Tonight read a little book I bought awhile ago - Witch's Brew, Good Spells for Love.

I also have Witch's Brew, Good Spells for Great Sex, which I paged through after reading the first one.

Very interesting stuff.

Gonna have to invest in some herbs, and candles, and essential oils. And start "practicing", so to speak.

Right now its about 1:45 in the am. Still up. Waiting for Royce to get back with some strawberry ice cream and wine. He's bringing brandy too. And potato chips.

Can you guess what week this is?

Need to go get the bed ready. A little tantric style seems appropriate tonight. We had a fight today. Need some healing. Need to connect. Things are still not great, but I guess thats where wine and the bed are therapeutic.

Food as foreplay. I was reading about that tonight. Its actually a very good suggestion. We'll see I guess.

We need a weekend where we do the whole tantric thing to its completion. All the senses. Very intimate. Can you imagine a whole weekend? With no disturbances? And all the right sensual aids? Food, music, candles, satin, wine, cheese, fruit, massage, meditation, breathing. We really could use a weekend like that.

I'm really getting into my lotions and potions. I'll post some on here when I learn a little more.

I'll find one for you Shelli,
and one for you Nikki,
and Cathy,
and Valerie,
and Robin,
and Heather (doubting you need any though, my freaky friend, I say that of course as a
compliment and in a good way)
and everyone else.

Suzie, thank you for your comment. I'm glad that you read my blog. And catch up on "me". I really am glad that you come here. I was glad to see your comment. The kids do know who you are. They know you as "Grandma Susie". They love all the things you have sent them. They know who Izzy and Zoe are and that they are their cousins, I have their pictures saved on the computer. And Tyler and Sydney remember Tara a little.

Life is funny. Sometimes when I think about you and me, and the card that life has dealt us, it seems unfair. I don't think about it like I used to. Now its just a normal part of my life, but when you really think about it, it seems unfair, on so many levels. I guess its just one of those things where you take what life has given you and you do the best you can do. Not that I would change anything, I wouldn't be who I am or have what and who I have now. I guess its the path not taken. And I'm very lucky, luckier than most people, to be able to actually see the path not taken. What would have been. Peggy will never have that option.

So, Heather, I went to dayshift. I also am cross training to the Emergency Department and am also going to float to Med/Surg. The emergency room at county is definately a challenge. A little scary. Like a fucking war zone sometimes. I'm totally out of my element. But its good for me and I'm ready for a change. The 2nd floor at work, my floor - labor and delivery, postpartum, and nursery - is not a good place to be right now. The feeling and energy on the floor is so negative. A few of us in float pool actually made a bet yesterday about how long it would be until Dumb and Dumber leave. I'm sure Me and Mini-me will go down together. It will be awhile though, so its a good time for me to not be in the same vicinity as them. Breathing the same toxic air as them will cause one of two things: I will either catch some strain of Idiot flu, or I will open my big opinionated mouth too many times and I will find myself fired. She has already fired or caused to leave at least 11 nurses. And some for such bullshit. They are both pure evil, straight from hell. Yeah, and I hope you are reading this Corrine and Janna. People with that much bad energy don't usually last that long though. My bet was for under a year. Karma is a five letter word, you wanna know why? Because it is much stronger than all the 4 letter ones. Karma can really suck if you have been an ugly person.

Hopefully I will get to work with you Heather lots more often now.

Tyler is at Jessie's house. His birthday party. I keep seeing changes in Tyler since he left the school. It breaks my heart. Tyler had some great friends at the school. Lee, Christian, and Jessie. They were my buds too. Good kids. I even miss Tylers's friends. So any opportunity for him to hang with them is good. Jessie invited Tyler to his birthday party. Lee is white, Christian is hispanic, and Jessie is black. I loved it that Tyler had friends of different races, and went to their houses, and grew up not seeing them as something different, but as just the guys. There was no racial tension or prejudice. Last year Tyler went to Jessie's party. Stayed the night. Its actually kinda funny, we are the poor white folk compared to Jessie, and he and his family are the rich black family. His dad is ex-military who worked under Colin Powell, and his mom is I think the vice president of Casa Grande Hospital. Way way up management. They have an absolutely beautiful home out in Chandler. They are wonderful people. We kind of got to know them when Katrina happened. They found out that Royce and I went down there and they have family there. One time they came to pick Jessie up at our house, our tiny, half-broken fixer upper in the bad part of town. They were wonderful, and gracious, and never acted as if there were any difference between us financially, came in and talked to us, unlike alot of some of the white parents with a little more money than us have when picking up their kids. The gringos just usually try to get the hell out of our neighborhood as fast as they can, locking their car doors as they are flooring it. Jessies parents are wonderful. And Jessie too. Maybe they don't judge becuase they have been judged. Last year Tyler stayed the night. When we went to go pick him up, we found him and Jessie down the street, in the very beautiful neighborhood, playing basketball with a bunch of guys from the neighborhood. Tyler was the only white guy. It was great.

Two days ago Tyler was getting ready to go to Jessie's house. All they guys, his old friends, wanted him to bring his 360. Yes, Tyler, probably the poorest kid there, is the only one with an X-BOX 360, you know, that thing that no one could find 2 months ago at Chrismastime, that costs $500? (What's wrong with this picture? He did use mostly his own money though - mostly - yes I'm a sucker).

Tyler makes the comment, " I'm not sure I want to take my 360", when asked why, he kind of sheepishly said, "Cause most of the guys that will be there are black."
I think the nausea and urge to vomit were the only things that kept my heart from sinking any lower. Royce was sitting on the couch. We just looked at each other in disbelief. I think about Katrina. I think about traveling through Texas and the disgust on peoples faces when we told them we were going to help the hurricane victims. I think about the people standing on their roofs begging for help. I think about the people I "helped" in the Astrodome. The black woman in the make-shift OB clinic in the Astrodome, who was being treated for an infection because her lower half had waded in contaminated flood water for 5 days. How she was so apologetic for smelling bad and for not being able to keep herself clean. I was the one that should have been apologizing. How she started crying when she told me she had lost her mother-in-law in the astrodome, an elderly confused woman, when she went earlier in the day to get medical help. She had been looking for her all day. And her husband had stayed behind in New Orleans, to try to find other family members. She didn't know where he was either. They had been air-lifted'rescued out of New Orleans, then dumped out on the highway and left there for 5 days, no food, no water. Her and her little mother-in-law. And now she was lost. And then she apologized again for her smell. I got to leave the Astrodome after a few hours of work and go stay in a motel. I got to drive back to Phoenix, in a car, to my home. Where I knew my kids were safe. I was mortified, and humbled, and embarrased to be white. Disgusted with MY people. If Katrina had hit Bel Air or Beverly Hills or Palm Springs or a military base, people would never have been left there to starve and wallow in toxic waste. Never. For the first time I was ashamed of the color of my shin. But not of the content of my heart. My heart was changed in many ways on that trip. Some good, some bad. Many, many ways.

Tyler would never have felt like that, or made that comment when he was at the little christian school. He has only become that way since his short stay at public school. In our neighborhood and this new school, there are many mexican and non-white kids, but his attitude has changed for some reason. I see so many differences.

Thank you Mr. Claus. Thank you Seventh-Day Adventist School system for making my child leave. Thank you for forcing me to put him in this new atmosphere.
Fuck you all. Appreciate it. Fuck you all. See you in Hell.


There's something wrong with the world today
I don't know what it is
Something's wrong with our eyes
We're seeing things in a different way
And God knows it ain't His
If you can judge a wise man
By the color of his skin
Then mister you're a better man than I

Something right with the world today
And everybody knows it's wrong

Livin' on the edge


Thats where I've been living. Thats my home address. The edge.

Listening to Aerosmith. I know its weird, they are hard-core rockers, but sometimes their songs really get to me. I find my self in tears, hoping no one sees me listening to my favorite band. Them and NIN to that to me. Some of the lyrics, how can I say it, just so describe where I am sometimes. Theres something about realizing that someones else can describe how I'm feeling, and that they've been there, that brings on tears. Not sure why. Alot of times their words are the mortar that enforces that beautiful wall of mine. Sometimes I am just at home. My head is at home with the music. Does that make sense? Guess you had to be there.

Watched Armegedon last night. For the first time. Yeah, I know, where have I been. Liv Tyler. Love her. Love her daddy. I was actually crying at the end. Stupid movie. Made me cry. In front of everyone too.

Got me thinking. Of a new question. Haven't had a question in a while.
======================================

Question: Do you have any favorite actors/actresses, that are not mainstream? Overlooked, underestimated actors? Actors that are very talented, in alot of movies, but not very recognized? There are a few I have, I don't even know their names. I will have to look them up. But they are so good. I can think of 4 of them. (Going to look them up right now.)

Ok, found them.
#1 - Kathleen Wilhoite
#2 - Michael Jeter
#3 - Kathryn Hahn
#4 - Steve Buscemi

#1 - Kathleen Wilhoite, played Chloe the sister of the female ER doctor on "ER". She had a baby, was irresponsible, and left the baby with her sister for awhile. She didn't have a big part, but I really loved watching her. She also does the voice for "Pepper Ann", a cartoon, I think Disney. I'm not sure its even still on. Think it was on Saturday mornings. Here is here picture:

#2 - Michael Jeter. I really like him. I've liked him for a long time. He played Edward Delacroix in "The Green Mile", the little frenchman with the mouse "Mr. Whiskers" who got executed (awesome execution I might add), he also played the psych patient at the beginning of "Patch Adams", his roomate in the psych ward who was afraid of squirrels who helped him turn around his whole life, which by the way is a true story, and last but not least he is Mr. Noodle, on Sesame Street, for those of you who have kids. He died in 2003 of AIDS.

#3 - Kathryn Hahn, she plays the grief counselor on Crossing Jordon.

And #4 - Steve Buscemi, probably the most well-known of the 4, he has been in many things, Armagedon for one, which is what caused me to think of the question. He has been in lots of Adam Sandler movies (You Can DO it - Happy Gilmore) (the shooter in Billy Madison), "The Big Labowski", and was in "Spy Kids" 2, as the eccentric scientist that made all the animal combinations on the island. He has been in SO many things, and in one of the most incredible actors out there.

======================================

Gotta go work on my tiny fixer-upper. When we get the digital camera working I will put pictures of the house and kids on here. Gonna do some tile today.

Peace

Dance Like No One is Watching..............


click here:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2949508997989707181

very entertaining..........
make sure you have audio.........
Yeah Baby !!!!!! ...............Shagadelic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


(think Boba Fett ............... that makes it even funnier)

Thats my thought for the day for all of you lovelies out there (yes I'm sleep deprived).

Dance like no one is watching.

Working in Babyland. 6 babies, not too bad. A couple screamers. I get alot of time to think in here too. 12 hours of feeding babies.

Everytime I work in the nursery I have a nice night.

But boy am I glad I tied my tubes.

Just got done working, relief never showed up, accident on the freeway,was at work till 8:30 am, it just seems alot longer when you've been there all night. Going to do the next 5 shifts if I they need me. Didn't work all last week.

Yesterday we put the laminate flooring on the girl's bedroom floor. It is so beautiful. I've waited so long to do it, and this paycheck we finally just spent the money and did it. It actully took 2 days to complete. It is so worth it though. Royce said he walked past the bedroom after it was finished and thought, "wait, that's not our house." It looks so good. It is such an accomplishment. It was so bad before, green paint over concrete, that was chipped and dirty, and cold. The girls feel good about the room now. Still need to paint a little and do the baseboards. Thats the easy part though. We are taking the rest of Feb. till the end of March and concentrating on the girl's room. Then the living room. Maybe Tyler's bedroom too. There is so much to be done. I've waited so long for the floor to be done. It feels so good to finally have done it. Here is what it looks like:

Its called Tundra, color is maple, and is from Ikea. It looks like wood, but is some kind of hard plastic stuff. Very slick and smooth. If you have never been to Ikea you should at least go to the website. They are so awesome.http://www.ikea.com/

Can you tell I'm so proud of it?

We made a commitment to do our house with Ikea stuff. Just gotta get my butt to work.

Saw one of my co-workers/friend at work when I was coming in last night, (Gilbert), and anyone who knows him knows he works continually, and is at a high pay rate, and therefore must make oodles. Sinful amounts of money. To me its not worth being away from my family enough, but listen to this. Gilbert told me he has 3 houses now. The one he is living in, worth 500,000, another one he owns, worth over 500,000, and one worth 375,000. Gonna sell one and cut back on working as he lives off the profit.

What am I doing wrong?

Gilbert's great though. Gotta love him. He was my nurse one time when I was in the ER. He gave me morphine. I love him now. Better living through pharmacology. How's that for a motto in life Heather? Better living through pharmacology. Saw Heather last night too. Ok, maybe I'll go to days someday. Last night Gilbert told me that working nights actually takes about 10 years off your life. I told him the bullshit from the doctors on days would take 20 years off my life. I guess there is a reason they pay us more to work at night. No management either. That in itself is worth the sleep deprivation. No visitors, no meals, no treatments. Need I go on? But maybe someday Heather and Royce. I miss you too Heather.

I'm officially vegetarian now. Its day five. Not so bad. Not sure I will do this forever. But for now.

Oh MY God. Work is calling me. Guess I forgot to tell them something.

Need sleep. My bed is calling.

Miss you Nikki. Hope your music is going well. Sounds like it is. Wish I could hear it.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.......................

Happy Valentine's Day !!!

Happy Valentine's to everyone. Just havin a chilled, laid back nice day. Sometimes its very hard for me to chill. I'm making a point to chill today. Getting better at it. Royce got me a very nice card and some chocolate. We are low on money and decided not to do anything for valentine's, except get the kids a few small things. Just something to remind them that I love them. But Royce and I both ended up getting each other a card and some candy. I was going to work tonight, but it just didn't feel right to work on Valentine's night. To be away from my Valentine and my children. We had an argument yesterday. Yes, Royce and I actually argue. Actually more than you might think. So its very important for me that we have a very nice, close, day spend together at home. Its been nice so far. Just doing stuff around the house, but its one of those days when the whole day is foreplay and leads up to a very intimate night. Its such a beautiful day here in Phoenix too. About 75 degrees, beautiful. It feels so good to go outside. I think I will work a little in the yard, Royce has already been out there doing his workout, and maybe go for a walk tonight at sunset. I think I'll go with Royce, just us two, and walk to the Chinese center. Then maybe come home and watch a movie with the kids and do game night. They love game night. Then maybe watch a movie together after they are all put away to bed.

Bought a yoga mat. The other day I did yoga outside on the concrete. It was wonderful to be outside, with the sky above me, and the birds singing, and the perfect temperature. But the concrete is very hard, and very cold. I'm anxious to try out my mat. Its purple and very spongy. The kids were playing with it last night. Yoga is something so simple, not simple in technique but in idea, that makes such a positive difference in my whole life. It costs nothing, and gives me so much. I'm excited about my mat. Going to do that this afternoon too. I'll probably do some resistance stuff too. So yes Cathy, I am still exercising. Not as much as I should be doing, but getting more faithful with it. I so need it. Probably more on the inside than the out.

I've been thinking about the comment that Heather left me. I'm going to start asking myself those questions. I can so see you Heather in the car with your kids. Heather is one of those people that in my opinion truly has her head on straight. Her heart, and soul, and mind are completely balanced and happy. She is truly a free spirit, she always does what she wants to do, never is restrained by someone else's opinion of her, or of what she is doing, is not held back by others, never restrained by social or cultural taboos, or no-nos, is completely sexually, sensually, and emotionally free. And she doesn't seem to have to work at being free, she just is. She is intelligent, honest, beautiful physically and on the inside, honestly caring, and spontaneous. I can learn alot from her. She is one of those people I choose to surround myself with. I'm lucky to have her as a friend. I'm going to think about those questions.

I got the pictures of your nephews Nikki. They are so cute. Thank you for sending them. And yes, I'm ok. For some reason, I'm ok. I'm learning to change my whole perspective on things. In alot of ways am very introverted and introspective. Just enjoying my life, my relationship, my children, my home. Those are the things that are balancing out all the negative, the darkness. All of that is still there, just concentrating on my "inner circle". My space. It probably helps that I have now totally cut myself off from any kind of connection I had to church and certain people. I want to hear more of the music you guys are doing. I'm going to comment on your site. Just need some time to sit at the computer. Maybe a little later tonight I will. I'm really glad we are keeping in such close touch. This blog thing is wonderful.

I'm just becoming less and less concerned with material things, not that I ever was, but making other things, such as living healthy, exercise, my relationship, my children, my home, reading, music - "my" music, my soul, making all of those things the priority. Living in the moment. Money is simply a necessary evil. My soul however is something that I have to live with forever, what determines what kind of a person I am in this world, and what detemines how my children and friends remember me. My soul alone determines what I contribute to the world around me and what kind of quality of life I enjoy.

I've been keeping myself safe. Safe from the toxic. Staying in my world. Staying in my place.

Tyler has a Valentine's dance to go to in about an hour. Should be interesting.

Going outside now.

Shellibells, I went to your blog and did that Johari window. I kind of remember it from Psych class. Very interesting. I did one for me too. I don't know how to do what you did though to get people to do mine. Thank for showing it to us.

Just want everyone to know Sydney has a blog. She would love for you to see it. I'm so proud of her, she is really learning how to do things like this. Its about dogs. She loves dogs.

This is where it is at: http://smallfrysyd.blogspot.com/

Its called "dog pack". She love comments too.

Thanks guys.

I have a sense of peace today. I'm learning how to do that better. Not sure if its the week I'm in, or just that I'm getting better at it. Not going to question it, just going to enjoy it. I'd like to think I'm getting better at it. I know what you think Karl. Very much in my own little world today. All energy concentrated on "my world", my space, my inner circle. I think thats where I am my best.

Spent the night in the ER with my mom last night. Yes she is ok. Its weird how when something could be wrong, relationships change. I'm glad she is ok. I wish things could be like that between her and me all the time.

I'm actually going to do some yoga today. I never find the time to do it, so I'm just making the time today. And to exercise too. If I don't make it part of the schedule it will never happen. Just do it. Think Nike. I know it will make a huge difference in everything.

Went to the co-op this morning. Got Organic cage-free eggs, vege tofurky links (its actually really good, reminds me of "prosage"), and some oatbran/blueberry muffins. I love the co-op. I really want to eat and live like that. Simple, better, healthier. I'm sure that will make a huge difference in everything too. Had some Jager with my breakfast too. Ahhhhhhhhh, Jager - always makes me feel better. Good way to start the day.

Going to work on my posts outside a little. Its a huge project. A huge home improvement thing that will make a big difference in the front of my house. Gotta put stripper on and chip away. Right now they are a dark hunter type green, and peeling. I'm going to change them to a bright, yet deep mediterranean blue, with the other accents out front, in contrast to the blue, a orange/red earth tone color. And I'm going to do them right this time, not the way Kirk and I did them before. It will be very nice. Will strip and scrape the one post that I already started a few weeks ago. Got five posts to do.

Yesterday we cleaned the back porch and the garage, which is actually an extra room now, the workout room, we just still call it the "garage". Royce used TSP on both, and got it really clean, it was so dirty. Now it looks great. It took the whole morning. Working on the yard too. Starting to water and get grass growing for the summer. This next paycheck I'm starting my garden. It will be an above the ground garden, plants in containers. Nothing elaborate, just some vegies and herbs. Want to grow a pumkin for Halloween too. I've been wanting to do a garden for awhile.

The girl's are finishing their first week at their new school. It's gone ok I think. Its still new. It is still unfamiliar. I've very proud of them for changing schools half way through the year. I hope it was the right choice. Tyler has a dance to go to on Valentine's. How foreign to me. Not sure he really wants to go. It will be good for him.

Nikki, I still have your flowers up. The roses are dying, but the others are still kinda ok. They are still pretty. I'm glad you are recording with K. I'm sure you guys sound great. Still working out? I need to do more. Really NEED to, inside and out. Maybe more for the inside.

Cathy, I've been thinking about your mom. How is she? I hope she is ok, but I'm feeling like she is not. I've been feeling like that for about a week now. Not sure why. Is anything different? I would like to go see her, would that be ok? How is your job going? Email me.

Karl, might work on the song a little today. Its going to take me awhile.

Royce, love you baby. I think I'm finally learning how to chill. I'm so glad I have you. We need to get away. Soon. Let's plan that day trip up north with the kids. Except maybe stay overnight in like Payson. Lets do it in 3 weeks.

Going to work tonight. Better get started on all I have to do.

Been working alot. I did 4 night shifts in a row, thats why I haven't posted much, and then last night I got a little break, had to take a class, Neonatal Rescisitation (NRP) cause my certification expired and I need it to work, so that lasted 2 hours, and so I kinda got a night off. Was exhausted though, so didn't do much. And I think I'm going to work the next 4 nights, then take a little break. I hate working like this. I hardly ever see the kids or Royce. But I am really tired of having financial problems. Something is always due, or about to be turned off, or overdrawn. I hate it. And the house needs so much. I can never do anything to fix the house if I haven't even paid the bills. So thats it. I'm working. My mom always makes me feel bad, says the kids miss me, they want me home at night. Royce wants me home at night too. There's that voice, my mom's voice, that always tries to make me feel bad. Then I start getting negative. Why is it that she could never have supported me? In anything? Even now, she could at least not try to make me feel guilty about working, playing the bad mommy card. Its not like I'd rather be at work. It makes it really hard to go to work when I think my kids need me at home. Especially an extra shift. But I'm just going to do it for a little while. I have too. I'm tired of this. Always living on the edge. This is how I need to look at it. My kids miss me, and if I could do it differently I would, but I have someone to watch the kids, someone I trust home with the kids who isn't my mother, I can work whenever I want because of that, which is so liberating - you should see how some of the other mom's at work do it, its hell. I have job that pays a good wage and that will let me do as much overtime as I possibly want. I also make my own schedule. And the overtime is REALLY good. I really have a very empowering job. I pretty much am my own boss, make my own schedule, and work as much or as little as I want. I have the opportunity, if I work really hard for a little while, not forever, to really do some nice stuff for my family. I really need to fix so much in the house. I want our home to be a place where the kids enjoy being, thats comfortable and THEIRS, their space, and a place that they aren't embarrased about. I want to give that to them. Right now the floors are concrete. And its horrible. We took the carpet up a while ago, because it was so bad. I tried to paint the concrete. Didn't work. Now it looks horrible. The area rugs need to go too. I don't even like people coming in the house. I'm going to put plastic/wood looking stuff down, from Ikea. Its beautiful. I've wanted to do this for so long, talked to the kids about it for so long. They would love it. They would feel good about it. And so much other stuff too. If you could see my house, you would understand.

My mom basically tries to make me feel like this:

" Ok Barb, you've already screwed up enough, lived with a guy without being married, then married the asshole - had three kids with him, divorced him, "divorce does bad things to kids", got pregnant again, didn't stay with that loser, now that baby doesn't have a dad, then started sleeping with another loser, married that loser, had another baby, boy Barb - really good life choices here. I didn't raise you to sleep around, and I didn't raise you to keep a dirty house, and to not take care of your kids. You've already screwed them up enough, now you aren't even home for them when they need you. "

If I'm on speaking terms with her she is constantly making comments about how dirty the kids are, they need to wash their faces, they need a bath, the house is dirty, Royce is lazy, your carpet is terrible, your kitchen is a mess, I don't know how you have so much laundry, I wouldn't worry about painting when it is so dirty, you need to do this, you need to do that, the kids don't eat healthy enough, they eat too much junk, its not right to have alcohol in the house, its not right to do that to your kids, its not right to drink, you should be spending your money on other things that you need, not alcohol, thats not putting the kids first. I didn't raise you to drink, or eat bacon, or to live the way you do. When I was heavier, she used to let me know when I was gaining weight, and laugh. Make little comments. Every time I got pregnant she got pissed, told me it was disgusting. Hates Royce. Can not be happy for me that I found a wonderful man who loves me. Hates the way he lives, hates the way I live. She even accused Royce of being rough with Cheyenne, when he wasn't - I was sitting right there, and to my face threateded to call Child Protective Services. Thinks my tattoos are disgusting. Says Royce will never make it through school. Told me I would make a bad nurse, when I first told her I wanted to go to nursing school. That was the smartest thing I ever did. And I'm good at it. Constantly tells me we need to get rid of all of our pets, they make life too complicated and are dirty.

About a year ago I finally told her to never come in my house again. And to this day, she doesn't. Maybe on a rare occasion when I ask her in. The house is alot messier, but alot more peaceful. She doesn't do anything to help me anymore, she still would, but I don't need her anymore. For a long time I had no one else to help me watch the kids when I went to work. Now I have Royce. We don't need her to babysit, I don't need to use her car, and she doesn't do any of my housework anymore. For a while, she just pushed herself in, and did laundry and stuff even if I told her not too. Thats eneded. I would rather live in a mess, than to deal with her.

Between my mother and Peggy, I am a bad mother, don't take care of my kids, don't keep them clean, live in a dirty house, don't teach my kids right, don't discipline them, don't live healthy, don't make my kids eat right, completely knock my lifestlye, don't like Royce, look down on me because I have tattoos, because I drink, think I don't know anything about being a nurse. And they have both proceeded to tell the other moms and people at church things about me. Make me look bad. The both look down on me alot. And they both say things to my kids to make me look bad.

So, this is how I look at things:

- I didn't make a good choice with Kirk. But I have three beautiful children because of him, and I wouldn't change it at all. Never. He was what I had to go through to get them. My marriage didn't work because he was mean to me, not because I did anything wrong.

- I got myself and my children out of an abusive relationship. And I've been able to support them, keep them in a house, and supply all their needs without their dad. Its a major thing that I left, so many women don't, and its major that I can provide, so many women can't.

-I put myself though nursing school with no financial help from anyone. Had a baby in nursing school, I finished, got a job on my own, picked an occupation where I will always have a job, flexibility, and good pay. And I'm good at it.

-I have provided a house for my children. And all their other needs. All by myself.

-I had Ryan. Didn't do what alot of women do in that circumstance, and abort. I could never have done that, even when it was stressful, but am critisized more for having the baby. I did the hard thing at the time, the right thing, but am labeled for it. If I would have had an abortion no one would have said bad things about me. I had the baby, didn't kill my child, did the right thing, and people still to this day say hurtful things. Ryan is my love, my joy, I am so lucky to have him.

-After a divorce, domestic violence, rape, extreme verbal abuse, after losing myself, after being left and abandonded while I was pregnant, having an unexpeceted baby all by myself, I found a wonderful kind sexy man who I fell in total love with, who loves me, who loves my children, who married me with 4 kids that aren't his own, who considers them his own, and who takes care of them now, who I am still madly in love with. Who is not the typical guy. Who is unselfish, and sensitive, and totally demonstrative in showing how he feels, who is intelligent, who I am totally sexually compatible with, who treats me like a princess, yet also who could and would fucking kill someone who hurt me. Big and strong, all guy, who fell in love with me and my kids. How often does that happen? How lucky am I?

I think after all those things, I am a pretty incredible person. I am strong. I have wonderful children. I will raise them how I want. I have very different beliefs and priorities than most of America. And I'm ok with that. I have a wonderful man. The house is never going to be clean with 5 kids. And I would rather have a peaceful mess than an unfeeling, cold but clean museum for a home. And I love my tattoos. They are very personal to me. I think they are beautiful. They all mean something to me. I love them. And I'll get more. And I like alcohol. I'm a functioning alcoholic and I'm ok with that. I like it and I'm drinking it. I will have all the things I want and I will work hard for them. And when that happens I will sit back, with my margarita in hand, look at all I have been through and accomplished, look at my non-traditional home with our non-traditional lifestyle, look at the open and honest and great relationship I have with my kids, even though I wasn't always the "perfect and appropriate mom", and will be very satisfied and revel in it all. That will be the best moment.

I do not regret any decision I have made. Some decisions made my life harder, but I am where I am now and have the things I have now because of them. I really have no regrets.

Sometimes you just need to remove people from your life. And I've done that. Don't regret that either. You have to eliminate negative people, and surround yourself with only the people that matter. Everyone else needs to go. And I have done that too. Life is too short to irritate yourself with the stupid people.

Fuck them all.

Gotta go pay the water bill and the gas bill.

Might work tonight, not sure yet, not scheduled to be there yet. We'll see.

Maybe I'll just stay home tonight, lubricate my brain with some Jack Daniels and fuck the shit out of Royce in ways that would make Angelina Jolie blush. Maybe take a night off , jog, play with the kids, play the piano, and sing, and listen to music, and watch a movie, enjoy a few coctails, and have a sex fest. You know, its sounding better all the time. Think I need a night off.

The concert was awesome. Oh My God. He is so beautiful. It was so good. They did Dream On, and Livin on the Edge, and Last Child, and Back in the Saddle, and Walk this Way. And they sound so good live. You know how some people really suck live? All flat and raspy and everything? They sounded as good as they do on any of their albums. Oh my God. And can I just say that I grossly underestimated Mr. Joe Perry. He is fuckin hot too. The guy is ripped, cut, beautiful abs. They are both so beautiful. And they all put on such a great show. I can't even describe how it was when they first came out. It was surreal. And Lenny Kravitz was just an appetizer. He is beautiful too. And very cool. Before he got done, he totally went out into the crowd, made a circle around the lower level, and just talked to people. Shook hands, patted people on their backs, gave fives. Talked to them. Connected with them. And he is so fuckin hot too. I milked a margarita the whole show. Had 3 shots prior to the show at Monica's though. It was so good. Worth every penny that I paid for the ticket. I must go to concerts more often. Note to self. Oh yeah, and they did Cryin. I love the words to that song. And Crazy. Its just so weird to be that physically close to someone like that. Someone I've listened to for so long. And God is he beautiful. I know he is 58, but he is still fucking hot. I just wanted to touch him. Thats all. Just one little touch. I swear to god I felt like one of those silly girls at those old Beatles concerts, you know the ones who scream, and cry, and faint? I felt like I needed a cigarette after the concert. Yeah..................................... . Was it good for you? It was good for me. I really wanted them to sing Pink and What it Takes, though. I really needed to go. It was good for me. And with all of us girls it was so much fun. I had little pregnant Holly next to me during Lenny Kravitz yelling, "I wanna have sex with you!!!!!!!!" down to him. I was dying. I think Jason and Royce both know we love them to pieces, and we know we are very lucky to have them. Like Dawn told her boyfriend Eddie, Steven Tyler is responsible for all the good love you are getting. Not true in my case, but funny. Ok, maybe just a little. There were alot of kids there too, surprised me. With their parents. Can you see my mom, any of you who know my mom, and see her rocking out with me at an Aerosmith concert? I would have loved to take Tyler. I'm still in orgasmic bliss thinking about the concert. So good. And yes I wore my fishnets, and my micro- mini, and my lace up boots. The boots gotta go. Cute, but fucking painful. Must invent comfortable- black- leather- lace-up-bondage/Victorian style-high heel- "fuck- me" boots. I'll be rich.

You wanna know something I learned? Fishnet stockings don't run when you wear them bare feet. Even if you wear them barefeet through the rocky parking lot of an Aerosmith concert on the way to the car cause you can't wear your lace up fuck- me boots any longer cause your feet will start bleeding out if you don't take them off half way there. Not one run. Next time I need the ones that have the black line up the back of the leg.

Wanna know something else I learned? Security personel at the concert are not scared by guns, or drugs, or hidden alcohol, or weapons, or a shoe bomb, or by the guy with the Turbin and the suspicious package. They are completely intimidated by tampons. They gave the girl in front of me a hard time because she was bringing in a cell phone. I went through, said all I had was a tampon in my purse as I waved it at them, and there were no further questions. They were like, - "Okay, you can go - just go. Too much information." There ya go Bin Laden. You've been going about this all wrong.

The concert was awesome. Thank you Royce for watching the kids, and offering to watch Valerie's. I love you. I had a wonderful time. Thank you for helping me be able to go. You will be repaid. Its my good week, remember? If I am your California, you are my StevenTyler.

And Steven - you are beautiful. You are god and I not worthy.

Just finished my 3rd 12 hour night shift in a row. And have to go back tonight.

Time to Dream On.

*************************************************************************************

Monica, my heart is with you. I am so sorry. I know you probably won't see this, but anything you need. Anything. All of us are so very sorry. I don't even know how to relate to where you are right now, but I know it is a horrible place. We all love you are work. We are with you in spirit. We are all thinking about you. And crying for you. Nothing we say can help. Or change anything. All I can say is that I am so very sorry. Please know that we are thinking about you. I learned about your Valentine's present. I just wanted to cry.

Anything you need, we are here for you.

*************************************************************************************

Time to Dream On.

This is an incredible story. You've got to see the video. Its of the actual rescue.

From the Associated Press this morning:

Brazilians line up to adopt baby found in bag
Mother arrested after 2-month-old girl was tied to board, placed in lake


• 'Miracle' babyJan. 29: Local residents pluck a plastic bag from the water in Brazil, only to discover a newborn inside still alive.
MSNBC

Click here to see it: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10693294/?GT1=7756

I thought of my Shi Shi.

Cheyenne is the only one up with me right now. She just came and asked for a banana. She calls them nee nees. Brought me the whole bunch of bananas. Its so funny, she looks exactly like Royce. Exactly. His clone. I gotta get some pictures of the kids on here for all you guys. Theres always that part of me that feels guilty when I go out and leave the kids at home. I know I'll have fun at the concert, I'm very excited, but there is part of me that will miss the kids and Royce. Thats silly isn't it? Its only one freaking night.

It makes me sad sometimes that she is my last.

17 hours.

Okay, here's the outfit. And I bought some $6 black plastic bangles, like 30 of them all together. They will look great with my gloves. So eighties. Royce surprised me yesterday and took me to get my nails done. He had some money he had been saving up and used it for my manicure. My nails are a funky blue/green metalic color. Thanks Roycie. They look awesome. I'm so scared I'm going to ruin them before tomorrow. After I got done at the nail place we just drove around for like an hour, held them out the window and let them dry. We had Cheyenne in the car with us, and just drove around, looked at houses, drove over to Mill. It was so nice.

My earrings (without the stick)

My shirt, only it will be a Grateful Dead tee (its actually Royce's shirt, he's hardcore Deadhead), my skirt only mine is fake leather and shiny and what my hair should kind of look like, mine is longer and darker, black/burgundy.

My fishnets.

My boots (very close to them, but not exactly)

And my Modonna gloves.

So there you go. Whatcha think?