I'd like to say Happy Birthday. It is today, if I remember right. I usually have a pretty good memory - for things like that. I wish I could call, and say Happy Birthday, but its not like that anymore. I still remember going and seeing Nemo. We laughed so hard, so hard we were crying, we were still laughing when we got home, I think my mom thought we were drunk we were laughing so hard. I thought about calling, but you aren't very good at faking it. I can hear it in your voice. I thought we would always be friends.
I hate what you did, I don't understand it, part of me hates part of you for it, but alot of me just misses you.
Happy Birthday.
Trailady, thank you for your comment. It is profound. I just don't think I'm there yet, and I don't know how to get there. It is so where I need to be though. I think you are totally right. I don't want to regret. I regret enough. I don't know how to get where you are. I really really appreciate your words. They made me think alot - still thinking.
leaving the ball in their court. Its an amazing concept. I haven't been leaving the ball, I've been spiking it.
On the way up to the cabin on Friday I was talking to Royce. I was thinking about all the friendships that have been damaged. Every single one of them were very close to me at one point. Let's see - T, C, P, K, M, G, and my mom. I can think of each one and still see where I was right. Where I was wronged. Is the common denominator that they were all wrong, or how I handled something I didn't like?
Then I start thinking maybe I've just let the wrong ones in. If I was very careful then maybe I would never have gotten that close. And never lost.
All in all you were all just bricks in the wall.
And the wall goes up.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
At work right now. Actually have an English speaking patient. And she's actually nice - not incarcerated or on drugs or like 13 years old. How nice for me. Its a banner day.
Went to the gym yesterday. Stayed on the treadmill for the whole 3.1 miles - the distance the 5K will be. It took me 51 minutes and 28 seconds. I got up to 4.5 mph, but mostly ran at 3.8 mph. I stopped and started, ran then walked, can't run the whole thing non-stop. Ran for 1.2 miles non-stop though. I have got to get that time down. I have been doing this so far without energy drinks or anything before. Maybe I will break down and start using them. Tyler went with me too. I like starting to get him in the gym while he is young. He has a lot of potential. Any kind of physical exercizing was never addressed in my house growing up. It was just not a part of anyone's life. Never talked about, never anything. Tyler didn't do alot yesterday, his foot is hurt, one of the kids at school kicked him a couple of weeks ago. I hope he can do the race. He likes the machines at the gym. Especially the hydraulic ones.
I ate good yesterday and got enough sleep. I didn't do my yoga though. It seems like that is the thing I put at the bottom of my priority list every day.
Hopefully I will work tonight. We really need the money.
I ate good yesterday and got enough sleep. I didn't do my yoga though. It seems like that is the thing I put at the bottom of my priority list every day.
Hopefully I will work tonight. We really need the money.
Sunday, May 28, 2006
The trip up north was so nice. We really needed it. We got there at about 5 (stupid me decided to travel on Friday of Memorial Day weekend). Showered - we hadn't had time to shower yet that day, drove up in the sweaty miserable heat (we have no air conditioning in the van yet), then got there and showered. It felt so good. Soft water too. My hair was so soft - and looked fantabulous after I washed it. Relaxivated for a few, checked out the cabin - it was so nice. Drove to Prescott to have dinner at the Prescott Brewery. Walked by the town square (they were having an arts festival). Walked down Whiskey Row, stopped at the Bird Cage Saloon where Royce had a couple of drinks. I drove back to the cabin. Called home to check on the kids. Got in the jacuzzi, had wine (3 bottles), cheese, strawberries, window open so the cold air could come in, and stayed naked in the jacuzzi and watched tv for like 3 hours. It was so nice. Went to bed. Had spectacular sex.
Woke up at about 6, to a blue and pink sky and birds, stayed in bed till about 8. I was not going to waste that morning or that cabin sleeping. Got up, made coffee, went out and sat out on the porch. Just listened to the birds, the wind, the sound of cars passing on the highway. Saw a bunny. Drank my coffee. Sat out there a long time. Thinking. Got something to eat at the lodge. Got back in the jacuzzi before we had to check out. Royce got a picture of me sitting in the heart shaped jacuzzi with bubbles up to my neck.
Decided to explore a little. First went to Arcosanti. I was totally speachless. Its the architectural experiment started in 1970 by architect Paolo Soleri which combines architecture with ecology, called arcology. Its amazing. The things they are planning are amazing. It will look like something out of Star Wars. If you would like to see it go to: http://www.arcosanti.org/. They have festivals and concerts, and a restaurant, and sell wind chimes. Beautiful wind chimes. They are planning on making it a city. A huge, state of the art, huge community that has a different outlook on life. Conservation of resources and state of the art technology. Its amazing. I love it that they strategically placed it half way between Los Angeles, super-consumerism, and Las Vegas, super-hedonism. I love that thinking.
Ended up at Young's Farm where they were having a pie festival. Saw animals, bought some taffy for the kids, walked around. Drove into Prescott, stopped at Bucky's casino, blew 50 bucks. Drove around Prescott for awhile, ended up at Links Lake. Its so beautiful there. We used to go there so much as kids, with my dad. It was one of his favorite places. We would divert there when we were up at Campmeeting. My dad will never be able to go there again. I was sad and happy there at the same time. I took some pictures that I'm going to blow up and give to him. He may not even comprehend what I'm trying to show him, but I'm going to do it anyhow. Maybe for his birthday. Its next week.
Left Prescott. Drove back to Mayer, had dinner at the Harley Davidson restaurant. Killer burgers. Great music - I knew every song, like thats surprising. We WILL have one someday. Someday we'll be driving up there on our bikes.
Drove home.
I knew we needed some time away from life, from work, from the house, from stress, time for ourselves, just Royce and me - but I didn't know how much. We spent every minute together, with no responsibility, no deadline, no housework, never once did we have to be somewhere or do something at a specific time. 3 hours naked in the jacuzzi. Yeah. I don't realize how important it is to nurture relationships. They aren't just going to be ok. You have to make sure they are ok.
I want to thank Joyce for suggesting Creekside Preserve. We loved it and will go back.
I want to thank Megan too. Megan is Robin's daughter and babysat for us the whole time. A babysitter that you can trust, with your children, your house, who is mature enough to handle whatever happens when you are gone, who is good with little kids, who the kids like, who won't trash the house or let the kids trash the house, who will make sure they eat and go to bed, who keeps them safe - PRICELESS. Invaluable. Thank you so much. We so hope you will do it again. (We finally have a babysitter - we are so excited !!!!)
I did alot of thinking on this trip. On the way up, on the porch, in the jacuzzi, driving around. About alot of things. Had some people on my mind. Karl and Sharon. Spent alot of time inside my head with that one. Learned some things about myself. Some things I didn't like, but at least now realize, and now can change.
Heather, I've been thinking about you alot too. Alot. I hope you are ok. I know you will be ok. I think you know in your heart what you need to do. Things aren't always black and white. People will say that they are, but they aren't. If you can do the "perfect" thing, then that is great. Its beautiful for everyone. But if you know in your heart that it can't ever be that way, then you know. I don't think you can live a lie. And actually, I respect you more for that. I'm making a rule for myself. I'm never going to give advice unless it is asked for. You asked me what to do. I think you need some time by yourself to think. I wish I could take you up to the cabin we were just at. It has a way of making the right things obvious. Something about being alone and sitting in nature, and listening to the breeze. Something about that makes things very clear. I know your heart is hurting. But I think you already know what you need to do. The fact that you are hurting just means you have a soul.
I've been thinking about my mom too. Worried. Not sure she is ok. Regretting what has become of us. Wondering how much I will regret when she is gone. Wondering who is right, her or me. Wondering if it matters who is right. Wondering if that ever matters.
Heather, I will always be there for you. If you need to hit the Brass Rail again, and again, and again, I'm there. And when you knock on my door and say, we're going to Jerome, its time - I'm there. Let me know. There are two songs that keep running through my head when I think about you. The song from Toy Story (I love that movie) "You've got a friend in me", and "Amazing" by Aerosmith. I'm going to give you my Get a Grip cd with Amazing on it. Listen to it.
Gotta start really preparing for the race Tyler and I are doing. June 17th. Gonna eat good today, exercize - hard, and do yoga. I found my tape. I'm so excited about the race. We've got to work now.
Trailady, I don't say much always to you, but I've been thinking about you too.I don't know you other than online, but I consider you a friend. I always love your comments, and think about you. Thank you for always being kind. You have a gift for making people feel better.
Deb, hope you are feeling better. 30 pounds? OMG, that is so awesome. I am so totally impressed. You are inspiring me. Sorry about your fish. Our beautiful Shadow (my big black lab) had a huge grand mal seizure in the living room the day before we left. We were so scared and so upset. We thought we were going to have to put him down. He is ok though.
Nikki, got your letter. Read it in the Harley restaurant. I love you. You did the right thing. I'm sorry its hard. I love you. Thanks for the picture. They are beautiful.
To my girl Angelina, Congratulations on the baby!!! I'm so happy for you. Little Shiloh. What a cute name. (Hope you got the epidural). I see so many deliveries that are less than desirable. Not the greatest experience. I'm so glad she had everthing perfect, exactly how she wanted it.
Gotta get moving.
Woke up at about 6, to a blue and pink sky and birds, stayed in bed till about 8. I was not going to waste that morning or that cabin sleeping. Got up, made coffee, went out and sat out on the porch. Just listened to the birds, the wind, the sound of cars passing on the highway. Saw a bunny. Drank my coffee. Sat out there a long time. Thinking. Got something to eat at the lodge. Got back in the jacuzzi before we had to check out. Royce got a picture of me sitting in the heart shaped jacuzzi with bubbles up to my neck.
Decided to explore a little. First went to Arcosanti. I was totally speachless. Its the architectural experiment started in 1970 by architect Paolo Soleri which combines architecture with ecology, called arcology. Its amazing. The things they are planning are amazing. It will look like something out of Star Wars. If you would like to see it go to: http://www.arcosanti.org/. They have festivals and concerts, and a restaurant, and sell wind chimes. Beautiful wind chimes. They are planning on making it a city. A huge, state of the art, huge community that has a different outlook on life. Conservation of resources and state of the art technology. Its amazing. I love it that they strategically placed it half way between Los Angeles, super-consumerism, and Las Vegas, super-hedonism. I love that thinking.
Ended up at Young's Farm where they were having a pie festival. Saw animals, bought some taffy for the kids, walked around. Drove into Prescott, stopped at Bucky's casino, blew 50 bucks. Drove around Prescott for awhile, ended up at Links Lake. Its so beautiful there. We used to go there so much as kids, with my dad. It was one of his favorite places. We would divert there when we were up at Campmeeting. My dad will never be able to go there again. I was sad and happy there at the same time. I took some pictures that I'm going to blow up and give to him. He may not even comprehend what I'm trying to show him, but I'm going to do it anyhow. Maybe for his birthday. Its next week.
Left Prescott. Drove back to Mayer, had dinner at the Harley Davidson restaurant. Killer burgers. Great music - I knew every song, like thats surprising. We WILL have one someday. Someday we'll be driving up there on our bikes.
Drove home.
I knew we needed some time away from life, from work, from the house, from stress, time for ourselves, just Royce and me - but I didn't know how much. We spent every minute together, with no responsibility, no deadline, no housework, never once did we have to be somewhere or do something at a specific time. 3 hours naked in the jacuzzi. Yeah. I don't realize how important it is to nurture relationships. They aren't just going to be ok. You have to make sure they are ok.
I want to thank Joyce for suggesting Creekside Preserve. We loved it and will go back.
I want to thank Megan too. Megan is Robin's daughter and babysat for us the whole time. A babysitter that you can trust, with your children, your house, who is mature enough to handle whatever happens when you are gone, who is good with little kids, who the kids like, who won't trash the house or let the kids trash the house, who will make sure they eat and go to bed, who keeps them safe - PRICELESS. Invaluable. Thank you so much. We so hope you will do it again. (We finally have a babysitter - we are so excited !!!!)
I did alot of thinking on this trip. On the way up, on the porch, in the jacuzzi, driving around. About alot of things. Had some people on my mind. Karl and Sharon. Spent alot of time inside my head with that one. Learned some things about myself. Some things I didn't like, but at least now realize, and now can change.
Heather, I've been thinking about you alot too. Alot. I hope you are ok. I know you will be ok. I think you know in your heart what you need to do. Things aren't always black and white. People will say that they are, but they aren't. If you can do the "perfect" thing, then that is great. Its beautiful for everyone. But if you know in your heart that it can't ever be that way, then you know. I don't think you can live a lie. And actually, I respect you more for that. I'm making a rule for myself. I'm never going to give advice unless it is asked for. You asked me what to do. I think you need some time by yourself to think. I wish I could take you up to the cabin we were just at. It has a way of making the right things obvious. Something about being alone and sitting in nature, and listening to the breeze. Something about that makes things very clear. I know your heart is hurting. But I think you already know what you need to do. The fact that you are hurting just means you have a soul.
I've been thinking about my mom too. Worried. Not sure she is ok. Regretting what has become of us. Wondering how much I will regret when she is gone. Wondering who is right, her or me. Wondering if it matters who is right. Wondering if that ever matters.
Heather, I will always be there for you. If you need to hit the Brass Rail again, and again, and again, I'm there. And when you knock on my door and say, we're going to Jerome, its time - I'm there. Let me know. There are two songs that keep running through my head when I think about you. The song from Toy Story (I love that movie) "You've got a friend in me", and "Amazing" by Aerosmith. I'm going to give you my Get a Grip cd with Amazing on it. Listen to it.
Gotta start really preparing for the race Tyler and I are doing. June 17th. Gonna eat good today, exercize - hard, and do yoga. I found my tape. I'm so excited about the race. We've got to work now.
Trailady, I don't say much always to you, but I've been thinking about you too.I don't know you other than online, but I consider you a friend. I always love your comments, and think about you. Thank you for always being kind. You have a gift for making people feel better.
Deb, hope you are feeling better. 30 pounds? OMG, that is so awesome. I am so totally impressed. You are inspiring me. Sorry about your fish. Our beautiful Shadow (my big black lab) had a huge grand mal seizure in the living room the day before we left. We were so scared and so upset. We thought we were going to have to put him down. He is ok though.
Nikki, got your letter. Read it in the Harley restaurant. I love you. You did the right thing. I'm sorry its hard. I love you. Thanks for the picture. They are beautiful.
To my girl Angelina, Congratulations on the baby!!! I'm so happy for you. Little Shiloh. What a cute name. (Hope you got the epidural). I see so many deliveries that are less than desirable. Not the greatest experience. I'm so glad she had everthing perfect, exactly how she wanted it.
Gotta get moving.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
I need to give an apology.
The hurt that I caused was done publickly, and so my apology will be public also.
For about a year now I have had a little battle going. I have instigated the battle, tried to provoke, and been very hurtful. I have tried to humiliate and tear down another person, because I was angry. The person I have hurt is Sharon. Two days ago I left another especially hurtful comment on Sharon's blog. I lashed out at her unprovoked - at least unprovoked by her. I was intending to be hurtful.
Sharon evokes very negative things in me. This is not because of anything she herself has done, but because of stuff inside of me. Up till this point I have thought that I had a right to speak my mind and to even be hurtful because it was a public forum.
I also just realized something about myself. I often think that if my opinion is right, than I have the right to be hurtful. I didn't even realized I felt and behaved this way. Until now. Over that last 24 hours, I've reflected back on how many ex-relationships I've done this with. Makes me think.
People have a right to voice their opinions, whatever they be. But people also have a right to be treated civilly (sp?). I exercised my rights, but did not respect hers.
I'm not saying that I agree with her, I don't, and I even have the right to disagree, even online, but I don't have the right to abuse. And looking back, I feel like this is what I did. The reasons for my anger were in no way caused by Sharon - by other people and things, but she was completely innocent. I attacked her, without any regard to how it would make her feel. This was wrong. And I apologize, publickly to you Sharon, right now. I will not do it again, and will not leave you any comments anymore. I hope that you will accept my apology.
Very Sincerely,
Barb
The hurt that I caused was done publickly, and so my apology will be public also.
For about a year now I have had a little battle going. I have instigated the battle, tried to provoke, and been very hurtful. I have tried to humiliate and tear down another person, because I was angry. The person I have hurt is Sharon. Two days ago I left another especially hurtful comment on Sharon's blog. I lashed out at her unprovoked - at least unprovoked by her. I was intending to be hurtful.
Sharon evokes very negative things in me. This is not because of anything she herself has done, but because of stuff inside of me. Up till this point I have thought that I had a right to speak my mind and to even be hurtful because it was a public forum.
I also just realized something about myself. I often think that if my opinion is right, than I have the right to be hurtful. I didn't even realized I felt and behaved this way. Until now. Over that last 24 hours, I've reflected back on how many ex-relationships I've done this with. Makes me think.
People have a right to voice their opinions, whatever they be. But people also have a right to be treated civilly (sp?). I exercised my rights, but did not respect hers.
I'm not saying that I agree with her, I don't, and I even have the right to disagree, even online, but I don't have the right to abuse. And looking back, I feel like this is what I did. The reasons for my anger were in no way caused by Sharon - by other people and things, but she was completely innocent. I attacked her, without any regard to how it would make her feel. This was wrong. And I apologize, publickly to you Sharon, right now. I will not do it again, and will not leave you any comments anymore. I hope that you will accept my apology.
Very Sincerely,
Barb
Thursday, May 25, 2006
A win win win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans
and put the Florida alligators into the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border,
take the dirt and raise the levies in New Orleans
and put the Florida alligators into the moat.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve?
Monday, May 22, 2006
Tank full of unleaded to get us to Flagstaff......................$75.00
Registration fee for me and Tyler for the 5K trail run...........$50.00
Lunch at Subway for 4...................$19.75
***************************************
Registration fee for me and Tyler for the 5K trail run...........$50.00
Lunch at Subway for 4...................$19.75
***************************************
75 degree Flagstaff weather - when you live in Phoenix and its May
P R I C E L E S S
Saturday, May 20, 2006
So today was day 4 of my new workout thing. I missed one day and kind of made up for it the next. I went to the gym this morning after work too. And I'll go tomorrow. It felt good today. Yesterday it didn't feel so good. I guess there are good days and bad days. So tomorrow I start over again with squats. This whole week I've pretty much felt like shit. Still do. I hate this.
Trailady, your comment really made me feel good. Like I'm not the only one, and like there is hope. That my work will pay off. So many doctors will tell you that there is no difference after you tie your tubes, that there is no reason for anything to be different. But I know that isn't true. I just hope what I'm doing works. Thank you Trailady for taking the time to read my post and to comment.
Heather, I miss you too. I hope you got my email.
A week from tonight we will be in the cabin.
Bought a yoga magazine today. Gotta start that too.
Gonna go watch "Knock around Boys". Royce is trying to get me in the mood. He thinks maybe Vin will help.
Trailady, your comment really made me feel good. Like I'm not the only one, and like there is hope. That my work will pay off. So many doctors will tell you that there is no difference after you tie your tubes, that there is no reason for anything to be different. But I know that isn't true. I just hope what I'm doing works. Thank you Trailady for taking the time to read my post and to comment.
Heather, I miss you too. I hope you got my email.
A week from tonight we will be in the cabin.
Bought a yoga magazine today. Gotta start that too.
Gonna go watch "Knock around Boys". Royce is trying to get me in the mood. He thinks maybe Vin will help.
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
So I finally got my ass into the gym yesterday. Its been months since I went. I went after working all night. I did 30 minutes on the eliptical machine and then did 20 squats. Then went home and slept. It actually felt really good to get in there.
I finally, after 35 years of living, have a no frills plan. I always have these grandiose plans of losing weight and getting in shape. These unattainable unrealistic goals. Not this time. I'm going to do it the old-fashioned, gut-wrenching, sweat breaking way. Maybe its different this time because I have more than one reason for doing it. Something more than being vain.
I'm going to work out everyday. No complicated plan - cardio everyday (the eliptical), 30 min. to start, and work up to an hour a day. And strength train one of 4 body parts every day - day 1 squats, day 2 biceps, day 3 calves, and day 4 triceps. And then start the whole thing over. I don't care if a professional trainer says thats not a good way to do it, like I should do one body part a week, or I should be doing more body parts, or whatever. Those are the parts I want, and thats how I'm doing it. Nothing fancy. Just hard, simple, steady work.
I'm going to keep eating healthy, mostly organic, but overall just healthy.
I will not count calories - either eaten or worked off.
I will not deprive myself of food. If I'm hungry, I'm eating. And I'm enjoying the food.
No grandiose loss plans. I want to lose 1 pound a week until Christmas. That should be right around 30 pounds. No more, no less. I'm 170 pounds today. That will make me 140 by Christmas. I'll take it.
I'm not going to expect ANY changes for at least a month (not a few days like every other time), and no drastic changes until Christmas. And then start over for another 6 months and lose another 30 pounds. 110. I'll take that too.
I am doing this for several reasons. Ever since I had my tubes tied and had my 5th child I've been having some female difficulties, and they are continuing to get worse. They are affecting my quality of life and those around me. Not minor things either. Starting to be major. And they aren't every so often, they are becoming daily. I have pain almost everyday. And when I'm either ovulating or on my period its really, really bad. Thats twice a month, at least. I've been in bed for a few days. Sometimes taken the whole week off. Lots of times I sleep with a hot water bottle and live on Motrin. The rare occasions that I've had some percocet have been wonderful. My best guess is that it is uterine. Some of it is comparable to early labor. It totally affects my activities, my relationships, and my working. I honestly just want it taken out sometimes. I don't need it anymore. I don't know if it is fibroids, endometriosis, scar tissue damage, or just from having too many babies.
Physical things are just one side of it. Actually the lesser. I'm having a really hard time with my moods. Not just normal PMS, but really bad. My bad week, the week before my period I'm horrible to live with. My sex drive has almost completely died. And there are days, more and more often, where it feels like I am just going crazy. Literally. I can find no outside reason to be upset, or down, there is no logical reason, and yet I can't seem to pull myself out of feeling so bad no matter what I do. I honestly feel at these times that I am losing it, that I'm having a nervous breakdown, that I'm going crazy. I have to redirect myself and tell myself if won't last long. I can look around and see that nothing is wrong, and so even though I feel psychotic, I know it will pass in a short time. As soon as I start to bleed, its all good. Royce says I'm a happy bleeder. Then the physical stuff starts. Yeah, lots of fun for two weeks out of the month. And it gets worse every month.
When I talked to an ob/gyn that I know he told me it could be perimenopause, or a few other things. Basically my hormone levels are off. And the treatments are basically antidepressants, diet, exercise, and hormone replacement in the form of the pill. I'm not real thrilled with the antidepressants or the pill. I don't want to be a zombie, which I was when I took them before. I don't want to be on hormones, thats the whole reason I had my tubes tied, to avoid being on them the rest of my life. I think both of these are used way to often, handed out like candy, the way we treat all overactive children with ridalyn and call it a quick fix.
I think I have a better solution.
Eating healthy. Low sweets. Its funny, when I'm not deprived I actually don't crave sweets. When I actually eat, I don't want them. Funny how that works. Cut way back on alcohol. Lots of evercize, regularly - every day. Meditation - I'm learning how to do it. Everyday - starting out with 5 minutes a day. Yoga - I need to commit to this more. Enough sleep. And herbal things, mainly Vitex. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks. I feel a little better I think. They say it takes a couple cycles to notice. But apparently it is very effective.
I'm going to heal the internal things with something other than a pill.
As far as pain goes, I think these things will help it too, at least I hope they will. And if not, I learn to live with pain. Lots of people do. Things could be worse.
I also don't want high blood pressure, heart problems, and diabetes, which I've started to have early symptoms of all of these. And I'm totally genetically predisposed.
I have total control over whether they happen or not. They aren't going to happen.
I'm going to make all of these "treatments" a priority everyday. I'm going to exercise whether I hurt or not.
Yesterday, when I was on the eliptical, a few machines down was a female at least 60 years old. She was going twice as fast for twice as long. She was toned and fit and beautiful. I want to be her when I grow up. Its a choice. Not a predestination.
Just do it, right? It felt so good yesterday.
5 or 6 hours before I'm in the gym again. Actually looking forward to it.
Peace.
I finally, after 35 years of living, have a no frills plan. I always have these grandiose plans of losing weight and getting in shape. These unattainable unrealistic goals. Not this time. I'm going to do it the old-fashioned, gut-wrenching, sweat breaking way. Maybe its different this time because I have more than one reason for doing it. Something more than being vain.
I'm going to work out everyday. No complicated plan - cardio everyday (the eliptical), 30 min. to start, and work up to an hour a day. And strength train one of 4 body parts every day - day 1 squats, day 2 biceps, day 3 calves, and day 4 triceps. And then start the whole thing over. I don't care if a professional trainer says thats not a good way to do it, like I should do one body part a week, or I should be doing more body parts, or whatever. Those are the parts I want, and thats how I'm doing it. Nothing fancy. Just hard, simple, steady work.
I'm going to keep eating healthy, mostly organic, but overall just healthy.
I will not count calories - either eaten or worked off.
I will not deprive myself of food. If I'm hungry, I'm eating. And I'm enjoying the food.
No grandiose loss plans. I want to lose 1 pound a week until Christmas. That should be right around 30 pounds. No more, no less. I'm 170 pounds today. That will make me 140 by Christmas. I'll take it.
I'm not going to expect ANY changes for at least a month (not a few days like every other time), and no drastic changes until Christmas. And then start over for another 6 months and lose another 30 pounds. 110. I'll take that too.
I am doing this for several reasons. Ever since I had my tubes tied and had my 5th child I've been having some female difficulties, and they are continuing to get worse. They are affecting my quality of life and those around me. Not minor things either. Starting to be major. And they aren't every so often, they are becoming daily. I have pain almost everyday. And when I'm either ovulating or on my period its really, really bad. Thats twice a month, at least. I've been in bed for a few days. Sometimes taken the whole week off. Lots of times I sleep with a hot water bottle and live on Motrin. The rare occasions that I've had some percocet have been wonderful. My best guess is that it is uterine. Some of it is comparable to early labor. It totally affects my activities, my relationships, and my working. I honestly just want it taken out sometimes. I don't need it anymore. I don't know if it is fibroids, endometriosis, scar tissue damage, or just from having too many babies.
Physical things are just one side of it. Actually the lesser. I'm having a really hard time with my moods. Not just normal PMS, but really bad. My bad week, the week before my period I'm horrible to live with. My sex drive has almost completely died. And there are days, more and more often, where it feels like I am just going crazy. Literally. I can find no outside reason to be upset, or down, there is no logical reason, and yet I can't seem to pull myself out of feeling so bad no matter what I do. I honestly feel at these times that I am losing it, that I'm having a nervous breakdown, that I'm going crazy. I have to redirect myself and tell myself if won't last long. I can look around and see that nothing is wrong, and so even though I feel psychotic, I know it will pass in a short time. As soon as I start to bleed, its all good. Royce says I'm a happy bleeder. Then the physical stuff starts. Yeah, lots of fun for two weeks out of the month. And it gets worse every month.
When I talked to an ob/gyn that I know he told me it could be perimenopause, or a few other things. Basically my hormone levels are off. And the treatments are basically antidepressants, diet, exercise, and hormone replacement in the form of the pill. I'm not real thrilled with the antidepressants or the pill. I don't want to be a zombie, which I was when I took them before. I don't want to be on hormones, thats the whole reason I had my tubes tied, to avoid being on them the rest of my life. I think both of these are used way to often, handed out like candy, the way we treat all overactive children with ridalyn and call it a quick fix.
I think I have a better solution.
Eating healthy. Low sweets. Its funny, when I'm not deprived I actually don't crave sweets. When I actually eat, I don't want them. Funny how that works. Cut way back on alcohol. Lots of evercize, regularly - every day. Meditation - I'm learning how to do it. Everyday - starting out with 5 minutes a day. Yoga - I need to commit to this more. Enough sleep. And herbal things, mainly Vitex. I've been taking it for about 3 weeks. I feel a little better I think. They say it takes a couple cycles to notice. But apparently it is very effective.
I'm going to heal the internal things with something other than a pill.
As far as pain goes, I think these things will help it too, at least I hope they will. And if not, I learn to live with pain. Lots of people do. Things could be worse.
I also don't want high blood pressure, heart problems, and diabetes, which I've started to have early symptoms of all of these. And I'm totally genetically predisposed.
I have total control over whether they happen or not. They aren't going to happen.
I'm going to make all of these "treatments" a priority everyday. I'm going to exercise whether I hurt or not.
Yesterday, when I was on the eliptical, a few machines down was a female at least 60 years old. She was going twice as fast for twice as long. She was toned and fit and beautiful. I want to be her when I grow up. Its a choice. Not a predestination.
Just do it, right? It felt so good yesterday.
5 or 6 hours before I'm in the gym again. Actually looking forward to it.
Peace.
Monday, May 15, 2006
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Thank you to my lovely friend Robin for the email.
I'm sure guys have their own list, but I thought it was funny.
(Love you Royce)
D A M N I T O L Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
ST. M O M M A'S W O R T Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
P E P T O B I M B O Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. Can we get naked now?"
BUYAGRA Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
Thank you to my lovely friend Robin for the email.
I'm sure guys have their own list, but I thought it was funny.
(Love you Royce)
Thursday, May 11, 2006
It's me !!!
I finally took some pictures for my MySpace, and I wanted to have some here too. Some of me and the kids. I wanted a really honest picture of me. I think these are very true to who I am.
The whole gang is here except Tyler. From left to right in this last picture: Cheyenne, Sydney, Ryan, and Lyndsey.
My Babies !!!!
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Thursday, May 04, 2006
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight.
I'm feeling a little better. Its my good week though. We'll see in 2 weeks or so, lol.
Can't wait to get the hell out of Phoenix. 3 weeks.
Its weird. I've been around people alot lately, working alot. But I have been so "inside". Just thinking. Thinking alot. Some want to know if I'm "okay". LOL, little do they know! Hah! I must have a very good work "suit" that I put on every day. It must be better than I knew. Maybe its threads have been worn out lately. I'm showing through. Need a new suit.
Too many thoughts in my head.
Too much spinning.
I think sometimes just being at work brings things up in my head. Memories. Scenes. Mental photos. Some not unlike crime scene photos, others like those in a memory book. I have my hair in a long braid tonight. I needed it out of the way. So Wanda braided it for me at the beginning of my shift. I can never wear it that way and not think of her. I guess when I do it at work its that much worse. Ok, gotta stop crying at work. I'm in my little corner right now, the "hole" as we call it. But that could be disturbed at any moment.
Need quiet. Probably need sleep.
My hearts are hurting. Both of them. The beating one and the inside one. The beating one hurt all the way to my back earlier. Scares me a little. Took an aspirin.
Paralysis is a little better though. (See, the glass is actually half full. Full of what though?)
Gotta keep the picture in mind. The vulture. And the epiphany that happened, that I never wrote about.
Life is too short. Its critical to discover the important things.
I've had alot of quiet tonight. This is good.
Sydney and Lyndsey both won the Earth Day art contest at school. I'm so proud of them. Lyndsey got 1st place and Syd got 2nd place. Kindergarten through 8th grade.
So proud.
Can't wait to get the hell out of Phoenix. 3 weeks.
Its weird. I've been around people alot lately, working alot. But I have been so "inside". Just thinking. Thinking alot. Some want to know if I'm "okay". LOL, little do they know! Hah! I must have a very good work "suit" that I put on every day. It must be better than I knew. Maybe its threads have been worn out lately. I'm showing through. Need a new suit.
Too many thoughts in my head.
Too much spinning.
I think sometimes just being at work brings things up in my head. Memories. Scenes. Mental photos. Some not unlike crime scene photos, others like those in a memory book. I have my hair in a long braid tonight. I needed it out of the way. So Wanda braided it for me at the beginning of my shift. I can never wear it that way and not think of her. I guess when I do it at work its that much worse. Ok, gotta stop crying at work. I'm in my little corner right now, the "hole" as we call it. But that could be disturbed at any moment.
Need quiet. Probably need sleep.
My hearts are hurting. Both of them. The beating one and the inside one. The beating one hurt all the way to my back earlier. Scares me a little. Took an aspirin.
Paralysis is a little better though. (See, the glass is actually half full. Full of what though?)
Gotta keep the picture in mind. The vulture. And the epiphany that happened, that I never wrote about.
Life is too short. Its critical to discover the important things.
I've had alot of quiet tonight. This is good.
Sydney and Lyndsey both won the Earth Day art contest at school. I'm so proud of them. Lyndsey got 1st place and Syd got 2nd place. Kindergarten through 8th grade.
So proud.
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
AMAZING (by Aerosmith)
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy
To see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through the pain
And when I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah, I thought I could leave
But couldn't get out the door
I was so sick n' tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishing that I would die
(Chorus)
It's amazing
With the blink of an eye
You finally see the light
It's amazing
That when the moment arrives
You know you'll be alright
It's amazing
And I'm saying a prayer
To the desperate hearts tonight
Thank you Royce. For being my angel of mercy.
I love you.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Okay Nikki and Shelli and Royce, that color test is REALLY weird.
Oh My God.
Did you read my post from yesterday? The one on paralysis? Okay, I wasn't even thinking about it, just got home from a very nice night at work, taking tonight off, chillin at the computer before I go to bed, talking to Royce about going out of town, and I decide to take this little test.
Yeah............................riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Here's my results.
Your Existing Situation
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.
" name=restrained>
Your Stress Sources
Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.
Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.
Kinda scary.
Oh My God.
Did you read my post from yesterday? The one on paralysis? Okay, I wasn't even thinking about it, just got home from a very nice night at work, taking tonight off, chillin at the computer before I go to bed, talking to Royce about going out of town, and I decide to take this little test.
Yeah............................riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
Here's my results.
Your Existing Situation
Defensive. Feels her position is threatened or inadequately established. Determined to pursue her objectives despite the anxiety induced by opposition.
" name=restrained>
Your Stress Sources
Eager to make a good impression, but worried and doubtful about the likelihood of succeeding. Feels that she has a right to anything she might hope for, and becomes helpless and distressed when circumstances go against her. Finds the mere possibility of failure most upsetting and this can even lead to nervous prostration. Sees herself as a 'victim' who has been misled and abused, mistakes this dramatization for reality and tries to convince herself that her failure to achieve standing and recognition is the fault of others.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Circumstances force her to compromise and to forgo some pleasures for the time being. Capable of achieving physical satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feeling into which she can blend. Responsive to anything esthetic and tasteful.
Your Actual Problem
Depleted vitality has created an intolerance for any further stimulation, or demands on her resources. A feeling of powerlessness subjects her to agitation and acute distress. Tries to escape from this by relinquishing the struggle, and by finding peaceful and restful conditions in which to recuperate in an atmosphere of affection and security.
Your Actual Problem #2
Disappointment at the non-fulfillment of her hopes and the fear that to formulate fresh goals will only lead to further setbacks have resulted in considerable anxiety. She is trying to escape from this into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, protecting her from dissatisfaction and lack of appreciation.
Kinda scary.
I want to go here: http://www.creeksidepreserve.com/
I need a vacation.
At work. 3rd night in a row. 3 out of possibly 8.
I need a vacation.
We need a vacation.
I need a vacation.
At work. 3rd night in a row. 3 out of possibly 8.
I need a vacation.
We need a vacation.
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