This new year, 2006, I think I'm going to take a suggestion from my best friend's blog, --- to Question Everything. I'm going to consistently post questions on here. I want answers from anyone and everyone, friends, enemies, annoymous, whoever. Questions that don't necessarily have right or wrong answers, questions about life, spirituality, the unknown, ethics, beauty, anything and everything, silly, intellectual, complicated, controversial, different points of view, taboo, unexceptable, children's, anything. Maybe not everyday, but consistently.

Today is my wedding anniversary. Two years ago Royce and I got married. It was at Papago Park, outside, on a beautiful day, by a lake, with maybe 25 - 30 of our closest friends and family. The ceremony was simple, sincere and beautiful. There were ducks in the background, along with the sounds of my children and their friends playing. I remember the sounds of my children. My good friend Phil performed the ceremony, we became husband and wife by his words. My only regret is that my very best friend Nikki couldn't be there. But I know she was in spirit. We stood in front of only people that are closest in our hearts and promised. I remember the intensity of standing there, facing my Royce, grasping his hand as tightly as he was grasping mine, and looking into his eyes. My eyes never leaving his, or my hands, as we promised. We promised our love, loyalty and our souls. It felt like we were the only ones standing there. I have never intended to keep a promise as much as I did that day. And still do. Royce and I did not go into this marriage thing lightly. Neither one of us is a big believer in the institution of marriage. He came to me that day as someone who was giving up many dreams that were very important to everything he is, that would now never be realized, in exchange - for me. He was exchanging a life of being carefree, for one with overwhelming responsibilities - to be with me. I was the only prize at the end of the rainbow. He somehow unselfishly came to the conclusion that my life, with all its complications and responsibilities, and limits, was worth more to him than his dreams, because it included me. I came to him that day, a very independent, very stubborn, cautious woman who didn't trust anyone, but knew in my heart I couldn't be happy without him. And Royce, and everything he is was worth more to me than my issues, more than my independence, and more than my fears. I married him not because I wanted to get married ( I had NEVER wanted to be married again), I married him because I wanted to be married to HIM. Its very scary to give that much of yourself to someone, to make yourself that vulnerable and naked. I wore a purple sheer/satinny dress with little moons and stars on it. The material changed colors in the sun. Inside I carried our beautiful Shi Shi, a perfect product of both of us; she was there too. And my precious, beautiful Ryan got a Dad that day. Officially. We had a small, simple lunch for our friends, with candles and a couple bouquets of flowers. We laughed, and we visited. I don't think I have had a more perfect day. We both look back on it as just the perfect day. Its a great place to look back on when times are hard. Phil told us that day that we had the chance to do something amazing and wonderful.

I love you very, very much Royce, with all of my heart. I will always be faithful to you and love you. I never ever thought I would have someone like you. You are still too good to be true, and I still have to pinch myself to make sure I am not dreaming. All of my girlfriends are still as envious as hell. You are my knight in shining armour. You rescued me. You've rescued me from danger, from real physical danger, from reality, from lonliness, from being a single parent, from untrust, and from myself. I am proud and grateful to be your wife, and hope that I am still worth all of those things you gave up. I love you. Happy Anniversary Baby.

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Here's my first question.
Question # 1. Is there such thing as a soulmate? What is the definition of a soulmate? It it does exist, is there only one? What if you never find them? How do you know when you do find them?

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WE HAVE WHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!! We. haven't had a car since the accident on my birthday. We finally have one, and everyone fits in it. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Annie, thinking of you. I remember you.................in all the old familiar places. Still too soon to write about you.

Worked last night. Slept till 3. Listening to music. Just had pizza. Drinking cheap wine from 7 - 11. Tyler playin Halo next to me. Its all good. One of those days when I need to completely submerge myself into music. Need my fix. Not one kind of music, just whatever I like. If people could see my Napster list, they would either laugh or quit talking to me.

Listening to: Redneck Woman - Gretchen Wilson ( reminds me of you Valerie), Need You Tonight - INXS, Closer - Nine Inch Nails, Dream On - Aerosmith, Blaze of Glory (always reminded me of you Karl, always thought we should sing it together, the harmony is incredible) and You Give Love A Bad Name - Bon Jovi, Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand, White Lines (remember that song?????????) - Grand Master Flash, I'm Not Okay - My Chemical Romance, Comfortably Numb - Pink Floyd, Personal Jesus and Tainted Love (remember that commercial with the guy on the operating room table that flatlines?) - Marilyn Manson, Cat Scratch Fever - Ted Nugent.

My clusterfuck Napster list.

Wow .....................that's weird.







Musical chaos. My controlled chaos. Makes total sense to me though.


I'll stand barefooted in my own frontyard with a baby on my hip.
I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long.
HELL YA !!!!!


You let me violate you
You let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you
You let me complicate you
Help me
I broke apart my insides
Help me
I’ve got no soul to sell
Help me
The only thing that works for me
Help me get away from myself
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
My whole existence is flawed
You get me closer to god
You can have my isolation
You can have the hate that it brings
You can have my absence of faith
You can have my everything

There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
And I have become comfortably numb


Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares
Your own personal Jesus
Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there

These lyrics, words, totally sum up me right now. Where I'm at. Especially closer and comfortably numb.

4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

The other day I heard "Word Up", by Korn. Weird. Like it. I was dying. Korn is fastly becoming some of my very favorite music. Life is strange. Never knew any of Korn. Always associated it with my nephews suicide. He was 16. Shotgun. Close range to the neck, jugular. Horrific. I've seen, I know exactly what it probably looked like. Saw some pictures in a book my friend Jason had for his crime scene photography class. Sometimes I wonder what dark place my brother goes to. It was the last thing he was listening to. I've finally been able to separate that fact from how much I really like how they sound.

Strangely and frightenly surprises me how well I can sing Redneck Woman, and how much I enjoy it. I guess my roots are showing.

The other day I found myself listening to Amy Grant - Arms of Love, Raining on the Inside, and Sandi Patti. Boy do those songs take me back. Sometimes to a specific place and time. I love those songs. Yeah, I know ..............that's weird. But I do.

You need to go to this link. One of the funniest things I've seen. If you are a die hard Star Wars fan like me it will kill you. Tyler showed it to me. I think Lee showed it to him. Yoda on the drums. Dancing Stormtroopers. Anikan - he's so hot.
I love it. Star Wars video mod

Karl, I know you don't get any of this. Do you remember Festival? Come on now, I know you do. Do you remember The Imperial March? I was up on the riser, you remember - percussion. I could feel the power. I still remember that. That dark, powerful, ominous, wonderful power. Thats what this is. Humor me. Try to understand. I know you remember. I know you know.

I need to have a favorite quotes section. Quotes I use alot. Not always meaninfully. But nonetheless alot.

"I lovely cheese pizza. Just for me."

"Little Nancy Calihan. She grew up. She filled out."

"SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET"

"Life is short. If you don't pay attention, you might just miss it", not quoted exactly, sorry.

(Know where these are from? Anyone? Anyone?)

Cathy, my heart is with you.
Dawn, I wouldn't be in charge anymore either. Fuck them. Gee its funny how when you make a habit of firing people you end up breaking your neck. Karma at its best.
Suzie and Tara, I wish you would write to me.
Gina, I miss you.
Nikki, my sister. That says everything. I have a new respect and gratitude for Barnes and Noble. They saved me alot of pain.
Heather, you are in my head tonight. I think everything here you get. If I relate to anyone right now its you.

Royce, I'm sorry. I love you. I need you tonight.

Tyler, thank you for helping me do copying and pasting. Doug, thank you in advance for destressing me and helping me move my profile.

Well, time for a little Diana Krall. Yeah, I know, far from Korn. Think I might do a little piano tonight.

Peace

Dawn !!!!!!!!!!!! Guess who's coming to Phoenix in February????????????

Have to put some pictures of the beautiful Stephen Tyler here.

And guess who's opening for them??????????

LIFE IS GOOD.

(we have to go)

I'm frustrated because I can't get my profile to move back where it was before, now it is at the bottom of my first post. I have been playing and playing with everything, I even changed the template and all the fonts, but nothing seems to work, if anyone has any suggestions or answers I would very much appreciate it.

PappasAngel, I wasn't even sure who you were until I read your message that said you were going to stop by my house. I thought, who could that be? Then I saw your profile and blog. Yes, it is kinda weird that you were thinking and I was calling - especially after everything that has happened with us. You know though, at one time, for a very long time, we were very close, very intimate so to speak, not intimate the way most people use the word, but very in-tune to each other. That was a long time ago, but maybe we are getting back there. I'm so sorry that it took something very sad to get us back talking. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason. I don't believe that sometimes bad things happen so other good things can happen. But maybe this is one good thing that can happen because of your dad passing away. I think about your dad alot.

As far as being lost, I don't feel lost. As far as being in the dark, I'm happy there. Its my comfort zone. I'm lost not because I don't know my way, or where I belong. I've finally found that. I'm "lost" because everything I was ever taught or believed is a farce, an untruth. Bullshit. So now, I'm trying to find out what life is all about. Its kind like someone who has being blind their whole life. Reality is there, trees and birds, sounds, people, all of life is there. But they have never seen it. Everyone around them has described things to them, told them how things were. So they naturally created pictures, images, conclusions to make sense in their own reality of what things are, what they look like. Then they get their sight one day. And everything that they ever thought or believed is different. Nothing looks the way they thought, nothing is what they were told. That is where I am. I guess the only thing I'm looking for is truth. I've found my place, and like my place, despite what anyone thinks. You of all people should be able to relate to that.

As far as "those places", the strip clubs. I'm very sure that the reasons you went there, and the reasons I go there are VERY different reasons. I do not go there for sexual gratification, I do not leave with my pockets empty and horny as hell. I do not go there because I get turned on by watching naked women. I don't go there like the men do to gawk at naked women dancing for me and get off on it. The ones I go to are not, how did you put it, dark smelly dank places. For one thing, I like to take my husband there. Beautiful naked women are not intimidating to my relationship, and we both have a really good time there. I like them because there is an air of freedom there. No one is judging me there. We are constantly surrounded by sexual hang-ups, taboos, in this country. I personally am sick of all the taboo. There are no hang ups, or taboos there. I'm a very sexual person and it is a very sexual atmosphere. I like it. I will not apolgize for that or try to change it. Thats me. I like the music and the drinks, and the whole dark, sexual, sensual, hard-core atmosphere. It is a sactuary for me. I'm sorry if that sounds weird. Actually I'm not sorry. My husband at this point is wondering what he did right in a past life to have a wife that loves strip clubs. I love the atmosphere, it takes me away. And thats the only way I can explain it right now. And there are different qualities of strip clubs. Sure you can always find the neighborhood dive. And thats ok too. But there are also some very nice, high class places that are not like that. Its my vice, deal with it. You have yours. Everyone does. Everybody has their thing.

Just because I do not hang out at Barnes and Noble or have a vast library of English literature, don't judge my intellect. You should know me better than that. I think books that are "classics" have stood the test of time because they have something very important to say, something that transcends all time and space. The lessons in them could have been applied a hundred years ago, and in a hundred years will still be applicable. East of Eden is one of my very favorite books. An incredible book. And Tennessee Williams I think is my very favorite author. I think people do what works for them, and find reasons to put a belief system around it. If the Bible works for you, thats good. Doesn't work for me so much. All of your suggestions have been explored by me, have been shoved down my throat, you know how we were raised, you were there. I've honestly and sincerely gone to them looking for answers, and my questions were not answered. Apparently we are at very different places. You of all people, who have been judged and told you were wrong and sinful, that your life choices that are so much a part of who you are, are wrong and evil and that you are going to hell, should be empathetic to being judged, and told to look somewhere else for what is "right". Don't judge my choices, my enjoyments, my beliefs, my alternative lifestyle. It works for me and I'm happy. Take me or leave me.

I'm done with religion or any one elses opinion of God. And thats that.

I was calling you yesterday because I stopped by your mom's house to leave something for her. One of the things I left was a chocolate pie. I left them on your dad's old truck. I hope someone found the pie, although its kinda cold outside at night I'm sure it would be ok. I just wanted your mom to have them, and I wanted to check on her. I took Sydney and Lyndsey and Ryan with me. They were going to tell her Merry Christmas. I figured you all were at your Grandma's or somewhere. And then I remembered it was your birthday. Happy Birthday. I haven't told you that for a long time. Let me know if she got the stuff. I'm still very willing and happy to check on her, I probably will stop by sometime today.

Just wanted to say one thing more. Its hard sometimes to look at yourself and see fault. I'm not above that though. Its the only way we can really change. Its really funny how things turn out. How they all come full circle. Karma I guess. When everthing happened with us, I was very angry. I was determined to ruin your reputation at church. It was evil, and wrong, but thats where I was 13 years ago. I was set on making sure anytime you walked in there that you would feel weird, that people were talking about you, whether their talk was true or not. I wanted to make you feel self-conscious and weird there. Now, because of my sister and recent events, anytime, like 2 days ago, when I go there, people look at me weird. I can tell things have been said, some true, some not. I feel judged and not welcome there, like I have a disease of sin that someone there can catch, no one gets too close. Close enough to "be like Jesus" and say hello, not close enough that something my rub off onto them, not long enough that those watching might think that they and I were actually friends. People see me and think, oh my, her poor mother.

I'm sorry I ever did that to you. It was wrong and evil. And unchangeable. I can't take back what I did. I'm very sorry. I love you, and I've missed you all these years.
Maybe we both would have been a little different people, a little better people if we would have been friends all these years since then. I'm sorry. I want to say that here in front of the whole world. I'm reminded of the words of "The Road Not Taken" in high school. The path less traveled, the easier path. I took it.

To anyone else reading, yes Cathy and I are talking again.

The weirdest thing happened last night. I called you, as you know. I called, left that message, called again, no answer. So I thought I would call your mom's house, just in case anyone were there. The phone picked up and I heard your dad talking to me. His voice. Chills went up my spine.

I love you. I'm going to stop by your mom's today. Maybe I'll see ya.

I was all gung-ho about cleaning my house this morning. It is so bad right now. And here I've spent all this time at the computer. But sometimes things like this are more important aren't they? The housework will always be there.

MERRY CHRISTMAHANAKWANZIKAH !!!!!!!!!

Thanks to my friend Dawn, I can share these pictures. I can always count on her for high quality emails. And it would be wrong to keep these to myself on this blessed day of selfless giving.

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So about yesterday. Yeah. Chrismas Eve. I got up that morning and decided to go to church. I went to excommunicate myself, buy my ticket to hell - aka: have my name taken off the membership book. After everything that has happened, and then what had happened the night before, I had to do it. The night before, Dec. 23, my payday, was my day to shop. I still had so many things to buy for the kids, for everyone. So I got finished about 8:30 pm. I have a friend that I wanted to give a Christmas present to. So I drove to her house to give it to her. She wasn't there, but her mother and father were. I asked when she would be back, her father said soon, I asked if I could come by at about 10, he said that was fine. I didn't say why I was there, I simply asked if I could come back. The gift was a very personal one, and I didn't feel it was appropriate to tell her family anything. It was between her and I. Now her mother has always hated me, told her I was a bad influence because I have children by 3 different fathers ( I got 3 babie's daddies). But I really value my friendship with her and have always just ignored her mom's comments and behaviour. So, I come back at 10. She is there. It was very good to see her, we talked for about an hour and a half. During our conversation, she tells me her parents were curious as to why I came by. They said, "She probably came by to pick you up to go out with her, she probably has been drinking and needs someone to drive".

Yeah.

This was the absolute last straw. A few weeks I had to go to the church because Sydney and Lyndsey were having their Chrismas program there. I asked Les Long, who unofficially runs the church, that I wanted my name taken off the membership book. I got to that point because of everything that has happened with Tyler this year. After what happened that night with my friend, that was it. My sister has said so many things about me over there, to many church members, to many of the moms of kids at the school - she knows alot of the mom's because they also have younger children and she talks to them in Cradle Roll (I know, can you believe Peggy is in Cradle Roll, that she actually was pregnant ? Had a baby? Two babies? That she actually gave birth? That there are 2 little Peggys running around? I still can't get past the fact that she got a man - who wanted to have sex with her - but I guess there's a lid for every pot, right?) She has said so many things, that I'm an alcoholic (wait, maybe thats true, lol - IS THAT SO WRONG????????????), that I drive my kids to school drunk, that I basically don't take care of my kids. That I basically have an unsatisfactory homelife for my kids. Fine whatever. A very wise man once said to me, you can't keep people from talking about you, but you can keep it from being true. But you know, when I'm lieaving everyone else alone, minding my own business, and I can't even give my friend a present without her family assuming the only reason I am coming to her house is because I'm too drunk to drive, thats it. And thats really insulting to her too. Like I don't really want to see her, I'm just using her to drive me around to the bars. Whatever. Consider the source.

So I woke up yesterday. I was having fantasys of being in church and giving my "testimony", you know how people get up there and tell how Jesus has changed their life. And I got to thinking, I really want to make sure that my name is off - now, today. I don't want any more part of that church, ever again. Ever.

So I get there. Walk in. The pastor is in the entryway doing his before-church-pastor-bullshit, God knows what it is they do. I walk up to him, he says hello, very precariously; his eyes are saying "why is Barb in church?". I ask him if I could talk to him and I ask for Judy Long to be there too. While he's fetching her, I track myself down what looks to be a deacon. When you've spent alot of time at church, deacons are easy to pick out of the crowd. He comes back with Judy and we all go into that little room on the side and shut the door. The look now on the pastor's face is "Why me, why today, why Chrismas Eve?"

This is how the conversation went. Well, diaglogue - I was pretty much the only one talking.

"I need to say a few things. I few weeks ago I asked Les to take my name off the books. (I started crying here, even though I told them I wasn't going to get upset.) I've gone to this church for a long time. I was raised in this church, baptized in this church, and married in this church. I quit going to church 4 years ago. I found myself pregnant, with an illegitimate child, in a bad marriage, and alone. My ex-youth leader, someone I could have told anything to, that I grew up with, who I 've known since I was 2, came up to me during the service and told me what a disappointment I was. (And its funny how things work out, her daughter recently gave birth to a baby out of wedlock, whose father is in prison.) I cried all the way through the service and never came back, unless my kids were doing something for the school in a church service. My son, who is in 7th grade, has recently been asked to leave the school. This is the only school he has ever gone to, the only thing he knows is private, christian school. He was asked to leave, not for fighting, or cheating, or bringing a gun to school, but because he is not "spiritual" enough. His teacher sat down with my husband, and told him Tyler doesn't do his homework, and is not spiritual enough to go to that school. The teacher told my husband, who is an athiest, that Tyler should be taken out of the school, that Tyler would do much better in a public school, and that if we didn't voluntarily take him out, it would eventually go before the school board and Tyler would be expelled. I'm upset because you have forced me to put Tyler in an unsafe environment. The kids he goes to school with now are getting arrested for stabbing someone in their apartment complex, and are doing drugs. I don't live in a high income school district, it is a low income one. It is not a safe school. Now his friends are having sex and doing drugs. And hopefully I will be a good enough parent and he will make good decisions. My sister has spread so much crap around here about me that I can't even go to my friends house last night to give her a christmas present without her family assuming the only reason I came over was to get her to go out with me because I needed a designated driver. Thats it. I want nothing more to do with this church. I want my name taken off the membership and I want it done today."

The pastor, not really knowing what to say, tells me that the way they usually do that is for me to write a letter, it is presented to the church board at the next board meeting and "voted" after that.

I looked at him. And said, "If you don't do it today, I will walk up on the pulpit and ask for the vote myself."

He says, well in that case, I guess we'll do it your way. Him, Judy and the deacon, tell me they are very sorry, sorry that it has come to this. I say me too. Deacon asks me if I'll be going to any other chuch, I laugh and say no. Pastor asks if I want to be there when he makes the announcement, I say yes - don't worry, I'll sit in the back, I won't make a scene. I tell then I think Christmas Eve is kinda appropriate. Apparently I'm the only that thinks this is funny. They all tell me they are very sorry I was treated this way, and have a token "word of prayer", asking god to forgive them for not representing him. Yadda yadda yadda.

I sit in the back, a few people, old acquaintances of my parents say hi. In between Christmas carols he reluctantly makes the announcement, saying they've recieved a request for Barbara (and my last name) to be taken off the church books. It was voted and seconded (is that a word?). Finalized. As soon as he finished I walked out. He met me in the parking lot and apologized again. I thanked him for doing it for me and wished him a merry christmas.

And that was that.

Yeah. Merry Fuckin Christmas.

So Nikki, my dear, that is what happened yesterday. And after that I got my 8th tattoo, the Chinsese symbol, or kanji, for truth. Went to Club Tattoo. Now I have love and truth on my left inner arm. After that we went to the strip club - Skin. It was one of those days when I didn't want to leave. I wanted to get home to the kids for a Christmas Eve at home, and at the same time wanted to just emmerse myself in that atmosphere. The music (they have the best music and sound system there, besides the hottest girls.), the darkness, the whole atmosphere. We stayed for awhile. Came home, watch some of those old stop-animation Christmas specials, I think it was Kris Kringle, and then watched a Frosty movie. Just chillin with my kids and Royce, watchin Chrismas movies. Then before I put them to bed I read How the Grinch Stole Christmas to them. I love that book. Every Who down in Whoville loved Christmas alot. I think maybe my heart has grown a couple sizes to small over the recent past. I ended up staying up for awhile with Royce, then went to Walgreens at about 1 am to do some last minute shopping. Yeah, was there till about 2:30. At this point I was all Chrismased out. I think if I had heard one more Christmas song my head would have exploded. And I love Chrismas songs. I looked at my living room floor and all the wrapping I had to do and had a mini breakdown. I was so overwhelmed, knowing I had been going since about 7 am and wasn't going to get any sleep. Royce waited up for me the whole time I was shopping. We sat, as I, in my overwhelmed state, procrastinated wrapping, and sat and watched Roseanne on Nicklelodean. Not one episode, but two. Then I drank some wine, drank a little more, ended up doing things on the living room couch that I haven't done for a LONG time. It was awesome. Between the wine and the sex, I decided to take just an itty bitty little nappy nap - its currently about 4 am. I woke up on the couch, at 7:12 am according to the clock on my cable box, in shear panic, not unlike Kevin's mom in Home Alone when she is one the airplane to Paris, and just can't remember what she is forgetting to do, and suddenly screams "KEVIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Yeah, not unlike that. The entire livingroom floor is covered with unrapped presents. My kids will be waking up any minute (then again they are MY children, nocturnal in nature, crosses and garlic can usually immobilize them, but it is christmas morning) and here are all these presents!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I started rushing around very quietly. I managed to get almost all of them wrapped in an hour. Watched people sing chrismas carols on channel 3, yes watch, for I didn't dare wake anyone. At about 8:12, exactly an hour later, I heard something move in the girl's room. They have a loft bed. I went in and told them to stay there (Ryan slept with them last night), I still had a few presents to wrap, and proceded to remove the ladder that goes 7 feet up to their mattress. Won't be coming down now will they? So I finally got everything done, let the kids down, Tyler woke up, got the baby up, got Royce up, (he was really tired, he worked HARD last night, wait, that was just 3 hours ago), and we proceded to have Christmas morning. It all went very well considering, and the kids loved everything and all is good. And when you hear Ryan and Cheyenne, the little ones, squeal with delight, and the older girls SO happy with their Bratz dolls, and Tyler satisfied (I'm learning that's about as positive an emotion that you get from a 13 year old boy, so satisfied works for me) with his video games and stuff, it is all so worth it all. All the hours of overtime, all the stress, all the money. You can't buy Christmas morning. It is one of the very, very precious things in life. And someday I will wish I had so many kids to buy for, I will wish for a reason to be stressed, I will sit in an empty house with my beautiful tree, that probably is much better dressed with beautiful ornaments and expensive decorations than the one I have now. I will wish that I had so many presents to give that I had to stay up all night. I will miss having to be so quiet as to not wake little ones up. I will exchange my gifts with my husband and we will eat Christmas dinner alone. And I will plan my day around the phone calls I hopefully will get. Someday my children will be gone.

I am rich. I am blessed. My life is beautiful and full.

Merry Christmas

As amazing as it sounds, I'm off to church. Never thought Christmas Eve would find me in church again, but the world is just a crazy place isn't it?

Here's my girl. She's so hot. Here's some of my favorite pictures of her. I need to learn how to make them bigger.




















Well, gotta start getting everything done today. Lots of shopping, I finally have money. I'm getting the itch to go to "one of those places" today, the older kids will be with Kirk and we will be out shopping. Just an itch, thats all. We'll see. I'm going to do a post that tries to explain my fascination with that. I don't totally understand it myself, maybe if I write it will be clearer. Maybe I'll just have to go today to help me write (lol), gotta see Santa again. Anyhow, off to start my busiest day of the holiday.

I just got done wrapping a bunch of presents, and now the baby is trying to open all of them. I can't believe I've waited this long to still have Christmas shopping to do. Tomorrow is going to be very busy. Its one of those days when I just want to go sit in the Breakroom with Royce. Its fun watching the kids come in and see all the wrapped presents under the tree. Its all very new for Shi Shi this year, its fun to watch. Got Ryan a V-Smile, think he's going to love it. I love it. My mom keeps making cookies and fudge. I've been trying to not eat so much of it, actually I've been doing good. Yesterday I worked out for the first time in a long time. I'm going to try and do it 3 times a week. (They just love the presents that make noise - they are dying right now, one of them is singing.) I also went jogging yesterday. I need to do that everyday. I've been procrastinating today though, was sick for awhile. I took Shadow with me yesterday, went at about 5 pm, and walked then jogged by the Chinese place. The weather was so perfect yesterday. I've been needing to go there for awhile. I love it there. When Shadow goes with me no one bothers me. Its nice. I guess hookers don't have dogs so no one assumes I am when I have Shadow or Tebony with me. Not much of a dog person, but I do like that. The kids are going to do Christmas at Kirk's tomorrow. Its my favorite time of day right now, about 5 pm in the winter, just before sunset. I have a firelog, maybe I'll go start it. This weather is why we live in Phoenix. Last night I went to Golden Buddha, formerly Sampan, and had a Mark's Kiss and asked about the piano, that's why I really went, to inquire. Apparently they don't want anyone to play it right now. Its just sitting there. Its really sad. I said I would play for tips, I just want to play, don't care if I get paid. Oh well, I'll ask later. The bartender is still there, he is very nice. I loved playing there. Sat down 2 nights ago and played, haven't done that for awhile.

This one's for Tyler.

Well, this is my first entry. We'll see how this goes. (I know the font is big, but I'd rather increase the font than to get glasses.) There is so much I don't really know how to do, I really want to learn how to put pictures on here, I'm sure Tyler can help me with that. I think this blog is more for me, kinda therapeutic, but hopefully I will be able to be with my friends, my "family", here too. I am going to be very honest here. All comments are accepted, no restrictions here. This is my space, if you don't like it leave. This is my space to be honest, to bitch, to contemplate, to question, to be dark, and to celebrate. To my Royce, To my sisters - Nikki, Loida, Gina, Robin, Dawn, Valerie, Cathy, Heather, Joyce and Cretie, Karl, and to my children, I'm sure not much of this will surprise you. This is me. And I love you all very much. To anyone who would like to just stop by, hello, welcome to me. To any of "those" people, you know who you are, I don't have anything to say to you anyhow, except maybe fuck off ( I won't make a list of you). To me, I hope this goes well. I'm excited about it. Sometimes writing is so good for me, puts things in perspective, just feels good. Warning and Disclaimer: Honesty may not always be polite, cussing is welcomed and encouraged here, and no ideas or expressions are wrong.
Ok, let's gooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!