled the last two nights. Who knows where I will be tomorrow night. Maybe 61. God forbid. But maybe Heather will be there with me.
What robin wrote to me on June 8:
Anonymous said...
Robin says ....Oh I can totally relate to your feelings of being "stuck" the hot weather,the pollution etc. I dream of getting away, going to california, starting all over again, trying to play on the pro beach circut, finishing what I started years ago. I miss the east coast, cape cod, Brookline , the beautiful seasons changing of the leaves, the ocean, Nantucket, martha's vineyard. etc. the smell of fresh cut grass and the fresh air smell when the wind blows by you. All I can say to you is what my heart screams..... hang in there love. There are better things to come in this life. It is what you make of it. Try to find the positive. You can control your emotions and your destiny. BRAINSTORM with your hubby. when you do, it is like you can both accomplish anything. Even if the idea is silly. You will even laugh with the crazy ideas you can come up with. I already know that you guys have brainstormed and told your desires. The "bar " you want to own. Maybe you will become millionaires when the time is right for the property that you own now. You are in the "mainstream area when it comes to downtown px. Val and I are going out after work in the am for a nitecap at the brass rail. wish you could be there. missing you. rockin R.
Cathy, I keep hearing in my head something you wrote to me that same day.
You said:
"I think about going somewhere cooler too, then I turn up the ac in the car and go to work. Working on getting out of the rat race.. each and every dollar counts."
Its weird - but that statement, "each and every dollar counts" has been stuck in my head, and has actually been helping me get to work and get through the day.
Peace
I've been really preoccupied with financial stuff lately. Not in an unspiritual, materialistic way, but in a "I finally need to get control of this shithole I've dug myself into" way. Can anyone relate? I'm a nurse, make good money, you would think I'm doing ok. But no, I am really irresponsible with money. We have been making steps. Baby steps. Thats all I can do. Baby steps are good. We got the brakes on the van fixed. Big Baby step. We were driving without insurance. It is now insured and we are now legal. Its feels good. Next is the air conditioning, the shocks, and the oil leak. It really is a great van. Just needs some work. I love it. I would rather lovingly fix it up than to buy a new vehicle, have ungodly payments, and extreme full coverage insurance payments. Its just not worth it to me. And besides, I really love the van. We also got the title in our name ( Doug still had not cleaned the title and signed it over, it was paid for in February and he just kept putting it off ). So all that is done now. Its ours fully, legal, and is safe. Now we need to get it comfortable, with the air.
Baby steps. We got a lot done this weekend. I also started a saving account, got overdraft protection, and my checking account is not negative right now. This is good. Every month $25 will be automatically deposited into savings. This is good. Royce got his trading account back today - put like $800 in and is going to start trading again. This is good. And it makes him so happy. And he really is good at it. I also am putting more money into my 401 K at work - $200 every paycheck just comes out, I never even see it. And it is pretaxed. This is good. But my housepayment is still behind. Getting kind of serious too. I'm working all this week. I'm very stressed about this, don't want to lose my house ( I think I would just die if I did), but there is nothing I can do except work right now. My credit score is so bad, something like 525 last time I checked, and I have wrecked Royces credit some. I have to change this. I will change this.
So I've been taking the herb, Vitex Agnus-Castus (Vitex), that Dr. Baker told me might help. It is amazing. I honestly feel like I'm on an antidepressant, without all the nasty side effects, except a little nausea when I wake up in the mornings sometimes. I can deal with that. No zombie like feeling. No apathy. Just a much more balanced and positive outlook. And its an herb, can you even believe that? And its a fraction of the cost of what I would pay for an antidepressant. The fact that it is working so well lets me know that it was very much female hormonally related. Apparently its been used for hundreds of years to treat female symptoms. I feel great. Its been a month and a half, and Royce and I can already see such a big difference. I feel so much better overall, and I feel really good about fixing myself by myself.
I keep thinking about what Robin wrote to me. Not limiting my thinking. How you can do anything if you don't limit yourself. I really like what she wrote. I really do keep going back to it in my head. Keep thinking about the bar. Someday.
We went to the Brass Rail this morning after work. It was a lot of fun. They have great food, good drinks, and great prices. Robin, Valerie, Kerry and her husband, and me. Going there after work is becoming a habit.
Heather, I got your email. My heart is with you. You really are a kindred spirit to me. I respect you for doing what you need to do. For following your heart. For being open and true to yourself. For taking the road less traveled, the not-so-easy path cause its the right thing to do. I am thinking about you and sending good thoughts your way. I know you will be ok. I know the right thing will make itself clear. I respect you for even looking for the right thing. More people should do this. I will be working Wednesday through Saturday. I will find you if you don't find me first. Love you. You will find your way.
Not going to get to do the race on Saturday up in Flagstaff. Need to work. The Saturday night shift, if I work all the rest of this week, will be an on-call overtime shift. Extremely high dollar. Gotta do it. There will be more races. Tyler was disappointed though. But I'm sure its better for him to be disappointed in his HOUSE cause I made the payment, than to be happy doing the race and coming home to the street cause its his new home.
Decisions, decisions. I hate being an adult. Sometimes I flat out refuse to be one. Maybe that is my problem with money. I hate adult life and problems and decisions. When none of the choices is the good one, simply the lesser of the two evils. Especially when it is about money. I hate money. I hate how it rules my life.
Got to work on postpartum last night and tonight. Nice and easy, very relaxed, nicest floor to work on. Got spoiled the last two nights. Who knows where I will be tomorrow night. Maybe 61. God forbid. But maybe Heather will be there with me.
What robin wrote to me on June 8:
Anonymous said...
Robin says ....Oh I can totally relate to your feelings of being "stuck" the hot weather,the pollution etc. I dream of getting away, going to california, starting all over again, trying to play on the pro beach circut, finishing what I started years ago. I miss the east coast, cape cod, Brookline , the beautiful seasons changing of the leaves, the ocean, Nantucket, martha's vineyard. etc. the smell of fresh cut grass and the fresh air smell when the wind blows by you. All I can say to you is what my heart screams..... hang in there love. There are better things to come in this life. It is what you make of it. Try to find the positive. You can control your emotions and your destiny. BRAINSTORM with your hubby. when you do, it is like you can both accomplish anything. Even if the idea is silly. You will even laugh with the crazy ideas you can come up with. I already know that you guys have brainstormed and told your desires. The "bar " you want to own. Maybe you will become millionaires when the time is right for the property that you own now. You are in the "mainstream area when it comes to downtown px. Val and I are going out after work in the am for a nitecap at the brass rail. wish you could be there. missing you. rockin R.
Cathy, I keep hearing in my head something you wrote to me that same day.
You said:
"I think about going somewhere cooler too, then I turn up the ac in the car and go to work. Working on getting out of the rat race.. each and every dollar counts."
Its weird - but that statement, "each and every dollar counts" has been stuck in my head, and has actually been helping me get to work and get through the day.
Peace
Monday, June 12, 2006
Sunday, June 11, 2006
Cleaning the kitchen to Stevie Ray Vaughan - Pride and Joy.
VooDoo Child, Crossfire.
Its all good.
A little Johnny Lang, John Mayer, Roger Cline, and always Aerosmith.
I love it when white guys can jam. Not listening cause they are white, but cause I love the music. But boy can those white boys get down.
Its all good. Very, Very good.
VooDoo Child, Crossfire.
Its all good.
A little Johnny Lang, John Mayer, Roger Cline, and always Aerosmith.
I love it when white guys can jam. Not listening cause they are white, but cause I love the music. But boy can those white boys get down.
Its all good. Very, Very good.
Saturday, June 10, 2006
Tonight, I strayed from my usual Korn, Pink Floyd, Marilyn Manson, Motley Crue, my hard, angry, rebellious, dark. I went back, way back to where my heart used to be, to the music that first gave birth to my soul. Etude in C sharp minor (opus10, #4) I'm sure some of you remember that one, I only played it to death for like 5 years, the Revolutionary Etude, the Minute Waltz, the 1st Chopin Ballade, the Appasionata - specifically the 3rd movement, Clair de Lune, Moonlight Sonata. Chopin, Beethoven, Debussy.
I'm listening to Moonlight Sonata right now. 1st movement. And I'm actually in tears. Its funny how Korn and Moonlight Sonata can touch the same place inside me. Can do the same thing to me. Where it changes so subtly from major to minor. The very end, I can't even describe it, how it ascends and descends. To me, probably the most quiet, yet one of the most intense climaxes in a piece of music. Technically, such a simple piece. But to play it right - ahhhhhhh, that is the real challenge. To be naked. How many times I've played it.
I don't want regrets. Yet I have some. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. Yet sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I DIDN'T do.
I changed my myspace song to Moonlight Sonata.
I think I'm going to start playing again.
I'm listening to Moonlight Sonata right now. 1st movement. And I'm actually in tears. Its funny how Korn and Moonlight Sonata can touch the same place inside me. Can do the same thing to me. Where it changes so subtly from major to minor. The very end, I can't even describe it, how it ascends and descends. To me, probably the most quiet, yet one of the most intense climaxes in a piece of music. Technically, such a simple piece. But to play it right - ahhhhhhh, that is the real challenge. To be naked. How many times I've played it.
I don't want regrets. Yet I have some. I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. Yet sometimes I'm so ashamed of what I DIDN'T do.
I changed my myspace song to Moonlight Sonata.
I think I'm going to start playing again.
Read a little book called, "The Five People You Meet In Heaven." Good book. I would recommend it. Makes you think. Easy read. I finished it in a couple of hours, and I am a slow reader. But leaves a mark.
I think of things in nursing terms alot, go figure. I think I'm doing a debridement of my insides, of the wounds, and the subsequent dressing changes. Sometimes you can't just leave things to heal, you have to keep scraping and cleaning and washing to make sure they heal right. To make sure all the toxins are out. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. But it will heal completely after that, if done right.
I love you Royce. So very very much. Thank you for standing by me. Thank you for speaking up for me. Thank you for giving up everything you have given up. I love you.
Wednesday, June 07, 2006
Kind of just struggling to get through the days. The heat is killing me. Don't even want to go outside. Then at night, it doesn't even cool off. I act like this is a new experience for me. I've only lived here in hell for 35 years. You would think I'd be used to it by now. But its the opposite. Every summer that comes I tolerate the heat a little less. The older I get the more I want to not live here. Every day I've been thinking a little more about getting the hell out of hell. Thinking about the Pacific Northwest. Oregon, Washington, Northern Cali. Even Prescott or Flagstaff. Everytime we drive up there, I don't want to drive back. I know eventually I will be somewhere else. So what is keeping me here? My kids, their school, my house, my mortgage, the fact that probably no one else is ever going to sell me a house, the price of houses, my mom and dad, Royce's mom and dad, my job. Those things. Yeah.
I hate being stuck. Stuck in my head. Immobilized by the "what if". I honestly believe that you can't live that way, yet here I am doing it. That you have to live like its your last day, yet prepare like you will live till 100. I'm not doing either one of those things. Last summer we almost moved to Prescott. We were this close. Then decided against it. Just picking up and moving, and dealing with the changes. Where would I be right now if we did that?
I want to live somewhere where it is green. Somewhere not so hot. Somewhere it rains. Somewhere not so populated. Somewhere with clean air. Somewhere Royce and I can start off with a house that is "ours", something we built together, not something he inherited, with lots of memories in it. Somewhere with a better school system and a better neighborhood. Somewhere that is better for the kids. Somewhere away from my horrible, smelly, digusting, freak neighbors. Somewhere with trees.
Somewhere where life is better. Somewhere nice.
This thought is starting to get to me. Starting to eat at me.
There was a dust storm last night. It is actually called a haboob. A very intense dust storm. You could actually see it coming. There was a wall of dust thousands of feet high, and you could actually see where it started and stopped. It was amazing. We went outside for it. Its almost ominous to see this weather phenomenon that actually has a visible thousand foot "wall" coming toward you. They are awesome though. We sat outside. The whole sky turned brown, winds got pretty strong, little birds were flying sideways, visibility was maybe 500 feet, and the temperature dropped about 20 degrees or more. The air was actually cool. It was such a nice change. I love storms. Any kind. I love the monsoon. Hope it doesn't cheat and tease us this years. It is truly the only good thing about summer here. The monsoon. Hopefully there will be some Auntie Em weather this year.
Still thinking. Almost want to impulsively drive up to Prescott today. Maybe we will.
Maybe I'll plan for it. Gee, thats a new concept for me. Planning. Maybe I'll plan this whole summer and next year, and move the summer after that, so Tyler can start high school in a better place. I think that sounds good.
Thinking.
Listening to Dead Can Dance.
I hate being stuck. Stuck in my head. Immobilized by the "what if". I honestly believe that you can't live that way, yet here I am doing it. That you have to live like its your last day, yet prepare like you will live till 100. I'm not doing either one of those things. Last summer we almost moved to Prescott. We were this close. Then decided against it. Just picking up and moving, and dealing with the changes. Where would I be right now if we did that?
I want to live somewhere where it is green. Somewhere not so hot. Somewhere it rains. Somewhere not so populated. Somewhere with clean air. Somewhere Royce and I can start off with a house that is "ours", something we built together, not something he inherited, with lots of memories in it. Somewhere with a better school system and a better neighborhood. Somewhere that is better for the kids. Somewhere away from my horrible, smelly, digusting, freak neighbors. Somewhere with trees.
Somewhere where life is better. Somewhere nice.
This thought is starting to get to me. Starting to eat at me.
There was a dust storm last night. It is actually called a haboob. A very intense dust storm. You could actually see it coming. There was a wall of dust thousands of feet high, and you could actually see where it started and stopped. It was amazing. We went outside for it. Its almost ominous to see this weather phenomenon that actually has a visible thousand foot "wall" coming toward you. They are awesome though. We sat outside. The whole sky turned brown, winds got pretty strong, little birds were flying sideways, visibility was maybe 500 feet, and the temperature dropped about 20 degrees or more. The air was actually cool. It was such a nice change. I love storms. Any kind. I love the monsoon. Hope it doesn't cheat and tease us this years. It is truly the only good thing about summer here. The monsoon. Hopefully there will be some Auntie Em weather this year.
Here's a picture of a haboob over Phoenix. Awesome, huh?
Still thinking. Almost want to impulsively drive up to Prescott today. Maybe we will.
Maybe I'll plan for it. Gee, thats a new concept for me. Planning. Maybe I'll plan this whole summer and next year, and move the summer after that, so Tyler can start high school in a better place. I think that sounds good.
Thinking.
Listening to Dead Can Dance.
Friday, June 02, 2006
Papasangel,
It is so good to hear from you. I think about you alot. I always check your blog to see if you have written something knew. Yes, you are C. I failed to mention something in my last post though. I was even talking to Royce about this. Out of all the people that I listed (7 of them - I know, what's wrong with me?), ours was the relationship that had the greatest damage to it. That had the greatest wound. "Unrepairable" in most cases. And you are the only one that I have found a renewed and rekindled friendship with. And not a fakey one, a real "like it used to be" relationship. It seems like after everything that happened, and there was alot, we are back to being us. ( It took 13 years, but who's counting?) When I think about that, considering everything, it amazes me. That like never happens. Especially considering the nature of the wound. Most of the time damage like that is never fixed. I am so glad that we found our way back. Maybe there is hope for all the other ones in my life. Maybe if I just sit back, forgive, ask to be forgiven, and let time do its thing - just maybe some of the other relationships will heal. Honestly in my mind I don't think that will happen, because I think you and I are very unique, very honest, very spiritual people with a connection deeper than the hurt, that were brought back together by an event, and realized how much we missed each other and still love each other. I'm so sorry that the event had to be such a bad thing. I still can't believe your dad is gone. I was thinking about that the other day. I can still hear his voice. I think with us, all of our planets were aligned, so to speak. We have the right combination of history, regret, honesty, genuine friendship (that went back to Cradle Roll for goodness sake), enough time to heal, missing each other, and the event to bring it all together. I feel very lucky to have you back as a friend. I missed you alot.
What happened with us has taught me alot. Nikki just wrote a post to me. About letting go. I never realized how important it is, or how to do it, until I did it with you. I hated for so long. And was vile for so long. About a year if I remember right. And I thought I was justified in this. Then one day, I realized I didn't hate you anymore. The pain and anger were just gone. I realized how much energy I had been spending, for the last year - hating. It had eaten part of my soul. And it wouldn't let my soul do anything else. Hate is a funny thing. It is very selfish. Once it is nurtured, and lives inside you, it doesn't let anything else coexist there. All the good stuff is incompatible with it. And you THINK it feels good, because you are "right" and valid because the other person was wrong.
Last week I was informed that I had "won". That I had finally lashed out enough so as to shut my chosen victim down. I won. But I couldn't help asking myself, What did I win?
I'm learning that I don't have to lash back in order to "prove" that the other person is wrong. They can be wrong all on their own, without any involvement from me. And in the end, its not really about who is right or wrong, its how you handle it. Its ok to feel hurt, even to feel angry, those are normal emotions, especially if they are valid, and its even ok to remove people from your life, but its not ok to cause more pain. Even if you are just returning the favor. Causing pain is never ok.
In all of the relationships that I listed, there was somthing that was done to me that was wrong. That hurt me. And the person that did it is responsible for that action. However, I am responsible for the amount of damage done. I am responsible for what I let it do to my soul, and for how I reacted, and for causing more pain. I went down the list, and thought of each one individually. If I would have, could have, just said, ok I don't like what you did, you were wrong, I will not let you treat me like that, what you did I can not accept, I might not be able to have you in my life, and I am angry, but I am not going to hold on to it, I am going to embrace peace. If I could have done that, every time, time may have healed all.
I hope I entirely learn this lesson before it happens with any of my children. They are small. I think I have learned it in time.
Trailady and Nikki, I am taking your words to heart. Reading them over and over. Thank you so much for taking the time to write them for me.
On a different note, I am finding that the herbs I've been taking (Vitex) and the increased exercise are fixing what is wrong with me. The exercise is hard on my body, I think my body has started rebelling against it, but I can feel a big difference in my emotional and mental state. I feel much more balanced. Gotta keep it up.
I had a car accident about 6 years ago. Pretty bad accident, thank god I was the only one hurt. In the accident the ignition and key were smashed into my right knee. I never had it looked at. I have always had a jelly-like feel to that spot, and I can always tell when it is going to rain. My recent running is really starting to hurt my knee. I don't want to stop running. If anyone out there knows what I can do to help my knee, please tell me. I wrapped it at work tonight with an ace bandage. It seems to have helped. Do I put hot or cold on it? Or both? I really don't want to stop running. But the last time I ran, yesterday, every time my foot came down it hurt bad. Please, anyone, help me!!!!! Trailady you come to mind, you seem very physical and educated about this kind of stuff. Please, help. I love running. I need to run.
It is so good to hear from you. I think about you alot. I always check your blog to see if you have written something knew. Yes, you are C. I failed to mention something in my last post though. I was even talking to Royce about this. Out of all the people that I listed (7 of them - I know, what's wrong with me?), ours was the relationship that had the greatest damage to it. That had the greatest wound. "Unrepairable" in most cases. And you are the only one that I have found a renewed and rekindled friendship with. And not a fakey one, a real "like it used to be" relationship. It seems like after everything that happened, and there was alot, we are back to being us. ( It took 13 years, but who's counting?) When I think about that, considering everything, it amazes me. That like never happens. Especially considering the nature of the wound. Most of the time damage like that is never fixed. I am so glad that we found our way back. Maybe there is hope for all the other ones in my life. Maybe if I just sit back, forgive, ask to be forgiven, and let time do its thing - just maybe some of the other relationships will heal. Honestly in my mind I don't think that will happen, because I think you and I are very unique, very honest, very spiritual people with a connection deeper than the hurt, that were brought back together by an event, and realized how much we missed each other and still love each other. I'm so sorry that the event had to be such a bad thing. I still can't believe your dad is gone. I was thinking about that the other day. I can still hear his voice. I think with us, all of our planets were aligned, so to speak. We have the right combination of history, regret, honesty, genuine friendship (that went back to Cradle Roll for goodness sake), enough time to heal, missing each other, and the event to bring it all together. I feel very lucky to have you back as a friend. I missed you alot.
What happened with us has taught me alot. Nikki just wrote a post to me. About letting go. I never realized how important it is, or how to do it, until I did it with you. I hated for so long. And was vile for so long. About a year if I remember right. And I thought I was justified in this. Then one day, I realized I didn't hate you anymore. The pain and anger were just gone. I realized how much energy I had been spending, for the last year - hating. It had eaten part of my soul. And it wouldn't let my soul do anything else. Hate is a funny thing. It is very selfish. Once it is nurtured, and lives inside you, it doesn't let anything else coexist there. All the good stuff is incompatible with it. And you THINK it feels good, because you are "right" and valid because the other person was wrong.
Last week I was informed that I had "won". That I had finally lashed out enough so as to shut my chosen victim down. I won. But I couldn't help asking myself, What did I win?
I'm learning that I don't have to lash back in order to "prove" that the other person is wrong. They can be wrong all on their own, without any involvement from me. And in the end, its not really about who is right or wrong, its how you handle it. Its ok to feel hurt, even to feel angry, those are normal emotions, especially if they are valid, and its even ok to remove people from your life, but its not ok to cause more pain. Even if you are just returning the favor. Causing pain is never ok.
In all of the relationships that I listed, there was somthing that was done to me that was wrong. That hurt me. And the person that did it is responsible for that action. However, I am responsible for the amount of damage done. I am responsible for what I let it do to my soul, and for how I reacted, and for causing more pain. I went down the list, and thought of each one individually. If I would have, could have, just said, ok I don't like what you did, you were wrong, I will not let you treat me like that, what you did I can not accept, I might not be able to have you in my life, and I am angry, but I am not going to hold on to it, I am going to embrace peace. If I could have done that, every time, time may have healed all.
I hope I entirely learn this lesson before it happens with any of my children. They are small. I think I have learned it in time.
Trailady and Nikki, I am taking your words to heart. Reading them over and over. Thank you so much for taking the time to write them for me.
On a different note, I am finding that the herbs I've been taking (Vitex) and the increased exercise are fixing what is wrong with me. The exercise is hard on my body, I think my body has started rebelling against it, but I can feel a big difference in my emotional and mental state. I feel much more balanced. Gotta keep it up.
I had a car accident about 6 years ago. Pretty bad accident, thank god I was the only one hurt. In the accident the ignition and key were smashed into my right knee. I never had it looked at. I have always had a jelly-like feel to that spot, and I can always tell when it is going to rain. My recent running is really starting to hurt my knee. I don't want to stop running. If anyone out there knows what I can do to help my knee, please tell me. I wrapped it at work tonight with an ace bandage. It seems to have helped. Do I put hot or cold on it? Or both? I really don't want to stop running. But the last time I ran, yesterday, every time my foot came down it hurt bad. Please, anyone, help me!!!!! Trailady you come to mind, you seem very physical and educated about this kind of stuff. Please, help. I love running. I need to run.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
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