Paralyze

par·a·lyze

Definition:
To affect with paralysis; cause to be paralytic.
To make unable to move or act: paralyzed by fear.
To impair the progress or functioning of; make inoperative or powerless

Do you ever have things that paralyze you? There is something that has this effect on me. Or rather someone. I usually find if I can break things down, organize things, figure out what I am afraid of and why, then a way to overcome it can be found. This usually works. Not this time. I've been around and around this one, from every angle, with every rationalization, with every logical intelligent approach, everthing short of therapy. Still I find myself unable to move or act.

I find myself paralyzed in every possible way. Emotionally, mentally, spiritually, sexually, and even physically, literally. Its disgusting. I hate it.
You can not know how much I hate this.

Every strong piece of advice I have ever given somehow does not work on ME in this situation. The trigger happens and then I can't move, I am not free to think, to speak, to love, to even more literally even physically move, like from my bedroom to my living room, until it is safe. Until its gone.

"To impair the progress of functioning". This is a very good description. It is impairing the progress of the functioning of my life. "Me" stops functioning when this happens.

It has often reminded me of a kitten, when you pick it up by the neck. It goes completely limp until you let go.

I'm holding back even in my writing. In my space. In my personal free space. Therefore it really isn't free anymore now is it?

Those of you who know me well may very well know exactly what/who this trigger is.

The sick part is, the more it affects my functioning, the more power I give up. And he is the last person or thing I ever want to give anything more to, most of all my power.

I'm so upset right now.

I've recently come to the realization that there is a good chance a specific someone is reading my blog. My fear, every aspect from physical to emotional, is very conditioned. And very warranted. Its like trying to teach Pavlov's dog not to drool when he hears the can opener. I'm not sure I can relearn. I feel so powerless.

I have a choice. The choice to be free. To continue and be myself here, to write, to explore, to celebrate, to question, to love. Or the choice to be afraid of that someone seeing me. I was never seen. I was never allowed to be seen on his part, and in return never let myself be seen. I am naked in here. I like being naked. I need a place to be naked. I can physically feel myself shudder if I even consider the thought of him seeing me in here.

I'm actually sickened because of my first response. When I realized he is possibly here I immediatly thought "I'll just have to alter my content, alter my openness, have a more mainstream "blog". I don't even totally understand why I'm scared. I think I'm scared of being laughed at, at inopportune moments, in front of my family, my kids, whoever. Afraid of my thoughts being thrown in my face and used against me. Even afraid of him silently learning who I am, what is inside me, whether he ever says anything to me or not.

My second response is I need to attack before I am attacked. I need to start out in the red. I need to make naked in here everthing bad that happened. Everything he did that made me this way. To validate my fears before I have to. Does that make sense?

I will not give in. I will stay me. I will be free. Bring it on.

I'm going to go to bed now. Have to work tonight. Hopefully won't have bad dreams.

I think I need therapy. Still paralyzed.

This one's for my friend Jonathon. Heard you had a bad day. Thought you might need a good laugh.

Karoake for the Deaf.

(turn your speakers on)

http://media.putfile.com/HollowMen96

Now everyone, the next time you have a bad day, think of this video.

Shelli,
I know you know this song. But read it again.
Everytime I hear it I cry.
It makes me feel so bad and so good at the same time.
I always think of my Sydney.

It always puts EVERYTHING in perspective.

In my daughter's eyes
I am a hero
I am strong and wise,
and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I want to be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
Everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light
And the world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me
Gives me strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger
Oh, it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about
It's hanging on when your heart
Has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes
I can see the future
A reflection of who I am
And what will be
And though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see
How happy she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

She was sent to rescue me

Okay, so I know the broccoli is
(suddenly I don't know if that is how to spell broccoli)
very ....... organic.
There are aphids all over the stalk.
This is good right?
Whats an aphid here or there between friends, right?

Shelli, ------ we have all so been there. Its okay. Children are beautiful and draining and demanding and most perfectly the biggest lesson we will ever learn. Sometimes we have to stop. Just stop. Just stop and quiet ourselves, our life, and realize that we are in the presence of something so perfect.

I copied the poem because it so often happens at our house. I'm glad that I'm not the only one.

Life is too short.

Seize the day. Have no regrets.

Its all good.
Cooking for the kids for dinner tonight.
Everything is organic and wonderful.
Mashed potatoes, broccoli, organic cage free-chicken that they raise up at a little farm on the way to Prescott. Kiwi for desert along with....
brownies (not organic).
Royce is taking a nap - really sick from allergies.
Alone in the kitchen.
The two little ones are playing in the backyard with the doggies.
About 75 degrees, slight cool breeze.
Cheyenne is running around barefoot in the grass. Ryan playing in the playhouse.
A minute ago I looked out and Cheyenne was just sitting in the dirt, looking up at the sky.
We should do that more often.
Diana Krall playing -"Love scenes" and "The Look of Love".
Great albums.
Having a white russian.
Going to light some incense.
Brownies smell so good baking.
Its all good.

I ran into a stranger as he passed by,
"Oh excuse me please" was my reply.
He said, "Please excuse me too;
I wasn't watching for you."
We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.
But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.
Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.
When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.
He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.
While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,
"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love,
you seem to abuse.
Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.
Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.
He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."
By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.
I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.
"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.
I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."
I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."
I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

(author unknown)

How true is this? How sad and how true.
Not for me, not anymore.

One day we will wake up, and our children will be grown. The simple, sometimes draining things they do, things we have to do for them, like helping them dress, stopping our all important conversations to listen to their little thoughts, getting them something to drink, helping put shoes on - these things will forever be gone.

My world and vision are changing daily. Clarity is happening.

Yesterday, April 23, Sydney, Lyndsey and I did the "Run For The Cheetah." It started at 7:30 am. It was a 5K run ( a little over 3 miles) and it was at Papago Park. I think about 400 people participated. It was hard for all three of us. The girls were making fun of how slow I was running at first, but by the first mile they were having a hard time keeping up. I ran without stopping for over a mile. The weather was beautiful and perfect. Most of the run went along the canal. I have never participated in any kind of run or athletic event. This is my first time. I'm so proud of myself for doing it. And of my girls. We were not fast, but we finished. And we RAN across the finish line. You HAVE to run across the finish line.

It was to raise money and awareness about the beautiful and endangered cheetah. It was put on by The Cheetah Conservation Fund founded by Dr. Laurie Marker who was named TIME magazine's Hero of the Planet for her research work.

There are only about 12,000 cheetahs left in the wild. Most of them are in Namibia, Africa. They can run up to 60 mph. And they could be gone in 20 years.

It felt really good to do something good. I'm glad I did it with my girls.

There is another run on June 17 in Flagstaff, "Gaspin in the "Aspen." It is a 5K and a 15K trail run. Tyler and I are going to do this one. The whole family is going to go up and spend a couple of days up there. It should be so much fun. I don't think it is a fundraiser though. And then there is another one at the same place, the Flagstaff Nordic Center, that is in October and it is a Dualthelon: 2.5K run, then 10K bike ride, then another 2.5K run. We need to buy bikes. Tyler and I started practicing today. We did a mile.

I don't care if we come in last, we're doing this.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I had kind of an epiphany yesterday. It had kind of been building for awhile, bits and pieces would surface, but never collectively. And it all kind of came together last night in my head. I need to organize my thoughts a little, I'm at work right now, but I will try to write when I get home in the morning.

It's kind of a big thing.

Love you Royce.

Love you Nikki.

Miss you Cathy.

Miss you Heather - maybe you could go up to Flagg with us.

Trailady - where have you been? Are you ok?

Deb - I need to catch up on you. Hope all is good with you.

Gina - miss you so much. More than you know.

Come see my "My Space". www.myspace.com/barbsinnerspace

PEACE

And I quote,

"Accept, accept,accept! Accept that there are some things, some people, some past events, some situations, that I am NEVER .. EVER going to be able to make logical sense of, sometimes there is no larger meaning, sometimes things just suck. Accept it, move on."

Life is fucked up. Wrong things are right, and right things are wrong. I don't think it will ever make sense to me. All tears are good for is getting my face wet and making me look stupid. And walls are for keeping safe. You can't feel pain if you are numb. Then it has no power.




Maybe that is my answer.

Honda commercial. You gotta see this.

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/honda.php

There are no computer graphics or digital tricks in the film. Everything you see really happened in real time exactly as you see it. The film took 606 takes. On the first 605 takes, something, usually very minor, didn't work. They would then have to set the whole thing up again. The crew spent weeks shooting night and day. By the time it was over, they were ready to change professions. The film cost six million dollars and took three months to complete including full engineering of the sequence.
It is fast becoming the most downloaded advertisement in Internet history.
There are six and only six hand-made Honda Accords in the world. To the horror of Honda engineers, the filmmakers disassembled two of them to make the film. Everything you see in the film (aside from the walls, floor, ramp, and complete Honda Accord) is parts from those two cars.

Thanks Joyce for the very cool email.

Right now I am in Tyler's bed typing this. I'm on his lap top. He has been really sick all week. When I took him to the doctor 2 days ago his fever was 103.7. This apparent urinary tract infection is kicking my ass. I have felt like complete shit all day. It finally started feeling like a UTI today. I guess maybe because I've been on Percocet all week I didn't feel as bad. I'm outta percs and now I feel like shit. I was supposed to work tonight, but they didn't need me. Maybe I need the rest. Easter was good for everyone else though. The kids had an easter egg and candy hunt at my mom's and we ate lunch there. They just played and got into trouble all day. I took a nap this afternoon. Royce put up his punching bag tonight in the garage. I'm glad the kids had fun today.

Everyone has just been so sick at our house this last week. We've all had it at varying strengths at various times throughout the week. Some worse than others. Tyler finally ate something. In fact he is still eating it - a burrito from Armandos. I'm really glad I have Royce. He's the kinda guy that will go out at night, or whenever, and get you something if you, or your kid in my case, isn't feeling well. He'll just stop what he's doing and go get us whatever we need. I'm lucky to have him.

I pierced my tongue yesterday. Wasn't as bad as I thought. But it has been sore since I did it. Having trouble eating. It looks so cool though. I keep playing with it in my mouth. I always thought they pierced things, like your tongue, with a gun like they do when they pierce your ears. Oh no, as I found out yesterday. They hold your tongue out with a pair of forceps and stick a 14 gauge needle right through it. It really doesn't feel as bad as it sounds though. Its really cool. I love it. Feeling better all the time.

Lately I haven't been thinking about the inner me. Its hard to do when you feel so rotten. This last week I've spent most of my time wanting to just crawl under the covers or taking care of everyone else, mostly Tyler. I just want to feel good again, and have everyone else feel good. I really want to concentrate on getting healthy but have felt so bad I can't even get out to exercise yet.

Nikki, how do I make you a friend on MySpace? I don't know how to do that. Help!!!!!

Deb, it was nice to hear you talk about Mr. Leukert. I would love to see him. He was like a father to me too. I have a feeling he was like I father to alot of people. I'm not sure he would want to see me after everything that has happened between Karl and I though. I hope that he is ok, and that everything goes ok with his back. If you do see him please tell him I said hi and that I hope he is ok. It makes me sad thinking about him. He meant so much to me. Please tell him I said hi.

I'm going to sign off. I'm cold and achy and tired.

I haven't been on for awhile cause I was sick. I spent a night in the cardiac intensive care. It really wasn't as serious as ICU, I was supposed to be on telemetry, but there wasn't a bed, so they put me in CICU. Yes, I am ok. I got sick, had chest pain AGAIN, went to the emergency department, had three abnormal ekgs ( flattened t wave segment for those cardiac people who actually understand all that stuff), which could have meant that I have had an ischemic incident at some point. In regular language, I could possibly have some dead cardiac tissue and am having some pain because of it. My cardiac enzymes were all normal though, which is good. So I got to be on a monitor for 24 hours and had the great pleasure of experiencing an adenosine stress test. Not something I would recommend. I personally would pick my yearly pap over it. You feel like you are dying, impending doom for 6 minutes. Lots of fun. And not the fun kind of doom. And I am on much closer levels of intimacy with people I know at the hospital, mainly George in EKG. You get felt up alot when they are doing 12 lead ekgs. Boobs are just so in the way. Especially big ones like mine. Nothing is sacred. He could have at least bought me dinner first. I felt so bad though that I didn't even care. Good news is, the stress test came back ok. And my lovely friends in L and D made me a spa package - a decorated peri bottle, "slippers" made from maxis, and a thong cut out of those sexy white fishnets we give people after they have a baby, all tucked in a bedpad signed by everyone. I feel the love.

On the whole boobs being in the way note, here's a good one for you all ( And you wonder why I don't like doctors). While I was laying in a phenergan/morphine coma in the ER, an internal medicine doctor had to pay me a visit because they had to consult him. This was like after 3 ekgs. So he appears at my bedside, I see him through the morphine fog, and he proceeds to tell me, very uncomfortably,

(brace yourself now) -------

" Now, umm, I don't think this is anything to worry about, umm, not anything dangerous, ummm, well, because, well - not to be offensive or anything, but ummm, ............... you do have ( insert uncomfortable pause) rather large breasts."
And proceeded to tell me that somehow my large ta-tas could interfere with the read out of the test. And apparently that is all he could come up with as to why it was abnormal. And this wasn't even anyone who actually saw my naked breasts while doing the ekg. Apparently he could visibly see the evidence through my hospital gown while laying down.

I wanted to look at him and say, "OH MY GOD !!!!! Why didn't someone ever tell me my boobs were big?!!! I had no idea !
Thank you doctor, thank you so much for telling me."

There ya go, my diagnosis. HUGE TITS.

Lovely.

(Why is the Doogie Howser themesong playing in my head?)

So ANYHOO..................I'm ok. I've got negative cardiac enzymes, a negative stress test, a urinary tract infection that I didn't know I had (I wonder if my big boobs caused that too?), a few days off to take it easy and a prescription of Percocet.

It's all good.

On a serious note, I'm going to continue my vegetarian, organic healthy diet, only be more strict about it, and continue to get serious about exercise. I need to lose about 50 pounds. Maybe 60. Not just to look good. To live.

My thoughts are with my friend Loida tonight, whose father had a heart attack this afternoon. He had emergency triple bypass surgery tonight. I haven't found out how things went. So please direct your thoughts and prayers, whoever or whatever you pray to, to be about her father. I hope everything is ok.

On that note, here's to good food, good exersize, good wine, good sex, and a good life.

Peace

PS. I started my MySpace. You can go it at www.myspace.com/barbsinnerspace

Tell me what you think. I can be a little more creative there. Would it be ok if I move my blog there? Or should I stay here? I love the music option. Tell me what you all think.

Peace

"and an ocean tumbled by with a private boat for Max and he sailed off through night and day
and in and out of weeks
and almost over a year

to where the wild things are."



I think I'm going to get a MySpace. Its seems really cool. Complicated, but cool. I will keep this as my blog - for what I intended it for in the first place - my place to write, to express. The MySpace will be for my creative side. We'll see. If anyone out there has any advice on anything about MySpace please let me know. Amy at work tried to help me. I feel so MySpace illiterate.

Working alot - doing nights again for awhile. They are really short at work and are offering disgustingly offensive amounts of money for extra shifts. I have my price. I will prostitute myself out. It is after all the Almighty dollar. And its kinda fun to have the upper hand with management - as short lived as it may be. I have a skill. They need my skill. And they are willing to pay for it. And I lose in this situation how?????????? Ok, I hate it that I don't see my kids when I work alot, and I hate it that I don't get to sleep next to my Roycie, and that we don't have much time together, but I have a full-time built in babysitter, which is the problem with most working women, and I don't have that problem. So I should just suck it up and work alot while I can and make things better for my kids and my Sweetie. Even if they do forget who I am. Oh, the price and pain of a divorced, working mother. Time spent with mom, or food?

I really want to give them that nice house in that nice neighborhood. They deserve that. They are great kids. I think about Ryan. He is the one I feel I need to give it to the most. He has the kindest purest heart and soul. He deserves so much more than I am giving him now. He is an angel and deserves heaven. And the older three have been through so much, it would be nice to give them something so nice. And Cheyenne. My angel conceived from such a perfect union. She is the result of that magic everyone everywhere ever hopes to even catch a glimpse of, much less own. She is the product of magic. That alone entitles her.

I have the power to achieve all that I want, and even of that which I fear I don't deserve.

I must remember this. I must embrace this.

***************************************

The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Check it out. http://www.venganza.org/index.htm

Spread the word.

Cruise in birth control

By JULIE MOULT

TOM Cruise’s pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes will be reminded to keep her vow of silence during birth — by signs plastered around their home.

The couple — following the Scientology tradition of a silent birth — had the posters delivered to their Beverly Hills mansion.

The 6ft placards will be placed so Katie can see them in labour.
One reads: “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.”

Dawson’s Creek actress Katie, 26, must “keep mum” and will not even be allowed painkillers when she has the couple’s first child due any day.
Friends — believed to be Scientology elders — were pictured carrying the huge white boards through the gates.

Followers believe it is traumatic for babies to hear their mother scream or groan when giving birth. They think it can cause “psychic” damage, which takes years of therapy to overcome.

The cult’s creator, sci-fi writer L. Ron Hubbard, once said: “Maintain silence in the presence of birth to save both the sanity of the mother and child.”

The doctrine stresses newborns cannot be poked or prodded for medical tests or spoken to for seven days.

(from "The Sun Online" http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2006140204,00.html)


Yeah,.....................
riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight..........................

You have fun with that Katie.

One sign reads: “Be silent and make all physical movements slow and understandable.”

Lorena Bobbitt's movements were slow and understandable.

The weather is here........ wish you were beautiful.

A three legged dog walks into a bar, says "I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw."

" and grew -
and grew until his ceiling hung with vines
and the walls became the world all around "

I passed!!!!
Got 96% on the test, missed one question.
It actually made some sense this time. I might actually be able to save someone.

Nikki, I'm still getting the box ready. Wrote your card during lunchbreak at class today.

We went to the Breakroom after class. Its the little neighborhood bar down the street. Royce and I would really like to own a bar someday. Royce is totally serious about it. I think it would be the funnest thing. We talk about it alot. Actually, we'd like to own a strip club. I would feel like Heidi Fleiss - lol. Maybe the bar first. We were talking to Paul the owner. A liquor lisence here costs about $100,000. He says he makes alot of money though. We're going to start working on getting us there. And moving to a better neighborhood, a nicer house for the kids. A house that "we" started and got together. I love my house here. But it would be nice to have a newer house in a better part of town.

I need to stop limiting myself with my own insecurities. I can have the house I want and the bar and the body and the mindset. Other people do it all the time.

Put my yoga video on tonight. Actually really excited about it. It is very beginners. And looks like exactly what I need right now. Might try a little tonight.

I'm trying something. I'm going to drink two different teas everyday. St. John's Wort for mood, and female toner for my pain. I'm going to see if they make any difference in how I feel and with my period.

I feel very grounded and even today. But having pain. Probably from running yesterday. Gave it a rest today. But I will continue. It will not beat me.

I've been very introspective and spiritual lately. But I still have that twisted sense of humor. Don't fear, it is still there. Things make me laugh that make other people cringe.

The older I get the funnier The Simpson's get.
And I used to think Southpark was evil. Now I snicker.
And The Bundy's always made me laugh outloud.
Happy Bunny. Fucking Hilarious. Makes me almost pee.

If these things also make you laugh, and I know those of you I'm talking to, my sick and twisted friends, here is a site you will want to visit. http://gbehh.com/cards/index_cards.html
These are actual e-cards you can send people.

Go ahead. You know you want to laugh.

" 'The night Max wore his wolf suit and made mischief of one kind
and another
his mother called him "WILD THING!"
and Max said "I'LL EAT YOU UP!"
so he was sent to bed without eating anything.

That very night in Max's room a forest grew................... ' "



ACLS went ok. Actually think I learned something. But come on, seriously, if there is a code in labor and delivery--------- LABOR AND DELIVERY I said -------- you know there will be like 400 million people in the room to properly bring someone back from the great beyond. Please.

But sure, its good I learn how to code someone. Why not. Heaven help us all if I'm running the code. I can see the grim reaper smiling now.

Saw Heather on my way out of class. We're going to try and go to the Pink Floyd laser light show together. I do so hope this happens. Its on the 14th. Also Def Leopard and Journey are coming. In August. We're totally going to 80's it out. I can see the blue mascara flowing now. We'll have to go to Hot Topic. I have all summer to prepare for the concert.

Bought some books. On crystals, herbal remedies, and meditation. Started reading the herbs one. Very intersting stuff. Did you know that marigolds and comfrey have such healing powers? I will keep reading.

Shi Shi's birthday was so much fun. We went to Home Town Buffet. If you haven't been there its a buffet where you are encouraged to gorge yourself on lots and lots of food to make sure you get your money's worth for the $7.00 you paid to get in. A fun place to take the kids. It was weird. I kept thinking about that picture. The child. The vulture. I made sure my kids cleaned their plates and didn't waste any food. I had a sense of guilt. We waste so much in this country. There are so many hungry people out there. We had a good time. Went to the Zoo after that. I never thought Cheyenne would have had that much fun. She had so much fun. Ran and ran and ran. Came home. Opened presents. Ate cake. It was a perfect day.

One of those Better Days.

On the way home from class we stopped at Bombshells to get a drink. It was a Monday afternoon. If you have never been to a strip club, that basically means the hot girls have the day off. But it was nice. Actually make me feel a little better about me. Its nice cause if you go before 5 any night there is no cover (no pun intended). There is no brighter light than the light outside the exit door of a strip club. Oh MY God I feel like a vampire every time I leave a club during sunshine hours - NATURAL LIGHT , GET IT OFF ME !!! I would love to be so ok with what I looked like that I could be like those girls. I envy them. Oh to be 18 again. I would do things differently. To have that kind of confidence. To be that sexy and that wonderful. To be able to take everything off, in front of the whole world, knowing you look that good, and have every guy in the room want you. And to get paid for it.

It may seem weird that I respect those girls, but I do. To be that free and that confident and that beautiful. Just to be able to walk in those 9 inch heels. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......................

I went jogging tonight. Got farther this time. I think I'm about up to 3/4 of a mile. Will do my mile next time. I booked today too. No slow jogging today. It felt so good. I didn't even take an effedra and it totally felt like I did. Endorphins are great things. I find myself wanting to run, not for what it will help me look like, but for the sheer pleasure of running and the feeling I have afterward. Could this be the first step to enlightenment? Hmmmmmmmmmm.......................

If only I could feel this good every week. How good would my life be. I love this week. Its all good. And euphoric. I'm so sensual today. Not just about sex. Everything. Food tastes better. Running feels better. People are better looking. The flowers smell better. There is just a rush. Do some people have this all the time?

The exercise thing is getting addictive.

Maybe I will be where you are someday Trailady.

Things are balancing out. The dark is always there. Always under the surface. And my sensual, spiritual, beautiful side is there too. The yin and the yang. They are living in harmony today.

So many bad things are there. Always. But if you look ----- so many good things are there too. Simple, beautiful things. And they are what make the evil tolerable. Livable.

Living on the edge. Not such a bad address.

Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself

You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

My whole existence is flawed

Ah yes, my absence of faith. That pesky little thing.

This will always be my song to you Royce. This song always brings out the sex in me, the dark in me. My reality. You will always be the one I am singing it to. Thank you.

Darkness is still there.
But I can see light.
The two must coexist.
Maybe this is what I was never getting before.
Don't think they were going to teach me that at Thunderbird.

Karl, I'm sorry things have turned out this way. You will always be in my heart. Regardless and Despite.

All of you out there, do me a favor. Click on this. Its Johnny Cash. Singing Nine Inch Nail's "Hurt". The words are phenomenal. The song is incredible on its own. But he just puts such a different color to it. It is haunting. To see his wife, now dead. All the old haunting memories of his life. The words are so powerful.

Watch the video. It is incredible. Haunting.
Watch it for me.
http://www.videocodezone.com/videos/j/johnny_cash/hurt.html

What have I become, my sweetest friend?
Tried to kill it all away,
But I remember everything.


I hurt myself today...



To see if i still feel.

"Southern grandma"

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand.He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned!

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

Have to do ACLS today and tomorrow. Hopefully I will have time to write tonight. Get paid to sit in class for 2 days.............well, I guess so.

Didn't study - hope I pass.

Goodbye Karl.

This is in response to you telling me you are almost out of my life ------ again ----- ( your comment on my 3/29 post).

I never said I wanted you gone. I wanted honesty.

And until you can be honest with your wife you have no business telling me I'm living an unchristian life, or that "your" Jesus is the Way.

You probably even told her that the reason I'm upset is because you broke my heart and I never got over you. Oh My God, if she only knew. But she likes her blinders. I'm sure she will swallow whatever bullshit you feed her. How could anyone NOT be in love with her perfect husband? Poor girl.

Your blog may not be for private issues, but mine is for whatever the FUCK I want it to be for.

You are arrogant.
And self-righteous.
And dishonest.

And not a friend.

You are just another brick in the wall.

Thanks for showing me Jesus character.

Oh and by the way ------ Happy Sabbath.
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This is the absolute last bit of energy I am using on this issue of mine. It is done - it is over. I am sorry if I hurt anyone by venting my own issues.

Keeping the child and vulture in mind.

http://www.deviantart.com/view/154583/

(my post on 3/27 - http://somethinglikelifeblog.blogspot.com/2006/03/life-is-funny.html )

This picture is something I am repeatedly going back to. It haunts me. It is changing how I live. How I think. How I love. Who I am.

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peace peace peace peace peace peace peace
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Today is Michelle's daughter's funeral. And Mary Ann's goodbye party (worked at County for like a gazillion years). And my Cheyanna's birthday.

Lots of different energy. Sadness and goodbye. Goodbye to a friend. And celebrating a perfect beautiful life. That me and Royce made.

Enough bad energy. I choose only positive thoughts and beautiful things today. Presents, cake, playing in the park, and family.

I'll write tonight about today.

Peace