23 hours and counting.

I'm gonna show you guys what I decided to wear. Got pictures. I'll post in an hour or so.

How nice is Royce?

Royce volunteered, he volunteered even before I got a chance to ask him, to baby-sit Valerie's kids so she could go to the concert with the rest of us. Her estranged asshole husband wouldn't even watch the kids for her, and was giving her hell about going. Valerie has no support system, no family here, no one to help with the kids except asshole. Who barely watches the kids so she can go to work. Sometimes not even then. You have to know the history, but Valerie REALLY needs a night out. Royce called me at work one night last week, we got to talking, and I told him she wasn't going to be able to go. He totally volunteered to have the kids come over to our house and said he would watch them for her. Along with my 5. That will be 8, yes EIGHT children. Just so us girls can go and have a fun night. Not only that, he himself wanted to go to the concert, had mentioned it to me, I kind of didn't take him seriously, cause we always say we want to do lots of things, but apparently he really wanted to take me to it. And now not only is he not going, but is watching our kids so I can go, and watching Valerie's kids so she can go with me.

Sometimes I don't brag alot about him, because I've been with an asshole, and to talk about how wonderful he is seems like I'm rubbing it in all my friends faces, especially the ones with assholes, or with no one because they left their asshole.
He really is an incredible, wonderful, kind person. Many times I think he deserves someone way better than me. His life would be so much less complicated. I get stressed about life alot. Sometimes I take it out on him. Then I'm reminded, almost on a daily basis, whenever I talk to anyone at work, other friends, hell - simply turn on the tv. Or Kirk shows up to do his bi-weekly 15 minute visit in front of our house to say hi to the kids from his car. And here I have Royce. My Roycie. Who not only have I been overwhelmingly attracted to from day one, but who treats me like a princess, always has, who has given up so much of his life to be with me, who has gone over and above loving me by making Ryan his son, and watches my other kids for me. The girl's at work last week told me he is truly a godsend. They all envy me. The only thing he has ever asked of me is to have a peaceful, laid back life. Okay, and the occasional blow-job. Ok, not so occasional - he really likes them,LOL. He just wants peace. Very easy to please. He'd like us to get in shape together. Be that little work-out couple. And he is looking really good. He's been working out with his kettlebell, and faithfully working out really hard, and I can totally see a difference in you baby. You're lookin hot. Your getting really big. I love big guys. I'm going to try harder to be everything he deserves.

He bought me a dozen long stemmed red roses the other day because I've been having some bad days and I was sad. They are beautiful. They are on top of the entertainment center along with the ones Nikki sent me.

He still buys me flowers.

The top shelf of my pantry is full of glass vases. From all the times he has brought me flowers. I almost don't have anymore room up there.

Thank you hon for being so wonderful, and for being mine.

I think the question should be, "How lucky is Barb?"

Had to brag a little.

Okay, for the concert, should I go sexy or comfy? Cause the two don't usually cohabitate peacefully together. I never get to go out somewhere really cool like Aerosmith, and it would be fun to get really dressed up ( black mini skirt, black high boots, low-cut shirt, fishnet pantyhose, lace half gloves), but on the other hand its girl's night out and it might be nice to be just comfortable (black shirt and black stretch pants, gotta wear the half-lace Desperately Seeking Susan gloves no matter what), I'd probably enjoy myself more this way. Maybe.

Royce? Whatcha think?
Nikki?
Cathy?
Traillady?
Deb?
I need your input everyone.

What Would Steven Do?

(WWSD)

More importantly, What Would Steven Like?

(WWSL)

===Okay girls, ask me how nice Royce is. Just ask. Gotta brag a little. (Please ask)===



4 days and counting. Gonna go try the black leather mini on.

Happy Birthday Nikki !!!!!!

Oh and Traillady, I'm a child of the 80's, I know the song very well. Don't have to look it up. Thanks for the dedication. It describes me and Royce very well. Thanks.

Nikki, you have no idea how the flowers made me feel. It was a total surprise. I went and cried. They are beautiful. And what you said on the card. I'm keeping the card with me - forever. You have no idea what you did for me yesterday. I am writing this at work - probably shouldn't cause I don't like crying at work. But you have no idea. I wanted to take them to work with me so I could have them close to me and see them all night. Thank you. Sometimes you know me better than I know myself. And then the book came. Once again, totally surprised. I'm going to read it. I did take it to work with me tonight. I have a feeling its going to be wonderful and at the same time so hard to read. Thank you. So much. I still can't believe you actually thought that much about me and what was going on to do all of that. Thank you.

Traillady, thank you for your kind words. Thank you for visiting me here. I thought maybe for awhile you left, but you came back. Thanks.

Papas angel, I'm glad you are feeling better. Glad you got the job, congratulations.

Heather, thanks for calling me tonight. You always brighten my day. You always make me feel better. We should talk more.

And Royce. The flowers made me think of all the many times you've brought me flowers. I'm sorry I've forgotten. Thank you for being wonderful.

I don't know how many times during the day I just start crying. I'm crying alot. I feel like I'm sinking. I can't even explain how it feels. I've felt like this before, for short fleeting moments. But it never hung on. It never embraced me like this. Its not that something hurts, its that huge shift that Nikki was talking about. A huge shift that affects how I see the world. I don't feel dead, I feel sad and unstable.

I'm on the edge. I don't want to feel - anything. Good or bad. I just want to sleep, or drink. Nothing in between. I'm shutting down.

5 days till Aerosmith. Maybe that will help. I am very excited about it.

There are alot of mistakes, spelling etc., in the last entry that I wrote this morning. I usually fix my mistakes. I'm not going to this time. I'm too exhausted. I just needed to write, without worrying about spelling or mistakes. Its long. My brain just needed to decompress. Its still decompressing. I just neede to write.

I'm not even sure how to write today. For the last week, I've been telling myself I need, yes need, to sit down at the computer, and just write. About the things that have been going on, and I guess more importantly what they are doing to me. What they are doing inside me, to my soul, my heart. Not to minimize the importance of the events of the last week, but the writing is solely for my soul. The last few days, I've been really withdrawn, and in being intropsective, I've discovered that they are affecting me on more than one level. I'm finding it really hard to write, I don't know if its because inside i really don't want to or what. I think maybe I'm so hurt, and reacting to past hurts, that i'm just having a hard time expressing myself. But i'm going to try.

Listening to music. Maybe that will help. Aerosmith, eagles, pink floyd, korn, nin, marilyn manson.

Last thursday I got to the school to pick up my girls. The school was on lockdown, because a guy had been "hanging" around the school that afternoon. I saw him, he was sitting on the fence of the house next to the school. I found out that before I came, he had been on the school grounds sitting in the picnic benches outside the front office. The principal, Mr. Claus, eventually asked him to leave. He apparently left, and proceeded to go in the alley that surrounds the back of the school. He stood in the alley, spoke to some of the older boys, and followed the little kids, my girl's class, from one side of the playground to the other. By the time I got there, he was still hanging around, I don't know if the police had been called or not at this point. A little while after I got there, someone told me the police had been called. I decided to take my girl's home, Tyler was in the car with me too. On the way out, he was on the sidewalk, continually looking back at the school. As I drove by him, I wanted him to know I knew he was there, to make eye contact with him. I drove past really slow, really close to him, and he didn't look at me at all, but with really big intense eyes, looked straight at my girls as I slowly passed him. Stared them down. Just the look he had in his eye gave me shivers and made me want to puke. I drove down the street about 50 feet, then turned around. By this time he was in the park next to the school, and the police were talking to him. I drove back to the school to let the teachers know that the police were talking to him. Then I left again, I wanted to see where he was, I had a very bad gut feeling about him. He had walked back down the alley and was standing behind the school, looking through the fence where no one could see him. Its like he just couln't make himself leave. I went back to the school for the 3rd time. I got out of the car, walked out to the fence where he was hiding, and said "Can I help you?" He said, I'm just checking out the park. I said You need to get the FUCK out of here. He said I'm not doing anything wrong. I said why are you hanging around watching the school? You need to leave. He rolled his eyes, turned his back to me, and sat down on a park bench. This is like 50 feet from the school gate. I said to him, I will call the police on you again. Do I NEED to call the police again? You need to LEAVE. You need to get the FUCK away from here. He continued to sit there. Mr. Claus came up to me at this point, and said he was going to call the police again. I sat there for a few minutes. Mr. Claus never told the other teachers that he had come back. But I did. I decided to leave, and had decided I was going to ask Royce to come back to the school with me. I dropped the kids off at home, they went over to my mom's house, and Royce returned to the school with me. He was still sitting in the park right behind the school, this is like a half hour later, watching the school. I know he was just waiting for a child, a child to walk through the park, a child who wasn't paying attention. Its like he was so drawn to the school he couldn't make himself leave. Even after the cops had warned him twice. And now he was in a public park. Public property, not breaking any rules. Royce approached him, basically told him to leave, the guy just ate there, his responces were so weird. Not normal. He didn't seem high either. Just weird. He tole Royce he wasn't doing anything wrong. Royce told him, I'm not a cop - I'm a parent and I'll fucking shoot you if I need to to feel safe. Royce threatened to kill him if he did anything to any of our kids. So by this time, the school had told him to leave, I had cussed him out, the police had talked to him twice, formally warned him once, my husband had threatend his life, threatedned to shoot him, and the guy still sat there. His appetite for a child was so great that he ignored everything else around him. I said I can sit there as long as he can. So Royce and I sat there. For an hour. As he sat there and continued to look at the school. Royce and me 50 feet from him, obviously watching him. We eventually got in the car and waited. He sat there for an hour. Then he left. We followed him. He went directly to another gradeschool, and sat out in front of it, trying to watch the kids, pretending to wait for the bus, but waving the bus on when it came. We told the staff at that school, and they called the police. Who never came. He finally left, and we followed him again. This time he went directly to Tempe High School, and sat behind the school, at the railroad tracks, its dark at this point, no one can see him, and watched the girls running track. We saw a little later that he had a whole set up there. A little place, hidden by a tree and bushes, with a little cot, and a place to sit. He wasn't homeless, he was clean, clean clothes, clean shaven. He was about 25 to 30 years old, and about 240 #, and caucasion. He obviously had a route planned out, knew exactly where every school was, and even had a place to sit set up for him, where he couldn't be seen. Now this guy did not wake up that morning, and for the first time, and go, you know I think I will stalk a child and try to molest someone today. Who knows how many children he has hurt. And how many he will hurt. He was evil. And very dangerous. And his behaviour was weird and predatory. He should have been taken very seriously, and not underestimated. He was very bad. We told some of the neighbors, and one of them came out, and he and Royce approached him. This was the first time he got angry and defensive. When they were forcing him out of his territory. The other guy called the police and demanded that they come, now. And mind you, up till this point, for 3 hours, we had been following him, at about 50 feet behind him the whole time, and he kept looking at us, probably 100 times, and never tried to run, never tried to hide, never walked fast, was so driven by his need for a child that he didn't even care that he was being followed or watched. I was sick to my stomach at one point. And to think what he would have done if he would have got his hands on one of my girls. He finally walked down the railroad tracks, we followed him until we couldn't drive where he went. It was fully dark at this point. We left he alley, found an outlet to the neighborhood, and on the way out saw a police car. We followed it, trying to get his attention, and followed him right down the tracks to where we had just been, he obviously was responding to that other guy's complaint. He finally stopped and we talked to him. Told him everything. It was actually the same cop that had come to the school a few hours before when the principal called. So he knew what had happened earlier. After that we left. It was all we could do. We couldn't do anything else. I hoped that I had been so annoying to him, such a pain in the ass, that when he went out again to a school, cause you know he will, he would skip ours, thinking those parents are crazy, they follow me.

This man was extremely dangerous. He was going to hurt someone. Again. And he wouldn't be satisfied until he did. He had an appetite. He is a predator and was hunting.

If he could have somehow got one of my girls. He would have sexually assaulted her, this I am sure of, probably raped her, probably hurt her, maybe even killed her. And dumped her little body somewhere, maybe in some alley, some dumpster, maybe a shallow grave out in the dessert. Maybe in pieces. And he's done this before. I know he has. To think of my Sydney, or Lyndsey, being strangled by him, suffocated by him, hit by him, his huge body, huge penis, raping her tiny fragile body. The look in her eye as he had her, the complete terror she would experience. And then death. And him disposing of her little body, as easy to him as it is for us to take out the trash, only a recepticle for his appetite, only a means to satisfy his drive. This is what I saw when he looked at them. This is what I saw when I followed him to 3 different schools. He was hunting.

I asked Lyndsey later that night if she saw him at school that day. She said "Yes, he was weird". I asked her why she thought he was weird, what in her little 7 year old mind warned her that he was not okay. She said, "because he followed us". I had chills up my spine.

The girls did not want to go to school by themselves the next day, Friday. The didn't want me to leave them, and frankly I didn't want to leave them either. So I told them I would stay there at the school that whole day, which was only till noon, cause they are dismissed at noon on Fridays. There was not one adult male at the school that day. Not one. Mr Claus was in California apparently getting certified to teach in public schools, cause as you recall, he isn't coming back. No one made any arrangements to have any adult male at the school. There were only 4 women teachers, not including me. Christian, Tyler's friend, who is 13 and in 8th grade was the closest thing to a guy there, and the strongest person there. No note was sent home with the kids about what had happened the day before. No nothing. When I told Mrs. B, the girls teacher, she actully laughed at me when I told her we followed him. She thought it was funny. There wasn't one funny thing about that story. The kindergarten teacher was the only one that kind of took me seriously. She told me her husband was there the day before and thought he should stick around because he was the only one with a knife. At least he was thinking on the right track. But the next day, no one there to protect them.
They could have asked the pastor, Van, to hang out till noon, because of what had happend the day before. Its not like he has another job. He's the pastor. The leader of the flock, right? They could have asked him to be there. No one did anything, or thought anything of it. And when I said anything they all looked at me like I was crazy.

Over the weekend I thought alot. By sunday night, syd told me she was very frightened and didn't want to be at school without me there. She was scared to go out for recess, she didn't trust Mr. Claus, and she was scared that guy was going to come back. She was terrified. And there was this nagging thing inside me that was not ok with leaving my girls at the school. I kept thinking, I feel like he is going to come back, and that I will leave my girls at the school one day, and never see them again. It would be too late then. I just was not comfortable leaving them there, and syd didn't want to be left there. And I couldn't very well sit at the school everyday. I could be totally wrong, maybe he would never come back, but if there is even a fraction of a chance, and I feel that there is, and Syd begged me not to leave her, and then something happened to her, I could never live with myself. I don't think any one at the school handled it right, or safely, and totally blew the whole thing off.

I can't leave my kids in a place where they are unsafe, or even feel unsafe, and the people in charge of the either don't recognize the behaviour of a child predator, or don't care.

A couple of weeks ago, some of the older boys told me that the whole class was in trouble, except for the perfect Zirkle boys, because the word "hell" was written in the boys bathroom. This apparently was a huge deal, and was a major thing. Mr. Claus was very upset, and did everything in his power to find out who did it. I can't leave my children in the care of someone who is more concerned with the word "hell" being written by some kid in the bathroon than he is with a child predator preying on the kids in the alley.

Is it me? Or is that fucking ridiculous? Is it me? Did I over react? I am just in total shock about how they reacted. I don't feel safe there. I can't keep my children there. And Sydney told me she would feel better if Tyler were there with her. That broke my heart. They forced me to take Tyler out of her world. The forced me to take her big brother away from her.

I withdrew Sydney and Lyndsey on Monday morning.

Mrs. B got defensive and said that the school did everything they were supposed to. I don't feel they did. I'm not even upset about stupid rules, or conflicts in beliefs, or for some stupid difference in religious philosophy. Its basic safety I'm concerned about. I really wanted to let the girls finish their year there. I like it there. They were happy there. Its all they've ever known. I didn't want to disrupt their little lives because of what happened with Tyler. But I can't leave them there.

I have to go with my gut instinct.

A couple questions. Why didn't the school send a note home the next day? Why was there no adult male there the next day? With as much money as I pay in tuition (it was $1000 a month for 3 kids times how many students do they have?) why isn't there some sort of security there? Why are the kids left alone at recess sometimes? Why did he have enough time to follow the little girls across the playground without any adult noticing it? Why were they left out there long enough for him to talk to the older kids? Why weren't the police called right away instead of the last minute? Why didn't anyone go out to the gate or alley and confront him like I did? Why? Why? Why?

I feel totally let down my the school, by the religion that I grew up with, by religion in general, by any one that claims to have anything to do with god. After everthing that happened with Tyler, and now with the girls and safety issues, I feel completely let down the belief system I was raised with. I'm hurt because of how I was treated, and angry at how my children have been treated. That was the last tie I have to anything Adventist or religious, and it will be the last.

I'm feeling a huge sense of loss, of hurt, of disbelief - like in the Matrix, when they find out everything they ever thought they believed in is false, is a charade. My complete sense of god, of beliefs, of morality, of right and wrong, its all gone. I don't feel helpless, I feel disillusioned. Kind of surreal. A huge sense of loss. Disbelief. Everything that has happened this last year has contributed to this. And this is the last thing with the church I guess. It hurt so bad to take my girls out of the school, to clean out their desks. To drive over there for the last time. That was my school. I went there. And they asked me to take Tyler away, and would not protect my girls. My heart is very heavy. And to think of the cloud of lies that I now know I was surrounded with. The picture that was painted over reality. Not protecting me. Decieving me. I feel totally deceived.

I have no belief system. I have to figure out a whole new one. One that makes sense to me.

I broke apart my insides
I’ve got no soul to sell
The only thing that works for me
My whole existence is flawed
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything
Help me
Tear down my reason

I don't know what I believe. I think I still believe in god. But it is not the god I was taught about. It was not the god I was raised with. It is not the god everyone around wants to either shove down my throat or judge me by. I don't know what I believe. I don't believe anything. I don't ever want to be told again to not judge the beliefs by some of the actions of some of the people, I don't ever want to be told you know whats right, you know in your heart ( I can hear my mother's voice). I don't know what's right. And I have nothing to look to for guidance. It is all flawed. I don't want one more person to tell me that god is there and that he loves me. I don't want one more stupid email about some touching story about god or something he has supposedly done. I don't ever want someone to show me "the way". I Don't ever want someone to tell me that god is all knowing and that he knows best, and that he knows why things happen. I don't ever want anyone to talk to me about god again. EVER. So consider this a warning, all of you well-meaning, ignorant, self-righteous pilgrims, prepare to be told to shut the fuck up. If god is there, or whatever higher power I decide I believe in, and he is any part of my life, it will be between me and him - or her or whatever the fuck IT is. Until then, I just want to not think about anything. I will be comfortably numb. I will concentrate on my little world. My place. I will make it good. My kids, my marriage, my home, my immediate surroundings, my souI, my sex life, my sexuality, my reading, my heart, my journey. It is all I need right now. I have no soul to sell.

Awhile ago, I found a blog. Eris is the writer of this blog. She is a very intelligent, interesting person, at least to me, and everyday I check her blog to see what she has to say. Her little take on life. On reality. She never fails to make me smile, to brighten my day in a twisted kind of way. Today there was a link on her blog. It is titled There is No God. I read it. It makes alot of sense to me. Still not sure what I believe, but I know that this particular essay makes sense to me and where I am at right now. Its the first thing that has made sense in a long time. It is written by Penn, of Penn and Teller, the magical emtertainment act.
Here is the link: There Is No God

Here is one part that particularly made sense to me.
Believing there's no God stops me from being solipsistic. I can read ideas from all different people from all different cultures. Without God, we can agree on reality, and I can keep learning where I'm wrong. We can all keep adjusting, so we can really communicate. I don't travel in circles where people say, "I have faith, I believe this in my heart and nothing you can say or do can shake my faith." That's just a long-winded religious way to say, "shut up," or another two words that the FCC likes less. But all obscenity is less insulting than, "How I was brought up and my imaginary friend means more to me than anything you can ever say or do." So, believing there is no God lets me be proven wrong and that's always fun. It means I'm learning something.

Click on that link to read the whole thing.

Thank you Eris.

So, its saturday morning, and i'm going to church again. Who woulda thought? Gotta go to a Jehovah's Witness funeral. This should be all kinds of fun.

Now, I must transform myself into something decent to look at.

I Love you Royce. Thank you for helping me yesterday. Love you.

Okay, so I found out today that Tyler's teacher (former teacher) who asked him to leave the church school wasn't at school today because he is in California taking tests to qualify him to be able to teach in ANY school, aka = the public school system. A couple of days ago another parent told me that there was a school board meeting on Monday night (that I wasn't even aware they were having) where they pretty much decided that that teacher wouldn't be coming back next year,( that the teacher was also present at), because of too many complaints and too many students have withdrawn from the school because of him. Apparently Tyler's name was brought up alot at the meeting, and apparently all of the other school board members (the pastor, the school board chairman, and various other parents and church members) all took Tyler's side, and did not side with the Clausinator (Mr. Claus). This made me feel good, and I know it made Tyler feel good.

Tyler told me yesterday that a kid at his school was bragging about the great price he bought his bag of weed for. An eighth grader. And that he has it at school. He also apparently has been educating himself about and researching with other kids at school about the different chemical reactions when certain chemicals are combined and how to make certain kinds of bombs. He finds all of this very amusing and is fascinated with explosions. At least Tyler is talking to me. At least I'm not in la la land. Tyler also told me he has no friends at his school. This breaks my heart.

Thanks Mr. Claus.

If you recall, Royce was told by Mr. Claus in that parent teacher meeting that Tyler should not be at the Christian school anymore. That we should enroll him in public school, and that he thought that Tyler would do very well in public school.

Well, Mr. Claus, I think you are leaving the Christian school. I think you should apply at public school. I think you will do very well there.

Karma sucks doesn't it?

Can someone please help me fix my format? So its centered and my profile comes back? Please, please, anyone????????????????

I wasn't very good yesterday. I ate bad, pizza and stuff. And I didn't run or exercize

in any way. I was going to run, but by the time I got around to it, which was after dark, wussed out and decided it was too cold out there. Where do I live again? Really, it was cold yesterday. So today I'm going to do better. I woke up feeling like crap too. So here's to a better day. I can't wait for time to magically happen, I have to make time to work out. So I'm going to run during the day today, whether housework is done or not. I have to make it a priority. And I'm going to force myself to do some resistance exercises with Royce. Maybe Biceps and Tris. That sounds good. I don't like waking up feeling like crap. Of course the reason I stayed up too late was well worth it, trust me. If I'm in better shape I'll be able to tolerate those late-night/early morning sex fests. Yeah. Thats motivation. ANYHOW.............. And I was really hungry this morning, and wanted a hostess cupcake. I was good, and decided to have something good. I'm currently cooking a veggie burger and zuccini in olive oil, all ingredients organic. Yeah, I know, zuccini in the morning is weird, but I'm weird, and I like it. Yesterday was such a bad day for me during the day. I don't know why. I think its hormonal. I did pretty well at rising above my desire to be cold and despondant and sit at the bar all day. I was moody, but I think pleasant overall. I think I hurt Royce's feelings though. So sorry Baby. Its just those hormones. I'm learning how to live productively with them. I know the experts say there is no correlation, but I swear bad things happen after you tie your tubes. Everything is so much worse. I'm sure losing some weight and getiing healthy will help that too. I didn't do any of those things I was inclined to do yesterday, I cleaned the kitchen, did some touch up painting in the kitchen, which today looks so good, took the kids for a walk, and helped everyone get ready for school today. I did eat pizza, and have a McDonald's ice cream cone though. It tasted so good though. Today is a new day. Deb and Nikki and Royce, I failed you yesterday. Will do better today. It actually helps to know you guys are with me. We can do this. We will do this.

We watched Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night (I'm sure that helped to get us both in the mood - love you honey). The third time I've seen it. It just exudes sexual tension. We saw it the very day it came out last year, May 15th I believe.

There are a few movies coming up I really want to see. I wasn't sure about Brokeback Mountain, but I saw the preview and it looks wonderful, and I've heard only good things about it from people who have seen it. I think it won best picture a couple of days ago didn't it? At the Golden Globes? I think its one of those movies that tests what you are made of. If you are evolved enough to celebrate the beautiful human moments even though you don't totally understand something. The world would be a very different place if we all did that. To be able to relate to everyone one on a human level, to be able to look past differences and feel the things that we all have in common as human beings - love, acceptance, rejection, fear, secrets, and peace. No matter who we are, what culture, what race, what gender, what age, what belief system we all have these same basic needs and struggles. So hopefully I will get to see that one soon.

I was so excited to find out that Captain Jack Sparrow is coming back. Pirates of the Carribean 2, Dead Man's Chest, is coming on July 6,2006. I can't get enough of Johnny. He is an incredible actor. That should be good. And I saw that they are already planning a 3rd one. That was my favorite ride at Disneyland. Gotta see it.

I really would like to see Walking the Line, the story of Johnny Cash.

Karl suggested a movie on his blog, www.karlslittlesoapbox.blogspot.com (hope its ok Karl that I just did that) that I haven't seen, called Rabbit-Proof Fence. Seems like a powerful movie. I will have to see that one too. Where can we get the movie Karl? Let us know.

And a movie that I've been meaning to see, which is on pay-per-view right now, Crash. I think its another one of those movies that tests who you are. Difficult to watch. But I think you come away from it learning things about yourself. And that is always time well spent. I plan on watching it tonight. I think I will have my kids watch it with us. Its about racism, and prejudice of many kinds, and real life. I know alot of people probably disagree with me, but I do not protect my children from real life. I want to teach them how to live well IN it. My children need to be kept safe - physically, mentally and spiritually. But I don't believe keeping real life from them is doing them any favors. They have to live in it too, and it is important to me to be honest with them. Education. The most powerful protector I can arm them with. Education, honesty, and unconditional love. Those are my goals with my children.

My next question. Maybe a little frivolous, but thats ok. Talking alot about celebrities and movies lately. Here's my question:

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Question # 4:

Do we have a right to invade the privacy of famous people? How far is too far? What rights do they have? What is acceptable and not acceptable to expose about them? And ways of getting that information? Should they be an "open book" because they are in the public eye? It is their choice after all, right? Is it not a small price to pay for all of their fame and fortune? Is that just a hazard of the job?

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Tomorrow is my Ryan's birthday. He'll be 4. I can't believe he is already 4. I have been so blessed by him. Learned so much about love from him. Unconditional, pure love. And the whole relationship that has developed between Ryan and Royce is so wonderful. It developed so unexpectedly for everyone. Thank you Royce. You have gone far above and beyond what even a wonderful person would do. I love you for it - More than words can ever say. Even Kirk loves Ryan - imagine that. You just can't not love Ryan. Its impossible. That text in the Bible that talks about having to become like a child to enter the kingdom of heaven, was talking about Ryan. I haven't seen a more pure heart. His birthday is tomorrow, but party will be on Friday. Gotta wait til payday so I can make it really good for him.

CONGRATULATIONS ANGELINA !!!!

I have to officially say congratulations (I act like she's actually going to read this). And I have to post a couple of pictures of my girl and Brad.

This next one is from the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith.

Royce and I are going to rent that tonight. I need to buy it.

These next ones are just all kinds of hot. Enough said.

These next two are of her really cool tiger tattoo on her back.

She actually had it tattooed the old fashioned way, as you can see, that REALLY hurts. Makes me feel like a wus. Ouch.

If you want some really good wallpapers of Angelina, actually of practically any famous beautiful woman you want, www.skins.be is a really good place to find some. They are free and easy to download. They are all beautiful, very sexy, and tastefully done. I highly recommend it.

There's probably going to be an Aerosmith theme to my posts until February 1st. What day is it today? How many days to go? Dawn has told me that Tina has actually and formally purchased the tickets, yesterday morning, and she actually bought 8 of them. We have 3 extra tickets. 145 buck a pop. I am soooooooooooooooooo excited. God I love them. Listening to "My Big Ten Inch" right now. Their blues are so great. He is so beautiful. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

17 days.

I am going to listen to all their stuff until then. The Other Side. What It Takes. Livin on the Edge. Walk this Way. Cryin. Dude Looks Like A Lady. I can't wait to see him on stage. He can show me his big ten inch anyday (love you Royce).

And yes Trailady, I love his daughter too. It's so cool that you would mention that. Liv Tyler is such a good actress. I haven't seen her in too much, I didn't see The Lord of the Rings (yeah, you can smack me now, I always want to read the books first, and haven't read it yet). But I did see her in "Heavy". Incredible movie, if you haven't seen it you need to. I also saw her in "That thing you do". The one Tom Hanks did. Good movie too. There was a part in that movie, I just so related to her. Toward the end where she got so upset and left. I cried and cried. She is incredible. Good genes I guess. She has such an innocent, genuine quality about her. And she looks so much like him. I just love him. Can you tell? Listening to Dream On right now. I figure I better see them at least once before they either die or qualify for the senior discount at Denny's. They are just one of those bands that transcends time. They've been around forever. Dawn and I are gonna have so much fun that night. We'll have to fight each other. Okay, maybe we'll share.

What It Takes. Probably the all time best break-up song of all time. That and Bon Jovi's You Give Love a Bad Name. Boy do I remember that one. Karl, I know you don't listen to this kinda music, but you should go to letssingit.com and look at the lyrics for What It Takes by Aerosmith. Good Song.

Have to leave you with some pictures.

She looks just like Daddy.

She's so beautiful. Just like Daddy.

You know that top 10 list that everyone has? Come on, I know you have one. She was on Mike's list, and she is on Royce's. Somehow I know she's on Karl's too, I would put money on it. And somehow I think that she is the only one that all of them would have in common. Maybe that means her and I have something in common, that's a nice thought.

You know how some lines in some songs are so good?

"Now there's not even breathing room - Between pleasure and pain".

I love that line. A few of us have been there haven't we?

"If you can judge a wise man By the color of his skin, Then mister you're a better man than I"

Thats another one.

However, in What It Takes, the line that goes "How's the pain supposed to go", I always thought that line should say "How's the pain supposed to know". I always sing it that way.

Another night of work in. Gotta sleep. Night night.

Time to Dream On.

Peace

Okay, so I was wrong. The verbally abusive, manipulative, selfish, clueless, nasty 18 year old, already mother of one pitiful baby, who is positive for meth-amphetamines, whos water broke 9 weeks too early (31 weeker) because of the meth use, who is now infected because her water broke, whos baby now not only has meth flowing through its little veins but now is infected and has to be delivered 9 weeks early because of it, who has no questions about the baby only about how this infection can hurt her, who reeks when the covers are pulled back, and who is too fucking fat to turn over in bed even though baby's heart rate is down and brain cells ( the quality of brain cells however is questionable considering the gene pool they are swimming in) are gasping for air............okay, not so fun to take care of.

Not so rewarding.
Scottsdale not looking so bad at this point.
At least rich, demanding white girls usually bathe.
Oh I love my job, love my job, love my job.

The more I know people, yep - the more I like my dog.

I'm so psyched. I believe my co-worker and friend Miss Tina is purchasing Aerosmith tickets tonight, or even possibly as we speak, for the concert on Feb. 1. and 5 of us girls from work are going to go. OMG I can't believe I'm actually going to see them. Beautiful Steven Tyler. In my next life I want to come back as his microphone stand. And Lenny Kravitz is opening for them. Yummmmmmmmmmmy. I'll have to go to Hot Topic and pick out a hot outfit. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. Beautiful Steven. (I love you Royce)

Waiting for my cocktail to start taking effect. Nyquil is starting. Will be asleep before the benadryl hits, but will SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. And the Brandy is already warming my soul.

I just want to say how much fun it has been talking to Deb, and Nikki and Cathy here.
And I want to thank Trailady for visiting, being part of our little community, and for always leaving such nice comments. Hell, for leaving comments at all. I always enjoy your comments. I feel like I'm making a couple new friends, Deb and Trailady, and that I'm reconnecting with my two oldest and best friends, Nikki and Cathy. This is a good thing.

I'm in such a good mood. Too bad I have to waste it sleeping. Maybe I'll have some good dreams. Naughty Royce dreams. Naughty Steven Tyler dreams. Royce and Steven at the same time (I love you baby - really, you know its that week, I can't help it). And gee, I'll have to fit Lenny Kravitz in there somewhere. Hmmmmmmm..........what to do, what to do.

Nikki, we need to talk. Sorry I'm working so much. Email me. Angry? I'm sorry. Talk to me.
Deb - keep it up. Lets do this together. I love reading your blog everyday. You crack me up.
Valerie - I'm sorry you are hurting. We are all here for you and care alot about you. We don't ever try to be hurtful, we just all really like you and want you to be happy. I'm sorry about your rings.
And Monica - he is soooooooo cute.

Royce - I love you lots and lots.

Finishing the brandy in one last gulp.
Night night.

Must leave you today with some pictures of beautiful Steven.

Listening to Dream On.

Just got home from work. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Another shift in. I always feel good when its done. Just took a benedryl, a swig of nyquil and am having a brandy and coke. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.............. What we night nurses do to sleep during the day.

I showed my blog to my friend Gail earlier. I would love for her to visit me here. Gail is one of those people I would love to sit down with and just talk about lots of things, but I never seem to have the time. When she is coming I am going. She's really great to follow though. Whenever I get a patient from her, I know that everything is completly done and thorough. I told her if she ever wanted to get in my head to come here. She obviously knows me pretty well, and asked if that were really a safe place to go?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.........Brandy. Don't feel the nyquil yet.

Gotta think of a new question. (think. think. think.)

Okay, got one. Now this is really a question that I have, not one of those rhetorical one. This is something I really want more information on. Something that intrigues me and that I want more information on.

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Question # 4.
What is wicca? And what do they believe?
============================

The more I learn about them, and pagans, and "alternative" religions, the more I feel like I've held those same values for a long time. It has actually surprised me on occasion how much I have in common with their values and beliefs, without even knowing it. I remember one day I was surfing blogs, actually after reading Sharon's blog (how ironic is THAT???) when I just first was introduced to them, and I found a couple of blogs written by pagan authors, and I remember sitting there, weeping, weeping unexpectedly, I think because it felt so good to know that there are other people out there that feel the way I do, that I can relate to. It totally shocked me. I sat there for like 2 hours, completely unaware of time. I know they believe in nature, and the earth, and different gods. They believe in peace, and harmony in everything, and energy and spells, utilizing the power of nature, and having the right believe and practice however they want peacefully. To be left alone. They are "witches". They believe in the beauty of life and the power of nature. All of this is information that I have got myself from reading, and from talking to some people. (No Diane Dimonte is not one of them, I am interested DESPITE her so called involvement, which after learning about them I don't think she really is one, I think she is just trying to scare people. She is pretty evil though, would you not agree?) I would like to know more.

I can't help but wonder if I have been wrong about them all my life. When I actually educate myself about them, they are nothing like what I was taught they were. Evil, satanic, secret, and dangerous. They seem nothing like this. I guess that says something for education. We should never judge until we know the whole story. I want to know the whole story. A hundred years ago the midwives would have been considered witches. Midwives have a wonderful, natural, beautiful, holistic, spiritual view of a completely natural process, personal process. Some of the most beautiful deliveries I've seen have been with midwives, not "delivering" babies with monitors and interventions, with time frames and "the curve" that we must not fall off, but with patience and support, helping - not delivering, with some tricks of the trade that really work. And these women would have been burned at the stake 200 years ago. Anyone who wasn't traditional, mainstream "christian" society was evil. And had to be done away with. Anything that wasn't understood was a threat and must be dealt with. A hundred years ago people would have thought that a small box on your table, that could mysteriously transmit images and communicate with people far away must surely be from the devil. For it is something that we can't explain, therefore it must be bad. And here we are, a hundred years later, there you are, sitting at your computer, using the internet everyday.

I would appreciate any and all information and answers to my question.

Nyquil is kicking in.
Must sleep.
Night night.
Peace.

Okay, proud of myself. That jello day the other day? You know when I didn't want to do anything? I actually ate good all day, got all the couches cleaned under, and ran a mile with Shadow, and then put myself on call at work, and went to work at 11 pm and made on-call pay. I actually got off my butt. So that was good.

Am at work right now. You know, I am so spoiled at this hospital sometimes. When you think of County Hospital, one does not usually think of it being a "spoiled" atmosphere. But as far as patients go, I am so spoiled. We have the absolute nicest patients here. That's probably why I like working here. They are always so appreciative and pleasant. I remember working at Scottsdale North. OH MY GOD. I didn't go to nursing school to be a maid or a waitress. The brown-nosing that goes on there - something I'm not very good at. And the staff were more nauseating than the patients. That's the kind of job I call a stepping stone. It got me here. And this is definately where I belong. I've seen some of the strongest women here. Most are all so self-sufficient, and so grateful for everything. I can't imagine working with a different population (aka: whiny white rich people). I've been so spoiled for so long. And there are so many times when I leave work, realizing how good my life is. How much I have to be thankful for.

Heather told me tonight about a website. Very Interesting. www.Hedonism.com. Apparently she has booked a vacation. Something I think Royce and I will have to look into. Somehow I think he'll be ok with that. Maybe we will try and go at the same time Heather and her husband go - she said in July. I love Heather. She's one of those people that always make me feel better after I've been around her. In alot of ways we are very kindred spirits. I wish I got to work with her more often. So I'll have to check it out.

Have to be at work for the next 3 nights. Yuk.

Okay, I finally think that Angelina might be pregnant. Good for her. And Brad's adopting her other two kids. What lucky kids. I still think people should just leave her alone. But if she is, I'm happy for her. I love her too. Another kindred spirit. I understand her. And she is SO beautiful.

One more couch done. That one not too bad. One to go.

Okay. Cleaned behind and under one couch. Its amazing what you find. Piece of a banana, a plastic spoon, a real spoon, a mallet, a screwdriver, unrecognizible pieces of food - I think, lots of toys, kids books, a fitness magazine (thats the secret folks, the fitness magazine works magically under furniture), a piece of peppermint candy that I had to chisel off the floor, and about $2.oo in change. Etc, etc, etc.

Deb, can I just say that you crack me up. Your song made me laugh - I'm trying to come up with more verses in my head. And I also don't remember the words to our academy song. I do remember writing alternate words to the same song in an Ode to Mrs. Russell ( don't know if you remember her, she worked in the office, real old biddy). Its went something like this"

(to the music of the school song)

To Mrs. Russell

May you learn how to smile some day

To Mrs. Russell

Here's the money you force me to pay

Ra, Ra, Ra!!!

'Neath the ceiling of your comfy office

You send my bill with delight

From the last to the first,

To us you're the worst,

Mrs. JOY Russell

Can't believe I remember that. I probably wrote it during one of Mr. Turner's classes or something.

I'm having a day like you did the other day. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there. Not talk to anyone, just sleep and be motionless. But I think I'm going to force myself to be motionfull. I think I will take Shadow for a walk/jog after I write this. Hopefully I will have a better state of mind after working out.

Don't know what's wrong with me today. Can't seem to snap into anything. Just wanna sleep and drink wine, not necessarily in that order. It's my good week, I'm not sleep deprived, I'm not sick like everyone else around here. Can't get my mind in a good place.

Cathy, its good to hear from you again. Hope you feel better soon. Actually, you know me, comfortably numb is usually a place I like to go, and if the doctor actually prescribed something that got me there, I'd be in heaven. I know it takes a certain amount of "stress" to get things accomplished, but it doesn't help anything to stress out over things we can't control - like taxes. I would be completely enjoying that relaxed, feel nothing, no reaction state if it were me. I'm glad you started writing on here again. Missed you.

Royce, just ignore me today. Hope I'm not too unbearable.

Nikki, I'm glad we're doing this getting in shape thing together. It really helps me to do it with other people. I know you've had days like this. I call them jello days.

Maybe some yoga will help.

Maybe reading a book in the bathtub.

Okay, off to put myself in motion.

Baby Noor

From ajc.com today -

Born three months ago with Spina Bifida, Noor has a large growth on her back where her spinal cord did not properly close. She requires immediate surgery to correct the problem.
Iraqi doctors told the family they could do nothing for the baby and that she did not have long to survive. Charlie Company soldiers found the baby during a search of the family home in the slums of Abu Ghraib, just west of Baghdad.
They were determined to help save the life of the frail child.


From CNN today -


Noor's journey began when Georgia National Guard members raided her family's home in Baghdad looking for weapons. As Noor's parents nervously watched the soldiers searching their home, the girl's grandmother -- unfazed -- thrust Noor at the Americans, showing them a purple pouch protruding from her back. (Watch Noor steal the guardsmen's hearts -- 2:11)
"I saw this child as the first-born child of the young mother and father, and really, all I could think of was my five children back at home and my young daughter," Lt. Jeff Morgan said. "And I knew if I had the opportunity whatsoever to save my daughter's life, I would do everything possible."
So the guardsmen began devising a plan to get Noor the help she needs, first by visiting the family under the cover of night so the family wouldn't be punished by insurgents for speaking to American soldiers.
They sneaked Noor to a U.S. military base for medical examinations and called American charities and their own friends back home to solicit help for the little girl. Even Sen. Saxby Chambliss, R-Georgia, got involved, working to expedite the family's visas.

For both complete news articles go to CNN.com and ajc.com

I see stuff like this all the time at work, and on tv, and it always fascinates me. But it was reading about how the grandmother gave the baby to the soldiers that got me. I have to recognize and celebrate the amazing things as well as express and embrace the dark ones. She was very brave. And its the cutest baby ever. And no matter how you feel about the war or the reason or politics behind everything, those soldiers did a good thing and were also very brave.

I'm learning that bravery doesn't mean that you are not scared, it means you do the right thing in the face of obsticles.

Yeah! I lost a pound. Its only been a few days and I lost a pound. 167 now. Its my good week, too, actually just started, so my weight is really accurate right now.

( Good week referring to the week after my period. Week right before, bad, BAD week. Week during, physically don't feel good. Week after, BEST!! Week after best, ok. I've had this little cycle regimen since high school. Alot has gotten worse with babies and my tying my tubes.)

Its been less than a week, and lost one pound. So mabye 2 pounds a week is good to expect? Theres that part of me that is disappointed that its not more like 5 pounds already, and feels discouraged, like it will never happen. But I'm going to choose to be happy about my one pound, and live good today.

Didn't exercise yesterday. My legs really hurt. Will try and jog today.

The kids have been sick for the last week at my house. Lyndsey all week, poor little thing. Now Tyler has it, and Sydney on and off. And I think Ryan had a fever last night. Royce has it too. Can't believe I haven't gotten it yet. That's why I haven't worked all week, staying home taking care of everyone. Gotta get to work.

Yesterday I ate good. Veggie burger sandwich, 2 v-8s (I love v-8), a tomato. Then later I had a little soup and some granola before bed. And glass of wine. Only one glass last night - well actually thats all there was left, or I probably woulda had more. And I didn't feel too hungry yesterday. The Effedra really helps my appetite alot. And my workouts.

Effedra is my friend.

Deb, I have a thin girl and fat girl too. I think we all do. Fat girl WILL behave today. She will.
Fat girl will behave so thin girl can party someday.

I'm feeling hungry now - going to go eat something good.

Peace

I was thinking of this song. I thought I would look it up, and sure enough I found it. Words and all. I think alot of my friends, my sisters, and me, can relate to the words. I've always liked it. I wanted to put it on here. I lost the music and lyrics along time ago and have kind of forgotten about it.

Karl and I sang this song together a long time ago. I'm not sure if you remember or not Karl. I think it was the first time I ever really sang in front of anyone. I sang melody and you sang harmony. I was really nervous, and it was kind of disastrous cause my microphone wasn't working, and so only you, the harmony could be heard. I think I still have that tape though. Maybe I'll look for it tonight.

THE WARRIOR IS A CHILD

Lately I've been winning battles left and right
But even winners can get wounded in the fight
People say that I'm amazing
Strong beyond my years
But they don't see inside of me
I'm hiding all the tears

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
The warrior is a child

Unafraid because His armor is the best
But even soldiers need a quiet place to rest
People say that I'm amazing
Never face retreat
But they don't see the enemies
That lay me at His feet

They don't know that I go running home when I fall down
They don't know who picks me up when no one is around
I drop my sword and and cry for just a while
'Cause deep inside this armor
the warrior is a child

The more I know people, the more I like my dog. Don't get me wrong, I have never been much of a dog person. Grew up with cats, love cats, never really had a dog. And the first few experiences I had with dog ownership have been really bad. But we got Tebony last Christmas for Sydney(he looks like a chihuahua, but is about 5 times bigger than one, we call him the Giant Chihuahua, yes Sydney named him, I think it was supposed to be a version of "Ebony", but with a "T"). It has been really good, and we all love him. Occasionally I will take him for a walk. About 2 months ago I was out walking Tebs, and a big black lab followed me, and followed me all the way home. I tried to shoo him away at first, but he was very persistant. Now this dog had been living in the neighborhood as a stray for about 2 weeks. We had seen him living in the alleys and empty lots, always looking for food, obviously abandoned or lost. He was very street smart, very good at crossing busy streets. A definate street dog. After seeing him up close you could tell he had been someone's pet, he was beautiful, healthy, shiny deep pure black. He followed me home and has not left since. He instantly bonded to the kids, especially the 2 little ones, Ryan and Shi Shi. I named him Shadow, thinking we might be able to keep him. He has never expressed one ounce of agressiveness towards any of the kids, or me or Royce. In fact, that first day we had him, he allowed Cheyenne to take food out of his mouth, even after he had been on the streets for at least 2 weeks and probably very hungry. He instantly claimed me, and instantly loved the rest of the family. I wasn't too crazy about it at first, not sure I wanted another dog. I didn't like how he jumped all over me, sniffed my hand every time he saw me, tore trash apart and constantly wanted in the house, even jumped through windows to get in. But Royce instantly loved him and wanted very badly to keep him. So I decided to just deal with it, but wasn't very happy about it. I think the turning point happened with Doug. Doug was over, about 4 or 5 days after Shadow came, and it was the first time Shadow had ever seen him. At this point Shadow had totally bonded with the kids, was sleeping inside, and everything. Doug was rough-housing with Ryan. Picking him up, throwing him in the air. Just play roughing him up. Nothing inappropriate. Ryan loves Doug and was totally loving it. But Shadow didn't see it that way. First Shadow got closer to them, and just kind of stood there, very concerned - and watching, no tail wagging. Royce picked up on it, and warned Doug. "You better stop doing that, I don't think the dog likes it." Doug didn't think much of it, and ignored the warning. He sat down on the couch to rest, and Shadow went directly over, put his head right in Doug's crotch, about 2 inches from his testicles, and proceeded to growl this long, low growl. Like any smart man, Doug quietly put Ryan down, and Royce moved Shadow. That was it. The dog is staying. He won me over right there. I knew he would protect my children. I started to think, maybe having this dog wasn't such a bad thing after all. So a few days later, I bought him a collar. And occasionally took him for a walk. He had obviously been on a leash before, pulled a little, but listened well and behaved well. He is very strong, and could totally pull out of the leash, but never tried. Not even to chase a cat. I've been trying to get in shape for awhile, and been more serious about it lately. I don't like how much I weigh, and I've been having some other symptoms, like my blood pressure is slowly going up ( sometimes 160's over like 96 - yeah I know, I'm a nurse), and recently I've started having some chest pain and dizziness, once like 2 weeks ago, and then again about 3 days ago. After Mr. Brubaker, its really starting to scare me. And I know I have a biological cousin that dropped dead of a heart attack at like 35 years old. How old am I again? I keep thinking, it can't be heart problems, young 20 something people don't have heart problems. Then wait -I'm not in my 20's anymore, I'm half way through my 30's. Yeah. And I really want to change how I look. Royce loves me how I am, but I know I could look so much better. Have you seen Marisa Tomei? She's like 40. And Demi Moore? It's getting really inexcusible (is that a word?) to me. And now I'm having some cardiac symptoms. So enough is enough. I started jogging again. I started last spring, then it got hot, so I quit. I would take Tebs with me then. I never thought I could jog, so never did it. I never thought is was possible with my bust size, which was always huge, and after kids has just increased to overwhelming proportions. Never though jogging was a good idea because of the girls. And let's face it, in my neighborhood (emphasis on the "HOOD" part) a pair of 38 double D's bouncing up and down as I jog down Van Buren by myself at any time of day is probably not a very good idea. Regardless of the area, I love my neighborhood. It is my home. I have always gone for walks, but not without guys honking, yelling, turning their car around 3 or 4 times and telling me to get in. I would always walk against traffic, so no one could sneak up behind me and force me into their car. I've had to cross the street many times in the middle of the road because guys keep turning around to come up behind me. I've had them pull off, wait down the road, and wait for me to walk past their car. And some guys are really agressive. Some get really pissed if you don't get in or speak to them. If you just keep walking. The peel out, screeching their tires. I 've been literally propositioned for sex for money a couple of times. Once by a cabbie who blocked my way with his car, and everytime I would walk forward he would move his car a little, trying to persuade me to get in. Royce was out of town, our phone was out, and I was just trying to walk to 7-11 to make a phone call to call him. Its so fucking annoying. I've had to take alternate routes to my house so they won't know where I live, down a different street, down an alley. I know its the area, Van Buren will always be notorious for prostitutes, but it is also my home, my space, and I refuse to let stupid people control whether I can go for a walk or not. I'm just not stupid about it. I don't wear mini skirts, or heels, I always look like I am walking with a purpose, I try to appear to be exercizing, and I don't go in the middle of the night, and I can't wear any shirt that is remotely fitted. I will have to change what I'm wearing to go for a walk. Annoying, but necessary for safety. Its all good, I've gotten used to it. It always helps if I have a stroller with me, or a couple of the kids. And if Royce goes with me there is never a problem. But alot of times I just want to be by myself. Is that so wrong? And these are the reactions I get when I simply WALK down the street. These are the reactions minus the jiggly, double D, Pamela Anderson factor. So jogging by myself really hasn't been an option. Until now. I've been taking Shadow with me. There is something about a big black lab that make people leave you alone. I can go jogging now. By myself. I feel safe. OMG I never thought I would be able to do this. I didn't even have to change my shirt into some oversized shirt of Royce's. It is so liberating. And jogging is so good for you. I feel so good after I do it. I get a high that you can't get from just walking. NO ONE bothers me now. And I can go at sunset, my very most favorite time of day. And Shadow has given this to me. Shadow has given me freedom. And security. It is such a gift that this dog has given to me. And who knows how many things he will prevent from happening, someone breaking into the house, someone taking one of my kids, someone hurting one of the kids, someone hurting me. He may have already prevented something from happening in the short time that he has been here. I was so touched by him the other day. It was basically the first time he was out walking with me that we had to cross a very busy street at the cross walk. And it was dark. As we were in the crosswalk, he got very nervous, stopped a couple of times, very tentative, ready to run. Every fiber of his being, all of his instinct was telling him that he should not be there. He should only cross the street when the cars are far away, and here they are right next to him, lights in his face, lots of noise, cars turning fast close to him. Everything was telling him this was wrong. Very, very wrong. I kept talking to him, reassuring him, coaxing him across. He overcame every desire to obey his instinct, his survival instinct that has been bred into him since the beginning of time, because his desire to please me was more important to him. It made me realize how lucky I am to have him, and how important I am to him. What Shadow has given me is priceless - he has given me safety, security, freedom, protection, and companionship. And all he wants in return, all that makes him deliriously happy, all it takes to completely fulfill him is a pat on the head, food to eat, a warm place to sleep, and the occasional kind word. Not a bad deal. Dogs love us unconditionally. Shadow found me. He knew I needed him. He knew our family needed him.

Yeah. The more I know people, the more I like my dog.

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Question # 3. Do our pets have souls? Do dogs have souls? If there is a heaven, will our pets be there? Are not loyalty, love, companionship, guilt and remorse (I've seen dogs feel guilty, you betcha), and pure bliss the components of our souls? I know alot of pets that are alot better than alot of people I know.

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I started this year out at 168 pounds. Yeah, there's honesty for ya. My weight displayed on the world wide web. I'm going to try to jog everyday that I am not working, do regular resistance training with Royce, and change my diet. Yesterday we went to the co-op and bought a bunch of organic stuff. I'm not liking the chemicals and hormones that they put in stuff (did you know that they put human genes in vegetables to make the skin stronger, I never knew this, it kinda grosses me out), and I don't like the way animals are treated at the meat farms. I don't like how they are forced to live and I don't like how they die. If I really feel this way I should back it up with how I live. And I really don't like putting that stuff in my body. I don't feel good. I'm going to see if I feel better living like this. And I feel like I shouldn't give some of that stuff to my kids. It is more expensive, so that may be a little challenging. And I'm sure I will have days when I slip up, sometimes you just gotta have that cheese burger. But I think I'm on the brink of a very different lifestyle. We'll see. I will keep my progress posted on here. 168 pounds now. I need to lose about 50.

I've got no soul to sell.

somewhere over the rainbow way up high
there's a land that i heard of once in a lullaby
somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true
one day i'll wish upon a star
and wake up where the clouds are far behind me
where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me
somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
birds fly over the rainbow
why oh why can't i
where troubles melt like lemon drops
away above the chimney tops
that's where you'll find me
somewhere over the rainbow bluebirds fly
birds fly over the rainbow
why then oh why can't i

Listening to Tori Amos.
It always surprises me how much I cry when I listen to that song. When she sings it.
Thats where I want to go.
Whoever doesn't understand the darkness thing, its because I'm not there.
And you won't get it till you hear her sing it.
The place where nothing bad is.

Comfortably numb. The next best thing.

Do you ever have those epiphanys (did I spell that right?) in life? Those moments when everything makes sense, or at least finds its place? I remember watching "The Wall" for the very first time. In Cathy's living room. I was just in shock and totally amazed that someone else had been where I was. I felt like I had somehow come home. Someone else lived in the same place I did. That was that first year out of high school. Yeah, that year, for those of you that remember. And there has only continued to be more and more bricks in the wall. My wall. My beautiful, safe wall.

Hello
Is there anybody in there
Just nod if you can hear me
Is there anyone at home

O.k.Just a little pin prick

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying

This child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably Numb

I have become comfortably numb

Hey you, out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old, can you feel me?
Hey you, out there on the road
Always doing what you're told, can ya help me?

This is the center of my dark. Probably shouldn't be writing right now. Makes the wall come down.
Nikki, I'm so sorry about Keaton. Its one of those dark things. I was going to write tonight about the animals. Somehow got off track. I will though. I really am sorry. It's so hard.
Cathy, I understand more than you think.
Karl, hope you're listening. I'm speaking, are you listening? If there ever was anything, anything worth anything, I hope you are listening.
Royce, you are my salvation.

Royce, this is truly my song to you. Me, naked. Closer.

You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

I have no soul to sell